FabSwingers.com forum: Listen up...

By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

I was talking to a friend last night about the art of listening. The frustration of not really being heard (not me, them!). The communication thread also nudged me to this thread.

So, do you think you're a good listener? If someone talks to you, are you thinking about solutions or listening to what they're saying? What does a good listener look like to you?

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By *r MistyMan
over a year ago

Braintree

I don't think I'm great, my mind always seems too busy, but I suppose I can be, if it's important.

I have a close friend who is great listener, not only does she take in everything you say, she won't react, at all, until you're done.

It's an amazing skill I wish I had x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Listen to understand, not to respond.

I try to live by this.

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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry

Solutions or listening, why not just say male or female. No, honestly I don't think I'm a good listener, I try but I don't zone out but I could be better at being empathetic. Typical solutions driven person.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's a difference between hearing and listening. One cannot listen with a phone infront of their eyes. But they can hear.

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By *edeWoman
over a year ago

the abyss

I hope I'm a good listener but I guess only friends could say if I am or not.

I will offer my input if it is wanted but I put the proviso that it is not my life and they have to be true to themselves. Opinions can be helpful to give another prospective but it should never be given as the only course of action suitable.

To me a good listener is someone who 'actively listens', where you can tell you are being heard. To be listened to without judgement of feelings or emotions

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

It depends who's talking. Some people just want to be heard all the damn time. Should you have the temerity to ask them to listen they'll hear just enough to respond with "that happened to me but was much worse/went on for longer/cost way more'

I'm also inclined to listen properly to people I like.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Travelling

If I'm not distracted or occupied by something else. Yes I am.

While it's not directly related to the type of listening you mean. I will always stand behind this quote.

"the smartest person in a conversation is the one that listens"

The ability for empathy plays it's part too. Hearing somebody and listening are two different things.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

"Listen to understand, not to respond.

I try to live by this. "

Stephen Covey ! First seek to understand , then be understood.

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

Dot just be thinking about what you're gonna say next. I'm crap at small talk so I think I'm a good listener as I'm not just waiting for them to stop so I can talk.

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By *heekyDemandCouple
over a year ago

Leicester

Meli, we have heard your voice, it is gorgeous. I would listen to every word like it was Morgan Freeman narrating the World Cup final.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

I think the majority think they're good listener's. And broadly I think most are. But I think there is a difference between listening and taking on board what the other person is saying. And consequently trying to understand their viewpoint even if you don't agree with if. I find people who try to understand are more rare than those who listen.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

I would put myself as pretty good. I'm good at not being judgemental too so that opens people up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was always taught.

You have 2 ears and 1 mouth and that is the ratio with which they should be used. Always worked well for me.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Travelling

[Removed by poster at 25/07/23 11:14:50]

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Travelling

"Meli, we have heard your voice, it is gorgeous. I would listen to every word like it was Morgan Freeman narrating the World Cup final. "

While I agree. That is down to voice, not what she would have to say which when it comes down to it can be quite a disrespectful thing. It's not the person you are listening and hearing, just their voice. And in the case of the example, as much as we all go on about it, Meli is so much more than just her voice.

It's on par with objectification when you think about it. And I've never really thought about it like that until now!

revelation!

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I think the majority think they're good listener's. And broadly I think most are. But I think there is a difference between listening and taking on board what the other person is saying. And consequently trying to understand their viewpoint even if you don't agree with if. I find people who try to understand are more rare than those who listen. "

I agree. I also think that comprehension of the written word is pretty poor too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am a very good listener even when it looks like I am not listening I truly am listening

But it varies depending on the person

For instance I was in the company off someone that means a lot to me I have a lot off time for them

And was head down in my phone playing games as the conversation didn’t really have me in it

But she mentioned a book she was looking forward to coming out

So for Easter I got her the book she very very surprised that I got her it as because it looked as if I wasn’t even in the conversation but unknownly to her

Even though I had my head buried in my phone I was still listening to her ever word

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"I don't think I'm great, my mind always seems too busy, but I suppose I can be, if it's important.

I have a close friend who is great listener, not only does she take in everything you say, she won't react, at all, until you're done.

It's an amazing skill I wish I had x"

Busy minds can make it a bit harder to listen can't they?

Oh your friend sounds fantastic! It's a skill I think you can develop but yes, I have a friend who... listens. Actively. He'll give me space to talk. Understand what I'm saying, even if I can't always find the adequate words. I told him last night I love him. I do. And his listening skills are one of the many reasons why.

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

I agree with Frida

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Meli, we have heard your voice, it is gorgeous. I would listen to every word like it was Morgan Freeman narrating the World Cup final.

It's on par with objectification when you think about it. And I've never really thought about it like that until now!

revelation! "

And I agree with K

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Listening solely to reply is not being a good listener. If your spending the time thinking of what to say back instead of really focusing on what they're trying to communicate is not listening.

Active listening is a skill I find that not many possess.

I think shutting up and listening to what they're actually trying to say, echoing back what they've said to make sure you understand in appropriate places and looking interested are all good communication skills. The echoing back part is important because in my experience people change the words used to fit their own narrative. Hence misunderstanding can come into play.

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"Listen to understand, not to respond.

I try to live by this. "

Oh that's a good sentiment to live by. I know sometimes I'm guilty of responding instinctively rather than taking a step back and listening to what they're actually saying. And understanding it from that because it's so important. It's something I'm working on and improving on. Slowly sometimes.

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By *apidaryMan
over a year ago

Chipping Norton

"To me a good listener is someone who 'actively listens', where you can tell you are being heard. To be listened to without judgement of feelings or emotions

Agree with Cede that being listened to means being understood, and that implies a response, even if it's sometimes not verbal.

But I think the judgement is essential. We use the word as a pejorative, as though it's always accusatory and mean and finding fault. But using your judgement doesn't mean being persecutory or tormenting. Being understood entails opening ourselves up to someone judging us - and if they listen well then we trust they will judge us generously and imaginatively and thoughtfully. When someone understands us in this way we feel listened to, and understand ourselves a bit better.

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"Solutions or listening, why not just say male or female. No, honestly I don't think I'm a good listener, I try but I don't zone out but I could be better at being empathetic. Typical solutions driven person."

Because I don't see it as male/female so why would I type that?

There's nothing wrong with being solutions driven - different people have different ways of listening and communicating. If you're talking to someone you're compatible with, brilliant.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Listen to understand, not to respond.

I try to live by this.

Stephen Covey ! First seek to understand , then be understood. "

Yes! I was given the 7 habits book years ago and it stuck.

I also hold a counselling qualification too though and active listening is a huge part of that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have ADHD, I switch off super quickly. Wife has had to adapt her communication to keep me on track. And I have had to try stay focused.

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"It depends who's talking. Some people just want to be heard all the damn time. Should you have the temerity to ask them to listen they'll hear just enough to respond with "that happened to me but was much worse/went on for longer/cost way more'

I'm also inclined to listen properly to people I like.

Ah that's an interesting point. I think we're, on the whole, far more likely to listen properly to someone you like.

As far as people responding in the aforementioned way - I'm not going to judge them too harshly. I have a few neurodiverse friends who do that (well similar to it!), not because they haven't listened properly but because it's a way of showing they understand and are trying to bond with you through shared experience.

If it's an elevenrifer though? Fuck that.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

"Listen to understand, not to respond.

I try to live by this.

Stephen Covey ! First seek to understand , then be understood.

Yes! I was given the 7 habits book years ago and it stuck.

I also hold a counselling qualification too though and active listening is a huge part of that. "

I used to run the marriage course ! Empathic listening - shut up, listen , playback … . “so dear what I’m hearing is you think I’m a cunt and a knob head, is that about right, have I missed anything….”

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

If I can be bothered.

I'm often told by my son I don't listen, when he gives me a list of things I have to do, or have done wrong and need to correct.

I'm often enthralled by peoples' tales of their adventures.

I'll be totally focused if someone needs to talk something out.

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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry

Because I don't see it as male/female so why would I type that?

There's nothing wrong with being solutions driven - different people have different ways of listening and communicating. If you're talking to someone you're compatible with, brilliant."

You've never seen it's not about the nail video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

I do think it is different for men and women. I think most men go through life not expecting to be listened to. My shit is mine to deal with.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I'm also inclined to listen properly to people I like.

Ah that's an interesting point. I think we're, on the whole, far more likely to listen properly to someone you like.

If it's an elevenrifer though? Fuck that.

I often respond by saying things like "I understand what you're saying because similar happened to me" but I hope I don't then move the focus away from the person who needs to talk it out so the conversation ends up being about me rather than them.

Is that a trait of neurodiversity?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

And yeah, elevenerifers can do one

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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry

I'm also inclined to listen properly to people I like.

Ah that's an interesting point. I think we're, on the whole, far more likely to listen properly to someone you like.

If it's an elevenrifer though? Fuck that.

Is that a trait of neurodiversity? "

That sounds like empathy from here

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By *ris GrayMan
over a year ago

Dorchester

"I was talking to a friend last night about the art of listening. The frustration of not really being heard (not me, them!). The communication thread also nudged me to this thread.

So, do you think you're a good listener? If someone talks to you, are you thinking about solutions or listening to what they're saying? What does a good listener look like to you?"
Depends if you're looking for somebody just to listen to your problem then offer advice on it or just somebody to listen and stay stoom

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"If I'm not distracted or occupied by something else. Yes I am.

While it's not directly related to the type of listening you mean. I will always stand behind this quote.

"the smartest person in a conversation is the one that listens"

The ability for empathy plays it's part too. Hearing somebody and listening are two different things."

I think the quote is applicable Katie, don't worry.

Hearing and listening are two very different things. Sometimes I want to say to people "you've heard me but you've not actually listened" but then I think screw it and go and put my energy elsewhere.

I think there's a lot of emphasis placed on how we are at communicating our needs, our wants, you know, rather self focused without thinking about our interactions with others being more than how we feel. It's about how receptive we are to listening, how often we do. I'm not going to waffle on though!

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

I'm also inclined to listen properly to people I like.

Ah that's an interesting point. I think we're, on the whole, far more likely to listen properly to someone you like.

If it's an elevenrifer though? Fuck that.

Is that a trait of neurodiversity? "

I think often we worry about how to respond when we really don’t need to. That’s when you listen. This is quite dark but I’m good around people who suffered bereavement , when others in the office feel awkward and don’t know what to say. I had someone stay recent who lost a child, a niece from cancer aged just 4 and spent 3-4 days just listening. I don’t understand at all and had no answers really and she liked that !

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By *aucasian GhandiMan
over a year ago

from my dad's left nut (Warwick)

"I was talking to a friend last night about the art of listening. The frustration of not really being heard (not me, them!). The communication thread also nudged me to this thread.

So, do you think you're a good listener? If someone talks to you, are you thinking about solutions or listening to what they're saying? What does a good listener look like to you?"

Active listening, isint about thinking about solutions as their talking, if that's going on then your not in the moment with them.

A good listener, will have the ability to paraphrase and sumerise as the person is talking, picking up on relevant bits, whereby maybe a open ended question should ne interjected, to delve a bit deeper into what there saying

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By *lay 4 your plessureMan
over a year ago

Wigan

I'm told I'm a good listener. I'm the one people tend to turn to when they need to get something off there chest or the shoulder to cry on when someone needs it. I don't particularly come up with solutions to their problems, but I do tend to be able to help them come to terms with there problems. One thing I'm told a lot is that I always know how to make someone feel better and that I always know how to say the right things. I'd put it down to me being extremely empathetic, I may be a good listener and be able to help people by listening and talking things through, but I also find myself psychically and mentally drained in doing so, even so, it's a small price to pay to help someone out when they need it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I listen more than I talk*.

And it depends on the situation. Sometimes people just want to vent and aren't looking for solutions, so it's better to try and establish that first.

*unless I'm d*unk

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thread kill number 3753.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m an active listener when at work/with friends and will actively engage in the conversation to prove I’m listening and communicating rather than hearing and responding.

At home, my hearings selective haha

Mrs

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By *enrietteandSamCouple
over a year ago

Staffordshire

I don’t have much choice with my friend circles.

They all seem to be very talky…

It’s either listen or get new friends

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By *eedsLocal2040Man
over a year ago

Leeds

I wouldn’t say I’m great, eventually I’ll start thinking about something else I need to be doing.

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"I don’t have much choice with my friend circles.

They all seem to be very talky…

It’s either listen or get new friends

I'm going to assume I'm not in the aforementioned friend circle seeing as I'm really not talky at all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So I didn't really read the thread or posts too much cause who really has the time but yeah, why listen, wait for your gap and talk at them.

Conversations are a fight basically, talk over them, subdue them, win. Listening is for losers.

Or summat.

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By *ecadent_DevonMan
over a year ago

Okehampton

Can’t be bummed to read all the responses has anyone said “sorry lovely what were you saying? I was looking at your tits” yet?

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By *mf123Man
over a year ago

with one foot out the door

Did someone say something?

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"Can’t be bummed to read all the responses has anyone said “sorry lovely what were you saying? I was looking at your tits” yet? "

No they didn't Decadent. And I'm very disappointed. Thank you for rectifying that though.

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