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Having children in older age - pros and cons.

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By *eeliciouschaos OP   Woman
over a year ago

Wherever

I had my son in my early 20s and then two kids in my 40s.

I can clearly see the difference, as well as pros and cons of my decision.

This thread is a continuation of a conversation I had with someone recently.

It would be interesting to hear what you think and please share your experience if you can.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An over-40 pregnancy does come with increased chances of disability for the baby in addition to risks for the mother.

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

Having done it in my 20s, doing it all again 2 decades later held no appeal

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod

over a year ago

East Sussex

I don't think it makes a huge amount of difference. For us mid thirties was exactly the right age but there are obvious health concerns the older you get.

I wouldn't have liked a baby in my fifties though. Taking my kid to secondary school at 60 and trying to afford university fees after retirement would be hard

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By *ookie46Woman
over a year ago

Deepest darkest Peru

I had a gap between my children. My two oldest in my early twenties and the two youngest in my late thirties. People always assumed I’d met a new partner because of the age gap but all to my husband at the time

Physically I noticed a difference much harder second time round with lots of complications

Would I say I’m a different parent? Yes quite possibly mostly because I’m so much happier in my life now than when I was married so the younger two have definitely benefited from that

Im lucky that I have a close relationship with all my children and we see/talk to each other everyday

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

As the child of a father who was 47 (and 49 when my brother came along), I can say it's very difficult to be expected to provide care to your elderly father (he's now 84), whilst being the parent of primary school aged children. Both my brother and I are in this position and it's impossible. We can't leave our children unsupervised when expected to drop everything.

Older parents should think about this and make appropriate plans for their future care.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod

over a year ago

East Sussex

We were mid thirties when our first child was born. The medical professionals made a big fuss about it at the time.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

I had my son at 25. He had left home not long after I was 40 so I had my time to myself.

One of my friends didn't have her daughter till she was 45. She will still be in secondary school when she's 60

Also she can't just do the things we do she has to work round babysitters.

25 was the right age for me

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

I had mine at 35 and 38. All of my friends had theirs as soon as they left School so theirs had grown and were leaving the nest.

I’d got my clubbing, travelling days out the way and had my own home and a good job so was (theoretically) in a good place to have kids.

The only time I wish I’d had my kids earlier was so that they could have been around my grandparents more. My Nan passed away when my eldest was 2 and my Grampy passed away before I’d had any, and I know they would have doted on them. Otherwise no regrets.

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By *viatrixWoman
over a year ago

Redhill

I would have never entertained having children any younger than I did. (First at 31)

I studied, I travelled, I laughed, I worked very hard and had a few tumbles in life. There was no space in my life for children then. Even when I was handed my firstborn at 31, I thought what on earth am I going to do with this little one lol. Still, we muddled through and now he is at Uni and he is the apple of my eye. my other two kids are great too and I had plenty of energy to give them what I think was a great childhood. Now they enjoy being flown around the world quite often.

They are also fortunate that they have a dad who is a really, really, really good father.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"As the child of a father who was 47 (and 49 when my brother came along), I can say it's very difficult to be expected to provide care to your elderly father (he's now 84), whilst being the parent of primary school aged children. Both my brother and I are in this position and it's impossible. We can't leave our children unsupervised when expected to drop everything.

Older parents should think about this and make appropriate plans for their future care. "

Parents shouldn't have kids as an insurance policy for old age. Childless pensioners have to manage.

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By *eronicaExplorerWoman
over a year ago

London


"I would have never entertained having children any younger than I did. (First at 31)

I studied, I travelled, I laughed, I worked very hard and had a few tumbles in life. There was no space in my life for children then. Even when I was handed my firstborn at 31, I thought what on earth am I going to do with this little one lol. Still, we muddled through and now he is at Uni and he is the apple of my eye. my other two kids are great too and I had plenty of energy to give them what I think was a great childhood. Now they enjoy being flown around the world quite often.

They are also fortunate that they have a dad who is a really, really, really good father. "

I couldn't agree more. I had my son in my 40’s. Mature maternity is so sweet.

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By *uri00620Woman
over a year ago

Croydon

I was 42. Easiest pregnancy and I felt great throughout. Am a single parent and that's great too. My life the with my little girl is chilled out and happy. I can take that all in my stride, not sure I could have done 15 years ago!

I do appreciate not everyone would have either the same mindset or experience however.

I get some stick from friends about being the assumed grandmother rather than mum when she's school aged though!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had my first and so far only child when I was 22. Traumatic birth, single mother, took me years to even start healing. Love like nothing ever before. If I decided to have another one now, medical reasons aside, it'd be a slightly different approach to upbringing. But I do think mature pregnancy is so sweet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whatever you chose or given by life you can make it work for you. I think being a mother is the most challenging job I've ever held in my life. I consciously chose not to have kids past 35 because of the increased risks for both mother and baby and the pressure older mothers face to induce birth etc. However in my pregnancy class I was one of two youngest and most first time mums were 40 or more. Everyone has their own personal considerations I guess, so what worked for me and the arguments on my list of pros and cons won't have the same value to others.

T.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had my son when I was 23 so he is 17 now and I'll be honest having him as an older teen nearly an adult means I can pretty much do what I want.

I can stay out, go where I want and not have to rush home. I make sure food is in the fridge and he is happy.

He will walk the dogs and feed them in the evening if in out early.

It gjves me freedom that I enjoy immensely.

I only ever leave him overnight around once a month, never two nights in a row. I don't just disappear ha.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West


"As the child of a father who was 47 (and 49 when my brother came along), I can say it's very difficult to be expected to provide care to your elderly father (he's now 84), whilst being the parent of primary school aged children. Both my brother and I are in this position and it's impossible. We can't leave our children unsupervised when expected to drop everything.

Older parents should think about this and make appropriate plans for their future care.

Parents shouldn't have kids as an insurance policy for old age. Childless pensioners have to manage.

"

Unfortunately this isn't how it works out in reality. Parents refuse to make use of care and expect their offspring to do it. I've been woken up both weekend mornings this weekend by the alarm monitoring company. They're supposed to go out and check on my Dad when the alarm goes off, but because they see he has a "next of kin", they ring that person (me) instead. They didn't even go out this morning.

My expectations for childless elderly people or those without other family to keep an eye out, is that they are left largely to struggle and don't receive adequate care, unless they make plans and/or pay for it. Needing free/subsidised care is a challenge for anyone, childless or not.

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By *eyond PurityCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

I had my son when I was 40.

I enjoy that I’m a little more wiser and I appreciate everything we do.

I’m very active, so I can still do a lot of running around, sports with him.

K

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

I have no comparison I had both mine in my mid- late 30's however it came with complications and a hell of a lot of exhaustion, I do in a way wish I'd done it younger and had more energy for them, the 2nd nearly completely broke me.

I think I got used to doing as I please now I can't everything is super planned which drives me crazy.

I never thought I could have kids so don't get me wrong I wouldn't change it I'm very lucky to have two healthy kids but my god it's hard work.

Mrs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have 4 children. Two in their twenties and have flown the nest. I was 19 when I had my first. The second came 4 years later.

I then had two more children in my late 30's. It's like I had two kids twice.

I found it easier in my 20's. Sleepless nights were easier to handle and I had more energy in general, pregnancy was a breeze.

Late 30's I could tell the difference in tired and energy levels. It was lot harder. Pregnancy was harder.

But I love being older with young ones. I'm more chilled out and mellow. I don't get stressed need to be so organised like I did when I was younger. I have a more care free let's just wing it, it'll be fun stance. Yesterday I double booked one of them. But managed to get them to both things without a single stress involved. They just missed two hours of one event for another. In my 20's I'd have beaten myself up for that.

The only drawback is having two kids the ages I've got takes me off the relationship table together as no man will want my package. And I don't blame them but it does suck a bit.

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By *illy IdolMan
over a year ago

Midlands

There's definitely pros and cons to both. I had mine when I was older which worked for me. It allowed me to do the things I wanted to do like travel, but my energy levels aren't the same now as they were in my 20s.

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By *eeliciouschaos OP   Woman
over a year ago

Wherever


"Having done it in my 20s, doing it all again 2 decades later held no appeal "

It strangely held an appeal to me and I had two kids within two years, which was a bit challenging at the beginning but they are now very close, almost like twins and it’s such a good thing to see.

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By *luttyLaylaWoman
over a year ago

North West

I don’t have kids yet and I’m 30.

I always said if i was going to have one, it would be 35. I wanted to be sure, financially, i could give a child the lifestyle I was afforded growing up .

But the closer I get to that the reality is I don’t want them lol. I LOVE my life.

I think you could always be in a better position, and no right or wrong way. As long as you love your life

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By *luttyLaylaWoman
over a year ago

North West


"As the child of a father who was 47 (and 49 when my brother came along), I can say it's very difficult to be expected to provide care to your elderly father (he's now 84), whilst being the parent of primary school aged children. Both my brother and I are in this position and it's impossible. We can't leave our children unsupervised when expected to drop everything.

Older parents should think about this and make appropriate plans for their future care.

Parents shouldn't have kids as an insurance policy for old age. Childless pensioners have to manage.

Unfortunately this isn't how it works out in reality. Parents refuse to make use of care and expect their offspring to do it. I've been woken up both weekend mornings this weekend by the alarm monitoring company. They're supposed to go out and check on my Dad when the alarm goes off, but because they see he has a "next of kin", they ring that person (me) instead. They didn't even go out this morning.

My expectations for childless elderly people or those without other family to keep an eye out, is that they are left largely to struggle and don't receive adequate care, unless they make plans and/or pay for it. Needing free/subsidised care is a challenge for anyone, childless or not. "

This makes me really sad.

We’ve all rallied round my grandparents before their death as needed.

But never at any point did they ask for it or expect it.

They all went into residential homes and supported living earlier to reduce any burden and so they could still have more independence.

My grandad earlier this year became a whiz on online ordering as he wouldn’t have us going to Tesco or collecting his Chinese for him haha

Definitely agree, children aren’t carers

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My sister had a child at 15. She's is now 42 which means her daughter is all grown up and my sister can get on with her life.

I've not long had a boy and in my 40s I am really worried I'm not going to be fit enough to keep up with him in his teens.

I'm also jealous that my sister can now enjoy her life without restriction xx

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By *hellebelleWoman
over a year ago

ashford

I was 20 when I had my son and I waited 8 yrs before deciding to do it all again for my daughter who I sadly lost when she was just 6 months old.

I’m now 47 and just waiting for the day when my son hurry’s up and makes me a nanna and I can’t bloody wait because I’m going to be able to help out when needed etc but with a sense of relief knowing I get to hand it/them back and don’t need to have to deal with the joys and not so joyful moments of parenthood 24/7, because I know I couldn’t do it all again and wouldn’t want too at my age.

Also…. The term some consultants still use is really unpleasant… geriatric mother… I mean.. what’s all that about!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had mine very young. They’re now adults so I’m still young enough to enjoy life couldn’t do it now so I hope mine don’t make me a granny anytime soon!

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire


"I was 20 when I had my son and I waited 8 yrs before deciding to do it all again for my daughter who I sadly lost when she was just 6 months old.

I’m now 47 and just waiting for the day when my son hurry’s up and makes me a nanna and I can’t bloody wait because I’m going to be able to help out when needed etc but with a sense of relief knowing I get to hand it/them back and don’t need to have to deal with the joys and not so joyful moments of parenthood 24/7, because I know I couldn’t do it all again and wouldn’t want too at my age.

Also…. The term some consultants still use is really unpleasant… geriatric mother… I mean.. what’s all that about!

"

It's just a medical term

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 19/11/23 14:47:16]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Also…. The term some consultants still use is really unpleasant… geriatric mother… I mean.. what’s all that about!

It's just a medical term "

Some terms used are quite unhelpful though.. like 'failure to progress'.

T

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I had my son in my early 20s and then two kids in my 40s.

I can clearly see the difference, as well as pros and cons of my decision.

This thread is a continuation of a conversation I had with someone recently.

It would be interesting to hear what you think and please share your experience if you can.

"

I’m 32 bisexual and I do want children. This is an interesting thread. I’m yet to find a gf to settle down and have my own family. I would like it though.

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By *GermanInLondonMan
over a year ago

London

My kids were born when I was in my thirties.

The pros were that I had plenty of time to study, travel and build a career.

So I think I got the best of both sides... Enjoy life first and see the world and now enjoy life with children. Although it slows down career progression they are my priority.

Speaking as a male though. I guess as a female it is unfortunately still very difficult to get a fair approach to work/family life in our society. If early then education maybe an issue if later then risks to the career...

Would be interesting to see if things have changed a lot over here? In the part of Germany I am from it is still mostly a very traditional approach.

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By *elvet RopeMan
over a year ago

by the big field

Cons will be having children, lack of spare cash, noise, mess, no lie in at the weekend, can’t do what you want when you want, no nice holidays at adult only resorts, you’ll be listening to pepper pig or something in the car or at home- more children around l as they will have friends, endless present buying for all the birthdays, constant tiredness.

Pros….errr- can’t help you on that, not having snot goblins- would ask my friends but they’re all freezing their arses off at kids football or busy with the 5th load of washing

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

I had mine young (in a previous relationship) age 23 and that was right for me.

I had the youth and energy to deal with sleep deprivation, that I couldn't have managed in my 40s dealing with menopause. Conceiving in my 40s would have been unlikely anyway.

However, if you're fit and healthy I see no problem with being an older parent. You're more likely to be financially stable and able to offer a good life to a child.

Nita

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

One in my late teens, two in my late 20s. I think if you really want them and can care for & support them, not at risk of being a burden in old-age, you should have them at any age you like. Great parents can be old and single if you have a plan that works

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By *rozac_fairyCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

I spread the kids gaps quite abit. My oldest is 17, youngest is 4.

Had my first baby at 16, I'm not saying I would recommend that to anyone but for me, it made little to no difference to my life. I moved out shortly after my GCSEs, had my own place (rented a flat from a friend's parents), worked, went to college. Then went onto uni, traveled, socialised when I had available time. Had a normal experience really.

I've always opted for self employment so I could work around my kids.

For me, I much preferred having children at a younger age than older. The hardest part of being younger was the stigma and judgment from others rather than being unable to live my life how I wanted to

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

I had my first child at 17 and my last at 42 much better later age for me! More patience need less sleep! Had 4 in between the 2! Only downside for me was that my last 3 and my Only 3 grandchildren were same ages more or less! All in same school years as each other! My youngest being 10 days older than my youngest grandchild! So feel I missed out although I saw them every day growing up! Having my children same age as them feel I missed out somehow Now I have great grandchildren it's almost like they are my grandchildren! Appreciate them greatly x

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By *eeliciouschaos OP   Woman
over a year ago

Wherever

Thank you everyone who has contributed to this thread. It’s been very interesting reading your comments, what a lovely responses all around

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By *essiCouple
over a year ago

suffolk

As the youngest child of 5,my mum was 39 when I was born and my dad 43..growing up being the 'baby' had both good and points, just ask my siblings..I lost my mum when I was almost 30 and my 2 children were 6 and 5..I had my children while I was young so I would be around longer (hopefully) for them both, unlike my mum..

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By *oneybee1001Woman
over a year ago

Around and about

[Removed by poster at 19/11/23 18:22:38]

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By *oneybee1001Woman
over a year ago

Around and about

I had my little blessings in my early 20s and it was just what felt right for me, always felt I'd be a young parent. I've now got a lot of nieces and nephews under 5 (my siblings were much younger than me and only started having babies in their 30s) and I adore the little tykes but they are exhausting!

You get blessed with them when it's right for you. I'm now looking forward to grandbabies - hopefully in the next few years so I can enjoy seeing them grow to adulthood and have their own babies. I've still got grandparents and they've been a phenomenal influence in my life

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By *ortyairCouple
over a year ago

Wallasey

I had 4 kids at 27 yesterday old. It was hard work but loved every minute.

I became a Nanny at 43 Yr old, having 6, soon to be 7, grandchildren

I cannot describe how much love I have for my grand kids but if youre a grandparent yourself you'll already know.

I'm glad I had my children young so that I can see my grandchildren grow up, Mrs x

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

I am glad my Dad was 23 and Mum 21 when they had me. They had a lot of youthful energy to build the family and surroundings. There is just 3 year gap between me and middle brother and 3 year then between him and youngest. That worked out well for us.

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By * and R cple4Couple
over a year ago

swansea

We had our kids when we were very young everyone said how much we were missing out on etc.

All our kids now are young adults we are still very much young enough to go out and have fun and we are making up for what we missed out on when our kids were younger.

We have friends with young kids and We are glad we had ours when we were younger .

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