FabSwingers.com forum: To behave, or not to behave...

By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

In a conversation with a dear friend this morning, this topic came up.

Expectations. On how a person behaves/responds/is. Whether that's in the swinging world, the BDSM, the poly, the dating. You get the idea.

What behaviour do you expect? Are there certain things you believe are important to be shown?

Do you try and show those to others?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Poly/ dating for me- important that someone shows understanding and respect for the fact that I’m a parent and my priorities will always be my responsibilities as a parent. Also that they’re present in our time together so not constantly on their phone or giving their attention to someone or something else. That they are always polite to other people when we go out together. Some other things too

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By *uckmonkeyMan
over a year ago

devon

Being a newbie I expect nothing….but feel I should behave and listen to boundaries set by the people if I was to meet…

I also believe I’m a generally nice person and shouldn’t overstep marks or be pushy towards anybody as if I got what I’m looking for they would be doing me a favour and fulfilling a fantasy..

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

The main one for me is being present. Other than that just be a grown up, no drama or weirdness about other lovers / exes etc and no lies

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By *parkle1974Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

I expect nothing more than manners x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Expectations of people are a weird thing that causes a lot of problems. We all have our own personal beliefs, morals and views of the correct way to behave but that doesn't ultimately mean we are right and someone who thinks differently is wrong. We also can't get mad at people for not aligning with our expectations because its not our place to dictate how they behave, act or feel. My only expectation for someone is that they be who they truly are. Whether we match as people is a different story but at least everyone is on genuine level ground.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I expect respect from everyone I interact with. This covers just about everything really because if you start with respect you're not going to go far wrong

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"Poly/ dating for me- important that someone shows understanding and respect for the fact that I’m a parent and my priorities will always be my responsibilities as a parent. Also that they’re present in our time together so not constantly on their phone or giving their attention to someone or something else. That they are always polite to other people when we go out together. Some other things too"

Oh Pickle. Yeah, it's important that someone recognises that - being a parent comes first.

Being present is so important. I once got gently chided for screwing up my face on a social when they logged on to Fab. If someone's not present with you, are they really wanting to be there?

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"Being a newbie I expect nothing….but feel I should behave and listen to boundaries set by the people if I was to meet…

I also believe I’m a generally nice person and shouldn’t overstep marks or be pushy towards anybody as if I got what I’m looking for they would be doing me a favour and fulfilling a fantasy.."

What about your boundaries though? It's good you're respectful, really it is.

But they're not doing you a favour. No. With respect, I don't think it should be seen like that. Sure it's great when someone wants you to be part of their fantasy. Really fucking hot. No one is doing any one favours though, you're just enjoying the moment.

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"The main one for me is being present. Other than that just be a grown up, no drama or weirdness about other lovers / exes etc and no lies "

Yes, that's understandable. Drama/weirdness isn't good for anyone is it?

Lies are a big thing for me - I really don't like them. Find them confusing and then I try and work out the truth and it becomes a bit of a mess.

So for me, I guess it's down to respect? Not sure if it's respect. I might come back when I've thought of a better term.

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By *tyoursecretserviceMan
over a year ago

Che

Just expect people to be themselves not fake.

Either you like them or you don't. We get to choose who we allow into our life.

My Door works really well, most of the time it's open

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"I expect nothing more than manners x"

Ah that's quite simple and neat. I like that.

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"Expectations of people are a weird thing that causes a lot of problems. We all have our own personal beliefs, morals and views of the correct way to behave but that doesn't ultimately mean we are right and someone who thinks differently is wrong. We also can't get mad at people for not aligning with our expectations because its not our place to dictate how they behave, act or feel. My only expectation for someone is that they be who they truly are. Whether we match as people is a different story but at least everyone is on genuine level ground."

Ah this is true. I like your more sensible posts (can't remember your current username as I'm typing this!) a lot.

That correct way to behave is a bit of a nuisance at times. I see it on BDSM threads - when they say that you should do x, y and z or you're not really *doing* it. It kind of ignores how different we all are - assumes that their way of handling things, doing them is the right way.

Yes, I think when we expect people to behave in a certain way, assume they will it can lead to negativity if they fall short of those unknown expectations. It's also not really fair on someone is it? Or on us. When I catch myself falling into that behaviour, which I can definitely do, I try and stop it and apologise for doing so.

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By *he Silver FuxMan
over a year ago

Uttoxeter

"In a conversation with a dear friend this morning, this topic came up.

Expectations. On how a person behaves/responds/is. Whether that's in the swinging world, the BDSM, the poly, the dating. You get the idea.

What behaviour do you expect? Are there certain things you believe are important to be shown?

Do you try and show those to others? "

Empathy.

That’s all that’s needed in life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Expect nothing, accept everything. That is, until told otherwise in a tweet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Respect what the other person wants x

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
over a year ago

Carlisle usually

When you frame it as behaving my brat instincts make me want to misbehave

For me, the only thing I'm ever fussed about is honesty. If there's other commitments or distractions or unfortunate things happen, that's life, that's okay. Just don't keep me in the dark if it's something relevant to my experience and any plans we had together, confirmed or otherwise.

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"Just expect people to be themselves not fake.

Either you like them or you don't. We get to choose who we allow into our life.

My Door works really well, most of the time it's open "

We do choose don't we? Our friends, our sexual partners, our lovers.

Beyond that, well you can't choose to have someone behave the way you want them to. Yep, that sentence is a reminder for me because I can be rather rotten and forget that occasionally.

You either accept the way they behave or you move on to someone whose behaviour is more compatible with you.

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"In a conversation with a dear friend this morning, this topic came up.

Expectations. On how a person behaves/responds/is. Whether that's in the swinging world, the BDSM, the poly, the dating. You get the idea.

What behaviour do you expect? Are there certain things you believe are important to be shown?

Do you try and show those to others?

Empathy.

That’s all that’s needed in life. "

Aww, that's sweet. I don't think empathy is something that naturally comes to many people.

It's hard sometimes to stop and try and understand how another person feels. The world would be better if there was more empathy, maybe a stepping stone to that could be a willingness to listen to another's point of view and try to understand it. Even if you don't agree.

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By *uckmonkeyMan
over a year ago

devon

"Being a newbie I expect nothing….but feel I should behave and listen to boundaries set by the people if I was to meet…

I also believe I’m a generally nice person and shouldn’t overstep marks or be pushy towards anybody as if I got what I’m looking for they would be doing me a favour and fulfilling a fantasy..

What about your boundaries though? It's good you're respectful, really it is.

I would like to think if my boundaries were getting a tad too close I’d be brave enough to halt proceedings. I wouldn’t want to take advantage or be taken advantage of….

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"When you frame it as behaving my brat instincts make me want to misbehave

Sometimes, briefly, I forgot how often we share similar views on things. And then I'm quickly reminded.

Playing up when someone says to behave is rather fun isn't it?

That's not the similar view though - it's how you talk about honesty. I think that's my main thing. I don't want to know the minor details, in fact, I'm decidedly good not. But being kept in the dark when things affect me, plans discussed doesn't work for me. Never has - my first partner did it quite a lot and it got to the point where I couldn't deal with it any more. It's hard to explain without sounding daft though!

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

I behave depending on the situation in the main. I do have a steak in me that won't behave just because, and I do have to reign it in because I can be a grade A twat. But usually me 'playing up" so to speak is my way of showing I'm not happy in some way or another. And I'm pushing limits to see if I'm safe or not. I mean it's a stupid coping strategy and totally not recommended.

I think though in general it's always best to be upfront about expectations, so everyone is happy.

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By *erence IIMan
over a year ago

Irrelevant

If the world was full of people that truly understood this it would be a far happier place

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By *aps1Man
over a year ago

North Wales / Chester

For me it’s all about respecting the people you are with and being able to except their opinions

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
over a year ago

Carlisle usually

"Sometimes, briefly, I forgot how often we share similar views on things. And then I'm quickly reminded.

Playing up when someone says to behave is rather fun isn't it?

Oh it doesn't sound daft at all. It's a big thing that so many people overlook or take for granted. Or get embarrassed because they missed something and even the day after still haven't reached out to just say hey I fucked up there, or even to talk at all. It stings. And it stinks.

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By *ily WhiteWoman
over a year ago

Be honest, open and respectful. That's my base expectation, everything else is nuanced and specific to each relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m getting to the point where I was in the past.recently I’ve been very sensitive and temperamental with what I expect and what I get given with any type or relationship with people.

Now I just expect to be given what they want to give. After a while I know if that’s enough for me or did it match what I gave them. Sometimes it is surprising.

I will always offer honesty and friendliness, that’s a given. Do I expect that? It’s pretty basic, so if they can’t do that?……

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Truth.

Basically.

Easy.

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"Truth.

Basically.

Easy."

I think this is the most succinct I've ever read you.

Good work.

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By *ris GrayMan
over a year ago

Dorchester

Just be polite always whatever you do

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

I expect good manners other than that I expect nothing.

Mrs

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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago

London

Honest communication.

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

I expect to meet with a polite human who will not take any liberties or presume things. Keep it light and friendly.

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"I’m getting to the point where I was in the past.recently I’ve been very sensitive and temperamental with what I expect and what I get given with any type or relationship with people.

Now I just expect to be given what they want to give. After a while I know if that’s enough for me or did it match what I gave them. Sometimes it is surprising.

I will always offer honesty and friendliness, that’s a given. Do I expect that? It’s pretty basic, so if they can’t do that?……

I think things are nuanced - friendliness of course. That's vital.

The level of honesty for me is based on the the level of relationship. Actually, as I'm typing that I'm thinking yeah, that's bollocks.

It's not the level of honesty that changes. It's the level of openness. I wouldn't expect someone I've just met to tell me everything. Nor want them to. But what they do say should be honest.

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