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tell me a joke?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Feeling a bit down. Can anyone make me laugh? X

Love to all x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's Brown and looks through your window?.

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Poo on stilts!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's green and hangs from trees

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Leaves

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Summer's here!

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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

A refuse ollector is doing his rounds and notices one house in the street that doesn't have a wheelie-bin outside. So he goes to the door and knocks. After a few minutes, an old Chinese man comes to the door.

the refuse collector asks. "where's your bin?" "I bin upstairs," the Chinese man replies. "No! Where's your dustbin?" he says. "I dust bin upstairs havin' a sh*t," ," the guy says. "NO! WHERE'S YOUR WHEELIE-BIN?" " he continues. The old man thinks for a minute then says: "Okay, you got me, I've wheelie bin having a wank."

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Hilarity. . .

Not working lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

These two dwarfs go to a brothel. they both pick their women and proceed to the bedrooms.

Dwarf one cannot get it up, no matter how hard he tries, he's as limp as can be. Despondant, he goes to sleep pondering his missed opportunity. Before he falls asleep, he can hear the second dwarf through the walls...

"One, two three... one, two three... one, two three... one, two, three..."

The next morning they meet up and discuss the previous nights events. The second dwarf asks the first how he got on "oh, I just couldn't get it up, no matter how hard I tried. What about you though" he says, "you sounded like you were having fun?"

"Me?, I couldn't even get on the bed!"

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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)


"Hilarity. . .

Not working lol"

Tough audience today,,

As I was putting the garden furniture away for the winter, I said to the wife "I dont know why I bother getting this out, you never sit on it,,!"

She said "put your cock away and put that bench in the garage,,!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Getting better!!!!

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By *onboy777Man
over a year ago

Newark

It's a sad life when ya go to bed looking forward to the sandwiches you made for the next day.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

That actually did make me smile

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story is:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Young boy enters bedroom where parents are having sex.

Dad..Oh hi son this is just like putting petrol in the car, people have to be filled up sometimes.

son..I know, she doesn't do many MPG though does she, uncle dave only filled her up this morning and he used a bigger nozel.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Boy enters room to find mummy bouncing up and down on daddy. She takes him to one side and explains. 'you know your dad's got a bit of a tummy, so occasionally I do that to flatten it down a bit for him'

Boy replies, I don't know why you bother, everytime you go shopping the lady from next door comes around and blows it back up again.

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By *xxwiganMan
over a year ago

LEIGH

Mickey mouse goes to the divorce lawyer.

The lawyer says 'Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie for having buck teeth'

Mickey replys' I never said she had buck teeth , I said she was fucking Goofy'

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By *ll-Knight-longMan
over a year ago

Derby/Notts(Long Eaton)


"A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story is:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks."

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By *onboy777Man
over a year ago

Newark

I bought a smart phone today.

And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The flock of geese were departing for the winter, one little one was only just able to fly, but was determined to make the journey.

They took off and it got colder as they climbed, so cold the poor little ones wings froze and he fell to the ground.

He lay there dazed, hurt and feeling pretty miserable.

Just then a cow passed by and dropped a load on the bird. Now he rreally was pissed off.

But no, he started to feel warmer, his wings defrosted.

Feeling mush happier he poked his head out of the cow pat and started to sing, however a passing cat pounced on him and promptly ate him.

3 lessons can be had from this tale.

1. People who shit on you are not always your enemy.

2. People who get you out of the shit are not always your friend.

3. Above all else, even if your in a pile of shit, if your warm and happy, keep your gob shut.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thank you all!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How go snow men get around?

By-icicle

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By *riendly foeWoman
over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who

called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby gray haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

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So I told her to fuck off.

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By *windon FellaMan
over a year ago

Swindon


"This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who

called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby gray haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

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So I told her to fuck off.

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so very very true!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who

called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby gray haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

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So I told her to fuck off.

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Now awaiting the backlash!! Lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Hee hee

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