FabSwingers.com forum: Feeling of guilt

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Absolutely gutted how can someone do this. The guy I was seeing just spilled the beans and told me he deceived me to gain my favour to meet me. He meant to be a single guy but it turns out he has a wife.

The worst part is, he sounded like a really decent human being. We got on very well which is sad and I will now truly miss him for the friendship part. I would rather be if he was an asshole at the first place but I can't say that. So I could just forget him straight away.

I feel awful though because the wife found out. And I don't like hurting people. I'm angry with him, he pulled me into this shit of a show. And here I'm thinking how the heck have I not noticed anything.

Here lies a question. How do you spot a lying cheater?

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By *iasubTV/TS
over a year ago

Ilkeston

Sometimes people are just very good liars with all the “tickboxes” you put in place some people will slip through

Theres only so much you can do and its also worth pointing that people should be truthful of what they expect from each other

It sounds like an awful situation you were put it im sorry it happened

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By *avexxMan
over a year ago

cheshire

"Absolutely gutted how can someone do this. The guy I was seeing just spilled the beans and told me he deceived me to gain my favour to meet me. He meant to be a single guy but it turns out he has a wife.

Here lies a question. How do you spot a lying cheater?

"
.. not easy hes obv very good at it..

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By *rMotivator2.0Man
over a year ago

Donegal

People can be great pretenders, he might not even have been the person you perceived he was. Nothing worse than a cheat they deserve all the bad shit that's coming to them and then some

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By *oxy jWoman
over a year ago

somerset

you will never know the truth people lie men and women...

its like all those that say oh ill never go with married sorry but if your a swinger you almost certain to have been with married ... and for as long as you swing you always will .. think you have to accept it people lie so its not you fault ... or if it affects you that badly then maybe this lifestyle is not for you ...

been on this scene 30++ years clubs parties internet little bits of dogging and ive never heard anyone ask if they are married or single

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By *rigginintherigginCouple
over a year ago

strummersville

You have nothing to feel guilty about OP. You haven’t lied or cheated, he has. You can’t take accountability for that.

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By *ucky24Man
over a year ago

Barrow in Furness

It is a conundrum. You have to take people on trust or otherwise you don't get to experience life in all different aspects.

The fault is not yours but his, it is his character defects that caused this.

It probably sounds like a clique but you just need to put this behind you and move on. Questioning yourself is good for a short period but once that is over don't constantly beat yourself up about it. Sometimes we get fooled by people.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

There is no guaranteed way of spotting a cheater.

I know men who had two families who knew nothing about each other for years.

If someone is really good at keeping their life from you you may never find out.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

I hope you haven't wasted too long on him.

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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago

Maidstone

Why should you feel guilty? The blame is squarely on him...

I had recent experience not too dissimilar. He told me the truth that he'd left his gf but did keep me informed that she wanted him back, and she even got her mother to soft soap him back.

One weekend he just went AWOL and even ghosted me that we hadn't planned anything and I'm being undeservedly possessive.

So I've cut him off all contact with him.

I know he's gone back to her because she would allow him to see her on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and he's currently not online those nights. He hated her for treating him as Plan B all the time - so good luck buddy...

Not a shread of guilt on me.

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By *ife NinjaMan
over a year ago

Dunfermline

You're better than that. Fuck him off, and find someone who cares enough not to lie to you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Here lies a question. How do you spot a lying cheater?

Check the times they login, are they out of pocket all weekend? Suddenly checking in at 9am and messaging?

Do videos calls later at night, no warning, or things of that nature. Tell them you're a big scratcher in bed and assess the reaction? If they don't want it, is it because they don't like it or don't want it seen...

Sounds stupid, kinda is, but ya know. Gotta be on your toes.

Anyway, sorry you got put in that position unwillingly. It's not fair on either of you, try not to bare the brunt of responsibility, none lies with you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I just have a radar and easily suss them out

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By *ullyMan
over a year ago

Near Clacton

In the words of Doctor House "everbody lies"!

Sad but For sure I take everything a "partner" from these sites says with a pinch of salt. Sad but true.

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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry

If they're good at deceiving people, you don't. Don't beat yourself up, the deception goes on his karma bill not yours.

Maybe stalk their socials if you have any concerns.

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By *parrow77Man
over a year ago

cheshire

Sometimes people can slip or do things that give suspicions ie vanish off messaging or chats abruptly especially if built up to using kik etc.

sometimes the ones like you have met are so sneaky and planning just makes worse cos they are thinking paces ahead to plan and know what do especially like this guy who built friendship and trust.

It’s never nice when happens and hopefully you get over and find someone better to enjoy chats with and more

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By *ulieAndBeefCouple
over a year ago

Manchester-ish

I'm so sorry this has happened and that you have been dragged into it unknowingly. It's on him, not you.

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By *aucasian GhandiMan
over a year ago

from my dad's left nut (Warwick)

Sorry this has occurred to you. Simply truth is sometimes we just have to give ppl the benefit until they show us something different. Then and only then can we change it up for ourselves

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It must be hard for singles so definatley done blame yourself, a little naivety shows a deep honest streak and your hurt feelings show you are a good human that cares.

No go get gang banged, loads of pictures and upload them so he can see exactly what he missed out on!

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By *reat me rightWoman
over a year ago

Rotherham

You shouldn't miss him - none of it was real onwards and upwards sweet

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I know you are trying to protect yourself but the responsibility of disclosure is on them not on you carrying out tests and searching for signs. Yes, you can do all of that but it is such a waste of time. Good liars will outdo you with their experience. I am sorry you are going through this. Be good to yourself. It's not your fault.

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By *lamdaddyMan
over a year ago

London

A woman who's dipped in and out of here who I speak to has admitted she has a partner! Just one of those things about...well ever really, it's happened throughout the ages

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 10/06/23 16:31:24]

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By *omtom7Man
over a year ago

Tralee

Not your issue OP. You acted in good faith.

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By *inger_SnapWoman
over a year ago

Hampshire/Dorset

You can't... I had a bf like that, we dated, stayed with me, treated my son like his own, met my family and friends, everyone liked him... I met his mates and work colleagues. All the time he was still on dating sites and meeting other women telling them he was single. I had no idea!

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By *ansoffateMan
over a year ago

Sagittarius A

Ironically, I have been talking about this kind of issue recently, well deception generally.

My views

It's never foolish to give trust, as that's the only way it can work. Being cynical a suspicious will poison the well.

Reality is the blame rests pretty squarely on his shoulders. He deceived you and his partner.

Ultimately, I'd look at it as a bullet dodg

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Here lies a question. How do you spot a lying cheater?

Don’t feel guilty, he is/was the ass hole you imagine him to be, he lied to you and his wife

Remember that you and his wife were tricked

He has hurt her not you!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You've nothing to feel guilty about. He's the liar ant the cheat not you.

On here, I will only meet men who can accommodate. One of the first questions I ask is do you live alone. If their answer isn't yes then I'm not wasting my time.

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By *otSoPetiteMortWoman
over a year ago

Hertfordshire

Unfortunately, there is no definitive way of knowing.

People are great pretenders, especially if they have no morals in the situation.

There was nothing you could have done. Chin up and move on. x

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By *TG3Man
over a year ago

Dorchester

Here lies a question. How do you spot a lying cheater?

"
you don't obviously

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By *iger4uWoman
over a year ago

In my happy place

Guys do and say anything to get their dick wet.

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By *wayoranotherMan
over a year ago

Nantwich

"Guys do and say anything to get their dick wet.

"
Recently had an experience with a lady on here who, if she had a dick, met that description too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Call the wife.

Apologise and explain how you were deceived and then make up a load of shit that he said about his “ex” wife and how he was always moaning and whining about her.

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By *ayHaychMan
over a year ago

Leeds (Home) / Sheffield (Work)

People become very good at lying.

Remind yourself it is not your fault in any way. He must have used a lot of lies to be so convincing, so it's not like he told one lie of being single but lied a lot to get you on his side.

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By *lay 4 your plessureMan
over a year ago

Wigan

The simple truth is, it doesn't matter how many people say don't feel guilty or forget him, it's normal and ok to miss what you thought you had and to feel guilt about what has happened. It'll never leave you but it will get easier over time to come to terms with it. Just try to remember what he has done is not your fault. Liars, conartists, whatever you want to call them, can be extremely good at what they do, even the most cynical people in the world can be taken in by them, so what he's done is by no means a reflection of you. Hopefully you can move on from this in time without it ruining your trust in people completely. There are good people out there, but you still have to be vulnerable enough to trust to be sure of finding them. If you lose the will trust anyone again then you'll find it difficult to find happiness again. So sorry this happened to you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Other people's infidelity isn't your guilt. There's so much resistance against attached people on the scene but truth is most of us have probably slept with someone with a partner, either with knowledge or not. People lie, it's not our responsibility to dictate how they live their lives.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"you will never know the truth people lie men and women...

been on this scene 30++ years clubs parties internet little bits of dogging and ive never heard anyone ask if they are married or single"

I disagree with some of that but I know what you're saying makes lots of sense and you mean it in a good way. There is a much greater chance I will come across a married guy if I go full onto the swinging lifestyle but I'm not full on swinger. I don't go to sex parties, clubs or for dogging. I'm super selective of the people I meet on here and they all go through my vetting process. I know there's plenty of singletons on Fab but it's hard sometimes to distinguish which ones are really single but well, I used to normally spot it. This guy was however really good at covering his tracks. Partially because he works away from home and only goes home at the weekends and not even every weekend. He had plenty of time throughout the week to meet up.

I will continue to be looking for single men because I have some morals. I don't care what others do, it's up to their own conscious mind. I don't judge but it's not for me.

Don't see the reason to leave Fab. Still have kinks and fantasies to fulfill but on my own terms. If he was however in an open relationship and his wife would of allowed him to meet me, I wouldn't have a problem with that. The key word is trust. But that's totally different thing.

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By *itonthesideWoman
over a year ago

Glasgow

Here lies a question. How do you spot a lying cheater?

Check the times they login, are they out of pocket all weekend? Suddenly checking in at 9am and messaging?

Sounds stupid, kinda is, but ya know. Gotta be on your toes.

Anyway, sorry you got put in that position unwillingly. It's not fair on either of you, try not to bare the brunt of responsibility, none lies with you."

I was once taken in by a married guy and he text me morning til night, i would bet my life he was laid beside her in bed messaging, from the range of times he had to be. He even offered me a lift on Christmas day. So the theory that cheats are only available at clandestine times can be pretty far from the truth

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you all for the lovely, uplifting messages. Sorry for not replying to you all.

Very typical of me disappearing right after thread was born

I promise I'll get better at it

It's lesson learned and I'm moving on. Will be trusting but a bit more vigilant

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