FabSwingers.com mobile

Join us FREE, we're FREE to use

Web's largest swingers site since 2006.

Already registered?
Login here

Back to forum list
Back to The Lounge

Supporting another’s confidence

Jump to newest
 

By *stella OP   Woman
over a year ago

London

I have a friend who has really low self esteem, tantamount hates everything about himself. I adore him, he’s wonderful in many different ways but when I share my perception of him with him he just calls me his hypewoman, and doesn’t believe that what I say has an ounce of truth. It makes me sad how his inner voice tears him down so, but there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to help change the way he sees himself.

Have you experienced this? How can we support our friends or loved ones build a more positive self image? How does one build self esteem in your opinion?

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’d say get him out into new and different places and situations, dealing with different people. He needs to see a positive response from others, you can support him with that.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry


"I have a friend who has really low self esteem, tantamount hates everything about himself. I adore him, he’s wonderful in many different ways but when I share my perception of him with him he just calls me his hypewoman, and doesn’t believe that what I say has an ounce of truth. It makes me sad how his inner voice tears him down so, but there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to help change the way he sees himself.

Have you experienced this? How can we support our friends or loved ones build a more positive self image? How does one build self esteem in your opinion?

"

You can't change anyone else and no one can change you. That sort of change has to be generated from within. Yeah, you can tell what you see but how can you get them to believe it.

I think we can destroy someone else but we have to build ourselves up.

I think the best we can do is motivate and encourage someone but ultimately it's on the individual to say to themselves, I'm ok.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

Keep telling him - it does eventually start to drop through.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It’s incredibly hard. I have an emphatic streak and find I can carry other peoples emotions

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Think you have to validate how he feels, sometimes with good intent, we dismiss peoples feelings in trying to make them see what we see. Aknowledge you understand how he feels and then once hes comfortable with that, start gently challenging his thoughts with him

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *riar BelisseWoman
over a year ago

Delightful Bliss

Depends what the root cause is of it, some people don't want to change

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pickle hypes me up.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *arlequin_tearsMan
over a year ago

Sheffield


"Have you experienced this? How can we support our friends or loved ones build a more positive self image? How does one build self esteem in your opinion?"

Yes, but I have severe and chronic depression. Plus the world is a mean place.

This sort of thing often has its roots in childhood trauma. Sounds like your friend needs therapy. But having a good and supportive friend is a damn good start.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *stella OP   Woman
over a year ago

London


"Pickle hypes me up."

Pickle is non stop hype.

And you’re worth the hype.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ilsaGeorgeCouple
over a year ago

kent

Low self esteem is hard to overcome, and as the poster above says, it’s not something that others can fix. You can however encourage your friend to pursue activities that build self-esteem. Exercise is a good one, especially if it allows for obvious progression. Something like a martial art is excellent, because regular gradings help you see obvious improvement. And it builds confidence and fitness which all help improve self esteem. So my advice would be to encourage activities that will help, maybe even do something yourself and ask your friend to come and support you - best way to get someone to do something. Not sure if this helps, but good luck! Xx

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *oodsman1000Man
over a year ago

Hereford


"Pickle hypes me up."

And me, but what would we do without him

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *r.SJMan
over a year ago

Wellingborough


"Think you have to validate how he feels, sometimes with good intent, we dismiss peoples feelings in trying to make them see what we see. Aknowledge you understand how he feels and then once hes comfortable with that, start gently challenging his thoughts with him "

Best advise so far

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some people just can't see themselves as others do, I know from experience.

Keep saying it and hopefully eventually they may accept

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bum him.

Then get him to list all of his perceived unattractive qualities and challenge them. Do it loads. Brain train him. Make. Him. See.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

Confidence comes by doing the things and being the person that aligns with your values, over time makes you proud of yourself. But that takes courage and risk of failure.

Like with children , praise what they do, not what they look like or for being naturally talented. Don’t say you’re smart or pretty say you made a great effort or you were brave to have that difficult conversation etc.

It does work but much harder with adults who’ve often spent years believing their value is based on their appearance or natural talent.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *stella OP   Woman
over a year ago

London


"I’d say get him out into new and different places and situations, dealing with different people. He needs to see a positive response from others, you can support him with that. "

He’s actually got a full work and social life and is receiving positive feedback from others, just resolutely disbelieves it. He’s not a down/depressed outward showing person, in fact he’s oft the life and soul of the party. It’s as one of his best friends he’s been honest with me about how he really feels about himself.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *stella OP   Woman
over a year ago

London


"Think you have to validate how he feels, sometimes with good intent, we dismiss peoples feelings in trying to make them see what we see. Aknowledge you understand how he feels and then once hes comfortable with that, start gently challenging his thoughts with him "

I wholeheartedly agree. I ensure I don’t negate his views, just present mine as mine (but he negates them!) and I’ve spent time and will continue to do so listening to how and why he feels the way he does.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

I think I'd find it exhausting and difficult to maintain such a friendship

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry


"I’d say get him out into new and different places and situations, dealing with different people. He needs to see a positive response from others, you can support him with that.

He’s actually got a full work and social life and is receiving positive feedback from others, just resolutely disbelieves it. He’s not a down/depressed outward showing person, in fact he’s oft the life and soul of the party. It’s as one of his best friends he’s been honest with me about how he rally feels about himself. "

It's sort of thing you'd really want to know why they are like this.

Was there a particular event or an unhealthy childhood? Or any other multitude of reasons

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *stella OP   Woman
over a year ago

London


"Have you experienced this? How can we support our friends or loved ones build a more positive self image? How does one build self esteem in your opinion?

Yes, but I have severe and chronic depression. Plus the world is a mean place.

This sort of thing often has its roots in childhood trauma. Sounds like your friend needs therapy. But having a good and supportive friend is a damn good start."

This makes sense. My work and his involves a lot of trauma informed work so we’re pretty aware where some of his views stem from, but I do feel it would take dedicated work for him to work it through, and I just don’t think he thinks he’s worth bothering doing the work for.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *enrietteandSamCouple
over a year ago

Staffordshire

Wish I had the answers.

It’s not an uncommon thing for this generation and it’s very difficult to understand.

I have lots of experience with it and all you can do is keep reaffirming your perceptions

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *stella OP   Woman
over a year ago

London


"Low self esteem is hard to overcome, and as the poster above says, it’s not something that others can fix. You can however encourage your friend to pursue activities that build self-esteem. Exercise is a good one, especially if it allows for obvious progression. Something like a martial art is excellent, because regular gradings help you see obvious improvement. And it builds confidence and fitness which all help improve self esteem. So my advice would be to encourage activities that will help, maybe even do something yourself and ask your friend to come and support you - best way to get someone to do something. Not sure if this helps, but good luck! Xx"

He’s always been exceptionally sporty, still is but it’s impeded by a significant knee injury and I think that’s taken its toll.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *stella OP   Woman
over a year ago

London


"Confidence comes by doing the things and being the person that aligns with your values, over time makes you proud of yourself. But that takes courage and risk of failure.

Like with children , praise what they do, not what they look like or for being naturally talented. Don’t say you’re smart or pretty say you made a great effort or you were brave to have that difficult conversation etc.

It does work but much harder with adults who’ve often spent years believing their value is based on their appearance or natural talent.

"

I really like this approach. Yeah perhaps I’m focused too much on who he is not what he does in my feedback.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *stella OP   Woman
over a year ago

London


"I think I'd find it exhausting and difficult to maintain such a friendship "

Oh no, he’s a delight to be with. Not morose or draining. It’s just when we have a really in depth chat about how he views himself he’s shared a really bleak outlook on himself which is really sad.

But he is fun and hilarious and everyone adores him day to day.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *urvelover87Man
over a year ago

stevenage


"

Have you experienced this? How can we support our friends or loved ones build a more positive self image? How does one build self esteem in your opinion?

"

I struggled with this same mindset for ages, still do for some aspects. Therapy and time helped a lot.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *stella OP   Woman
over a year ago

London


"I’d say get him out into new and different places and situations, dealing with different people. He needs to see a positive response from others, you can support him with that.

He’s actually got a full work and social life and is receiving positive feedback from others, just resolutely disbelieves it. He’s not a down/depressed outward showing person, in fact he’s oft the life and soul of the party. It’s as one of his best friends he’s been honest with me about how he rally feels about himself.

It's sort of thing you'd really want to know why they are like this.

Was there a particular event or an unhealthy childhood? Or any other multitude of reasons"

Yeah, definitely childhood trauma.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *edeWoman
over a year ago

the abyss

Unfortunately I identify with your friend. It can be really uncomfortable when people are saying lovely things about you but you are not 'feeling it'. It's not that I think people are particularly lying - I just don't understand there opinion and tend to just try and ignore that and change the conversation.

But then I know I am probably also the hype person for other people in the sense that its so easy to see the wonderful person someone is but so often just as difficult to see it in ourselves. I guess that is why the saying of 'talk to yourself as you would a friend' is so true. Doesn't make it any easier to believe though

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *r.SJMan
over a year ago

Wellingborough


"Unfortunately I identify with your friend. It can be really uncomfortable when people are saying lovely things about you but you are not 'feeling it'. It's not that I think people are particularly lying - I just don't understand there opinion and tend to just try and ignore that and change the conversation.

But then I know I am probably also the hype person for other people in the sense that its so easy to see the wonderful person someone is but so often just as difficult to see it in ourselves. I guess that is why the saying of 'talk to yourself as you would a friend' is so true. Doesn't make it any easier to believe though "

This

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think I'd find it exhausting and difficult to maintain such a friendship

Oh no, he’s a delight to be with. Not morose or draining. It’s just when we have a really in depth chat about how he views himself he’s shared a really bleak outlook on himself which is really sad.

But he is fun and hilarious and everyone adores him day to day. "

It means he trusts you implicitly.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *arlequin_tearsMan
over a year ago

Sheffield


"Oh no, he’s a delight to be with. Not morose or draining. It’s just when we have a really in depth chat about how he views himself he’s shared a really bleak outlook on himself which is really sad.

But he is fun and hilarious and everyone adores him day to day. "

Speaking from the POV of someone with depression.

Your friend is either REALLY modest or could well be suffering in private.

Hopefully, they're okay and just have a tough time with compliments. If not keep a watchful eye.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

I met a younger man years ago, from a dating site, and spent the night with him.

He had a great job, with lots of responsibility that tool him around the world.

In the morning he said he felt empowered by me.

He had no confidence with women apparently and I gave him some just by having great sex with him.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *orl1971Couple
over a year ago

Glasgow

I (Mr) can relate to this. Never, ever felt attractive. Lots of rejection when I was a teenager/early twenties from women so was pretty shy and geeky. No real self confidence with women when younger but super confident in lots of other ways .

Unfortunately you can’t help how you feel about yourself. Think a lot of guys are like this. It gets better as you get older as all the good looking boys get uglier too so the gap lessens

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you don't feel good about yourself or parts of yourself, words of others do very little to change that.

It starts from within as hard and as alien as that may seem.

I detest my body (despite being able to post photos etc) I hate what I see when I look in the mirror and I'm incredibly self conscious.

I over think, and my anxiety often surfaces in the form of some confidence crisis.

I rarely feel worthy of some of the compliments I get and of some of the people in my life.

Logical me knows that's nonsense, it knows that my friends have no agenda or anything to gain by building me up.

People I care about and truly value the opinions of say nice things all the time but turning off and undoing all the years of negative self talk is so difficult.

One thing that does help a little is the sleep meditations designed to boost self esteem and quiet the inner critic. I listen to them most nights.

They aren't for everyone and it's by no means a miracle cure.

The other is NLP. The process of reframing our thoughts. Imagining how it would feel if I was more confident, if I didn't always doubt myself, how would it feel to not hate my body. Then I try on those new thoughts and over time you can start to retrain your thinking. This is obviously a very simplified explanation. It's not easy but there are lots of really useful techniques out there that I could send you if you want a starting point.

I get that to some NLP or sleep meditations might seem like nonsense but our minds are such incredible machines. It can be worth a try

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm another of those with Low (No) Self-esteem..

But I see fab (meets/socials) as a way of trying to make myself see that (maybe) there are others out there who appreciate me for the bits I have no confidence about (my Mind is ok and sense of humour is warped so that's no issue) it's Body confidence and anxiety that cripples me

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think I'd find it exhausting and difficult to maintain such a friendship

Oh no, he’s a delight to be with. Not morose or draining. It’s just when we have a really in depth chat about how he views himself he’s shared a really bleak outlook on himself which is really sad.

But he is fun and hilarious and everyone adores him day to day. "

Maybe just be there for him. Listen but don't try to change him.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Oh no, he’s a delight to be with. Not morose or draining. It’s just when we have a really in depth chat about how he views himself he’s shared a really bleak outlook on himself which is really sad.

But he is fun and hilarious and everyone adores him day to day.

Speaking from the POV of someone with depression.

Your friend is either REALLY modest or could well be suffering in private.

Hopefully, they're okay and just have a tough time with compliments. If not keep a watchful eye. "

xx

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 
 

By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds


"Unfortunately I identify with your friend. It can be really uncomfortable when people are saying lovely things about you but you are not 'feeling it'. It's not that I think people are particularly lying - I just don't understand there opinion and tend to just try and ignore that and change the conversation.

But then I know I am probably also the hype person for other people in the sense that its so easy to see the wonderful person someone is but so often just as difficult to see it in ourselves. I guess that is why the saying of 'talk to yourself as you would a friend' is so true. Doesn't make it any easier to believe though "

Exactly this, completely relatable.

OP Could your friend be suffering imposter syndrome at all?

Mrs

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
Post new Message to Thread
back to top