FabSwingers.com forum: When someone hurts you.

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

And you spend your days feeling worthless, rejected, not good enough, angry at their actions and having to process it all and get yourself back to place that feels ok.

And then they want you to feel sorry for them.

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By *ittlemiss Hal O weenCouple
over a year ago

Southampton

That's them being a narcissistic cunt... hugs xx

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By *hil most chillMan
over a year ago

South East & Europe

"That's them being a narcissistic cunt... hugs xx"

This sounds about right, plus what you were saying about deflection. Plus some people are just assholes

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By *ittlemiss Hal O weenCouple
over a year ago

Southampton

"That's them being a narcissistic cunt... hugs xx

This sounds about right, plus what you were saying about deflection. Plus some people are just assholes"

Yep x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"That's them being a narcissistic cunt... hugs xx"

Sadly I think this is sometimes the case but not always.

Sometimes they do need help to understand what they did wrong.

However you should never feel bad or guilty or like you're somehow in the wrong for feeling hurt.

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By *ittlemiss Hal O weenCouple
over a year ago

Southampton

True .. x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes they want a justification or a forgiveness for their actions

Sometimes they are arseholes

For me, hurt me once and the door is closed

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Sometimes they want a justification or a forgiveness for their actions

Sometimes they are arseholes

For me, hurt me once and the door is closed "

Yep, the door closes. And it seems to be a shock to some people despite how well or long they know me.

Forgiveness?

there's no way I'm going to forgive arseholes that try and make me feel bad for not letting them have their own way and crossing my boundaries.

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By *illy IdolMan
over a year ago

Midlands

"And you spend your days feeling worthless, rejected, not good enough, angry at their actions and having to process it all and get yourself back to place that feels ok.

And then they want you to feel sorry for them.

Maybe you're best to speak to them about how they've made you feel. Obviously I don't know what's gone on but maybe you can both help clear things up x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I stop, I dont engage or enable. Once/if they work out the truth of the matter, they are welcome back but till then...my world continues without them.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"That's them being a narcissistic cunt... hugs xx

Sadly I think this is sometimes the case but not always.

Sometimes they do need help to understand what they did wrong.

However you should never feel bad or guilty or like you're somehow in the wrong for feeling hurt.

I get this. But it's often the case that the second you try and explain what they did wrong they can't fucking face that either.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If someone hurt me to that extent, they’d have been brutally and surgically cut from my existence.

They would get chance to contact me again, so I’d never know what they’re doing/feeling.

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By *piderBunnyCouple
over a year ago

Back of Nowhere and Beyond

I think that most people don't set out to be nasty, and either the result of their actions was far from what they expected or was taken in a way that wasn't meant.

Unless the "wanker" was intentionally so, they're likely to also have been hurt by the outcome of whatever they did, especially if it hurt someone else (I shall use "you" for simplicity), and therefore having compassion for that fact would be a kind thing to do... assuming they feel bad for having upset you and they are apologetic.

If they show no sign of feeling bad for having hurt you or claim not to have, then I'd say pffft to their hurt.

I do think that someone "being a wanker" is subjective, and not always intentional.

I'm sorry you've been hurt, OP, that sucks.

Posh

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By *r-8-BBCMan
over a year ago

LONDON

I don’t put myself in that position

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If someone crosses the line with me these days I don’t burn energy trying to understand if they are a narcissist, a general wanker, insincere, abusive or whatever. To me it’s irrelevant.

What matters is that they are emotionally mediocre. Life is too short to entertain emotional mediocrity.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just think of your life has a journey you are starting on your own. In which you will meet some other people on their own journey. You will meet them and travel together for a distance. Some a long distance and some a short distance. Then you will go different ways to your destinations.

Think of it like that and you'll be fine.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If someone crosses the line with me these days I don’t burn energy trying to understand if they are a narcissist, a general wanker, insincere, abusive or whatever. To me it’s irrelevant.

What matters is that they are emotionally mediocre. Life is too short to entertain emotional mediocrity. "

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

People sometimes don't deal well with the consequences of their actions, they fuck up and want sympathy for doing so, I can't give that in these instances.

Unless people take steps to realise the hurt they caused I have no time to give them my sympathy.

Mrs

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By *ittlemiss Hal O weenCouple
over a year ago

Southampton

"That's them being a narcissistic cunt... hugs xx

Sadly I think this is sometimes the case but not always.

Sometimes they do need help to understand what they did wrong.

However you should never feel bad or guilty or like you're somehow in the wrong for feeling hurt.

I get this. But it's often the case that the second you try and explain what they did wrong they can't fucking face that either."

In that case they are a narcissist

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What matters is that they are emotionally mediocre. Life is too short to entertain emotional mediocrity. "

I think I’m too emotional. Especially for Fab.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If someone crosses the line with me these days I don’t burn energy trying to understand if they are a narcissist, a general wanker, insincere, abusive or whatever. To me it’s irrelevant.

What matters is that they are emotionally mediocre. Life is too short to entertain emotional mediocrity. "

I struggle to cut people off without burning the energy trying to understand it all, because I beat myself up for getting hurt in the first place when I feel that what I was giving wasn't wrong or bad and I want to understand why I got that treatment.

I can't help it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If someone crosses the line with me these days I don’t burn energy trying to understand if they are a narcissist, a general wanker, insincere, abusive or whatever. To me it’s irrelevant.

What matters is that they are emotionally mediocre. Life is too short to entertain emotional mediocrity.

I can't help it."

If I get hit by a car I don’t ask the driver if I’m somehow slowing their progress.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What matters is that they are emotionally mediocre. Life is too short to entertain emotional mediocrity.

I think I’m too emotional. Especially for Fab. "

We’re all too something for someone Woody.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

There's a dynamic referred to in some psychology, where people take on board 3 roles -

victim, rescuer, and persecutor

The abusive person may be the persecutor but can also switch to a victim role. This sounds like the OPs detailed experience with the other person.

Best to avoid those who may try to influence us into any of these roles!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And you spend your days feeling worthless, rejected, not good enough, angry at their actions and having to process it all and get yourself back to place that feels ok.

And then they want you to feel sorry for them.

I got it off this last year and it's a relief, we still talk but they're nowhere near me now.

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By *ansoffateMan
over a year ago

Sagittarius A

When there's ruptures in relationships it can fall into a blame game. Then in anger unkind words are said.

I try to look at it as both parties taking ownership for their part. If that happens it's usually easily resolved, even reconciled. People tend to want closure.

Takes two though and if the other person isn't ready or willing to do that then you have to give yourself closure.

What's that saying 'when you forgive you love and when you love you forgive.' I haven't got space in my heart to hold on to hate. When you hate you are hurting yourself.

Humans engage in all kinds of weird and wonderful behaviours when their boundaries are disturbed. Projection, deflection, drama games.

I admire your introspection, and willingness to share your experience. I hope it brings you peace.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its narcissistic behaviour. People like that are naturally selfish and you'll find they don't actually care they've hurt you but they do care about how they view theirselves and how others view them. There's always a reason, explanation or deflect that makes them the victim and a manipulation that makes you question your own feelings. These kind of people we will never understand, it's best to just cut that toxicity out of your life for good.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been hurt by utter wankers before and I've learnt just to cut contact. The nothing is ever their fault type. Not worth the energy.

Then again I've also been hurt by decent guys that just had stuff going on of their own and they didn't do it intentionally. Those I still have all the time in the world for. And I get it's not just me that got hurt.

Either way it sucks.

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By *aith SkynbyrdWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere else

"And you spend your days feeling worthless, rejected, not good enough, angry at their actions and having to process it all and get yourself back to place that feels ok.

And then they want you to feel sorry for them.

That’s a good sign you’re dealing with someone with a personality disorder.

It’s manipulative. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Can relate, sadly. I’ve been there.

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By *aith SkynbyrdWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere else

"There's a dynamic referred to in some psychology, where people take on board 3 roles -

victim, rescuer, and persecutor

The abusive person may be the persecutor but can also switch to a victim role. This sounds like the OPs detailed experience with the other person.

Best to avoid those who may try to influence us into any of these roles!"

Never heard of this before but it makes sense.

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By *EAT..85Woman
over a year ago

Nottingham

Some people are genuinely clueless.

Some people don't care enough for it to register.

Some people care but have their own mental health issues that affect their decisions and behaviour, sometimes against their better judgement.

Some people are cunts.

I probably know some one in each category right now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's tough to do, if you've spent your life trying to be nice at all costs. But sometimes you have to give the pity to yourself, when you need and deserve it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 02/10/23 17:34:36]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

!! NEEDS MORE INFORMATION !!

It’s one of those one-sided story thingamajigs isn’t it.

So… it *could* be they’re a narcissistic and manipulative prick that couldn’t care less about your feelings and are trying to control you

Or .. maybe you’ve done something wrong too and likewise can’t admit that maybe you ARE indeed somehow in the wrong

Or .. it might be something else altogether.

Gawd only knows that I don’t have a clue for sure, but I hope that the situation resolves itself and that you are able to move on positively soon

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your dead on 100% Karen

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"!! NEEDS MORE INFORMATION !!

It’s one of those one-sided story thingamajigs isn’t it.

So… it *could* be they’re a narcissistic and manipulative prick that couldn’t care less about your feelings and are trying to control you

Or .. maybe you’ve done something wrong too and likewise can’t admit that maybe you ARE indeed somehow in the wrong

Or .. it might be something else altogether.

Gawd only knows that I don’t have a clue for sure, but I hope that the situation resolves itself and that you are able to move on positively soon

Brave man

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And you spend your days feeling worthless, rejected, not good enough, angry at their actions and having to process it all and get yourself back to place that feels ok.

And then they want you to feel sorry for them.

Because they are cunty wankers. I hate the 'now don't make me start to feel guilty, I know what your trying to do, just shut it' and your just basically saying what happened *shrug*.

Yes totally deflecting and covering for their, I wouldn't say guilt, as I know that isn't felt on the other side, but it's the knowledge what they may have done was a cunty thing to do. Heaven forbid that they should recognise that. And if like me there are kids involved, they are indirectly teaching them that. That this is an acceptable way to treat partners, ex partners, their family or people in general.

Hugs it's a shit situation. Your feelings are valid and as my therapist told me, 'they need to own their shit'.

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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in Co. Down

If someone has hurt me enough for me to feel that way about myself and it has happened in the past I definitely wouldn't be feeling sorry for them if they contacted me again .In fact I wouldn't want to have anything more to do with them.

Usually yes it just means you have fallen for the wrong person and things have gone pear shaped for whatever reasons. And yes sometimes it is because the other person is just a gobshite.

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By *amesBeelzebubMan
over a year ago

norwich

For all the people that have been hurt on this thread I'm sending hugs.

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

That's why you block them

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By *oadsafun1960Man
over a year ago

Somerset & Hertfordshire

"Its narcissistic behaviour. People like that are naturally selfish and you'll find they don't actually care they've hurt you but they do care about how they view theirselves and how others view them. There's always a reason, explanation or deflect that makes them the victim and a manipulation that makes you question your own feelings. These kind of people we will never understand, it's best to just cut that toxicity out of your life for good."

Sadly they are only interested in their own needs, those needs get more and more extreme as they need more to satisfy their desires. Once you are no longer giving them what they want, or have no value to them, they can just walk away and move on the the next person without a care in the world.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

"There's a dynamic referred to in some psychology, where people take on board 3 roles -

victim, rescuer, and persecutor

The abusive person may be the persecutor but can also switch to a victim role. This sounds like the OPs detailed experience with the other person.

Best to avoid those who may try to influence us into any of these roles!

Never heard of this before but it makes sense."

It's easy to get manipulated and pulled in to any of the roles. The instigater will probably be active in playing any of the roles, maybe expert even at them.

It's often referred to as the drama triangle

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By *oadsafun1960Man
over a year ago

Somerset & Hertfordshire

"If someone crosses the line with me these days I don’t burn energy trying to understand if they are a narcissist, a general wanker, insincere, abusive or whatever. To me it’s irrelevant.

What matters is that they are emotionally mediocre. Life is too short to entertain emotional mediocrity.

I can't help it."

I can fully understand how you feel, I'm in the same place. Usually these people seem perfectly normal, loving and caring people. You fall in love with them and make plans, but as you stop fulfilling their needs for attention they withdraw, whilst making you feel it's your fault. They just switch you off and move on, usually to someone already in place and who does all the things you haven't done.

They can never face you once they go, they won't try to be friends or even speak to you, you'll get blocked and find out they've lied about why you're apart, making out they are once again the victim, if you look into their past you'll find it's a common occurrence. That leaves you to pick up the pieces of a love that is lost.

It's a painful place to be but hopefully time will heal the hurt.

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

Have you thought of trying some therapy to help you work through this?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No one has ever made me feel that way but it doesn’t sound good..

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Have you thought of trying some therapy to help you work through this? "

I'm currently having sessions each week and I've already discussed this. I just haven't got through all of it yet. But I don't have long to wait for another session.

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

I'm going to buy you some scissors for Christmas... snippety snip snip!

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Wakefield

I had someone who kind of did this to me. Three years later when she got back in touch, she she spent two hours (without stopping for breath) telling me how hard her life had been.

It was all poor her, poor her. As if an excuse for her previous bad behaviour.

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By *ris GrayMan
over a year ago

Dorchester

"And you spend your days feeling worthless, rejected, not good enough, angry at their actions and having to process it all and get yourself back to place that feels ok.

And then they want you to feel sorry for them.

What is that about? Is it a deflection so they don't have face how much of a wanker they have been? Is it them projecting something? Why is it when you're hurting you then have to consider their feeling instead?"
a film that used the same example was it the holiday with the model turned actress cameron dias and kate winslet, the guy Kate Winslets ex always thought of his problems before hers, selfish i guess

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm going to buy you some scissors for Christmas... snippety snip snip! "

Please tell me its a nice shiny new pair of stay sharp scissors. I have a pair and they've not let me down yet!

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

"I'm going to buy you some scissors for Christmas... snippety snip snip!

Please tell me its a nice shiny new pair of stay sharp scissors. I have a pair and they've not let me down yet!"

I was thinking some of those crafty ones with the wiggly edges... so cutting things off leaves a pretty pattern?

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By *ittlebirdWoman
over a year ago

The Big Smoke

"I'm going to buy you some scissors for Christmas... snippety snip snip!

Please tell me its a nice shiny new pair of stay sharp scissors. I have a pair and they've not let me down yet!

I was thinking some of those crafty ones with the wiggly edges... so cutting things off leaves a pretty pattern?"

I was thinking more of those shredding scissors

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Fuck it make it a really rusty pair that need some extra weight behind them and are a bit painful.

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