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Conflict management (and resolution)

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By *eli OP   Woman
over a year ago

.

How are you at dealing with conflict?

Whether it's work based, in relationships, on the fora, with family, friends etc. Do you think you're good at it?

I know I'm not great at it - I tend to fall into the providing evidence to back up my points when sometimes I should really just stop and breathe. What do you do to successfully navigate it?

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

I'm absolutely terrible, I hate conflict it stresses me, I just get flustered and if it's bad conflict I'm even worse the tears run (it's so embarrassing) not that I'm upset usually just through stress so I actively try and avoid it where possible so I'm not a blubbering mess.

Mrs

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
over a year ago

Carlisle usually

Take the time to calm down and usually word vomit a stream of consciousness onto paper so I can organise my thoughts a little before initiating that conversation if I can.

In the moment, when emotions are high, I struggle to really articulate what the problem is. And it's difficult to resolve something when the parties involved can't understand the perspective of the other.

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By *atfuckerbristolMan
over a year ago

Wells

I have to do a fair bit of this for work. Have to say, someone actually having evidence rather than saying they ‘felt’ or ‘thought’ something would be a joy to me!

I think I’m good at this professionally, but rubbish personally where I’ll avoid conflict wherever possible.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Work is generally conflict free, thankfully.

Personal life, that's just my ex but I'm dealing with that, I know a guy who knows a guy.

On here? Unlos generally, I get to the point where I just can not be arsed.

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By *eli OP   Woman
over a year ago

.


"I'm absolutely terrible, I hate conflict it stresses me, I just get flustered and if it's bad conflict I'm even worse the tears run (it's so embarrassing) not that I'm upset usually just through stress so I actively try and avoid it where possible so I'm not a blubbering mess.

Mrs "

Oh tears through stress are a pain in the arse. Sometimes I angry cry which is irritating because it's harder to think rationally when you're blubbering. Conflict is stressful - it's best to try and resolve it as quickly as possible so it doesn't become A Big Thing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Depends on what they mean to me you find that is a common trend with me

If I have strong feelings towards them I even say sorry and say I am in the wrong when I am not just to not cuss any more damage or strain the relationship further

If I don’t have strong feelings toward the person I can be somewhat take a stance on my soap box and not movie off it

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By *edeWoman
over a year ago

the abyss

I'm not sure I'm great at it. I tend to pull back and go quiet and try and figure out my thoughts into some sense and figure how I feel and why.

I do then try to articulate what I'm feeling but probably not very well. Often I won't verbalise anything though and just try and let it pass as I don't like conflict. It often depends how I am feeling generally at the time when the added conflict arises as well.

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By *eli OP   Woman
over a year ago

.


"Take the time to calm down and usually word vomit a stream of consciousness onto paper so I can organise my thoughts a little before initiating that conversation if I can.

In the moment, when emotions are high, I struggle to really articulate what the problem is. And it's difficult to resolve something when the parties involved can't understand the perspective of the other."

Word vomiting is a good idea, do you discuss it with others or just let yourself feel and write down exactly how you feel without influence?

When emotions are heightened and even more so when feelings are involved it can become even more sticky and messy. Giving time and trying to really listen to each person when things aren't so heightened is a good idea.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds


"I'm absolutely terrible, I hate conflict it stresses me, I just get flustered and if it's bad conflict I'm even worse the tears run (it's so embarrassing) not that I'm upset usually just through stress so I actively try and avoid it where possible so I'm not a blubbering mess.

Mrs

Oh tears through stress are a pain in the arse. Sometimes I angry cry which is irritating because it's harder to think rationally when you're blubbering. Conflict is stressful - it's best to try and resolve it as quickly as possible so it doesn't become A Big Thing."

Yep I angry cry too, it's so annoying and trying to explain your not upset just angry with tears streaming never gets the point across.

Mrs

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I'm seldom in conflict with those that are in conflict with me. I allow people their emotions and then settle differences calmly until something amicable emerges from listening to each other.

I tend to know my values and boundaries and will seldom let go of those and they are much easier to maintain in a calmer frame of mind.

When someone is ranting, I let them and don't enter into discussion with them while they are unstable and never judge them in that moment. Then get down to business later.

Okay sometimes I am thinking you absolute dick , you need some self control but then I can remember being there in younger days and I am glad that we grow into leaving that behind.

If my adrenalin does rise..... I get out of everyone's way because an ugly spectacle isn't strength.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't seek it out, but I'm good at it and have my own shovel.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross


"I don't seek it out, but I'm good at it and have my own shovel."

To bury the mess you made when you shit yourself ?

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By *dam1971Man
over a year ago

Bedford

I’ve done it a few times at work, I think I’m ok at it when helping others get through stuff.

I’m getting better at it myself, although I’m still a bit slow. As Cede said, I sometimes need to sort out what I feel and how I should respond in my head first.

It’s definitely a skill though, a very few have got the basics but most can learn to be better at it.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I'm going to come back to this thread Meli. Some of the responses have really piqued my interest and I want to see how they develop or what others say about their conflict resolutions.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How are you at dealing with conflict?

Whether it's work based, in relationships, on the fora, with family, friends etc. Do you think you're good at it?

I know I'm not great at it - I tend to fall into the providing evidence to back up my points when sometimes I should really just stop and breathe. What do you do to successfully navigate it?"

I've defused many situations on nights out, in a variety of ways from a quick thinking kiss on the lips, to turning it into a dance and making everyone laugh, I'm usually laid back and easy going so I can never be arsed with the argo or drama that follow conflict.

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By *ndycoinsMan
over a year ago

Whaley Bridge,Nr Buxton,

Use the Brian Clough method.We have a chat about it for ten minutes and then decide I was right.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
over a year ago

Carlisle usually


"Take the time to calm down and usually word vomit a stream of consciousness onto paper so I can organise my thoughts a little before initiating that conversation if I can.

In the moment, when emotions are high, I struggle to really articulate what the problem is. And it's difficult to resolve something when the parties involved can't understand the perspective of the other.

Word vomiting is a good idea, do you discuss it with others or just let yourself feel and write down exactly how you feel without influence?

When emotions are heightened and even more so when feelings are involved it can become even more sticky and messy. Giving time and trying to really listen to each person when things aren't so heightened is a good idea."

I tend to word vomit and try and sort it out myself. Then I usually call my emotional support junkie and see if he can make sense of what I'm saying. It's easier to rework into something digestible with an outside perspective when I'm not sure I can get it across right.

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By *eli OP   Woman
over a year ago

.


"I have to do a fair bit of this for work. Have to say, someone actually having evidence rather than saying they ‘felt’ or ‘thought’ something would be a joy to me!

I think I’m good at this professionally, but rubbish personally where I’ll avoid conflict wherever possible. "

No, I don't think evidence providing is an effective way of dealing with it! Hence my thread.

If you're having to provide evidence it's kind of like... making it about who is right and wrong. I have a rather large debater streak in me but it then becomes about showing the other is wrong and I don't know. I'd rather not have to resort to that. I'd much rather listen, take some space to process and let the other person do so and then come back and try and talk it through. Truly hearing what the other person is saying and not just my need to be right.

Professionally it's far easier to remove emotions and deal with it rationally I think.

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By *eli OP   Woman
over a year ago

.


"Work is generally conflict free, thankfully.

Personal life, that's just my ex but I'm dealing with that, I know a guy who knows a guy.

On here? Unlos generally, I get to the point where I just can not be arsed.

"

A guy who knows a guy.

Unlosing is a temporary solution - it doesn't resolve anything really. But I guess if you're at the can't be arsed stage then yes, it makes sense.

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By *mf123Man
over a year ago

with one foot out the door

Depends who it is what its about and how much i care about the out come i dont mind a bit of conflict but im not arsed if im not arsed also

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By *dam1971Man
over a year ago

Bedford


"Professionally it's far easier to remove emotions and deal with it rationally I think."

Absolutely this, Meli. Part of it is making sure everyone is listened to, and knows it.

The other part is making sure nobody loses face because people react by the story they tell themselves afterwards. If that story is “they heard what I said and this is how we’re moving forward.” That’s great.

If that story is “What a waste of time, they still didn’t understand what I said, the twats.” Then more conflict is just around the corner.

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By *eli OP   Woman
over a year ago

.


"I'm seldom in conflict with those that are in conflict with me. I allow people their emotions and then settle differences calmly until something amicable emerges from listening to each other.

I tend to know my values and boundaries and will seldom let go of those and they are much easier to maintain in a calmer frame of mind.

When someone is ranting, I let them and don't enter into discussion with them while they are unstable and never judge them in that moment. Then get down to business later.

Okay sometimes I am thinking you absolute dick , you need some self control but then I can remember being there in younger days and I am glad that we grow into leaving that behind.

If my adrenalin does rise..... I get out of everyone's way because an ugly spectacle isn't strength.

"

No it's not. I think there's a definite spike in adrenaline that can occur - the flight or fight response. And then things are said that are hurtful, can't easily be taken back.

Settling differences calmly and amicably is the right way to do things, well I think so anyway. You can't really hear another if emotions are clouding your response.

I'm hoping I grow in to it, it's something I'm aware I need to work on and am trying to do so. Maybe with age there is a kind of wisdom.

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By *riar BelisseWoman
over a year ago

Delightful Bliss

I'm a avoidant to verbal conflict between others and also towards myself. I've never started it, so why should I be drawn into it, I'm too easy going to give a shit about others, "he says she says" dramatics and I'll never take sides.

If It is a physical interaction between others though, then my protectiveness activates and I'll wade in to cool it down

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not really the best at it. But I had a really good conversation with someone in here once. Quite recently actually.

At work I’m ok with it. Had some coaching on it.

Useful: when you did X it made me feel Y. I would like to be able to move on positively etc etc

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By *eli OP   Woman
over a year ago

.


"Professionally it's far easier to remove emotions and deal with it rationally I think.

Absolutely this, Meli. Part of it is making sure everyone is listened to, and knows it.

The other part is making sure nobody loses face because people react by the story they tell themselves afterwards. If that story is “they heard what I said and this is how we’re moving forward.” That’s great.

If that story is “What a waste of time, they still didn’t understand what I said, the twats.” Then more conflict is just around the corner."

Ah I'd not heard of this way of looking at it before, it makes a lot of sense - if you leave a conversation feeling unhappy/not listened to, at some point it'll rear its ugly head again.

Professionally it's so much easier to resolve (I was going to use an awful cliché!) and that's it, done. You're right about the vast majority of us having basic skills but not being good at it - I'm self aware enough to know I'm not great when it's away from a professional capacity. You learn though, don't you?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't seek it out, but I'm good at it and have my own shovel.

To bury the mess you made when you shit yourself ? "

No, if someone makes me shit myself, it becomes their problem.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 17/08/23 08:43:16]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not too bad. I just let it build up because I don't want to rock the boat until I eventually resent them because I don't think I can portray my views without sounding like a patronising arsehole

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By *eli OP   Woman
over a year ago

.


"Not too bad. I just let it build up because I don't want to rock the boat until I eventually resent them because I don't think I can portray my views without sounding like a patronising arsehole "

That's your definition of "not too bad" Joe?

I think when it gets to the point that things have been stored up so much you resent someone it's not healthy. At all. Everyone has a bit of patronising arsehole in them (well some like me have a lot).

I don't think I want to get to the point where I resent anyone ever, it's a toxic emotion to have. Far better to step away, properly listen when things are less heated and also talk. If you feel like you can't say how you really feel/it's just going to be received a set way... I don't think that's good. Give people the benefit of doubt, maybe they'll hear and you won't resent them so much.

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

Conflict resolution only works if both parties actually want to resolve things.

When one won't attempt to talk, discuss or seek compromise, then its a pointless exercise that will just end in frustration.

A

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By *TG3Man
over a year ago

Dorchester


"How are you at dealing with conflict?

Whether it's work based, in relationships, on the fora, with family, friends etc. Do you think you're good at it?

I know I'm not great at it - I tend to fall into the providing evidence to back up my points when sometimes I should really just stop and breathe. What do you do to successfully navigate it?"
Just smile and agree they can't go any further with it then or walk away if it gets heated

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Not too bad. I just let it build up because I don't want to rock the boat until I eventually resent them because I don't think I can portray my views without sounding like a patronising arsehole

That's your definition of "not too bad" Joe?

I think when it gets to the point that things have been stored up so much you resent someone it's not healthy. At all. Everyone has a bit of patronising arsehole in them (well some like me have a lot).

I don't think I want to get to the point where I resent anyone ever, it's a toxic emotion to have. Far better to step away, properly listen when things are less heated and also talk. If you feel like you can't say how you really feel/it's just going to be received a set way... I don't think that's good. Give people the benefit of doubt, maybe they'll hear and you won't resent them so much."

Oh it's definitely not healthy and know it's very toxic that can only serve to alienate people in my life. I know I need to back myself to just say what I have to and hope they don't take it the wrong way and just have a bit more faith in them that they equally want to resolve the conflict instead of letting it simmer.

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