FabSwingers.com forum: Favourite jokes/pun?

By *asisfan25 OP Man
44 weeks ago

Essex

What’s everyone’s favourite jokes and or pun’s dirty or clean

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

Science facts make me numb.

Maths facts make me number.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *asisfan25 OP Man
44 weeks ago

Essex

"Science facts make me numb.

Maths facts make me number. "
hahaha. I just thought of one I used to like as kid why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *iddlesticksMan
44 weeks ago

My nan’s spare room.

If you were the only girl in the world.

I really really hoe you’re not my sister.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

My inflatable house got a puncture last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *asisfan25 OP Man
44 weeks ago

Essex

Probably been on here loads of times. My dick is so polite it stands up so you can sit down

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

"Probably been on here loads of times. My dick is so polite it stands up so you can sit down"

Never heard that one before!! I like it

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ad HardcoreMan
44 weeks ago

A Chippy Near You...

"Beating Around The Bush"

AC-DC.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
44 weeks ago

Willenhall

What's black, got 72 teeth and no hair?

My comb...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
44 weeks ago

Willenhall

The autocorrect on my new phone still hasn't got used to me yet.

It thinks I want to watch "canal fishing" videos...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
44 weeks ago

Leeds

Two dyslexics in a kitchen. One says to the other “ can you smell gas ?” Other one says “ I can’t even smell my own name “

The mr

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

Got mugged by six dwarfs last night.

Not happy.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

Why did hitler kill himself??

Saw his gas bill

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

She called me Rowan Atkinson the way I missed her bean

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

Seen better heads on spots

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
44 weeks ago

BRIDPORT

Why did Piglet have his head down the toilet

He was looking for Pooh

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ad HardcoreMan
44 weeks ago

A Chippy Near You...

"Got mugged by six dwarfs last night.

Not happy. "

Brilliant xx

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

Did you know that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *obilebottomMan
44 weeks ago

All over

"Did you know that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy? "

I did find this funny

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *onameyet2Man
44 weeks ago

chorley

What’s red, black & white and can’t turn round in corridors?

A nun with a spear through her head

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rispyDuckMan
44 weeks ago

Chinese Takeaway near you

What’s the difference between an enzyme & a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme

lol

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *amera man 25Man
44 weeks ago

Honley Huddersfield

Two gay cowboys, first one says “yup” second one says”yep” Bernard Manning joke, remember him?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *itenDaysCouple
44 weeks ago

Vale of Glamorgan

Cannot believe that Elvis’s mouse has died, he was caught in a trap

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ad HardcoreMan
44 weeks ago

A Chippy Near You...

"Cannot believe that Elvis’s mouse has died, he was caught in a trap "

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ad HardcoreMan
44 weeks ago

A Chippy Near You...

"Two gay cowboys, first one says “yup” second one says”yep” Bernard Manning joke, remember him?"

Bernard Manning

Fat racist fuck.

Good craic!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ature420Couple
44 weeks ago

aberdeen

I used to own a horse called treacle,she had golden stirrups

She didn't go out much, she was a shire horse

What's the difference between an egg and a wank

You can beat an egg

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ad HardcoreMan
44 weeks ago

A Chippy Near You...

"I used to own a horse called treacle,she had golden stirrups

She didn't go out much, she was a shire horse

What's the difference between an egg and a wank

You can beat an egg"

Can't beat a wank

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

I often use words I don’t understand just to sound more osmosis.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

Why do scuba divers roll backwards of the boat?

Coz if they roll fwd they are still in the boat!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

What's the difference between a joke and five cocks?

Your mum can't take a joke!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *illan-KillashMan
44 weeks ago

London/Sussex/Surrey/Berks/Hants

Why do dwarves laugh when they play football?

Because the grass tickles their bollocks.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

Dr Dr I feel like a pair of curtains... Dr.. Pull yourself together

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *asisfan25 OP Man
44 weeks ago

Essex

Are you glove? Cause

I’d love to stick some fingers in you

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
44 weeks ago

Willenhall

I've just received an email that says if I click on the link I'll be able to read maps backwards.

I think it's spam...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ild_oatsMan
44 weeks ago

the land of saints & sinners

Knock Knock…

Who’s there?

Orange

Orange who?

Knock Knock…

Who’s there?

Orange

Orange who?

Knock Knock…

Who’s there?

Orange

Orange who?

Knock Knock…

Who’s there?

Aunt

Aunt who?

Aren’t you glad I didn’t say Orange?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hat.coupleCouple
44 weeks ago

Dartford

My favourite jokes.

2 cows in a field, one says "moo!"

, the other ones says "I was just about to say that!"

2 cows in a field, one says "here, you heard about that mad cows disease?" The other replies " don't affect me I'm a squirrel"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ascaIMan
44 weeks ago

Cheshire Liverpool Manchester

My mother died when we couldn't remember her blood type. She repeatedly told us be positive, but it's hard without her

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

[Removed by poster at 08/03/24 07:29:18]

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

What do you call a dinosaur that loves anal ?

Megasaur-ass

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *onameyet2Man
44 weeks ago

chorley

"Why do scuba divers roll backwards of the boat?

Coz if they roll fwd they are still in the boat! "

Absolutely the best, pissed myself

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *onameyet2Man
44 weeks ago

chorley

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur

Lickalotopuss

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

"Doctor, I think I'm a moth."

"I'm afraid I can't help. You need to see a therapist"

"I'm on my way there now but as I came past I saw your light was on"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

A day or two before my girlfriends birthday I was on the laptop scrolling through ...

"What ya doing?" She asked..

"I'm just looking at some flights for your present" I replied

A second later she says "this is why I love you, always surprising me" she got under the desk unzipped my flies and gave me the best blow job ever..

I was really surprised as shes never been interested in darts before

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *weet and SpiceCouple
44 weeks ago

Around the Midlands

What's the difference between a genealogist and gynaecologist?

The genealogist looks up the family tree. The gynaecologist looks up the family bush

What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *enk15Man
44 weeks ago

Evesham

Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?

She just couldn’t take it any longer.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

Patient: Doctor Doctor I keep stealing chairs.

Doctor: Well take a seat.

Patient: Doctor Doctor I feel like a needle.

Doctor: Get to point.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ourtney CocksWoman
44 weeks ago

Cardiff

"Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?

She just couldn’t take it any longer."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

What has 5 toes but isn’t your foot?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

My foot.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

Why do they call wonderbras, wonderbras?

When they come off, guys wonder where they've gone!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *asisfan25 OP Man
44 weeks ago

Essex

What’s worse than 2 girls running with scissors? 2 girls scissoring with the runs.

WHAT A SHIT JOKE

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aul DeUther-OneMan
44 weeks ago

Sussex

My pet dog, Minton, repeatedly chews on my lightweight racket and shuttlecocks...

Bad Minton!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
44 weeks ago

BRIDPORT

What do you get if you cross a can of baked beans with a well known lubricant.

WD Farty

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

Why wasn’t boy George allowed in the lizard enclosure?

Because he’d Cuma-cuma-cuma-cuma-cuma-on the chameleon

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ushandkittyCouple
44 weeks ago

Gloucester

Pronunciation has never been my forty!!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
44 weeks ago

"What’s the difference between an enzyme & a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme

lol"

Try not paying her

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
43 weeks ago

Willenhall

I was looking at a jacket in a shop earlier and the sales woman asked me if I'd like to try it on.

So I told her she had nice tits...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
43 weeks ago

Willenhall

My grandfather was a lovely man; he could never bring himself to throw anything away.

Which probably explains why he died during the second world war holding a hand grenade...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
43 weeks ago

Willenhall

I had an awesome threesome last night.

I used both hands...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *uffymayfairCouple
43 weeks ago

vera playa, Almeria

My wife keeps covering me in ronseal every night before bed

Frankly I'm not happy with the way I'm being treated

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oding1Man
43 weeks ago

marlow

The man who invented spell check has died.

May he rust in piss

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *TG3Man
43 weeks ago

Dorchester

I had sex in a lift it was wrong on so many levels

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hedark_knightMan
43 weeks ago

Edinburgh

If you lose 25% of your roof, how much of it do you have left? “oof”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rRiosMan
43 weeks ago

dublin

"I often use words I don’t understand just to sound more osmosis."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rRiosMan
43 weeks ago

dublin

"Pronunciation has never been my forty!!!"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *carlett!Woman
43 weeks ago

Some of these jokes are hilarious lol following

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
43 weeks ago

Willenhall

I recently ended a 20 year relationship.

I'm not upset though...

It wasn't mine.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
43 weeks ago

[Removed by poster at 16/03/24 03:37:31]

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
43 weeks ago

"[Removed by poster at 16/03/24 03:36:59]"

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flat mate

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aul DeUther-OneMan
42 weeks ago

Sussex

What has 5 toes, but isn't your foot?

..... my foot!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *urnedoutniceagainMan
42 weeks ago

louth

Young lad starts a job at the zoo. The head keeper says” I’ll start you off easy so go and feed the bees”. Shortly after the lad comes back and says “the bees are all dead “. The head keeper says” ok dont worry mush them up and feed them to the finches”. Shortly after the lad comes back and says “ the finches are all dead”. The head keeper sighs and says “ ok scoop everything up and feed it to the chimps” shortly after the young lad comes back, the head keeper says “ don’t tell me , the chimps are all dead?!” “Yes they are” says the young lad. The head keeper says “ right scoop everything up and give it to the tigers “ the young lad scoops everything up and tips it on the tiger enclosure. One tiger turns to the other and says “what do you think that is?” The other replies “ looks like finch,chimps and mushy bees”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *abtastic Mr FoxMan
42 weeks ago

A den in the Glen

A guy goes to the doctor and tells the doc that he has a smelly orange cock. The doctor asks him to pull down his Y fronts. Sure enough, an orange cock and there is an odour of cheese.

"Well I've never seen a phallus like this before" said the doctor.

The doctor looks concerned and asks if he is sexually active. Has he had an STI? The man explains that he has not had sex in years.

He asks if he wears tight underwear and if his personal hygiene is good. The man explains he showers twice a day and his pants are loose.

The doc then informs the young man that he believes that it is probably stress related and asks him if he has a stressful job.

The man looks sheepish and informs the doctor that he just sits in his office, watches the Fab 'hot videos' and eats Wotsits

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *7pete27Man
42 weeks ago

plymouth

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?? A lickalotofpuss

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hristopherd999Man
42 weeks ago

Brentwood

"Why did hitler kill himself??

Saw his gas bill "

inappropriate

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *urnedoutniceagainMan
42 weeks ago

louth

"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?? A lickalotofpuss "

Could it not be a male dinosaur?!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
42 weeks ago

Willenhall

My last meet had me throwing up.

She glued my dartboard to the ceiling...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *VineMan
42 weeks ago

The right place

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ad HardcoreMan
42 weeks ago

A Chippy Near You...

What do you call a lesbian vegan?

A vagitarian

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
42 weeks ago

1 in 10 men don't agree with same sex gangbang

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *elshcouple18Couple
42 weeks ago

Cardiff

Whats green has 6 legs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A snooker table. Ill get my coat!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *asisfan25 OP Man
42 weeks ago

Essex

What's worse than two girls running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ad HardcoreMan
42 weeks ago

A Chippy Near You...

"What's worse than two girls running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs."

OP, think I've just been a wee bit sick in my own mouth

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oding1Man
42 weeks ago

marlow

All mushrooms are edible..

..........................

Some only once!@!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *asisfan25 OP Man
42 weeks ago

Essex

"What's worse than two girls running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

OP, think I've just been a wee bit sick in my own mouth

"
haha it’s been around for years makes me feel a bit sick and laugh at the same time

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ad HardcoreMan
42 weeks ago

A Chippy Near You...

Where's the vomit emoji Fab?!?

Think we're gonna need it

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *vbride1963TV/TS
42 weeks ago

E.K . Glasgow

"Where's the vomit emoji Fab?!?

Think we're gonna need it

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hrek101Man
42 weeks ago

Herts

"I often use words I don’t understand just to sound more osmosis."

this is my favourite so far

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *smith87Man
42 weeks ago

totton

What's the difference between a landdrover and a hedgehog? The hedgehog has the pricks on the outside

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ad HardcoreMan
42 weeks ago

A Chippy Near You...

"I often use words I don’t understand just to sound more osmosis.

this is my favourite so far "

What the fcuk does OSMOSIS mean?!?

Oh. Sorry. That's the point right?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
41 weeks ago

Willenhall

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Biggish

Biggish who?

Oh fuck off, you can't be homeless if I'm knocking your door...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ereforgigglesMan
41 weeks ago

Scotland

How do non binary people kill others?

They slash them

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
41 weeks ago

Willenhall

"How do non binary people kill others?

They slash them"

There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those that understand binary, and those who do not.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ereforgigglesMan
41 weeks ago

Scotland

"How do non binary people kill others?

They slash them

There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those that understand binary, and those who do not. "

Badoom tish!...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ormalfornorfolkMan
41 weeks ago

Norwich

"Science facts make me numb.

Maths facts make me number. "

Lucky Amanda!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
41 weeks ago

Willenhall

"How do non binary people kill others?

They slash them

There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those that understand binary, and those who do not.

Badoom tish!..."

I think it's wasted here. That's why I mostly stick to the puerile stuff

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ereforgigglesMan
41 weeks ago

Scotland

"How do non binary people kill others?

They slash them

There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those that understand binary, and those who do not.

Badoom tish!...

I think it's wasted here. That's why I mostly stick to the puerile stuff

Made me laugh (for what that's worth)

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ad HardcoreMan
41 weeks ago

A Chippy Near You...

"How do non binary people kill others?

They slash them"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
41 weeks ago

Willenhall

I keep shouting the name of castles.

I think I've got Turrets...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aul DeUther-OneMan
41 weeks ago

Sussex

It's 1969, Jim Morrison, Ray Manzarek, Robby Krieger and John Densmore, are back stage getting getting oral sex from some groupies.

Into the dressing room walk Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Bill Wyman and Charlie Watts. The eager groupies immediately begin to give head to the other 4 when Michael Caine enters the room.

As soon as he sees what's happening, Michael Caine angrily shouts to the 4 kneeling groupies:

"YOU WERE ONLY S'POSED TA BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF!"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eneralKenobiMan
41 weeks ago

North Angus

“They call my fanny the lotto as you have to be lucky to hit it”

I thought it was because you were always scratching it

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
40 weeks ago

Willenhall

I've developed a troubling habit of sitting next to someone, putting my hand on their knee then asking them deeply personal questions.

I think I've got Parkinson's...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
40 weeks ago

What noise does a mushroom car make?

Shroooooooom!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
40 weeks ago

What do you call a female astronaut?

An astronaut you bloody sexist

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *reeneggsandsamMan
40 weeks ago

Perpignan and cap

Sterility is hereditary.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eavenNhellCouple
40 weeks ago

carrbrook stalybridge

Two clowns getting divorced

Will end in a custardy battle

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
40 weeks ago

Willenhall

A very tall man asked me for directions today.

I thought he looked like a goalkeeper so I sent him the wrong way.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *amhorniestMan
40 weeks ago

Surrey

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers in a V sign and says...5 beers please

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
39 weeks ago

Some vegetarian girl said she recognised me earlier today.......... but I've never seen herbivore

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aul DeUther-OneMan
39 weeks ago

Sussex

Two cows standing in a field.

First cow goes:MooOOOoo.

Second cows goes:

Wow, I was just about to say that.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *uctifanoWoman
39 weeks ago

Glasgow

I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high… she looked surprised

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ltmeeMan
39 weeks ago

wrexham

Ordered some chairs to the office. They still haven't arrived. I wouldn't stand for that.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ongue tastikMan
39 weeks ago

Chorley

What do u call a german virgin ?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
39 weeks ago

What do you buy a princess who has everything?

A seatbelt and a airbag.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ongue tastikMan
39 weeks ago

Chorley

Fitz nice and tight

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aul DeUther-OneMan
38 weeks ago

Sussex

Why do elephants have big ears?.....

Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

The man who wrote the hokie kokie died last week.

His funeral was a mess.

Couldn't get him in the coffin.

They put his left leg in...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
38 weeks ago

What's brown and sticky

A stick

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eacupsbearCouple
38 weeks ago

York

I found out that my cat is terrified of trees...

Must be the bark

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *untimes wantedMan
38 weeks ago

Huddersfield

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, "Change your course, 10 degrees west."

The light signals back, "Change yours,10 degrees east."

The captain gets a little annoyed.? He signals, "I’m a US Navy captain.? You must change your course, sir."

The light signals back, "I’m a Seaman First Class.? You must change your course, sir."

Now the captain is mad.? He signals, "I’m an aircraft carrier.? I’m not changing my course."

The light signals back a final message: "I’m a lighthouse.? Your call."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *iddlesticksMan
38 weeks ago

My nan’s spare room.

I’ve got a job looking after horses, it’s nice to have a stable income.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ickD38Man
38 weeks ago

Preston

My Auntie Marge has been ill for so long we've changed her name to I Can't Believe She's Not Better

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *amera man 25Man
38 weeks ago

Honley Huddersfield

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aul DeUther-OneMan
37 weeks ago

Sussex

Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

First parrot turns to the second and says

Am I the only one who can smell fish?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *arley QuimWoman
37 weeks ago

Somewhere

What's the hardest thing to do in the world?

Milk, chocolate digestives

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eardedbloke300Man
37 weeks ago

cardiff

Hear about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic?

Would lie awake wondering if there was a dog.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *illan-KillashMan
37 weeks ago

London/Sussex/Surrey/Berks/Hants

I've just sold my homing pigeon on ebay for the 27th time.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
37 weeks ago

I was surprised that Hawaii have banned laughing out loud (lol) as they prefer a low ha.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
37 weeks ago

Heard about the dyslexic pimp?

He opened a WHaRE HOUSE...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
37 weeks ago

In your end oh’

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aters139Man
37 weeks ago

Sheffield

From the harry hill book of jokes...

'What do you say to a mexican who is stealing your cheese?'

"Nacho cheese"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
37 weeks ago

Willenhall

"In your end oh’"

I heard The Innuendo Society has seen a huge rise in it's members.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rgasmatron1970Man
37 weeks ago

Bromley

Had a really bad asthma attack last night.

Got jumped by 4 of the bastards

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
37 weeks ago

Willenhall

Binfluencer (noun): A person who puts the right bin out on the right day, letting everyone else on the street know which bin to take out. Particularly useful over Christmas and New Year when no one knows what fucking day it is.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
37 weeks ago

What does a sprinter eat before a run?

Nothing, they fast.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By * and M lookingCouple
37 weeks ago

Worcester

My friend rang me and asked “what do you know about Shetland ponies?”

I replied “very little”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *illan-KillashMan
37 weeks ago

London/Sussex/Surrey/Berks/Hants

My favourite thing in the whole world is windmills.

Big fan......

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *amhorniestMan
37 weeks ago

Surrey

Two cannibals eating a clown,

One says to the other... does this taste funny to you.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
37 weeks ago

Old Chinese proverbs

Man who run in front of car get tired

Man who run behind car get exhausted

Man who live in glasshouse get dressed in basement

Man who walk sideways through airport tutnstile going to Bangkok

War does not determine who is right, just who is left.

Life is like a bed of Roses, just watch out for the Pricks.

To all Virgins thanks for nothing

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
37 weeks ago

My favourite saying is " it's going down like a fat kid on a seesaw "

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
37 weeks ago

Willenhall

Who would like to see a puppet show without the puppets?

Let's see a show of hands...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
37 weeks ago

All the mushroom jokes…

Personal favourite is:

What noise does a mushroom car make…. Shroooooooom!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hepherdsbush29Man
37 weeks ago

shepherds bush

Where do you find your dog with no legs? Well I dunno.. probs where you left.. I mean it’s your dog.. and it hasn’t got any legs so it ain’t getting far

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
37 weeks ago

Man and wife at bus stop wife says that bloke opposite us at the other bus stop looks like the Archbishop, go ask him ,hubby does what he's told comes back wife asked well was it hubby says he TOLD ME TO FUCK OFF then wife says guess we never no then .

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
37 weeks ago

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ripfillMan
37 weeks ago

Paris, New York, Hong Kong and Havant

Stainless steel sinks

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *isaSlutFaceCouple
37 weeks ago

Solihull

Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *illan-KillashMan
37 weeks ago

London/Sussex/Surrey/Berks/Hants

Visited the Vagina museum with the other half, but somehow we got separated, had to text her to find where she was....

Me, where are you babe, lost you, what section are you in?

Her, wandering around, meet me in the clitoris

Me,

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eavenNhellCouple
37 weeks ago

carrbrook stalybridge

A retired RAF engineer and his wife moved to a new town, and he found a pub to drink in. The first night in there, he bought three pints, and sat at a table in the corner. He sipped from each pint in turn, until he'd finished them. After he'd finished them he went back to the bar and ordered another three pints. "If you don't mind me saying" the landlord said, "if you buy beers one at a time, they'll be much fresher." "Can't do that" he said, "myself and two mates went through service together for twenty years, and all retired at the same time. We always went drinking together, so agreed that when we'd retired and went different ways, we'd always drink like this, so we'd remember each other." The landlord nodded understanding and with time the ex-engineer became well known and popular in the pub, but he always bought three pints at a time, occasionally three whiskies at a time. Then one day he came into the pub, and ordered TWO pints. The whole pub went silent. The landlord was the first to speak, "hey, mate, we're all really sorry about the loss of your friend." Everybody looked on in sympathy. At first the engineer just looked confused, then he worked out what was wrong and grinned. "Oh, don't worry - my Air Force mates are absolutely fine. The Doctor has told me that I have to stop drinking for my health. But, that's just me, it doesn't affect my friends."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *amera man 25Man
34 weeks ago

Honley Huddersfield

A man walks into a bar and asks for an innuendo, so the barman gave him one!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ushandkittyCouple
34 weeks ago

Gloucester

I heard that the recent Irish lumberjacks association AGM was a waste of time, only tree fellers turned up!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aul DeUther-OneMan
33 weeks ago

Sussex

Saw a feller running up to people in the street and shouting his name as NBAG!

he was BANG out of order

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eavenNhellCouple
33 weeks ago

carrbrook stalybridge

Nasa are to launch a new rocket into deep space with multi lingual messages saying sorry to any aliens who encounter it .

To be named Appolo G

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
33 weeks ago

Willenhall

At this time of year, burning damp leaves can be very annoying for your neighbours.

Parking across their driveway is another good tip.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
33 weeks ago

"Why did hitler kill himself??

Saw his gas bill "

Oooft. That's a bad one..

But offensive jokes are like kids with cancer; they never get old.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ittlemissFlirtyCouple
33 weeks ago

Southampton

I was walking down the road when someone threw a block of cheddar cheese at me.. I thought " that's not very mature " ...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oalie66Man
33 weeks ago

Chesterfield

I got thrown out of KFC last night.

I only asked for a leg & a wing.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *nkedguy777Man
33 weeks ago

Manchester

Is that a mirror in your knickers?

Because I can see myself in there later

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rgasmatron1970Man
33 weeks ago

Bromley

Two dyslexic's run into a bank and shout:

Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
33 weeks ago

"Two clowns getting divorced

Will end in a custardy battle

Divorce court in Disneyland. The judge tells Mickey, "You can't divorce Minnie just because she's got crooked teeth".

"That's not what I said", he squeaked. "I said she's fucking Goofy"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *till gameMan
33 weeks ago

Oldham

"Two clowns getting divorced

Will end in a custardy battle

Divorce court in Disneyland. The judge tells Mickey, "You can't divorce Minnie just because she's got crooked teeth".

"That's not what I said", he squeaked. "I said she's fucking Goofy""

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *veenBeeTV/TS
33 weeks ago

Winchester

I named my dog awesome so I can say I'm fucking awesome

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eavenNhellCouple
32 weeks ago

carrbrook stalybridge

Vincent Price was older than Alan Price and taller than Katie Price.

According to a price comparison website.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eard and TattsCouple
32 weeks ago

Cwmbran

Why does Edward woodwood have so many D's in his name?

Because he'd be called Ewar Woowoo otherwise

I dunno why that joke still kills me after 35 years

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

"I recently ended a 20 year relationship.

I'm not upset though...

It wasn't mine."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *arley QuimWoman
32 weeks ago

Somewhere

I crashed into the back of a dwarf's car...

He got out, looked at the damage and said "I'm not happy". So I replied " Which one are you then?"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ripfillMan
32 weeks ago

Paris, New York, Hong Kong and Havant

Stainless steel sinks !

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

Just been to the hospital

Visiting poor Uncle Jim

Cos somebody threw a tomato at him

Now tomatoes are juicy and don't hurt the skin

But this fucker did, it was still in the tin

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *inkyAlchemyCouple
32 weeks ago

Corby

Why did the little girl drop her ice cream?

She got hit by a bus.

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms

Knock knock - who's there?

Not the little girl

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *agatoXXXMan
32 weeks ago

Gone and completely forgotten.

I thought this thread was for jokes?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
32 weeks ago

I wasn't close to my dad when he died, which was lucky as he stood on a landmine.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ew couple4youCouple
32 weeks ago

Glasgow

What do you call a priest with no legs.

A creepy crawly

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ango and gashCouple
32 weeks ago

bilston

What do you call a fly with no wings ,,,,,,A walk ,

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *tylebender03Man
32 weeks ago

Manchester

Favourite Pun is Big Pun

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ft seniorMan
32 weeks ago

south West

"Vincent Price was older than Alan Price and taller than Katie Price.

According to a price comparison website."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eavenNhellCouple
32 weeks ago

carrbrook stalybridge

What goes zub zub zub ?

A bee flying backwards

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ft seniorMan
32 weeks ago

south West

"I found out that my cat is terrified of trees...

Must be the bark

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately