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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A new report suggests that the so called "swing flu" pandemic is, in fact, the result of a misunderstanding between an employee and his boss.
The report goes on to say that the employee, after a particularly heavy and prolonged weekend session on the booze, reported in for work on Monday morning still inne... inebri... pissed. His boss, a teetotaller and devout Christian, was enraged by his employee's lack of self control and discipline and demanded an explanation for his condition. The employee, after several moments contemplation, answered, "s'flu bosh, s'wine flu. Hic!".
Relaying the day's events to his wife later in bed, he informed her that he had to sack the employee for reporting unfit for work. She in turn told her friend, a doctor's wife, who told her husband, that someone who worked for someone she knew had Swine Flu. The doctor alerted his colleagues and the hunt began for the orginal carrier of this highly contagious new disease. He couldn't be located, of course, because he was nursing a severe hangover at home in bed, oblivious to the furore surrounding him.
Now the whole world is frantically trying to avoid something that doesn't exist, and all because of a fucking teetoller and his loose-tongued wife. |
Cosmpolitan has done its bit to fight the terrifying advance of the H1N1 pig plague by advising its readers to avoid the missionary position during sex and instead adopt the reverse cowgirl.
According to the handy guide (spotted by Gawker, which has a grab here) explaining how not to die as a result of human contact, gals should mount their partner from above, facing his feet, because "the farther apart your mouths and noses are, the less likely you'll be to breathe in viral particles".
Other no-nos are "Lip-kissing goodbye", "Bear-hugging" and "Shaking hands", which should be replaced with "Blowing a kiss", "Greeting with a light upper-arm squeeze" and "Bumping fists", respectively.
All of these can, of course, be substituted for the simple "Lock yourself in a hermitically-sealed room until everyone else is dead or the media hysteria surrounding pig plague subsides, whichever comes sooner". ®
