FabSwingers.com forum: Feelings

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Do you have them? Do you catch them easily?

To me, sex is an intimate thing.

I don't meet random guys, I talk to guys a fair bit beforehand, but I don't want the feelings. Is there stuff you do to protect yourself from having such feelings?

Do you just walk away from those you actually like?

Have rules in place?

Put up a bitchy exterior?

I'm using my extra hour wisely.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

It's very hard for anyone to get my feelings or my time for that matter.

I guess it's different as I'm in a relationship the only person that has my feelings is the Mr there's zero chance of anyone els getting them.

Even when I was single my walls stayed high, I can have sex without feelings but I can't have sex without some kind of friendly connection, sex is sex to me feelings don't have to come into it.

To be fair if I got the feelings along with the sex we wouldn't be here.

Mrs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have caught the feels a couple of times but I think it makes for a better sexual experience.

My mind needs to be involved on a certain level so not having feelings would make it a cold, robotic act and I'm not really into that. I think it's a waste of time.

This is one reason I meet very rarely.

I deal with the emotions very carefully by myself. If I hurt, then I heal myself and move on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do you have them? Do you catch them easily?

To me, sex is an intimate thing.

I don't meet random guys, I talk to guys a fair bit beforehand, but I don't want the feelings. Is there stuff you do to protect yourself from having such feelings?

Do you just walk away from those you actually like?

Have rules in place?

Put up a bitchy exterior?

I'm using my extra hour wisely.

Sex is an intimate thing for me too. I like/have to get to know someone first. To me sex is a shared experience and not just an act.

I’ve tried to protect myself from feelings for so long and it warped my sense of self worth. I used to convince myself that others just wanted my support or help and not me for who I am. It was self preservation I think.

I’m on a new path now and honest about my feelings and if that isn’t compatible with someone else then that’s ok. I want to have fun and not be the restricted version of myself any more.

Apologies if that’s too deep for a Sunday morning

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Feelings come

Feelings go

Only way to avoid them

Is to be a heartless ho

I’d say I have some level of feelings for everyone I interact with, some people piss me off so much I think bad things about them. Some people I like and enjoy reading their posts or being in their company or talking and messaging wi th them.

Problems tend to arise when people are either dishonest about any feelings they may or may not have, or when one person’s feelings don’t match the other person’s feelings.

Either way, I’m human therefore I feel

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Feelings come

Feelings go

Only way to avoid them

Is to be a heartless ho

Problems tend to arise when people are either dishonest about any feelings they may or may not have, or when one person’s feelings don’t match the other person’s feelings.

Either way, I’m human therefore I feel

I want to be a heartless ho!

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By *enrietteandSamCouple
over a year ago

Staffordshire

I’m an island.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We definitely like feelings! I wouldn’t say that we get proper feelings like falling for people but we can’t have sex or play with people where we don’t feel a connection to them.

Even casual sex is still intimate to us.

Mrs

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By *obilebottomMan
over a year ago

All over

Feelings, oh, oh, oh, feelings - loved that song

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By *olden PoleMan
over a year ago

London

"Feelings come

Feelings go

Only way to avoid them

Is to be a heartless ho

Problems tend to arise when people are either dishonest about any feelings they may or may not have, or when one person’s feelings don’t match the other person’s feelings.

Either way, I’m human therefore I feel

I want to be a heartless ho!

I think you’ve proved that many a time…but I’m sure the wizard has a heart for you in that bag of his.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Feelings come

Feelings go

Only way to avoid them

Is to be a heartless ho

Problems tend to arise when people are either dishonest about any feelings they may or may not have, or when one person’s feelings don’t match the other person’s feelings.

Either way, I’m human therefore I feel

I want to be a heartless ho!

I think you’ve proved that many a time…but I’m sure the wizard has a heart for you in that bag of his.

You’re a wizard Harry!

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

I didn’t brush enough when I was a kid, my teeth a full of fillings.

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By *olden PoleMan
over a year ago

London

"Feelings come

Feelings go

Only way to avoid them

Is to be a heartless ho

Problems tend to arise when people are either dishonest about any feelings they may or may not have, or when one person’s feelings don’t match the other person’s feelings.

Either way, I’m human therefore I feel

I want to be a heartless ho!

I think you’ve proved that many a time…but I’m sure the wizard has a heart for you in that bag of his.

You’re a wizard Harry!"

This is harsh but I couldn’t resist…..wizard also has a brain in the bag for you

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By *ake_or_deathMan
over a year ago

Manchester

"Do you have them? Do you catch them easily?

To me, sex is an intimate thing.

I don't meet random guys, I talk to guys a fair bit beforehand, but I don't want the feelings. Is there stuff you do to protect yourself from having such feelings?

Do you just walk away from those you actually like?

Have rules in place?

Put up a bitchy exterior?

I'm using my extra hour wisely.

I'm the same - never had feelings for anyone I had casual sex with (on here or via more vanilla apps) but I have to at least like the person and have a friendly connection with them. The 'F' in 'FWB' has always been important to me. That's why although I've had sex on the first date/meet a few times, that's only after we've chatted via message for a while first - it's very rare that I meet someone without establishing a rapport online first.

Sex is inherently intimate because it reveals parts of ourselves that we are brought up to mostly conceal (physically and mentally). So when I do it I like to feel comfortable with the other person and while there can be occasions where you meet someone and there's an instant spark and you just want to go to bed with them immediately, it's pretty rare for me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have never got the deal here about feelings and why it's so awful to "catch" them as if it's a disease.

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By *TG3Man
over a year ago

Dorchester

I love to love

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I have never got the deal here about feelings and why it's so awful to "catch" them as if it's a disease. "

Feelings inevitably lead to some level of heartbreak.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have never got the deal here about feelings and why it's so awful to "catch" them as if it's a disease.

Feelings inevitably lead to some level of heartbreak. "

A very pessimistic view. Feelings can also lead to joy and happiness.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I have never got the deal here about feelings and why it's so awful to "catch" them as if it's a disease.

Feelings inevitably lead to some level of heartbreak.

A very pessimistic view. Feelings can also lead to joy and happiness. "

I say realistic.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have never got the deal here about feelings and why it's so awful to "catch" them as if it's a disease.

Feelings inevitably lead to some level of heartbreak.

A very pessimistic view. Feelings can also lead to joy and happiness.

I say realistic. "

Oh come on, you're famous here for your pessimistic view of life! I've been treated like crap too. Multiple times. I still don't want to be an unfeeling bitch to "protect" myself if that's supposed to be a good option. (I am NOT calling you that).

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I have never got the deal here about feelings and why it's so awful to "catch" them as if it's a disease.

Feelings inevitably lead to some level of heartbreak.

A very pessimistic view. Feelings can also lead to joy and happiness.

I say realistic.

I actually don't have a pessimistic view of life. I have a REALISTIC view of men.

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By *aissez-faireMan
over a year ago

Right behind you…. Boo

It depends what the feelings are.

I just have rules in place and I’m clear about it. Friends is as far as it will get. Really good friends even but no more than that. I might have feelings for my friends but it’s different to feelings for a significant other.

I’ve probably not explained that very well.

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By *ealMissShadyWoman
over a year ago

St Albans/ Welsh Borders

I guess it depends what you want and what your expectations are....

Looking for a relationship? Fwb or otherwise there are going to be some kind of feelings involved...

Communicate, what's his thoughts on the subject, find out what your potential meets expectations are, work through it exploring why you feel the way you do.

You don't deserve heartbreak, nobody does and the risk of heartbreak shouldn't be a reason to keep your gaurd up you could be missing out on something amazing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have never got the deal here about feelings and why it's so awful to "catch" them as if it's a disease.

Feelings inevitably lead to some level of heartbreak.

A very pessimistic view. Feelings can also lead to joy and happiness.

I say realistic.

I actually don't have a pessimistic view of life. I have a REALISTIC view of men.

Well you're doing a grand job of appearing to be highly pessimistic about life if in fact you're not.

I'm older than you by quite a few years - do you not think I'm also realistic? I am called a misandrist here at times because I am so realistic. I still refuse to close off feelings on the off chance someone tramples on them. You do you but feelings aren't evil.

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By *avexxMan
over a year ago

cheshire

imagine if the human race had no feelings,, like a planet full of androids

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"imagine if the human race had no feelings,, like a planet full of androids"

You say it like it's a bad thing...

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By *avexxMan
over a year ago

cheshire

"imagine if the human race had no feelings,, like a planet full of androids

You say it like it's a bad thing..."
,,, you cant just box feelings up im afraid...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Catching the feels via one of these sights has led me to hurt. In fact lots. The fact that intellectually I knew about a situation, but didn't actually get it, didn't know how it worked or what was involved or how shit it made me feel..... Yes world of hurt.

However it hasn't stopped me from exploring, to trying, opening up and to tentatively trusting someone with me.

So having feels is ok, but understand, you are opening up yourself to being vulnerable and it's whether you can handle what comes with that.

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle

Prefer to get to know someone first see if there is anything else besides the attraction as they need to be likable too

Am I able to control my feelings beyond this (sure) more than likely we'd become friends zone and respectful to each other and having similar interests... Which has happened many times.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

I do have feelings yes. Everyone does.

I don't "catch" them. I can develop them, have done before for people, possibly will again. I don't think feelings are this evil thing that you catch like some deadly airborne infection. If both parties are able to handle it with respect, openness and honesty, it can be quite lovely. Feelings don't mean you want to run off in to the sunset with another. It doesn't mean anything has to change.

I don't have a bitchy exterior.

Let's be honest, I'm probably the opposite end of the spectrum and far too soft. I like people. I could do with developing an edge I think. A little suit of armour of distancing wit. My friends tell me I should but I think I'd rather carry on being the soft person who cares. Even if it can hurt.

I've never had my heartbroken but I've been hurt. It happens and shutting yourself off from all the happiness makes little sense to me.

I don't know if you can successfully protect yourself from developing them. As much as you can compartmentalise, you're human (please note the yous are a general one!).

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

"Feelings come

Feelings go

Only way to avoid them

Is to be a heartless ho

Problems tend to arise when people are either dishonest about any feelings they may or may not have, or when one person’s feelings don’t match the other person’s feelings.

Either way, I’m human therefore I feel

This, in a nutshell.

It takes a lot more for me to dislike someone than like them. Some I'm ambivalent to, some I'm very fond of.

No plans to 'catch the feels' again any time soon but I've definitely made some new acquaintances that I'm happy to say I care about.

And that's how life should be.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

Another good reason why I don't kiss meets far to intimate x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Catching the feels via one of these sights has led me to hurt. In fact lots. The fact that intellectually I knew about a situation, but didn't actually get it, didn't know how it worked or what was involved or how shit it made me feel..... Yes world of hurt.

However it hasn't stopped me from exploring, to trying, opening up and to tentatively trusting someone with me.

So having feels is ok, but understand, you are opening up yourself to being vulnerable and it's whether you can handle what comes with that."

But yes, for me sex with some connection, be it with an amazing friend or something more is imperative. Sex is an intimate act and I can only do that whether it's primal, loving or whatever else with someone who has meaning to me.

But that's me, each to their own

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

No. Feelings don’t scare me at all. I’ve only met people regularly and I probably couldn’t if I didn’t have some sort of feels for them. I seem to be able to compartmentalise it though. I know I don’t want a “proper” relationship ever but I like feelings. I can very easily walk away though if I’m not happy. I’m also still friends with everyone I’ve met. I think it depends on what kind of person you are really.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

I care about my regular fwbs but it's not romantic love.

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By *ulieAndBeefCouple
over a year ago

Manchester-ish

It's not really answering your question. Or maybe it is, who knows. But if you are having intimate sex with someone you like and find attractive then you're probably still not likely to catch full feels. It's limerence, the shiny new, this person is amazing feels. It's the sort of feels that will wear off as you get to know each other more because the shiny has worn off or grow deeper if you find you're properly compatible and put the effort in.

Limerence is why when someone has an affair and leaves their partner, the new relationship doesn't last. Forever seeking the shiny.

And now I need to watch Firefly.

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

"I have never got the deal here about feelings and why it's so awful to "catch" them as if it's a disease.

Feelings inevitably lead to some level of heartbreak.

A very pessimistic view. Feelings can also lead to joy and happiness.

I say realistic.

I actually don't have a pessimistic view of life. I have a REALISTIC view of men.

Well you're doing a grand job of appearing to be highly pessimistic about life if in fact you're not.

Its her schtick. You dont have to agree with it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have never got the deal here about feelings and why it's so awful to "catch" them as if it's a disease.

Feelings inevitably lead to some level of heartbreak.

A very pessimistic view. Feelings can also lead to joy and happiness.

I say realistic.

I actually don't have a pessimistic view of life. I have a REALISTIC view of men.

Well you're doing a grand job of appearing to be highly pessimistic about life if in fact you're not.

Its her schtick. You dont have to agree with it

Why would you be rolling your eyes at me, dear?

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"I have never got the deal here about feelings and why it's so awful to "catch" them as if it's a disease. "

I agree.

People protecting themselves from the possibility of hurt, so refuse to feel. I understand that heartbreak hurts but to live your whole life closed off to prevent that has always seemed like a life half lived to me.

In response to the OP; I don’t get romantic feelings easily but I’m not against them

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

Not a lot you can do about them. Feelings, good and bad often creep up on you regardless and unexpected.

Just look how many people on here start off as "I'm not looking for strings" and then they are suddenly in a couple with feelsings involved.

I don't like very many people. I need some sort of feelings. I need to like them. I care, I "fab love" that person, have an interest in them and genuinely like to see them happy. Somebody I could hang out with and have a laugh. Simply enjoy their company. All others I'm simply indifferent.

Not often, almost never have the feelings gone beyond the above, but I know they can creep up and catch you out. It can cause issues of course if they do. If they do, my action would depend on the person and our situation.

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By *ellhungvweMan
over a year ago

Cheltenham

I am not a heartless bastard (at least I don’t think I am!) but I don’t tend to catch feelings very often. I like people, I get on with people and the sex is very usually better when you know them but that doesn’t mean that I have to fall head over heels in love with them.

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"It's not really answering your question. Or maybe it is, who knows. But if you are having intimate sex with someone you like and find attractive then you're probably still not likely to catch full feels. It's limerence, the shiny new, this person is amazing feels. It's the sort of feels that will wear off as you get to know each other more because the shiny has worn off or grow deeper if you find you're properly compatible and put the effort in.

Limerence is why when someone has an affair and leaves their partner, the new relationship doesn't last. Forever seeking the shiny.

And now I need to watch Firefly.

Life would be better if everyone was poly and watched Firefly

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By *eeliciouschaosWoman
over a year ago

Wherever

Catching feelings and having feelings is a natural human reaction and very difficult to avoid, especially when intimacy is involved.

I think it becomes an issue when those are not matching, or there is no communication between parties involved, to discuss that.

Feelings are ok if we acknowledge them and deal accordingly with what comes when they happen.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I do have feelings yes. Everyone does.

I don't have a bitchy exterior.

I've never had my heartbroken but I've been hurt. It happens and shutting yourself off from all the happiness makes little sense to me.

I don't know if you can successfully protect yourself from developing them. As much as you can compartmentalise, you're human (please note the yous are a general one!).

Your right, my terminology wasn't the best, using popular culture slang isn't often the best way to explain things. I agree, I don't suddenly get feelings or catch them like a bad cold. They develope through thousands of MSG's, voice msgs, doing stuff together not necessarily sex based, be it going for a walk, catching up for a coffee or going for a meal or day out. In regards to the nothing has to change again, thats true, as long as both people are on the same page. This one hasn't happened to me, but both need to have the same expectations of a relationship (and I think when you develope feeling for someone and have a level of mutual closeness you do develope a relationship, be it a friendship relationship or romantic).

I don't think anyone could accuse you of that, your posts seem well thought out and kind or a little cheeky. So they are nice or fun, that's my thoughts anyway. (shrug)

The rest is how you approach things but the not shutting off, I pretty much agree.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have never got the deal here about feelings and why it's so awful to "catch" them as if it's a disease.

I agree.

In response to the OP; I don’t get romantic feelings easily but I’m not against them"

Sadly there might be quite a lot of people with a life half lived on Fab. But I appreciate that's a niche view.

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

Limerence is why when someone has an affair and leaves their partner, the new relationship doesn't last. Forever seeking the shiny.

And now I need to watch Firefly.

Life would be better if everyone was poly and watched Firefly"

Firefly being a one season show is a travesty of epic proportion.

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By *929Man
over a year ago

bedlington

I avoid letting myself have them, 3 failed relationships one of them 15 years long, 2 of them cheated on and left for someone else I don’t take the risk of getting emotionally attached anymore.

That being said I hate it being like this I would absolutely love the feeling of being “loved up” again it’s a truly amazing feeling but not worth the risk

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By *illy IdolMan
over a year ago

Midlands

I don't catch them easily when it comes to just sex. If I meet someone more than once then this will be due to the fact I like their company too. I guess the heartache comes when people are dishonest about what they're really looking for. I've had this in the past and it's not nice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cold sex.. No

Feelings..only the pleasure

Rules.. Never meet off the cuff.

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By *ose-tinted GlassesMan
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

Limerence is why when someone has an affair and leaves their partner, the new relationship doesn't last. Forever seeking the shiny.

And now I need to watch Firefly.

I don’t often quite entire posts but this one, Julie, deserves it.

Partly for the Firefly reference (I have feelings about that show, that’s for sure). Partly for teaching me a new word (limerance! Why haven’t I heard that one before?). But mostly just for being right.

I don’t come to Fab looking for love. I come here looking for limerance. Over and over and over again. I’m not avoiding feelings, I *want* those feelings. Without them I don’t really want the sex.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's a strange expression to say 'catch feelings', they tend to develope.

As with many previous commentators, I need a connection, but then I am chatty and it usually developes that way.

I have feelings for my platonic friends on Fab, I love their company, the walks, the meals, the banter on watsapp. I have feelings for those with whom I've slept, fond memories, shared experiences, comfortable companionship when we meet up. I have feelings for my ex-FWB who is somewhat psycho, jealous of my other friends, obsessive and a stalker (I miss the sex, the talking for hours, but the drama and bile keeps me away from her).

Loads of other feelings come to the surface through the forum, ranging from indifference to disgust, mild irritation to positive enjoyment of someone's humour, witty remarks or sarcasm. I even tend to feel happy when I see your posts OP (usually the one liners make me smirk).

But I don't catch feelings, and to date have not needed protection from them (though a restraining order on the ex-FWB might have come in handy!)

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By *ose-tinted GlassesMan
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

"Limerance"

I realise, by the way, that limerance isn’t *quite* the right word. It has a slightly non-consensual edge to it that feels off. But it’s a much nicer word than infatuation, so let’s just go with it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Limerence is why when someone has an affair and leaves their partner, the new relationship doesn't last. Forever seeking the shiny.

And now I need to watch Firefly.

I don’t often quite entire posts but this one, Julie, deserves it.

People's situations are different though. Someone that has the feelings else where is unlikely to catch them here.

The limerence, the shiny new thing, that's just the chase isn't it? Once you get it, you're meh, thanks see you later.

Which if you're honest is fine, but most people aren't. Guys know what they need to say to get the sex.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

One of the reasons I have stopped meeting is because I realised that casual no strings “see ya!” sex is not for me.

The fact that one day Dave could be knobbing me and then tomorrow knobbing Shirley was a bit depressing.

I preder to be someone’s special gal. Their only gal. Sad but true.

And whilst I’m not actively looking for love I’d like to think I was a hopeful romantic.

Love doesn’t come without risk, that’s just how it is. But when it works, really works, love is the best.

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

"One of the reasons I have stopped meeting is because I realised that casual no strings “see ya!” sex is not for me.

The fact that one day Dave could be knobbing me and then tomorrow knobbing Shirley was a bit depressing.

I preder to be someone’s special gal. Their only gal. Sad but true.

And whilst I’m not actively looking for love I’d like to think I was a hopeful romantic.

Love doesn’t come without risk, that’s just how it is. But when it works, really works, love is the best.

Not sad at all. We’re not all swingers. Dave can fuck off if he’s doing that. Shirley can have him.

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By *ose-tinted GlassesMan
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

"The limerence, the shiny new thing, that's just the chase isn't it? Once you get it, you're meh, thanks see you later."

I wouldn’t say it’s the chase, although I totally see where you’re coming from. It’s what comes after the chase, I guess. There’s no reason ‘the new shiny’ has to be short term. Or that it can’t turn into lasting lust. Or friendship.

On the flip side, sometimes it’s exactly what you said. If both people want the same thing, sometimes there’s nothing wrong with ‘thanks, see you later’.

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By *ruceyyMan
over a year ago

London

Feelings is just one of those thorns in the balls you can't control or shake and yes, inevitably there will be times they get you down when something isn't reciprocated.

I think it's natural and common (aside from the gloryhole and bukkake crowd) to want to have some sort of connection to the person you are having sex with.

Newsflash, even horny 'puppy dog' (eyeroll) Brucey needs to think you're a fun, nice person and not a total ass.

If they start getting in the way and aren't reciprocated, have an adult conversation about it and not one from a tween drama, and decide what's best.

There's no other answer

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The limerence, the shiny new thing, that's just the chase isn't it? Once you get it, you're meh, thanks see you later.

On the flip side, sometimes it’s exactly what you said. If both people want the same thing, sometimes there’s nothing wrong with ‘thanks, see you later’."

On here, it's more often than not the chase.

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By *avexxMan
over a year ago

cheshire

"One of the reasons I have stopped meeting is because I realised that casual no strings “see ya!” sex is not for me.

The fact that one day Dave could be knobbing me and then tomorrow knobbing Shirley was a bit depressing.

I preder to be someone’s special gal. Their only gal. Sad but true.

And whilst I’m not actively looking for love I’d like to think I was a hopeful romantic.

Love doesn’t come without risk, that’s just how it is. But when it works, really works, love is the best.

Not sad at all. We’re not all swingers. Dave can fuck off if he’s doing that. Shirley can have him.

"
,,, leave me out of this nora,,

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

"One of the reasons I have stopped meeting is because I realised that casual no strings “see ya!” sex is not for me.

The fact that one day Dave could be knobbing me and then tomorrow knobbing Shirley was a bit depressing.

I preder to be someone’s special gal. Their only gal. Sad but true.

And whilst I’m not actively looking for love I’d like to think I was a hopeful romantic.

Love doesn’t come without risk, that’s just how it is. But when it works, really works, love is the best.

Not sad at all. We’re not all swingers. Dave can fuck off if he’s doing that. Shirley can have him.

,,, leave me out of this nora,,"

Aw sorry Dave. The generic Dave. Too many Daves. It’s actually true that everyone knows a Dave I reckon. I wonder if there is anyone who doesn’t know a Dave!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"One of the reasons I have stopped meeting is because I realised that casual no strings “see ya!” sex is not for me.

The fact that one day Dave could be knobbing me and then tomorrow knobbing Shirley was a bit depressing.

I preder to be someone’s special gal. Their only gal. Sad but true.

And whilst I’m not actively looking for love I’d like to think I was a hopeful romantic.

Love doesn’t come without risk, that’s just how it is. But when it works, really works, love is the best.

Not sad at all. We’re not all swingers. Dave can fuck off if he’s doing that. Shirley can have him.

,,, leave me out of this nora,,"

Me too. Plus Shirley dumped me 35 years ago and went off with another man

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By *avexxMan
over a year ago

cheshire

"One of the reasons I have stopped meeting is because I realised that casual no strings “see ya!” sex is not for me.

The fact that one day Dave could be knobbing me and then tomorrow knobbing Shirley was a bit depressing.

I preder to be someone’s special gal. Their only gal. Sad but true.

And whilst I’m not actively looking for love I’d like to think I was a hopeful romantic.

Love doesn’t come without risk, that’s just how it is. But when it works, really works, love is the best.

Not sad at all. We’re not all swingers. Dave can fuck off if he’s doing that. Shirley can have him.

,,, leave me out of this nora,,

Aw sorry Dave. The generic Dave. Too many Daves. It’s actually true that everyone knows a Dave I reckon. I wonder if there is anyone who doesn’t know a Dave! "
... need to change my name x

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By *ulieAndBeefCouple
over a year ago

Manchester-ish

"The limerence, the shiny new thing, that's just the chase isn't it? Once you get it, you're meh, thanks see you later.

Which if you're honest is fine, but most people aren't. Guys know what they need to say to get the sex. "

It's not the chase, it comes after the chase. It's when you've met and the chemistry is incredible, you really like them as a person and that sex was amazing. I have a 20 year plus marriage so recognising that feels can be complicated is important as is open and honest communication.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some wonderful replies here.

I start by saying: Yes, and yes.

But I'm gonna go off on a tangent, because I want to question the need to not have feelings.

I can understand not wanting feelings on many different levels. I can also understand revelling in Euphoric shared emotional spaces whenever they arise, and being thankful for that.

Shared feelings can leave anyone vulnerable to judgement, rejection, or emotional harm. So our behavior is a result of the fear of getting hurt or being seen as weak.

We also naturally form our own shields and guards because we've all faced ridicule, criticism, or dismissive responses in the past - and that's emotionally painful.

It's inevitable that we end up in that weird self-preservation state, believing that keeping emotions private helps maintain control over our own feelings, avoiding potential exploitation or manipulation by others.

And some of us even grew up in cultures and societies that reinforced the idea that expressing emotions publicly is undesirable or unacceptable so we suppress ourselves to conform to expectations and avoid being perceived negatively. In fact, that's why most people actively hide their faces, despite wanting to share the Euphoria of being desirable.

And if you've ever gone some time without the company of others you learn emotional self-reliance: who else can be a source of reliable help afterall? Everyone has a tendency to let others down, so it's natural to maintain independence or avoid burdening others with our emotions.

And then there's being a parent and being forced to think of the emotional well being of that half-done adult.

So I understand why. It's normal and it's good, great even.

But yeah, while protecting feelings serves as a coping mechanism, I really believe it limits emotional connections, inhibits personal growth, and hinders healthy relationships in the long run.

My opinion is you find a balance between self-protection and vulnerability, and share your feelings with trusted individuals who might provide support and understanding and might also fuck up and let you down.

Does it make you vulnerable? Hell Yeah. But it also makes you very much human.

And this leads to my answers:

(partially)

and no.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Some wonderful replies here.

I start by saying: Yes, and yes.

But I'm gonna go off on a tangent, because I want to question the need to not have feelings.

I can understand not wanting feelings on many different levels. I can also understand revelling in Euphoric shared emotional spaces whenever they arise, and being thankful for that.

Shared feelings can leave anyone vulnerable to judgement, rejection, or emotional harm. So our behavior is a result of the fear of getting hurt or being seen as weak.

We also naturally form our own shields and guards because we've all faced ridicule, criticism, or dismissive responses in the past - and that's emotionally painful.

And then there's being a parent and being forced to think of the emotional well being of that half-done adult.

So I understand why. It's normal and it's good, great even.

But yeah, while protecting feelings serves as a coping mechanism, I really believe it limits emotional connections, inhibits personal growth, and hinders healthy relationships in the long run.

Does it make you vulnerable? Hell Yeah. But it also makes you very much human.

And this leads to my answers:

(partially)

and no."

But I don't want relationships in the long run.

Apologies for the short answer to your long one! I know that irks you.

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By *tsMyPleasure.Man
over a year ago

near Stirling

"We definitely like feelings! I wouldn’t say that we get proper feelings like falling for people but we can’t have sex or play with people where we don’t feel a connection to them.

Even casual sex is still intimate to us.

Mrs"

Completely agree - I think you have to be able to get along with someone and enjoy their company at the least, for the sex to be anything worthwhile. It just becomes a bodily function if you don’t.

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By *hePerkyPumpkinTV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol

Nope not really... I avoid feelings like the plague.

Too easy to get hurt.

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By *ilthycoupleabzCouple
over a year ago

Aberdeen

"Do you have them? Do you catch them easily?

To me, sex is an intimate thing.

I don't meet random guys, I talk to guys a fair bit beforehand, but I don't want the feelings. Is there stuff you do to protect yourself from having such feelings?

Do you just walk away from those you actually like?

Have rules in place?

Put up a bitchy exterior?

I'm using my extra hour wisely.

I found, when single, I would start to develop feelings if I had lots of contact and repeated meets with one person.

Fairly natural I think, as clearly liked them enough to have sex.

To avoid it, I would always make sure I had 2 fwb's and I would force myself to limit contact (not daily calls/texts etc).

It worked until Mr came along.

MrsAbz

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Depends on what 'feelings' means. Romantic.. friendship.. caring about someone.

Feelings are cunts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Of course I have feelings. Don't we all? No one is completely devoid of them.

Do I catch feelings? I find the term weird too.

I've developed feelings for people on here in various forms. I can love a friend quite deeply yet not be in love with them. I can form attachments or bonds with friends or people in general or be particularly fond of them. I like to get to know people.

If theres no bond or friendship it's cold and empty for me.

I make it clear I don't want a long term relationship, and that's because of my life circumstances. I have a council house and children in school. I'm not moving house as they come first. And there's no way on this planet I'll give up my house for anyone. I'd need a safety net which I don't have myself and I wouldn't expect someone else to provide it for me and my children if things go wrong. So I don't need to protect myself from feelings. I make it clear from the outset that I won't budge because I ultimately cant, and that they would have to be the one that gave up things and I couldn't ask anyone to do that at all. Others have lives, their way of living, their own children, jobs, family, friends etc. So I put my cards on the table from the start on that and show them that I respect them and their life and that I'd never push for things I'm not willing to budge on myself.

At the end of the day I would love to be in a position where I could just go with the flow of feelings and possibly end up with that Mr Right from the fairytales. But I think I know how most men work and I know that's not going to happen.

But, there's nothing stopping me enjoying seasons of people in my life in a less committed way and enjoying all the good for however long it lasts, rather than quitting altogether and not having any happy pleasurable moments. And if there's various levels of feelings with those seasons so be it.

However what I need from a man in terms of falling for them is a bar set very high. And it's nothing to do with money or houses. I would need a self aware emotionally intelligent man that can be honest and raw yet respectful.

If he rocks up I'm in trouble and faced with decisions and dilemmas.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"But I don't want relationships in the long run.

Apologies for the short answer to your long one! I know that irks you. "

Size doesn't matter

and I'm used to it, no worries. It's my hour entitlement all gone.

I didn't speak about relationships. Relationships are about the long term imo.

You already established you can't have The Sex(TM) without the emotion. We understand why The Sex(TM) has it's appeal. Are you asking for ways to enjoy it without the attachment?

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By *ife NinjaMan
over a year ago

Dunfermline

No. Heartbroken once. Never again.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Of course I have feelings. Don't we all? No one is completely devoid of them.

Do I catch feelings? I find the term weird too.

If theres no bond or friendship it's cold and empty for me.

If he rocks up I'm in trouble and faced with decisions and dilemmas."

I get the circumstances thing, my life isn't made for relationships either.

I just don't think the "seasons" of happiness out weigh the feelings of worthlessness.

When you know it's something you can never have, it's better to never even have a glimpse of it. That way you don't know what you're missing out on so it hurts less.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

"I do have feelings yes. Everyone does.

I don't have a bitchy exterior.

I've never had my heartbroken but I've been hurt. It happens and shutting yourself off from all the happiness makes little sense to me.

I don't know if you can successfully protect yourself from developing them. As much as you can compartmentalise, you're human (please note the yous are a general one!).

I don't think anyone could accuse you of that, your posts seem well thought out and kind or a little cheeky. So they are nice or fun, that's my thoughts anyway. (shrug)

The rest is how you approach things but the not shutting off, I pretty much agree."

Ah, I didn't mean to be quite so blunt about your application of popular terminology! Apologies for that. I think we (general) ascribe kind of negative terms to certain things.

I think feelings are wonderful things. It doesn't mean that every person I've met on Fab I've had feelings for. Far, far from it.

It does mean it's not something I shy away from, a life half lived and all that. I choose to embrace life knowing that there's a chance I could get hurt but I'd choose that over not truly living (for me) any day.

That's cute thank you! I like reading your posts. I do have a bitchy side, I know that, I'm also quite soft and silly really.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"But I don't want relationships in the long run.

Apologies for the short answer to your long one! I know that irks you.

Size doesn't matter

and I'm used to it, no worries. It's my hour entitlement all gone.

I didn't speak about relationships. Relationships are about the long term imo.

You already established you can't have The Sex(TM) without the emotion. We understand why The Sex(TM) has it's appeal. Are you asking for ways to enjoy it without the attachment?"

I'm just asking what others do.

I have things I do to not get to that stage of feelings for someone.

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By *heVonMatterhornsCouple
over a year ago

Lincoln

Yes and yes.

I didn't know how to protect myself clearly, as it still happened. Went for a one off fab meet over 6 years ago and now I'm married to the guy.

If it's meant to be,it's meant to be. I wouldn't fight it.

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By *ansoffateMan
over a year ago

Sagittarius A

Sternberg's triangular theory of Love

defines relationships by three criteria:

Intimacy - Liking (mutual understanding)

Passion - Infatuation (lust, anger...)

Commitment - Conscious decision to spend time, make promises, set boundaries etc.

I+C = Companionate

I+P = Romantic

P+C = Fatuous

I+P+C = Consummate

The only thing we can control consciously is commitment. So you can either do that openly or you can sabotage the relationship by lying, cheating, ghosting... etc.

If there's no open communication, then there's no relationship with me. Overly avoiding hurt or heartbreak usually leads to self-sabotage over a period of time.

As long as the commitment is enough for both people and determined mutually then I don't need labels or targets. The relationship has the foundation to grow organically.

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By *parkle1974Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

I care about all my friends so that includes FWB but that's as far as it goes x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Very much so. It's why I tend not to meet many people here and prefer to just roam the forums, as I get feelings fairly quickly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I get the circumstances thing, my life isn't made for relationships either.

I just don't think the "seasons" of happiness out weigh the feelings of worthlessness.

When you know it's something you can never have, it's better to never even have a glimpse of it. That way you don't know what you're missing out on so it hurts less.

Genuine question, are you still hurt?

Took me ages (about 4 years iirc) to get over an ex of mine, and no amount of effort or alternatives I tried ever got rid of it.

Always add the growth mindset thing to the end of any Nihilistic statement - "yet".

I work on the 5555555 principle. How would I feel in 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks, etc there's a few lines I'd never cross.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Of course I have feelings. Don't we all? No one is completely devoid of them.

Do I catch feelings? I find the term weird too.

If theres no bond or friendship it's cold and empty for me.

If he rocks up I'm in trouble and faced with decisions and dilemmas.

I get the circumstances thing, my life isn't made for relationships either.

I just don't think the "seasons" of happiness out weigh the feelings of worthlessness.

When you know it's something you can never have, it's better to never even have a glimpse of it. That way you don't know what you're missing out on so it hurts less.

I used to think like that, maybe you need more time to heal from previous hurt. There's lots of us that do and I think that's actually why many of us are here, deep down we want 'it' but there's walls up in fear of pain. So being noncommittal and closed in certain ways give us a false sense of security while we still have a bit of what we want.

I'd rather have glimpses than let the previous traumas or hurt defeat me. And with each 'season' I get memories instead of four walls and dullness.

I sometimes struggle with the worthless thing. I did that recently and think a good few people saw it. There's a knack to it. You need to know your worth more. Don't place it on what you cannot have, or in the hands of others, go for what you can and just enjoy it. But learn to manage the crap bits, it's hard at times but you'll get stronger. I don't think you're weak though so please don't take the wrong way.

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By *inger_SnapWoman
over a year ago

Hampshire/Dorset

"Of course I have feelings. Don't we all? No one is completely devoid of them.

Do I catch feelings? I find the term weird too.

If theres no bond or friendship it's cold and empty for me.

What PW says here is pretty much my way of thinking too... If I can love my friends and not be in love with them, I can do the same with a fwb, even when there's sex involved.

I can enjoy all the feelings in the moment, when we're together, but close them off inbetween times, when we're going about our daily lives.

I need to have some sort of feeling/connection if I'm having sex with someone on a regular basis, I've said before, it's like a fix... I get the sex/feelings and then I'm good for a while, I couldn't cope with it all of the time, it's too consuming and like you say, that's how people get hurt.

I have recently removed myself from a situation that was definitely more of a limerence thing, the idea was better than the reality.

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By *ansoffateMan
over a year ago

Sagittarius A

"Some wonderful replies here.

I start by saying: Yes, and yes.

I thought your whole post was really insightful. I disagree with your reasoning why people hide their faces. It's not why I do and I think there's a multitude of reasons. I'm sure it's relevant in some cases.

The cultural issue and emotional expressivity is an issue that resonated for me. My Jamaican partner used to struggle with it massively. It's part of where her exhibitionism came from a kind of rebellion against it. Even a catharsis.

I think low emotional expressivity leads to passive aggressive behaviours in relationships and inhibits open communication. I find that hard to deal with.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m dead inside so it’s easy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 29/10/23 11:40:07]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Of course I have feelings. Don't we all? No one is completely devoid of them.

Do I catch feelings? I find the term weird too.

If theres no bond or friendship it's cold and empty for me.

What PW says here is pretty much my way of thinking too... If I can love my friends and not be in love with them, I can do the same with a fwb, even when there's sex involved.

I can enjoy all the feelings in the moment, when we're together, but close them off inbetween times, when we're going about our daily lives.

I have recently removed myself from a situation that was definitely more of a limerence thing, the idea was better than the reality.

I use the same words. A fix, a fix of companionship, adult interaction, affection, adult conversation, sexual contact, plus more.

I'm also like you where I can revert back to my life easily in-between. But there's an exception of aftercare when impact play and restraints are involved.

The trouble I'm finding though is that others can't revert back like I can or they read into the experience more than they should and express they're in love or come across needy. That's the part I find hard to manage as I'm then in the guilt zone that I can revert and I'm not reciprocating as much as they want me to.

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

"Of course I have feelings. Don't we all? No one is completely devoid of them.

Do I catch feelings? I find the term weird too.

If theres no bond or friendship it's cold and empty for me.

What PW says here is pretty much my way of thinking too... If I can love my friends and not be in love with them, I can do the same with a fwb, even when there's sex involved.

I can enjoy all the feelings in the moment, when we're together, but close them off inbetween times, when we're going about our daily lives.

I have recently removed myself from a situation that was definitely more of a limerence thing, the idea was better than the reality.

I use the same words. A fix, a fix of companionship, adult interaction, affection, adult conversation, sexual contact, plus more.

I'm also like you where I can revert back to my life easily in-between. But there's an exception of aftercare when impact play and restraints are involved.

The thing to remember is that you can never control others feelings. Just your own.

Guilt comes into it, but it's a two way street. You may feel guilty for not wanting more, but they should also feel guilt should they expect it from you when the feeling isn't reciprocated.

It's always tricky when feelings are uneven. But that's nobody's fault and we all have to deal with it in our own ways. It takes longer for some than others and some find it easier to move on faster. That's life. Always will be.

Once you can get any guilt out of your head it becomes easier, eventually.

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By *ulieAndBeefCouple
over a year ago

Manchester-ish

"Sternberg's triangular theory of Love

defines relationships by three criteria:

Intimacy - Liking (mutual understanding)

Passion - Infatuation (lust, anger...)

Commitment - Conscious decision to spend time, make promises, set boundaries etc.

I+C = Companionate

I+P = Romantic

P+C = Fatuous

I+P+C = Consummate

The only thing we can control consciously is commitment. So you can either do that openly or you can sabotage the relationship by lying, cheating, ghosting... etc.

If there's no open communication, then there's no relationship with me. Overly avoiding hurt or heartbreak usually leads to self-sabotage over a period of time.

As long as the commitment is enough for both people and determined mutually then I don't need labels or targets. The relationship has the foundation to grow organically."

I really like this post. I like to be able to read all around a subject and I've not heard of this before.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Of course I have feelings. Don't we all? No one is completely devoid of them.

Do I catch feelings? I find the term weird too.

If theres no bond or friendship it's cold and empty for me.

What PW says here is pretty much my way of thinking too... If I can love my friends and not be in love with them, I can do the same with a fwb, even when there's sex involved.

I can enjoy all the feelings in the moment, when we're together, but close them off inbetween times, when we're going about our daily lives.

I have recently removed myself from a situation that was definitely more of a limerence thing, the idea was better than the reality.

I use the same words. A fix, a fix of companionship, adult interaction, affection, adult conversation, sexual contact, plus more.

I'm also like you where I can revert back to my life easily in-between. But there's an exception of aftercare when impact play and restraints are involved.

The thing to remember is that you can never control others feelings. Just your own.

Guilt comes into it, but it's a two way street. You may feel guilty for not wanting more, but they should also feel guilt should they expect it from you when the feeling isn't reciprocated.

Once you can get any guilt out of your head it becomes easier, eventually. "

I know I can't control them, but I have that consciousness now that I could potentially hurt some else without intending to. I feel like I should respect other peoples feelings more and not go there in the first place.