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4 Years On - Heavy Read

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Recently on another site someone asked what I considered my greatest achievement. I honestly but slightly sarcastically answered the fact that I am still alive.

Four years ago I was getting ready for a friend's birthday party when all of a sudden my demons struck. Out of the blue I had the notion that after thinking about it for so long that I should finally stop thinking and take action. A few minutes later I did something that could have led to me not being here. Fortunately I snapped out of it, mainly because I did not want my friend to have such a memory for their birthday. I went to the party and no one was the wiser, though I did confide in my friend a few weeks later.

The day after was my last free Cbt session and I was in two minds as to whether or not to say any thing as I was afraid I would not be believed. I did mention it and they referred me back to my GP and mentioned medication. The GP decided that was not necessary as my thoughts were quite random and also had the concern that medication would give me the courage to try again. They referred me onwards for help but the new place decided I didn't need their help.

Four years on I still regularly have the thoughts, often fleeting but sometimes for longer. I have tried therapy which gave me a better understanding of why I feel like I do but not how to change my mind about my future. Now and then I have bad crises, like I did about a month ago. Thankfully friends and a few on here got me through. The thought of the affect on family and friends is one of the main things that stops me though I still think they would be better off without me.

I have a routine to try and get me through the days and I know sometimes because of that routine people don't think there is anything wrong with me. I know there are people worse off and sometimes it stops me looking for help as I feel the limited resources are needed more elsewhere.

My abiding thought is I am not sure if I have done much or achieved much in the four years to warrant still being here but maybe one day this anniversary will be one for looking forward rather than looking back.

Until then it's step by step and day by day

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By *ittlebirdWoman
over a year ago

The Big Smoke

Do you know what you’ve done OP? You’ve got up everyday and lived.

That is enough. You are enough. Always

Just keep on swimming

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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

I have a lot of respect for you for sharing that with us, I’m sure it was difficult for you to write and required a lot of courage to post. There may be one person, or more likely a few people, who are experiencing the same thoughts and feelings as you who will read that and get comfort from knowing they’re not the only person going through it. I know from personal experience that when you’re struggling with mental health issues it can feel like a very lonely world and you feel like you’re suffering on your own so knowing there is someone who understands how you feel is a big help. I hope you don’t feel alone, it’s very easy to think that everyone’s life is perfect and everyone’s happy because that’s the image people portray on social media and when you don’t have a perfect life or feel happy thinking that everyone else does makes matters worse, believe me, no one portrays their real life on social media and the ones who give the impression of having a perfect life are probably unhappier than anyone else.

You can’t change the past and dwelling on it won’t make your future any better, in fact it will most likely make it worse. There is nothing to gain from having regrets so try to focus more on now rather than then. Only a small percentage of people ever achieve anything especially great in their lives, we’re not expected to achieve anything great, there’s no one putting any pressure on you to achieve anything great other than yourself. Just being a kind and considerate person is an achievement to be proud of, making someone smile means you’ve had a positive impact on someone’s life, being a part of loved ones lives so they don’t feel alone gives your life incredible value.

Most of us will leave this planet without achieving a great deal, very few people will be remembered by generations to come and that’s fine, as long as we don’t spend our life hurting others and making other peoples lives miserable then we have achieved everything we need to….it’s a cliche and it’s easier said than done but life is short and not a dress rehearsal so you might as well make the most of it while you can. I used to worry about everything and get stressed and upset continuously until I taught myself to distinguish between the things that really matter and are worth worrying about and the things that don’t. Whenever i feel myself getting upset or stressed now i think to myself ‘does it really matter’….most of the time the answer is no it doesn’t.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have the mental and physical scars of being in that place.

The best thing I can ever tell you is that it is beatable!

Inbox is there if you ever need it.

Jay

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By *.L.0460.Woman
over a year ago

Bognor Regis


"Recently on another site someone asked what I considered my greatest achievement. I honestly but slightly sarcastically answered the fact that I am still alive.

Four years ago I was getting ready for a friend's birthday party when all of a sudden my demons struck. Out of the blue I had the notion that after thinking about it for so long that I should finally stop thinking and take action. A few minutes later I did something that could have led to me not being here. Fortunately I snapped out of it, mainly because I did not want my friend to have such a memory for their birthday. I went to the party and no one was the wiser, though I did confide in my friend a few weeks later.

The day after was my last free Cbt session and I was in two minds as to whether or not to say any thing as I was afraid I would not be believed. I did mention it and they referred me back to my GP and mentioned medication. The GP decided that was not necessary as my thoughts were quite random and also had the concern that medication would give me the courage to try again. They referred me onwards for help but the new place decided I didn't need their help.

Four years on I still regularly have the thoughts, often fleeting but sometimes for longer. I have tried therapy which gave me a better understanding of why I feel like I do but not how to change my mind about my future. Now and then I have bad crises, like I did about a month ago. Thankfully friends and a few on here got me through. The thought of the affect on family and friends is one of the main things that stops me though I still think they would be better off without me.

I have a routine to try and get me through the days and I know sometimes because of that routine people don't think there is anything wrong with me. I know there are people worse off and sometimes it stops me looking for help as I feel the limited resources are needed more elsewhere.

My abiding thought is I am not sure if I have done much or achieved much in the four years to warrant still being here but maybe one day this anniversary will be one for looking forward rather than looking back.

Until then it's step by step and day by day "

Omg, it's so scary how our minds can decide to sabotage us like this. You have my absolute admiration- you are amazing for pushing through this & having the strength to talk about it.

Bravo x

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By *hrimper36Couple
over a year ago

Central France dept 36

Kudos op.

If a new day arrives then grasp it and enjoy it and live your best life.

I was like you for many years but now I don’t allow such thoughts space in my head and I’m happy.

To be fair my wife leaving me did help a lot.

T

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By *cotty_01ukMan
over a year ago

birmingham

Alot of respect to share that keep your head held high and look forward to the future

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Huge Salute to you OP ..a HUGE SALUTE ..

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

Much respect to u op! One day at a time! Xxx

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