FabSwingers.com forum: Do you......

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Put your faith in finding the thing that broke you to be the thing that'll heal you if you find it? And as a result you place your future in the hands of random strangers you've never even met and put a responsibility on their shoulders of your happiness or healing and you stay in a state of 'waiting' for it to happen. Stuck in a place that only someone else can get you out of.

For example,

Have you had your trust broken and now the only way to ever trust anyone is by finding one person that can be trusted and restore your faith.

Or your heart was broken and now you need to see that someone won't break your heart in order for you to even go there.

You were lied to so you now need someone who speaks the truth and you won't take a risk otherwise.

Someone didn't find you attractive so now you think no one will until of course someone tells you that are attractive and then you'll believe that you are.

Does it make sense to be like this when you see it written in words?

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
over a year ago

Carlisle usually

No.

Only I can fix me.

Depending on someone else to make me whole is never the way.

Not to say that the right support from others doesn't help a fuck of a lot

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By *TG3Man
over a year ago

Dorchester

"Put your faith in finding the thing that broke you to be the thing that'll heal you if you find it? And as a result you place your future in the hands of random strangers you've never even met and put a responsibility on their shoulders of your happiness or healing and you stay in a state of 'waiting' for it to happen. Stuck in a place that only someone else can get you out of.

For example,

Have you had your trust broken and now the only way to ever trust anyone is by finding one person that can be trusted and restore your faith.

Or your heart was broken and now you need to see that someone won't break your heart in order for you to even go there.

You were lied to so you now need someone who speaks the truth and you won't take a risk otherwise.

Someone didn't find you attractive so now you think no one will until of course someone tells you that are attractive and then you'll believe that you are.

Does it make sense to be like this when you see it written in words?

"
The trouble is you're not as flexible as you were when you found the thing you wanted /needed and whats gone before shapes what you want from the next guy, if you could just shake all the negative away you'd maybe just maybe find someone else instead of blaming all future guys for what he did

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Placing your mental wellbeing in anyone is a bad idea

If you deep dug enough, it’s probably a defence mechanic to take the pressure off looking after your own mentality and placing it on others

“I would be in a better place mentally now, if only it wasn’t for someone else”

Instead of

“I’m in charge of my own mental health and need to take steps towards helping myself”

I’m not a psychologist

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think its had the opposite affect on me. The issue I've had in some relationships has made me triple down on not wanting to be in a relationship anymore.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

No. I plough on, taking each experience on its own merit.

Not everybody follows a knitting pattern of behaviour. We are all different. Just because someone lets us down doesn’t mean others will.

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By *o_yeur_eyes_onlyMan
over a year ago

Londontown

Being vulnerable is a beautiful thing and it's not easy to do. But relying on others to protect that vulnerability and keep you "safe" is asking for let-down.

You have got to be 100% within yourself to be able to trust others in whatever way that is.....x

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

No. The decision to trust again is entirely in my hands.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

*shudder*

You can't trust someone to the end of the world. They are human. They can't make that promise to you and you can't expect perfection off them.

You need to be able to have relationship in people despite the fact they may let you down, not because they promise/you demand they don't.

Totally extreme example. I was hurt when my partner died. So I will only date someone I know won't doe before me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That’s some question. In a nutshell, no, I just need to myself and believe in myself. Nobody can persuade me otherwise.

I trust because I believe in that other person. A person broke my heart(I’ve also broke my own) the next person didn’t. If someone finds me attractive, that’s their problem

, I wouldn’t put a responsibility on anyone and never have. I am who I am today because I found out I needed nobody. Not that I’m happy with that, but that’s what made me strong and realise you put yourself first, and then you are able to have no fear when you meet someone who’s willing to give you a chance.

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By *GermanInLondonMan
over a year ago

London

Good question OP.

I would say no.

Had serious trust issues after a separation and felt for a long time unable to open up to anyone new.

My conclusion eventually was that everyone is different. If there was bad experience(s) with people in the past it is the past for me now and connected to these people of the past. I trust new people within reason until proven otherwise. So time can tell if trust, truth etc are there. There is a chance for happiness and a chance for disappointment. I fear there is no way to predict this with certainty? How quickly trust is established depends on both people I would say.

As for random strangers... I found Reddit quite good for this to get some random advice from a hive brain. Not necessarily to accept a particular advice but I think it just gave me a different perspective. I had some nice chats on there and it's quite anonymous. It helped me to feel that there are actually quite a few nice people around! And it didn't make me feel I put responsibility on those people. In the end I am responsible for my future and pulled myself out of a place I felt stuck in. If one struggles with that?

Then I don't know but would assume there are as well groups in RL to deal with issues that can break a person and how to move forwards from that? Anyone knows any such groups? Would love to know...

Hope that makes sense. Sorry for the long post

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bloody hellfire, that takes some introspection. I think as easy as it is to say that I can find happiness on my own, I know I'd just be lying to myself.

For ages, I've found worth through the validation from others and if I didn't, I'd dwell on it, overthink it, come up with different actions, think of best and worst case scenarios until it either changes or I simply get over it through time. It's a pattern that isn't healthy and that I probably need to break but I probably do need other people to fill the gaps of people I lose trust or faith or belief in.

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

No. I think judging people on mass based on the actions of one individual is bonkers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am the thing that breaks me, and the thing that heals me. Pain, heartbreak, loss, suffering are not external things we have to face they are who and what we are made of. Without them we are simply children.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

For example,

Have you had your trust broken and now the only way to ever trust anyone is by finding one person that can be trusted and restore your faith.

Or your heart was broken and now you need to see that someone won't break your heart in order for you to even go there.

You were lied to so you now need someone who speaks the truth and you won't take a risk otherwise.

Someone didn't find you attractive so now you think no one will until of course someone tells you that are attractive and then you'll believe that you are.

Does it make sense to be like this when you see it written in words?

The trouble is you're not as flexible as you were when you found the thing you wanted /needed and whats gone before shapes what you want from the next guy, if you could just shake all the negative away you'd maybe just maybe find someone else instead of blaming all future guys for what he did

Blaming all future guys for what who did?

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