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Living Apart Together

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester

The LAT (living apart together) movement is a growing group of people who have chosen to shed societies expectation that romantic couples should live together as a natural progression of their relationship.

Instead they choose to be together in meaningful and longterm romantic relationships, but without sharing a home.

How do you feel about that?

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
26 weeks ago

Leeds

It's great if it works for them.

Mrs

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago

My husband and I don't live together. He has always worked away when we first met and then we moved to France while he still worked in the UK so saw less if him. I'm now back in the UK and we probably see each other a couple of times a month. We have recently been on holiday together for a week and I see him more for things like Christmas and this long Easter weekend. Works really well for us but I know my parents certainly struggled with the concept.

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago

It’s that how it normally starts to start with anyway

As you both have your own homes to start with or still with parents or what ever

Then as things get serious yous sort off movie in to gether till there’s a there’s a certificate bween yous

What I mean by that is if I had to meet someone then I have my own home I wouldn’t be jumping to give it up incase it didn’t work out bween us

So I would probably stay there 3-5 days week and then stay at my place the other days stay at my place

As there is not a chance I am ending up homeless again if it doesn’t work out like last time

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"It’s that how it normally starts to start with anyway

As you both have your own homes to start with or still with parents or what ever

Then as things get serious yous sort off movie in to gether till there’s a there’s a certificate bween yous

What I mean by that is if I had to meet someone then I have my own home I wouldn’t be jumping to give it up incase it didn’t work out bween us

So I would probably stay there 3-5 days week and then stay at my place the other days stay at my place

As there is not a chance I am ending up homeless again if it doesn’t work out like last time "

The difference is that people who LAT specifically do not want to move in with their partner in the future.

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago


"It’s that how it normally starts to start with anyway

As you both have your own homes to start with or still with parents or what ever

Then as things get serious yous sort off movie in to gether till there’s a there’s a certificate bween yous

What I mean by that is if I had to meet someone then I have my own home I wouldn’t be jumping to give it up incase it didn’t work out bween us

So I would probably stay there 3-5 days week and then stay at my place the other days stay at my place

As there is not a chance I am ending up homeless again if it doesn’t work out like last time

The difference is that people who LAT specifically do not want to move in with their partner in the future."

Awww ok I mean if it works for people then who’s to say it’s wrong

There’s also a rise in couples not sleeping in the same bed as well like they only the couple but no children and they have a two bedroom house and each have they own rooms no some couples that do this as well

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"It’s that how it normally starts to start with anyway

As you both have your own homes to start with or still with parents or what ever

Then as things get serious yous sort off movie in to gether till there’s a there’s a certificate bween yous

What I mean by that is if I had to meet someone then I have my own home I wouldn’t be jumping to give it up incase it didn’t work out bween us

So I would probably stay there 3-5 days week and then stay at my place the other days stay at my place

As there is not a chance I am ending up homeless again if it doesn’t work out like last time

The difference is that people who LAT specifically do not want to move in with their partner in the future.

Awww ok I mean if it works for people then who’s to say it’s wrong

There’s also a rise in couples not sleeping in the same bed as well like they only the couple but no children and they have a two bedroom house and each have they own rooms no some couples that do this as well "

I did this in my previous relationship (we lived together for a decade) because he was always flying out early for work and I did shift work.

It worked really well because when you invited your partner to share your bed it meant you actually really wanted them there and it felt more special.

But now I’m committed to LAT and don’t intend to share my home with a romantic partner in the future.

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By *ellinever70Woman
26 weeks ago

Ayrshire

I think it will best suit those who can afford it

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago


"It’s that how it normally starts to start with anyway

As you both have your own homes to start with or still with parents or what ever

Then as things get serious yous sort off movie in to gether till there’s a there’s a certificate bween yous

What I mean by that is if I had to meet someone then I have my own home I wouldn’t be jumping to give it up incase it didn’t work out bween us

So I would probably stay there 3-5 days week and then stay at my place the other days stay at my place

As there is not a chance I am ending up homeless again if it doesn’t work out like last time

The difference is that people who LAT specifically do not want to move in with their partner in the future.

Awww ok I mean if it works for people then who’s to say it’s wrong

There’s also a rise in couples not sleeping in the same bed as well like they only the couple but no children and they have a two bedroom house and each have they own rooms no some couples that do this as well

I did this in my previous relationship (we lived together for a decade) because he was always flying out early for work and I did shift work.

It worked really well because when you invited your partner to share your bed it meant you actually really wanted them there and it felt more special.

But now I’m committed to LAT and don’t intend to share my home with a romantic partner in the future."

Awww that’s nice and if it works for you then why not

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By *utecontradictionMan
26 weeks ago

Malvern

For many couples I have always said that the slow decline begins when they move in together. I think the ideal would be living next door to each other. Independence for me and many is a thing we no longer wish to relinquish.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"I think it will best suit those who can afford it"

Sadly our economy wasn’t really made for people living alone but I guess we just haven to cope!

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago

I can see the appeal of it but I don't think you truly know a person until you live with them so people might be loving a version of someone rather than the full person they are.

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago

Cant think of anything worse than living with someone again ... would have to be an acceptionally special person and a big enough house for me to have space for myself.

The fantasy is you'll be able to have sex every day ..... reality is you bicker over whose turn it is to put the bins out and the thermostat and sex becomes mundane.

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago

Sounds like a big take away bill every week to me

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago


"The LAT (living apart together) movement is a growing group of people who have chosen to shed societies expectation that romantic couples should live together as a natural progression of their relationship.

Instead they choose to be together in meaningful and longterm romantic relationships, but without sharing a home.

How do you feel about that?"

Sounds great. If it works, do it.

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By *utecontradictionMan
26 weeks ago

Malvern


"Cant think of anything worse than living with someone again ... would have to be an acceptionally special person and a big enough house for me to have space for myself.

The fantasy is you'll be able to have sex every day ..... reality is you bicker over whose turn it is to put the bins out and the thermostat and sex becomes mundane. "

Now come along...there is no dispute over the thermostat. That's a man's domain. Its why builders put them that height on the wall. And as for the bins....that's definitely a blue job.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"Sounds like a big take away bill every week to me"

Why would there be a big takeaway bill?

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By *agnar73Man
26 weeks ago

Glasgow

Interesting but a lot of the financial set up in uk is based on couples living together at same address.

Would both claim to be living alone for council tax and things like that but together for other purposes?

How’s it work with kids involved?

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago


"Sounds like a big take away bill every week to me

Why would there be a big takeaway bill?"

No cooking for eatch other so easier to bell just eat

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"Interesting but a lot of the financial set up in uk is based on couples living together at same address.

Would both claim to be living alone for council tax and things like that but together for other purposes?

How’s it work with kids involved?"

If only one adult lives in a home you get a council tax discount. They don’t care how many people you’re dating as long as they don’t live with you.

Two of my friends LAT with kids. They have space in each home and choose where they want to spend their time. My friends spend a lot of time with each other on evenings and weekends so it’s not that different to LTT couple.

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By *aseylee324Couple
26 weeks ago

Valley of Squinting Windows

We don't live together due to various responsibilities, it suits us very well, however the likelihood is that we eventually will for financial and ageing reasons after retirement, might precipitate a rapid end to the relationship

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"Sounds like a big take away bill every week to me

Why would there be a big takeaway bill?

No cooking for eatch other so easier to bell just eat"

I live on my own and cook pretty much all my meals from scratch. It’s easier to cook for just you - you don’t have to consider what any other people want to eat.

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago


"Sounds like a big take away bill every week to me

Why would there be a big takeaway bill?

No cooking for eatch other so easier to bell just eat

I live on my own and cook pretty much all my meals from scratch. It’s easier to cook for just you - you don’t have to consider what any other people want to eat."

Well very tru ill retract my statement if I'm aloud haha

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By *agnar73Man
26 weeks ago

Glasgow


"Interesting but a lot of the financial set up in uk is based on couples living together at same address.

Would both claim to be living alone for council tax and things like that but together for other purposes?

How’s it work with kids involved?

If only one adult lives in a home you get a council tax discount. They don’t care how many people you’re dating as long as they don’t live with you.

Two of my friends LAT with kids. They have space in each home and choose where they want to spend their time. My friends spend a lot of time with each other on evenings and weekends so it’s not that different to LTT couple."

Thanks.

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago


"

The fantasy is you'll be able to have sex every day ..... reality is you bicker over whose turn it is to put the bins out and the thermostat and sex becomes mundane.

Now come along...there is no dispute over the thermostat. That's a man's domain. Its why builders put them that height on the wall. And as for the bins....that's definitely a blue job. "

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago

I don’t get why we have to have a ‘movement’ for this. What works for some might not work for others. Why do people have to Raleigh around trying to force their ideals in to others to try to convince that that’s how it should be done.

I’m not convinced marriage is perfect. But I did it, and I look and admire others that are making a symbolic promise to commit. Each to their own op.

But, distance isn’t an issue for a strong relationship. Communication and understanding/respect/support makes you feel closer than ever. You don’t need to live under the same roof.

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By *aseylee324Couple
26 weeks ago

Valley of Squinting Windows


"I don’t get why we have to have a ‘movement’ for this. What works for some might not work for others. Why do people have to Raleigh around trying to force their ideals in to others to try to convince that that’s how it should be done.

I’m not convinced marriage is perfect. But I did it, and I look and admire others that are making a symbolic promise to commit. Each to their own op.

But, distance isn’t an issue for a strong relationship. Communication and understanding/respect/support makes you feel closer than ever. You don’t need to live under the same roof. "

I agree with this, people should just live their lives as they please, so long it's not hurting anyone. We don't need anyone else's approval.

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By *ony MannMan
26 weeks ago

Wallop

I have a relationship with a woman on here. We do not live together. When I can I am with her, when I can we both have other partners, and we share them when we are together.

Would I like to live closer, yes. Would we move in, probably not. Would we do more together, yes.

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By *eyond PurityCouple
26 weeks ago

Lincolnshire

We were a LAT couple for quite a few years - child purposes and not wanting them to change schools at vital times.

Whilst we were together some evenings, other times we were apart but it felt like we were together too. We would watch a film together apart and play games together apart.

Our relationship worked because we both wanted it to.

We moved in together before Christmas and our relationship is no different - we just don’t have to condense as much sex in now

K

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
26 weeks ago

Cheeseville, Somerset


"I don’t get why we have to have a ‘movement’ for this. What works for some might not work for others. Why do people have to Raleigh around trying to force their ideals in to others to try to convince that that’s how it should be done.

I’m not convinced marriage is perfect. But I did it, and I look and admire others that are making a symbolic promise to commit. Each to their own op.

But, distance isn’t an issue for a strong relationship. Communication and understanding/respect/support makes you feel closer than ever. You don’t need to live under the same roof.

I agree with this, people should just live their lives as they please, so long it's not hurting anyone. We don't need anyone else's approval."

I don't think anyone is trying to force anyone to do anything. I guess the term 'movement' is interpreted differently by different people.

To me it's just a positive message that it's an idea that will work for some, rather than a 'this is what people should be doing' statement.

People who split and have kids generally do it with no problems. Why shouldn't people in happy relationships?

Having your own personal space is important. As someone in a long distance relationship it works great.

Of course there's no financial savings that could be achieved by cohabiting, but single people have to manage on their own and of course should a relationship where you live apart ends.....its a whole lot less messy with no worry about who stays, who goes and splitting possessions.

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By *rpeggioCouple
26 weeks ago

Baughurst

It's great because society should not have an expectation of a one size fits all approach. Like most things in life, living together or apart has pros and cons in the relationship and in life practicalities. It's great if Couples are able to figure out and choose the model that suits them better. No one should judge us if we prefer to live together or apart.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
26 weeks ago

East Sussex

I think it's a great idea for some people. It removes the day to day annoyances that dog some relationships and is a great set up for people who've lived alone for a long time before entering into a relationship.

A good friend of mine is in a LAT relationship and it suits her extremely well.

One of the pitfalls is the cost of running two households though

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"

One of the pitfalls is the cost of running two households though"

I always think of living alone as being the true cost of living benchmark, and if people *choose* to live together then they effectively get a discount.

I could easily have a housemate or lodger as a single person and get a similar discount if I wanted to.

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By *sWyldWoman
26 weeks ago

Edinburgh

Despite being the hopeless romantic searching for happy ever after, I really see the appeal of this.

Maybe it's insecurity, maybe it's just the stage of life I'm at, maybe it's because I need my own space but I don't think I really want to live with another man.

I want to love and be loved, I want adventures, memories and blissful moments. I want the mundane of wandering round the supermarket together even. However I don't see the need to live together.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"Despite being the hopeless romantic searching for happy ever after, I really see the appeal of this.

Maybe it's insecurity, maybe it's just the stage of life I'm at, maybe it's because I need my own space but I don't think I really want to live with another man.

I want to love and be loved, I want adventures, memories and blissful moments. I want the mundane of wandering round the supermarket together even. However I don't see the need to live together. "

And when you drop the need for you to have compatible views about living together, you actually have the freedom to date and be with a wider range of people.

It doesn’t matter if we have compatible views on finances, career progression, house buying, gardening, decor, metal load, chores, or how much of my house is devoted to books (at least 70%) because we are never going to be combining homes.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
26 weeks ago

little house on the praire

My late partner and I where together 16 years and never lived together.

Worked perfectly for us

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By *alandNitaCouple
26 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

I know two long term very happy couples who live this way. In one case they live almost next door to each other.

I think couples should live however it works best for them.

Nita

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By *icolerobbieCouple
26 weeks ago

walsall


"The LAT (living apart together) movement is a growing group of people who have chosen to shed societies expectation that romantic couples should live together as a natural progression of their relationship.

Instead they choose to be together in meaningful and longterm romantic relationships, but without sharing a home.

How do you feel about that?"

To each their own. Sounds like they’re not prepared to fully commit to each other and that’s fine. Not everyone wants to live the happy family life, but rather keep their independence.

Are the followers of this movement predominantly monogamous?

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By *ittleMissCali_MrDJCouple
26 weeks ago

wonderland.

I always thought that in the unlikely event that I met someone I wanted to be in a LTRR with that I'd want separate houses as I like my own space.

Met Mr and omg I hate not living together yet... we are having to live separately just now but looking to sort that.

I don't think it needs a movement and certainly wouldn't be cost effective x but if it works for people then all good xz

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By *heGateKeeperMan
26 weeks ago

Stratford


"The LAT (living apart together) movement is a growing group of people who have chosen to shed societies expectation that romantic couples should live together as a natural progression of their relationship.

Instead they choose to be together in meaningful and longterm romantic relationships, but without sharing a home.

How do you feel about that?

To each their own. Sounds like they’re not prepared to fully commit to each other and that’s fine. Not everyone wants to live the happy family life, but rather keep their independence.

Are the followers of this movement predominantly monogamous?"

Interesting that the idea of not wanting to live together presents the image to some of not wanting to commit. I’d imagine there are many more day to day ‘things’ that demonstrate a commitment (or lack of) more so than living arrangements.

Personally I love my own space and it would take A LOT to give that up. My own space makes me happy, which means everyone around me gets the best version of me as a result. I’d rather that than have to compromise and give the world 2/3 of me personally

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By *a LunaWoman
26 weeks ago

South


" How do you feel about that?"

Honestly. This would be my idea of heaven. Ideally they would be close enough to see regularly though. But not everyday necessarily.

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By *ea monkeyMan
26 weeks ago

Manchester (he/him)

Personally I couldn’t care less about how others manage their relationships, so long as it’s not an abusive dynamic and it’s what they both want, then that’s a positive thing.

For some though I’m sure that they will feel unsettled or insecure about not being on the relationship escalator

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"T

Are the followers of this movement predominantly monogamous?"

I have friends who LAT who are a mix of monogamous and non-monogamous.

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago

I can certainly see the appeal and I think it’s something that I’d want however as others have already pointed out it’s financially going to be tough.

I’ve got a decent deposit for a property and when I was looking a few years ago it was proving to be a struggle to make ends meet on my own.

I’m fortunate enough that I didn’t get my own place as the cost of living crisis would have put me under water long ago. Absolutely wild to think that me not owning my own property was dodging a bullet.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"

I don't think it needs a movement "

A movement is really just a group of people who are doing the same thing for common reasons, usually for political reasons.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"I can certainly see the appeal and I think it’s something that I’d want however as others have already pointed out it’s financially going to be tough.

I’ve got a decent deposit for a property and when I was looking a few years ago it was proving to be a struggle to make ends meet on my own.

I’m fortunate enough that I didn’t get my own place as the cost of living crisis would have put me under water long ago. Absolutely wild to think that me not owning my own property was dodging a bullet. "

I'm fortunate enough that owning my own property works out about the same as renting. So I'm not losing anything on that front.

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By *icolerobbieCouple
26 weeks ago

walsall


"T

Are the followers of this movement predominantly monogamous?

I have friends who LAT who are a mix of monogamous and non-monogamous."

It would certainly suit the non monogamous lifestyle.

I know some people who live like this through circumstance, but they are over 50 and have previously been married and separated. They’ve been through the expensive divorce process and vow never to cohabit or marry again.

I wonder how many young people starting out with relationships see this as their preferred choice?

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By *rHotNottsMan
26 weeks ago

Dubai & Nottingham

It’s not for me , I want someone to pay half the gas and wake me up with a blow job

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By *alcon77Man
26 weeks ago

under the sun & the moon

Next door neighbours. That would be ideal.

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By *midnight-Woman
26 weeks ago

...

My friends do this, but it's more because neither likes the other's house

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By *ML49Man
26 weeks ago

Burnley


"The LAT (living apart together) movement is a growing group of people who have chosen to shed societies expectation that romantic couples should live together as a natural progression of their relationship.

Instead they choose to be together in meaningful and longterm romantic relationships, but without sharing a home.

How do you feel about that?"

It starts like this anyway. However to add a little more to this. What if a couple lived with one another, started to have relationship problems, have children, one or the parents moved out but then continued to be a partnership. Do you think that would work considering they had problems to begin with.

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By *esparate danMan
26 weeks ago

glasgow


"

I don't think it needs a movement

A movement is really just a group of people who are doing the same thing for common reasons, usually for political reasons."

Is it this or do they just share the same experience of being hurt previously and are now cautious about which basket they put their (easter) eggs in

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By *atricia ParnelWoman
26 weeks ago

In a town full of colours

Yes

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By *ansoffateMan
26 weeks ago

Sagittarius A

In reality you're always leaving something important at theirs or vice versa.

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By *rHotNottsMan
26 weeks ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"

I don't think it needs a movement

A movement is really just a group of people who are doing the same thing for common reasons, usually for political reasons.

Is it this or do they just share the same experience of being hurt previously and are now cautious about which basket they put their (easter) eggs in"

It’s not a movement or a community , Most people in it would not even know they are in it or that has a name.

It’s no more real than the living together community, gay community, the working class community , the black community or the white community. It’s all made up by people needing attention

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"T

Are the followers of this movement predominantly monogamous?

I have friends who LAT who are a mix of monogamous and non-monogamous.

It would certainly suit the non monogamous lifestyle.

I know some people who live like this through circumstance, but they are over 50 and have previously been married and separated. They’ve been through the expensive divorce process and vow never to cohabit or marry again.

I wonder how many young people starting out with relationships see this as their preferred choice?

"

In a women's group I'm in, whenever the subject is raised there are many monogamous people who express a preference for LAT, or who are already doing it.

I don't know that living apart suits non-monogamy - most of the non-monogamous couples I know live together together so I don't think that's a deciding factor.

I think the deciding factor for many will be if you like your own space and don't want to compromise. And for many women, as I learned in my women's group I'm in, the decision was made because they simply don't want another man in their space again (or for the first time).

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"

I don't think it needs a movement

A movement is really just a group of people who are doing the same thing for common reasons, usually for political reasons.

Is it this or do they just share the same experience of being hurt previously and are now cautious about which basket they put their (easter) eggs in

It’s not a movement or a community , Most people in it would not even know they are in it or that has a name.

It’s no more real than the living together community, gay community, the working class community , the black community or the white community. It’s all made up by people needing attention

"

I think that the gay community, the black community, and other similar marginalised/minority groups are/can be communities.

I think it's quite narrow minded to not think that is the case (and usually only thought to not exist by people who would never be a part of them).

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"

I don't think it needs a movement

A movement is really just a group of people who are doing the same thing for common reasons, usually for political reasons.

Is it this or do they just share the same experience of being hurt previously and are now cautious about which basket they put their (easter) eggs in"

For me it's not about being hurt, it's about valuing my independence and not wishing to combine my life/finances/possessions in that way with another person.

As I said up thread, I have no desire to compromise on any of my values, and that would be required if I were to move in with someone.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"The LAT (living apart together) movement is a growing group of people who have chosen to shed societies expectation that romantic couples should live together as a natural progression of their relationship.

Instead they choose to be together in meaningful and longterm romantic relationships, but without sharing a home.

How do you feel about that?

It starts like this anyway. However to add a little more to this. What if a couple lived with one another, started to have relationship problems, have children, one or the parents moved out but then continued to be a partnership. Do you think that would work considering they had problems to begin with."

Many people who LAT started by LTT and then moving out. Several women I know asked for separate houses because their male partners did not take on their share of the mental/physical/childcare load, and so they decided that they were better off living alone. It didn't mean they no longer loved their partner and it didn't mean they didn't want to be with them anymore, they simply didn't want to share living spaces with them anymore.

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By *verageman81Man
26 weeks ago

lerwick

And they wonder why there is such a housing list for people.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"And they wonder why there is such a housing list for people. "

I'm not sure what you mean. Perhaps you could explain?

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
26 weeks ago

Cheeseville, Somerset


"And they wonder why there is such a housing list for people. "

Because council stock was sold off and the money not reinvested in new housing.

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By *ebaucherous_duoCouple
26 weeks ago

Bristol/ Daventry


"We don't live together due to various responsibilities, it suits us very well, however the likelihood is that we eventually will for financial and ageing reasons after retirement, might precipitate a rapid end to the relationship "

We’re like this. No rush at all to move in and love our setup. We’ll move in together only in two instances age and retirement for the companionship/care, or a house big enough to effectively be two so we can have our own space, bathrooms bedrooms, offices etc. and a cleaner. That’s a non-negotiable.

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By *verageman81Man
26 weeks ago

lerwick


"And they wonder why there is such a housing list for people.

I'm not sure what you mean. Perhaps you could explain?"

Up here people are desperate for housing and if families decide they need 2 houses its a bit poor. If you are together surely living togetheris best to allow other poor souls who are desperate for accommodation to get housed.

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By *icolerobbieCouple
26 weeks ago

walsall


"T

Are the followers of this movement predominantly monogamous?

I have friends who LAT who are a mix of monogamous and non-monogamous.

It would certainly suit the non monogamous lifestyle.

I know some people who live like this through circumstance, but they are over 50 and have previously been married and separated. They’ve been through the expensive divorce process and vow never to cohabit or marry again.

I wonder how many young people starting out with relationships see this as their preferred choice?

In a women's group I'm in, whenever the subject is raised there are many monogamous people who express a preference for LAT, or who are already doing it.

I don't know that living apart suits non-monogamy - most of the non-monogamous couples I know live together together so I don't think that's a deciding factor.

I think the deciding factor for many will be if you like your own space and don't want to compromise. And for many women, as I learned in my women's group I'm in, the decision was made because they simply don't want another man in their space again (or for the first time)."

It seems it’s more female led in your women’s group? I wonder do the men feel the same? Not wanting women in their space.

Maybe they’re happy that way, as they have their financial independence, their own taste in furniture and run their own house the way they see fit. No tidying up after someone else.

How much time do they actually spend together?

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
26 weeks ago

Carlisle usually

I don't ever intend to live with another human in a romantic relationship.

I'd maybe have a housemate. But I certainly don't want someone I should actively want around to become a fixture or a matter of convenience.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"And they wonder why there is such a housing list for people.

I'm not sure what you mean. Perhaps you could explain?

Up here people are desperate for housing and if families decide they need 2 houses its a bit poor. If you are together surely living togetheris best to allow other poor souls who are desperate for accommodation to get housed."

1. I assume you're talking about council housing? I don't actually know anyone who lives in council housing other than a few neighbors (I live on a council estate that's half privately owned these days because of aforementioned governments selling off housing stock). Everyone I know in person who LAT bought their own house or rents privately.

2. I don't see why I should work hard and earn money only to be miserable by making it my quest to find someone that I might be able to tolerate moving in with.

3. Are you going to restrict all housing to two or more adults? No single occupancy at all? Everyone must have a roommate? Or is it just couples who don't want to move in together that you have beef with?

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By *asterR and slut mayaMan
26 weeks ago

Bradford

Been there got the tshirt

Have prefered to live separately

Each having their own space but spending plenty of time together and staying over for different period s of time .but with my new love want to spend all my time with her would marry her tomorrow if it was possible and live the rest of my life with her.

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By *verageman81Man
26 weeks ago

lerwick


"And they wonder why there is such a housing list for people.

I'm not sure what you mean. Perhaps you could explain?

Up here people are desperate for housing and if families decide they need 2 houses its a bit poor. If you are together surely living togetheris best to allow other poor souls who are desperate for accommodation to get housed.

1. I assume you're talking about council housing? I don't actually know anyone who lives in council housing other than a few neighbors (I live on a council estate that's half privately owned these days because of aforementioned governments selling off housing stock). Everyone I know in person who LAT bought their own house or rents privately.

2. I don't see why I should work hard and earn money only to be miserable by making it my quest to find someone that I might be able to tolerate moving in with.

3. Are you going to restrict all housing to two or more adults? No single occupancy at all? Everyone must have a roommate? Or is it just couples who don't want to move in together that you have beef with?"

Everyone is entitled to an opinion I get what your saying but I personally find it very selfish

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"And they wonder why there is such a housing list for people.

I'm not sure what you mean. Perhaps you could explain?

Up here people are desperate for housing and if families decide they need 2 houses its a bit poor. If you are together surely living togetheris best to allow other poor souls who are desperate for accommodation to get housed.

1. I assume you're talking about council housing? I don't actually know anyone who lives in council housing other than a few neighbors (I live on a council estate that's half privately owned these days because of aforementioned governments selling off housing stock). Everyone I know in person who LAT bought their own house or rents privately.

2. I don't see why I should work hard and earn money only to be miserable by making it my quest to find someone that I might be able to tolerate moving in with.

3. Are you going to restrict all housing to two or more adults? No single occupancy at all? Everyone must have a roommate? Or is it just couples who don't want to move in together that you have beef with?

Everyone is entitled to an opinion I get what your saying but I personally find it very selfish "

Do you also find single people selfish?

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By *verageman81Man
26 weeks ago

lerwick

No they are single lol if your happy to share a bed why not a home??

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"No they are single lol if your happy to share a bed why not a home?? "

I'm happy to share a bed with plenty of men on here, it doesn't mean I want them to move in with me.

Why are two people who are single and own their own homes not selfish, but two people who love someone else romantically and own their own homes suddenly single?

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By *verageman81Man
26 weeks ago

lerwick

I am meaning people in meaningful relationships not just fbs

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By *ora the explorerWoman
26 weeks ago

Paradise, Herts

If it works good on them. It wouldn’t have been for me. I could definitely do that now if I was interested in a relationship but not when our children were growing up. Definitely not.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
26 weeks ago

Carlisle usually


"No they are single lol if your happy to share a bed why not a home?? "

...Because my home is my home and I don't enjoy the thought of sharing it with anyone?

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
26 weeks ago

Cheeseville, Somerset


"I am meaning people in meaningful relationships not just fbs "

What about people who split then?

It's hard enough to find single occupancy accommodation as it is, let alone at short notice. Living separately whilst in a relationship negates the risk of that.

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By *rHotNottsMan
26 weeks ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"

I don't think it needs a movement

A movement is really just a group of people who are doing the same thing for common reasons, usually for political reasons.

Is it this or do they just share the same experience of being hurt previously and are now cautious about which basket they put their (easter) eggs in

It’s not a movement or a community , Most people in it would not even know they are in it or that has a name.

It’s no more real than the living together community, gay community, the working class community , the black community or the white community. It’s all made up by people needing attention

I think that the gay community, the black community, and other similar marginalised/minority groups are/can be communities.

I think it's quite narrow minded to not think that is the case (and usually only thought to not exist by people who would never be a part of them)."

It’s been proven they don't exist in reality.

Narrowminded is assuming that because people share the same colour skin or sexual orientation they therefore have a whole set of things in common such as politics and ideologies and beliefs

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By *an1978Woman
26 weeks ago

GONE/TIMEOUT (No DMs please)

I've done it before, and if I could have my time again, would do it again.

I know a few couples my age that do this.

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By *verageman81Man
26 weeks ago

lerwick

Wow I am shocked at people on here! Time to leave and find people who actually care about humanity.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"Wow I am shocked at people on here! Time to leave and find people who actually care about humanity."

You think people don't care about humanity because they don't want to compromise on their own happiness because the government sold off council houses?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
26 weeks ago

East Sussex


"Wow I am shocked at people on here! Time to leave and find people who actually care about humanity."

Don't look in Westminster then...

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
26 weeks ago

Carlisle usually


"Wow I am shocked at people on here! Time to leave and find people who actually care about humanity."

So... I should be miserable with my home situation for the sake of freeing up property homeless people can't afford to buy anyway?

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land

Personally I think it sounds a little selfish in a no compromising sort of way which to me is an inevitable part of making a long term relationship work but different strokes for different folks. If it works for people then good for them.

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By *icolerobbieCouple
26 weeks ago

walsall


"Wow I am shocked at people on here! Time to leave and find people who actually care about humanity.

So... I should be miserable with my home situation for the sake of freeing up property homeless people can't afford to buy anyway?"

It is certainly an expensive way to live, but if people can afford two houses and the associated costs that go with that lifestyle choice then good for them. Of course there will be social justice warriors who will accuse them of depriving the poor of housing by tying up housing stock.

The truth is they don’t know what houses their speaking of, they may be one bedroomed flats for all we know.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
26 weeks ago

Carlisle usually


"

Personally I think it sounds a little selfish in a no compromising sort of way which to me is an inevitable part of making a long term relationship work but different strokes for different folks. If it works for people then good for them.

"

... But why is it selfish to you?

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago

Moving in..worst thing ever.

One is not marrying..

Two youvlive there I live here can still have a great time

No need for living together.

Swinging means what

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By *stwo2023Couple
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"Wow I am shocked at people on here! Time to leave and find people who actually care about humanity."

How is making a relationship work in a way that suits both parties bad for humanity?

Evie

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago

Exactly ..

Each to our own

Who says we have to be told how we live our lives.

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By *stwo2023Couple
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"No they are single lol if your happy to share a bed why not a home?? "

So you are never in a relationship until you move in with someone? Any time you live alone but see the same person exclusively, or sharing each other within agreed boundaries etc, you can't possibly be in a relationship?

Evie

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago


"Wow I am shocked at people on here! Time to leave and find people who actually care about humanity.

Don't look in Westminster then..."

all in bed with other in one house

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"

Personally I think it sounds a little selfish in a no compromising sort of way which to me is an inevitable part of making a long term relationship work but different strokes for different folks. If it works for people then good for them.

"

Surely the best relationship is one where you find such a great match that you don’t have to do any compromising?

We’re sold a myth that all good relationships involve compromise and it’s simply not true.

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"

Personally I think it sounds a little selfish in a no compromising sort of way which to me is an inevitable part of making a long term relationship work but different strokes for different folks. If it works for people then good for them.

Surely the best relationship is one where you find such a great match that you don’t have to do any compromising?

We’re sold a myth that all good relationships involve compromise and it’s simply not true."

Nonsense.

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land

Point being that if you're not doing the compromising, inevitably they are.

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
26 weeks ago

Cheeseville, Somerset


"Point being that if you're not doing the compromising, inevitably they are.

"

There's healthy compromise and unhealthy compromise though.

Some things are trivial.

One party in a relationship selling their house/flat because they're expected to move in with a partner is more complex.

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
26 weeks ago

BRIDPORT


"Point being that if you're not doing the compromising, inevitably they are.

"

That’s the beauty of living separately relationships, you have the time and space to do your own things when there are differences, without either one of you being compromised aswell as enjoying things together. Win win.

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"Point being that if you're not doing the compromising, inevitably they are.

That’s the beauty of living separately relationships, you have the time and space to do your own things when there are differences, without either one of you being compromised aswell as enjoying things together. Win win. "

Otherwise known as being single.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
26 weeks ago

Carlisle usually


"Point being that if you're not doing the compromising, inevitably they are.

That’s the beauty of living separately relationships, you have the time and space to do your own things when there are differences, without either one of you being compromised aswell as enjoying things together. Win win.

Otherwise known as being single."

If being single is what we call having actual autonomy and choice these days, hooray for being single

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By *entBarryUKMan
26 weeks ago

Ashford

If it works, who cares what others think. Everyone needs their space sometimes.

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
26 weeks ago

BRIDPORT


"Point being that if you're not doing the compromising, inevitably they are.

That’s the beauty of living separately relationships, you have the time and space to do your own things when there are differences, without either one of you being compromised aswell as enjoying things together. Win win.

Otherwise known as being sensible ."

Fixed that for ya

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"Point being that if you're not doing the compromising, inevitably they are.

That’s the beauty of living separately relationships, you have the time and space to do your own things when there are differences, without either one of you being compromised aswell as enjoying things together. Win win.

Otherwise known as being single.

If being single is what we call having actual autonomy and choice these days, hooray for being single "

Can't find the shrug emoji

Fabswingers has become Fabsingles.

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By *edeWoman
26 weeks ago

the abyss

I think part of the change may also come from the increase of other relationship dynamics such as Poly.

I think as long as everyone is happy, what does it matter? Some people need that time and connection together more than others.

For me it's just plain easier so I can easily slide into my crazy old spinster era without the hassle of moving anyone's stuff

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
26 weeks ago

Carlisle usually


"Point being that if you're not doing the compromising, inevitably they are.

That’s the beauty of living separately relationships, you have the time and space to do your own things when there are differences, without either one of you being compromised aswell as enjoying things together. Win win.

Otherwise known as being single.

If being single is what we call having actual autonomy and choice these days, hooray for being single

Can't find the shrug emoji

Fabswingers has become Fabsingles."

I mean, I don't consider myself actually single. But sure

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By *undee2Man
26 weeks ago

Dundee


"Instead they choose to be together in meaningful and longterm romantic relationships, but without sharing a home.

How do you feel about that?"

Is this a rehash of the Angela Raynor thread

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By *naswingdressWoman
26 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)

I think it's great that people can live in the way that they choose, and get less pushback for doing so.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"Point being that if you're not doing the compromising, inevitably they are.

That’s the beauty of living separately relationships, you have the time and space to do your own things when there are differences, without either one of you being compromised aswell as enjoying things together. Win win.

Otherwise known as being single."

I'm enjoying being single in my nine year loving relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago

Been with my partner for five years, we live together, but have always had separate bedrooms from day 1. We've tried co-sleeping, and it just doesn't work for us. I've brought up living seperately, but she's not liking the idea (I think because I'm her mother/maid and do all the cooking, cleaning, and finances hahaha). I love having my own space, but get horrifically depressed when alone for too long. So I think living apart but nearby would be wonderful, and I'd probably look after myself better than I do now if I wasn't also looking after the other person

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By (user no longer on site)
26 weeks ago

Hi me and my hubby live separately and it works very well , only 7 miles apart but we have our own freedom.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"Point being that if you're not doing the compromising, inevitably they are.

That’s the beauty of living separately relationships, you have the time and space to do your own things when there are differences, without either one of you being compromised aswell as enjoying things together. Win win.

Otherwise known as being single.

If being single is what we call having actual autonomy and choice these days, hooray for being single

Can't find the shrug emoji

Fabswingers has become Fabsingles."

Fabswingers has always had lots of singles on it.

It's also always had lots of ethically-non monogamous people on it, and lots of couples who always play separately, and lots of people who play with the consent of their partner (but their partner doesn't play).

I've been swinging for about fifteen years or more now. It's not changed substantially in that time. Except more couples are getting the arse about people who they don't want to meet enjoying the same lifestyle.

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By *stwo2023Couple
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"Point being that if you're not doing the compromising, inevitably they are.

That’s the beauty of living separately relationships, you have the time and space to do your own things when there are differences, without either one of you being compromised aswell as enjoying things together. Win win.

Otherwise known as being single.

If being single is what we call having actual autonomy and choice these days, hooray for being single

Can't find the shrug emoji

Fabswingers has become Fabsingles."

You'd best leave then seeing as you're a couple.....oh wait, there's space for everyone in this lifestyle

Evie

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By *naswingdressWoman
26 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)


"Point being that if you're not doing the compromising, inevitably they are.

That’s the beauty of living separately relationships, you have the time and space to do your own things when there are differences, without either one of you being compromised aswell as enjoying things together. Win win.

Otherwise known as being single.

If being single is what we call having actual autonomy and choice these days, hooray for being single

Can't find the shrug emoji

Fabswingers has become Fabsingles.

Fabswingers has always had lots of singles on it.

It's also always had lots of ethically-non monogamous people on it, and lots of couples who always play separately, and lots of people who play with the consent of their partner (but their partner doesn't play).

I've been swinging for about fifteen years or more now. It's not changed substantially in that time. Except more couples are getting the arse about people who they don't want to meet enjoying the same lifestyle."

I've definitely noticed a big rise in "my way or the highway".

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By *electableicecreamMan
26 weeks ago

The West

I was engaged and LAT with my ex partner for 2yrs. That part of our relationship worked really well for both of us and I would do the same with any potential partner in the future.

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"

I've been swinging for about fifteen years or more now. It's not changed substantially in that time. Except more couples are getting the arse about people who they don't want to meet enjoying the same lifestyle."

If you've been here fifteen years you know that's bollocks. This debate has been running at least as far back as that.

I wasn't criticising singles. The point I'd intended was that this space specifically (the forum) seems more biased to those who are single.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"

I've been swinging for about fifteen years or more now. It's not changed substantially in that time. Except more couples are getting the arse about people who they don't want to meet enjoying the same lifestyle.

If you've been here fifteen years you know that's bollocks. This debate has been running at least as far back as that.

I wasn't criticising singles. The point I'd intended was that this space specifically (the forum) seems more biased to those who are single."

So get more couples who feel the same way as you to contribute to the forums.

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"

I've been swinging for about fifteen years or more now. It's not changed substantially in that time. Except more couples are getting the arse about people who they don't want to meet enjoying the same lifestyle.

If you've been here fifteen years you know that's bollocks. This debate has been running at least as far back as that.

I wasn't criticising singles. The point I'd intended was that this space specifically (the forum) seems more biased to those who are single.

So get more couples who feel the same way as you to contribute to the forums."

Why? I'm not that bothered

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"

I've been swinging for about fifteen years or more now. It's not changed substantially in that time. Except more couples are getting the arse about people who they don't want to meet enjoying the same lifestyle.

If you've been here fifteen years you know that's bollocks. This debate has been running at least as far back as that.

I wasn't criticising singles. The point I'd intended was that this space specifically (the forum) seems more biased to those who are single.

So get more couples who feel the same way as you to contribute to the forums.

Why? I'm not that bothered "

You’re bothered enough to complain about singles chatting on the forum tho.

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"

I've been swinging for about fifteen years or more now. It's not changed substantially in that time. Except more couples are getting the arse about people who they don't want to meet enjoying the same lifestyle.

If you've been here fifteen years you know that's bollocks. This debate has been running at least as far back as that.

I wasn't criticising singles. The point I'd intended was that this space specifically (the forum) seems more biased to those who are single.

So get more couples who feel the same way as you to contribute to the forums.

Why? I'm not that bothered

You’re bothered enough to complain about singles chatting on the forum tho. "

I'm not 'complaining'.

I'm pointing out the debate on here seems to lean in favour of those less interested in how a regular long term relationship would most likely succeed. Which involves levels of compromise.

It in no way surprises me you'd find that difficult.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
26 weeks ago

Carlisle usually


"I'm pointing out the debate on here seems to lean in favour of those less interested in how a regular long term relationship would most likely succeed. Which involves levels of compromise.

It in no way surprises me you'd find that difficult."

Successful long term relationships don't have to include compromising on the things that are important to each person. Such as independent living separately in the conversation at hand

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"I'm pointing out the debate on here seems to lean in favour of those less interested in how a regular long term relationship would most likely succeed. Which involves levels of compromise.

It in no way surprises me you'd find that difficult.

Successful long term relationships don't have to include compromising on the things that are important to each person. Such as independent living separately in the conversation at hand "

And if that works then

My original point was that it seems less likely given I'd assume your priority in making such a decision is to yourself above yourselves.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
26 weeks ago

Carlisle usually


"And if that works then

My original point was that it seems less likely given I'd assume your priority in making such a decision is to yourself above yourselves."

I hate when someone spends time with me because it's convenient or expected. I need my own time and space to decompress. Living together kills relationships dead for me. Living apart is putting the relationship above my own finances or having someone to share the housework with. It's me prioritising the actual possible future we could have over the heternormative nuclear family ideal that most people are raised to work towards.

I do not consider it selfish or putting myself above my partner

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"And if that works then

My original point was that it seems less likely given I'd assume your priority in making such a decision is to yourself above yourselves.

I hate when someone spends time with me because it's convenient or expected. I need my own time and space to decompress. Living together kills relationships dead for me. Living apart is putting the relationship above my own finances or having someone to share the housework with. It's me prioritising the actual possible future we could have over the heternormative nuclear family ideal that most people are raised to work towards.

I do not consider it selfish or putting myself above my partner "

Good for you.

However I'm confident my children are grateful for their 'hetronormal' parents and the compromises they made for them.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
26 weeks ago

Carlisle usually


"Good for you.

However I'm confident my children are grateful for their 'hetronormal' parents and the compromises they made for them."

Cool.

I'm not a breeder and so don't have to put my children's happiness above mine or my partners

Some things are perfectly okay to compromise on. I do not want children, so I don't date people who do. I want my happy independent solo living, so I don't date people who want that level of constant enmeshment.

Dating people who are compatible on what they're willing to compromise is important

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By *oveToPlay.Couple
26 weeks ago

Yorkshire


"And if that works then

My original point was that it seems less likely given I'd assume your priority in making such a decision is to yourself above yourselves.

I hate when someone spends time with me because it's convenient or expected. I need my own time and space to decompress. Living together kills relationships dead for me. Living apart is putting the relationship above my own finances or having someone to share the housework with. It's me prioritising the actual possible future we could have over the heternormative nuclear family ideal that most people are raised to work towards.

I do not consider it selfish or putting myself above my partner

Good for you.

However I'm confident my children are grateful for their 'hetronormal' parents and the compromises they made for them."

Coming from a background with parents who couldn't handle living with each other but loved each other and ended up in a messy divorce, I for one can say without question that I wish they had lived separately but parented from a combined force.

It's not all as black and white as your comments are making it.

One shoe does not fit all scenarios.

There are positives in living separately especially when that positive is raising your children in a loving environment.

You don't have to live in the same house to successfully raise a family

S xx

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By *naswingdressWoman
26 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)


"And if that works then

My original point was that it seems less likely given I'd assume your priority in making such a decision is to yourself above yourselves.

I hate when someone spends time with me because it's convenient or expected. I need my own time and space to decompress. Living together kills relationships dead for me. Living apart is putting the relationship above my own finances or having someone to share the housework with. It's me prioritising the actual possible future we could have over the heternormative nuclear family ideal that most people are raised to work towards.

I do not consider it selfish or putting myself above my partner

Good for you.

However I'm confident my children are grateful for their 'hetronormal' parents and the compromises they made for them."

I'm glad it works for you.

I'm glad other people do what works for them.

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"And if that works then

My original point was that it seems less likely given I'd assume your priority in making such a decision is to yourself above yourselves.

I hate when someone spends time with me because it's convenient or expected. I need my own time and space to decompress. Living together kills relationships dead for me. Living apart is putting the relationship above my own finances or having someone to share the housework with. It's me prioritising the actual possible future we could have over the heternormative nuclear family ideal that most people are raised to work towards.

I do not consider it selfish or putting myself above my partner

Good for you.

However I'm confident my children are grateful for their 'hetronormal' parents and the compromises they made for them.

Coming from a background with parents who couldn't handle living with each other but loved each other and ended up in a messy divorce, I for one can say without question that I wish they had lived separately but parented from a combined force.

It's not all as black and white as your comments are making it.

One shoe does not fit all scenarios.

There are positives in living separately especially when that positive is raising your children in a loving environment.

You don't have to live in the same house to successfully raise a family

S xx

"

And I for one can say that flitting between multiple households and juggling the tensions of separate parents can make for a challenging upbringing.

I don't see how stressing the benefits of compromise is black and white.

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By *oveToPlay.Couple
26 weeks ago

Yorkshire


"And if that works then

My original point was that it seems less likely given I'd assume your priority in making such a decision is to yourself above yourselves.

I hate when someone spends time with me because it's convenient or expected. I need my own time and space to decompress. Living together kills relationships dead for me. Living apart is putting the relationship above my own finances or having someone to share the housework with. It's me prioritising the actual possible future we could have over the heternormative nuclear family ideal that most people are raised to work towards.

I do not consider it selfish or putting myself above my partner

Good for you.

However I'm confident my children are grateful for their 'hetronormal' parents and the compromises they made for them.

Coming from a background with parents who couldn't handle living with each other but loved each other and ended up in a messy divorce, I for one can say without question that I wish they had lived separately but parented from a combined force.

It's not all as black and white as your comments are making it.

One shoe does not fit all scenarios.

There are positives in living separately especially when that positive is raising your children in a loving environment.

You don't have to live in the same house to successfully raise a family

S xx

And I for one can say that flitting between multiple households and juggling the tensions of separate parents can make for a challenging upbringing.

I don't see how stressing the benefits of compromise is black and white."

I'm sorry your experience wasn't a positive one. I really wish that wasn't the case.

I think we've both just shown there are variables on every situation.

Stressing the benefits of what you deem as compromise is absolutely fine, but to state that other people's views, opinions and judgements are wrong or non compromising in itself shows you habe a non compromising attitude towards others views.

Live and let live, what works for one may not work for another. No one on here is 'correct' we're all uniquely different and that's OK.

S xxx

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"

Stressing the benefits of what you deem as compromise is absolutely fine, but to state that other people's views, opinions and judgements are wrong or non compromising in itself shows you habe a non compromising attitude towards others views."

Wasn't aware I'd stated such. My intention was to give my opinion on the invited discussion.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"

However I'm confident my children are grateful for their 'hetronormal' parents and the compromises they made for them."

You’ll probably never know if they are grateful tho.

I wish my parents had split years before they did. Or I wish they’d had an open relationship so that they could both sleep with other people while they still lived each other. Maybe it would have been better if they’d lived apart.

Indeed, I actually wish my parents *hadnt* made so many compromises for me because it was evident that they gave up parts of themselves that had been important to them. And they had no need to do that, other than to please society.

If we have a society where adults model behavior to young people that includes prioritizing one’s own well-being then that’s the behavior that young people will grow up emulating.

If we model behavior of compromise, then young people will grow up believing that compromising and settling for less than their absolute best is the way forwards.

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land

I think we have different ideas of what compromise in a relationship means.

I'm talking about compromises based on your value of a relationship over your own selfish wants. Not a suggestion that anybody should maintain a relationship with somebody they don't care for.

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By *oveToPlay.Couple
26 weeks ago

Yorkshire


"

Stressing the benefits of what you deem as compromise is absolutely fine, but to state that other people's views, opinions and judgements are wrong or non compromising in itself shows you habe a non compromising attitude towards others views.

Wasn't aware I'd stated such. My intention was to give my opinion on the invited discussion.

"

And you have, which has been a very interesting read, just the same as I'm giving my opinion on the invited discussion.

Disagreement will happen in these types of topics, it always does as we all have our own backgrounds and experiences.

I live with my husband, happily, wouldn't want it any other way and I can see the huge benefits for my family in having this lifestyle.

But I also very much see the positives in living separately for those who wish to do so.

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By *ullyMan
26 weeks ago

Near Clacton

Living together separately is not new by any means, and it suits a lot of people as a relationship, arrangement, and lifestyle. My wife and I were together 49 years very happily, but we rarely shared the same bedroom let alone the bed! A lot of the old time stars of stage and silent movies were "couples" or even married but were gay, they were called beards. Then it was by order of their "managers" or the film company so as to protect the income from the box office!

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By *oveToPlay.Couple
26 weeks ago

Yorkshire


"I think we have different ideas of what compromise in a relationship means.

I'm talking about compromises based on your value of a relationship over your own selfish wants. Not a suggestion that anybody should maintain a relationship with somebody they don't care for."

You see its the 'selfish' comment that makes you appear judgmental.

No one here is being selfish, they are only being selfish by people who judge them as such

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By *stwo2023Couple
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"And if that works then

My original point was that it seems less likely given I'd assume your priority in making such a decision is to yourself above yourselves.

I hate when someone spends time with me because it's convenient or expected. I need my own time and space to decompress. Living together kills relationships dead for me. Living apart is putting the relationship above my own finances or having someone to share the housework with. It's me prioritising the actual possible future we could have over the heternormative nuclear family ideal that most people are raised to work towards.

I do not consider it selfish or putting myself above my partner

Good for you.

However I'm confident my children are grateful for their 'hetronormal' parents and the compromises they made for them."

Hetero normal.....you sure about that? One of you is lying to them, or is that one if those compromises you are on about

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By *eekySweetheartWoman
26 weeks ago

Hampshire

Me and my partner of 6 years don't and won't live together. I have children, he doesn't. I wouldn't move another man in my children's home (no judgement who does- 2 of mine have additional needs and it would be a nightmare). We also both like our alone time. He is moving closer to me though which will be better .

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"I think we have different ideas of what compromise in a relationship means.

I'm talking about compromises based on your value of a relationship over your own selfish wants. Not a suggestion that anybody should maintain a relationship with somebody they don't care for.

You see its the 'selfish' comment that makes you appear judgmental.

No one here is being selfish, they are only being selfish by people who judge them as such "

By selfish I'm referring to the choice to make decisions for yourself above your relationship: SELFish.

I don't consider 'judgmental' as negative either. We should all make judgements.

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"

Hetero normal.....you sure about that? One of you is lying to them, or is that one if those compromises you are on about "

You'll need to explain the joke. Went over my head.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"Living together separately is not new by any means, and it suits a lot of people as a relationship, arrangement, and lifestyle. My wife and I were together 49 years very happily, but we rarely shared the same bedroom let alone the bed! A lot of the old time stars of stage and silent movies were "couples" or even married but were gay, they were called beards. Then it was by order of their "managers" or the film company so as to protect the income from the box office!"

But none of those things are what LAT together is.

LAT is a romantic couple who live in seperate homes.

Not separate beds, not separate bedrooms, not where the relationship is a scam, and not where one person is posted away with work and is forced to live away against their wishes.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"

Hetero normal.....you sure about that? One of you is lying to them, or is that one if those compromises you are on about

You'll need to explain the joke. Went over my head."

I think the comment is about the fact that if you’re swingers it’s not a heteronormative relationship. It’s about as far away from heteronormative as you can get.

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"

Hetero normal.....you sure about that? One of you is lying to them, or is that one if those compromises you are on about

You'll need to explain the joke. Went over my head.

I think the comment is about the fact that if you’re swingers it’s not a heteronormative relationship. It’s about as far away from heteronormative as you can get."

Ah. Because we all swing the same way.

Like we all heteronorm the same way.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"

By selfish I'm referring to the choice to make decisions for yourself above your relationship: SELFish.

I don't consider 'judgmental' as negative either. We should all make judgements."

I think you’re missing something important.

People who LAT aren’t selfish for not compromising because they don’t have to compromise. LAT imagines a new way of having relationships where there’s simply no need to compromise.

I don’t compromise on anything with my partners because I don’t have to. There’s just no need. We have wonderful, loving, romantic relationships without any compromise.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"

Hetero normal.....you sure about that? One of you is lying to them, or is that one if those compromises you are on about

You'll need to explain the joke. Went over my head.

I think the comment is about the fact that if you’re swingers it’s not a heteronormative relationship. It’s about as far away from heteronormative as you can get.

Ah. Because we all swing the same way.

Like we all heteronorm the same way."

Heteronormative is a defined term that means a particular thing.

If you don’t mean heteronormative then don’t use the word.

(There’s no such term as heteronorm or heteronormal).

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"

Hetero normal.....you sure about that? One of you is lying to them, or is that one if those compromises you are on about

You'll need to explain the joke. Went over my head.

I think the comment is about the fact that if you’re swingers it’s not a heteronormative relationship. It’s about as far away from heteronormative as you can get.

Ah. Because we all swing the same way.

Like we all heteronorm the same way.

Heteronormative is a defined term that means a particular thing.

If you don’t mean heteronormative then don’t use the word.

(There’s no such term as heteronorm or heteronormal)."

Fair enough. Went off to educate myself. Got a definition:

"denoting or relating to a world view that promotes heterosexuality as the normal or preferred sexual orientation."

Turns out it was exactly as I'd assumed...

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By *stwo2023Couple
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"

Hetero normal.....you sure about that? One of you is lying to them, or is that one if those compromises you are on about

You'll need to explain the joke. Went over my head."

Hetero normal implies you're both straight. Just made me laugh.

LAT clearly isn't fit you but I don't see why you feel the need to be so dismissive of those it does work for. It doesn't threaten your relationship in any way whatsoever.

What if one of your children chooses to have a relationship like this in the future? Will you tell them they just didn't compromise enough?

Evie

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By *stwo2023Couple
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"

Hetero normal.....you sure about that? One of you is lying to them, or is that one if those compromises you are on about

You'll need to explain the joke. Went over my head.

I think the comment is about the fact that if you’re swingers it’s not a heteronormative relationship. It’s about as far away from heteronormative as you can get.

Ah. Because we all swing the same way.

Like we all heteronorm the same way.

Heteronormative is a defined term that means a particular thing.

If you don’t mean heteronormative then don’t use the word.

(There’s no such term as heteronorm or heteronormal).

Fair enough. Went off to educate myself. Got a definition:

"denoting or relating to a world view that promotes heterosexuality as the normal or preferred sexual orientation."

Turns out it was exactly as I'd assumed..."

But one of you is bi.....

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"

Hetero normal.....you sure about that? One of you is lying to them, or is that one if those compromises you are on about

You'll need to explain the joke. Went over my head.

Hetero normal implies you're both straight. Just made me laugh.

LAT clearly isn't fit you but I don't see why you feel the need to be so dismissive of those it does work for. It doesn't threaten your relationship in any way whatsoever.

What if one of your children chooses to have a relationship like this in the future? Will you tell them they just didn't compromise enough?

Evie "

We are. In a fab way

We're a man and woman in a 30 year relationship. Hard not to be more heteronorm (apologies, not allowed to use the word).

In terms of my kids, that's up to them.

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By *adyBugsWoman
26 weeks ago

cognito

If someone wanted to be my partner I could probably live like this…gotta find a willing victim first

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
26 weeks ago

BRIDPORT

I believe that many of the long term relationships that fail would not have done so if there had been more space in the relationship.

There has been much spoken about the compromises within a relationship that people view as necessary and a good thing within that relationship, for many that is the case, it increases their bond and everything is very reciprocal but for many it can be the beginnings of a resentment, maybe one starts to feel that the compromises they are making are greater than the other. Relationships can become claustrophobic and one or other ends up feeling they’re not getting out of it what they want.

The space for both to be able to do their own things without having to make a compromise that they would rather not have too can be good, for both.

A relationship like this isn’t for everyone, clearly, but it is for many and if it works for them and results in good long term relationships whose to knock it.

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By *oveToPlay.Couple
26 weeks ago

Yorkshire


"I think we have different ideas of what compromise in a relationship means.

I'm talking about compromises based on your value of a relationship over your own selfish wants. Not a suggestion that anybody should maintain a relationship with somebody they don't care for.

You see its the 'selfish' comment that makes you appear judgmental.

No one here is being selfish, they are only being selfish by people who judge them as such

By selfish I'm referring to the choice to make decisions for yourself above your relationship: SELFish.

I don't consider 'judgmental' as negative either. We should all make judgements."

Even if the decisions you make as yourself save your relationship?

That's not selfish that's looking at your situation and ensuring you all have the best possible outcome I.e being unselfish

Just because it doesn't work for you does not mean another person is being selfish- that's just your opinion, which you're entitled to but in no way means you are correct or should deem such people in a negative light

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By *ex HolesMan
26 weeks ago

Up North

Sounds perfect

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"

Even if the decisions you make as yourself save your relationship?

That's not selfish that's looking at your situation and ensuring you all have the best possible outcome I.e being unselfish

Just because it doesn't work for you does not mean another person is being selfish- that's just your opinion, which you're entitled to but in no way means you are correct or should deem such people in a negative light

"

I think you're having a conversation that I was never aware I was a part of.

My original point made it clear I'm of the opinion that if it works, it works.

That isn't at odds with my also opinion that the decision not to live with the person you love suggests you don't wish to compromise and in my opinion compromise is a critical aspect to a long term relationship.

By compromise I'm talking things like:

- I'll clean up even when I can't be arsed.

-I'll cook, you'll clean.

- I'll skip the pub to give you a lift.

- you can watch that terrible romcom on the TV

- I'll take a shitty job to pay the bills

- I'll move countries to be with you because being with you means more than anything else in my life

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By *oveToPlay.Couple
26 weeks ago

Yorkshire


"

Even if the decisions you make as yourself save your relationship?

That's not selfish that's looking at your situation and ensuring you all have the best possible outcome I.e being unselfish

Just because it doesn't work for you does not mean another person is being selfish- that's just your opinion, which you're entitled to but in no way means you are correct or should deem such people in a negative light

I think you're having a conversation that I was never aware I was a part of.

My original point made it clear I'm of the opinion that if it works, it works.

That isn't at odds with my also opinion that the decision not to live with the person you love suggests you don't wish to compromise and in my opinion compromise is a critical aspect to a long term relationship.

By compromise I'm talking things like:

- I'll clean up even when I can't be arsed.

-I'll cook, you'll clean.

- I'll skip the pub to give you a lift.

- you can watch that terrible romcom on the TV

- I'll take a shitty job to pay the bills

- I'll move countries to be with you because being with you means more than anything else in my life

"

Compromise can also mean I love you but I like my own space and would prefer to live on my own - it is really that simple!

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land

I do like my own space.

Compromise in a relationship allows it. Really is that simple.

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By *oveToPlay.Couple
26 weeks ago

Yorkshire


"I do like my own space.

Compromise in a relationship allows it. Really is that simple."

But you wouldn't compromise on living on your own - that's a step too far for you but not for others, each to their own, your way is not the only way or the correct way it's just simply - your way

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"I do like my own space.

Compromise in a relationship allows it. Really is that simple.

But you wouldn't compromise on living on your own - that's a step too far for you but not for others, each to their own, your way is not the only way or the correct way it's just simply - your way "

I'm honestly wondering if there's a hole in the matrix.

Let's just say you're correct according to whatever it is we're arguing about in some other universe

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By *oveToPlay.Couple
26 weeks ago

Yorkshire


"I do like my own space.

Compromise in a relationship allows it. Really is that simple.

But you wouldn't compromise on living on your own - that's a step too far for you but not for others, each to their own, your way is not the only way or the correct way it's just simply - your way

I'm honestly wondering if there's a hole in the matrix.

Let's just say you're correct according to whatever it is we're arguing about in some other universe

"

That actually made me laugh

Thanks for an interesting discussion, I hope you have a lovely rest of your evening

See you again in the matrix sometime

S xxx

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land

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By *uzie69xTV/TS
26 weeks ago

Maidstone

This concept is at least thirty years old.

A clever boffin at ONS Office for National Statistics introduced the concept of "living together separately" after analysing the 1991 Population Census. So when they started producing the Population and Household Projections (to help Town Planning) local councils NIMBY's didn't believe the figures until the 2001 Census proved ONS correct.

By 2021 Census (COVID did mess things up a bit), it is without question LAT is pretty common.

Only one-third of households are MARRIED / civil partnership mum and dad with kids. Two thirds are a diverse mix of non-married families, couples (hetro and homo) single parent households, house shares etc. Divorced parents with their child/ren living in different homes for different days in the week.

So LAT is part of the complex living arrangements now quite common.

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By *lex46TV/TS
26 weeks ago

Near Wells

My wife and I life 10 miles apart . We separated over 10 years ago but never divorced. It was difficult at first but it’s the best thing we done.

We still care for each other and wouldn’t wish any harm. We help one another out , go away for weekends and holidays together. She even brought me two wigs and a dress last Christmas, she’s wonderful.

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By *aughtyDomMan
26 weeks ago

Birmingham/ W Mids

It's fun to be free of your ex and be more honest about your sex yearnings, my ex never sucked me, she now confesses she wants women and is sub so we explore that avenue

Liberated

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By *ymAndIcedCoffee OP   Woman
26 weeks ago

Worcester


"

Even if the decisions you make as yourself save your relationship?

That's not selfish that's looking at your situation and ensuring you all have the best possible outcome I.e being unselfish

Just because it doesn't work for you does not mean another person is being selfish- that's just your opinion, which you're entitled to but in no way means you are correct or should deem such people in a negative light

I think you're having a conversation that I was never aware I was a part of.

My original point made it clear I'm of the opinion that if it works, it works.

That isn't at odds with my also opinion that the decision not to live with the person you love suggests you don't wish to compromise and in my opinion compromise is a critical aspect to a long term relationship.

By compromise I'm talking things like:

- I'll clean up even when I can't be arsed.

-I'll cook, you'll clean.

- I'll skip the pub to give you a lift.

- you can watch that terrible romcom on the TV

- I'll take a shitty job to pay the bills

- I'll move countries to be with you because being with you means more than anything else in my life

"

But… and it’s just a suggestion…

Imagine a wonderful, loving, romantic, brilliant relationship… where you didn’t have to make any compromises like that because everything just worked without anyone feeling that they had to compromise?

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By *uri00620Woman
26 weeks ago

Croydon


"The LAT (living apart together) movement is a growing group of people who have chosen to shed societies expectation that romantic couples should live together as a natural progression of their relationship.

Instead they choose to be together in meaningful and longterm romantic relationships, but without sharing a home.

How do you feel about that?"

Sounds perfect. I love living on my own. Would love a partner to feel the same!

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By *wistntwirlCouple
26 weeks ago

Middle Land


"

Even if the decisions you make as yourself save your relationship?

That's not selfish that's looking at your situation and ensuring you all have the best possible outcome I.e being unselfish

Just because it doesn't work for you does not mean another person is being selfish- that's just your opinion, which you're entitled to but in no way means you are correct or should deem such people in a negative light

I think you're having a conversation that I was never aware I was a part of.

My original point made it clear I'm of the opinion that if it works, it works.

That isn't at odds with my also opinion that the decision not to live with the person you love suggests you don't wish to compromise and in my opinion compromise is a critical aspect to a long term relationship.

By compromise I'm talking things like:

- I'll clean up even when I can't be arsed.

-I'll cook, you'll clean.

- I'll skip the pub to give you a lift.

- you can watch that terrible romcom on the TV

- I'll take a shitty job to pay the bills

- I'll move countries to be with you because being with you means more than anything else in my life

But… and it’s just a suggestion…

Imagine a wonderful, loving, romantic, brilliant relationship… where you didn’t have to make any compromises like that because everything just worked without anyone feeling that they had to compromise?"

Sounds idyllic.

Also sounds like fantasy.

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