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"Isn't there some kind of dementia support group for relatives?" Not on Sundays at 14:10, no. I work full-time and every kind of support group we've seen advertised is on during the working week. The expectation seems to be that people with care responsibilities don't work. | |||
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"Isn't there some kind of dementia support group for relatives? Not on Sundays at 14:10, no. I work full-time and every kind of support group we've seen advertised is on during the working week. The expectation seems to be that people with care responsibilities don't work." Online support or occupational health? | |||
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No way I would do it. I'd have quit a very long time ago. | |||
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"Isn't there some kind of dementia support group for relatives? Not on Sundays at 14:10, no. I work full-time and every kind of support group we've seen advertised is on during the working week. The expectation seems to be that people with care responsibilities don't work. Online support or occupational health? " Occupational health? I was sent there by my employer once. It wasn't wheelchair accessible. Funny day, that. I am asking a heterogeneous group of strangers here for their lived experience. I am assuming those who wish to share experiences will do, and those who don't, will not. I am not seeking counselling or psychological therapies. I have found that strangers give better advice, because people who know me just tell me I'm tough, I'll cope, blah blah, or tell me about how their mother sacrificed their job and entire life to care for their grandmother at home and would "never allow their relative to live alone." | |||
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"Isn't there some kind of dementia support group for relatives? Not on Sundays at 14:10, no. I work full-time and every kind of support group we've seen advertised is on during the working week. The expectation seems to be that people with care responsibilities don't work. Online support or occupational health? Occupational health? I was sent there by my employer once. It wasn't wheelchair accessible. Funny day, that. I am asking a heterogeneous group of strangers here for their lived experience. I am assuming those who wish to share experiences will do, and those who don't, will not. I am not seeking counselling or psychological therapies. I have found that strangers give better advice, because people who know me just tell me I'm tough, I'll cope, blah blah, or tell me about how their mother sacrificed their job and entire life to care for their grandmother at home and would "never allow their relative to live alone." " Is there anyone else you can share the responsibility with or are you alone? | |||
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"If I was in that situation I'd get them put in a home. My life and health is more important than taking that shit. I don't know how anyone copes with such a situation. I have massive respect for them.
No way I would do it. I'd have quit a very long time ago. "Social services told us last week (after saying he lacked capacity), that he could only be placed in 24hr care if he consented to go. I'm sure that's not true, but that's what they said. We have PoA but they seemed to suggest that in spite of that, we'd have to get his agreement. Which is never going to happen. | |||
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"Isn't there some kind of dementia support group for relatives? Not on Sundays at 14:10, no. I work full-time and every kind of support group we've seen advertised is on during the working week. The expectation seems to be that people with care responsibilities don't work. Online support or occupational health? Occupational health? I was sent there by my employer once. It wasn't wheelchair accessible. Funny day, that. I am asking a heterogeneous group of strangers here for their lived experience. I am assuming those who wish to share experiences will do, and those who don't, will not. I am not seeking counselling or psychological therapies. I have found that strangers give better advice, because people who know me just tell me I'm tough, I'll cope, blah blah, or tell me about how their mother sacrificed their job and entire life to care for their grandmother at home and would "never allow their relative to live alone." " Counselling or psychological therapies might offer you a useful way of coping with the behaviours you're having to deal with There are also an array of online resources where others share their story. | |||
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"If I was in that situation I'd get them put in a home. My life and health is more important than taking that shit. I don't know how anyone copes with such a situation. I have massive respect for them.
No way I would do it. I'd have quit a very long time ago.
Social services told us last week (after saying he lacked capacity), that he could only be placed in 24hr care if he consented to go. I'm sure that's not true, but that's what they said. We have PoA but they seemed to suggest that in spite of that, we'd have to get his agreement. Which is never going to happen."I’m not sure how it worked with my grandad as I didnt have POA it was another family member. He has multiple trips into hospital form falls and I’m pretty sure there had to be an adequate care package or he couldn’t be released. They said a care home in the end as caters as home were not adequate but regards to consent from family, I don’t know. | |||
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"Isn't there some kind of dementia support group for relatives? Not on Sundays at 14:10, no. I work full-time and every kind of support group we've seen advertised is on during the working week. The expectation seems to be that people with care responsibilities don't work. Online support or occupational health? Occupational health? I was sent there by my employer once. It wasn't wheelchair accessible. Funny day, that. I am asking a heterogeneous group of strangers here for their lived experience. I am assuming those who wish to share experiences will do, and those who don't, will not. I am not seeking counselling or psychological therapies. I have found that strangers give better advice, because people who know me just tell me I'm tough, I'll cope, blah blah, or tell me about how their mother sacrificed their job and entire life to care for their grandmother at home and would "never allow their relative to live alone." Is there anyone else you can share the responsibility with or are you alone?" My brother, sort of. But it's me my Dad phones when things happen. And it's me who the carers and medical alarm people have as the contact because in my brother's job, he drives professionally and he is not allowed to use any form of telephony during the working day, unless out of the vehicle. Basically, I'm the contactable one. My brother has done more recently, but still nowhere near as helpful as we really need him to be. Aside me and him, Dad has no other relatives who aren't children. | |||
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"Isn't there some kind of dementia support group for relatives? Not on Sundays at 14:10, no. I work full-time and every kind of support group we've seen advertised is on during the working week. The expectation seems to be that people with care responsibilities don't work. Online support or occupational health? Occupational health? I was sent there by my employer once. It wasn't wheelchair accessible. Funny day, that. I am asking a heterogeneous group of strangers here for their lived experience. I am assuming those who wish to share experiences will do, and those who don't, will not. I am not seeking counselling or psychological therapies. I have found that strangers give better advice, because people who know me just tell me I'm tough, I'll cope, blah blah, or tell me about how their mother sacrificed their job and entire life to care for their grandmother at home and would "never allow their relative to live alone." Counselling or psychological therapies might offer you a useful way of coping with the behaviours you're having to deal with There are also an array of online resources where others share their story. " This forum is also a resource they can use to get advice and hear people share their stories. Not sure why you have such an issue with them posting about it here? | |||
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"If I was in that situation I'd get them put in a home. My life and health is more important than taking that shit. I don't know how anyone copes with such a situation. I have massive respect for them.
No way I would do it. I'd have quit a very long time ago.
Social services told us last week (after saying he lacked capacity), that he could only be placed in 24hr care if he consented to go. I'm sure that's not true, but that's what they said. We have PoA but they seemed to suggest that in spite of that, we'd have to get his agreement. Which is never going to happen.
I’m not sure how it worked with my grandad as I didnt have POA it was another family member. He has multiple trips into hospital form falls and I’m pretty sure there had to be an adequate care package or he couldn’t be released. They said a care home in the end as caters as home were not adequate but regards to consent from family, I don’t know. "He's not long since been discharged after a fall and we had to push hard for this limited home care package. Initially, social services deemed him to have capacity (which was a complete joke) and so they accepted at face value what he told them. What he told them was utter fantasy but we were not believed. Now he's at home, they seem very unwilling to do anything much different. | |||
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"It's so difficult and I've been there myself & worked with a lot of dementia patients. It's hard for them too as you are dismissing their reality which is hard to take, I will always say try see it through their eyes, so the washing machine he thinks he's no issues, you say he has, he doesn't remember any, you say there is, both get annoyed. If I told you you were flooding your kitchen every time you used your washing machine but you knew for a fact you hadn't & I'd told you not to use it you'd be angry with me because "you know how to use it" this is where he is at. What I'd personally try to do is get involved a little with his reality as much as is safe to do so, but put some steps in place eg - remove the fuse from the washer, put it back when someone is their to aid with the washing and remove again. This may sound a little silly but my family had to do this with my nans cooker she was turning it on and leaving it all night, she still got to "cook" what she wanted (usually empty pans) and everyone else could sleep easy knowing there was no risk of burning. One patient at a residential home I visited thought she was a cleaner they provided her the cloth, brush etc to do this, there was no convincing her otherwise this would have just caused stress both ways, another example which is common in a lot of residential homes some of the ladies have dolls they believe they are their babies, obviously removing a woman's baby would cause a huge amount of upset because this women's reality is that that doll is her child, no amount of arguing will make her believe otherwise. As much as you can I'd try join his reality rather than fight it, it's so hard to see someone you love change so much especially the aggression, I just try remember that if someone told me my reality wasn't right I'd be aggressive too. My thoughts are with you, I hope you can find some more support. Mrs " This is beautiful
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"If I was in that situation I'd get them put in a home. My life and health is more important than taking that shit. I don't know how anyone copes with such a situation. I have massive respect for them.
No way I would do it. I'd have quit a very long time ago.
Social services told us last week (after saying he lacked capacity), that he could only be placed in 24hr care if he consented to go. I'm sure that's not true, but that's what they said. We have PoA but they seemed to suggest that in spite of that, we'd have to get his agreement. Which is never going to happen."They are surely talking absolute bollocks. How can he legally make any decisions if he is so affected by the dementia. I'd be looking into the legal aspects of them saying this. They should assess his capacity to consent. Likely they are just human too and trying to work within a massively overstretched system that makes them say xyz before another person is put into the broken system. You still have to be able to live your life though. | |||
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"Isn't there some kind of dementia support group for relatives? Not on Sundays at 14:10, no. I work full-time and every kind of support group we've seen advertised is on during the working week. The expectation seems to be that people with care responsibilities don't work. Online support or occupational health? Occupational health? I was sent there by my employer once. It wasn't wheelchair accessible. Funny day, that. I am asking a heterogeneous group of strangers here for their lived experience. I am assuming those who wish to share experiences will do, and those who don't, will not. I am not seeking counselling or psychological therapies. I have found that strangers give better advice, because people who know me just tell me I'm tough, I'll cope, blah blah, or tell me about how their mother sacrificed their job and entire life to care for their grandmother at home and would "never allow their relative to live alone." Counselling or psychological therapies might offer you a useful way of coping with the behaviours you're having to deal with There are also an array of online resources where others share their story. This forum is also a resource they can use to get advice and hear people share their stories. Not sure why you have such an issue with them posting about it here?" No issue. I was offering advice | |||
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"It's so difficult and I've been there myself & worked with a lot of dementia patients. It's hard for them too as you are dismissing their reality which is hard to take, I will always say try see it through their eyes, so the washing machine he thinks he's no issues, you say he has, he doesn't remember any, you say there is, both get annoyed. If I told you you were flooding your kitchen every time you used your washing machine but you knew for a fact you hadn't & I'd told you not to use it you'd be angry with me because "you know how to use it" this is where he is at. What I'd personally try to do is get involved a little with his reality as much as is safe to do so, but put some steps in place eg - remove the fuse from the washer, put it back when someone is their to aid with the washing and remove again. This may sound a little silly but my family had to do this with my nans cooker she was turning it on and leaving it all night, she still got to "cook" what she wanted (usually empty pans) and everyone else could sleep easy knowing there was no risk of burning. One patient at a residential home I visited thought she was a cleaner they provided her the cloth, brush etc to do this, there was no convincing her otherwise this would have just caused stress both ways, another example which is common in a lot of residential homes some of the ladies have dolls they believe they are their babies, obviously removing a woman's baby would cause a huge amount of upset because this women's reality is that that doll is her child, no amount of arguing will make her believe otherwise. As much as you can I'd try join his reality rather than fight it, it's so hard to see someone you love change so much especially the aggression, I just try remember that if someone told me my reality wasn't right I'd be aggressive too. My thoughts are with you, I hope you can find some more support. Mrs " Perfect advice. | |||
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"If I was in that situation I'd get them put in a home. My life and health is more important than taking that shit. I don't know how anyone copes with such a situation. I have massive respect for them.
No way I would do it. I'd have quit a very long time ago.
Social services told us last week (after saying he lacked capacity), that he could only be placed in 24hr care if he consented to go. I'm sure that's not true, but that's what they said. We have PoA but they seemed to suggest that in spite of that, we'd have to get his agreement. Which is never going to happen.
They are surely talking absolute bollocks. How can he legally make any decisions if he is so affected by the dementia.
I'd be looking into the legal aspects of them saying this. They should assess his capacity to consent. Likely they are just human too and trying to work within a massively overstretched system that makes them say xyz before another person is put into the broken system.
You still have to be able to live your life though. "He lacks mental capacity. They said that. When he was in hospital, all the medics judged him to lack capacity and would not ask him to make medical decisions. But social services said he'd have to agree to 24hr care, if we thought it necessary. I translated it as "we don't want to pay for 24hr care". | |||
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"If I was in that situation I'd get them put in a home. My life and health is more important than taking that shit. I don't know how anyone copes with such a situation. I have massive respect for them.
No way I would do it. I'd have quit a very long time ago.
Social services told us last week (after saying he lacked capacity), that he could only be placed in 24hr care if he consented to go. I'm sure that's not true, but that's what they said. We have PoA but they seemed to suggest that in spite of that, we'd have to get his agreement. Which is never going to happen."I'm not sure this is correct.. If the person has been assessed and deemed to not have capacity then that in our experience meant they couldn't make certain decisions and one of those would be about if they stayed at 'home' or their safety etc was better managed in a care environment.. Especially after POA has been agreed and given etc.. | |||
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"If I was in that situation I'd get them put in a home. My life and health is more important than taking that shit. I don't know how anyone copes with such a situation. I have massive respect for them.
No way I would do it. I'd have quit a very long time ago.
Social services told us last week (after saying he lacked capacity), that he could only be placed in 24hr care if he consented to go. I'm sure that's not true, but that's what they said. We have PoA but they seemed to suggest that in spite of that, we'd have to get his agreement. Which is never going to happen.
They are surely talking absolute bollocks. How can he legally make any decisions if he is so affected by the dementia.
I'd be looking into the legal aspects of them saying this. They should assess his capacity to consent. Likely they are just human too and trying to work within a massively overstretched system that makes them say xyz before another person is put into the broken system.
You still have to be able to live your life though.
He lacks mental capacity. They said that. When he was in hospital, all the medics judged him to lack capacity and would not ask him to make medical decisions. But social services said he'd have to agree to 24hr care, if we thought it necessary. I translated it as "we don't want to pay for 24hr care". "Does he have assets/savings/house etc? Or would it be government funded? | |||
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"If I was in that situation I'd get them put in a home. My life and health is more important than taking that shit. I don't know how anyone copes with such a situation. I have massive respect for them.
No way I would do it. I'd have quit a very long time ago.
Social services told us last week (after saying he lacked capacity), that he could only be placed in 24hr care if he consented to go. I'm sure that's not true, but that's what they said. We have PoA but they seemed to suggest that in spite of that, we'd have to get his agreement. Which is never going to happen.
They are surely talking absolute bollocks. How can he legally make any decisions if he is so affected by the dementia.
I'd be looking into the legal aspects of them saying this. They should assess his capacity to consent. Likely they are just human too and trying to work within a massively overstretched system that makes them say xyz before another person is put into the broken system.
You still have to be able to live your life though.
He lacks mental capacity. They said that. When he was in hospital, all the medics judged him to lack capacity and would not ask him to make medical decisions. But social services said he'd have to agree to 24hr care, if we thought it necessary. I translated it as "we don't want to pay for 24hr care".
Does he have assets/savings/house etc? Or would it be government funded?"He has a house on a sizeable mortgage (interest only) and no savings, only debts. We hope it would be funded. We think this is one reason for social services trying to dissuade us from asking for 24hr care, because they'd have to fund it. | |||
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"Oh KC, I’m so sorry to read how bad things have become for you and your dad. Dementia is so very cruel! I don’t have any advice on how to deal with the abuse and I sadly lost my mum before she got that bad on a regular basis (although the times she was I used to just sit and cry, and generally feel inadequate and alone). The next time he is admitted to hospital, insist that he is discharged to assess, this basically means he’ll be discharged into a care home to assess his capacity to live independently. I am happy to share the details of my own journey with my mum if you want to DM me. D x" Thanks. We did ask for that this time, but they told us he had capacity when in hospital and so it was all our efforts just to get 2x daily home visits. Since then, it's been a constant nightmare. Every agency involved has reported problems to social services almost daily and so they came out late last week. He was then judged as lacking capacity (surprise, surprise). But, in the follow up phone call to me, they said he'd have to agree if it were 24hr care/residential care. He fell again yesterday but not seriously injured this time. | |||
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"If I was in that situation I'd get them put in a home. My life and health is more important than taking that shit. I don't know how anyone copes with such a situation. I have massive respect for them.
No way I would do it. I'd have quit a very long time ago.
Social services told us last week (after saying he lacked capacity), that he could only be placed in 24hr care if he consented to go. I'm sure that's not true, but that's what they said. We have PoA but they seemed to suggest that in spite of that, we'd have to get his agreement. Which is never going to happen.
They are surely talking absolute bollocks. How can he legally make any decisions if he is so affected by the dementia.
I'd be looking into the legal aspects of them saying this. They should assess his capacity to consent. Likely they are just human too and trying to work within a massively overstretched system that makes them say xyz before another person is put into the broken system.
You still have to be able to live your life though.
He lacks mental capacity. They said that. When he was in hospital, all the medics judged him to lack capacity and would not ask him to make medical decisions. But social services said he'd have to agree to 24hr care, if we thought it necessary. I translated it as "we don't want to pay for 24hr care".
Does he have assets/savings/house etc? Or would it be government funded?
He has a house on a sizeable mortgage (interest only) and no savings, only debts. We hope it would be funded. We think this is one reason for social services trying to dissuade us from asking for 24hr care, because they'd have to fund it. "I see. My grades fully funded his own care so maybe this is why we had a different experience perhaps. | |||
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"If I was in that situation I'd get them put in a home. My life and health is more important than taking that shit. I don't know how anyone copes with such a situation. I have massive respect for them.
No way I would do it. I'd have quit a very long time ago.
Social services told us last week (after saying he lacked capacity), that he could only be placed in 24hr care if he consented to go. I'm sure that's not true, but that's what they said. We have PoA but they seemed to suggest that in spite of that, we'd have to get his agreement. Which is never going to happen.
They are surely talking absolute bollocks. How can he legally make any decisions if he is so affected by the dementia.
I'd be looking into the legal aspects of them saying this. They should assess his capacity to consent. Likely they are just human too and trying to work within a massively overstretched system that makes them say xyz before another person is put into the broken system.
You still have to be able to live your life though.
He lacks mental capacity. They said that. When he was in hospital, all the medics judged him to lack capacity and would not ask him to make medical decisions. But social services said he'd have to agree to 24hr care, if we thought it necessary. I translated it as "we don't want to pay for 24hr care".
Does he have assets/savings/house etc? Or would it be government funded?
He has a house on a sizeable mortgage (interest only) and no savings, only debts. We hope it would be funded. We think this is one reason for social services trying to dissuade us from asking for 24hr care, because they'd have to fund it.
I see. My grades fully funded his own care so maybe this is why we had a different experience perhaps. "*grandad | |||
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"The rock and the hard place is that he needs care, but abusing the carers means they will eventually give notice and pull their service I'd suggest making the washing machine impossible to use. Same with the cooker. There are alarms you can have fitted to the doors to tell you he's left the house. When he falls, is it between doors so that the flooring changes? Sounds stupid, but dementia causes loss of depth perception. So if he's moving between 2 types of flooring, his brain won't register it right, often causing them to think there's a step, so they fall Sorry you're going through this" The fall causing hospital admission was out of the shower onto the bath edge. We are told nothing can be done to improve/change his shower without a disabled facilities grant and the waiting list is over a year just for assessment. He cannot afford to totally remodel his bathroom. It's currently a moot point because the boiler is completely dead and there's no heating or hot water. Getting a grant in place has been my other FT job recently. I am hoping a visit next week will confirm suitability and that can happen. No idea where he fell yesterday, only that it was at home or in the garden. He managed to get up and told me after. Carers checked him out later. We have read about this phenomenon with flooring but unfortunately he lacks funds to pay for new flooring and neither my brother or I can afford to either. We have told social services this. | |||
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"Oh KC, I’m so sorry to read how bad things have become for you and your dad. Dementia is so very cruel! I don’t have any advice on how to deal with the abuse and I sadly lost my mum before she got that bad on a regular basis (although the times she was I used to just sit and cry, and generally feel inadequate and alone). The next time he is admitted to hospital, insist that he is discharged to assess, this basically means he’ll be discharged into a care home to assess his capacity to live independently. I am happy to share the details of my own journey with my mum if you want to DM me. D x Thanks. We did ask for that this time, but they told us he had capacity when in hospital and so it was all our efforts just to get 2x daily home visits. Since then, it's been a constant nightmare. Every agency involved has reported problems to social services almost daily and so they came out late last week. He was then judged as lacking capacity (surprise, surprise). But, in the follow up phone call to me, they said he'd have to agree if it were 24hr care/residential care. He fell again yesterday but not seriously injured this time. " I mean this in the absolute nicest way, but can get you get Mr KC on the case again? You will feel guilt and they know this and prey on it. Mr KC (apart from being a man- of course men are superior to women) will have a different attitude with them. He worked magic last time. He's your partner, you can ask him for help same as you'd ask a carer or solicitor or whatever. | |||
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"Oh KC, I’m so sorry to read how bad things have become for you and your dad. Dementia is so very cruel! I don’t have any advice on how to deal with the abuse and I sadly lost my mum before she got that bad on a regular basis (although the times she was I used to just sit and cry, and generally feel inadequate and alone). The next time he is admitted to hospital, insist that he is discharged to assess, this basically means he’ll be discharged into a care home to assess his capacity to live independently. I am happy to share the details of my own journey with my mum if you want to DM me. D x Thanks. We did ask for that this time, but they told us he had capacity when in hospital and so it was all our efforts just to get 2x daily home visits. Since then, it's been a constant nightmare. Every agency involved has reported problems to social services almost daily and so they came out late last week. He was then judged as lacking capacity (surprise, surprise). But, in the follow up phone call to me, they said he'd have to agree if it were 24hr care/residential care. He fell again yesterday but not seriously injured this time. I mean this in the absolute nicest way, but can get you get Mr KC on the case again? You will feel guilt and they know this and prey on it. Mr KC (apart from being a man- of course men are superior to women) will have a different attitude with them. He worked magic last time. He's your partner, you can ask him for help same as you'd ask a carer or solicitor or whatever. " Mr KC is helping. I've been ill, as has he this week, so it's not been the easiest for either of us. | |||
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"If the elderly person had no family, would social services be forced legally to put him in a home or something? " I really don't know. I get the impression lots of elderly people are just being left without adequate care or are "bed blocking" because the social care isn't made available for them to leave hospital. Dad's ward was full of very significantly disabled elderly people who appeared to be there indefinitely. | |||
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"Oh KC, I’m so sorry to read how bad things have become for you and your dad. Dementia is so very cruel! I don’t have any advice on how to deal with the abuse and I sadly lost my mum before she got that bad on a regular basis (although the times she was I used to just sit and cry, and generally feel inadequate and alone). The next time he is admitted to hospital, insist that he is discharged to assess, this basically means he’ll be discharged into a care home to assess his capacity to live independently. I am happy to share the details of my own journey with my mum if you want to DM me. D x Thanks. We did ask for that this time, but they told us he had capacity when in hospital and so it was all our efforts just to get 2x daily home visits. Since then, it's been a constant nightmare. Every agency involved has reported problems to social services almost daily and so they came out late last week. He was then judged as lacking capacity (surprise, surprise). But, in the follow up phone call to me, they said he'd have to agree if it were 24hr care/residential care. He fell again yesterday but not seriously injured this time. I mean this in the absolute nicest way, but can get you get Mr KC on the case again? You will feel guilt and they know this and prey on it. Mr KC (apart from being a man- of course men are superior to women) will have a different attitude with them. He worked magic last time. He's your partner, you can ask him for help same as you'd ask a carer or solicitor or whatever. Mr KC is helping. I've been ill, as has he this week, so it's not been the easiest for either of us. " Sorry, I didn't mean to infer he wasn't helping. I meant like last time he kicked their arse that's all. | |||
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"Oh KC, I’m so sorry to read how bad things have become for you and your dad. Dementia is so very cruel! I don’t have any advice on how to deal with the abuse and I sadly lost my mum before she got that bad on a regular basis (although the times she was I used to just sit and cry, and generally feel inadequate and alone). The next time he is admitted to hospital, insist that he is discharged to assess, this basically means he’ll be discharged into a care home to assess his capacity to live independently. I am happy to share the details of my own journey with my mum if you want to DM me. D x Thanks. We did ask for that this time, but they told us he had capacity when in hospital and so it was all our efforts just to get 2x daily home visits. Since then, it's been a constant nightmare. Every agency involved has reported problems to social services almost daily and so they came out late last week. He was then judged as lacking capacity (surprise, surprise). But, in the follow up phone call to me, they said he'd have to agree if it were 24hr care/residential care. He fell again yesterday but not seriously injured this time. I mean this in the absolute nicest way, but can get you get Mr KC on the case again? You will feel guilt and they know this and prey on it. Mr KC (apart from being a man- of course men are superior to women) will have a different attitude with them. He worked magic last time. He's your partner, you can ask him for help same as you'd ask a carer or solicitor or whatever. Mr KC is helping. I've been ill, as has he this week, so it's not been the easiest for either of us. Sorry, I didn't mean to infer he wasn't helping. I meant like last time he kicked their arse that's all." Sorry, didn't take it that way! Now we're in lacking capacity/PoA territory, they probably won't interact much with him, only note down info. I tried to have him there as the family rep for the visit this week but they said it had to be me or my brother only. | |||
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"Oh KC, I’m so sorry to read how bad things have become for you and your dad. Dementia is so very cruel! I don’t have any advice on how to deal with the abuse and I sadly lost my mum before she got that bad on a regular basis (although the times she was I used to just sit and cry, and generally feel inadequate and alone). The next time he is admitted to hospital, insist that he is discharged to assess, this basically means he’ll be discharged into a care home to assess his capacity to live independently. I am happy to share the details of my own journey with my mum if you want to DM me. D x Thanks. We did ask for that this time, but they told us he had capacity when in hospital and so it was all our efforts just to get 2x daily home visits. Since then, it's been a constant nightmare. Every agency involved has reported problems to social services almost daily and so they came out late last week. He was then judged as lacking capacity (surprise, surprise). But, in the follow up phone call to me, they said he'd have to agree if it were 24hr care/residential care. He fell again yesterday but not seriously injured this time. I mean this in the absolute nicest way, but can get you get Mr KC on the case again? You will feel guilt and they know this and prey on it. Mr KC (apart from being a man- of course men are superior to women) will have a different attitude with them. He worked magic last time. He's your partner, you can ask him for help same as you'd ask a carer or solicitor or whatever. Mr KC is helping. I've been ill, as has he this week, so it's not been the easiest for either of us. Sorry, I didn't mean to infer he wasn't helping. I meant like last time he kicked their arse that's all. Sorry, didn't take it that way! Now we're in lacking capacity/PoA territory, they probably won't interact much with him, only note down info. I tried to have him there as the family rep for the visit this week but they said it had to be me or my brother only. " Have you contacted citizens advice? I also found mind were really helpful in support (sadly also only daytime week day visits  ) I just can’t understand what grounds he needs to agree if he lacks capacity smh | |||
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"I've been reflecting on the "run with his reality" feedback, which I totally understand and would like to be able to do in all the circumstances. However, because we live a fair way away, and these conversations are mainly had on the phone when there's no-one supervising him, we don't feel safe in saying "oh yes, sounds lovely to go to Bournemouth....." because in the fairly recent past, he HAS acted on his unwise decisions and managed to wind up lost, halfway across the country. It's a bit different in the controlled environment of a care home or if someone is with them all the time. I suppose it cements my deepest feeling that we should be asking about 24hr care, but having had such a fight with social services to get what we have now, and with my own challenges (and my brother the same), I suppose we have felt lacking in the energy to fight even more with social services. It's one thing when the person is able to self fund and family can select whichever home meets their needs and finances, but we will be relying on local authority funding or will have to sell his house and use the limited equity, both of which will take time and require social services to agree to actually finding a placement in the first place (if that's what his finances dictate). In the immediate short term, we will be trying to disable the washer but will need to leave it such that the carers can use it in their very limited window of time and will try to play along with his vision of things, when we think it's safe to do so. I suppose we have questioned our own observations and wondered if we, his children, are finding him less capable than he is, but the past fortnight, which has involved many different services meeting him and family friends being called at short notice to intervene, has cemented our views from prior to the last big fall. At the end of August, we were trying to get him assessed for home support but then he fell and spent much of September in hospital. Another thing this experience has cemented is that I never want my children to go through this. We are looking at various insurance options to pay for care in the future because we don't want to burden our children. The problem is, I have been denied life insurance which often has the care stuff built in......" I totally get the don't say oh yes go to X places but maybe rather than no say, let's sort it another day and arrange a trip kind of thing so you aren't dismissing his wants but just trying to kindly put it off in a nice way rather than saying no you can't do this. Mrs | |||
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"If the elderly person had no family, would social services be forced legally to put him in a home or something? " Yes they wouldn't be allowed to discharge them if the support needed wasn't available, they'd usually stay in a hospital setting until social services do their assessment and decide if home care cam be provided for them to return, this can take a long time, if not a suitable home would be found. Mrs | |||
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"If the elderly person had no family, would social services be forced legally to put him in a home or something? Yes they wouldn't be allowed to discharge them if the support needed wasn't available, they'd usually stay in a hospital setting until social services do their assessment and decide if home care cam be provided for them to return, this can take a long time, if not a suitable home would be found. Mrs " Thank you. | |||
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"Mrs KC, your original question was about how to deal with the abuse. Have you looked at WomensAid type sites? I know it's not a DV situation but they may have some good advice. Grey rock etc. " I hadn't thought to look at something like this, no. Thank you for the suggestion. | |||
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