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Dealing with loss

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Up to the beginning of this year I would say I have been lucky in not losing anyone too close to me. Then in May I lost my dad and just last week I lost one of oldest and dearest friends, one who's relationship I had was at times much better than my dad's. Not sure have taken on board either one yet, especially the second one. Esp when there is a bit of guilt there as the loss of friend hits harder than loss of dad. This is partly down to the friend knowing so much more about me and accepting me for me.

At the moment it's easier to think of good memories with my friend than my dad but hopefully the latter will come. As was watching match of the day last night I couldn't help but think main reason I watched previously was to debrief with them.

Think the second loss has brought on an ibs attack which led to me having to cancel a trip back to Ireland.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I understand and I really do sympathise. I've lost 2 really good friends in the last year ( one very recently). I lost my mum 15 years ago and even now have those moments when I think I'll give her a bell and ask her something! I'm still in the ( I can't believe it's happened stage)

There was an inquest for my friend so the funeral isn't until next week. I don't think life is very fair sometimes. They had just had the all clear from cancer, only to be killed in a hit and run. Tragic for the family though..

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By *ilsaGeorgeCouple
over a year ago

kent

I’m sorry OP. Grief is a different journey for everyone. The established stages are somewhat accurate, but I think they provide conversation points rather than being actually useful to a person. There is no right or wrong way to process grief.

I am, sadly, an expert on grief. I’ve been to more funerals than weddings. Illness, accidents, suicide, old age, family, friends and children. All I can say is that time adds layers of experience around your grief. It’s always there, but it becomes muffled as time goes by. There is nothing you can do to speed this up or slow it down or make it easier. It just happens. The only thing that I found that actually helps is just being around other people. Keep talking, here, out there, wherever you can. Xx

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By *xfordjohnMan
over a year ago

Oxford

I have a lot of sympathy with how you are feeling. At the start of this year I lost my younger brother, then three months ago my lovely wife who was definitely my best friend too (and was happy for me to be active here). I know what you say about friends being closer than relatives. That has always been true for me too.

Coming to terms with all this will take a long time, for you too I guess; I think it's important to think that they will live on in our hearts and memories; they've only disappeared in a physical sense. Nevertheless, it's hard when one is reminded of loss every day. I can't imagine that will ever stop.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Losing close friends is hard. So, after losing a few very young, twenties, I just stopped making any more friends.

My dog was bad but losing a child destroys a part of you. You shouldn't outlive your children.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

My now 24 year old daughter lost her dad at 11 then 2 years later her step grandad at 13 she confided in me that she felt sader at loss of my stepdad than her own dad! She asked me not to tell her siblings! But I said to her don't feel guilty your feelings are just that your feelings u don't control how u feel x

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

Cruse is an excellent source of help. I lost my father in 2019. For me too, it was my first close loss, and it broke me for a while.

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By *ou only live onceMan
over a year ago

London

I don't really have any answers, OP, but I think that's because there are as many answers as there are people. Grief hits us all differently.

For what it's worth, I think you've just got to take your time, be kind to yourself (there's no set time in which you need to be "over" your losses), and don't think there's a "right" way to feel. There isn't. Look after yourself.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Firstly I'm very sorry that you've lost two people do close to you. That's hard.

Dealing with loss is very much an individual thing. Accepting that it's ok to feel whatever you feel makes it easier to deal with the feelings if not the loss.

I lost seven members of my immediate family in the space of about 14 months starting with my mother followed by my sister in law. How I dealt with it was quite differently to a lot of people and the people who truly understood that were the most supportive.

Talk if you want to, don't talk if you'd rather not and don't let anybody tell you how you should deal with it

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross


"Up to the beginning of this year I would say I have been lucky in not losing anyone too close to me. Then in May I lost my dad and just last week I lost one of oldest and dearest friends, one who's relationship I had was at times much better than my dad's. Not sure have taken on board either one yet, especially the second one. Esp when there is a bit of guilt there as the loss of friend hits harder than loss of dad. This is partly down to the friend knowing so much more about me and accepting me for me.

At the moment it's easier to think of good memories with my friend than my dad but hopefully the latter will come. As was watching match of the day last night I couldn't help but think main reason I watched previously was to debrief with them.

Think the second loss has brought on an ibs attack which led to me having to cancel a trip back to Ireland. "

I can sense the pain and confusion that you are feeling right now.

You've lost your father and hardly had time to come to terms with that before you lose a close friend.

You are now dealing with both events and the situation is causing you to compare both losses and this is causing inner turmoil and making you anxious and self questioning.

It's clear from what you say that you loved them both and will remember all the good times you had with each of them as individuals as things settle over time.

Make sure you give yourself some time to process events.

Here's to you coming through x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dear OP,

Firstly I am sorry to hear of your losses.

People will always want to share their own grief in a supportive way, and to show they understand how you are feeling.

However, this is your grief.

You will experience different forms of emotions, guilt being one.

Allow these emotions to come, don't fight them.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but there is support out there should you want it.

You may have day's where you want to talk, other days you just want to be left alone,and that's ok. You don't have to justify it to anyone.

My main advice is be kind to yourself, because the pain is raw and like no other.

We're here if you need us.

Sending virtual hugs xx

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

I'm sorry for your loss op and likewise to those others posting above.

Between the years 1983 and 1989 I lost 8 family members including my dad and both maternal grandparents as well as both godparents.

I became completely numb to death and loss and couldn't grieve at all.

In more recent times I have lost a number of close friends, family members and work colleagues all around the Christmas and New year period so as a result I have an intense dislike of that time of year.

Since mid December last year I have once again lost 3 close family members, two of which were within 5 weeks of each other and in the last month have also lost a close friend and colleague of over 40 years.

His wife told me at his funeral that I was classed as family which was an unexpected honour.

I can't give any advice how to deal with loss because even with all that I have lost I have always had to be the strong one in the family making arrangements etc and so much of it has never sunk in.

I feel really sad at moments when I'm not expecting such as driving passed places where I shared memories with the lost ones.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am to sorry for your loss op. I lost my Dad last year, although it was expected it was still I big loss to the family and myself.

It has taken me months to get over his loss but I know he would all of his family to carry on with their lives as normal as possible.

I threw myself into hobbies and speaking with friends an people and that has helped alot.

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By *uksungCouple
over a year ago

wednesbury

[Removed by poster at 05/11/23 15:02:46]

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Well finally my friend's funeral has been arranged and as with dad I will be acting as one of the pall bearers

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Well finally my friend's funeral has been arranged and as with dad I will be acting as one of the pall bearers "

Sending love +hugs.. Be kind to yourself x

I'm going to my 7th funeral i think in 4 weeks time

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By *4bimMan
over a year ago

Farnborough Hampshire

lost my partner.

what can you do about it? nothing.

took me a good while to understand and pick myself up but it was harder for her family than me i guess.

you just had to carry on, best you can

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By *aissez-faireMan
over a year ago

Right behind you…. Boo

Grief can be incredibly debilitating. Try not to let the sadness interfere with other things in your life that bring you joy. You can still be happy about other things while missing your friend (no matter how painful that may be).

If you find you’re struggling don’t be afraid to seek help. There are a lot of grief charities who would be happy to chat with you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Well finally my friend's funeral has been arranged and as with dad I will be acting as one of the pall bearers

Sending love +hugs.. Be kind to yourself x

I'm going to my 7th funeral i think in 4 weeks time "

Wow and hugs

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Well my friend's send off was lovely and fitting.

Not cried properly yet for him or dad but not sure I will. I'm more cause myself pain to deal with it but fortunately not done that yet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Well my friend's send off was lovely and fitting.

Not cried properly yet for him or dad but not sure I will. I'm more cause myself pain to deal with it but fortunately not done that yet. "

Xx

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"Well my friend's send off was lovely and fitting.

Not cried properly yet for him or dad but not sure I will. I'm more cause myself pain to deal with it but fortunately not done that yet. "
Don't beat yourself up about not crying. My partner passed away last October and I haven't shed a single tear. We all grieve in different ways

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By *izaandstuCouple
19 weeks ago

Wigan

I lost my partner of 27 years last year it totally broke me. I lost all motivation for everything. I have still not got around to changing our profile on here. I know most people say the same but she was my soul mate and my true love. We shared everything our total fantasies and desires. I know i will never love anyone like i loved her i feel so guilty if i feel like i am not thinking about her every minute of every day. All my memories we made including on here make me smile and remind me of the good times we shared

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By *h3rry Bomb80Man
19 weeks ago

the moon


"I lost my partner of 27 years last year it totally broke me. I lost all motivation for everything. I have still not got around to changing our profile on here. I know most people say the same but she was my soul mate and my true love. We shared everything our total fantasies and desires. I know i will never love anyone like i loved her i feel so guilty if i feel like i am not thinking about her every minute of every day. All my memories we made including on here make me smile and remind me of the good times we shared "

Snap ..,3yrs ago .. 🫂

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
19 weeks ago

ashford

My first sibling died last Friday! A younger brother! Hard to belive! Not a stranger to death! And realise we all go! But still seems unfathomable!that will never see him again! X

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By *obilebottomMan
19 weeks ago

All over


"My first sibling died last Friday! A younger brother! Hard to belive! Not a stranger to death! And realise we all go! But still seems unfathomable!that will never see him again! X"

Very sorry to hear of your loss.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
19 weeks ago

ashford


"My first sibling died last Friday! A younger brother! Hard to belive! Not a stranger to death! And realise we all go! But still seems unfathomable!that will never see him again! X

Very sorry to hear of your loss. "

Thank u x

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By *KTim61Man
19 weeks ago

Tipton

My mom passed away 26 yrs ago with Breast cancer that spread even though she was having radiotherapy, she was only 56.

My dad passed away 6 yrs ago with Prostate cancer, but he had the start of Parkinson's disease, even though the doctors said he was fit for his age at 80 he had angina at the end.

My 1 older Brother sadly took his own life !!! He was only 59 due to his mental health.

My oldest brother, like my dad had prostate cancer & passed with Angina attack my younger brother found him home alone. As his wife was away.

My youngest brother lost twins as they were born prematurely, the doctors even had to operate on the 1 son but sadly not to be. I was looking after their 2 other children while my Brother & his wife were at the hospital.

With all the sad passing in my family it's not helped me as I'm on meds myself as is my younger Brother and sister

God Bless them

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