FabSwingers.com forum: How many times

By *etillante OP Woman
over a year ago

Do you forgive someone?

I have a family member who over decades has used me.

Every time I have been the one to offer the olive branch.

How many times do you be the 'bigger person'

Sorry I know this is not a'swinging topic' but I really need help and know that here I'll get it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I forgave a member of my family for my whole life everytime she hurt me used me whatever I was the one to call her and say dont worry . . . . UNTIL she set out to cause pain to my kids then it was bye watch the door dont hit you on the arse on the way out.

Havent spoken to her for 4 years now and tbh wouldnt spit on her if she was on fire.

All because she hurt my kids.

Aqua hun no one can say what you have to do only you will know what is right for you but if you want an ear let me know

Shona

x x x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can only put up with it for so long hun

If people put on ya and its all give and no take then you eventually have to draw the line

Hope it goes well for ya xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its very difficult when its family. Maybe it depends on how close a family member it is ?

I feel that just because people are related to you that is no reason to forego manners and the usual politeness. But I think it really boils down to how you feel about the person, how hurt would you be if you cut them off.

How much of your family would you lose contact with if you lost this one member ? Not much help I suppose Honey, but believe me I know exactly where you are here, you can always PM me and I'll give you my number if you want a natter any time.

Hugs xxx Raz xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I do not believe I have to be nice to someone just because he/she is family.

Hence I have not spoken to my sister since 2002.

She has not spoken to my brother since 1989, except when she had to speak to him to enquire about my father's health when he was dying of lung cancer and my mum was not in the house.

So no, I do not forgive a family member if he/she has done me wrong!

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

3..... max.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

BTW, I did put up with my sister for over 30y before I finally snapped!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do you forgive someone?

I have a family member who over decades has used me.

Every time I have been the one to offer the olive branch.

How many times do you be the 'bigger person'

Sorry I know this is not a'swinging topic' but I really need help and know that here I'll get it"

Issues like this are complicated and the circumstances are unique to our own individual situation.

I recognise the pain your obviously suffering. I myself have had and still having this sort of emotional trauma.

It eats away at you from within and basically makes you feel so unhappy and disappointed in life when life has to go on. I used to work in a place once where there were forever arguments and people falling out over things...the key phrase there was to be "politicaly correct", basically...cover your arse, don't let anyone have or give them something they can use against you.

Some people are inherently "not nice", as the saying goes..."friends you can choose, family your stuck with"! It is virtuous and good to be a bigger person even when you know your the one that has been wronged and derserve the appology and don't get it. As has been said already to you, you can only take so much before the time comes when enough is enough, door mats wear away in time and alot sooner for those that are used too often..savvy? Don't let this person consume your life..I can talk...I'm suffering in the same way at the mo...its not healthy...gets you down. Anyway, Merry Christmas and I hope a happy new year! x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You'll know when they over step the mark because it will no longer become an issue. My advice is to be civil but keep your distance.

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By *irtydanMan
over a year ago

Blackpool

"BTW, I did put up with my sister for over 30y before I finally snapped!

"
ive a sister like that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I forgave a member of my family for my whole life everytime she hurt me used me whatever I was the one to call her and say dont worry . . . . UNTIL she set out to cause pain to my kids then it was bye watch the door dont hit you on the arse on the way out.

Havent spoken to her for 4 years now and tbh wouldnt spit on her if she was on fire.

All because she hurt my kids.

Aqua hun no one can say what you have to do only you will know what is right for you but if you want an ear let me know

Shona

x x x "

I can understand where you're coming from. I endured the same thing - forgave a family member for hurt they caused me but then they turned their attention to my daughter...it wasn't going to happen. All I will say is police were called and this person was so evil turned up at my house in the middle of the night and tried to commit suicide on my doorstep on my sons birthday, who had died the year before.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you don’t forgive then how many problems with the rest of your family will it cause? Had a similar problem so I forgave but with conditions and watched him like a hawk.

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By *etillante OP Woman
over a year ago

Prob is other than me and her husband who is ill she got nobody

Does that make me a bitch?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do you forgive someone?

I have a family member who over decades has used me.

Every time I have been the one to offer the olive branch.

How many times do you be the 'bigger person'

Sorry I know this is not a'swinging topic' but I really need help and know that here I'll get it"

It's so difficult with family , I have experience of this too .

But the way I see it is just because someone is family does not give them an automatic 'get out of jail free card ' for behaving appallingly towards you .Some people are just toxic and if they bring nothing good in your life they are bad for you.

It sounds like there's a pattern of behaviour that has been established over time i.e they treat you badly, sit and wait for you to go over and offer forgiveness without them even asking. Would you put up with this if they were your a friend?

Perhaps you need to re-set the rules of your relationship with the person.Make it clear that the next time they treat you badly you will not be so forgiving.Actually saying it out loud to them might help YOU as well to finally break the pattern.I think the trick is following it through.

Good luck xxx

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By *oe_Steve_NWestCouple
over a year ago

Bolton

"Prob is other than me and her husband who is ill she got nobody

Does that make me a bitch?"

That really puts you in a terribly difficult position, but if she is treating you really badly and has done for a very long time then you need to think about yourself more and not her feelings all the time. I'd ask why she's bad with you, perhaps she's jealous? I wish you well as I know this isn't easy. Z xx

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

I think it depends on what the situation is.

My other half says I give too many chances but there was a situation with a family member that was unforgivable and was probably an icing on the cake thing and I look at that person a totally different way now.

I would still be polite if we were in the same room but I wouldn't go out of my way.

In your case you might feel more guilty of not speaking to them because of her situation. Whatever the sister is doing, maybe she doesn't realise how upset it is making you.

For me I would speak to her, tell her what it is that is upsetting you, and make it plain that if it carries on then you would have to leave her to it.

If it carries on after that then you have nothing to feel guilty about if you lose touch.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

For the best part of my life i put up with someone hurting me time and time again eventually it was making me too ill and i had to cut ties, this person has few other people. After about 5 years with very very little contact we are now speaking it will never be a "relationship" but i dont have any guilt now which i did for all my life when in fact it wasnt me

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

Its very difficult at times to forgive family but i think you do because they are precisely that!!! No matter how exaperating it can be!! I forgive but rarely forget.

With other people it depends on what they have done...what the damage limitations can be....most of the time i never forgive or forget

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By *etillante OP Woman
over a year ago

sorry bet that confused you, was from my joint profile

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I know here you comming from.

I put up with my sisters tears and temper tantrums for years if things didnt go her way or when the family didnt revole around her.

6 months ago after spends four days on hols with her and her moods i thought enough was enough and told her that if she couldnt be nice to family and friends and stop stamping her feet and throwing her toys out of pram when she didnt get her own way then i can no longer speak to her or be in the same room as her.

I told her she needed to grow up and act her age she didnt like it and has not spoke to me since

her loss

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Had the same with a "friend" i grew up with.

We have known each other since we were about 7 yrs old, but this woman has used and abused not only my friendship but others.

I finally came to my senses last year and said enough was enough.

We should be the best of mates knowing everything we do and i will always try and be the bigger person but no more.

And her loss as now, she has no one and grows old alone.

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