FabSwingers.com forum: Why don’t men talk enough

By *uperS77 OP Man
38 weeks ago

Gloucester

I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough?

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By *obilebottomMan
38 weeks ago

All over

Lots of reasons but mostly societal conditioning. Men don't talk about their feelings, men don't cry. You know those sort of things that some men think will diminish their masculinity. Just like some, including some on here, think that if a guy talks to them, especially if not straight, that they are after their crown jewels. It is how the world is. Not all men though, just some.

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By *enk15Man
38 weeks ago

Evesham

Well done on joining a talking circle, glad to hear you found it helpful.

Toxic masculinity is the problem. The pressure to conform to rigid gender "norms"

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By *naswingdressWoman
38 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)

Societal conditioning and the pressure it puts on men from a very early age.

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

Females are well quiet and reserved at meetings. Depending what kind of meeting mind you. I mean work ones. Not gagging orders of third kind.

I am off to a meeting monday.. All about ptsd. I am going to listen take notes.

Males believe it not and females are shy and reserved humans. Would I talk at an males meeting.. Maybe depending on topic.

I do like to talk it is effective at times.

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By *arry monk40Man
38 weeks ago

Telford

Coz noone listens coz we talk shit

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By *hrimper36Couple
38 weeks ago

Central France dept 36

A lot of men I guess look at being open about things and talking as a weakness and we all know men are strong right!!!!

Not always.

Talking is good.

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By *ake_or_deathMan
38 weeks ago

Manchester

Because we're told 'Boys don't cry' and that masculinity is being 'strong' - but the definition of strength is just suffering in silence and not showing your feelings. As a result, it's actually stronger for a man to open up and talk than to stay silent.

Patriarchy screws up men as well as disadvantaging women.

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By *oupleus30Couple
38 weeks ago

Minster

As I've gotten older. I've learnt to open up more. Mainly to my partner. I can be emotional. I can share my feelings and it is quite refreshing.

Kudos to you with the work thing. Wouldn't get me there as don't mix work with personal life don't see the point

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By *layfullsamMan
38 weeks ago

Solihull

I talk lots with my mates, mostly cr.p though

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By *P4RTANMan
38 weeks ago

near

It’s a double edge sword, you want soft men, let them talk!

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

I dunno. I always use the excuse that I don’t trust anyone. People tend to use what I tell them as ammunition for the weapon in the future.

I suppose that’s why it becomes easier to talk to strangers, it’s just my opinion

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By *arry monk40Man
38 weeks ago

Telford

Maybe 25 yrs in a uniform can be a barrier

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By *ealitybitesMan
38 weeks ago

Belfast

There is a myth perpetuated here and elsewhere that men do talk but only about sex and conquests.

I've never experienced this.

I've never had a conversation with a male friend or colleague about my sex life or theirs and I don't know anyone who has those conversations.

Until I joined fab when I was 52 and met a man through a social group who I had a lot in common with, I had never had a conversation about MH issues or thoughts and feelings. Neither had he and he was 55 at the time.

It's not always to do with social conditioning.

Sometimes its situational and circumstancial and just down to not having the right people around you.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
38 weeks ago

Leeds

Because you can’t conform to the macho bullshit, if you admit you have a little cry now and again.

The mr

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
38 weeks ago

Central

We've been conditioned for hundreds, perhaps thousands of years, for men to be inhibited in many ways.

. There's such a huge cost to this, with repression doing nobody any good.

Perhaps there was benefit for leaders who had submissive people, who dutifully obeyed by being subdued and workhorses for them. The rest of the society then raged against aberrations.

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By *ebauchedDeviantsPt2Couple
38 weeks ago

Cumbria

"It’s a double edge sword, you want soft men, let them talk! "

Spartan soldiers were encouraged to enter into romantic relationships with their fellow soldiers.

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By *agnar73Man
38 weeks ago

glasgow-ish

Women know everything so you can’t really win

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

I think there’s lots of reasons. I think there’s lots of cultural shit and masculinity shit. But I think men my age talk more. And hopefully that continues amongst coming generations.

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By *ose-tinted GlassesMan
38 weeks ago

Glasgow / London

It’s true. Can’t shut the youth up.

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By *r Black 85Man
38 weeks ago

nottingham

"I think there’s lots of reasons. I think there’s lots of cultural shit and masculinity shit. But I think men my age talk more. And hopefully that continues amongst coming generations. "

You can't stop me from talking now. I bottled up things for 20+ years which lead me down a very dark path which I survived by talking.

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By *he turned me GreyCouple
38 weeks ago

Warwick and Coventry

Social influences, influences through are fathers as to how a man should be, not show any emotions, talk about feelings, show vunerablity, or display anything that may be percieved as weakness...the list of messed up messages we recoeve as males that blocks us from talking is endless ....

All a load of bollocks I'll add..

I'm fortunate that I have some males that have shown me, that's its ok to do the opposite of the above, and my experience is that by being emotionally vunerable offers me nothing bad, but freedom from self...

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By *naswingdressWoman
38 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)

"I think there’s lots of reasons. I think there’s lots of cultural shit and masculinity shit. But I think men my age talk more. And hopefully that continues amongst coming generations. "

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By *naswingdressWoman
38 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)

"It’s a double edge sword, you want soft men, let them talk! "

So we should force men to feel isolated and suppress their feelings until they ruin their health, so we can have not soft men?

I dunno, man, I'm not that selfish. If I have to choose between "not soft men" and men being able to have the emotional outlets they need, I'll choose the latter, even if I prefer "not soft men". We owe boys and men better than forcing them down a narrow, emotionally stilted road.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
38 weeks ago

East Sussex

I've noticed that the men in our son and son in laws generation are much more open with their emotions. Thank goodness. There's still a way to go though

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By *onameyet2Man
38 weeks ago

chorley

"It’s a double edge sword, you want soft men, let them talk! "

Yeah come on Spartacus let’s punch the fuck out of everybody and be strong grrrrrrrrrr

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By *9XAYNOR69Man
38 weeks ago

Centralised he/him/his From the land of cocksuckers

It just wasn't done it was a sign of weakness.

Growing up in a strict military maltese family.

Being an older gay guy working shifts puts division between friends family it's isolating

I think it's easier now more support and advice networks.

I think I've come to terms with it.

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By *onameyet2Man
38 weeks ago

chorley

I’m 62 and only in the last couple of years have spoken about how I feel about stuff which upsets me to my wife, surprise surprise she understands and helps a great deal. The one thing I don’t feel is weak, I feel strong and empowered

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By *layfullsamMan
38 weeks ago

Solihull

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough? "

If guys have been married or long term relationship they’re used to not being able to get a word in edgeways

The ability to talk freely will return eventually;)

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

Simply because it hasn't been normalised yet. It could be due to a number of reasons though.

Personally, I don't think I know how to effectively communicate problems I have, I don't want to think I'm burdening others by telling them my problems, and sometimes when I want to vent, I don't want solutions which people seem to be dying to give me.

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By *naswingdressWoman
38 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)

"Simply because it hasn't been normalised yet. It could be due to a number of reasons though.

I can offer a neurospicy workaround I came up with with a friend of mine who's got autism and ADHD.

"I want to talk."

"Do you want me to listen or offer solutions?"

I'm very solutions oriented in the way I talk, and she tends to be very "let me vent". If one or both of us remember to say/ ask about the intention of the discussion, it stops that mismatch you're talking about.

(I know there are Rules about not getting into the mechanics of conversation, because fucked if I know why, but fuck the rules)

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By *xelciscoMan
38 weeks ago

Reading/bracknell

Research also shows that each day the language density available to men is about 3 times less than for females. I.e. men start with a pool of about 2000 words and women about 6000. Obviously plus or minus standard deviations etc.. so depending on your activities and personality some go through it more quickly than others etc.

Plus now there is the egalitarian discourse that assumes all things are equal everywhere all the time.

There are probably lots of other reasons on top.

Soon a logorrhoea police too.

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By *orny-DJMan
38 weeks ago

Leigh-on-Sea

Because we reckon that the women folk aren't interested in what we have to say?

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

Good on you, mate. I used to attend a men's group called Andy's Man Club and that helped me so much.

They run groups every Monday except Bank Holidays, at 7pm in loads of towns and cities. Worth checking out if you or anyone you know might benefit from it. It's all free, with tea and coffee provided.

No pressure to speak. Most people just turn up and listen for as long as they need, until comfortable to talk.

It isn't counselling though and it's best not to treat it as such. A little additional support, that can have a positive effect alongside

More and more men are opening up and during my time there (about 6-7 months, on and off), the attendance count went from about 12 to nearly 40 I think. They ended up having to get additional facilitators and rooms.

This whole "man up" nonsense is so unhelpful. It's no wonder suicide rates are so high in men, when we're constantly told to suppress our feelings and "be a man" or some much thing.

These days, I see a man as being in touch with yourself and others equally. Being open and honest with yourself, never hiding who you are and talking about how you feel.

The dynamic is certainly changing for the better, albeit very slowly. It's definitely a generational thing, that is changing as mental health is becoming less taboo and more important to look after.

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

Personally i'd rather try to help myself overcome any issues. It has nothing to do with conditioning, or looking weak. I couldn't care less what other people perceive me as. I don't talk to other's about personal matters because it's none of their business.

Talking may help some people, i totally get that and I'm not knocking it in any way. It's just not for everyone. If i did feel the need to talk id rather talk to a professional who could offer up insight and pathways to help.

Talking to mates, may make you feel a bit better at the time, but you're still in the same situation you were when you get home and the door slams behind you.

I am however, very broken and cynical. So "my way" could possibly be a very unique take on the problem

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
38 weeks ago

BRIDPORT

We don’t need too, women do enough for all of us.

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

"We don’t need too, women do enough for all of us.

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

"Simply because it hasn't been normalised yet. It could be due to a number of reasons though.

I can offer a neurospicy workaround I came up with with a friend of mine who's got autism and ADHD.

"I want to talk."

"Do you want me to listen or offer solutions?"

(I know there are Rules about not getting into the mechanics of conversation, because fucked if I know why, but fuck the rules)"

That's a good way of doing things, I guess my worry comes from the way I ask them to just let me vent. I don't want to seem like I don't care about their opinion. I mean... I don't, but still

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By *naswingdressWoman
38 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)

"Simply because it hasn't been normalised yet. It could be due to a number of reasons though.

I can offer a neurospicy workaround I came up with with a friend of mine who's got autism and ADHD.

"I want to talk."

"Do you want me to listen or offer solutions?"

(I know there are Rules about not getting into the mechanics of conversation, because fucked if I know why, but fuck the rules)

That's a good way of doing things, I guess my worry comes from the way I ask them to just let me vent. I don't want to seem like I don't care about their opinion. I mean... I don't, but still

As a person who offers solutions as love/empathy, I like being told that people want to vent. Because I want to help. If helping is shutting the fuck up and/or making sympathetic noises, then that's what I want to do!

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

I actually think.. men need to stop feeling guilty about being a man and stop listening to this toxic masculinity bullshit. Absentee fathers and women denying access are leading to a generation of boys being brought up as metrosexual and afraid to be a man. I think way too much mental health pish is being played out when guys just need to grow a pair and stand up straight and learn to dig yourself out the rutt that they've let modern society create for themselves. Imo.

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

"I actually think.. men need to stop feeling guilty about being a man and stop listening to this toxic masculinity bullshit. Absentee fathers and women denying access are leading to a generation of boys being brought up as metrosexual and afraid to be a man. I think way too much mental health pish is being played out when guys just need to grow a pair and stand up straight and learn to dig yourself out the rutt that they've let modern society create for themselves. Imo."

What would qualify me as a 'man'?

As father to two young men, I'm very much interested.

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By *r_PinkMan
38 weeks ago

london stratford

I have a mate I have known since we were 12 in school! We are each others go to when we wanna moan, sulk, confess something or just talk shite!

I thought everyone had a mate or mates like that!

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
38 weeks ago

Reading

Because of how adults interact with babies based on their gender. This then carries on where girls are encouraged to be verbal and bboys to be active.

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

"It’s a double edge sword, you want soft men, let them talk! "

What's a soft man?

A sign of strength is being able to express how you feel, to be vulnerable and true to yourself. That takes a lot of courage.

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By *ittlemiss Hal O weenCouple
38 weeks ago

Southampton

And this attitude is the reason that male s*uicide is so high... I would like to say my inbox is open if anyone needs to chat x

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By *naswingdressWoman
38 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)

So giving men the space to express themselves emotionally other than with anger and repression is caused by single mothers and should be shunned?

Nice theory. You don't have to talk if you don't want to. But I'm glad men have more socially acceptable options now.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
38 weeks ago

Reading

Yup toxic masculinity bullshit. Mental health pish with suicide being the biggest killer of men under 50.

Sigh.

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By *naswingdressWoman
38 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)

Also... wasn't metrosexual the idea that men could bathe and try to look nice without being gay?

Yes. Single mothers cause men to wear deodorant. Fabulous. I'm all for it

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By *obilebottomMan
38 weeks ago

All over

Wow, this has taken a turn. No wonder some so called men think it is ok to be the kind of men that abuse women, beat one another after a drink or two or go queerbashing with their mates as I understand it is called. Well done to anyone advocating that kind of masculinity. A real role model for your kids. I am not allowed to shame apparently anyone in here but who cares, it deserves a ban if I get one.

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

Ironically, if the absentee fathers grew a pair, took some accountability and were decent fathers/ role models for their offspring, things may be very different and their children may not feel as unloved or unloveable and potentially have a whole raft of emotions/feelings that they may want or not want to surpress.

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By *arlot o scaraWoman
38 weeks ago

Hell

I don’t think that mental health is an easy subject to open up about for most people. I never really thought about it until it affected me directly.

An off duty copper pulled me back from the edge a couple of years ago. I had texted my mate a few moments previous like nothing was wrong.

Looking back, I could have opened up. It just seemed impossible at the time.

Younger people are really pushing to open up the conversation around mental health, long may it continue

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

I know three people who took their own lives. All men. Two of them good friends and the 'why didn't they talk to me' thing never goes away.

I'd like to think I'd do better if it ever came to it but I wouldn't say I'm entirely confident about that.

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By *naswingdressWoman
38 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)

"I know three people who took their own lives. All men. Two of them good friends and the 'why didn't they talk to me' thing never goes away.

I'd like to think I'd do better if it ever came to it but I wouldn't say I'm entirely confident about that."

I'm sorry. That what if never really leaves you.

When a friend took his life last year, a relative told me not to blame myself, like I wouldn't for terminal cancer. She said, is it much different? His depression was terminal. (The analogy isn't exact. It was a useful reframing for me)

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By *ou only live onceMan
38 weeks ago

London

I've not read the whole thread so apologies if you've already covered this OP, but what did you talk about in the talking circle (if not too personal a question).

I can see why they could be helpful (though not sure it's my thing) but one arranged through work sounds a bit awkward to me. I'd rather talk to a friend, I think, or was it easier as you were less close than you would be to a friend?

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By *ris GrayMan
38 weeks ago

Dorchester

I can talk for England

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

"I know three people who took their own lives. All men. Two of them good friends and the 'why didn't they talk to me' thing never goes away.

I'd like to think I'd do better if it ever came to it but I wouldn't say I'm entirely confident about that.

I'm sorry. That what if never really leaves you.

I guess you can never know what somebody may be battling.

Each was very different circumstances. None of them gave any clue.

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By *naswingdressWoman
38 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)

"I know three people who took their own lives. All men. Two of them good friends and the 'why didn't they talk to me' thing never goes away.

I'd like to think I'd do better if it ever came to it but I wouldn't say I'm entirely confident about that.

I'm sorry. That what if never really leaves you.

I guess you can never know what somebody may be battling.

Each was very different circumstances. None of them gave any clue."

Yes. I hear that. I feel for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

"Yes. I hear that. I feel for you."

Likewise.

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By *he turned me GreyCouple
38 weeks ago

Warwick and Coventry

"Research also shows that each day the language density available to men is about 3 times less than for females. I.e. men start with a pool of about 2000 words and women about 6000. "

This is so incorrect, the average available lexicon is from 25000-30000 words....

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By *had_ThunderCockMan
38 weeks ago

a place somewhat adjacent to you…

I run a couple of men’s support groups, on some very specific topics, and the feed back is few categories; other than perceived shame & being vulnerable;

1) feel what they experience is unique, not relatable and people wouldn’t understand ‘their’ emotion

2) feeling they cannot express themselves as openly as they struggle because of a society driven expectation of stoicism

3) men don’t feel listened to within their own environments, which causes frustration that feel they cannot talk due to being corrected, overspoken or over ruled.

I don’t want to go into my men’s groups purpose here, but if anyone needs to talk, then you have a willing pair of ears here.

Paul

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By *had_ThunderCockMan
38 weeks ago

a place somewhat adjacent to you…

"Research also shows that each day the language density available to men is about 3 times less than for females. I.e. men start with a pool of about 2000 words and women about 6000.

This statistic fascinates me, as one of my groups optimises this. So being in dialogue can be challenge, when it comes to articulating thoughts, feelings and emotions in ways that are appropriate.

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By *he turned me GreyCouple
38 weeks ago

Warwick and Coventry

"Research also shows that each day the language density available to men is about 3 times less than for females. I.e. men start with a pool of about 2000 words and women about 6000.

This statistic fascinates me, as one of my groups optimises this. So being in dialogue can be challenge, when it comes to articulating thoughts, feelings and emotions in ways that are appropriate.

I sit in a mutual aid group and have done for 10 11 years, where men talk openly about feelings. In mu experience it starts with firstly identifying feelings and emotions, then learning to articulate them in a manner that's is not dysfunctional in nature, which is often done vicariously through shared experience that we go through.....big up the power of speech...

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By *he turned me GreyCouple
38 weeks ago

Warwick and Coventry

Ooh dear........I'm so glad I have men in my life, who showed me it was OK to ask for help and to be vunerable, as that rutt you refer to. They reached in and offered me there hands, when I couldn't or even know how to dig myself outta it....

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By *bonybucksMan
38 weeks ago

High Wycombe

Some men talk too much. I’m guilty of that sometimes.

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

I never feel the need to.

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By *agnar73Man
38 weeks ago

glasgow-ish

Often it’s timing.

Or I’m asked about stuff other than me, which admittedly is usually more important.

Or it’s the wrong person to talk about it.

Or that I’m listening to someone else offload and I don’t want to add to what they’re carrying.

The plans for conversations don’t always work out or the person is busy or it’s the wrong person there.

Often hear

‘Oh if I’d known you needed to talk..’

But you can’t answer

‘Well, you didn’t know and there wasn’t a space to fit it in or a way to change the conversation.’

And that’s how it goes before getting into psychology of how conversations are driven or steered by people or control or any of the stuff that’s murkier.

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By *abtastic Mr FoxMan
38 weeks ago

A den in the Glen

We are programmed and wired up to be hunter gatherer bellends who are far too strong to admit we are sometimes flawed. It's bullshit.

Talk to people when you are struggling.

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By *agneto.Man
38 weeks ago

Bham

That would literally be my nightmare. I like to deal with things on my own. I don't like to talk about things that are bothering me. Especially with some randoms at work.

It's good that some people fond value in it, but still think people need to be treated like individuals, not every guy wants to talk about it.

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

"I think there’s lots of reasons. I think there’s lots of cultural shit and masculinity shit. But I think men my age talk more. And hopefully that continues amongst coming generations.

You can't stop me from talking now. I bottled up things for 20+ years which lead me down a very dark path which I survived by talking. "

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

This was an interesting read.

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough? "

Because we have been thought not to talk it’s ingrained in our DNA

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

We are told to talk yet when in dark places iv found if I try to I'm cut off people can't handle hearing ur struggling

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By *ymAndIcedCoffeeWoman
38 weeks ago

Worcester

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough? "

Because they’ve been led into toxic behavior by patriarchal culture.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffeeWoman
38 weeks ago

Worcester

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough?

Because we have been thought not to talk it’s ingrained in our DNA "

It’s not ingrained in your DNA. It’s literally not. And this kind of statement is part of the problem because it teaches men that attempting to change their toxic behavior is pointless.

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By *ellhungvweMan
38 weeks ago

Cheltenham

"That would literally be my nightmare. I like to deal with things on my own. I don't like to talk about things that are bothering me. Especially with some randoms at work.

It's good that some people fond value in it, but still think people need to be treated like individuals, not every guy wants to talk about it. "

I am broadly with this. I am naturally an introvert in so far as I get my energy internally and the idea of having to sit around and talk/listen to a bunch of people I work with talk about their problems really doesn’t fill me with joy.

I don’t feel the need to talk about my “issues” because I don’t feel the need to talk about them. It really is as simple as that.

It’s not due to societal pressure or whatever idea that others seem to want to push onto me. I can imagine that some people get real benefit from it - I benefit in other ways and am happy with that.

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

[Removed by poster at 07/03/24 08:28:00]

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough?

Because we have been thought not to talk it’s ingrained in our DNA

It’s not ingrained in your DNA. It’s literally not. And this kind of statement is part of the problem because it teaches men that attempting to change their toxic behavior is pointless."

How is my statement a part of the problem … If it wasn’t part of our DNA to never let our emotions out and stop thinking you can solve all the problems and don’t need help then what causes that … what has toxic behaviour got todo with anything … he asked a question of why men don’t talk.. you’ve obviously been inside the mind of a man by the way your talking ..

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By *abtastic Mr FoxMan
38 weeks ago

A den in the Glen

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough?

Because we have been thought not to talk it’s ingrained in our DNA

It’s not ingrained in your DNA. It’s literally not. And this kind of statement is part of the problem because it teaches men that attempting to change their toxic behavior is pointless."

The OP never mentioned anything about toxic behaviour so I'm not sure why you would casually slip it in.

That said, I think I know what you are attempting to say...

The stigma attached to not talking about MH lies with the inherent belief that it is somehow ingrained in man's DNA perhaps?

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By *mf123Man
38 weeks ago

with one foot out the door

All you ever hear is about is talk this talk that hell i talk more than anyone i know and im the most insane of all of em

Talking to yourself counts

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

I can’t get a word in for the wife lol

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough?

Because we have been thought not to talk it’s ingrained in our DNA

It’s not ingrained in your DNA. It’s literally not. And this kind of statement is part of the problem because it teaches men that attempting to change their toxic behavior is pointless."

I mean DNA as part of our mental make up and not an actual chromosome

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By *ostindreamsMan
38 weeks ago

London

I open myself up with maybe 5 people in my life. At least in my experience, that's true with most men. They don't open up their feelings to random colleagues or new friends. You need to build a really strong connection with a man for him to open up to you.

While it's true that toxic masculinity is a problem with some men, the problem is much more nuanced than that.

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

"That would literally be my nightmare. I like to deal with things on my own. I don't like to talk about things that are bothering me. Especially with some randoms at work.

It's good that some people fond value in it, but still think people need to be treated like individuals, not every guy wants to talk about it. "

Absolutely agree that it's not for everyone. Some deal internally, others need to let it out. It's finding what works best for you.

Some people simply can't handle emotions to begin with, so they just crack on and ignoring or dealing with the issue themselves works just as well.

We're all different. What works for one, might not for another.

I think nowadays it's more about letting men know there is help available, should it be needed. Rather than forcing them all to open up.

Sadly, there is still a stigma about men's mental health and the attitude of some people isn't helping. If someone does or doesn't want help, then that's entirely up to them. The only time I would ever push a person, is if I felt they really could benefit from it and I saw the potential solution to be very successful. Even then, it would be a gentle nudge, rather than a full-on shove lol.

I used to keep myself to myself all the time, mostly due to not understanding why I felt certain ways. Only recently I discovered that I had ADHD my entire life and it was the main reason for so many emotional states.

Opening up really helped that journey along. I could explain why this and that happened and give reasons, not excuses. I can't imagine where I would be now, if I hadn't. Probably not here, to be fair.

I still have the odd occasion where I don't speak up. But now they last a few days, not weeks.

A little internal reflection and understanding yourself can go a long way, that's for sure. Whatever methods works best, that's the one to choose.

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By *ora the explorerWoman
38 weeks ago

Paradise, Herts

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough?

Because we have been thought not to talk it’s ingrained in our DNA

It’s not ingrained in your DNA. It’s literally not. And this kind of statement is part of the problem because it teaches men that attempting to change their toxic behavior is pointless."

No it doesn’t. What’s toxic behaviour got to do with this? Not talking or opening up isn’t toxic behaviour.

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough?

Because we have been thought not to talk it’s ingrained in our DNA

It’s not ingrained in your DNA. It’s literally not. And this kind of statement is part of the problem because it teaches men that attempting to change their toxic behavior is pointless.

No it doesn’t. What’s toxic behaviour got to do with this? Not talking or opening up isn’t toxic behaviour. "

Toxic masculinities init

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By *ora the explorerWoman
38 weeks ago

Paradise, Herts

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough?

Because we have been thought not to talk it’s ingrained in our DNA

It’s not ingrained in your DNA. It’s literally not. And this kind of statement is part of the problem because it teaches men that attempting to change their toxic behavior is pointless.

No it doesn’t. What’s toxic behaviour got to do with this? Not talking or opening up isn’t toxic behaviour.

Toxic masculinities init "

Innit tho bro

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough?

Because we have been thought not to talk it’s ingrained in our DNA

It’s not ingrained in your DNA. It’s literally not. And this kind of statement is part of the problem because it teaches men that attempting to change their toxic behavior is pointless.

No it doesn’t. What’s toxic behaviour got to do with this? Not talking or opening up isn’t toxic behaviour.

Toxic masculinities init

Innit tho bro "

That is not you! Stay true to yourself Nora

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By *ora the explorerWoman
38 weeks ago

Paradise, Herts

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough?

Because we have been thought not to talk it’s ingrained in our DNA

It’s not ingrained in your DNA. It’s literally not. And this kind of statement is part of the problem because it teaches men that attempting to change their toxic behavior is pointless.

No it doesn’t. What’s toxic behaviour got to do with this? Not talking or opening up isn’t toxic behaviour.

Toxic masculinities init

Innit tho bro

That is not you! Stay true to yourself Nora

I was tryna be cool Steve

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough?

Because we have been thought not to talk it’s ingrained in our DNA

It’s not ingrained in your DNA. It’s literally not. And this kind of statement is part of the problem because it teaches men that attempting to change their toxic behavior is pointless.

No it doesn’t. What’s toxic behaviour got to do with this? Not talking or opening up isn’t toxic behaviour.

Toxic masculinities init

Innit tho bro

That is not you! Stay true to yourself Nora

I was tryna be cool Steve

Try ‘doe’ instead of tho

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By *ostindreamsMan
38 weeks ago

London

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough?

Because we have been thought not to talk it’s ingrained in our DNA

It’s not ingrained in your DNA. It’s literally not. And this kind of statement is part of the problem because it teaches men that attempting to change their toxic behavior is pointless."

While we don't know whether it's ingrained in our DNA, we also don't know if it's not ingrained in our DNA. Nature vs nurture is a question we haven't found an answer for yet. So we can't be sure.

But as some other posters have mentioned, many men do not want to open up for the sake of opening up and it doesn't have anything to do with toxic masculinity. I prefer opening up to a very few friends with whom I have a history. I am not going to open up in a group or some friends with whom I don't share such a strong bond. Of course, there are men who like opening up. All power to them.

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By *rispyDuckMan
38 weeks ago

Chinese Takeaway near you

Social conditioning

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By *aughtyandhandsomeMan
38 weeks ago

button moon

Well from one who knows it’s good to talk. It’s needed at times too. Just have to be honest with yourself and just talk to someone. You’d be surprised some will listen. I had a very close mate we talked about anything and everything. Unfortunately he’s no longer with us and I won’t have or ever will have anyone like that again. Closest I’ve come since was surprisingly someone off here. She listened gave advice and in all honesty she got me and helped me as she was a listener. But takings good even the small things. We’re all only human and need to open up at times no matter how big or small

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By *ruceyyMan
38 weeks ago

London

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough? "

It's something I'm passionate about. It's ok to not be ok, and men always say they are fine, I'm guilty of it too, but with the right people I truly open up.

Men, speak those feelings! It may make you look weaker to certain people but fuck em!

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By *ose-tinted GlassesMan
38 weeks ago

Glasgow / London

Honesty, openness, vulnerability … a Jedi craves not these things.

Sorry, fucked it. I’ll try again.

Honesty, openness, vulnerability … these take strength. Real guts. Anyone who sees them as signs of weakness is an idiot, quite frankly.

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By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

"I have just been on a mens talking circle which was set up by my work. Which was really really helpful

As a society Why do we think that boys and men don’t talk enough?

Because we have been thought not to talk it’s ingrained in our DNA

It’s not ingrained in your DNA. It’s literally not. And this kind of statement is part of the problem because it teaches men that attempting to change their toxic behavior is pointless.

No it doesn’t. What’s toxic behaviour got to do with this? Not talking or opening up isn’t toxic behaviour. "

Well said. It's this terrible notion that fatherhood and 'patriarchical culture' is toxic that makes many men feel disillusioned with themselves. Men shouldn't be forced by female indoctrination to be like them by talking incessantly thereby ruminating constantly their woes. They need their mates round then and go do masculine things and have a laugh, but society is hell bent on kicking men all the time these days. A lot of guys are pretty sick of it, getting blamed as a gender for women's problems.

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By *ust RachelTV/TS
38 weeks ago

Horsham

I don't talk due to being bullied as a kid, why give someone ammunition to use against me.

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By *xelciscoMan
38 weeks ago

Reading/bracknell

"Research also shows that each day the language density available to men is about 3 times less than for females. I.e. men start with a pool of about 2000 words and women about 6000.

This is so incorrect, the average available lexicon is from 25000-30000 words...."

Thank you for correcting me. It is information I had read in passing some years ago. You prompted me to revisit. This was overruled since and here is the quote from a 2019 article from Psychology Today, an international research journal:

A review of 56 studies conducted by linguistics researcher Deborah James and social psychologist Janice Drakich found only two studies showing that women talked more than men, while 34 studies found men talked more than women.[6] Sixteen of the studies found they talked the same and four showed no clear pattern."

Axel

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