FabSwingers.com forum: Aftercare

By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

I was a new submissive and he was my Dominant and training me, I received 2 punishments, the first one was just spanks, the second time was pussy slaps, spanked till I was red raw but not bruised saying thank you Sir promptly after each one, collared and leashed. All were new for me. I received no aftercare

I did not see him for a while after that and after receiving a light punishment I questioned again no aftercare and he responded my flogging didn't need aftercare.

I said I thought it was the submissives need that brought on aftercare and he replies that I have never needed it because he never mistreated me during play

So I'm left unsure on what aftercare really is

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
32 weeks ago

Carlisle usually

How did you feel after the scene?

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

Poundshop Mr Grey by sounds of it.

Sorry you didn’t get the care you deserved.

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

"Poundshop Mr Grey by sounds of it.

Sorry you didn’t get the care you deserved."

My thoughts exactly ....

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

Good but surprised he just left afterwards then I didn't hear from him for a while and now I feel like I missed out on the care and communication I needed

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

I would arrange a social and express your feelings that no matter if he think you need it or not

It’s what you want and express the fact that if that’s not what he wants then yous can part ways

And you can find someone who gives you that

All so express that if it happens again you just never meet him again

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

Thank you

But he is adamant that I did get looked after because I didn't feel like I was a victim of a crime. I was surprised by that

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

I would definitely not see him again, certainly not a Dom.

Please be careful

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

He's said he cared for me during our meets and is offended

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

"Thank you

But he is adamant that I did get looked after because I didn't feel like I was a victim of a crime. I was surprised by that"

Your welcome and ok yip that would rase a red flag and I would probably make it clear that you don’t want to see them again and look for someone else in that regard

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

Thank you. I have fucked this guy on and off for 4 years and now feeling a bit used, i don't feel like I know him at all

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

I'm worried I pick the same again

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

If he isn’t giving you what you need in terms of aftercare despite bringing the issue up with him twice, I personally wouldn’t see him again.

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

"I'm worried I pick the same again "

Best to start vinnla with someone as trust is building start introducing new things along the way

Like ooo how about a little spanking this time and gaude as you go along

If they rase one red flag bail and start again

Also maybe look at clubs and bdsm night could work to find someone suitable

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

"Thank you

But he is adamant that I did get looked after because I didn't feel like I was a victim of a crime. I was surprised by that"

Doesn't matter what he says it is how it made you feel .... he is just trying to invalidate your feelings because he doesn't really care.

I would be very wary about continuing to see him.

There is a fine line between a consensual dominant and submissive relationship.... and abuse .... as a submissive you have to have complete trust and belief that your dominant will look after you and not overstep your limits. And certainly listen .... especially when you say stop or something doesn't feel right.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
32 weeks ago

Carlisle usually

I'm not a big aftercare person.

My ideal aftercare is they fuck off and I chill out with my dog and a hot chocolate. But aftercare works both ways and I'm happy to make sure my partner is okay before getting my own space.

Was it not something you discussed before engaging in the activity?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

I don't think I'm going to sounds like Ive not been trained properly

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By *emorefridaCouple
32 weeks ago

La la land

Aftercare varies from person to person. Actually varies from scene to scene to me.

In my opinion as sub it's my responsibility to define my limits and what aftercare I require. If the Dom won't/can't discuss and agree limits or acknowledge that I may need aftercare then I wouldn't meet them.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

I've been to a club once and enjoyed it. I think I would scare someone too vanilla lol

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By *ittlemissTinselTitsCouple
32 weeks ago

Southampton

"Thank you

But he is adamant that I did get looked after because I didn't feel like I was a victim of a crime. I was surprised by that"

Good god he sounds like a bully rather than a true Dom....

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By *lasphemousGirlWoman
32 weeks ago

Cambs

Aftercare should always be a dominants priority in my opinion (as a switch) a debrief to make sure your sub was content, see how they are feeling, whether anything made them feel like the did or did not want to explore further etc. I'm sorry your dom didn't reflect your need for a little validation (totally normal) in the correct way OP.

aftercare should be whatever you need it to be, conversation, cuddles, snacks, whatever. Xxx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

He's not my Dominant anymore, not if he can't give aftercare which I think might fall high on my list. Thank you. I believe he doesn't care and feel sad I invested so much effort when I don't think he deserved my submission

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By *irthandgirthMan
32 weeks ago

Camberley occasionally doncaster

"Thank you

But he is adamant that I did get looked after because I didn't feel like I was a victim of a crime. I was surprised by that"

This sounds like he heard about being a Dom from a 50 shades knockoff. This is absolutely not correct behaviour. If his concern for your wellbeing stops the second he leaves I would suggest he has no clue about sub space, or sub drop and his duty of care in those situations. His lack of aftercare is raising alarm bells here. I would strongly advise discussing it with him in a no-sex situation. If he is unwilling to provide what *you* need, then consider parting ways. You need the right Dom for you.

Hope it all goes well.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

Yeah it was discussed at the very start and I was told I would get the care I need

Can I ask, if you partner approached you later and said they required aftercare from the last punishment as they were still feeling it, what would you do?

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By *ivemealadybonerWoman
32 weeks ago

somewhere

The fact you are asking the question, you already know the answer. I've found myself in a similar situation many years ago now and felt by the sounds of it, how you are feeling and it didn't sit right with me, like many have said, aftercare can differ, it sounds to me he doesn't really know what it means at all, if you have tried talking to him about it and he doesn't agree with you, walk away if you can and do have the courage to x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

I think I didn't ask enough questions, I trusted him, he was a lot more experienced than me

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By *irthandgirthMan
32 weeks ago

Camberley occasionally doncaster

"Aftercare should always be a dominants priority in my opinion (as a switch) a debrief to make sure your sub was content, see how they are feeling, whether anything made them feel like the did or did not want to explore further etc. I'm sorry your dom didn't reflect your need for a little validation (totally normal) in the correct way OP.

aftercare should be whatever you need it to be, conversation, cuddles, snacks, whatever. Xxx "

I don't consider myself a Dom, but I have had partners who need aftercare. It can go way beyond that same evening.. sometimes even a couple of days of checking in, making sure the drop isn't too much.

Absolute basics.

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By *emorefridaCouple
32 weeks ago

La la land

"I think I didn't ask enough questions, I trusted him, he was a lot more experienced than me "

If you use reply and quote people will know who you are answering

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By *emorefridaCouple
32 weeks ago

La la land

"I think I didn't ask enough questions, I trusted him, he was a lot more experienced than me "

Google submissive guide, it should bring up a website with some basic information, which may be useful if you're new to it

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By *irthandgirthMan
32 weeks ago

Camberley occasionally doncaster

"Yeah it was discussed at the very start and I was told I would get the care I need

Can I ask, if you partner approached you later and said they required aftercare from the last punishment as they were still feeling it, what would you do? "

Drop everything to discuss, either by phone or in person. Sometimes just some contact and reassurance is needed. Other times, it's hugs, or a meal out.. something to normalise things and allow you to process and rebalance.

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By *WB85Man
32 weeks ago

Staffordshire

Everybody's need for aftercare is different, it sounds like he doesn't realise that.

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By *ames250122Man
32 weeks ago

Worcester

"I was a new submissive and he was my Dominant and training me, I received 2 punishments, the first one was just spanks, the second time was pussy slaps, spanked till I was red raw but not bruised saying thank you Sir promptly after each one, collared and leashed. All were new for me. I received no aftercare

I did not see him for a while after that and after receiving a light punishment I questioned again no aftercare and he responded my flogging didn't need aftercare.

I said I thought it was the submissives need that brought on aftercare and he replies that I have never needed it because he never mistreated me during play

So I'm left unsure on what aftercare really is"

It is something they should provide regardless of whether they think it’s needed and it never a case of mistreating! The only things a dom should ever do, is what is within the subs boundaries, that’s has been agreed prior or roughly there about’s if you like having your boundaries tested. So mistreating never comes into it and it’s dangerous if they think mistreating someone has anything to do with Dom and Sub play and not what’s within what the sub feels comfortable with. Everyone has their own tolerance level and what might not be much to one person, could be a lot to another and they need that aftercare as things go back to normal. I think your understanding of aftercare is probably fine, it’s more likely your pick of a Dom that was miss judged. It’s not something every Dom provides and then some like to play being Dom but have no idea what it’s really about other then what they’ve seen in porn. That’s why it’s really important to vet potential Doms and check which are the ones that know what they’re doing and which to stay away from. Find out if they provide aftercare and know what it is when picking a Dom as well as other things so you get the right Dom for you. I know when I first got into things and explored been switch, I chatted with a guy who was sub and for him, he said it was an immediate red flag if they didn’t do aftercare or know what it was. Make sure you bring it up prior to anything happening when you talk about what you want to happen x

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By *eliWoman
32 weeks ago

"Yeah it was discussed at the very start and I was told I would get the care I need

Can I ask, if you partner approached you later and said they required aftercare from the last punishment as they were still feeling it, what would you do? "

If they said they were going to provide aftercare OP, they were going to give you the care you needed and then they failed to do that, I wouldn't be communicating with them. You know that, it's part of why you started the thread because it didn't sit right with you.

Do I think everyone has to provide aftercare? No. People are well within their rights to not (want) to receive or give it. If it's promised and doesn't happen, how are you going to have the trust to carry on activities that potentially make you feel vulnerable? You don't have it sadly Op.

I hope you're able to recharge and take time for yourself.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

I'm just realising to the sheet extent I think I've been taken advantage of...

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By *isfits behaving badlyCouple
32 weeks ago

Coventry

Everone is different. What after care is needed is a individual matter. I think a common misconception (IMO) is that a Dom should be all about telling and not listening. I think emotional intelligence goes a long way. Just because he's the Dom doesn't mean he's the judge of what after care you need or not.

Now it seems like from what has been said and questioned you needed some of that. Now obviously a good Dom should be able to pick up on this need and give accordingly. I think experience helps with that and so does chemistry. Now especially with somebody new no one can be expected to be a mind reader, that's fair to say. And it's also fair to say being a good sub and understanding this is important too. Although a sub is there to be submissive they also have a role to play to communicate their needs, especially to a dom who is new to them. Although the dom should always be just checking in and encouraging the sub to communicate. This can be suitable, not always verbal but vital for all to get the best out. And in all fairness you have communicated and asked these questions. So I would say you're doing you bit communication wise.

So we either have a dom who is tone death to your needs or worse is very selfish and just wants to fill their needs (which I suspect).

So seem to me two options:

Say this one is not for me because they don't give me the care I need.

Or you talk to them frankly and honestly about what your needs are, how they are preforming and what you can do about making it better.

I don't stand in your shoes or have the wider context. Obviously you're the one best placed to decide how you go forward knowing him and all the wider context.

Either way as this currently stands it's no good and not healthy.

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

"I think I didn't ask enough questions, I trusted him, he was a lot more experienced than me "

He told you he was alot more experienced and you trusted that he was.

I once got chatting to a pound shop Dom on here ..... he wanted no limits or safe words etc etc I said no way ...

I am sorry that you did not have a good experience because of the lack of aftercare.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

He has refused, saying he cared for me during our sessions so there was no need for aftercare, I disagreed, he is now offended and not talking to me

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By *ames250122Man
32 weeks ago

Worcester

However a brief overview of aftercare from the internet for beginners:

Aftercare looks different for everyone depending on their own unique needs and preferences, so brainstorm what your own personal needs are that need to be met post-sex. In the BDSM context, aftercare is an incredibly essential practice for a few reasons: 1) to help each partner transition out of their Dom/sub headspace in a safe way and to mitigate the distressing “Dom/sub drop” of adrenaline and other hormones after an intense scene.

2) to attend to any physical injuries that may have been inflicted if into more extreme play.

3) to maintain the thread of intimacy and closeness that the nature of the check-ins provide. The same goes for non-kinky sex too.

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

"He has refused, saying he cared for me during our sessions so there was no need for aftercare, I disagreed, he is now offended and not talking to me "

His loss.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

He is offended I even brought it up and isn't speaking to me just now

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
32 weeks ago

Carlisle usually

"He has refused, saying he cared for me during our sessions so there was no need for aftercare, I disagreed, he is now offended and not talking to me "

That's called the trash taking itself out.

I hope your future experiences are better for you OP.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"I think I didn't ask enough questions, I trusted him, he was a lot more experienced than me

If you use reply and quote people will know who you are answering "

Thank you first time posting on a forum

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

Has the dom/sub relationship been going on for the whole 4 years that you've been meeting him?

Is it only now that you've started to ask for aftercare?

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By *lasphemousGirlWoman
32 weeks ago

Cambs

aftercare should be whatever you need it to be, conversation, cuddles, snacks, whatever. Xxx

Absolute basics."

Totally agree with this, even vanilla encounters need a little reassuring sometimes. It really is basics.

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By *emorefridaCouple
32 weeks ago

La la land

"I think I didn't ask enough questions, I trusted him, he was a lot more experienced than me

If you use reply and quote people will know who you are answering

Thank you first time posting on a forum "

You're welcome and welcome to the forums. Shame it wasn't under better circumstances

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By *ames250122Man
32 weeks ago

Worcester

"He has refused, saying he cared for me during our sessions so there was no need for aftercare, I disagreed, he is now offended and not talking to me "

Think you’re better off to be honest and he’s doing you a favour if that’s his response. There are far better Don’s out there that are far more understanding and respectful of your wishes and feeling as they know your putting your self in a very vulnerable position with them and there needs to be trust as well as a sense they have your safety and wellbeing at heart x

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

"I think I didn't ask enough questions, I trusted him, he was a lot more experienced than me "

I don’t think he is particularly experienced, but most importantly, he is not as experienced as you are, about YOU. You told him what you needed and he failed you.

Do not feel guilty for needing whatever you needed afterwards, your feelings and needs were/are completely valid.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"I think I didn't ask enough questions, I trusted him, he was a lot more experienced than me

Google submissive guide, it should bring up a website with some basic information, which may be useful if you're new to it "

Thank you, I'll look into it

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By *lasphemousGirlWoman
32 weeks ago

Cambs

"He has refused, saying he cared for me during our sessions so there was no need for aftercare, I disagreed, he is now offended and not talking to me "

Block him on everything and move on baby, he is not a dom. Feel free to pm me platonically if you'd like to talk I've been in similar situations xxx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"Yeah it was discussed at the very start and I was told I would get the care I need

Can I ask, if you partner approached you later and said they required aftercare from the last punishment as they were still feeling it, what would you do?

That's nice to hear, I'll hopefully get something like that when I get a proper Dominant

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By *isfits behaving badlyCouple
32 weeks ago

Coventry

I must admit it's a bit red flag bingo going on here.

Always be aware of the dom with the easily bruised ego.

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

"He is offended I even brought it up and isn't speaking to me just now "

What a fucking baby. This is not a Dom, this is a child, sulking because his manipulation didn’t work.

You’re better off without someone like that, particularly when you’re going to be participating in activities that could make you vulnerable, physically or emotionally.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

I did not see him for a while after that and after receiving a light punishment I questioned again no aftercare and he responded my flogging didn't need aftercare.

I said I thought it was the submissives need that brought on aftercare and he replies that I have never needed it because he never mistreated me during play

So I'm left unsure on what aftercare really is

Definitely! I will vet the next one better, thank you for the information and advice x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"He has refused, saying he cared for me during our sessions so there was no need for aftercare, I disagreed, he is now offended and not talking to me

His loss. "

Thank you x

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

On point; or someone out of their depth

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"Everone is different. What after care is needed is a individual matter. I think a common misconception (IMO) is that a Dom should be all about telling and not listening. I think emotional intelligence goes a long way. Just because he's the Dom doesn't mean he's the judge of what after care you need or not.

So we either have a dom who is tone death to your needs or worse is very selfish and just wants to fill their needs (which I suspect).

So seem to me two options:

Say this one is not for me because they don't give me the care I need.

Or you talk to them frankly and honestly about what your needs are, how they are preforming and what you can do about making it better.

I don't stand in your shoes or have the wider context. Obviously you're the one best placed to decide how you go forward knowing him and all the wider context.

Either way as this currently stands it's no good and not healthy.

Mr"

Thank you for your words, they have brought a bit of clarity. I agree and he is definitely the wrong choice for me. I will choose better. Thank you again

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"Yeah it was discussed at the very start and I was told I would get the care I need

Can I ask, if you partner approached you later and said they required aftercare from the last punishment as they were still feeling it, what would you do?

I hope you're able to recharge and take time for yourself."

You are absolute right. I think I need to rest and recharge, thank you

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"I think I didn't ask enough questions, I trusted him, he was a lot more experienced than me

He told you he was alot more experienced and you trusted that he was.

I once got chatting to a pound shop Dom on here ..... he wanted no limits or safe words etc etc I said no way ...

I am sorry that you did not have a good experience because of the lack of aftercare.

Thank you, mine gave me into trouble for saying my safe word lol guess my needs really didn't matter

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

Thank you, mine gave me into trouble for saying my safe word lol guess my needs really didn't matter "

He sounds such a charmer

Sending you a big virtual platonic hug xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"However a brief overview of aftercare from the internet for beginners:

2) to attend to any physical injuries that may have been inflicted if into more extreme play.

3) to maintain the thread of intimacy and closeness that the nature of the check-ins provide. The same goes for non-kinky sex too."

I think he just pretended to be a Dominant to get what he wanted from me.

I'll definitely do that, I think I need to resy, recharge and work out what my needs would be and make sure they are filled. Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it

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By *ellinever70Woman
32 weeks ago

Ayrshire

Leaving the sub and dom stuff aside...if you don't feel good about or within yourself after spending time with him, is he really the man for you?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"He has refused, saying he cared for me during our sessions so there was no need for aftercare, I disagreed, he is now offended and not talking to me

His loss. "

Thank you

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"He has refused, saying he cared for me during our sessions so there was no need for aftercare, I disagreed, he is now offended and not talking to me

That's called the trash taking itself out.

I hope your future experiences are better for you OP."

Can't argue with the truth...

Thank you, I've got some great advice on this thread so I'm feeling a bit more confident

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By *eroLondonMan
32 weeks ago

Mayfair

"I think I didn't ask enough questions, I trusted him, he was a lot more experienced than me

I don’t think he is particularly experienced, but most importantly, he is not as experienced as you are, about YOU. You told him what you needed and he failed you.

Do not feel guilty for needing whatever you needed afterwards, your feelings and needs were/are completely valid."

•

I think this ^ is quite a compelling viewpoint, and well put.

OP, I'm sorry to hear about your experiences.

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By *oodmessMan
32 weeks ago

yumsville

"Thank you. I have fucked this guy on and off for 4 years and now feeling a bit used, i don't feel like I know him at all "

It sounds like after 4 years of seeing each other you need a safe word.

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By *ittleMissCali_MrDJCouple
32 weeks ago

wonderland.

I did not see him for a while after that and after receiving a light punishment I questioned again no aftercare and he responded my flogging didn't need aftercare.

I said I thought it was the submissives need that brought on aftercare and he replies that I have never needed it because he never mistreated me during play

So I'm left unsure on what aftercare really is"
that sounds an incredibly heavy scene for a new submissive.

Was it the first time you had met this dominant?? If so.. no way should you have already Been calling him sir....

Sounds like a dimdom

Doesn't matter what.. aftercare is important always

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"Has the dom/sub relationship been going on for the whole 4 years that you've been meeting him?

Is it only now that you've started to ask for aftercare? "

It's been on and off playing Dom/sub roles for 4 years. During that time I received 3 punishment for bad behaviour and yes I've put my foot down now and questioned it and realised that he doesn't care for me

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"He has refused, saying he cared for me during our sessions so there was no need for aftercare, I disagreed, he is now offended and not talking to me

Thank you x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

Thank you, mine gave me into trouble for saying my safe word lol guess my needs really didn't matter

He sounds such a charmer

Sending you a big virtual platonic hug xx "

Thank you, tight one of appreciation right back at ya

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By *angria_girlukWoman
32 weeks ago

LUTON

Sub Drop is so real, and

I really felt unsettled when I didn't receive after care.

If he cannot provide it, he isn't the Dom for you.

Good on you for asking for it too.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"He has refused, saying he cared for me during our sessions so there was no need for aftercare, I disagreed, he is now offended and not talking to me

Block him on everything and move on baby, he is not a dom. Feel free to pm me platonically if you'd like to talk I've been in similar situations xxx "

Thank you my darling, I might hit you up to vet potentials xxx

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By *moothCriminal_xMan
32 weeks ago

Redditch

After care is half the fun for me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"Sub Drop is so real, and

I really felt unsettled when I didn't receive after care.

If he cannot provide it, he isn't the Dom for you.

Good on you for asking for it too. "

Thank you for your validation when mine shut me down. It was difficult to ask for and difficult answer to understand. I have much more clarity now xx

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By *J the bullMan
32 weeks ago

Washington

"Good but surprised he just left afterwards then I didn't hear from him for a while and now I feel like I missed out on the care and communication I needed"

You did and never minded after care he just sounds a selfish "dom'abee" prick

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"I think I didn't ask enough questions, I trusted him, he was a lot more experienced than me

I don’t think he is particularly experienced, but most importantly, he is not as experienced as you are, about YOU. You told him what you needed and he failed you.

Do not feel guilty for needing whatever you needed afterwards, your feelings and needs were/are completely valid.

Thank you for your support me and your validation of my needs, I appreciate it x

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

"Has the dom/sub relationship been going on for the whole 4 years that you've been meeting him?

Is it only now that you've started to ask for aftercare?

Ah okay.

Personally I'd tell him to do one.

Very few people who you meet for casual sex will care about you I'm afraid. It's a hard lesson to learn but seems you have found out the hard way

Maybe find someone who is more interested in a proper dom/sub relationship not just casual?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"Leaving the sub and dom stuff aside...if you don't feel good about or within yourself after spending time with him, is he really the man for you?"

I really enjoyed his company and the sex was amazing but he did not met my needs for aftercare after punishment so no, he is not mine anymore, he can go away lol x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"I must admit it's a bit red flag bingo going on here.

Always be aware of the dom with the easily bruised ego."

Ooooo very very true, they do more harm than good in the long run

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"I think I didn't ask enough questions, I trusted him, he was a lot more experienced than me

I don’t think he is particularly experienced, but most importantly, he is not as experienced as you are, about YOU. You told him what you needed and he failed you.

Do not feel guilty for needing whatever you needed afterwards, your feelings and needs were/are completely valid.

•

I think this ^ is quite a compelling viewpoint, and well put.

OP, I'm sorry to hear about your experiences."

Completely agree and thank you

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

"I'm not a big aftercare person.

My ideal aftercare is they fuck off and I chill out with my dog and a hot chocolate. But aftercare works both ways and I'm happy to make sure my partner is okay before getting my own space.

Was it not something you discussed before engaging in the activity?"

So so sorry, I apprecuthis is probably a very serious post especially for the OP but not going to lie I did laugh prob way to much at this. "they fuck off and I chill with my dog and a hot chocolate"

In all seriousness I hope your OK OP

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"Thank you. I have fucked this guy on and off for 4 years and now feeling a bit used, i don't feel like I know him at all

It sounds like after 4 years of seeing each other you need a safe word."

I've had it for a long time but we are done now

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"After care is half the fun for me."

It's a nice thought for me

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

I did not see him for a while after that and after receiving a light punishment I questioned again no aftercare and he responded my flogging didn't need aftercare.

I said I thought it was the submissives need that brought on aftercare and he replies that I have never needed it because he never mistreated me during play

So I'm left unsure on what aftercare really is that sounds an incredibly heavy scene for a new submissive.

Was it the first time you had met this dominant?? If so.. no way should you have already Been calling him sir....

Sounds like a dimdom

Doesn't matter what.. aftercare is important always "

I knew him well and trusted him by that point but I was wrong and didnt walk away when I should have

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By *ouples_EroticaXXXCouple
32 weeks ago

manchester

I did not see him for a while after that and after receiving a light punishment I questioned again no aftercare and he responded my flogging didn't need aftercare.

I said I thought it was the submissives need that brought on aftercare and he replies that I have never needed it because he never mistreated me during play

So I'm left unsure on what aftercare really is"

You need to fuck him off. As people have said pound shop Cristian gray. We would advise meeting or communicating again with him

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"I'm not a big aftercare person.

My ideal aftercare is they fuck off and I chill out with my dog and a hot chocolate. But aftercare works both ways and I'm happy to make sure my partner is okay before getting my own space.

Was it not something you discussed before engaging in the activity?

So so sorry, I apprecuthis is probably a very serious post especially for the OP but not going to lie I did laugh prob way to much at this. "they fuck off and I chill with my dog and a hot chocolate"

In all seriousness I hope your OK OP "

I loved that, each to their own in my book. But what I liked the most is the respect for the other persons needs

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"Good but surprised he just left afterwards then I didn't hear from him for a while and now I feel like I missed out on the care and communication I needed

You did and never minded after care he just sounds a selfish "dom'abee" prick"

Thank you, I appreciate that

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By (user no longer on site) OP
32 weeks ago

"Has the dom/sub relationship been going on for the whole 4 years that you've been meeting him?

Is it only now that you've started to ask for aftercare?

Ah okay.

Personally I'd tell him to do one.

Very few people who you meet for casual sex will care about you I'm afraid. It's a hard lesson to learn but seems you have found out the hard way

Maybe find someone who is more interested in a proper dom/sub relationship not just casual? "

I would hope to eventually get there but believe I have a lot to learn from the tight people

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By *ittleMissCali_MrDJCouple
32 weeks ago

wonderland.

I did not see him for a while after that and after receiving a light punishment I questioned again no aftercare and he responded my flogging didn't need aftercare.

I said I thought it was the submissives need that brought on aftercare and he replies that I have never needed it because he never mistreated me during play

So I'm left unsure on what aftercare really is that sounds an incredibly heavy scene for a new submissive.

Was it the first time you had met this dominant?? If so.. no way should you have already Been calling him sir....

Sounds like a dimdom

Doesn't matter what.. aftercare is important always

I knew him well and trusted him by that point but I was wrong and didnt walk away when I should have "
we all make bad judgements... xx

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By *irthandgirthMan
32 weeks ago

Camberley occasionally doncaster

"Yeah it was discussed at the very start and I was told I would get the care I need

Can I ask, if you partner approached you later and said they required aftercare from the last punishment as they were still feeling it, what would you do?

That's nice to hear, I'll hopefully get something like that when I get a proper Dominant "

Fingers crossed. Hopefully you have plenty of info from this thread. I am sure that if you have any questions about a new Dom, people on here will be happy to help and offer advice. I am sure your process will improve. I am sorry you had someone who obviously wasn't in tune with you and your needs.

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By *lue collar bradMan
32 weeks ago

I can't really add to this thread but came on to say its a very interesting read and given alot of valid points so thank you everyone

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

I did not see him for a while after that and after receiving a light punishment I questioned again no aftercare and he responded my flogging didn't need aftercare.

I said I thought it was the submissives need that brought on aftercare and he replies that I have never needed it because he never mistreated me during play

So I'm left unsure on what aftercare really is"

This is why I don't get on with most dommes. No aftercare and no let up is abuse plain and simple.

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By *ittlebirdWoman
32 weeks ago

The Big Smoke

It seems you both have not been clear in advance of the scenes you’ve done about many many things OP.

Agreements about what justifies a punishment and then what that punishment would be should absolutely be put in place BEFORE taking part in any kind of BDSM scene.

As should levels of aftercare you think you might need.

If this “Dom” doesn’t want to discuss them then he is not a dom at all.

Take your time. Read up what you want and don’t want and don’t go into scenes like this without doing that.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your journey

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By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

I did not see him for a while after that and after receiving a light punishment I questioned again no aftercare and he responded my flogging didn't need aftercare.

I said I thought it was the submissives need that brought on aftercare and he replies that I have never needed it because he never mistreated me during play

So I'm left unsure on what aftercare really is"

Give him the swerve from now on and avoid him. Obviously has little concern for any sub it and appears he uses a sub just for his own personal needs. If he thinks aftercare isn't needed then he really is clueless. Aftercare is emotional as well as physical.

Hope you find someone who understands a LOT better.

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By *isstinseltoesWoman
32 weeks ago

Calderdale innit

I'll be honest, I don't know much about being a sub or aftercare etc. However he seems like he's totally dismissing your feelings.

I'd cut him off op, there's no point trying to keep explaining the same thing to someone who either doesn't care or doesn't try to understand.

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By *rHotNottsMan
32 weeks ago

Dubai & Nottingham

As should levels of aftercare you think you might need. "

This is really important not to assume it’s the same as the last experience you had. It never is.

Some people go hypersensitive and cannot even be touched immediately often continuing to cry after but not wanting anything just you to be there then slowly come round for different needs in the hour or too the follows - touch, conversation, hydration, food , and the next day maybe more conversation about what happened .

Other people are high and laughing after but it’s much more about the messages that follow in the next few days or so as they drop and the pain and bruises appear.

It’s best to discuss

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By *gent CoulsonMan
32 weeks ago

Secret hideaway in the pennines

As an active dominant, I would definitely say that strikes me as a huge red flag.

Irrespective of play scene or physical punishment, aftercare should always be given.

It prevents that feeling of abandonment and helps build the D/s bond.

Not once when I have had to implement physical punishment have ever not followed it up the the respective aftercare

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