FabSwingers.com forum: Self-Confidence

By *he_original_polo OP Woman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Where does self-confidence come from?

I have read many times that people have found being on this site and the attention it brings has built their self-confidence. Whilst I appreciate the attention is somewhat flattering, is it really a solid foundation to build your confidence on?

For me personally, the preceding word of ‘self’ is the important bit. Confidence reliant on external input for support is a worrying thought….. What happens when that source has gone? Does it make people reliant on a website…. is that what is meant by ‘addicted’?

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

I am in control of 'my' self confidence, I own it and always will.

I lost it a bit a few years ago, I brought it back.

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By *un_JuiceCouple
over a year ago

Nr Chester

In an ideal world we'd all be able to hold our heads high with dignity and integrity.

Firm believer in the saying smile and the world smiles back.

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

I got my self confidence after expereincing quite a traumatic relationship where it pretty much left me with no confidence what so ever.. So I learnt to find things out that were nice about me and work on them. Which in turned built my confidence.

I do not come on this site for a boost.. Its nice to get messages saying how pretty I am etc however I am not one to come on here for an ego boost.. if any of that makes sense..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Before coming in here i will admit I somewhat lacked confidence and coming on here and the attention it brings as helped me and brought a smile to my face. But that could be because my bipolar is under control

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Being someone who has little self confidence, I do find this site has helped greatly to boost my confidence. It's a complicated subject to explain the hows and whys of one lacking in self confidence. It's large groups of people and new experiences that do my head in

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you readily click on here loaded with self-confidence i imagine the fun to be had boosts it further.

If others regard themselves lacking in it, upbeat messages and indeed successful fun meets will soon boost it.

Habitually clicking on here for the hell of it, may be the addicted part.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

From within.

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By *riendly foeWoman
over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814

I have read many times that people have found being on this site and the attention it brings has built their self-confidence. "

And it can deflate it in seconds.....

As View said.....You are in control of your own self confidence, others can boost it, but only you can control it..

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

Ive always had a strong character/personality but there have been events and situations in my life that have knocked it, sometimes for short periods, sometimes for much longer.

I do think there is a difference between being insecure and lacking confidence.

I wouldnt come on here looking for confidence, but thats because ive been around sites for over 13 years and no what it was like on the first site i went on. The second there is a new face appear the guys start fawning over them, no matter what they look like.

If i was popular with guys on here i think im level headed enough to know that any woman is going to be popular. Would the same guys chat the same women up if they saw them in a club on a saturday night?.

People can help build your confidence by helping you through the times when you take a knock but more from being friends and giving you good advice. Not by fawning over you and being sycophants. But ultimately the confidence has to come from within. People can tell you something a 100 times but you have to believe it yourself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mine has had a baseball bat taken to it in recent years. However, its coming back in spades as I've learned much through the process of reclaiming it and it wont be so easily lost again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think there's a difference between genuine confidence which is born from your knowledge that you can deal with a given situation - and bravado which is essentially kidding yourself that you can transfer one form of confidence to another, or that your ability with one circumstance will enable you to cope with another.

In that way people can get gain in their self esteem from comments on here, but quickly find it shattered from another - that's not confidence at all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have been lacking in self-confidence for many years thanks in part to a very personal issue but mostly due to continual ridicule and name calling throughout my life. My first time at Chameleons was a revelation, people chatted to me, no-one made me feel like the nasty name callers had done and whilst there was a snide comment made, I tried in my paranoia not to think it was necessarily about me and certainly not let it get me down. I came out of there with my head held high, plumping my feathers, so to speak. Since then I have continued with a 'don't care attitude' so for me, this has been the slap on the back that I needed.

Yes there are times when I feel incredibly down; I work shifts in a pub where I am continually made fun off but I don't retaliate (indeed I have rarely retaliated towards abusers throughout my life) not just because its not the done thing at work even though my boss said I should say something but also because I it would put me at the low level they are at.

I see your point about being reliant on external input for support but for someone that I see seems to exude self confidence, I understand why don't understand. Realistically, for me anyway, I just needed a kick in the pants, a boost if you like but it's a foundation I can build on in my own time with help if I need it from friends. And I continue to move forward in great strides by dressing nicely and sexily and not hiding in the back ground like I had done in the past. I now care about doing my hair nice and having it cut regularly; they may only be normal things to you but to me they are immense steps

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i like this site because i like sex and i like the company.

have been on here for about three years.

meeting men for sex doesnt make me feel more confident though, i dont see how it can.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"i like this site because i like sex and i like the company.

have been on here for about three years.

meeting men for sex doesnt make me feel more confident though, i dont see how it can.

The difference between the first time... and the next time... presumably there was confidence based on the first time?

Much of what is being discussed on here is I think self esteem - which can assist confidence, but I don't think is the same.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

I had parents that weren't very encouraging or supportive, so I learnt from a very early age to be my own cheerleader.

Having indifferent parents made me distrust anything anybody said, your own parents don't care so why should a biological stranger, right?!!

There are situations when praise, flattery whatever, does give me a warm, fuzzy glow. That said, I can't think of any situation, comment from anyone trying to get into my knickers that would boost my confidence in any shape or form!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What a great thread. Thanks Polo.

Confidence, self confidence, esteem, self esteem.

Are very different things.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

after meeting certain men at times, i think has made me feel a lot less confident actualy.

people are usualy nice to you when they want something, so why would that make you feel more confident.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Looking back, being sent to boarding school here when I was 14, and away from the grips of my controlling parents, was the turning point.

I learnt to be self-reliant, and in turn, I became more confident in my own abilities.

I built on that ever since, by gaining more knowledge and experience, in life and in my chosen vocation ever since.

I know I am good at my job, and I know I do not look like the back end of a bus.

I don't rely on external praises in order to feel good about myself. However, they are always appreciated, providing they are given freely without hidden agendas.

I believe there is some truth in the saying that, boarding school turns one into either a nervous wreck or an egomaniac.

I guess I belong to the latter camp!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"after meeting certain men at times, i think has made me feel a lot less confident actualy.

people are usualy nice to you when they want something, so why would that make you feel more confident.

Maybe if you can figure out why it could be the case that the same activity can lead to a decrease in your confidence you might understand how it could do the opposite!

As I said previously I don't see that that is confidence anyhow, other than the confidence gained to handle a similar situation - it is self esteem.

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been blagging it for years in some respects

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Where does self-confidence come from?

I lost mine for a while but I got it back with the help of a friend. He didn't do anything on purpose, it was just things he said and did that made me think/ feel things differently. I don't like attention so it's definitely not that for me. I like myself. I'm not fantastic but I don't think I'm horrible either. By that I mean me as a whole, not looks-wise.

Some people will like me and some won't. So for me I think it's more that I am a bit oblivious to what other people think of me. I'm just me.

Sites like this kind of do more to destroy self confidence than build it... in my opinion....

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Self confidence relies on the belief that one is able to accomplish certain tasks, is able to use a skill set of whatever kind - on the other hand self esteem (I know that was not the question but it kind of feeds into the topic) is about an innate belief in oneself and this is nurtured and supported by early (and later) life experience. The two are sometimes confused and a person can have self confidence but low self esteem, another can have good healthy self esteem but low confidence in their ability eg to speak another language or to drive a car.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I usually find mine in a glass (or two) of chardonnay.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I usually find mine in a glass (or two) of chardonnay."

It does tend to lurk in there.

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By *igerstyle2k2Man
over a year ago

Oxfordshire

Someone said that ladies on here get some self confidence from the attention they receive on here.

On the flipside, would/does your confidence take a knock if you don't receive a lot of attention or responses on here (such a single male on here)?

Just a thought.

Happy swinging!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what the hell is confidence, never had that b4.

Its so much easier for women to build their confidence up with attention. One photo even clean on a site like this or any social networking site and they will get tons of msgs.

Yes 99% will be after sex/photos/cam etc but at least you have those options, where as a guy puts a photo on any site and nothing. Well in my experience its nothing, we have to do all the chasing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

IMHO, FAB is not for those with low self esteem and confidence, as rejections would make it even worse for them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"IMHO, FAB is not for those with low self esteem and confidence, as rejections would make it even worse for them.

Yeah we get rejected everywhere we go.

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By *i 1 Get 1 FreeCouple (MM)
over a year ago

birmingham

Not sure how an anonymous forum can boost one's confidence.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"IMHO, FAB is not for those with low self esteem and confidence, as rejections would make it even worse for them.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

An interesting thread, thanks Polo.

I have a lot of confidence in my abilities, some of it gets boosted by learning new things and becoming confident in executing that new thing. That might come from here if it's something sexual/swingy.

My self-esteem is sometimes on a rollercoaster. My esteem wasn't high on the parenting agenda in my family. They had never had theirs nutured and lacked the skills and empathy to do anything about it. I'm a work in progress but the core I have been building is pretty solid.

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By *rT30Man
over a year ago

Munster

"IMHO, FAB is not for those with low self esteem and confidence, as rejections would make it even worse for them.

I have buckets of confidence and i will tell you that even at that its still not enough for the way some of the people on here treat people.

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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

I am generally a fairly confident person. I have my moments of self-doubt like anyone else but usually can bounce back from these - some sooner than others.

Don't know how or why I am self-confident. Just feels like I have always been - though I am sure I wasn't always like this.

And now I have totally confused myself! LOL

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By *UNCHBOXMan
over a year ago

folkestone

Go to a swinging club or party, and see how many people who appear confident there, have had a fair amount to drink because of a lack of confidence. Ive seen women at parties get completely sloshed because they are so nervous.

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By *aucy3Couple
over a year ago

glasgow

i'm thinking,self confidence/esteem cannot be solely reliant on external sources.if it is,your easily flattered,not self confident.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"i'm thinking,self confidence/esteem cannot be solely reliant on external sources.if it is,your easily flattered,not self confident.

so i've come to the conclusion,that although self confidence/esteem can be boosted externally.true self confidence must come from within,having the ability to withstand criticism,and unflattering comments,still intact."
A healthy self belief can cope with criticism and rejection, perceived or otherwise. I completely agree

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

With the risk of saying something controversial, I've been in the scene for nearly ten years now and I have found that swingers can be divided firmly into two camps: those who are happy and content in their lives and are looking for an added zing to their sex lives, and those who have had a pretty shit time of it and are seeking something they're not finding in their everyday lives.

Confidence is something you are born with, although at times it can be obscured by weighty problems that never seem to go away, but the difference between those who can analyse their problems and sort them out and those who let them fester is measured by how one's confidence in the face of adversity is strong enough to see them take positive action. Far too many times I've seen people in swinging for the wrong reasons, like it's some sort of emotional crutch they need just to function. I've met people who come across as confident but when you get to really know them they confess that away from swinging they revert back to the shrinking violet they've always been.

For me, I can stand up and call a spade a spade and take whatever follows on the chin if I have to. When it comes to sex, I have no qualms in letting someone know I fancy them as I figure that if I don't the possibility is that we'll both miss out, whereas if I do let that person know then only I'll miss out if it's not reciprocal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Go to a swinging club or party, and see how many people who appear confident there, have had a fair amount to drink because of a lack of confidence. Ive seen women at parties get completely sloshed because they are so nervous. "

How does that work at parties though? Those I have been to, alcohol is in abundance, annoying as some get too rough or cannot get hard which spoils it then

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"With the risk of saying something controversial, I've been in the scene for nearly ten years now and I have found that swingers can be divided firmly into two camps: those who are happy and content in their lives and are looking for an added zing to their sex lives, and those who have had a pretty shit time of it and are seeking something they're not finding in their everyday lives.

I don't think your comment is controversial; makes perfect sense

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

I think with some, they have been hurt and now carry that hurt and need to win against members of the sex that caused it. They think it is confidence.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

I'm quite confident. I never used to be. I have self doubt though but usually on a temporary basis.

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By *am123Man
over a year ago

essex chelmsford

Where does self-confidence come from?

"
wow great post polo, and an intelligent women is so sexy

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"IMHO, FAB is not for those with low self esteem and confidence, as rejections would make it even worse for them.

Agreed!

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"Not sure how an anonymous forum can boost one's confidence."

Haven't a clue either.

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden

Confidence and conceit or very different.

What one can derive from Fab Flattery™ is conceit where as confidence can only come from within.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Totally agree with op.

Self confidence comes from within, but I do empathise with those who don't have it. This place can give you a spring in your step with the compliments you get.But that is your ego not your confidence. Confidence is a state of mind as is sexy. If you think it, you portray it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Self confidence may come from within - confidence in your own ability to deal with something. But 'confidence' can come from all sorts of places - confidence in the quality of tools, materials, events, systems - and in other people.

For example if you have confidence that people might respond positively to you on these forums you're maybe more likely to post. On the other hand if you're confident in your own thoughts (or too arrogant to give a shit) the responses you receive may be meaningless to you.

I think one of the other comments was interesting that perhaps confidence is something we're born with. If so then I'd say that everyone is born with it - for some it remains strong, for others they need external factors (people or things) to help keep it strong (or help find it when it vanishes).

Now, having written all this I'm fairly confident most people don't give a shit

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

"...

Self confidence comes from within, but I do empathise with those who don't have it. "

I agree. Our self-confidence belongs and is within ourselves.

As such, the more we depend on others for our self-validation etc, the greater the risk that we are on less firm ground.

The more we know and accept ourselves, flaws and all, the less that the external world's opinion of us matters. If we have a dark, or what we _iew as unflattering side, that we try hard to keep at bay, then it's not a good recipe for being self accepting.

We're born as open canvases, not knowing ourselves, not having developed our personalities, beliefs, opinions and skills. I like to think of self-esteem and confidence as being skills, that we can develop - as with most habits, the more we do something, the better we usually get at it.

Self-esteem and self-confidence are different, but interlinked - ideally we all find our own ways in life to cultivate them and ourselves, so that we shine not just to ourselves, but to others too.

As others say, we go through good and bad times, and the knocks can hurt us but our relationships help keep us afloat and strong. I value the people that I'm close to more than anything else.

It's always nice when others, such as on Fab, find us attractive, but often people will see the superficial, rather than the deeper beauty that we each have inside of ourselves.

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By *he_original_polo OP Woman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Where does self-confidence come from?

wow great post polo, and an intelligent women is so sexy

Are you able to repeat that whilst I'm sitting on your face?

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By *ounggun432Man
over a year ago

east mids

Funny...I'm pretty confident and comfortable in my own skin in 'real-life' but can find myself wondering what's up with me on this site.

But then I chat with someone I hit it off with and its all good again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Where does self-confidence come from?

wow great post polo, and an intelligent women is so sexy

Are you able to repeat that whilst I'm sitting on your face?"

Why on earth would he want to, he's already flattered you enough to remove your knickers so what more needs to be said. Get lapping boy!!

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By *he_original_polo OP Woman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Why on earth would he want to, he's already flattered you enough to remove your knickers ......"

To secure the blow job.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why on earth would he want to, he's already flattered you enough to remove your knickers ......

To secure the blow job."

How fookin hard do you puff then?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have confidence issues, as we've discussed before, but I don't find the attention on here has built confidence for me as I take a lot of what is said to get a meet with a pinch of salt...not saying the guys I meet aren't attracted to me in some way but the overly enthused or gushy comments just make me cringe sometimes! Building confidence can be hard but sometimes external people can help or give support and great advice to point a person in the right direction to find that confidence within themselves...or at least a starting point!

My confidence issues aren't going to go away overnight, but I am working on them and am not allowing false flattery or, alternatively, abusive comments on here to affect it as these are the opinions of people that don't know me. When it comes to playing though I think I've always managed to play the role of someone with confidence, so I guess I just need to take that character on a bit more sometimes!

Not sure if that all makes sense and I've probably contradicted myself somewhere in it but I do believe confidence comes from within and we can choose whether to let others affect it or not...in the past I've let others damage it but I'm determined to fix it

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