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"I was talking to a friend the other day and we got onto topic of wiping your hindquarters as you do. We were both shocked at differences in protocol we both adopted. My friends preferred technique was to stand up whilst wiping, which I didn't agree with as best practice, due to the cheeks being more clenched. I explained to them that I believed perching to one side, whilst remaining seated offers more spreadability potential and as a result, reduces the amount of wipes required. But what really shocked them was that I have a strick 5 wipes rule and after that, it's tough shit. So I guess my question to you lot is, what techniques do you apply and do you have a number of wipes before you give up?" Wiping is for rookies. The real ones stand up, turn the shower on and proceed to do a handstand  | |||
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"I think that's enough internet for me today "Before you go, which technique do you adopt? | |||
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"I was talking to a friend the other day and we got onto topic of wiping your hindquarters as you do. We were both shocked at differences in protocol we both adopted. My friends preferred technique was to stand up whilst wiping, which I didn't agree with as best practice, due to the cheeks being more clenched. I explained to them that I believed perching to one side, whilst remaining seated offers more spreadability potential and as a result, reduces the amount of wipes required. But what really shocked them was that I have a strick 5 wipes rule and after that, it's tough shit. So I guess my question to you lot is, what techniques do you apply and do you have a number of wipes before you give up? Wiping is for rookies. The real ones stand up, turn the shower on and proceed to do a handstand "I was on board till the headstand | |||
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"Surely everyone knows you use your left hand, and the fingernail on your pinky finger must grow to about a cm beyond the end of your finger. "Only when supplies are limited surely? | |||
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"Surely everyone knows you use your left hand, and the fingernail on your pinky finger must grow to about a cm beyond the end of your finger.
Only when supplies are limited surely? "A corn husk also comes in handy  | |||
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"I can’t believe I’m adding to this particular thread, but I wipe with toilet paper and then use toilet wipes to make sure area is clean and smelling fresh "This is one I'll try for sure. Great shout | |||
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"The standing-up-wipers are a species a cannot identify with at all. They also probably like Mrs Brown's Boys. But a 5 wipe rule, Willy??? You keep going at that motherfucker until it's gone!" I respect your opinion but what I miss on my visit gets taken care of the next time I go, so seems pointless | |||
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"I've managed to get it down to 3 OP. Now, the important thing is to use seagrass, sisal, or coir, but moisten it significantly (it's very rough dry), then wring it out. It can stimulate a bit of flatulence, but 3 wipes and - Hey Presto! You'll be a twisted coir farter in next to no time xxxx"Do they sell these in Holland and Barrett? | |||
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"How hairy is your arse or how bad is your diet that you need 5 wipes? I remember learning that not everyone wipes post poop the same way. It was a revelation." I don't always need 5 wipes. If I vaseline up before I go then I usually can tackle the damage in 1 or 2 wipes. It just depends on what I've had the night before | |||
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"For sustainability and economy, the two-square rule is king. One to wipe and one to polish. "I've never tried this but I'm giving it a go for sure. | |||
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"I've managed to get it down to 3 OP. Now, the important thing is to use seagrass, sisal, or coir, but moisten it significantly (it's very rough dry), then wring it out. It can stimulate a bit of flatulence, but 3 wipes and - Hey Presto! You'll be a twisted coir farter in next to no time xxxx
Do they sell these in Holland and Barrett?"I've never checked tbh OP. I simply get in touch with property developers in Central London - virtually every floor covering they rip out is coir or sisal, so it's a cheap bulk buy on the used market. | |||
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"OP, surely there are other factors that feature in the five wipes theorey? 1. Is the paper 1, 2 or 3 ply? 2. Do you use one sheet per wipe? 3. Do you scrunch or do you fold? 4. At each wipe are you checking for smearage on the paper, and if after one can you stop?" It's just a maximum, it's not always necessary. More importantly, I'm not the odd one here. They stand up to wipe | |||
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"How hairy is your arse or how bad is your diet that you need 5 wipes? I remember learning that not everyone wipes post poop the same way. It was a revelation. I don't always need 5 wipes. If I vaseline up before I go then I usually can tackle the damage in 1 or 2 wipes. It just depends on what I've had the night before " You. You lube up pre poop? | |||
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"You could always go the Asian way and use a lota" Isn't the point to not use a lota though, but to use a lota lessa? | |||
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"No, no you're both wrong. You've got to stand with one leg up.. like a flamingo "Do you need the castanets as well though? It's getting awfully difficult this you know... . | |||
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"You could always go the Asian way and use a lota Isn't the point to not use a lota though, but to use a lota lessa?" Class - in the presence of greatness  | |||
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"No, no you're both wrong. You've got to stand with one leg up.. like a flamingo
Do you need the castanets as well though?
It's getting awfully difficult this you know... ."Yes. Always. It helps that last wipe | |||
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"No, no you're both wrong. You've got to stand with one leg up.. like a flamingo
Do you need the castanets as well though?
It's getting awfully difficult this you know... ."Nope just feathers | |||
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"How hairy is your arse or how bad is your diet that you need 5 wipes? I remember learning that not everyone wipes post poop the same way. It was a revelation. I don't always need 5 wipes. If I vaseline up before I go then I usually can tackle the damage in 1 or 2 wipes. It just depends on what I've had the night before You. You lube up pre poop?" Doesn't everyone? I lube up before going out to buy bread - a gurl can't be too prepared | |||
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"You could always go the Asian way and use a lota Isn't the point to not use a lota though, but to use a lota lessa? Class - in the presence of greatness " | |||
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"Surely the best way is to just drag your bum along the carpet? Isn't that why they invented long pile? " After all if it's good enough for my  ... | |||
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" You lube up pre poop? Doesn't everyone? I lube up before going out to buy bread - a gurl can't be too prepared " | |||
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"Surely the best way is to just drag your bum along the carpet? Isn't that why they invented long pile? " | |||
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"Quitting after 5 just isn't an option, clean your arse. Mrs " Once it's dried up it tends to self clean through chafage anyway | |||
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) they had them fixed in the toilet with hot water, cold water, change directions of spray, heated seats…they were a game changer and I may have spent far too long going to the toilet then I needed to
K | |||
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"Invest in a spray gun to keep by the side of your toilet and you’ll never wipe again. Or move to Thailand where they are all the rage. In classier hotels in Thailand (where we stayed ) they had them fixed in the toilet with hot water, cold water, change directions of spray, heated seats…they were a game changer and I may have spent far too long going to the toilet then I needed to
K"Yep same here in Brazil. Jet wash and one wipe. | |||
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"Invest in a spray gun to keep by the side of your toilet and you’ll never wipe again. Or move to Thailand where they are all the rage. In classier hotels in Thailand (where we stayed ) they had them fixed in the toilet with hot water, cold water, change directions of spray, heated seats…they were a game changer and I may have spent far too long going to the toilet then I needed to
K
Yep same here in Brazil. Jet wash and one wipe."The Karcher jet wash has an attachment for cleaning patios which im sure would cope with even stubborn ‘bran flakes’ | |||
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 it gets better and better each day.
What a shit game, this thread starter one… | |||
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"As always Fab is the endless fountain of class and sophistication. it gets better and better each day.
What a shit game, this thread starter one… "You could just pass on by  | |||
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"I use the kids skipping rope and floss it." | |||
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"I was talking to a friend the other day and we got onto topic of wiping your hindquarters as you do. We were both shocked at differences in protocol we both adopted. My friends preferred technique was to stand up whilst wiping, which I didn't agree with as best practice, due to the cheeks being more clenched. I explained to them that I believed perching to one side, whilst remaining seated offers more spreadability potential and as a result, reduces the amount of wipes required. But what really shocked them was that I have a strick 5 wipes rule and after that, it's tough shit. So I guess my question to you lot is, what techniques do you apply and do you have a number of wipes before you give up?" I concur with the seated wipe technique. Probably more due to logistics than logic, because me standing and attempting a wipe against gravity seriously risks me landing UPON my hindquarters on the floor. Then it's all gone to shit! However, the number of wipes, for me, entirely depends upon the prevailing situation. If one has partaken in excessive dairy and, being lactose intolerant, generates *ahem* a guppy tum, more wiping might be necessary. On the contrary, if one has followed all the rules and regulations and generated a Bristol sample type 3 or 4, then fewer wipes might be employed. I think an arbitrary number of wipes is foolhardy and risks one having a little incident in one's unterwäsche | |||
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"I bend over, spread my artexed cheeks, and let the servant deal with it. " The Groom of the Stool! | |||
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"Quitting after 5 just isn't an option, clean your arse. Mrs Once it's dried up it tends to self clean through chafage anyway" But the poo crumbs....
I hate to see what state your bed's in. | |||
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"Quitting after 5 just isn't an option, clean your arse. Mrs Once it's dried up it tends to self clean through chafage anyway But the poo crumbs....
I hate to see what state your bed's in."You should know | |||
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Ps. This is TM to Littlebird | |||
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"Quitting after 5 just isn't an option, clean your arse. Mrs Once it's dried up it tends to self clean through chafage anyway But the poo crumbs....
I hate to see what state your bed's in.
You should know "How? We only meet behind the Aldi bins in Rotherham and you never take your pants off | |||
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"The idea of only using paper to wipe is gross in and of itself "Very appropriate profile pic JB | |||
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"Proud stand up wiper reporting for duty. o7 Get yourself some wet wipes though. I go before my morning shower." Elite skills o7 | |||
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"Proud stand up wiper reporting for duty. o7 Get yourself some wet wipes though. I go before my morning shower. Elite skills o7" I like this idea but my method hasn't failed me yet | |||
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"I use a bidet but this dirty bitch I’ve got here for the night just dragged her ass doing a circuit around the lounge carpet. She going back to her owners tomorrow and I’ll be renting a carpet cleaning machine. " That's no way to speak about my wife! | |||
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and insisted its enough! | |||
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"Haha was literally discussing this two days ago! I keep going till the job is done! But my bestie he will only use 3 squares and insisted its enough! "Three squares in one wipe and that's it, or one square three times (in which case he has the smallest arsehole!) | |||
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"Haha was literally discussing this two days ago! I keep going till the job is done! But my bestie he will only use 3 squares and insisted its enough!
Three squares in one wipe and that's it, or one square three times (in which case he has the smallest arsehole!)" | |||
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"I will need to call my servant in to ask them how they do it.... "does said servant powder or cream ones derriere? x | |||
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"You could always go the Asian way and use a lota" lol surprised you know about that | |||
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"Proud stand up wiper reporting for duty. o7 Get yourself some wet wipes though. I go before my morning shower. Elite skills o7 I like this idea but my method hasn't failed me yet" It's always good to diversify | |||
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"I use a bidet but this dirty bitch I’ve got here for the night just dragged her ass doing a circuit around the lounge carpet. She going back to her owners tomorrow and I’ll be renting a carpet cleaning machine. That's no way to speak about my wife!" Was I *that* drnuk I forgot the wedding?! | |||
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"I will need to call my servant in to ask them how they do it.... does said servant powder or cream ones derriere? x"powder of course | |||
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