FabSwingers.com forum: Do you deserve to be happy. Can you demand it?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I can’t be alone feeling that when things start to feel good, or you start to feel happy or even start to live in an illusion of peace, you’re afraid of it come crashing down. How do you take a step towards uncertainty and live a new life?

I also sometimes think, when it does turn to shit, I’m the one ruining things around me on purpose because I don’t deserve to smile at the things I have.

Anyone else?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thing we all feel that if we are honest

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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry

Self sabotage and fear of winning/success used to be me. I get where you're coming from. Sometimes you have to allow yourself the chance of success.

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By *TG3Man
over a year ago

Dorchester

I'm sorry but I'm always happy nothing interferes with it even all the negative crap that affects us all

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By *ilsaGeorgeCouple
over a year ago

kent

I don’t know about deserving to be happy - I guess that depends on what kind of person you are - but I think we all have the capacity to be happy. I guess it depends on your expectations and the manner in which you define value in your life. It’s not one thing or another, it’s all things weighed together and considered holistically. I also don’t believe that happiness is a continuous state… we can’t be happy all the time. On the sliding scale of emotions, happiness is at almost the extreme end (perhaps second only to euphoric). If you can find contentment in the middle of the scale for the most part, then those peaks of happiness are easier to reach.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I came to the conclusion a long time ago that happiness is overrated. As you say, it inevitably comes crashing down around you anyway.

I prefer just to survive these days. I'll leave the happiness for the young 'uns.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Agree some people who come across over smiley happy are often the most superficial .No depth of feeling

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By *edeWoman
over a year ago

the abyss

This is difficult as I am very guilty of feeling like this. Self sabotage is a bitch that lives inside my head along with compassion another thief of joy!

But I also know that so many wonderful people have come into my life or events have happened because I had that moment of letting go of all the doubt and just existing in the happy moment. Although there is still that niggle saying it won't last, I just tell myself to enjoy the now. Otherwise I feel like a self fulfilling prophecy causing my own upset and hurt by pushing people away or not going to that event, out of my own fear

Daily battles sometimes

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don’t know about deserving to be happy - I guess that depends on what kind of person you are - but I think we all have the capacity to be happy. I guess it depends on your expectations and the manner in which you define value in your life. It’s not one thing or another, it’s all things weighed together and considered holistically. I also don’t believe that happiness is a continuous state… we can’t be happy all the time. On the sliding scale of emotions, happiness is at almost the extreme end (perhaps second only to euphoric). If you can find contentment in the middle of the scale for the most part, then those peaks of happiness are easier to reach. "

So I should be just ‘meh?’

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By *ellhungvweMan
over a year ago

Cheltenham

"I'm sorry but I'm always happy nothing interferes with it even all the negative crap that affects us all

To be honest I am pretty much in this camp too. Life is too short to worry too much about the bad crap.

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

Here’s a little song I wrote. You might want to sing it note for note…..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We all deserve to be happy, but life is about balance and it's impossible to feel happy all the time.

All emotions have value - if you didn't feel sad when life throws you lemons, then you wouldn't appreciate the nice / happier emotions!

xx Jess

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

"I'm sorry but I'm always happy nothing interferes with it even all the negative crap that affects us all

To be honest I am pretty much in this camp too. Life is too short to worry too much about the bad crap. "

Me too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Everything is temporary.

Learn to enjoy the good times and ride the rough times.

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By *ehindHerEyesCouple
over a year ago

SomewhereOnlyWeKnow

Without wanting to go too deep in this subject but you are right about being scared that things will go wrong so might as well sabotage it now.

But actually that is the fear that we tell ourselves. They actually fear is if things go right. It’s everything turns out well then a part of your identity goes along with it. The part that is waiting for things to go wrong. So we self sabotage to hold on to that aspect of ourselves. All subconsciously of course.

I hope this makes some sense.

Marc

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

Everyone deserves to be happy! I'm generally happy with my lot x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Thing we all feel that if we are honest"

Maybe.

*Big hug to all who do

Narrator- Woody! You can’t, your arms are short.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 03/07/23 18:13:00]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

no.

i live in a constant state of self sabotage, running on fight or flight.

the happy is fleeting. Px

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I often think I deserve it when things go wrong.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh I’m always scared the happiness will be taken away, it’s hard not to when it’s been lost heartbreakingly in the past. But I throw myself into it and enjoy every bloody second - no matter how fleeting, because my god - I deserve every happiness that comes my way, we all do.

Too much of my time has been taken by grief and unhappiness, I need all the happy times now.

It’s hard to switch the mindset - but it’s do able. Big love to you xx

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

Is all ok Woody?

I'm a self sabotager and constant overthinker, trying to change this and I am happy, do I deserve it absolutely I'm a good person!!

If I'd have been asked that question a few years ago my answer would be very different.

Mrs

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

Deserves to be happy... I've always found that a strange saying.

What makes somebody deserve to be happy? It's an emotion that up to a certain point we have some control over.

Some people seem to need and require to be happy, others are "happy" as they are. What makes us happy is different, there are some horrible and vile people that gain their happiness from some horrific ways. What if they live their life doing the right thing but their happiness involves these horrific things?

Me? I make it clear often I like a balance, too much happiness or unpleasant feelings makes me uncomfortable. Maybe in a way I do self sabotage to maintain that balance.

I'm "happy" with being content and at peace than having the pinnacle of happiness.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Everything is temporary.

Learn to enjoy the good times and ride the rough times.

Top advice for us all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If it's to do with women, which knowing you it probably is, approach with caution. A lot of caution.

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By *entlemanrogueMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

"I can’t be alone feeling that when things start to feel good, or you start to feel happy or even start to live in an illusion of peace, you’re afraid of it come crashing down. How do you take a step towards uncertainty and live a new life?

I also sometimes think, when it does turn to shit, I’m the one ruining things around me on purpose because I don’t deserve to smile at the things I have.

Anyone else?

We all have to have highs amd lows, otherwise, whats life? ride the wave, take your tumbles, dont forget "We are all gonna die" so make the most of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man who sail on sea of shit not drink water.

Confucius. 2021.

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By *iscean_dreamMan
over a year ago

Llanelli

I don't trust any happiness to last long before turning to shit (not literally)

Do I deserve happiness, hell yeah I do, I'm one of the most caring, loving and loyal people I know but that's never enough.

Just live in the moment and don't think too far in the future is what I tend to do now.

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By *ansoffateMan
over a year ago

Sagittarius A

100% Woody. In fact it came crashing down yesterday with a phone call first thing in the morning. Being a very painful anniversary for me. And something of this magnitude happens every year on the same day. For the last 4 years.

It's a burden only I can carry and I couldn't respect myself if I dropped it. I have no idea when it will end. And it was none of my creation. I feel like I am cursed sometimes. In fact at one point I believed it. Very dark days for me.

Self-sabotage is real. I know the reasons why I do it like the back of my hand. I help others work through theirs on a daily basis. I get something out of that. I do believe we can be happy, but it's a side-effect of doing something that feels meaningful to us. Unfortunately, the thing that feels meaningful to me is the thing I know I will sabotage. I do it anyway. Maybe one day I will learn, find someone who can deal with my brokenness or something in between.

Till then I'll keep building a house of cards, watch it collapse and go again. Like Sisyphus. Embrace the absurd.

To have a chance of joy, I have to risk some pain. I have very little fear of pain for myself now.

I've been down so god damn long that it looks like up to me!

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By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Wandsworth

It is important to define what you mean by happiness, since people often set themselves up for a fantasy of happiness. Happiness is an emotion, like all emotions, it's not a destination, but rather a moment, often based on memories and events. In the same way, an erection, a feeling of sadness, and a feeling of anger are moments. The key is how do you continue or repeat similar moments? As much as happiness can be presented as a result of experiences, exploration, growth, connections, food, learning new things, creativity etc., all of these things can also cause sadness. Like any relationship, you have to work at happiness to increase your level of it given your surrounding.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I often find when I'm feeling happy someone or something utterly destroys it and that's when I'll get angry and upset and think I'm cursed and give up for a while.

I'm at that point in life now where I think my stories sound like bullshit and made up yet I sit there and think can that many things really happen to one person, and I get told I'm just unlucky. It really easy to feel like I don't deserve to be happy. Really easy.

But all it does is make me more guarded and less likely to interact with people and shut myself away so nothing else can happen.

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By *ilsaGeorgeCouple
over a year ago

kent

So I should be just ‘meh?’ "

No of course not. Happiness is not a sustainable emotion. Nobody can reach a state of perpetual happiness, so striving for it will always lead to some form of disappointment. But achieving a degree of peace and contentment is attainable, and if you can find that, then those moments of happiness are much easier to reach. I’ve no idea if that makes sense.

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By *929Man
over a year ago

bedlington

Like many others here also have always believed anything you hold dear will eventually be taken from you. So far it’s turned out true otherwise wouldn’t be Approaching 40 as a single dad haha

As for deserving to be happy I don’t know, I don’t feel that I don’t deserve to be happy, despite how my eldest sister keeps so eloquently putting “wor johns always had shite so thinks all he deserves is shite” haha

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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry

I don't think we deserve happiness no more than we deserve sadness. But I do think to borrow a phrase from the US, you deserve the right to pursue happiness. Death is the only certainty. But between the day you leave and you go, you have the right to look for happiness.

It took me far too long to realise that I was my own worst enemy, I was the one not allowing myself. Does this let me find happiness? Nope. But I'm prepared to give myself the chance to be, and that's over half the battle.

Life is weird, no one can tell you how to do it right for you other than yourself.

I had to stop kicking shit out of myself, get completely sober and cut some people out of my life. I had to do more besides that but I'm better than I ever was before and yeah I'm happy. Sure there's things I'd like but I'm good.

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By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Wandsworth

A simple I like your suit or dress could change your outlook for the day at that moment, I am very alert at things trying to change my mood early in the morning especially. Compare to a car splashing you with water.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good on you sir

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By *apidaryMan
over a year ago

Chipping Norton

All happiness depends on life treating you better than you deserve. Which is another way of saying that feeling happy comes from feeling that fate (and other people) have been generous to you. Easy to say, not always easy to achieve. But it's plain that events themselves don't make people necessarily happy or unhappy - there are miserable lottery winners and cheerful thankful people in hospices.

Personally, I find that working out what I deserve is a potential route to self-sabotage. Works better when I enjoy what I have, and enjoy my interests (and the pursuit of happiness, as said above). Your mileage may vary.

I liked the comment recently from one of the creators of AI, who was asked whether it was a threat to humanity and what we could do about it. Yes, he said, it was an overwhelming threat; and there's basically nothing we can do about it. So wake up each day and see what you can do to be kind to the people around you and enjoy life. And be kind to yourself, too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only you can be responsible for your own happiness. Its no good looking for it in someone/something else.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What is happiness really? We all have a different view on what does or should make us happy but it's more of an ideology rather than an actual answer. The only way anyone can experience true happiness is if they are completely unaware of what else there is in life. We as humans are always looking for the next big thing, that buzz that will enhance our lives even more without actually taking notes of what we already have. We all think we deserve happiness, it's natural to have an entitled mind because everyone believes they deserve better and that's what makes us strive for more.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Without wanting to go too deep in this subject but you are right about being scared that things will go wrong so might as well sabotage it now.

I hope this makes some sense.

Marc"

I like this explanation. Ive seen this play out a lot I think.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think I allow myself to be happy yes. I dont wait for things to come crashing down, I might think hmmm well there we go if they do, but Im not waiting for it. I think if you have been through the mill a bit but also survived it, then you know the pain from when your 'happiness' ends, but also know that you can get through it, so perhaps this time allow yourself the happy thing and enjoy it. Easy said than done Im sure, but I am usually a positive (if misguided) soul really

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

"Thing we all feel that if we are honest"

No, we don't

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Once you understand that life consists of happy times, sad times and neutral times you'll be better at enjoying the good stuff. Happiness isn't deserved it just happens

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By *ehindHerEyesCouple
over a year ago

SomewhereOnlyWeKnow

I would suggest that anyone that feels this way looks at the fear of success and see if that makes sense

Marc

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

I guess it depends whether it’s rational or not.

Are you a good person ? Then of course you deserve to be happy. Pain & loss is part of life that’s why you buy children hamsters & rabbits not tortoises to trash them about life

But don’t really use the word happy , I prefer to talk about contentment & fulfilment , two different things. Lots of people are content, they aim low, they’re just fidgeting until they die, but very few are truly fulfilled.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Man who sail on sea of shit not drink water.

Confucius. 2021. "

Harsh.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Man who sail on sea of shit not drink water.

Confucius. 2021.

Harsh.

Sorry not meant to be. Having a shit time and think I’ve had a SOH failure (I usually try and joke my way through it when things are getting me down)

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Man who sail on sea of shit not drink water.

Confucius. 2021.

Harsh.

Sorry not meant to be. Having a shit time and think I’ve had a SOH failure (I usually try and joke my way through it when things are getting me down) "

Probably the same. I also find getting angry helps cheer me up. (I know! Odd). I should take up boxing, I’d be awesome on a Friday night.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

"I would suggest that anyone that feels this way looks at the fear of success and see if that makes sense

Marc"

Success is scary though , very scary, but I’ve always thought the alternative - mediocrity - is even scarier !

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By *olly_chromaticTV/TS
over a year ago

Stockport

No. I could have been better. I could have been better to the people that surround me. I could have been better as a human being. I try to take some time for myself around the edges, but I don't really feel that I should.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I would suggest that anyone that feels this way looks at the fear of success and see if that makes sense

Marc

Success is scary though , very scary, but I’ve always thought the alternative - mediocrity - is even scarier ! "

Success isnt always the big flag flying medals and stuff though. Success can be just a simple but well lived mediocre life too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Happiness is a choice.. We choose to be happy... But you have to learn to love yourself too and forgive yourself for your previous transgressions

Hope you are OK Woody xxx

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By *oubleswing2019Man
over a year ago

Colchester

Research Arthur Schopenhauer for advice on "happiness".

For example.

Schopenhauer thought of happiness as the satisfaction of desires. The opposite of happiness—suffering—was caused by hindrance of ‘the will’, through an obstacle placed between it and its temporary goal. The will is the faculty of desire and this hindrance can be called frustration. Schopenhauer’s approach to happiness can be thought of as a form of hedonistic perfectionism. For true happiness we need the complete absence of all pain and the complete satisfaction of all desires.

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By *olly_chromaticTV/TS
over a year ago

Stockport

"No. I could have been better. I could have been better to the people that surround me. I could have been better as a human being. I try to take some time for myself around the edges, but I don't really feel that I should."

Or maybe I'd have done better in life and been happier if I didn't give a shit about anyone else.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

"I would suggest that anyone that feels this way looks at the fear of success and see if that makes sense

Marc

Success is scary though , very scary, but I’ve always thought the alternative - mediocrity - is even scarier !

Success isnt always the big flag flying medals and stuff though. Success can be just a simple but well lived mediocre life too. "

That’s true but any kind of success, loyalty in relationships, parenting etc requires courage to take risks, hard work and sacrifices.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

"Research Arthur Schopenhauer for advice on "happiness".

For example.

Martin selegmans work on authentic happiness superseded all that , he added things like having impact, meaningful relationships and activities that induce flow states

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm literally in that shit moment right now, my whole life and purpose has been ripped away from beneath me, completely blindsided. I'm going through a state of self-sabotage that I can't snap out of

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am happy . No arguments just working together. It's a fantastic feeling.

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

I also sometimes think, when it does turn to shit, I’m the one ruining things around me on purpose because I don’t deserve to smile at the things I have.

Anyone else?

Woody. Dude.

Two things I learnt long ago that keep me sane.

When things feel good and you're happy enjoy it while it lasts. Make the most of the good feelings and revel in them, celebrate them and enjoy the good time highs.

And if/when they end? Don't try and analyse the why. You may never know and trying to apportion any blame is pointless. Even if the reason why it ends seems obvious it's often not. Never blame yourself. Just recognise the change and plan how to get back to 'the happy'. There's always a way.

Life is usually beyond our control. People fuck up and make mistakes, others are as often the cause as ourselves. Dwelling and looking back gets you nowhere. You can't change the past, you can only learn from it and move forwards.

Chin up bud. Hope you're good.

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By *arl17Man
over a year ago

Central Portugal

"I came to the conclusion a long time ago that happiness is overrated. As you say, it inevitably comes crashing down around you anyway.

I prefer just to survive these days. I'll leave the happiness for the young 'uns.

Stupid view inmho

Gotta have faith even though i don't at the moment x

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By *arl17Man
over a year ago

Central Portugal

"I am happy . No arguments just working together. It's a fantastic feeling. "

Lucky guy

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By *otSoPetiteMortWoman
over a year ago

Hertfordshire

No. I often tell myself I don't deserve anything.

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By *arl17Man
over a year ago

Central Portugal

"No. I often tell myself I don't deserve anything."

Wrong answer

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By *otSoPetiteMortWoman
over a year ago

Hertfordshire

"No. I often tell myself I don't deserve anything.

Wrong answer

How so?

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