FabSwingers.com forum: The thief of joy...

By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

It's very much prompted by a post this morning, in which ranking was discussed.

So. When it comes to those you've been intimate with - do you ever compare them? Whether it's ranking them without saying, telling someone or thinking "this is the best version of this sexual act I've received".

Do you compare yourself to others on Fab? Going off some posts/threads it does happen on here but I'm curious about you. If you do it specifically.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Travelling

We all do in ways we don't always realise.

Even the self righteous at all ends of the #bekind spectrum will be doing it on some level.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

When I do something with someone that's given me the best feeling, I'll say so.

I'm not ranking anyone or telling them they're number one; I'm letting them know it's working for me.

Another time they may do it and it doesn't feel as wonderful.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
over a year ago

Carlisle usually

Oh. I remember being called a thief of joy. It brought me much joy

Umm, I don't compare. Every experience is its own. Every dynamic is its own. Every person is a whole and distinct person.

My therapist sometimes asks me about who I prefer among my favourite people, and I hate having to repeat myself that I adore them all for different reasons and thar the way I feel for one doesn't detract from the way I feel for another.

When I'm with someone, I like to be there, be present, be fully with them. Not off in my head thinking about past experienced and other people and things that just don't matter in those moments.

I definitely used to compare myself to others when I was young. I learned a long time ago that my experience is defined by me, not by how someone else is living their own experience

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve never rated anyone in my time here, I think it would be harsh to do so,

A lot of things are just down to compatibility, most people have different ways of doing things and as such, doesn’t make them better or worse, just different.

I think it adds to the experience as if everybody did stuff the same way…….. why would you meet different people?

Variety is the spice of life

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

Compare or rank? No. Never.

Every meet and every person is an individual. Its about what happens between you and them, not anyone else. The minute you start thinking someone does something better or worse than another, or that your time with them is in any way less enjoyable, is the time to step away.

Making interactions with others into some kind of competition, league table, rank or viewing your activities as needing to hit some kind of benchmark reduces what should be something about mutual interest, attraction and pleasure into a purely physical event.

Not a mindset I'd ever want to have. I'd rather go without.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Everyone is different. Everyone.

I can’t compare and never will between people.

But, I do think a person can do things others haven’t. Not better, just that others don’t do it that way. If that makes sense.

Eg - they’ll sit on you differently. Or use theirs hands more etc.

it’s not better. Just different.

Some people do somethings completely different too, and I’d never want it with anyone else. Kinda ruin memories etc. but that’s me being weird.

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"We all do in ways we don't always realise.

Even the self righteous at all ends of the #bekind spectrum will be doing it on some level. "

Perhaps on a subconscious level we do. I genuinely believe some actively don't and choose not to enter that and focus/enjoy experiences mindfully.

The #bekind crap is just that - oft I've found those who are very out about "being kind" or being a "nice person" are projecting values they feel they and others should have but the reality is far removed.

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By *ose-tinted GlassesMan
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

I have enough trouble picking a favourite song or band. Can’t do it. Imagine picking favourites between people or sexual experiences! Madness.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

I don't rank people but I will think to myself or vocalise that that was the best of this or that.

I am bad at comparing myself, if someone is interested and they have verifications from people that are very different to me I kinda get it into my head that I'm not good enough based on that, which I know is stupid because they've shown the interest but I'll doubt it based on my compassion with others.

Mrs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't really compare as I usually like to stay in the moment and don't really use absolute statements in terms of calling people the best at certain things. I can overthink sometimes after the fact and wonder how they compare me to others, especially if they have other verifications or videos on their profile so that there's some baseline for comparison there.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

My meets are 95% repeats so I do find something great about every meet or I wouldn't repeat it. I do have in the back of my mind what I especially liked from each meet. It may be how relaxed I felt with A or how good a kisser is B. But I'm not really comparing them it's just what I particularly look forward to when I see them again.

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"When I do something with someone that's given me the best feeling, I'll say so.

I'm not ranking anyone or telling them they're number one; I'm letting them know it's working for me.

Another time they may do it and it doesn't feel as wonderful.

Yes I think there's a difference between saying

"That's the best oral with popping candy I've ever had" or "that feels truly incredible". It can change - it doesn't mean you're not enjoying it but sometimes everything aligns and it hits different.

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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

I don't compare myself to others but know the reverse has happened with some considering me as competition

I think deep down we've all done some comparing of people we've been with sexually, even if subconsciously. I'll admit to having done this at times, though not in a systematic manner. I haven't gone as far as ranking people but will happily reminisce at how someone was out of this world at deep throat for example, someone else rode like no tomorrow, or another had the most amazing arch while being taken from behind

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By *ake_or_deathMan
over a year ago

Manchester

I don't have actual rankings in order but there are definitely experiences that are better than others. For example, I've had blow jobs so good I nearly saw stars, and others that were uncomfortable and not very pleasant. Obviously I noticed the difference and know which I preferred.

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By *eroLondonMan
over a year ago

Mayfair

I never compare and why on Earth would I? For me that trait would be tantamount to an unhealthy mindset. Each experience for me has been unique and positively ingrained in my memory. Therefore comparison is indeed the veritable thief of joy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

They all have a purchase place in my heart

Ranking? No, it's not a trip advisor.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"They all have a purchase place in my heart

Ranking? No, it's not a trip advisor. "

Special place. Damn autocorrect.

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

I've been called a ranker before, I think that's what they called me anyway!

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By *ose-tinted GlassesMan
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

"Ranking? No, it's not a trip advisor. "

Fab veris are exactly like TripAdvisor though. And all the funnier for it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's very much prompted by a post this morning, in which ranking was discussed.

Do you compare yourself to others on Fab? Going off some posts/threads it does happen on here but I'm curious about you. If you do it specifically. "

Op hi

I do not see fab as a comparison site. Neither for me is it a competition.

What about you op, what are your views on your post?

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By *eyond PurityCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

We’ve had wonderful unique experiences with a few people and that’s what they are - unique. So not for comparison - we enjoy doing different things so nothings ever feels the same.

Even our own sex life still feels new after 3 years together as we try different things - there’s no comparing from play sessions.

We often reminisce about some things which blew our mind at the time and each person we’ve played with could be mentioned for various reasons or acts but every one doesn’t have a rank - they often get pulled out of the wank bank

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe not ranking as that sounds a bit harsh. But surely you would think some meets are better than others due to connection and all that shizzle? I wouldn't be awful about it though, if it gets to the stage we meet and fuck then you're definitely not unworthy and I must like you... but maybe I do enjoy someone else that little bit more and that's OK.

And yes I definitely do compare myself to others on here sometimes, but fleetingly so. I've been put off people after seeing veris from women who are out of this world because then I think why would they want me kind of thing. It's silly I know, and kind of clashes with my above post in ways. I'm working on it, totally my issue.

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By *eyond PurityCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

Oh and we don’t compare ourselves with others - some people will like us and the way we conduct ourselves on FAB, some people will think we are wanky…we don’t worry about it either way.

Focus on the positives and good things happen more often

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By *ansoffateMan
over a year ago

Sagittarius A

I'm somewhat in agreement with Kai ^^^ and have quite a strong base of experience to support such a belief.

I think by nature we compare and contrast. It's how much you get wrapped up in it and the reasons why. If we didn't, on some level, albeit qualitatively, it would be completely arbitrary? Any hole's a goal?

There's people I find interesting in what they say, how they say it. e.g. if someone has a greater knowledge than me on a subject - I think they may be interesting to talk to.

There are memories with partners that go back 30 years that are imprinted in my grey matter. It's actually the connectedness felt on an emotional level that seems to be relevant though. Even in the memories that were sexually intense.

I want experiences that leave imprints on me like that, but to compare them no that just doesn't seem right.

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"Oh. I remember being called a thief of joy. It brought me much joy

Umm, I don't compare. Every experience is its own. Every dynamic is its own. Every person is a whole and distinct person.

When I'm with someone, I like to be there, be present, be fully with them. Not off in my head thinking about past experienced and other people and things that just don't matter in those moments.

I definitely used to compare myself to others when I was young. I learned a long time ago that my experience is defined by me, not by how someone else is living their own experience

A thief of joy is the sort of warped compliment I can imagine you enjoying.

The favourite person and not being able to say who makes a lot of sense.

I think once you've made the distinction from someone being a friend to a favourite person (and that's not based on anything other than how that person is with you, it's not a comparison) then it's pretty much the same isn't it? They're all people you adore, for a myriad of reasons.

I've found in the past that if I'm unsure of myself in a relationship, if I'm lied to etc then I can overthink. Start comparing myself but only in so far as 'I'm not good enough', the other person is probably better etc. I've identified why that happens and can see it's when I'm trying to rationalise bad behaviour others would say fuck off to.

Your experience is defined by you is a lovely little soundbite by the way.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
over a year ago

Carlisle usually

" A thief of joy is the sort of warped compliment I can imagine you enjoying.

The favourite person and not being able to say who makes a lot of sense.

Your experience is defined by you is a lovely little soundbite by the way."

My favourite person is always the one I'm with in that moment. If it's not, I wouldn't be with them. But just because they're the focus at that moment doesn't mean that my feelings for anyone else are diminished in the slightest, just out of sight for the moment so I can enjoy everything about the person I'm with. I'm no less one person's person just because I'm elsewhere for a moment.

I think that's when it happens the most. They only treat me this way because I'm not worth more. If I was more like that person that they treat better then maybe they'd treat me that well sort of thinking. But no, odds are that they'll be just as shitty with that other person, just where it's less visible. And if not, changing who you are isn't the answer. Removing yourself from a shitty situation and finding better people is

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By *ilthycoupleabzCouple
over a year ago

Aberdeen

"It's very much prompted by a post this morning, in which ranking was discussed.

Do you compare yourself to others on Fab? Going off some posts/threads it does happen on here but I'm curious about you. If you do it specifically. "

I try not to rank people I have met or been with, each one of them was special or served purpose in my life differently.

For myself, I am learning not to compare myself with others. It is a pointless exercise which only leads to feeling insecure and bad in oneself

MrsAbz

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"Everyone is different. Everyone.

I can’t compare and never will between people.

But, I do think a person can do things others haven’t. Not better, just that others don’t do it that way. If that makes sense.

Eg - they’ll sit on you differently. Or use theirs hands more etc.

it’s not better. Just different.

Some people do somethings completely different too, and I’d never want it with anyone else. Kinda ruin memories etc. but that’s me being weird.

I don't think that's being weird at all, it's rather lovely. Having that shared experience with another, the particular little things that make it *your* experience. I feel that way about terms of endearment, the personal nicknames that can come out about. They're unique and can't be replicated. Well, they can be. But not truly.

It does make sense - the whole doing things others can't. Not better, just differently. I think that's part of my poly leanings though - that belief that people aren't better, just different. Like love. I have love and time for platonic friends, in a different way than I do for lovers. It doesn't mean there's more, it's better. It's just... different.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We all do in ways we don't always realise.

Even the self righteous at all ends of the #bekind spectrum will be doing it on some level. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Obviously

There’s still a girl I think about from maybe 8 years ago and her body was as close to a 10 as you can possibly get for me

I want that same level of attraction for a long term relationship now because I know what it feels like to be truly obsessed with someone in that way

Her personality was a 2 though

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t compare fabbers or compare myself to fabbers. I know what the pickle can and can’t do for people.

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By *tanley FunseekerMan
over a year ago

stanley

Yes and I never ever stack up everyone feels a bit out of my league . Being here in the forums has helped a lot with self confidence, there are some lovely people and even though it’s the the virtual world I don’t feel as unnoticed when I’m interacting with folk here ( this i me just being honest not looking for sympathy)

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By *heVonMatterhornsCouple
over a year ago

Lincoln

Not a comparison between people, no. It's more a thought of "I really enjoyed [x] with that person" but everyone is different and even different meets with the same person can differ.

I think we as people worry that others are "ranking" us more than it actually happens. (Besides, we all know I'm in the top ten

) And I think comparing yourself to others is pretty normal too, I'm guilty of it.

LvM

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have a book I write all my meets in. I rate them out of 10 on looks, personality, social interaction, embarrassment, erection/wetness and sex.

I also add a brief description of anything of note.

If you want to know what I have down about you (anyone) just let me know.

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By *mf123Man
over a year ago

with one foot out the door

I was born to compete if im not trying to be the best at something im failing so yes i compare myself to all others

As for the gals i have already had the best of my life theres nobody to compare but thats because i allowed a thing to happen il never allow again so there she will stay the ultimate girl iv had everyone else is destined for at most 2nd place

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By *heVonMatterhornsCouple
over a year ago

Lincoln

"I have a book I write all my meets in. I rate them out of 10 on looks, personality, social interaction, embarrassment, erection/wetness and sex.

I also add a brief description of anything of note.

If you want to know what I have down about you (anyone) just let me know.

LvM

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle

"When I do something with someone that's given me the best feeling, I'll say so.

I'm not ranking anyone or telling them they're number one; I'm letting them know it's working for me.

Another time they may do it and it doesn't feel as wonderful.

Me also agree

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By *lan157Man
over a year ago

a village near Haywards Heath in East Sussex

I don't compare people. Everyone is different in an infinite number of ways . That's the attraction of the lifestyle . My comparison is between this time and the previous time(s) with the same person. Have I made the meeting sufficiently different for her. Has she had a better time etc. It's the only way of securing a " next time"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

^ what they all said, Meli.

All unique meets, all Fab in their own ways.

(But yeah, Jenni (UNLOS) was probably my fave

)

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By *ittlebirdWoman
over a year ago

The Big Smoke

I’m quite happy not doing OP. I’m just me at the end of the day. Other people can take or leave me. That’s up to them.

But I’m on here and in life in general to enjoy myself. Pure and simple

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