FabSwingers.com mobile

Join us FREE, we're FREE to use

Web's largest swingers site since 2006.

Already registered?
Login here

Back to forum list
Back to The Lounge

Widows/widowers and swinging

Jump to newest
 

By *olly_chromatic OP   TV/TS
25 weeks ago

Stockport

Posted this a few days ago in Swingers Chat, where it sank with no replies. Reposting in the lounge, maybe a better location ----

I'm interested to know the opinions and experiences of other widows or widowers about swinging after the loss of their partner. There are plenty of people of fab who have continued swinging, or have got into swinging, after divorce. But I feel that there is a big difference emotionally when the partner is gone forever, where there can be feelings that never go away.

In my case, whatever difficulties there were in my marriage (and being trans comes with lots of difficulties!) I never stopped loving her and can't see that I ever will. I don't want this to be the end of my sex life, or even my love life (the two being very different things) but at the moment I feel that my capacity for Love with a capital L has been burned out. And I don't want to feel again the Pain that always comes at the end of Love or the passing of the Loved one.

On the other hand, my emotions seem to be wired up in a way that I don't just want sexual experiences with no personal connection at all. I'm not looking for any form of exclusive relationship, but still want to be able to develop feelings. Sort of Some Strings Attached, SSA rather than NSA.

Hoping to hear the views of any others in a similar position in their lives.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
25 weeks ago

I cannot comment but I'm sending you part of my heart that has a bit if hope left....in a non creepy disgusting way

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ou only live onceMan
25 weeks ago

London

I've not experienced that Polly, so no idea, but I can see why it might be more complicated emotionally to get back into a relationship/situationship (whether swinging, SSA or full-on relationship) after being widowed, rather than divorce etc.

I guess you've just got to take it at your own pace and do what feels right at the time, and know that your partner would want you to be happy, but hopefully someone with more relatable experience will be along soon!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *iamondsmiles.Woman
25 weeks ago

little house on the praire

I wasnt married but had a partner who died. I never want another man near me. I know this isn't everyone's view and if they can find another part er good for them, but it's not for me.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *oubleswing2019Man
25 weeks ago

Colchester

It's something that crosses my mind from time to time. Eg, if I dropped down dead what would Mrs DS do ? I would like to hope she'd pick herself up, create a profile on FAB and satisfy her needs.

It's natural, normal and human.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *adyBugsWoman
25 weeks ago

cognito

Oh Polly, I haven’t experienced this myself so I’m not particularly qualified to say much. I haven’t even had a partner for ten years let alone a swinging one but I do want to say, losing someone no matter the circumstances is tough and there will be so many different emotions all at the same time and they’ll probably come in waves so, don’t be hard on yourself and take time. There’s no rush to make any decisions, you’ll know when things are right for you

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
25 weeks ago

I read this late last night and wanted to ponder a while before responding.

Firstly. I truly am sorry for your loss.

These are my thoughts from the other side of this.

Take as much time as you feel it necessary and don’t feel pressured. Dip your toes and back away as many times as you like as nothing is ever set in stone when it comes to emotions. Maybe even talk to a grief counsellor as grief and loss can hit you even years after the event.

I met a widower on this site and quite frankly, it’s the reason I’m still here as it proves that there are truly decent, lovely men here.

I had absolutely no idea initially but we clicked, talked and met within days. The first date was 7 hours long at various restaurants in the West End, ending up at a jazz club in Soho and then me pouring myself into a cab on Tottenham Court Road to stagger home at 3am!

I didn’t think he was ready to date and told him so but he felt he could; so we did. It didn’t end well as I feel that for him, it felt like he was cheating on his wife.

Almost a year later, he was back, stating that he had been with others but really wanted to date me and see where it would go. Cue, the precise scenario again, with him panicking and feeling guilty.

Whilst I completely understood (to the degree that I’ve never lost a spouse), it also devastated me as it’s so rare for me to connect with people in the way we connected.

I seriously could not and would not go through it a third time, so blocked him. Right man, wrong time!

I know he’s hurting but it’s not my job to fix him and besides he finds being with me makes him think of his wife and then he feels guilty, so………….. my 10 cents worth is that you will know when you are ready to dip your toes.

I sincerely hope you find someone to at least talk to.

Sending hugs

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ickyKlungespeareMan
25 weeks ago

St Leonards

The only analogy I can give is about divorce, time, and experience.

When my parents divorced, my Mum locked herself away from the world (even more than when married...she was like that), and 40 years after, when she died, she still hadn't got over it.

My father actively sought more life experience, more social engagement, and rebuilt a life that, tbh, was much better than his marriage with my Mum.

So, for divorce, it wasn't just about "time heals", but filling that time with freshness and newness.

Tim didn't heal Mum - it made her worse because she dwelled on her pain.

Time did heal Dad, because he forced himself to go out and live again.

And his life was much better than before in consequence.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ickyKlungespeareMan
25 weeks ago

St Leonards

*Tim certainly didn't heal Mum...and neither did "Time" .

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ansoffateMan
25 weeks ago

Sagittarius A

To quote Rocky

"She didn't leave me Paulie, she died."

It's not the same thing, as a relationship ending. I can relate to what you are saying. My ability to love came again, but dealing with attachment has taken longer. That's took nearly 5 years. And the manner in which she died left me with some trauma.

For a long time any affection was a reminder that she wasn't there. It wasn't even guilt or a 'cheating' sensation. Weirdly, we talked about what would happen if one of us died just two weeks before she did. There's no way she could have known, but she had a peculiar penchant for premonition. She said I'd want you to find love again and be happy. I thought about it and it was too painful to process that idea. I just said, that's beautiful but I don't know if I could. The thought alone brought me to tears.

I still visit her grave, clean the headstone, tell her how the girls are doing. I still cry every time. She was like the humming bird on her gravestone, energy, love and joy just flowed through her.

I've found love again and her words before she died have helped me to embrace that. She's still looking out for me, from beyond the grave.

Swinging - well sex with other people, she'd have loved that . As long as she was there or got the details.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *TG3Man
25 weeks ago

Dorchester

Time is supposed to heal but it doesn't its engrained in your mind

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *atnip make me purrWoman
25 weeks ago

Reading

Polly, you have such a lovely heart that I hope you will allow it to open. I haven't been widowed, so I have no insight for you. But I just hope you find what you are looking for.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
25 weeks ago


"To quote Rocky

"She didn't leave me Paulie, she died."

It's not the same thing, as a relationship ending. I can relate to what you are saying. My ability to love came again, but dealing with attachment has taken longer. That's took nearly 5 years. And the manner in which she died left me with some trauma.

For a long time any affection was a reminder that she wasn't there. It wasn't even guilt or a 'cheating' sensation. Weirdly, we talked about what would happen if one of us died just two weeks before she did. There's no way she could have known, but she had a peculiar penchant for premonition. She said I'd want you to find love again and be happy. I thought about it and it was too painful to process that idea. I just said, that's beautiful but I don't know if I could. The thought alone brought me to tears.

I still visit her grave, clean the headstone, tell her how the girls are doing. I still cry every time. She was like the humming bird on her gravestone, energy, love and joy just flowed through her.

I've found love again and her words before she died have helped me to embrace that. She's still looking out for me, from beyond the grave.

Swinging - well sex with other people, she'd have loved that . As long as she was there or got the details."

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *undee2Man
25 weeks ago

Dundee


"Posted this a few days ago in Swingers Chat, where it sank with no replies. Reposting in the lounge, maybe a better location ----

I'm interested to know the opinions and experiences of other widows or widowers about swinging after the loss of their partner. There are plenty of people of fab who have continued swinging, or have got into swinging, after divorce. But I feel that there is a big difference emotionally when the partner is gone forever, where there can be feelings that never go away.

In my case, whatever difficulties there were in my marriage (and being trans comes with lots of difficulties!) I never stopped loving her and can't see that I ever will. I don't want this to be the end of my sex life, or even my love life (the two being very different things) but at the moment I feel that my capacity for Love with a capital L has been burned out. And I don't want to feel again the Pain that always comes at the end of Love or the passing of the Loved one.

On the other hand, my emotions seem to be wired up in a way that I don't just want sexual experiences with no personal connection at all. I'm not looking for any form of exclusive relationship, but still want to be able to develop feelings. Sort of Some Strings Attached, SSA rather than NSA.

Hoping to hear the views of any others in a similar position in their lives."

I have lost four people with whom I have been so close to, so much in love with over the years. Every single one of them I loved deeply and would not blink twice if I could have taken their place. Suicide, cancer, heart attack and stroke. I am with my sixth partner now. Fingers crossed she will outlive me.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ansoffateMan
25 weeks ago

Sagittarius A


"Posted this a few days ago in Swingers Chat, where it sank with no replies. Reposting in the lounge, maybe a better location ----

I'm interested to know the opinions and experiences of other widows or widowers about swinging after the loss of their partner. There are plenty of people of fab who have continued swinging, or have got into swinging, after divorce. But I feel that there is a big difference emotionally when the partner is gone forever, where there can be feelings that never go away.

In my case, whatever difficulties there were in my marriage (and being trans comes with lots of difficulties!) I never stopped loving her and can't see that I ever will. I don't want this to be the end of my sex life, or even my love life (the two being very different things) but at the moment I feel that my capacity for Love with a capital L has been burned out. And I don't want to feel again the Pain that always comes at the end of Love or the passing of the Loved one.

On the other hand, my emotions seem to be wired up in a way that I don't just want sexual experiences with no personal connection at all. I'm not looking for any form of exclusive relationship, but still want to be able to develop feelings. Sort of Some Strings Attached, SSA rather than NSA.

Hoping to hear the views of any others in a similar position in their lives.

I have lost four people with whom I have been so close to, so much in love with over the years. Every single one of them I loved deeply and would not blink twice if I could have taken their place. Suicide, cancer, heart attack and stroke. I am with my sixth partner now. Fingers crossed she will outlive me."

My heart goes out to you, and my admiration.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *a LunaWoman
25 weeks ago

South Wales


"I wasnt married but had a partner who died. I never want another man near me. I know this isn't everyone's view and if they can find another part er good for them, but it's not for me."

This is how my mum felt (and still feels) after my step-dad passed away.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *wingfellowMan
25 weeks ago

my own little sanctuary

There's no real way to share my experience on this one whilst still keeping it short, so here goes.

I met the most beautiful amazing woman on here over 7 years ago. At that point my future was set in stone and there wasn't any part of me that was not complete with her.

When she passed I lost my soulmate, the future we were building... Just everything, one person's carelessness took her from me and I broke.

I'm still, and forever will be broken to some degree. However, I came back here for a few reasons.

First one being that when I felt completely disoriented and detached from the world, the one thing I really wanted was to feel. Something, anything... And equally I needed to run. To occupy my mind any which way I could to avoid the reality I had found myself in.

It's an incredibly complex range of emotions that circulate and dominate thoughts in those times and I'm sure everyone has a very personal view on the matter. But for me it was either compartmentalise, occupy myself and try to just keep making steps forward. Or fall into a really dark place that I wouldn't have returned from.

There was no escaping the feelings of guilt etc. That followed. In retrospect I shouldn't have felt that way, but rationality doesn't accompany grief and solitude.

The passage of time has given me affirmation that I made a good decision in coming back here though as I am now approaching the half a decade anniversary of meeting my wonderful lady who has helped me more than I can express, understands me more than I do myself. Knows that I will forever love my late partner,and thinks only of how to make my life easier and my mind more peaceful.

I guess the focal point should be that those we love who we have lost would rather see us happy with someone than broken and lonely.

I really hope you can find some solace in my experience, as I say it's all a very personal and complex subject and there's no right or wrong. Simply understanding of oneself and how to adjust and move forward with the new lives we sometimes find ourselves placed in.

Much love,

Swingfellow

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ansoffateMan
25 weeks ago

Sagittarius A


".

Much love,

Swingfellow "

That was inspiring and insightful, I really appreciated reading that. Thank you.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *agnar73Man
25 weeks ago

glasgow-ish

Coming up to 5 years since I lost my person and still hear her voice in my head and still look for her on passenger seat. It’s inevitable.

Had delayed grief, shock phase and being functional meant I handled all the stuff okay, but was due to return to work and it flattened me.

After that, had chats and eventually long distance relationship with a fellow widow who had a similar situation and she helped me see the light again, but lockdowns and stuff made things difficult, so it ended.

Then had 2 years where I was a bit lost and alone and joined fab over a year ago and slowly sort of got my head around the site and going to things near me.

No ‘right answers’, no easy fixes and I’ve had to prioritise the kids and keeping their lives stable.

For me, I don’t think I want to live with someone again and I think going to the clubs, some chat here and whatever is enough to keep me going. But that might change as kids get older.

All in all, I had times where I thought that was it for me in terms of sex, in terms of seeing women and I’m grateful for the opportunity just to even chat at times.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *olly_chromatic OP   TV/TS
25 weeks ago

Stockport

Thank you to everyone that has posted. I'll try to reply in detail over the next few days, I'm a bit overwhelmed by general life at the moment.

Anybody that wants to contact me by DM on this topic, I'm going to leave my filters down until the end of this week. Polly xxx

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *hoirCouple
25 weeks ago

Clacton/Bury St. Edmunds


"Posted this a few days ago in Swingers Chat, where it sank with no replies. Reposting in the lounge, maybe a better location ----

I'm interested to know the opinions and experiences of other widows or widowers about swinging after the loss of their partner. There are plenty of people of fab who have continued swinging, or have got into swinging, after divorce. But I feel that there is a big difference emotionally when the partner is gone forever, where there can be feelings that never go away.

In my case, whatever difficulties there were in my marriage (and being trans comes with lots of difficulties!) I never stopped loving her and can't see that I ever will. I don't want this to be the end of my sex life, or even my love life (the two being very different things) but at the moment I feel that my capacity for Love with a capital L has been burned out. And I don't want to feel again the Pain that always comes at the end of Love or the passing of the Loved one.

On the other hand, my emotions seem to be wired up in a way that I don't just want sexual experiences with no personal connection at all. I'm not looking for any form of exclusive relationship, but still want to be able to develop feelings. Sort of Some Strings Attached, SSA rather than NSA.

Hoping to hear the views of any others in a similar position in their lives."

Take each day as it comes. Just chat here take it elsewhere when it feels right for that move. Don't rush anything and take it slow until you feel everything 'aligns' for you. You are entitled to take a step back at any time and nobody should ever judge you for it.

C

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *etsgoexploring3Man
25 weeks ago

Teesside

After I lost my wife I joined Fab.

Everyone is different as a person, and grief is different for everyone and nothing either as that person or in grief is right or wrong. Did I initially have doubts, guilt or feelings of disloyalty about doing it, yes I did, and yes sometimes I still do.

For me I enjoy sex and feel I can build emotional connections that are based in different things from the connection I had with my late wife. I also decided that I wanted to explore things that had always interested me, but didn’t interest my wife, so they didn’t happen (but we had talked about as we had open dialogue). It is just a different stage of my life (not necessarily one I sought or expected), and I believe you owe it to yourself to make the best of any situation and to live the life you want to have.

I am enjoying this stage of my life as a new stage, but is doesn’t mean that any of the past is forgotten. I am looking through the windscreen driving forward whilst taking glances in the rear view mirror, and using those glances to remember the good times, and also past mistakes.

Nothing is right or wrong, it is what works for you, and no-one has the right to judge. I hope this helps you on your journey

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *allySlinkyWoman
25 weeks ago

Leeds

My husband died age 50. We were married 25 years. I still miss him deeply but his death made me realise how short life is and after a couple of years I started swinging. I am not looking for a relationship as no one can ever take his place.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ohn pcoolMan
25 weeks ago

Inverness

I'd only known my partner for 5 months when she passed in April, but she made a huge impact on me in a very short time. I still hear her voice and smell her perfume on the t shirt she left at mine.

I'm still grieving and wondering what kind of world takes such a beautiful soul at 44, I'm talking a lot with an old friend who has her own grief to deal with and helping each other day by day

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 
 

By (user no longer on site)
25 weeks ago

Sending lots of love & strength to you Polly

If I pass I'd want my husband to carry on when the time was right for him

Mrs xx

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
Post new Message to Thread
back to top