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Fetishisation

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
43 weeks ago

Obviously as a Black person on fab I’ve had messages treating me as a fetish or a tick off a bucket list. And I suspect many other groups on here have experienced the same. Following a conversation I’d love to get thoughts on, I suppose, just dealing with this? Obviously you can’t filter it but how do you stop it impacting your worth?

Personally I can pretty strong in my feelings about my racial/ ethnic identity and I know that I’m worth more and I am more desirable than these people make me feel. Is it just a process for you? Let’s talk about it.

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By *B KINGSCouple (MM)
43 weeks ago

South

Interesting & thought provoking topic

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By *eroLondonMan
43 weeks ago

Covent Garden

Wait... you're ?låck??

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By *ymAndIcedCoffeeWoman
43 weeks ago

Worcester

I think bisexual women get it a bit, but not as much as black men. I generally won’t meet people who use very stereotyping terms such as unicorn, bbc, bwc, ebony, etc.

I get that some people embrace those terms, and that’s up to them. But those kinds of terms make me uncomfortable and it’s not the kind of discomfort I’m prepared to sit with.

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By (user no longer on site)
43 weeks ago

I really relate to this, it’s so hard sometimes trying to work out your feelings about being fetishised. On the one hand everyone does have preferences and can’t be attracted to a certain type but on the other, when you stop being a person in your right and start becoming that thing that you’re being fetishised for?

Do you turn away anyone who states they are looking for your demographic or is that cutting your nose off to spite your face?

The obvious answer is to take each case on its own merits but in practise it’s not so easy as that. I suppose as you have done here, talking about it is the first step to raise awareness and generally being sensitive to it perhaps ?

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
43 weeks ago

Reading

As a big woman and older I know I am a tick box for some. I think I would feel it more keenly if it was based on my skin colour.

I wish I had a solution for you other than ignoring it. You are so much more than your skin colour and anyone who doesn't see this are not worthy of you anyway.

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By *JandJJCouple
43 weeks ago

Nuneaton


"Obviously as a Black person on fab I’ve had messages treating me as a fetish or a tick off a bucket list. And I suspect many other groups on here have experienced the same. Following a conversation I’d love to get thoughts on, I suppose, just dealing with this? Obviously you can’t filter it but how do you stop it impacting your worth?

Personally I can pretty strong in my feelings about my racial/ ethnic identity and I know that I’m worth more and I am more desirable than these people make me feel. Is it just a process for you? Let’s talk about it. "

Sadly at least 50% of the people on here behave in a bad way that they would never behave face to face.

They think because you are on a site that involves sex they are entitled to ignore you as a person, and totally ignore your profile.

The best thing we can say is remember that these people are idiots and they are not worth thinking or stressing about.

You know what you are worth Mr P., and decent people will think the same.

A site like this, full of anonymous people, can easily get you down.

But in reality these people have no idea of the real you.

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By *ittlebirdWoman
43 weeks ago

The Big Smoke

If someone treats me as a tick box I tell them to go tick someone else’s box

Zero fucks given obviously

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By (user no longer on site)
43 weeks ago

Firstly I think there’s a difference between a kink and a like or a fetish or being objectified

A fetish is something you need to have for sexual gratification

Anyway….its all about how you describe yourself for me.

I am heavily tattooed so if I focus on that in my profile then I am asking or hoping people who like that will contact me and then can’t moan if I feel objectified because of it.

If someone focuses on that point solely then I would raise a question if that’s all they saw me as and then it’s my choice.

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By *mf123Man
43 weeks ago

with one foot out the door

I hate being hounded for being the worlds greatest fuck im not just that

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
43 weeks ago

Carlisle usually

Generally I just say I don't care to deal with fetishes and delete it.

I know I'm a whole person. Random people may not appreciate me for all that I am, but then I don't appreciate them either.

The people that matter are the ones that matter. Don't let the rest affect you

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By *adCherriesCouple
43 weeks ago

Cheshire/Northwest

Many people fetishise themselves. Ive seen countless threads/profiles where people describe themselves as a BBW, BBC,etc. At the end of the day everyone as a choice with whom they engage with on here and if you dont like something in particular then just avoid/ignore it.

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
43 weeks ago

Cheeseville, Somerset


"If someone treats me as a tick box I tell them to go tick someone else’s box

Zero fucks given obviously "

I get the OP completely and it's always been the case when it comes to sex.

People often join sites like these to experience things they can't in their existing sex lives, whether that's down to skin colour, dick size, sexuality, age, body shape, boob size or whatever.

Many don't consider that they're effectively fetishising someone and looking to use them for fantasy fulfilment and that's where the lines blur in terms of treating them as an equal human being and seeing them as a means to an end.

Of course some are fully capable of engaging with others that suit their specific preferences in a decent, respectful manner, treating them as 'normal people' and looking at them as an equally important part of any activities with their own wants, needs and desires.

Then there's others who think they should be grateful for an invite into their sex life and that they should jump through hoops in order to do so.

Spotting the difference between a fetish and a preference can be hard sometimes. The key is to know your own worth, not bow to ridiculous requests and to communicate properly.

There's nothing wrong with individual tastes and preferences. There's a lot wrong with treating someone as a piece of meat to get your thrills.

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By *aith SkynbyrdWoman
43 weeks ago

Somewhere else

There are two ways I deal with being fetishised:

a) ignore it and them as well or

b) lean into it, play along for awhile and see just how far they’ll go.

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By *iss_Juicy79Woman
43 weeks ago

Edinburgh

I get how you feel in a way some people fetishise large women calling them bbw ssbbw etc. Personally I don't like those terms so I tend to ignore those messages.

Tou are gonna get that sort of attention on any site like this or fetish site unfortunately best thing is to ignore it that works out well for me

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By (user no longer on site)
43 weeks ago

White privileged. No one in a white majority country picks me for my race

When I travelled Asia, they did. And I liked it because I was basically on holiday. It was new and exciting. So that doesn’t count

I’ve always thought it must suck to be black and everyone just assumes you have a huge knob. Especially if you don’t.

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By *aith SkynbyrdWoman
43 weeks ago

Somewhere else


"If someone treats me as a tick box I tell them to go tick someone else’s box

Zero fucks given obviously

I get the OP completely and it's always been the case when it comes to sex.

People often join sites like these to experience things they can't in their existing sex lives, whether that's down to skin colour, dick size, sexuality, age, body shape, boob size or whatever.

Many don't consider that they're effectively fetishising someone and looking to use them for fantasy fulfilment and that's where the lines blur in terms of treating them as an equal human being and seeing them as a means to an end.

Of course some are fully capable of engaging with others that suit their specific preferences in a decent, respectful manner, treating them as 'normal people' and looking at them as an equally important part of any activities with their own wants, needs and desires.

Then there's others who think they should be grateful for an invite into their sex life and that they should jump through hoops in order to do so.

Spotting the difference between a fetish and a preference can be hard sometimes. The key is to know your own worth, not bow to ridiculous requests and to communicate properly.

There's nothing wrong with individual tastes and preferences. There's a lot wrong with treating someone as a piece of meat to get your thrills. "

I agree with all of this

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By *aith SkynbyrdWoman
43 weeks ago

Somewhere else


"I get how you feel in a way some people fetishise large women calling them bbw ssbbw etc. Personally I don't like those terms so I tend to ignore those messages.

Tou are gonna get that sort of attention on any site like this or fetish site unfortunately best thing is to ignore it that works out well for me "

I’ve never heard ssbbw but if it means what I think it means… oh dear.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
43 weeks ago


"Wait... you're ?låck?? "

6LACK and me never been seen in the same room.

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By *lasphemousGirlWoman
43 weeks ago

Cambs

I've definitely been treated like a fetish or box to tick for being a goth. I absolutely hate being reduced to one small part of who I am so I totally get where you're coming from OP.

Great topic to discuss, some interesting opinions here xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
43 weeks ago


"White privileged. No one in a white majority country picks me for my race

When I travelled Asia, they did. And I liked it because I was basically on holiday. It was new and exciting. So that doesn’t count

I’ve always thought it must suck to be black and everyone just assumes you have a huge knob. Especially if you don’t. "

You’ll never get it so don’t overthink it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
43 weeks ago


"I get how you feel in a way some people fetishise large women calling them bbw ssbbw etc. Personally I don't like those terms so I tend to ignore those messages.

Tou are gonna get that sort of attention on any site like this or fetish site unfortunately best thing is to ignore it that works out well for me "

The bbw &ssbbw terms are two that I thought of specifically. Like the ‘I’d love to be with a bbw’ types of messages

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
43 weeks ago

Reading


"I get how you feel in a way some people fetishise large women calling them bbw ssbbw etc. Personally I don't like those terms so I tend to ignore those messages.

Tou are gonna get that sort of attention on any site like this or fetish site unfortunately best thing is to ignore it that works out well for me

I’ve never heard ssbbw but if it means what I think it means… oh dear."

supersized

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By *emorefridaCouple
43 weeks ago

La la land

Hey OP this is an interesting question.

From my own perspective my own use of the site has changed. Due to threads you and others post. It's opened my eyes how much people fetishise certain attributes. And I can see the grey areas where it's ok to use cliches e.g. about redheads. So I can see why some people may think it's ok to use other clichés surrounding race for example. So I now do not comment on Redhead threads, because I don't think I should perpetuate the notion that its ok to fetishise people.

I think people will on a site like this reduce people to their physical characteristics. Be it skin colour, BBW, big boobs the list goes on. And it can make you feel like other things you valve about yourself aren't important. But then I have to remind myself that it is then who are superficial not me. And those kind of people aren't for me. Yes of course I want to viewed as attractive but as a whole person.

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
43 weeks ago

North East Scotland, mostly

It's about them, not you. I agree with Obi, many come to fab to experience things out of their sexual norm and therefore it does become a tick box exercise for them. Doesn't mean you have to give them the time of day, though. It's just another measure of incompatibility for me.

Mrs TMN x

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By *aith SkynbyrdWoman
43 weeks ago

Somewhere else


"I get how you feel in a way some people fetishise large women calling them bbw ssbbw etc. Personally I don't like those terms so I tend to ignore those messages.

Tou are gonna get that sort of attention on any site like this or fetish site unfortunately best thing is to ignore it that works out well for me

I’ve never heard ssbbw but if it means what I think it means… oh dear.

supersized

"

That’s what I thought it might mean. Yikes.

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By *esthetic21Man
43 weeks ago

Birmingham/Bristol

Take no notice as you said you know your worth and someone's inability to see it does not make it go down

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By (user no longer on site)
43 weeks ago

I'm not a massive fan of the idea of wanting sex with people for one particular characteristic because at it's worst, it's dehumanising as fuck. Preferences are fine, but you have to like them as a person which I like is where that difference lies.

If we take your example of being black, I hate profiles that state BBC only, however, I also know some male profiles who use it as a way to market themselves to others and it's not my place to say that they shouldn't do that if all parties are consenting, especially with how hard it can be for guys already on here.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
43 weeks ago


"If someone treats me as a tick box I tell them to go tick someone else’s box

Zero fucks given obviously

I get the OP completely and it's always been the case when it comes to sex.

People often join sites like these to experience things they can't in their existing sex lives, whether that's down to skin colour, dick size, sexuality, age, body shape, boob size or whatever.

Many don't consider that they're effectively fetishising someone and looking to use them for fantasy fulfilment and that's where the lines blur in terms of treating them as an equal human being and seeing them as a means to an end.

Of course some are fully capable of engaging with others that suit their specific preferences in a decent, respectful manner, treating them as 'normal people' and looking at them as an equally important part of any activities with their own wants, needs and desires.

Then there's others who think they should be grateful for an invite into their sex life and that they should jump through hoops in order to do so.

Spotting the difference between a fetish and a preference can be hard sometimes. The key is to know your own worth, not bow to ridiculous requests and to communicate properly.

There's nothing wrong with individual tastes and preferences. There's a lot wrong with treating someone as a piece of meat to get your thrills. "

Essentially yeah. The line is thin. I’m attractive because I’m attractive. Not because I’m Black or because I am black and have a bigger then average penis. Calling people BBC is the biggest irk of mine. It’s different to say calling someone a bbw in the sense that bbw includes woman. My biggest irk to read is people that use bbc as a synonym for black man.

But this thread wasn’t inspired by me or race for one

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By (user no longer on site)
43 weeks ago

The closest I've come is being described as a unicorn /living sex toy for a couple.. Its dehumanising and not very nice

I think a lot of people on the site are a bit like overexcited puppies, unable to control themselves and end up pissing everywhere

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By *a LunaWoman
43 weeks ago

South Wales

Constantly batting off men who have a fetish for tall fat women with hairy armpits.

For the love of god men! Leave me alone!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
43 weeks ago


"Hey OP this is an interesting question.

From my own perspective my own use of the site has changed. Due to threads you and others post. It's opened my eyes how much people fetishise certain attributes. And I can see the grey areas where it's ok to use cliches e.g. about redheads. So I can see why some people may think it's ok to use other clichés surrounding race for example. So I now do not comment on Redhead threads, because I don't think I should perpetuate the notion that its ok to fetishise people.

I think people will on a site like this reduce people to their physical characteristics. Be it skin colour, BBW, big boobs the list goes on. And it can make you feel like other things you valve about yourself aren't important. But then I have to remind myself that it is then who are superficial not me. And those kind of people aren't for me. Yes of course I want to viewed as attractive but as a whole person.

"

That last sentence!!!

Also I have never understood being attracted to a hair colour. Not to diminish that as an attraction for people I just haven’t. Especially because it can and does change. But yeah, because people do it, I can imagine it’s something where people being obsessed over that one feature. And don’t value you as a whole, beautiful person.

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By *iltsTSgirlTV/TS
43 weeks ago

chichester

As a trans woman I get fetishised most of the time by women / men from hook up sites like fab .

I just view them simply as a fuck and then discard them and move on .. I get it being a busty / soft skinned / fairly pretty looking chick with a dick is a tickbox for sexual fantasies , means they are not really overly interested me as a person but more what I can physically offer .

I find it amusing that when you flip it back and reverse them to just a notch mark they get bent out of shape with feeling used / shit .

To a degree we all fetishise people in some fashions just some are subtle / non impactful with it and others are blatant about it .

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
43 weeks ago


"Constantly batting off men who have a fetish for tall fat women with hairy armpits.

For the love of god men! Leave me alone!

"

I think body hair may be one

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By *ymAndIcedCoffeeWoman
43 weeks ago

Worcester


"

If we take your example of being black, I hate profiles that state BBC only, however, I also know some male profiles who use it as a way to

market themselves to others and it's not my place to say that they shouldn't do that if all parties are consenting, especially with how hard it can be for guys already on here."

When women use terms to define themselves in a way that is rooted in sexism we say that they have internalized misogyny.

I’d be interested to read literature about if we can say the same thing about internalized racism/xenophobia.

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By (user no longer on site)
43 weeks ago

I’m an older man for women soon. I can’t wait!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
43 weeks ago


"

If we take your example of being black, I hate profiles that state BBC only, however, I also know some male profiles who use it as a way to

market themselves to others and it's not my place to say that they shouldn't do that if all parties are consenting, especially with how hard it can be for guys already on here.

When women use terms to define themselves in a way that is rooted in sexism we say that they have internalized misogyny.

I’d be interested to read literature about if we can say the same thing about internalized racism/xenophobia.

"

I'd never heard of the use of internalised misogyny/racism etc before but it wouldn't surprise if that did happen. How would you view those who use the terms to "own" or "take the power back"? Where would the line be?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
43 weeks ago


"

If we take your example of being black, I hate profiles that state BBC only, however, I also know some male profiles who use it as a way to

market themselves to others and it's not my place to say that they shouldn't do that if all parties are consenting, especially with how hard it can be for guys already on here.

When women use terms to define themselves in a way that is rooted in sexism we say that they have internalized misogyny.

I’d be interested to read literature about if we can say the same thing about internalized racism/xenophobia.

I'd never heard of the use of internalised misogyny/racism etc before but it wouldn't surprise if that did happen. How would you view those who use the terms to "own" or "take the power back"? Where would the line be?"

Oh internalised anti blackness is a term I’ve heard used often. I grew up and my secondary school was majority Black. There’s other (American) terms used to describe people with that kind of self hatred but I don’t want anyone on my back for being the messenger.

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By *weetCherryWoman
43 weeks ago

London

I have indeed, both as a bisexual woman and a “BBW”, god knows I hate that term

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By *ymAndIcedCoffeeWoman
43 weeks ago

Worcester


"

If we take your example of being black, I hate profiles that state BBC only, however, I also know some male profiles who use it as a way to

market themselves to others and it's not my place to say that they shouldn't do that if all parties are consenting, especially with how hard it can be for guys already on here.

When women use terms to define themselves in a way that is rooted in sexism we say that they have internalized misogyny.

I’d be interested to read literature about if we can say the same thing about internalized racism/xenophobia.

I'd never heard of the use of internalised misogyny/racism etc before but it wouldn't surprise if that did happen. How would you view those who use the terms to "own" or "take the power back"? Where would the line be?"

Yeah that’s tricky isn’t it, because it relies on people’s internal knowledge and political stance.

There have been movements to reclaim words. Personally I don’t have any desire to “reclaim” words that have caused me trauma in the past (and have cost me expensive therapy). Like I’ll never identify as queer, or as a slut. Those are words that I feel can never shake their homophobic/misogynistic backgrounds.

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By *ymAndIcedCoffeeWoman
43 weeks ago

Worcester


"

If we take your example of being black, I hate profiles that state BBC only, however, I also know some male profiles who use it as a way to

market themselves to others and it's not my place to say that they shouldn't do that if all parties are consenting, especially with how hard it can be for guys already on here.

When women use terms to define themselves in a way that is rooted in sexism we say that they have internalized misogyny.

I’d be interested to read literature about if we can say the same thing about internalized racism/xenophobia.

I'd never heard of the use of internalised misogyny/racism etc before but it wouldn't surprise if that did happen. How would you view those who use the terms to "own" or "take the power back"? Where would the line be?

Oh internalised anti blackness is a term I’ve heard used often. I grew up and my secondary school was majority Black. There’s other (American) terms used to describe people with that kind of self hatred but I don’t want anyone on my back for being the messenger. "

Thank you for sharing those terms. I shall spend some time this weekend looking them up and trying to understand those points of view.

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By *ittlebirdWoman
43 weeks ago

The Big Smoke


"The closest I've come is being described as a unicorn /living sex toy for a couple.. Its dehumanising and not very nice

I think a lot of people on the site are a bit like overexcited puppies, unable to control themselves and end up pissing everywhere "

Me too

They’re normally thinking with their little head rather than their big one

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By *naswingdressWoman
43 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)

I think it's a weird one for me, having grown up as the cultural majority (majority in a power sense) and suddenly being cast as a fetish (not often, but it's marked) - even in a place where my culture retains a lot of cache.

I try to find it where it exists and excise it before it gets too close to me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
43 weeks ago


"I have indeed, both as a bisexual woman and a “BBW”, god knows I hate that term "

I see you.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
43 weeks ago

Leeds

As a bisexual women it happens a lot.

I half expect it on here so it doesn't bother me.

Also as a woman in general from the men, again that's their issues not mine.

Mrs

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By (user no longer on site)
43 weeks ago

This is so enlightening. There are so many seriously good points here. Thanks for starting my day in such a positive way, with such a positive read.

So many posts that articulate precisely how my own thoughts.

Hope you all enjoy a brilliant day.

Loads of food for thought.

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By *ad NannaWoman
43 weeks ago

East London

I've been fetished over my age, my body and my colour.

I don't care

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
43 weeks ago

East Sussex

If I'm fetishised at all it's over my age.

The only impact it has in me is very slight annoyance.

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By *estarossa.Woman
43 weeks ago

Flagrante

I get it a lot and it doesn't really impact me.

I avoid people who just want to add me to their to-do list, based on my age, hair colour, freckles, body size, etc if they are clearly just interested in that.

They soon get bored and move on when they realise I am not wanting to be objectified.

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By (user no longer on site)
43 weeks ago


"

If we take your example of being black, I hate profiles that state BBC only, however, I also know some male profiles who use it as a way to

market themselves to others and it's not my place to say that they shouldn't do that if all parties are consenting, especially with how hard it can be for guys already on here.

When women use terms to define themselves in a way that is rooted in sexism we say that they have internalized misogyny.

I’d be interested to read literature about if we can say the same thing about internalized racism/xenophobia.

I'd never heard of the use of internalised misogyny/racism etc before but it wouldn't surprise if that did happen. How would you view those who use the terms to "own" or "take the power back"? Where would the line be?

Yeah that’s tricky isn’t it, because it relies on people’s internal knowledge and political stance.

There have been movements to reclaim words. Personally I don’t have any desire to “reclaim” words that have caused me trauma in the past (and have cost me expensive therapy). Like I’ll never identify as queer, or as a slut. Those are words that I feel can never shake their homophobic/misogynistic backgrounds."

That last sentence is so powerful and probably why we won't get agreement across the board when it comes to those terms. To some, they will always be a reminder of the oppression they faced and to others, they want to reclaim it to show they are more powerful than any word. Either stance is completely understandable.

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By *emorefridaCouple
43 weeks ago

La la land


"Hey OP this is an interesting question.

From my own perspective my own use of the site has changed. Due to threads you and others post. It's opened my eyes how much people fetishise certain attributes. And I can see the grey areas where it's ok to use cliches e.g. about redheads. So I can see why some people may think it's ok to use other clichés surrounding race for example. So I now do not comment on Redhead threads, because I don't think I should perpetuate the notion that its ok to fetishise people.

I think people will on a site like this reduce people to their physical characteristics. Be it skin colour, BBW, big boobs the list goes on. And it can make you feel like other things you valve about yourself aren't important. But then I have to remind myself that it is then who are superficial not me. And those kind of people aren't for me. Yes of course I want to viewed as attractive but as a whole person.

That last sentence!!!

Also I have never understood being attracted to a hair colour. Not to diminish that as an attraction for people I just haven’t. Especially because it can and does change. But yeah, because people do it, I can imagine it’s something where people being obsessed over that one feature. And don’t value you as a whole, beautiful person.

"

I think some like a certain feature, e.g. Big boobs or pale skin. And it's perfectly fine in a general conversation to say that you like them, they're attractive to you. But sending a message asking, how big your boobs are, or you have the best tits on fab. I've never had a redhead, want to change that? Do you want to be my snowbunny? These messages are just yuk.

I often wonder what these people's success rates on here actually is? Because it does nothing whatsoever for me and I can't imagine it makes anyone feel good.

But I also think many of us fall into the trap of reducing ourselves to a particular feature or maybe use it as a security blanket? Be it the brainy one, the ones with very distinctive posting styles it doesn't need to be a physical feature and lap up the compliments from them. It's an interesting thread it's made me think, thank you

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By *stellaWoman
43 weeks ago

London


"Obviously as a Black person on fab I’ve had messages treating me as a fetish or a tick off a bucket list. And I suspect many other groups on here have experienced the same. Following a conversation I’d love to get thoughts on, I suppose, just dealing with this? Obviously you can’t filter it but how do you stop it impacting your worth?

Personally I can pretty strong in my feelings about my racial/ ethnic identity and I know that I’m worth more and I am more desirable than these people make me feel. Is it just a process for you? Let’s talk about it. "

Having read the thread, my views have been clearly expressed already.

But in answer to your question how do I deal (fetishisation predominantly due to my size) - I don’t have the most healthy way of dealing to be honest, I hide: I hide behind photos that don’t reflect my size clearly so people don’t realise. I then get panicked at the point of making a connection with someone as I’ve not been fully honest yet, and share clearer pics then with the potential for rejection which if it happens feels bad but I internalise the fault as I wasn’t clear and allowed myself to get hurt. And the cycle continues. I also always wonder if someone does actually like me for me or if it is about my size (esp on a site where we are likely solely looking for sex) and if they were just intelligent enough to word things better than some on the site so that I didn’t realise: and so the internal self hatred continues.

Not healthy.

But, I guess understanding how I’m impacted is the first step to changing up the spiral. I guess.

I cannot imagine how it would feel to be fetishised as a Black person given the fullness of history and the constant attrition of racism from many broader aspects of life than just the seeking of sex - not to diminish how its fetishisation must feel re the personal scenario of sex seeking.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
43 weeks ago

North West


"Obviously as a Black person on fab I’ve had messages treating me as a fetish or a tick off a bucket list. And I suspect many other groups on here have experienced the same. Following a conversation I’d love to get thoughts on, I suppose, just dealing with this? Obviously you can’t filter it but how do you stop it impacting your worth?

Personally I can pretty strong in my feelings about my racial/ ethnic identity and I know that I’m worth more and I am more desirable than these people make me feel. Is it just a process for you? Let’s talk about it. "

Yeah, I get disabled fetishists and fat fetishists and Mr KC (who is straight) gets people wanting a slim, young looking man. It's not something I want to engage with at all. Yes, I'm disabled but I don't want my wheelchair used as a fetish item. I am fat, but I don't like being fat and I don't want someone to shag me simply because I have extra adipose tissue.

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By *ebauchedDeviantsPt2Couple
43 weeks ago

Cumbria

People tend not to fetishise middle aged white people so I can’t say we would ever be able to know what it’s like. If we were, however, I think it would be really troubling and not something we’d want to engage with.

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By *ellhungvweMan
43 weeks ago

Cheltenham

I think everyone is a tick box for someone - humans are a very diverse lot which means their tastes/desires are diverse as well.

For me proper self worth is about not letting one single characteristic dominate.

Personally I think that if you primarily define your self worth/identity on one characteristic and then that is a taste/desire that some people like then you are letting others drive what you think of yourself.

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By *entle_lover_xMan
43 weeks ago

Great Dunmow


"White privileged. No one in a white majority country picks me for my race

When I travelled Asia, they did. And I liked it because I was basically on holiday. It was new and exciting. So that doesn’t count

I’ve always thought it must suck to be black and everyone just assumes you have a huge knob. Especially if you don’t. "

Yes I feel for SBC's on there. I lived in Asia - Japan and China for 13 years - and often had experiences because because I was white. Most of time I quite enjoyed it to be honest especially in China where some places I went they had hardly ever seen a white person before and I was a novelty and I was regularly the first white person somebody had slept with. There were downside as well of course - apart from outright discrimination (no white people allowed in clubs - normal as well as swinging type places in Japan) I often felt bubbling resentment from some of the Chinese or Japanese men in the vicinity. Overall though I quite enjoyed being the odd one out and I guess being fetishised for it. Certainly beats blending into the background here I know lot of white men here (and Asian) would kill for the attention black guys get.

PS I am lumping China and Japan together for convenience and of course very different with Japan being a much more international and open place and sexually much more kinky and liberated especially at that time.

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By *oodmessMan
43 weeks ago

yumsville

Without months worth of chat you'll never know someone's thoughts. Whatever racialised terms you don't like or have your barriers up to meeting, without either coy, interrogating or drawn out questions people could harbour any kind of histories you don't like.

My advice is to either enjoy it, take them at face value and meet as you like them for that moment. Get to know them and be ever prepared for disappointment as your efforts reveal tastes you don't like or beware the possibility of ltr too, as you'll have put so much effort in that when you do eventually find them you'll not what to let that unicorn loose.

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By *iss_Juicy79Woman
43 weeks ago

Edinburgh


"I get how you feel in a way some people fetishise large women calling them bbw ssbbw etc. Personally I don't like those terms so I tend to ignore those messages.

Tou are gonna get that sort of attention on any site like this or fetish site unfortunately best thing is to ignore it that works out well for me

I’ve never heard ssbbw but if it means what I think it means… oh dear."

It's super sized bbw yes nit a nice term at all I believe it's worse in America they love big girls over there

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
43 weeks ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

On a side note, the one constant in my time on here over the last 16 years is this.

Some revel in being fetishised. They see it as their 'in', a means to market themselves and their 'unique' (although that's never actually the case) selling point.

A simple glance at usernames tells you that.

BBC this, BBW that, Black this, Curvy that, Well Hung whatever.

Add in the profile photos centering on specific physical attributes and characteristics, the text lauding the same, the forum posts asking 'who loves xyz' and the status updates requesting very specific needs and wants in a sex partner and that anyone not fitting the bill will be ignored.

Is it any wonder that fetishisation is, and always will be, a massive part of swinging?

Clubs even have specific nights to cater for specific fetishes. BBW nights. Black Man's Fan Club nights. Age specific events.

It'll never go away. It'll never change.

You can only choose to be a part of it and 'play the game' to boost your chances of a meet, or take the other route and focus on people as individuals.

I know which I do now, but I'll put my hand up and admit that when I first signed up many, many moons ago I was guilty of playing the VWE card for a long time. Did it get me meets? Yep. Did it get me a lot of meets with the kind of people I'd gladly meet again and again, become friends with and build long term connections with? Fuck no.

But I'm much happier now and to me that's all that matters.

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By (user no longer on site)
43 weeks ago

Sorry to hear about that OP some people lose themselves and can’t see the human being behind it all.Often end up becoming dehumanising while they claim others do the same.

Never had that problem since I’m white but I’m disappointed in those if my race that engage in such behaviour(To be clear I’m fine if it’s clear both parties are equally participating)

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By *imisugarWoman
43 weeks ago

Rugby

I ignore and don't engage with people when that starts. I don't want to have random conversations about where I'm from and what my background/parents background is.

There does seem to be an entitlement surrounding it. I don't know why but it's within my power to control.

Not everyone will understand your viewpoint but you don't have to put yourself in situations you feel uncomfortable.

If someone people want to identify in that way or appeal to that audience. That's for them.

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
43 weeks ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

I find it a bit annoying. I don't want to be someone's Tgirl experience

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
43 weeks ago

Reading

I fetishize people who live in Reading!!

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By *rpeggioCouple
43 weeks ago

Baughurst


"I get how you feel in a way some people fetishise large women calling them bbw ssbbw etc. Personally I don't like those terms so I tend to ignore those messages.

Tou are gonna get that sort of attention on any site like this or fetish site unfortunately best thing is to ignore it that works out well for me

I’ve never heard ssbbw but if it means what I think it means… oh dear."

__

Never come across that either but

looking at sxymcsexington profile, I think it means Sensible and Sensitive Brave Beautiful Woman

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By *rispyDuckMan
43 weeks ago

Chinese Takeaway near you

I’m very easy going, not easily offended & don’t take life to seriously that’s how I deal with everything in life . I have a fetish for married women & I know I’m a finish to someone else (being black & hung like a horse haha I joke).

And it’s fine long as we treat each other with respect

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By *aith SkynbyrdWoman
43 weeks ago

Somewhere else


"The closest I've come is being described as a unicorn /living sex toy for a couple.. Its dehumanising and not very nice

I think a lot of people on the site are a bit like overexcited puppies, unable to control themselves and end up pissing everywhere "

That. Is. Vile. I’m sorry that happened to you

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By *aith SkynbyrdWoman
43 weeks ago

Somewhere else


"

If we take your example of being black, I hate profiles that state BBC only, however, I also know some male profiles who use it as a way to

market themselves to others and it's not my place to say that they shouldn't do that if all parties are consenting, especially with how hard it can be for guys already on here.

When women use terms to define themselves in a way that is rooted in sexism we say that they have internalized misogyny.

I’d be interested to read literature about if we can say the same thing about internalized racism/xenophobia.

"

This is an excellent point.

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By *aith SkynbyrdWoman
43 weeks ago

Somewhere else


"

If we take your example of being black, I hate profiles that state BBC only, however, I also know some male profiles who use it as a way to

market themselves to others and it's not my place to say that they shouldn't do that if all parties are consenting, especially with how hard it can be for guys already on here.

When women use terms to define themselves in a way that is rooted in sexism we say that they have internalized misogyny.

I’d be interested to read literature about if we can say the same thing about internalized racism/xenophobia.

"

I’ve heard the term “self-hating [fill in the blank]” plenty.

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By *ee VianteWoman
43 weeks ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

I absolutely hate getting messages from people, (usually men), who say they want to "try" being with someone like me, (because I'm fat, older, Dominant or one of several other characteristics I'm objectified for).

I never accept meets with people like that. Regardless, sometimes I still end up feeling objectified and as if I have been used to fulfill a tick box exercise.

It does impact how I feel about myself sometimes. I can't always stop it.

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By *ee VianteWoman
43 weeks ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

I don't even like the messages saying they want to "try" something I do, (e.g. fisting, strap-on sex, watersports).

I do those things with people I like, as part of mutual fun. I'm not interested in sex, in any form, with someone who sees me as a means of getting a kink itch scratched or "trying" something they're curious about.

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By (user no longer on site)
43 weeks ago

Fetishize me all you want.

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By *teelballsMan
43 weeks ago

central london

I think being on a site such as this it’s pretty obvious that it’s very likely to happen.

People post what they do and don’t want, fancy a bit of, or don’t.

Speaking for myself, i’m really up for being anyones fetish object; but understandably i haven’t encountered the problems it poses for some people.

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