FabSwingers.com forum: Stupid dad jokes

By *hunky Chef OP Man
over a year ago

Norwich

How does a man's fart sounds in metric system?

Gram...Gram...Gram

How does a woman's fart sounds in metric system?

Kilo...Kilo...Kilo

Throw your stones at me or tell your stupid joke.

Man first for the effect, no other reason.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What noise does a mushroom car make?

Shroooooommmm!

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

I asked my Gym instructor to teach me how to do the splits

"How flexible are you?" She asked

"Well I can't do Tuesday or Thursdays" I replied

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By *ackFromTheDead2Man
over a year ago

London/Surrey

"I asked my Gym instructor to teach me how to do the splits

"How flexible are you?" She asked

"Well I can't do Tuesday or Thursdays" I replied "

This is a good 1 lool

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

I had a vasectomy as I don't want kids anymore.

When I got home the little bastards were still there.

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By *amierebelMan
over a year ago

My own little world

Guy in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket yesterday..... well he can hide but he can't run

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

People keep telling me I am condescending.

(That's talking down to people)

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

What did the drummer call his 4 daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.

I'll get my coat

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By *oldShortsMan
over a year ago

St Helens

What kind of music do wind turbines like?

They’re big metal fans

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By *orny-DJMan
over a year ago

Leigh-on-Sea

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman who named his twin sons Jose and Hose B

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By *orny-DJMan
over a year ago

Leigh-on-Sea

..or the plumber who named his kids Hot and Cold

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By *orny-DJMan
over a year ago

Leigh-on-Sea

[Removed by poster at 27/01/24 21:01:57]

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By *orny-DJMan
over a year ago

Leigh-on-Sea

I thought my tumble dryer was shrinking all my clothes. Turns out it was the fridge

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By *orny-DJMan
over a year ago

Leigh-on-Sea

What did the Japanese janitor say when he leapt out of the cupboard?

Supplies!

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By *ortney FoxxxWoman
over a year ago

Cardiff

"What did the drummer call his 4 daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.

I'll get my coat"

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

I got sent to work in the prison library once.

It had its prose and cons.

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By *aizyWoman
over a year ago

west midlands

"I got sent to work in the prison library once.

It had its prose and cons. "

That is awful!

Well done!!

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By *wlmanMan
over a year ago

Rugby

Electric car owners

What music do they listen to?

AC/DC or something current?

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By *cflirtyMan
over a year ago

Hampshire

So the shopping list said 6 cans of Sprite... but when I got home I realised I'd picked 7up

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By *wlmanMan
over a year ago

Rugby

"So the shopping list said 6 cans of Sprite... but when I got home I realised I'd picked 7up"

Groan

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

"I got sent to work in the prison library once.

It had its prose and cons.

That is awful!

Well done!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got a book out the library.. "the science of superglue"

I couldn't put it down

Got a book out on cellotape..

I couldn't find the beginning..

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

Last night me and the missus watched two DVDs back to back

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

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By *o_yeur_eyes_onlyMan
over a year ago

Londontown

Great thread!!

How does the moon cut its hair???....

....

Eclipse it

*Drops the mic

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

What does a fake Blacksmith make

Forgeries

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By *TG3Man
over a year ago

Dorchester

I had sex on a plane it was wrong on so many levels

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

"I had sex on a plane it was wrong on so many levels

I had sex in a lift. That was also wrong on so many levels.

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By *TG3Man
over a year ago

Dorchester

"I had sex on a plane it was wrong on so many levels

I had sex in a lift. That was also wrong on so many levels. "
omg yes but you've gotta be quick in a lift

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

Awful news about the explosion in the.....

FRENCH CHEESE factory

No one was hurt, but de brie was everywhere

NISSAN CAR factory

It's raining Datsun cogs

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By *sleWightCoupleCouple
over a year ago

Ryde

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who got a divorce?

She went back to Peking, he went back to wanking.

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

My father owned a coal extraction company, but did not tell anyone.

He mined his own business

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By *agic johnsonMan
over a year ago

morden

Used to have this woman come and wax my Speedo area but she was no good so I had to give her the sac

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By *r_PinkMan
over a year ago

london stratford

"Used to have this woman come and wax my Speedo area but she was no good so I had to give her the sac "

I say I say I say..............

what is the difference between abudabi and dubai?

Well. the people of dubai do not like the flintstones but abudabi do!!!!

BOOM BOOM

its the way i tell em!

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By *ortney FoxxxWoman
over a year ago

Cardiff

Love these joke threads

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

If a Vegetarian has an argument then, is it called a beef...?

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

If a seagull is flying over a bay, is it called a bay-gull....?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How many Mexicans does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Juan

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By *alibra57Man
over a year ago

Southampton

World strawberry picking contest

A woman with no legs won it.

The guy who came second said

She was a jammy cunt.

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

What happened to the frogs car when it broke down? It got toad away.

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By *wlmanMan
over a year ago

Rugby

My wife thinks I'm a sex machine....

Well, she calls me a fucking tool.....

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

See the Inventor of Velcro has died.

RIP

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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago

Maidstone

"What did the drummer call his 4 daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.

I'll get my coat"

Barooom Tish ... Would be the perfect ending that joke...

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By *estmids71Man
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

I have named my pet termite Clint. Clint eats wood....

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By *estmids71Man
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

I have been trying to find the final resting place of the man who invented the crossword. When I got to the cemetery I asked a guy if he knew where it was. He told me it was 4 down 2 across.

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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago

Maidstone

Woman sees a man at the Olympic Village bus stop with a pole.

Are you a pole vaulter? She asks...

No I'm German but how did you know my name is Walter?

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By *weet and SpiceCouple
over a year ago

Around the Midlands

How can you tell if a pig is hot? It's bacon

How did the cheese paint his wife? He double gloucester

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By *onameyet2Man
over a year ago

chorley

My mate invented an acid that can burn through anything

He’s currently trying to find something to put it in

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By *agic johnsonMan
over a year ago

morden

Bought a Christmas tree today and the guy said are you putting it up yourself ? I said no Its going in the front room

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By *agic johnsonMan
over a year ago

morden

Panty liners . Worst cruise I ever been on

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By *argaryen starkCouple
over a year ago

pinxton

Why do women give birth ?

Because it hurts and they deserve it

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By *argaryen starkCouple
over a year ago

pinxton

A man walks in to a bar

Ouch , it was a metal bar

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By *elshcouple18Couple
over a year ago

Cardiff

I asked the bank cashier to check my balance so she pushed me over!

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By *ittleJohn5Man
over a year ago

Wickham Market

Sold my vacuum cleaner the other day

It was only collecting dust

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

I have just written my first song, it is about tortillas.

Well it is more of a rap

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

I bitterly regret going to that Star Wars themed sex party.

Turns out the man in the Darth Vader suit was my father

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

Thanks for letting me join this chat, By the way I am Psychic.

Now, I know what you are all thinking.

I have swallowed a lot of synonyms.

It's given me thesaurus throat I have ever had.

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By *ubbie300Couple
over a year ago

Bawtry

"Last night me and the missus watched two DVDs back to back

Luckily I was the one facing the TV. "

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By *erry bull1Man
over a year ago

doncaster

A dwarf walked into a woman wearing a miniskirt

He got a crack on the head

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By *agic johnsonMan
over a year ago

morden

What's brown and sticky

A stick

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

What shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderpants

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By *nsatiable n baldCouple
over a year ago

somewhere only we know

A slice of apple pie is £2.50 in Jamaica and £3 in the Bahamas…

There are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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By *ndtheswingersMan
over a year ago

colchester

[Removed by poster at 09/02/24 14:18:25]

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

I mixed up all the spices in my partner's spice rack without telling them.

I am not in trouble, but thymes a cumin

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By *antricSeeker60Man
over a year ago

Durham

Why don't skeletons fight each other?

Because they don't have the guts!

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

What do you call a spider with 10 eyes?

A spiiiiiiiiiider

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By *issYeuxBleusWoman
over a year ago

My boudoir - S Wales

My sat-nav keeps directing me to nudist beaches!.... I think it might be a peeping TomTom

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By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

What do call a dinosaur with one eye?

A doyouthinkhesaurus..

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By *weet.touchMan
over a year ago

north west

I used to be a gynecologist... got fired for eating on the job.

What do you call a fish with no eye(i) fshhh.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate.

What's the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? One will see you in a while the other will see you later.

What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto

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By *weet.touchMan
over a year ago

north west

"A dwarf walked into a woman wearing a miniskirt

He got a crack on the head "

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By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? Doug

What do you call a man without a shovel on his head? Douglas

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By *weet.touchMan
over a year ago

north west

"What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? Doug

What do you call a man without a shovel on his head? Douglas

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff

What do you call a man with a pig on his head? Hamed.

What do you call a man with two pigs on his head? Morehammed

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By *anted by NightMan
over a year ago

Shangri-La

A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

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By *dnmartinMan
5 weeks ago

Hounslow

My partner calls me his Sex machine.

Well he actually says I am a "Fucking tool", but I know what he means

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By *allGuy1000Man
5 weeks ago

Reading

How do you make a hormone?

Don’t pay her !

Ba-Dum 🥁

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By *allGuy1000Man
5 weeks ago

Reading

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

🦌

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By *allGuy1000Man
5 weeks ago

Reading

What’s blue and doesn’t fit?

A dead epileptic 🫣

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By *atman_and_PoisonIvyCouple
5 weeks ago

North Worcestershire

How does a serial killer with pronouns kill their victims??

They / (slash) Them

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By *allGuy1000Man
5 weeks ago

Reading

"What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? Doug

What do you call a man without a shovel on his head? Douglas

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff

What do you call a man with a pig on his head? Hamed.

What do you call a man with two pigs on his head? Morehammed "

What do you call a man with two pigs on his head standing between two houses?

Morehammed Alley

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By *he Silver FuxMan
5 weeks ago

Uttoxeter

Dad, can you explain what an eclipse is?

No sun

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By *ich_8000Man
5 weeks ago

Witney

I got addicted to the Hokey Cokey….

But I turned myself around !

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By *apinMan
5 weeks ago

London

I tell dad jokes

Sometimes he laughs

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
5 weeks ago

Sussex

A chicken and a frog go into a library.

The chicken says "book, book, book"

And the frog says "reddit, reddit, reddit"

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By *ild_oatsMan
5 weeks ago

the land of saints & sinners

What is the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I’ve never had a lentil on my face…

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By *allWithTatsMan
5 weeks ago

Hyrule

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus.

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By *ettaManMan
5 weeks ago

Based in Kerry, work in Cork.

What's leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

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By *allGuy1000Man
5 weeks ago

Reading

"What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapus

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By *tacie-JaneTV/TS
5 weeks ago

Birmingham

What do you call a man with a rabbit stuck in his bum?

Warren.

And a new book

Going to the toilet by…Willy makeit and Betty Wont.

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By *he Silver FuxMan
5 weeks ago

Uttoxeter

There’s a new wonder drug to treat women who used to be straight but became lesbians and are having issues with the lack of satisfying vaginal penetration.

It’s called Trycoxagain.

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By *abluesbabyMan
5 weeks ago

Gibraltar/Cheshire/London

Just saw an old clip of the late, great Les Dawson cooking a dish on TV chef Rustie Lee's show...

Rustie: "Do you ever cook yourself?"

Les "Only that time I fell in the oven"

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By *dnmartinMan
3 weeks ago

Hounslow

Rename the Gulf of Mexico....

Instead of renaming it to Gulf of America, they should rename it to Sea Senor

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By *heoneandonlyEJCouple
3 weeks ago

Rotherham

Went for a meet with a guy off here recently and told him I was a bit down. He took his t shirt off revealing a heavily tattooed upper body, handed me a set of felt pens and said it’s ok, I’ve a good shoulder to crayon…

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By *atgirl and RobinCouple
3 weeks ago

Durham

"What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

🦌 "

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no cock?

Still no fucking idea

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By *ensual DesiresMan
3 weeks ago

Teesside/North Yorkshire

What do you get if you cross a mouse with an elephant

Bloody big holes in your skirting boards

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By *tephenAndHisPicklenicMan
3 weeks ago

Ends

‘I’m gonna come and see you later’

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By *rNaughty84Man
3 weeks ago

Derby

I'm not sure what I like most about Switzerland, but it's flag is a big plus

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By *ensual DesiresMan
3 weeks ago

Teesside/North Yorkshire

The chinese art of self secual gratification

Wan.king

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By *dnmartinMan
3 weeks ago

Hounslow

Did you hear about the man who overdosed on curry powder?

Doctors had to put him into a korma.

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
3 weeks ago

Sussex

Unfamiliar with Indian food, I asked the waiter "What's Tarka Dhal?"

The waiter replied

"It's like ordinary Dahl, only... 'otter"

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By *ootylover25Man
3 weeks ago

Middlesbrough

I met a dyslexic Yorkshire man this morning, he was wearing a cat flap.

I know a polish sound engineer, and a Czech one too.

I was watching Australian masterchef and everyone cheered when someone made a meringue, I thought that's odd usually Australians boo meringue

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By *dnmartinMan
2 weeks ago

Hounslow

I'm still angry at my parents for not buying me expensive rollerblades.

Cheapskates.

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By *dnmartinMan
2 weeks ago

Hounslow

Top Tip:

If you are been chased by a group of taxidermists.

Don't play dead

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By *elly and daveCouple
2 weeks ago

gateshead

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? You can't wash your face in a buffalo, but you can in a bison!

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By *enegadeMMan
2 weeks ago

Oxfordshire

Just out here telling people about the benefits of dried grapes …. You know , raisin awareness

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By *ittlemissFlirtyCouple
2 weeks ago

Southampton

What do you call a dinosaur with haemorrhoids??

A mega -sore-arse

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By *ickie76XXXMan
2 weeks ago

dartford

A firework and a car battery got arrested. They let one off and charged the other

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By *andTWoman
2 weeks ago

Altrincham

"What did the Japanese janitor say when he leapt out of the cupboard?

Supplies!"

🤣🤣🤣

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By *enegadeMMan
2 weeks ago

Oxfordshire

My pet mouse ‘Elvis’ died last night …. He was caught in a trap

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By *ondiego85Man
2 weeks ago

nottingham

I managed to lift a panda with one finger.

It was easy. The problem was finding a panda with just one finger…

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By *ickie76XXXMan
2 weeks ago

dartford

A pack of polos and tic tacs are sitting at the bar when a pack of halls soothers walks in. The pack of polos says to the tic tacs.”don’t stare at him, he’s menthol”

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
2 weeks ago

Sussex

"A pack of polos and tic tacs are sitting at the bar when a pack of halls soothers walks in. The pack of polos says to the tic tacs.”don’t stare at him, he’s menthol”

Two chunks of tarmac are having a argument over who is the "hardest" of hardcore. Just then a pink chunk of tarmac comes in, right beside a green chunk of tarmac. The first chunk of tarmac says to the second chunk of tarmac.

Don't look now,- those two are a pair of cycle paths!....

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By *eavilMan
2 weeks ago

Stalybridge

What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?

You can beat an egg.

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By *alcon2Man
2 weeks ago

North

Wasted a bunch of money on a sat nav designed by fleetwood mac.

-It's rubbish.

Keeps saying you can go your own way.

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By *ootylover25Man
2 weeks ago

Middlesbrough

Batman: the batmobile won't start, Robin try the battery!

Robin: What's a terry?

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By *hief ScoutMan
2 weeks ago

Watford

What do you call a one-legged Indian ?

Balan Singh

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By *lue collar bi guyMan
2 weeks ago

the shire

What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?

The fridge won't fart when you pull the meat out.

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By *he Silver FuxMan
2 weeks ago

Uttoxeter

I asked the lady running the sex shop where they kept their lubes.

In the non-friction section apparently

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By *dnmartinMan
2 weeks ago

Hounslow

Well you can say what you want about deaf people.

I remember meeting a blind lady of the night.

She said I was the biggest guy she had ever had.

I think she was just pulling my leg

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By *escourtesMan
2 weeks ago

hereford

Therewas a Norweigen walking his bear in a park in stockholm...

A swedish policeman walked up to them and said excuse me do you have a license for that bear....

norweigen replied i didnt know you needed a license for a bear...

policeman replied, i was talking to the bear!...

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By *oeBeansMan
2 weeks ago

Derby

Where does a General keep his armies?

In his sleevies

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By *ynamicnatureMan
2 weeks ago

Doncaster

Why did the blind man stop bungee jumping?

It scared the shit out of his dog.

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By *ature420Couple
2 weeks ago

aberdeen

I once saw a guy chat up a cheetah.i thought, he's trying to pull a fast one

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By *dnmartinMan
2 weeks ago

Hounslow

I like to go up to Spanish colleagues at work and say

"Mucho"

It means a lot to them

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By *adagastMan
2 weeks ago

Rotherham

Never buy flowers from a monk. We need to prevent florist friars.

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By *he Silver FuxMan
2 weeks ago

Uttoxeter

What’s brown and rhymes with ‘snoop’?

Dr Dre

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By *elly and daveCouple
2 weeks ago

gateshead

"Never buy flowers from a monk. We need to prevent florist friars."

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By *issYeuxBleusWoman
2 weeks ago

My boudoir - S Wales

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

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By *he Silver FuxMan
2 weeks ago

Uttoxeter

My friend said the other day he didn’t know how cloning worked.

I said “that makes two of us”

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By *he Silver FuxMan
2 weeks ago

Uttoxeter

"My friend said the other day he didn’t know how cloning worked.

I said “that makes two of us”"

So I asked my landlord if I could set myself up a cloning laboratory in my flat.

He said “no problem, make yourself at home”

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By *he Silver FuxMan
2 weeks ago

Uttoxeter

"My friend said the other day he didn’t know how cloning worked.

I said “that makes two of us”

So I asked my landlord if I could set myself up a cloning laboratory in my flat.

He said “no problem, make yourself at home”"

When the cloning experiments actually worked I was so happy I was beside myself

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By *dnmartinMan
2 weeks ago

Hounslow

Had to take my pet chameleon to the vet today he can't change colour anymore

Turns out he's got a reptile dysfunction

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
2 weeks ago

Sussex

"My friend said the other day he didn’t know how cloning worked.

I said “that makes two of us”

So I asked my landlord if I could set myself up a cloning laboratory in my flat.

He said “no problem, make yourself at home”

When the cloning experiments actually worked I was so happy I was beside myself"

Mexican gene scientists are celebrating their success in gender selection with a special offer,- buy Juan, get Juan free

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By *issYeuxBleusWoman
2 weeks ago

My boudoir - S Wales

My niece was doing history homework and asked me what I knew about

Galileo.

I said: "He was a poor boy from a poor family.”

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By *ohnSwingsSurreyMan
2 weeks ago

Horley

A guy told his wife “I think you’ve had eyebrow lifts”…..she looked surprised

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By *oodbMan
2 weeks ago

manchester

CEO of Stockport dyslexic society got awarded an OBE last week. When asked by a Manchester Evening News reporter if he was pleased, he said he was but couldn’t understand why they gave him it as he couldn’t play it.

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By *oodbMan
2 weeks ago

manchester

I went to my GP because I can’t control my weight. He said it’s a simple fix, just don’t eat anything fatty.

I asked what specifically shouldn’t I eat…

He said no, you don’t understand. I said DON’T EAT ANYTHING, fatty!

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By *issYeuxBleusWoman
2 weeks ago

My boudoir - S Wales

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

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By *atgirl and RobinCouple
2 weeks ago

Durham

When I was younger I always wanted to be a mortician, until I realised it was a dead end job

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By *agic tongue mike.Man
2 weeks ago

Canterbury

Two fish swimming side by side, when they come across a huge concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam"

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By *lue collar bi guyMan
2 weeks ago

the shire

Man walks into a bar.

OUCH.

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By *wcdfor2TV/TS
2 weeks ago

SKELMERSDALE

I have been reading a book about people helping criminals escape the justice system, it's called

Avoiding Time by Aiden Enabetting.

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By *cottish guy123Man
2 weeks ago

bothwell

What's a pilots favourite biscuit ?

Big plane ones

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By *ack 55530Man
2 weeks ago

cardiff

What is the least spoken language?

Sign language

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
2 weeks ago

Willenhall

Why did the one-eyed chicken cross the road?

He was going to the Birds Eye shop.

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By *dnmartinMan
2 weeks ago

Hounslow

What do you call an Indian electrician?

Ashok

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By *dnmartinMan
2 weeks ago

Hounslow

Had sex with my mum in a lift once.

It was wrong on so many levels

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
2 weeks ago

Sussex

Why are chefs so cruel?....

They batter fish... whip cream... and beat eggs.

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By *ildbillkidMan
7 days ago

where the road goes on forever

A blind man went into a shop, picked up his dog and started swinging it around by it's leash, people asked "what are you doing" the blind man said," just having a look around"

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By *elboy1978Man
7 days ago

Jarrow

After 5 years what’s the difference between your wife and your Job

Your Job still sucks

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By *dnmartinMan
4 days ago

Hounslow

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

I have like 50 wooden balls already.

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By *corpioboyMan
4 days ago

Glasgow

I bought a new pair of gloves today but they’re both ‘lefts’, which on the one hand is great but on the other it’s just not right.

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By *dnmartinMan
17 hours ago

Hounslow

Had a vasectomy yesterday as I don't want kids anymore

When I got home the bastards were still there.

(Yeah, know it is an old one, but still makes me smile)

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By *aprica2Couple
17 hours ago

Chertsey

What do you call a man with no shins Toe knee

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