FabSwingers.com forum: Helping my dad

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Hey sexy people just thought I would give you all an update. I spoke to my dad and told him due to the status of our relationship (being strained) and the fact I have worked my arse off to become debt free I can't afford to lend him the 15k he needs. However I have sat him down and helped him work out payment plans that he can afford. I have left it upto him to contact the relevant debtors. I feel kind of shit on the drive home but my life must come first.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You have helped.

That is something to feel good about x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"You have helped.

That is something to feel good about x

"
then why do I feel guilty

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You have helped.

That is something to feel good about x

then why do I feel guilty"

Without knowing the conversation you had, I’d suggest there may have been some attempts at emotional manipulation. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

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By *oco_marsWoman
over a year ago

Stockport

"Hey sexy people just thought I would give you all an update. I spoke to my dad and told him due to the status of our relationship (being strained) and the fact I have worked my arse off to become debt free I can't afford to lend him the 15k he needs. However I have sat him down and helped him work out payment plans that he can afford. I have left it upto him to contact the relevant debtors. I feel kind of shit on the drive home but my life must come first."

Well done you, you still helped! Can't have been easy

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By *avexxMan
over a year ago

cheshire

youve helped him done the best you can,,, your a good man

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"You have helped.

That is something to feel good about x

then why do I feel guilty

Without knowing the conversation you had, I’d suggest there may have been some attempts at emotional manipulation. You have nothing to feel guilty about. "
did not see him yesterday as I needed time to think. So stopped off before I left today. First thing he said was so you gonna help me.

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By *eroLondonMan
over a year ago

Mayfair

I think you've done rather well. Well done OP.

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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry

"You have helped.

That is something to feel good about x

then why do I feel guilty"

You weren't going win in any outcome here. You did pick the least worst option imo. Al you can do is keep your side of the street clean. This is something al-alon encourages people to understand.

You're feeling guilty because it's your dad. But I think you know at the same time that assuming responsibility for the debt wouldn't have been a good outcome for you

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By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

"You have helped.

That is something to feel good about x

then why do I feel guilty"

Because you’re in a position to help him financially and didn’t. But I think what you did was the right thing to - you were open and honest but didn’t betray yourself. And you helped him (an adult) establish a path out of debt.

Well done and try to get past the guilt.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Great responses from previous fabbers, the guilt will ease with time, we all have to make difficult choices.

You have definitely done something positive to help your dad. I know its hard, but be kind to yourself - imagine a friend in exactly the same situation, unburdening themselves on you and telling you that they feel guilty - imagine what you'd say to them... and now say that same advice to yourself xx

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By *oco_marsWoman
over a year ago

Stockport

Also, don't feel guilty for setting boundaries. You worked hard to become debt free

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"You have helped.

That is something to feel good about x

then why do I feel guilty"

Because you feel responsible for him. I know only too well the guilt that's attached to feeling responsible for a parent and refusing their requests.

You've done what was right for you and in the long term right for him. He might be less inclined to run up debts if he actually has to pay them back.

On a recent thread about lending money to a gambler nearly everyone said "don't". I actually said it depends on the circumstances and I think the same applies to this situation and you're right to do what you did

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

Tell me to mind my own business if you want.

Why does he need 15k?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Tell me to mind my own business if you want.

Why does he need 15k?"
Basically he has debts of 15k. These were ran up by various things. Instead of paying what he owed he ran away and buried his head.

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By *ehindHerEyesCouple
over a year ago

SomewhereOnlyWeKnow

If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.

Today OP you have taught him how to fish. It’s up to him if he goes fishing or not

Marc

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

Would he pay you back if you loaned him the money?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Would he pay you back if you loaned him the money?"
no as he has done it before but that was only £30

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.

Today OP you have taught him how to fish. It’s up to him if he goes fishing or not thank you x

Marc"

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

"Tell me to mind my own business if you want.

Why does he need 15k? Basically he has debts of 15k. These were ran up by various things. Instead of paying what he owed he ran away and buried his head."

Well tbh I'd put him in touch with a debt management company or citizens advice.

Offer to help maybe giving him some money every month to contribute to the debt.

Let a professional company deal with the issue.

This way not only have you helped him with taking charge of the situation your also offering some financial support without burgeoning yourself with the whole debt.

But be careful you don't get roped into being a guarantor and responsible if and when he defaults.

That's as much as I'd offer personally.

Good luck sounds like a very tricky situation.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

"Would he pay you back if you loaned him the money? no as he has done it before but that was only £30"

Then you shouldn't feel guilty for not lending it to him.

You've helped him unbury his head to sort it out; which is more than some people would do.

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

"Tell me to mind my own business if you want.

Why does he need 15k? Basically he has debts of 15k. These were ran up by various things. Instead of paying what he owed he ran away and buried his head.

Well tbh I'd put him in touch with a debt management company or citizens advice.

Offer to help maybe giving him some money every month to contribute to the debt.

Let a professional company deal with the issue.

This way not only have you helped him with taking charge of the situation your also offering some financial support without burgeoning yourself with the whole debt.

But be careful you don't get roped into being a guarantor and responsible if and when he defaults.

That's as much as I'd offer personally.

Good luck sounds like a very tricky situation.

"
burdening

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By *wingOfThingsMan
over a year ago

knowle

Good on your for this OP...iv never mixed money with family and friends as it never ends well usually, you've managed to sort your own financial problems out, best you can do is help him and give all support and advice possible, I hope all is resolved for the both of you soon tho and your relationship can start fresh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Tell me to mind my own business if you want.

Why does he need 15k? Basically he has debts of 15k. These were ran up by various things. Instead of paying what he owed he ran away and buried his head."

And that's his problem, not yours. Don't feel guilty.

Hope he gets things sorted and doesn't harass you now he knows you're debt free. X

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By *wingOfThingsMan
over a year ago

knowle

Borrowing money is just a vicious circle, if he borrows off you to pay someone else he still owes that debt to you...if he keeps borrowing it will never go away, face things head on I say

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