FabSwingers.com forum: Does all this experience change you?

By *ose-tinted Glasses OP Man
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

I saw this status on my local feed this morning.

"I’ve ruined sex for myself with all the group stuff and now one guy at a time does not excite as much."

I think that’s a bit extreme (and quite sad to read) but it made me think a bit.

Is swinging like opening a door you can never close again? Once your mind is open, once you’ve tried a *lot* of things … are you ever the same person again?

I’d say no, we’re all changed by every experience, sexual or not. But what do you think?

And does anyone else feel a bit ‘off’ vanilla sex after trying more varied things? (I don’t, by the way. But what about you?)

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

I think of it as like sampling a new cheese. Nice as a treat now and then but it’s the call of the cheddar that brings me comfort.

Wild sex is great. But so if cosy familiar sex.

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By *esthetic21Man
over a year ago

Birmingham/Bristol

Sounds about right but if you fall in love there's always that

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By *ose-tinted Glasses OP Man
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

"I think of it as like sampling a new cheese. Nice as a treat now and then but it’s the call of the cheddar that brings me comfort."

I did not expect a cheese metaphor, but I like it! That’s a great way of explaining it.

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By *illy IdolMan
over a year ago

Midlands

I've eaten in Michelin starred restaurants, but it doesn't mean I don't still enjoy beans on toast.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
over a year ago

Carlisle usually

No.

I'm perfectly capable of being satisfied by vanilla sex with someone I care for. The rest doesn't matter in that moment.

I think a lot of the issue is the way people are always looking for more, what's next, what's bigger, what's better.

There's nothing wrong with being content with what you have. There's no need to push boundaries constantly for the sake of it. Frankly, at this point in my life, I know where my boundaries are and I'm perfectly happy for them to remain in place indefinitely.

Sure, I do love the group and audience and BDSM stuff. But is that remotely relevant to a meaningful vanilla experience? No. That moment is what matters then.

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By *illy IdolMan
over a year ago

Midlands

"I think of it as like sampling a new cheese. Nice as a treat now and then but it’s the call of the cheddar that brings me comfort.

Wild sex is great. But so if cosy familiar sex."

You beat me to this analogy. Bloody slow typers

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By *ose-tinted Glasses OP Man
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

"I've eaten in Michelin starred restaurants, but it doesn't mean I don't still enjoy beans on toast."

Just don’t tell your next date that she’s ‘beans on toast’. Whoever she might be, she won’t like that.

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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago

Bristol

We met a couple socially and it turned out they were in the process of splitting up because the male of the couple wasn’t really interested in sex as a couple any more, it was only in swinging scenarios he was keen.

So it can happen. But if the issue is as above, it probably would have happened anyway.

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By *illy IdolMan
over a year ago

Midlands

"I've eaten in Michelin starred restaurants, but it doesn't mean I don't still enjoy beans on toast.

Just don’t tell your next date that she’s ‘beans on toast’. Whoever she might be, she won’t like that."

I won't spill the beans

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can empathise! I started to feel like this about 2yrs in. Swinging can be a double edged sword for sure and finding a balance is key. Bowing out altogether is resetting my outlook - definitely prefer monogamy and getting to know people at more complex level s

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I could walk away from here tomorrow if I wanted to and I’d still be more than satisfied with 1-1 “vanilla” sex, this is just a nice little added bonus.

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By *ose-tinted Glasses OP Man
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

"We met a couple socially and it turned out they were in the process of splitting up because the male of the couple wasn’t really interested in sex as a couple any more, it was only in swinging scenarios he was keen."

I think some people have addictive personalities (that’s probably not the right description - I mean some people are prone to addiction and escalation). And I think cases like that are to do with what Prey mentioned earlier:

"I think a lot of the issue is the way people are always looking for more, what's next, what's bigger, what's better."

So basically late-stage capitalism is probably to blame.

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By *ansoffateMan
over a year ago

Sagittarius A

It's quite a broad set of questions, feels like an invitation to explore the topic.

I think experience changes us, that's pretty much scientific fact? Biology isn't my best science but it's phenotypical expression from interaction with the environment? The neurons that fire together wire together.

So my experience has come from a core of being with partners in loving relationships. I don't think vanilla would ever fit the bill for any of them though. It's really just how deeply we've shared and explored our kink. We went through phases were it's more one way or the other, it always cycled back to us though.

As a single man it's quite different as I feel there's far more opportunity available by limiting the emotional connection aspect. But in my mind they aren't distinct categories and never have been. That dissonance ironically got tested quite strongly last night and drove home what I am about and desire.

Would that have been different if my experiences had been different? Probably but life is the decisions you make in the situations you find yourself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've eaten in Michelin starred restaurants, but it doesn't mean I don't still enjoy beans on toast."

Wow… that’s a really bad metaphor.

You saying that the partner is beans on toast and the random sex is 5*?!

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By *ornywelsh2sumCouple
over a year ago

Neath valley.

Sex with others will never eclipse the passion i have with the hubby. Our connection is more than just fucking. I had many message saying they would fuck me better than the Mr but that can never be as it would be just sex. If you let it become deeper than sex then problems can arise.

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By *ulieAndBeefCouple
over a year ago

Manchester-ish

It probably does change you. There are probably all sorts of perfect analogies but my brain is struggling today.

I was in my early twenties when I lost my virginity. I met B not long after and we've been married over twenty years. So the last 12 months have been quite the journey

It's been wonderful! We have been lucky to meet some incredible people.

Still, the vast majority of our sex is vanilla and it's fantastic. I don't know if the genie would go back in the bottle. But at the moment we don't want it to.

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By *rsMistyPeaksWoman
over a year ago

Essex

It really irritates me how vanilla is bandied round as a bad thing. Not on this thread especially.

Good vanilla is amazing. Whether it’s ice cream, Madagascan vanilla pod custard (I always have a good theme too) or sex with someone that you care for.

Swinging is like restaurants for me. I like sampling different menus but don’t have a favourite cuisine. They all hit different spots at different times - whether I want spice, richness, a light bite…. But I create brilliant things in my own kitchen.

It has made me look at relationships and myself a lot more. Before I joined here I wasn’t as aware or knowledgeable about Poly or ENM. Now I’ve found my home - I’m much happier in myself. I feel less disjointed.

Freedom, self expression and self love are wonderful things.

So for now I’m sampling and enjoying, but mindful of not gorging myself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I feel the longer I'm here, not actually doing the sex but reading about other people doing the sex, the less I want the sex.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

I don't swing really. I'm barely a fan of threesomes - definitely needs to be exceptional people I like and am attracted to for it to be appealing. More than 3 and it's very likely never going to happen.

So plus I'm able to appreciate the "less is more" vibe. Take each interaction as its own thing.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

"I feel the longer I'm here, not actually doing the sex but reading about other people doing the sex, the less I want the sex.

So it's your wank bank! Got it!

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By *ansoffateMan
over a year ago

Sagittarius A

So basically late-stage capitalism is probably to blame. "

Can't believe I am about to defend capitalism... I think it's a little more complex. I think humans have an existential need to reach beyond themselves. Once basic needs are met. Actualising tendency it's often referred to.

Consumerism, throw away culture and the decadent (anthropological sense) phase of any culture (be it capitalism or otherwise) tends to inhibit actualising tendency - a kind of cultural apathy due to a lack of faith in its core, socially binding principles.

E.g. what's the point in voting they're all the same etc.

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By *ose-tinted Glasses OP Man
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

That cultural apathy does seem to go hand-in-hand with the drive to *want*, though. To always want the next, the biggest, the shiniest (and in this scenario, the kinkiest).

Correlation or causation, though? I’m not sure.

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

It does seem like many on here seek some kind of escalation of the sex to the point that they become unable to enjoy it without some kind of edge to it.

Aside from enjoying sex with an extra guy involved, being here hasn't changed the kind of sex I enjoy

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By *rozac_fairyCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

No. "Vanilla" sex/play is always something I've found a little boring anyway so was introducing different types of kink etc in from a younger age. Adding swing in is just another extra to add as and when we feel like it. It hasn't changed anything for us

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By *ansoffateMan
over a year ago

Sagittarius A

"That cultural apathy does seem to go hand-in-hand with the drive to *want*, though. To always want the next, the biggest, the shiniest (and in this scenario, the kinkiest).

Correlation or causation, though? I’m not sure."

I think to explore such a topic you have to accept certainty wrt causation is never going to be definitive.

The apathy I see is more a move from seeking something more meaningful. To a more base satisfaction of hedonistic pleasure. A bit like when Rome built the coliseum to placate the masses. Sensational but lacking depth.

Or as Bo Burnham puts it.

A little bit of everything all of the time. Apathy is a tragedy and boredom is a crime.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In some ways yes, a door has been opened and I'm definitely struggling to go backwards. I don't want to. If I had to go back to vanilla I think I'd still need that itch scratched and at some point I'd break.

However the reason I came here hasn't changed, which is utterly disappointing and unfulfilling, so in one way I remain unchanged but that's not because I haven't tried. I have. And I will forever seek the equalness I want. And the meeting of minds. Though the latter is going to take some doing.

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
over a year ago

North East Scotland, mostly

It's a fascinating question, OP, and I think it varies depending on your reasons for exploring sexually and whether you're doing it alone or with a partner.

I'm always anchored by my relationship with Mr TMN. All my sexual exploration which would be considered outside of the norm has been with him alongside. Over time we have explored many and varied scenarios - it doesn't always have to be bigger and better, sometimes it's been focused on something specific. It's more the freedom and confidence to explore which drives us, rather than pushing for bigger and better things.

If I was doing this as a single? I think I might fall into the bigger and better trap, yes. The feedback loop I have with Mr is a hugely important aspect of what we do, and it keeps me grounded in our relationship. Otherwise I think I could easily lose myself constantly seeking more and more sensory stimulation.

Mrs TMN x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"No.

I'm perfectly capable of being satisfied by vanilla sex with someone I care for. The rest doesn't matter in that moment.

I think a lot of the issue is the way people are always looking for more, what's next, what's bigger, what's better.

Sure, I do love the group and audience and BDSM stuff. But is that remotely relevant to a meaningful vanilla experience? No. That moment is what matters then."

This, great sex is always good but from time to time you want the connection, this cannot be forced. One includes feels and vibes the other is just getting your fix.

Personally for me it’s the person, that is what makes it better, the casual encounters might be great but that’s all it is.

However in saying that Iv also found that some causal sex leads to one partner eventually wanting more, becomes difficult when marriage is involved lol.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The kink experiences have changed me because I recognise what I need and I can't do without it. Doesn't mean I need it every time though.

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By *ulieAndBeefCouple
over a year ago

Manchester-ish

"It's a fascinating question, OP, and I think it varies depending on your reasons for exploring sexually and whether you're doing it alone or with a partner.

Mrs TMN x"

I like this answer very much.

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By *ansoffateMan
over a year ago

Sagittarius A

"It's a fascinating question, OP, and I think it varies depending on your reasons for exploring sexually and whether you're doing it alone or with a partner.

Mrs TMN x"

I find that really beautiful, and whilst I feel so happy for you - there's also a little pang of envy still that fate stole it from me. I am ok with that though I am still smiling for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've never been attracted by group sex, gang bang, orgies etc., and only experienced fmf (whatever). That was fun but I'd much rather explore each others kinks with just one woman.

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By *illy IdolMan
over a year ago

Midlands

"I've eaten in Michelin starred restaurants, but it doesn't mean I don't still enjoy beans on toast.

Wow… that’s a really bad metaphor.

You saying that the partner is beans on toast and the random sex is 5*?!

Depends on what you like I guess. I could eat beans on toast everyday. I absolutely love it and it never fails to disappoint me. It's far more comforting than dry ice inside a triple stuffed bird

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By *illy IdolMan
over a year ago

Midlands

"I've eaten in Michelin starred restaurants, but it doesn't mean I don't still enjoy beans on toast.

Wow… that’s a really bad metaphor.

You saying that the partner is beans on toast and the random sex is 5*?!

Depends on what you like I guess. I could eat beans on toast everyday. I absolutely love it and it never fails to disappoint me. It's far more comforting than dry ice inside a triple stuffed bird"

Also I never mentioned anything about a partner being beans on toast.

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By *ornycougaWoman
over a year ago

Wherever I lay my hat

"I've eaten in Michelin starred restaurants, but it doesn't mean I don't still enjoy beans on toast.

Wow… that’s a really bad metaphor.

You saying that the partner is beans on toast and the random sex is 5*?!

That's exactly why I refuse to meet guys 1on1 who are primarily looking for hotwives/meet with couples/meet at parties or clubs.... I feel that I would be the beans on toast. Not a risk I'm prepared to take

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Much like going to festivals, pub singers just don't cut it. Sex is the same.

After having amazing sexual fun, a beige mundane shuffle is just meh. Rather just have a wank.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've eaten in Michelin starred restaurants, but it doesn't mean I don't still enjoy beans on toast.

Wow… that’s a really bad metaphor.

You saying that the partner is beans on toast and the random sex is 5*?!

Depends on what you like I guess. I could eat beans on toast everyday. I absolutely love it and it never fails to disappoint me. It's far more comforting than dry ice inside a triple stuffed bird"

Agree, beans on toast is always good. Michelin restaurant poncey shit... no.

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
over a year ago

North East Scotland, mostly

"It's a fascinating question, OP, and I think it varies depending on your reasons for exploring sexually and whether you're doing it alone or with a partner.

Mrs TMN x

I find that really beautiful, and whilst I feel so happy for you - there's also a little pang of envy still that fate stole it from me. I am ok with that though I am still smiling for you.

I'm truly sorry, Hans

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By *ansoffateMan
over a year ago

Sagittarius A

Mrs TMN x

I find that really beautiful, and whilst I feel so happy for you - there's also a little pang of envy still that fate stole it from me. I am ok with that though I am still smiling for you.

I'm truly sorry, Hans

Thank you, but honestly don't feel sorry for me. When I read things like that now, it inspires me, sometimes even gives me a little glimmer of hope.

As far as I am concerned, what you have is the most sacred thing in human experience. It's wonderful.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I think a lot of fab people practice what I think of as 'vanilla' sex anyway even in a swinging situation they rarely stray outside of the tried and tested oral followed by penetration formula.

Swinging has changed me in that I am way more wary and cynical but far more open to things I've never experienced should opportunity present itself

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By *eronicaExplorerWoman
over a year ago

London

Definitively

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

To a point, yes. I'm not sure i could be happy with a monogamous relationship now. But i still really enjoy 1 to 1.

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

Not really, because despite going for 10 years without any sexual contact at all I have never been like a kid in a sweet shop or running around like a puppy since joining here 7 years ago.

I had zero experience of sites such as this and I have never seen it as a lifestyle choice and sex has never been a priority.

I treat it as more of a hobby where I am extremely choosy in who I meet and any new experiences while welcome and enjoyable have never changed me.

I haven't seen or done anything on here yet that would cause me to change as a person or to view sexual encounters differently.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

If anything it's put me off fab meets rather than off the vanilla so the opposite here.

I've seen enough cocks and gaping arseholes to dry me up for years to come.

Don't get me wrong I've met some amazing people and had some great sexual experiences however they are in the minority overall in terms of fab experiences.

I could quite happily be monogamous it doesn't phase me in the slightest but then again I don't see this as a lifestyle for me, it's a little fun added extra.

Mrs

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By *iercedAndTattooedNE6Couple
over a year ago

Newcastle

I think too many overthink it all, relax enjoy and have a shit ton of fun and filth and if you can’t do that is the lifestyle for you ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it does change you. But most experiences do. What matters is in what way it changes you.

I think people should be clear why they are here and what they are hoping to get out of it. If it's not happening or you don't like what you see then leave otherwise, enjoy the journey.

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By *ife NinjaMan
over a year ago

Dunfermline

"It really irritates me how vanilla is bandied round as a bad thing. Not on this thread especially.

Good vanilla is amazing. Whether it’s ice cream, Madagascan vanilla pod custard (I always have a good theme too) or sex with someone that you care for.

Freedom, self expression and self love are wonderful things.

So for now I’m sampling and enjoying, but mindful of not gorging myself."

Do you a flake in your vanilla?

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By *riar BelisseWoman
over a year ago

Delightful Bliss

No...It gave me the recipe on how to orgasm orally, how to learn how domme I am, how to not put up with a shit shag, just cos I like him. My sex life was mediocre before fab, now it's fucking delightful

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By *hief_Of_AlwaysMan
over a year ago

The last house on the left…

Pfft

I’ve yet to be lucky enough to get “ruined”

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