FabSwingers.com forum: How much are you able to

By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

forgive and forget... and how much do you hold a grudge? Does it depend on the person, the "wrong" they did to you or both?

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By *arl828Man
over a year ago

warrington, Cheshire

To me it depends on the 'wrong' they did.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I chose to forgive my first boyfriend. He left me physically black and blue and caused me to have a miscarriage.

I haven't been able to find that forgiveness towards my last boyfriend who had a 2 year affair.

I don't know why I can forgive one and not the other. I think its probably due to the fact I've been able to have counselling about the first and not the latter!

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By *nvictusMan
over a year ago

Beeston

I refuse to answer this OP as 2 years and 3 days ago you were a bit short with me on another thread. Hmmpf!

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By *nfieldishCouple
over a year ago

Enfield

Always forgive...prob never forget......cannot be bothered to hold a grudge...

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

It takes time to forgive but its much more emotional not to forgive and i choose to let noone have the advantage of using my negative emtions

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"I refuse to answer this OP as 2 years and 3 days ago you were a bit short with me on another thread. Hmmpf!

"
I am so sorry - I remember it well and have been feeling bad about it ever since.

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By *nvictusMan
over a year ago

Beeston

"I refuse to answer this OP as 2 years and 3 days ago you were a bit short with me on another thread. Hmmpf!

I am so sorry - I remember it well and have been feeling bad about it ever since.

I might just reconsider for a bj. Otherwise sling yer hook...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I never forget and over time i learn to live with it .

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"I refuse to answer this OP as 2 years and 3 days ago you were a bit short with me on another thread. Hmmpf!

I am so sorry - I remember it well and have been feeling bad about it ever since.

I might just reconsider for a bj. Otherwise sling yer hook...

and line... and sinker...anything for you, just about anything to avoid falling into disgrace again

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

I'm too lazy to bear a grudge.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"I never forget and over time i learn to live with it ."
Interesting as well... I d say I probably do not forget but like others have suggested on here I forgive because for one I believe in the concept but also because not forgiving means holding on to anger/ frustration etc and damaging yourself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

for some strange reason i have forgiven my husband for splitting from me to pursue my best mate yet i cannot forgive my best friend for starting a relationship with him...can t figure why i d forgive him but not her?!

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"for some strange reason i have forgiven my husband for splitting from me to pursue my best mate yet i cannot forgive my best friend for starting a relationship with him...can t figure why i d forgive him but not her?!

Possibly the betrayal of trust within the sisterhood. I can not explain why but I think I would find it harder to forgive the friend than the partner.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't forget much, the only way we're really able to judge each other's characters is by our actions - if someone acts in a violent way, say, or cheats without remorse, it's probably worth bearing that in mind for the future.

I don't think that's the same as holding grudges though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes it's harder to forgive yourself for the things you have done to others.

For close loved ones, I'd say it's easier to forgive and forget, although watching Jeremy Kyle you wouldn't think so

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can hold a grudge forever...

To proud to forgive and too stubborn to forget!

I forgive and forget some things though I can't think what

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If I am wronged, then it would be very hard for me to forgive and to forget.

I may push it to one side and compartmentalise it and not think about it, however, I won't forget.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I never forget and over time i learn to live with it .Interesting as well... I d say I probably do not forget but like others have suggested on here I forgive because for one I believe in the concept but also because not forgiving means holding on to anger/ frustration etc and damaging yourself.

"
when over the years its a person you trust that hurts you like your mum ..Who hit you rip your clothes off because she hit the drink next day cant remember but you do .. so you say nothing learn to live with it as asking why thay cant remember. Thank god she has not been so bad now dads gone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If I am wronged, then it would be very hard for me to forgive and to forget.

I may push it to one side and compartmentalise it and not think about it, however, I won't forget.

I feel the same too, i find it hard to forgive myself for mistakes i have made even when i was a kid.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

when over the years its a person you trust that hurts you like your mum ..Who hit you rip your clothes off because she hit the drink next day cant remember but you do .. so you say nothing learn to live with it as asking why thay cant remember. Thank god she has not been so bad now dads gone."
Some things, I agree especially ongoing long term hurt can make forgiving very difficult.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"If I am wronged, then it would be very hard for me to forgive and to forget.

I may push it to one side and compartmentalise it and not think about it, however, I won't forget.

I feel the same too, i find it hard to forgive myself for mistakes i have made even when i was a kid."
I can relate to that re mistakes made in the past. Having said that, by doing so aren't we only burdening ourselves with yesterday's baggage? Just a thought...

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By *ruitWoman
over a year ago

near kings lynn

I have been let down badly in the past and its been hard to deal with the emotions afterwards. I learn to live with what has happened as best I can.

I often tend to worry more about how they are even though they have let me down. I am not a person to hate someone but it does make me look at them in a different way entirely.

I have had to accept that somehow I have to move on. Its been very hard in the past and took me years to get over my marriage ending.

Now I try to carry on as normal but hide how I feel inside to stop it from spilling out. Its hard but if that person is not part of my life I need to accept that I have to somehow move on.

I cant hate them but the dissappointment is really hard to get over.

I guess it depends what has happened as to how others would feel.

Fruit x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes I can forgive. However if there are more than a few episodes of hurt I can sometimes leave it until one day ill snap. If I've been pushed too many times I will not forgive.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I find I'll forgive and forgive, then I'll snap and be broken. I then do not forget, forgive maybe.

Only one person has ever made their way back into my life properly, and another keeps pushing..I'll see how long they last for.

And sadly, one of my sisters made it onto my list!! Grr

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If I am wronged, then it would be very hard for me to forgive and to forget.

I may push it to one side and compartmentalise it and not think about it, however, I won't forget.

I feel the same too, i find it hard to forgive myself for mistakes i have made even when i was a kid.I can relate to that re mistakes made in the past. Having said that, by doing so aren't we only burdening ourselves with yesterday's baggage? Just a thought..."

I know its stupid but its just the way i am.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"If I am wronged, then it would be very hard for me to forgive and to forget.

I may push it to one side and compartmentalise it and not think about it, however, I won't forget.

I know its stupid but its just the way i am."
No, not stupid - we are what we are. And I think when it comes to the world of feelings, rational thinking does not help much xx

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By *radleyandRavenCouple
over a year ago

Herts

"I chose to forgive my first boyfriend. He left me physically black and blue and caused me to have a miscarriage.

I haven't been able to find that forgiveness towards my last boyfriend who had a 2 year affair.

I don't know why I can forgive one and not the other. I think its probably due to the fact I've been able to have counselling about the first and not the latter!"

You're clearly a lot stronger than I am. There is no WAY I would be able to forgive the first one. x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i can forgive but it depends on what happened and how bad i was treated, as for forgetting dont know on that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After my husband had an affair I tried to forgive.. But I never forgot and it slowly ate away at me. The day he left I got a tattoo "Live and let live".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I forgive and forget once the situation has been rectified but that doesn't mean the outcome is any different

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By *radleyandRavenCouple
over a year ago

Herts

That would depend on what they've done, really. I wouldn't say I hold grudges but if someone REPEATEDLY causes me hurt with little or no remorse, I will cut them out of my life, simple as (like I've done with my Dad).

I've wasted far too much energy on that man who made my life a misery and I got tired of feeling emotionally exhausted whenever I repeatedly forgave him only for him to go and do something else. Life has been so much happier and easier since I cut all ties and I've learned to apply that logic elsewhere.

Will I regret it when he kicks the bucket? I don't know yet, but somebody who loved me wouldn't put me through what he did. I can't change him but I can't emotionally keep him in my life.

Sounds harsh, but it's served me well (so far).

- Amy. x

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Psychometrics tells us two of the base four personality types are grudge bearers. But that’s not the same as saying they go around holding in pent-up anger all day long. To truly forgive one needs to give pardon, excuse fault or blame and show genuine compassion for those who have wronged us…. can this be possible if we don’t forget and still consider the actions of another to be a wrong (measured against our own moral code)?

Even those who are be personality type not considered grudge bearers, there will be a line which once crossed enters the territory of unforgivable – where this line sits will vary from person to person.

There are people in this world who for whatever reason refuse to be accountable for their action.

There are those who expect forgiveness from others, whilst holding on to their own grudges.

There are those who are just sly feckers, fanning the embers and then playing innocent when the flame flare up.

I do hold grudges, though it takes quite a lot before I consider something grudge worthy. The trivial things do not matter as they are … ermmmm trivial. But I am aware I have a line that once crossed I will not forget…. as to forget is to not have learnt from the experience. Why would I forgive such a thing? Why would I excuse someone for something I considered to be a deliberate wrong? It doesn’t mean I need to be angry. I may feel irritated, if I allow myself to be irritated by them.I’m mpre likely to take the piss.

There aren’t many of us who can say they have never encountered someone who just got on their tits. At least 2% of the people you encounter in your life will not like you no matter what you do or say…. they are not holding back a damaging rage though…. it’s just the way it is.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I forgive and forget once the situation has been rectified but that doesn't mean the outcome is any different

"
how can you rectify someone who has upset you? and caused hurt?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Love that response

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Forgive, forget, move on

Lifes too short

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 04/02/13 19:54:27]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Forgiving can be very difficult at times, depending on the hurt. Forgetting, one never does. You can push it way back and never think about it, or very little, and that is best. remembering and thinking about the hurt only hurts you more.

Another thing, forgiving is not reconciliation. It only takes one to forgive, you. It takes both parties to reconcile.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That is difficult to answer, but for your sake I hope you do. By not forgiving her, she is still hurting you. Don't let her hurt you any longer.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

That is difficult to answer, but for your sake I hope you do. By not forgiving her, she is still hurting you. Don't let her hurt you any longer. "
I think you hit the nail on the head there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can't and won't ever forgive my grandfather for loving his kids and grandkids the jimmy saville way. I personaly believe no form of deception is forgivable. I play by the rules that you don't hurt others if you can avoid it. Simples.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"I can't and won't ever forgive my grandfather for loving his kids and grandkids the jimmy saville way. I personaly believe no form of deception is forgivable. I play by the rules that you don't hurt others if you can avoid it. Simples."
OMG that is another really tough one. And very understndable that you feel that way.

On positive note I also try to not cause harm in my encounters with others. Not always successfully as conflict is part of humanity but one cannot but try.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

They say the person most hurt by hatred is the person doing the hating……

But I do hold a healthy contempt for a close family member who I feel betrayed the generosity of unconditional love they were given by their parents….

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Emotions are really powerful things and even though we say we forgive do we really when something horrible has happened to either our loved ones or ourseleves? I know I would struggle to forgive in that situation and certainly never forget.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"They say the person most hurt by hatred is the person doing the hating……

But I do hold a healthy contempt for a close family member who I feel betrayed the generosity of unconditional love they were given by their parents….

Is a healthy contempt in your view genuinely healthy? I am asking (and of course I dont know the circumstances and severerity) but to me a healthy contempt is a bit of a contradiction in terms? I guess for me it might be a healthy (emotional and physical) distance perhaps. Not sure.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"They say the person most hurt by hatred is the person doing the hating……

But I do hold a healthy contempt for a close family member who I feel betrayed the generosity of unconditional love they were given by their parents….

To be honest Affro…..it’s the most unhealthy thing in my life….

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By *ittlebitWoman
over a year ago

Plymouth

No comment

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Im really not one for holding a grudge, i find the only person it really harms is yourself, i have no intentions of being bitter over someone else, thats not to say im not weary of someone if they cross me but id sooner just get on with life than sit planning pay backs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That is difficult to answer, but for your sake I hope you do. By not forgiving her, she is still hurting you. Don't let her hurt you any longer. "

i know...big sigh...

just can t get my head round how she could do that...grrr really want to forgive her but just can t!

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"They say the person most hurt by hatred is the person doing the hating……

But I do hold a healthy contempt for a close family member who I feel betrayed the generosity of unconditional love they were given by their parents….

To be honest Affro…..it’s the most unhealthy thing in my life….

But because I know it can never be put right or resolved, I try and kid myself that it doesn’t bother me to the extent it does….!. its a pure hate and one for which I will never offer forgiveness even if they begged for it on their deathbed....(which I'm sure they wouldn't anyway) "
Soxy, what is incredibly healthy about it though is the fact you are completely aware of its negative effect and that is by definition a starting point to reduce it to something less "big"in your life.

I remember a close family member who passed away with an undying hatred/ disregard for somebody he once loved - and the person who suffered in this the most was the person who did the hating. Sorry dont mean to be preaching xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Years ago directors of a firm I worked for did a maxwell with staff pensions before maxwells did i lost approx ten grand one person who was close to retiring kilked themself. Company went bust I find out where they now work and to this day let employers etc know what they did.

In this instance yes I hold a grudge.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"They say the person most hurt by hatred is the person doing the hating……

But I do hold a healthy contempt for a close family member who I feel betrayed the generosity of unconditional love they were given by their parents….

To be honest Affro…..it’s the most unhealthy thing in my life….

But because I know it can never be put right or resolved, I try and kid myself that it doesn’t bother me to the extent it does….!. its a pure hate and one for which I will never offer forgiveness even if they begged for it on their deathbed....(which I'm sure they wouldn't anyway) Soxy, what is incredibly healthy about it though is the fact you are completely aware of its negative effect and that is by definition a starting point to reduce it to something less "big"in your life.

For me it’s not a case of trying to rise above it or trying to unpack the bagggae, I’m fully acceptant of it and I don’t spend time dwelling on it….

But I’m aware its there in the background and always will be…

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I forgive and forget once the situation has been rectified but that doesn't mean the outcome is any different

how can you rectify someone who has upset you? and caused hurt?

Thats the difference between children and adults. As adults we learn to reflect on situations, and, as adults we should not bear grudges but adopt a mature approach to things, accept when things go wrong and stop blaming other people.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

My old vicar used to say that you have never truly forgiven until you can forget. That doesn't mean you don't learn the lesson but you never bring up the issue again. The facts are there but you forget the emotion of hurt.

I spend a lot of time forgiving but remain hurt because the forgetting is so very hard to do. That is what I now work on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My old vicar used to say that you have never truly forgiven until you can forget. That doesn't mean you don't learn the lesson but you never bring up the issue again. The facts are there but you forget the emotion of hurt.

I spend a lot of time forgiving but remain hurt because the forgetting is so very hard to do. That is what I now work on."

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By *aris23Woman
over a year ago

France

I don't really bear grudges as such, however if anyone really crosses me they are cut out of my life forever. My father is one of those - I don't hate him, but will never forgive what he did and will only be glad when he dies. It is impossible to completely forget but compartmentalising bad memories is possible. Ex partners are practically forgotten - never had a lasting impact...lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Depends on the wrong, some wrongs are beyond control, and cant be helped, others are very much in anothers hand...

s xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hugs...you never forget tho

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"I don't really bear grudges as such, however if anyone really crosses me they are cut out of my life forever. My father is one of those - I don't hate him, but will never forgive what he did and will only be glad when he dies. It is impossible to completely forget but compartmentalising bad memories is possible. Ex partners are practically forgotten - never had a lasting impact...lol "
I think you havea very valid point about compartmentalising some things in life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For me it all depends onwho the person in, what the person has done.

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