FabSwingers.com forum: What is the worst advice you could give to someone visiting Scotland for the first time

By *usman 199 OP Man
2 weeks ago

Stockport

Wear an England shirt

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By *ittlemissmistressKCouple
2 weeks ago

Southampton

Say " och aye tha noo" constantly

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By *ife NinjaMan
2 weeks ago

Dunfermline

"Wear an England shirt

I wear mine.

Don't relentless ask about a deep fried Mars bar. Nobody eats them except the tourists

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By *ighFlyerSissyTV/TS
2 weeks ago

Midlands

"Wear an England shirt

Come in shorts sleeveless tops and no cap and enjoy the countryside as if it was a beach!

Midges arent really a thing in the Highlands

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By *he ShivsCouple
2 weeks ago

fife

"Say " och aye tha noo" constantly "

We were in Blackpool and a group of women were shouting that behind us after they heard us talking. I was fuming

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By *ittlemissmistressKCouple
2 weeks ago

Southampton

"Say " och aye tha noo" constantly

We were in Blackpool and a group of women were shouting that behind us after they heard us talking. I was fuming

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By *r John WickMan
2 weeks ago

The Continental

Call everyone Jocks

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By *he ShivsCouple
2 weeks ago

fife

Go to a pub and start a conversation on who the better football team is between Rangers and Celtic.

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By *r John WickMan
2 weeks ago

The Continental

"Go to a pub and start a conversation on who the better football team is between Rangers and Celtic. "

Or how they’d fare in the English League.

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By *alcon77Man
2 weeks ago

under the sun & the moon

Ask any Scottish person to say "purple burglar alarm"

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By *hekaiserMan
2 weeks ago

Glasgow

"Ask any Scottish person to say "purple burglar alarm""

This and "there has been a murder "

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By *ink Gin PleaseWoman
2 weeks ago

Stirling

Midges don't exist.

You won't need a brolly.

We love when you attempt to copy our accent x

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By *ittlemissmistressKCouple
2 weeks ago

Southampton

"Ask any Scottish person to say "purple burglar alarm"

This and "there has been a murder ""

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By (user no longer on site)
2 weeks ago

Ask where Jimmy is

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By *red333Man
2 weeks ago

Dorchester

Never walk into a strange bar and buy a round of drinks for 16 people sporting a fifty pound note which you hold in the air to catch the bar mans attention

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By *ittlebirdWoman
2 weeks ago

The Big Smoke

"Ask any Scottish person to say "purple burglar alarm"

This and "there has been a murder ""

This is what I do

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By *he ShivsCouple
2 weeks ago

fife

"Ask any Scottish person to say "purple burglar alarm"

This and "there has been a murder ""

And Carl

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By *illy IdolMan
2 weeks ago

Somewhere near the middle

Ask them how much a chippy tea is

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By *he ShivsCouple
2 weeks ago

fife

"Ask them how much a chippy tea is"

GO AWAY

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By *obilebottomMan
2 weeks ago

All over

Ask them if they've seen Nessie.

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By *he Flat CapsCouple
2 weeks ago

Pontypool

Call anyone a cow.

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By *illy IdolMan
2 weeks ago

Somewhere near the middle

"Ask them how much a chippy tea is

GO AWAY

That should have been your answer the first time round

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By *tanley FunseekerMan
2 weeks ago

stanley

Go to an old firm match in an England shirt

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By *ehindHerEyesCouple
2 weeks ago

SomewhereOnlyWeKnow

"Ask any Scottish person to say "purple burglar alarm"

This and "there has been a murder "

And Carl "

Or poem

Tinder

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By *ools and the brainCouple
2 weeks ago

couple, us we him her.

"Ask any Scottish person to say "purple burglar alarm"

This and "there has been a murder "

And Carl

Or poem

Tinder "

Or curly wurly

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By *lubchuckerMan
2 weeks ago

Oxfordshire

There's no need for Jungle Formula

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By *reative-mindMan
2 weeks ago

Exeter

Paint you're face blue

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By *orny PTMan
2 weeks ago

Peterborough

Wear a t-shirt saying "Haggis is roadkill in a condom"

Ask "Do you speak English?"

Wear a t-shirt saying "Tizer is better than Irn Bru"

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By *orny PTMan
2 weeks ago

Peterborough

"Go to a pub and start a conversation on who the better football team is between Rangers and Celtic. "

Or confusing QPR for Rangers.

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By *r W T SaneMan
2 weeks ago

here and there

Go to Edinburgh during the Fringe

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By *panksspankedMan
2 weeks ago

Edinburgh

Just announce you voted for Brexit and that England deserve to win another World Cup while drinking The MacAllan and grapefruit juice you loudly insisted the barman pour you.

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By *yzykMan
2 weeks ago

Stirlingshire

"Go to an old firm match in an England shirt "

There are plenty on one side of the Old Firm who wear England shirts

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By *orny PTMan
2 weeks ago

Peterborough

Tell them it's spelt WHISKEY!

Tell them Its not Mc but Mac!

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By *rsMxCouple
2 weeks ago

Glasgow

Don't bother bringing a jacket

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By *emma HoldenTV/TS
2 weeks ago

Ramsey

Apply to be the next SNP leader

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By *ho Me!Man
2 weeks ago

Essex borders

"Call anyone a cow. "

Exactly this....never realized it's the height of shit things to say in Scotland

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
2 weeks ago

BRIDPORT

Tell them when they are offered whiskey, it is the height of rudeness to do anything other than swill it around their mouth and then spit it on the floor

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By *agnar73Man
2 weeks ago

Glasgow

"Ask any Scottish person to say "purple burglar alarm""

Fucksake.

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By *oeSurreyMan
2 weeks ago

Woking

Ask if the ginger Lego hair one is innocent of any wrongdoing

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
2 weeks ago

Central

Your English right to roam in Scotland means that you don't need to queue anywhere, just take the place that suits you.

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By *he_turtle_movesMan
2 weeks ago

basingstoke

Make sure to tell everyone you're distantly related to William Wallace, then will immediately accept you as a local

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By *ornucopiaMan
2 weeks ago

Bexley

"Go to a pub and start a conversation on who the better football team is between Rangers and Celtic. "

How would anyone rate my chances if I said that I don't have the silightest clue who Rangers or Celtic are?

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By *he ShivsCouple
2 weeks ago

fife

"Go to a pub and start a conversation on who the better football team is between Rangers and Celtic.

How would anyone rate my chances if I said that I don't have the silightest clue who Rangers or Celtic are?"

Oh, death

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By *xcumMan
2 weeks ago

kidderminster

Turn around and head south, much better

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By *orny PTMan
2 weeks ago

Peterborough

"Go to a pub and start a conversation on who the better football team is between Rangers and Celtic.

How would anyone rate my chances if I said that I don't have the silightest clue who Rangers or Celtic are?"

What's football?

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By *eepcomingbackMan
2 weeks ago

travelling

You take the high road

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By *luttTV/TS
2 weeks ago

Duns

Try and get to the bottom of what a “chip supper” would contain.

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By *uckyNineMan
2 weeks ago

prescot

Ask “Do you know the krankies”

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By *ittlemissmistressKCouple
2 weeks ago

Southampton

"Try and get to the bottom of what a “chip supper” would contain. "

Chips usually

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By *ornucopiaMan
2 weeks ago

Bexley

"Go to a pub and start a conversation on who the better football team is between Rangers and Celtic.

How would anyone rate my chances if I said that I don't have the silightest clue who Rangers or Celtic are?

What's football?"

No good asking me!

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By *nnCeeWoman
2 weeks ago

East Surrey

Tell them you love the Welsh accent?

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By *aptain Caveman41Man
2 weeks ago

Home

Hang a trí-colour outside ibrox

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By *agnar73Man
2 weeks ago

Glasgow

"Go to a pub and start a conversation on who the better football team is between Rangers and Celtic.

How would anyone rate my chances if I said that I don't have the silightest clue who Rangers or Celtic are?

What's football?"

Not advisable as that means you like cricket.

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By *agatoXXXMan
2 weeks ago

Rigel VII

Go into the Sarry Heid and order a cocktail.

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By *appy 2 lickMan
2 weeks ago

lanarkshire

"Apply to be the next SNP leader"
that's just sick

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By *bw for fun againCouple
2 weeks ago

wishaw

Say you voted tory even the Scottish tories don't have the balls to admit that outside family and friends. Wink wink

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By *ister_EMan
2 weeks ago

Hayling Island

When I lived in Scotland my favourite way to get a rise out of them was to say "You know Scotland isn't a real country, its just an uppity British province"

Next came sheep jokes and telling them that the Irish invented whisky

Don't bother teasing them about being cheap though.... It's a source of national pride

I love the Scott's really, and living in Aberdeenshire was amazing. I could get away with giving them a bit of shit because I'm South African... Don't suggest trying it if you're English though! (Not unless your mother can sew

)

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By *orny PTMan
2 weeks ago

Peterborough

"Go to a pub and start a conversation on who the better football team is between Rangers and Celtic.

How would anyone rate my chances if I said that I don't have the silightest clue who Rangers or Celtic are?

What's football?

Not advisable as that means you like cricket."

What's cricket?

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By *red333Man
2 weeks ago

Dorchester

Never buy a round

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By *agnar73Man
2 weeks ago

Glasgow

"Go to a pub and start a conversation on who the better football team is between Rangers and Celtic.

How would anyone rate my chances if I said that I don't have the silightest clue who Rangers or Celtic are?

What's football?

Not advisable as that means you like cricket.

What's cricket?"

Don’t ask me, is it a step up from Morris dancing or something?

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By *he turned me GreyCouple
2 weeks ago

Warwick and Coventry

Visit Handsworth in brum for a kebab n battered mars bar

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By *owestoft ManMan
2 weeks ago

Lowestoft

Go into a bar and ask for Whiskey and Coke.

Go into a No buttons lift only speech activation and pretend you cant speak.

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By (user no longer on site)
2 weeks ago

[Removed by poster at 30/04/24 13:57:13]

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By *orny PTMan
2 weeks ago

Peterborough

Ask if they accept sterling.

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By *rHotNottsMan
2 weeks ago

Dubai

Go in summer and don’t worry about the midges

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By *inkster seekingMan
2 weeks ago

ponty

Where shorts and t shirt it's always hot there

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By *ddie1966Man
2 weeks ago

Paper Town Central, Essex.

Call all the ladies Morag and the men, Hamish.

And.

Keep an eye out for the wild haggis.

Much more timid than the drop bears in oz...

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By *layfullsamMan
2 weeks ago

Solihull

You’ve got to imitate their accent when you talk to them, it’s like Spain they’ll love that you tried to talk in the local language..

Open every conversation by saying loudly and very slowly

Do. You. Speak. English

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By *layfullsamMan
2 weeks ago

Solihull

Don’t

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By *a LunaWoman
2 weeks ago

Southern Wales

Pack T-shirts and factor 50

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By *iddlesticksMan
2 weeks ago

My nan’s spare room.

Don’t bother with insect repellent the midges in Scotland don’t bite.

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By *red333Man
2 weeks ago

Dorchester

Go into a bar and say whos stitched their wallet up

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By *partharmonyCouple
2 weeks ago

Ruislip

Ask them how they got on in the last World Cup.

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By *krs2000Man
2 weeks ago

Winsford

To actually go ??

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By *ools and the brainCouple
2 weeks ago

couple, us we him her.

"To actually go ??"

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By *estivalfunloverMan
2 weeks ago

didcot

Go into a bar and sit there doing the crossword. When you’ve sussed out who the oldest lairiest Scotsman is in the bar, ask loudly what cast adrift on an island, 8 letters beginning with M could be, when he tells you the answer, claim to be a bit deaf and keep asking him to speak up a bit, until he shouts at you, it’s marooned you idiot. The whole bar will then start cheering.

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By *agatoXXXMan
2 weeks ago

Rigel VII

"Ask them how they got on in the last World Cup. "

That works in england too.

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By *ooBulMan
2 weeks ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Tell them Irn Bru tastes just like pish & no thanks yer not drinking it cos it's pish....

Don't forget to ask them for a Glaswegian kiss too!!!

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By *ohnSwingsSurreyMan
2 weeks ago

Horley

It’s pronounced Lock

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By *red333Man
2 weeks ago

Dorchester

"Go into a bar and sit there doing the crossword. When you’ve sussed out who the oldest lairiest Scotsman is in the bar, ask loudly what cast adrift on an island, 8 letters beginning with M could be, when he tells you the answer, claim to be a bit deaf and keep asking him to speak up a bit, until he shouts at you, it’s marooned you idiot. The whole bar will then start cheering.

"
lol

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By *vcdmodeljennyTV/TS
2 weeks ago

marske

Don't go

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By *eedsmale36Man
2 weeks ago

Leeds

Tell any Scottish lady they must do right by Morag and fight her in the old traditional way, “both bare breasted and carrying an 8lb baby”

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By *orny PTMan
2 weeks ago

Peterborough

Dress like Russ Abbot.

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By *rAitchMan
2 weeks ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

Ask Donald "where's yer troosers?"

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By *BWLOVER1965Man
2 weeks ago

Meh

Vote SMP

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By *amhorniestMan
2 weeks ago

East Molesey

To go scootering with Humza Yousaf

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By *ichaelsmyMan
2 weeks ago

douglas

dont forget your sunglasses

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By *Four_uCouple
2 weeks ago

Nr Blackpool

No you won't need an umbrella

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By *lynJMan
2 weeks ago

Morden

"Go to a pub and start a conversation on who the better football team is between Rangers and Celtic.

How would anyone rate my chances if I said that I don't have the silightest clue who Rangers or Celtic are?

What's football?

Not advisable as that means you like cricket.

What's cricket?

Don’t ask me, is it a step up from Morris dancing or something?"

It's a type of insect similar to a grasshopper.

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By *rDiscreetlyMan
2 weeks ago

Leicester

You won't need that umbrella...

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By *rDiscreetlyMan
2 weeks ago

Leicester

[Removed by poster at 30/04/24 22:36:44]

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By *rDiscreetlyMan
2 weeks ago

Leicester

"No you won't need an umbrella

Dammit, you beat me to it, lol

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By *oxy RedWoman
2 weeks ago

Glasgow

Clap the midges x

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By *ony-JonesMan
2 weeks ago

Gillingham

Ask them if they have seen Jimmy Crankey

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By *opeyXWoman
2 weeks ago

Dun Dee

"You won't need that umbrella..."

You probably won't due to the wind it won't stay up.

Ask for a Glasgow kiss.

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By *ansoffateMan
2 weeks ago

Sagittarius A

Get a battered pizza they are deliscious

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By *luttTV/TS
2 weeks ago

Duns

"Try and get to the bottom of what a “chip supper” would contain.

Chips usually "

Yeah, but is it chips with chips?

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By *reen as JadeCouple
2 weeks ago

Cheshire

Don't bother talking your raincoat.

I went to Scotland on a long weekend and it didn't stop raining for a minute. X

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By *red333Man
2 weeks ago

Dorchester

"Try and get to the bottom of what a “chip supper” would contain.

Chips usually

Yeah, but is it chips with chips?

"
lol no its the meal which could be a black or white pudding battered with chips so that would be a black pudding supper or a white pudding supper

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By *Four_uCouple
2 weeks ago

Nr Blackpool

"No you won't need an umbrella

Dammit, you beat me to it, lol"

Lol

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By *red333Man
2 weeks ago

Dorchester

"Wear an England shirt

I wear mine.

Don't relentless ask about a deep fried Mars bar. Nobody eats them except the tourists

"
oh scottish people eat them

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By *undee2Man
2 weeks ago

Dundee

"Go into the Sarry Heid and order a cocktail."

Lol. I haven't been there in over twenty years. An interesting venue for the intellectuals.

As for the person who mentioned the word "cow" - no, no, no!

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By *undee2Man
2 weeks ago

Dundee

"Get a battered pizza they are delicious"

When I had my gall bladder removed that was the first naughty meal. Designed by God for consumption after a bevvy.

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By *ansoffateMan
2 weeks ago

Sagittarius A

"Get a battered pizza they are delicious

When I had my gall bladder removed that was the first naughty meal. Designed by God for consumption after a bevvy."

no offence but I'd rather have a kebab from Chucky's in Garston. It's these small cultural differences that make life so diverse and fulfilling though.

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By *s2andyou2Couple
2 weeks ago

Borders

Speak to everyone about Scottish independence

Mrs

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By *red333Man
2 weeks ago

Dorchester

When you go to Scotland you won't need trews or jackets and take a pair of binoculars especially on a saturday night

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By *ortyairCouple
2 weeks ago

Wallasey

What's all the issues around a Chippy Dinner and how much does one cost?

Mrs x

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
2 weeks ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

"Ask any Scottish person to say "purple burglar alarm"

This and "there has been a murder "

And Carl "

They'd still do a better job than Andrew Lincoln in TWD...

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By *red333Man
2 weeks ago

Dorchester

"What's all the issues around a Chippy Dinner and how much does one cost?

Mrs x"
no its cheap up their its a staple diet for many

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By *ortyairCouple
2 weeks ago

Wallasey

Aaah OK,

Mrs x

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By *ackformore100Man
2 weeks ago

Tin town

Walk through the pub pretending to play a penny whistle

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By *r TriomanMan
2 weeks ago

Malmesbury/Larkhill

Take Sun Screen

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By *glyBettyTV/TS
2 weeks ago

About 3 feet away from the fence

Ask someone if they've been watching the cricket.

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By *ean counterMan
2 weeks ago

Kettering/ Market Harborough

In summer don't worry about the midges as they won't bother you

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By *ornucopiaMan
2 weeks ago

Bexley

Don't check any previous comments to see if anyone from England has already mentioned it.

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By *ooBulMan
2 weeks ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Ask the bar staff if the notes & change are funny money & it reminds you of Monopoly....

Cos, I bet you they've not heard that much.

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By *allandathleticMan
2 weeks ago

lincolnshire

If in Glasgow. Go to the bar and ask for a pint of Venom.

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By *akedTruthPT2Couple
2 weeks ago

Wellington

Go in summer, camp by a loch, and take no provisions for the midges.... there wont be any...

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By *2000ManMan
2 weeks ago

Worthing

"Go to a pub and start a conversation on who the better football team is between Rangers and Celtic. "

Or say both should join an English league and give the others a chance!

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By *glyBettyTV/TS
2 weeks ago

About 3 feet away from the fence

Go up to someone from the Highlands and say " so, Shinty.... isn't that just hockey with added cheating?"

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By *ools and the brainCouple
2 weeks ago

couple, us we him her.

Well don't do what I did in a wee pub attached to a petrol station

Went for a drink with stepdad as the bar was closed to them house, I tried paying with a Scottish pound note not a five pound note (yes it was long enough ago that a fiver purchased two pints)

The guy behind the bar was extremely stroppy and threatened to bar me, all I did was say "sorry mate it all looks the same to me bit like monopoly money innit bruv "

Some people are so sensitive

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By *ools and the brainCouple
2 weeks ago

couple, us we him her.

And don't tell shetlanders they are Scottish as they are very proud of their viking roots.

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By *igBlondeWoman
2 weeks ago

Jersey (sometimes Notts)

Gonnae no dae that.

Just, gonnae no.

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By *ean counterMan
2 weeks ago

Kettering/ Market Harborough

"Go to a pub and start a conversation on who the better football team is between Rangers and Celtic.

Or say both should join an English league and give the others a chance! "

Yeah, they might be ok in the english 1st division but they wouldn't survive the championship !

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By *uzie69xTV/TS
2 weeks ago

Maidstone

"Ask Donald "where's yer troosers?""

Aye, it's because Donald's wearing his kilt... ask him if there's anything 'worn' underneath it...

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By *odgerMooreMan
2 weeks ago

Carlisle

Start a discussion about the 6th verse of the National Anthem that mentions travelling up to putting unruly scots back in their place

‘Lord grant that Marshal Wade, May by thy mighty aid, Victory bring. May he sedition hush, And like a torrent rush, Rebellious Scots to crush, God Save the King’

- and end it with quite right too - uppity bastards!! It seems to hit a funny bone and they’ll really take you to their hearts

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By *om and JennieCouple
2 weeks ago

Chams or Socials

"Ask the bar staff if the notes & change are funny money & it reminds you of Monopoly....

Cos, I bet you they've not heard that much.

I near enough always have Scottish notes in my purse - far nicer than the Bank of England notes

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By *orny PTMan
2 weeks ago

Peterborough

"If in Glasgow. Go to the bar and ask for a pint of Venom."

is this it?

Fill a pint glass with some ice

Add a 25ml shot of your favourite vodka

Add 25ml shot of Southern Comfort.

Pour a 275ml bottle of Blue WKD/VK into the glass

Top off the drink with orange juice and watch the colour satisfyingly turn from blue to a bright luminous green

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