FabSwingers.com forum: Feeling lost

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I have been single 3 years now, I rarely ever go out, i don’t really have a social life or many friends, the last 6 years of my life and in the last 3 months have been hell ( losing both parents ) I have just hit 45 ( yes my profile age is wrong ) and feel like I’m hitting a real midlife crisis , I just feel I’m going to be alone all my life or I will have to Settle for something I don’t really want, I just keep thinking am I that ugly that no woman wants me, it does not help my ego that I never get a reply from messages on dating sites even with a profile picture,

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By *ink vixenCouple
over a year ago

Medway

[Removed by poster at 28/10/23 18:31:12]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don’t rely on just the internet.

Get out there in the real world.

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

Hey, chin up. I felt like that when I first became single. Luckily I have my dogs for company and they get me out and about alot. I have also met amazing people on fab by attending clubs and socials. I don't have much spare time due to working nights but a friend of mine recently met her soulmate by joining a walking group. Try think of the positives in life and set yourself some goals for the months ahead.

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By *hrek101Man
over a year ago

Herts

Welcome to the single middle aged man club

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Don’t rely on just the internet.

Get out there in the real world.

Easier said than done believe me

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By *offiaCoolWoman
over a year ago

Kidsgrove

I hear people mention 'meet up' groups. Social groups in your area for people with similar interests. Google throws up groups in your area.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm sorry for your loss. That's a really big blow - perhaps now's not a great time to be looking to date?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Hey, chin up. I felt like that when I first became single. Luckily I have my dogs for company and they get me out and about alot. I have also met amazing people on fab by attending clubs and socials. I don't have much spare time due to working nights but a friend of mine recently met her soulmate by joining a walking group. Try think of the positives in life and set yourself some goals for the months ahead."

Thank you

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By *avexxMan
over a year ago

cheshire

"I hear people mention 'meet up' groups. Social groups in your area for people with similar interests. Google throws up groups in your area."
... this

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By *ife NinjaMan
over a year ago

Dunfermline

Hear you fella. You'll not wanna hear this, but it gets more bearable. You, however, have to make the effort. The opportunities won't hunt you down

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By *loss aka Miss JonesWoman
over a year ago

south coast IOW

"Welcome to the single middle aged man club"

Looks around for the single middle age women club

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Here's the pros:

You've had a meet in 5 months.

You've got a sculpted stomach (I hate you).

You're tall (also hate you)

Here's the negatives:

You have no self confidence

You have a feeling of entitlement

You're thinking way too far ahead - chill out

Guess what you need to work on?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Hear you fella. You'll not wanna hear this, but it gets more bearable. You, however, have to make the effort. The opportunities won't hunt you down

Thank you

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By *ersiantugMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

I've lost both my folks too, it is a strange vibe when that eventually happens - only 3 months and you will still be raw.

RE your profile (so often it comes back to this), get positive things about you in it (maybe even an update on your life). Also you still have to use Search and reach out (despite rejection), people will rarely come to you like you're asking them too (you need great location and vital stats for that), esp with a down in your profile. At least make your profile less grumbly if you want this to happen. Look at other single males too - so many end up like this sadly.

Also not all women get hundreds of messages a day - and it's still not impolite for them to ignore messages. It really doesn't make sense for them to be impolite in not responding if they did have hundreds! So do you need to say politeness costs nothing regardless? It clearly costs them in time, and why should this place be a chore?

As a CD I only get a few single men a day (when I'm on), and I still ignore the odd one as actually *rejecting* someone really can take it out of you sometimes.

So it's not just rejection that's a bummer, it's actually rejecting too.

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By *eekyguywithglassesMan
over a year ago

Wiltshire

Grief shows itself in many different ways, 3 months is no time at all. See a therapist or find someone you can talk to, no about so women or sex will stop the grief.

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By *ebauchedDeviantsPt2Couple
over a year ago

Cumbria

What do you mean settle for something you don’t really want?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It is ok to be single.

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By *ou only live onceMan
over a year ago

London

Sorry you're having a tough time, OP. Fab stuff is just fluff really, but lots of advice on other threads about how to get a better response on here, if that's bothering you. Profile, pics etc.

But there's no reason for you to settle for anything you don't want in life! If it's about a partner, maybe try less hard. Just get out and do stuff - find hobbies you enjoy and meet people socially. Trying to find "the one" just puts unnecessary pressure on yourself. Hope you're feeling a bit more positive soon.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Give yourself some time.

Allow yourself time to grieve your loss.

Spend time doing things that you truly enjoy. If you don’t have hobbies, look around on places like MeetUp to find activities/groups that seem of interest.

Don’t focus solely on dating or sex, focus on doing things that make you happy. Even if it’s putting yourself out there to try something new. Worse case, you’ll discover it’s not something you like, best case you’ll find something new you enjoy and want to keep doing.

Don’t wait for someone to come into your life to start living it. Live your best life now.

Sometimes when you least expect it is when you find someone. As opposed to when you’re seeking someone.

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By *avexxMan
over a year ago

cheshire

"Give yourself some time.

Allow yourself time to grieve your loss.

Spend time doing things that you truly enjoy. If you don’t have hobbies, look around on places like MeetUp to find activities/groups that seem of interest.

Don’t wait for someone to come into your life to start living it. Live your best life now.

Sometimes when you least expect it is when you find someone. As opposed to when you’re seeking someone. "
,,, excellent advice

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By *ebauchedDeviantsPt2Couple
over a year ago

Cumbria

"Sorry you're having a tough time, OP. Fab stuff is just fluff really, but lots of advice on other threads about how to get a better response on here, if that's bothering you. Profile, pics etc.

Absolutely this

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Give yourself some time.

Allow yourself time to grieve your loss.

Spend time doing things that you truly enjoy. If you don’t have hobbies, look around on places like MeetUp to find activities/groups that seem of interest.

Thank you

Don’t wait for someone to come into your life to start living it. Live your best life now.

Sometimes when you least expect it is when you find someone. As opposed to when you’re seeking someone. "

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By *inky ChefMan
over a year ago

Norwich

Going through pretty much the same dark journey as you.

I will let you know when I figured a way out.

Some days are better, some are worse.

Just get up and go until the next fall.

Then repeat until something comes up.

Always does, but sometimes it's next day and sometimes years.

I had an all time low in 1999. Literally it was the end.

I was thrown back and still going with more or less success.

Now I can't go all time low, because I have a child.

You will have someone or something to make you fly or float at least.

Use your willpower until then, that's what I've done until something came up.

It takes longer than usual now for me too, but again in my experience something good will happen soon or at some point.

Just stand up and walk!

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By *ansoffateMan
over a year ago

Sagittarius A

I really feel for you. And respect you for having the courage to be vulnerable and share what you are going through.

I've had a bunch of kicks and losses the last few years. People say be thankful for what you've got. They mean well and I am, but it doesn't stop the hurt.

Grief can be hard, everyone deals with it differently. It's not mental ill-health it's a natural human state. What I can say though with certainty is: 3 months is nothing.

It's really hard to pick yourself and keep going when you feel you've been kicked to pieces by life. Shit got so bad I thought I was cursed. Being kind and patient with myself is where I needed to start. I hope you find what you need.

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By *inky ChefMan
over a year ago

Norwich

"I really feel for you. And respect you for having the courage to be vulnerable and share what you are going through.

I've had a bunch of kicks and losses the last few years. People say be thankful for what you've got. They mean well and I am, but it doesn't stop the hurt.

Grief can be hard, everyone deals with it differently. It's not mental ill-health it's a natural human state. What I can say though with certainty is: 3 months is nothing.

You are real nice human being man.

100% not a pretend one.

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By *affron40Woman
over a year ago

manchester

I’m sorry for your loss OP. You’ve had some wise words above. It’s going to take time to feel any kind of normal. Be kind to yourself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP, as Elphaba said, its OK being single, and I know your profile says you would like a woman to go to clubs with, but in terms of lack of friends or feeling lonely, could I suggest you do a quick search for "Men's Sheds", and you will find some in towns near you (Frimeley, Camberley, Sandhurst and Hook) - it might be worth getting in touch with one of them and seeing about meeting up with others (this advice coming from someone who actually likes his own company and ignoring the world in general - but for your mental health please reach out to others).

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By *ris GrayMan
over a year ago

Dorchester

"I have been single 3 years now, I rarely ever go out, i don’t really have a social life or many friends, the last 6 years of my life and in the last 3 months have been hell ( losing both parents ) I have just hit 45 ( yes my profile age is wrong ) and feel like I’m hitting a real midlife crisis , I just feel I’m going to be alone all my life or I will have to Settle for something I don’t really want, I just keep thinking am I that ugly that no woman wants me, it does not help my ego that I never get a reply from messages on dating sites even with a profile picture, "
look you can't judge life by this place or for that matter sex by this place, you say you had 2 longterm vanilla relationships so when you say vanilla the sex was bad or boring? And sex here is different how exactly, you had long term relationships because you obviously are a good partner, their is more to life than sex, just takw your time and be patient and things will come to you, good luck and don't let this place get you down

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Here's the pros:

You've had a meet in 5 months.

You've got a sculpted stomach (I hate you).

You're tall (also hate you)

Here's the negatives:

You have no self confidence

You have a feeling of entitlement

You're thinking way too far ahead - chill out

Guess what you need to work on?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And that guy is giving you the best advice you need however hard it may be to read . Get out there and make it happen. All the best to you and I hope it all works out ok for you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's a lot of good suggestions here.

I can understand your situation as myself been there recently and also came out of a 15y relationship last year.

It hits hard at times but one thing i found is going for long solo walks and hikes helped me to sort out my mind and start enjoying my own company - along with music and listening to podcasts.

I cut off myslef from the whole community and only speak to couple of friends. However, i myself do not want to overload them but they had been tremendously helpful.

I now started joining group hikes, clubs and munches to just to meet prople, things to look forward to, having a short term fun while working on the long term.

Being indoors especially during winter gets more depressing and have to find things outside of home to fill the hours. Being single is better than being in a wrong relationship so accept yourself that you are better and being grateful for all the postive things in current situation and trust the time play it for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 28/10/23 20:00:41]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There's a lot of good suggestions here.

I can understand your situation as myself been there recently and also came out of a 15y relationship last year.

It hits hard at times but one thing i found is going for long solo walks and hikes helped me to sort out my mind and start enjoying my own company - along with music and listening to podcasts.

I cut off myslef from the whole community and only speak to couple of friends. However, i myself do not want to overload them but they had been tremendously helpful.

I now started joining group hikes, clubs and munches to just to meet prople, things to look forward to, having a short term fun while working on the long term.

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By *KTim61Man
over a year ago

Tipton

DITTO but I'm 62 so got a few years on you & I've been single for over 10 years

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have been single 3 years now, I rarely ever go out, i don’t really have a social life or many friends, the last 6 years of my life and in the last 3 months have been hell ( losing both parents ) I have just hit 45 ( yes my profile age is wrong ) and feel like I’m hitting a real midlife crisis , I just feel I’m going to be alone all my life or I will have to Settle for something I don’t really want, I just keep thinking am I that ugly that no woman wants me, it does not help my ego that I never get a reply from messages on dating sites even with a profile picture, "
Honestly if I were in this situation I think I’d be best not doing *anything*. By that I mean not having particular goals or objectives or wants rn. You’ve been through a lot and you need to lean into it, accept things as they are and process it all before you can even think about what’s beyond that. Just getting through each day right now is a major plus and you’ll get there. Time, you have to give yourself time. All the best

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I have been single 3 years now, I rarely ever go out, i don’t really have a social life or many friends, the last 6 years of my life and in the last 3 months have been hell ( losing both parents ) I have just hit 45 ( yes my profile age is wrong ) and feel like I’m hitting a real midlife crisis , I just feel I’m going to be alone all my life or I will have to Settle for something I don’t really want, I just keep thinking am I that ugly that no woman wants me, it does not help my ego that I never get a reply from messages on dating sites even with a profile picture, Honestly if I were in this situation I think I’d be best not doing *anything*. By that I mean not having particular goals or objectives or wants rn. You’ve been through a lot and you need to lean into it, accept things as they are and process it all before you can even think about what’s beyond that. Just getting through each day right now is a major plus and you’ll get there. Time, you have to give yourself time. All the best"

Thank you

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Focus on your overall well-being, which can help to give a stronger foundation for confidence and health. Socialising and dating can potentially be built up from that stronger position. It's helpful to have realistic expectations, for swinging and dating. Without that, you can get knocked, which isn't good for you and the situation you're in.

Some of the practical ideas here are great. But get back to looking after yourself. Take care. Sophie X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Please seriously consider speaking to a therapist if you can afford it. Don’t suffer I silence. You’ve had something very traumatic happen to you x

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By *otlips322020Woman
over a year ago

Liverpool

Sorry for your loss

X x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Reading this I really feel for you. As some of the advice given above is good I recommend speaking to a professional. I have experienced loneliness,PDST and still dealing with trauma of cancer. Everyone wants to provide advice and I went through the same thing. Lots of well intentioned, caring individuals trying to help but it didn't. The reason I think the advise given never helped is because those that give it are not you, they don't truly know you and what help you may and may not need. Speak to a councillor if you can.

Again, advise from a well intentioned person. I hope you can sort things out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I really feel for you. And respect you for having the courage to be vulnerable and share what you are going through.

I've had a bunch of kicks and losses the last few years. People say be thankful for what you've got. They mean well and I am, but it doesn't stop the hurt.

Grief can be hard, everyone deals with it differently. It's not mental ill-health it's a natural human state. What I can say though with certainty is: 3 months is nothing.

So much truth in this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles and my heart truly goes out to you for losing both your parents. I've only my mother alive and I couldn't bear the thought of losing her.

I don't know what else is the cause of your loneliness, but I always found my closest social circles in areas I would never expect. Find circles in new hobbies, not old ones. Go to gym, find a social circle there. At the very least you will see a boost through physical improvement and the chemicals it releases. Get back to your inner child and relive hobbies and pastimes you enjoyed during your innocent childhood years. I always found bringing my life back to the innocent simplicities is where I am at my most happiest.

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By *heGateKeeperMan
over a year ago

Stratford

I feel for you mate and if you ever need to vent, inbox is always open (applies to all btw)

I struggled to make friends for years, partly because I actually never prioritised it but then I made a mental shift and it became incredibly easy.

There are things you can do like organise work drinks/dinners or pop into your local for a pint a couple of times a week. Doesn’t even have to be alcoholic but just become a familiar face.

Join outside social groups or a club, local martial arts, footy or rugby groups exist and are a great way to meet likeminded souls and keep that human touch/social element fresh.

Then in Fab terms just be active in the forums. Engage in conversations, listen, respond to men and women and be yourself.

There must be socials in the High Wycombe, Reading, Oxford area and they are a great way to meet people and build/firm up relationships and bonds.

It’s proper cliche but you get out what you put in. I’m dealing with a break up at the moment and it’s hard, but I’m glad I put all the work in over the past few years to build and maintain a social circle because those fuckers have been my absolute rocks this last month and I’d be even more of a mess without them

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By *esthetic21Man
over a year ago

Birmingham/Bristol

Your value does not decrease based on others inability to see it. You will meet the right person when the time is right

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By *olf and RedCouple
over a year ago

Nr Cardiff or at Chams Darlaston

OP - I’m sorry for your losses. Losing a parent is hard, losing both close together even more so. A lot more people than you think feel lonely and like they will always be single. Plus not everyone in a relationship is happy either. Give yourself some time to grieve.

Fab can be a really good resource for socialising, if there are large organised ones near you. We’ve always found they’re welcoming and the more you go, the more you get to know people. Wolf goes on his own to some daytime ones, as I’m often working and he’s still enjoyed it.

Someone will come along when you’re not expecting it.

Red

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