FabSwingers.com forum: Culinary Catastrophes

By *ensuallover1000 OP Man
over a year ago

Somewhere In The Ether…

Ow do good folks

I’m admittedly not a particularly skilful cook myself so am very often highly impressed by your recipes/dishes that have been mentioned on various threads on here; Well done to you!

But today, I don’t wish to hear of your successes; Nay, I want you to reveal here your most spectacular cooking failures.

Off you go

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By *ulieAndBeefCouple
over a year ago

Manchester-ish

That time I put a dinner that took two hours to cook in the oven. But forgot to turn the oven on.

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By *nitterWoman
over a year ago

the land of tall tales and yarn

I like to think I know my way around the kitchen even if I do say so myself. However today one of the peeps asked to have a fry up for dinner

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By *hunky ChefMan
over a year ago

Norwich

Fajita with jalapenos.

It was on request though.

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By *ulieAndBeefCouple
over a year ago

Manchester-ish

"I like to think I know my way around the kitchen even if I do say so myself. However today one of the peeps asked to have a fry up for dinner

Breakfast for dinner is one of my favourites!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Atleast 50% of my food is takeaway as I am completely incapable of cooking.

I did once try to cook a microwave pizza, but it wasn't working and just turned sloppy. Apparently the microwave was set to defrost. Tried to remedy by putting it on high for half the recommended duration and it turned to non-edible pizza shaped stone.

Some of my more successful attempts at being Gordon Ramsey are...

Ketchup on toast

Coco pops sandwich

Macaroni cheese sandwich

Waffles with syrup and a burger

I am not taking requests for weddings unfortunately

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By *hePerkyPumpkinTV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol

I had little to no food in the house and it was too late to go shopping.

So I created an abomination.

Peanut butter and Marmite pasta

I wasn't pleased.

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By *ulieAndBeefCouple
over a year ago

Manchester-ish

It's not my culinary catastrophe but we were recently at an Indian restaurant where they served whole olives with the poppadoms. That was a taste sensation combination that I don't ever want to have again.

The rest of the food was amazing though!

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By *hunky ChefMan
over a year ago

Norwich

"I had little to no food in the house and it was too late to go shopping.

So I created an abomination.

Peanut butter and Marmite pasta

I wasn't pleased."

How much did you manage to eat from that?

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By *nitterWoman
over a year ago

the land of tall tales and yarn

"I had little to no food in the house and it was too late to go shopping.

So I created an abomination.

Peanut butter and Marmite pasta

I wasn't pleased."

I have no words

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By *aissez-faireMan
over a year ago

Right behind you…. Boo

Had friends over for dinner recently and totally forgot the husband had a nut allergy. Had to rapidly move all the food outside, deep clean the kitchen and order a take away while he had an Epi pen hit and a lay down in a spare bed.

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By *hePerkyPumpkinTV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol

"I had little to no food in the house and it was too late to go shopping.

So I created an abomination.

Peanut butter and Marmite pasta

I wasn't pleased.

How much did you manage to eat from that?"

I ate most of it... I was hungry

I tried to make a sauce (but I had no butter and almost no milk)

So I used margarine, flour and water; mixed in a shit tonne of peanut butter to fix the watery mess I'd made... then thought fuck it let's just add some marmite

Heated it and stirred until it was gloopy enough

Then poured it over my pasta

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By *aizyWoman
over a year ago

west midlands

"I had little to no food in the house and it was too late to go shopping.

So I created an abomination.

Peanut butter and Marmite pasta

I wasn't pleased."

I am not pleased on your behalf, that sounds horrendous!

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By *nitterWoman
over a year ago

the land of tall tales and yarn

"I had little to no food in the house and it was too late to go shopping.

So I created an abomination.

Peanut butter and Marmite pasta

I wasn't pleased.

How much did you manage to eat from that?

I ate most of it... I was hungry

I tried to make a sauce (but I had no butter and almost no milk)

So I used margarine, flour and water; mixed in a shit tonne of peanut butter to fix the watery mess I'd made... then thought fuck it let's just add some marmite

Heated it and stirred until it was gloopy enough

Then poured it over my pasta"

I'm crying and not just on the inside

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By *hePerkyPumpkinTV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol

"I had little to no food in the house and it was too late to go shopping.

So I created an abomination.

Peanut butter and Marmite pasta

I wasn't pleased.

I am not pleased on your behalf, that sounds horrendous!

I feel like it could have worked in the right hands

It did not work when I did it

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By *hunky ChefMan
over a year ago

Norwich

"I had little to no food in the house and it was too late to go shopping.

So I created an abomination.

Peanut butter and Marmite pasta

I wasn't pleased.

How much did you manage to eat from that?

I ate most of it... I was hungry

I tried to make a sauce (but I had no butter and almost no milk)

So I used margarine, flour and water; mixed in a shit tonne of peanut butter to fix the watery mess I'd made... then thought fuck it let's just add some marmite

Heated it and stirred until it was gloopy enough

Then poured it over my

pasta"

Get some spam or other similar tinned meat.

They are edible with pasta and last for years in your cabinet.

Pesto if you are vegetarian or both.

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By *hunky ChefMan
over a year ago

Norwich

"I had little to no food in the house and it was too late to go shopping.

So I created an abomination.

Peanut butter and Marmite pasta

I wasn't pleased.

I am not pleased on your behalf, that sounds horrendous!

I feel like it could have worked in the right hands

It did not work when I did it "

Don't beat yourself up.

Nobody could have done anything from that.

I would have chopped some onions or something up, shallow fry it with the butter. Season the pasta with at least salt and pepper.

Bin the marmite.

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By *hePerkyPumpkinTV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol

"I had little to no food in the house and it was too late to go shopping.

So I created an abomination.

Peanut butter and Marmite pasta

I wasn't pleased.

How much did you manage to eat from that?

I ate most of it... I was hungry

I tried to make a sauce (but I had no butter and almost no milk)

So I used margarine, flour and water; mixed in a shit tonne of peanut butter to fix the watery mess I'd made... then thought fuck it let's just add some marmite

Heated it and stirred until it was gloopy enough

Then poured it over my pasta

I'm crying and not just on the inside"

We've all done things we're not proud of

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

My green tomato chutney a couple of years ago was vile and so thick it was almost impossible to spoon out. I also made some pickled beetroot once and gave it to someone who later admitted to burying it in the garden

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By *hePerkyPumpkinTV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol

"I had little to no food in the house and it was too late to go shopping.

So I created an abomination.

Peanut butter and Marmite pasta

I wasn't pleased.

I am not pleased on your behalf, that sounds horrendous!

I feel like it could have worked in the right hands

It did not work when I did it

Don't beat yourself up.

Nobody could have done anything from that.

I would have chopped some onions or something up, shallow fry it with the butter. Season the pasta with at least salt and pepper.

Bin the marmite.

If I'd had any vegetables I'd have done something like that

I just had fuck all food

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

For me it’s not actually my cooking that is the issue, just I am a bit of a firestarter.

I’ve set fire to my mums kitchen when I was younger making myself toast. I didn’t pull the toaster away from the wall/curtains and went and sat in the living room, began reading my Jackie magazine and forget about the toast.

Next thing I could hear a crackling sound. Thought “shit! The toast!” ran to the kitchen and the curtains were fully ablaze and so was half the kitchen wall (fancy tiled effect wallpaper turned out to be highly flammable!)

Ran upstairs to tell my mum and step-dad. I never saw them move so fast! I was all for legging it out the front door asap, but my step-dad started beating out the flames and my mum was chucking water. They put it out.

I didn’t even get a proper rollicking - they were too much in shock!

I’ve also set fire to numerous jacket potatoes in the microwave and have had to lob them out the kitchen window onto the lawn.

I do make a good omelette though

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By *hunky ChefMan
over a year ago

Norwich

"My green tomato chutney a couple of years ago was vile and so thick it was almost impossible to spoon out. I also made some pickled beetroot once and gave it to someone who later admitted to burying it in the garden

Spread it on bread or use it as a filling for potato skins with melted cheese on it?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Spread it on bread or use it as a filling for potato skins with melted cheese on it?"

I disposed of it. I hated wasting it but it was inedible

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By *obajxMan
over a year ago

Cheshire

When i was but a teenager, I came in from the pub, felt a bit peckish and decided to make myself cheese on toast

When the cheese side went under the grill, very bizarely, the cheese disappeared. I thought it was strange but put it down to being a bit pissed

The next morning I asked my mum what the strange disappearing cheese was. She looked at me blankly, so I got what was left out of the fridge to which she said " that's lard"

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By *archelCouple
over a year ago

A field somewhere

Me and Mr M's second date...decided to impress him with marinated chicken thighs done on the BBQ...got absolutely wankered, forgot the chicken and turned it into black carbon. Used it as fuel on our next BBQ lol

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By *ensuallover1000 OP Man
over a year ago

Somewhere In The Ether…

These stories of culinary horror have made me smile. Thank you

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By *ontWannaMissASwingCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

The abomination which was an attempt at healthier eating. Macaroni pea. Spent ages cooking it and I was so disgusting no amount of extra cheese could save it so takeaway it was.

Also the time I forgot I'd put eggs on to boil and only noticed when the pan had boiled dry and eggs started exploding.

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