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I've met another woman

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Hi I've met another woman, we have Been dating for ages , time has come to leave my wife, for her, we have young kids which makes it complicated, advice? How to tell her etc

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh dear.

Sit her down and tell her everything. Take the inevitable shit and don’t make your children suffer or see things they don’t need to

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By *avexxMan
over a year ago

cheshire

good luck with this one messy but you be the first one or the last

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By *nkyCplCouple
over a year ago

Northampton

Can’t reverse your cheating so just be honest with her. Treat her compassion, show remorse for your shitty behaviour, take what she says on the chin and be a kick ass dad.

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By *avexxMan
over a year ago

cheshire

wont,,

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By *oodeggMan
over a year ago

Devon

Think very careful..

Put your children's needs above your own.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Agreed, so obviously she will be a single mother what will she be entitled to i.e housing, benefits, she works but earnsess that 15k, Also I'll be giving her about 500/600 a month for the kids and whatever else etc..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tell her the truth. Take the ear bashing and the inevitable things thrown at you. Tell her face to face when the children aren’t around. But most of all, don’t let the children suffer.

Mrs

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Well haven't physically cheated, the other woman won't till I leave her,

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Agreed, so obviously she will be a single mother what will she be entitled to i.e housing, benefits, she works but earnsess that 15k, Also I'll be giving her about 500/600 a month for the kids and whatever else etc.. "

When she’s calmed down enough tell her to get on a website called entitledto. It’ll help her work out what she’s entitled to from the state to keep her and your kids going

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Agreed, so obviously she will be a single mother what will she be entitled to i.e housing, benefits, she works but earnsess that 15k, Also I'll be giving her about 500/600 a month for the kids and whatever else etc.. "

Go on entitledto, you’ll be able to work out what benefits she’ll be entitled to, but I doubt that’s going to be the first thing on her mind to be honest

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By *weetiepie99Woman
over a year ago

cardiff

My heart breaks for her and the kids

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

It is what it is , can't help who ya fall for

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By *weetiepie99Woman
over a year ago

cardiff


"It is what it is , can't help who ya fall for "

Should have been honest with her from the start.

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By *4bimMan
over a year ago

Farnborough Hampshire

Blimey, like wow.

I remember the day my dad told my mum he found someone else.

The damage it did to my mum is why I get off here if I get into a relationship.

Hope it all works out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 23/04/23 19:39:25]

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By *ablo minibar123Woman
over a year ago

.


"My heart breaks for her and the kids"

It will be tough, but she deserves to be with someone that truly wants to be with her. Let's hope the kids don't hold grudges.

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By *929Man
over a year ago

bedlington

Think carefully before you do it, it’s a massive shock to the system loosing your family and not living with your kids is one of the hardest things ever and never gets better or easier

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By *ehindHerEyesCouple
over a year ago

SomewhereOnlyWeKnow

From someone who's been in your wife's position, be honest with her and no more lies. It's gonna hurt her immensely and trust me there will be anger towards you and anger towards herself as to what she did wrong to make you cheat... because fact is you may not have done anything physically but you have still cheated emotionally and tbh that's what hurt me more than the physical cheating.

And as for the kids tell them together they may be young but they see more than you think and deserve that too so they don't blame themselves either.

T x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My heart breaks for her and the kids

It will be tough, but she deserves to be with someone that truly wants to be with her. Let's hope the kids don't hold grudges."

Kids almost always hold grudges to some degree

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By *weetiepie99Woman
over a year ago

cardiff


"My heart breaks for her and the kids

It will be tough, but she deserves to be with someone that truly wants to be with her. Let's hope the kids don't hold grudges."

I agree with that 100%. Someone who at least respects her. Blimey.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It is what it is , can't help who ya fall for "

Yes you can. You are married with young kids, but have been dating another person for ages. It doesn't make it any less cheating because you haven't had sex. You have also been on here for over a year too

Soon you will be making a new thread whining because your wife won't let you see your kids..

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

Contact Relate for advice on telling your children. They can help you share the news in the way that harms the children least.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Agreed, so obviously she will be a single mother what will she be entitled to i.e housing, benefits, she works but earnsess that 15k, Also I'll be giving her about 500/600 a month for the kids and whatever else etc.. "

If you are married the divorce process will be hard and financially challenging. The needs of the kids will be put first when it comes to housing and financial settlements. If you have marital assets then they will be split but don't assume you will get 50/50 as will depend on needs of your kids.

All I can advise is be compassionate, be kind and don't drag your kids into the argument or introduce them to the other woman until everything is very settled divorce wise.

Oh and don't assume the grass will be greener with this new woman once reality hits.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Blimey, like wow.

I remember the day my dad told my mum he found someone else.

The damage it did to my mum is why I get off here if I get into a relationship.

Hope it all works out "

This is sweet. Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Coming from a broken family myself definitely tell your children together in a calm relaxed place and make sure you're both there for them emotionally whenever they need. Kids take this stuff so hard.

No advice for the wife side but I really hope she finds someone who will be amazing for her and not on here. X

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By *4bimMan
over a year ago

Farnborough Hampshire


"Blimey, like wow.

I remember the day my dad told my mum he found someone else.

The damage it did to my mum is why I get off here if I get into a relationship.

Hope it all works out

This is sweet. Xx"

It's the right thing to do.

I don't see any other way

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By *unfunfun xMan
over a year ago

LONDON

Wow that's tough to take, I hope this new woman is worth it. I know it happens daily all over the world the leaving partner or wife or husband but again its gonna totally crush someone not sure how you can soften the pain for your wife and kids think its impossible. I've been single a while because next person I meet I want it to last, dam where not getting any younger.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My advice would be to be totally honest with her and also completely own the fact that you treated her terribly for over a year, dont play the blame game and really hammer home how sorry you are for how horribly you dealt with the whole situation and that lessons were learnt and you want to do the right thing going forward with her and kids and making the whole move as easy and painless as possible.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In honesty, there is no good way - treat her with absolute respect, answer all of her questions, take anything she says in response on the chin, give her a quick divorce, don't be a shit, remember you have kids and are 50% responsible for their upbringing, mental health, well being and care... Don't be surprised if she expects you to pull your share.

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By *viatrixWoman
over a year ago

Redhill


"Agreed, so obviously she will be a single mother what will she be entitled to i.e housing, benefits, she works but earnsess that 15k, Also I'll be giving her about 500/600 a month for the kids and whatever else etc.. "

You will give her what the court or mediator say, according to your income and assets.

And no, she won’t automatically be entitled to housing- why would she? If you both own the marital home then it will be sold and divided again, depending on what the court or mediators/solicitors/both of you agree on.

Benefits aren’t automatic either.

500/600 a month wouldn’t have even covered my kids’ food. My calculator was more towards £2800 a month from my husband when I was thinking of divorcing him. and no, that wouldn’t even cover food or bills, despite me working part time back then…

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By *toC Thats MeWoman
over a year ago

Sheffield

Do people not think of their children in these situations.

Have been that women and I am now raising my children solo. You have to think about how this impacts your children and their future. Presuming she is their main carer also…getting left to pick up the pieces.

Just be honest with her OP is all I can say.

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By *estarossa.Woman
over a year ago

Flagrante

My advice is to have a plan.

As in don't expect to stay in the house after, or turn up on the new woman's doorstep.

Do you really understand the implications of what you are about to do?

And whatever you do, rise above point scoring and weaponising the children.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Well haven't physically cheated, the other woman won't till I leave her, "

Think very carefully then.

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By *lik and PaulCouple
over a year ago

cahoots


"Well haven't physically cheated, the other woman won't till I leave her, "

....are you sure??

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Well haven't physically cheated, the other woman won't till I leave her,

....are you sure??"

Major warning sign for me

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By *ack Flash400Man
over a year ago

The Bat Cave

Remember the grass is not always greener on the other side

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

I feel a bit sad to read this tbh. You're so young, I'm assuming she's (your wife) is a similar age, with young kids. Are you sure you can't sort things out? It's got to be worth it, surely.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Remember the grass is not always greener on the other side

"

The grass is generally greener where it's tended best

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By *uffolkcouple-bi onlyCouple
over a year ago

West Suffolk/Essex

And who is to say the new woman won’t do a runner as soon as you leave your wife, leaving you all on your own?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Hi I've met another woman, we have Been dating for ages , time has come to leave my wife, for her, we have young kids which makes it complicated, advice? How to tell her etc "

How have you been dating for a while without your wife guessing? I'd say this might not come as a big surprise to her

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You're leaving your wife and the family home for a woman that you haven't even been physical with?

I would think very, very carefully about the situation if I were you.

Once you've caused the heartache for your wife and children, you can't undo it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Remember the grass is not always greener on the other side

The grass is generally greener where it's tended best"

Because it’s fertilised with bullshit

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By *ehindHerEyesCouple
over a year ago

SomewhereOnlyWeKnow


"Agreed, so obviously she will be a single mother what will she be entitled to i.e housing, benefits, she works but earnsess that 15k, Also I'll be giving her about 500/600 a month for the kids and whatever else etc..

You will give her what the court or mediator say, according to your income and assets.

And no, she won’t automatically be entitled to housing- why would she? If you both own the marital home then it will be sold and divided again, depending on what the court or mediators/solicitors/both of you agree on.

Benefits aren’t automatic either.

500/600 a month wouldn’t have even covered my kids’ food. My calculator was more towards £2800 a month from my husband when I was thinking of divorcing him. and no, that wouldn’t even cover food or bills, despite me working part time back then… "

Exactly this, if she becomes sole carer who says she'll still be able to work the same as she does now, childcare isn't cheap and to do that solo is bloody hard, what she'll get on 'benefits' will not always cover this and they will take into account what you give her too so she may not get as much as you seem to think she will.

T x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Remember the grass is not always greener on the other side

The grass is generally greener where it's tended best

Because it’s fertilised with bullshit "

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By *4bimMan
over a year ago

Farnborough Hampshire

So sad.

Ahem

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By *hroatitboyMan
over a year ago

GLA

I’d say if you were open to finding someone new you should’ve left then mate. The damage you’re going to do to your own family is irreversible and your kids will always know at some point you left their mum for another woman. And that judgements something you’ll have to live with for the rest of your life.

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By *ack Flash400Man
over a year ago

The Bat Cave


"Remember the grass is not always greener on the other side

The grass is generally greener where it's tended best

Because it’s fertilised with bullshit "

Well said!

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe


"Agreed, so obviously she will be a single mother what will she be entitled to i.e housing, benefits, she works but earnsess that 15k, Also I'll be giving her about 500/600 a month for the kids and whatever else etc.. "

What you plan to pay might just cover childcare... if she's very lucky.

If the house is mortgaged, she's unlikely to get any financial help towards that.

In short, I hope you're able to be more financially supportive than you have been faithful.

Sorry, if that sounds harsh, but benefits are rarely what people expect them to be. This is is very likely to be financially, as well as emotionally, crippling for her and the children.

Nita

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe


"Agreed, so obviously she will be a single mother what will she be entitled to i.e housing, benefits, she works but earnsess that 15k, Also I'll be giving her about 500/600 a month for the kids and whatever else etc.. "

Benefits are means tested, so they will generally be cancelled out by other income (including your maintenance), there are official calculations that dictate the minimum amount of maintenance you will have to pay... especially if benefits are involved.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I really hope that how you really are, just isn’t coming across in these messages. Because ‘it is what it is, can’t help who you fall for’ comes across devoid of any care or concern, the type *needed* considering the life changing news you’re about to give your family.

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By *estarossa.Woman
over a year ago

Flagrante


"Agreed, so obviously she will be a single mother what will she be entitled to i.e housing, benefits, she works but earnsess that 15k, Also I'll be giving her about 500/600 a month for the kids and whatever else etc..

Benefits are means tested, so they will generally be cancelled out by other income (including your maintenance), there are official calculations that dictate the minimum amount of maintenance you will have to pay... especially if benefits are involved. "

Maintenance is exempt because its for the children.

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By *enrietteandSamCouple
over a year ago

Staffordshire

Nothing says I’m leaving you and the kids better than a post it note

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By *eyond PurityCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

You shouldn’t be leaving your wife for another woman - you should be leaving because you think it’s the best way forward for you both.

The other woman shouldn’t be a consideration or a factor.

Be honest with your wife…it’s clear with you being on here that you’ve been looking elsewhere so you haven’t been truthful to her for a long time.

Show her some respect and give her her life back and be a better dad than you’ve been a husband.

Your actions from now on in will show you and everyone what type of person you are…how you deal with this will define you and will be a huge factor in your future relationship with your children.

I hope you choose to man up

K

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe


"Agreed, so obviously she will be a single mother what will she be entitled to i.e housing, benefits, she works but earnsess that 15k, Also I'll be giving her about 500/600 a month for the kids and whatever else etc..

Benefits are means tested, so they will generally be cancelled out by other income (including your maintenance), there are official calculations that dictate the minimum amount of maintenance you will have to pay... especially if benefits are involved.

Maintenance is exempt because its for the children."

That has changed since I was paying it then... which is good.

Cal

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By *moothpussyMan
over a year ago

Glasgow


"Well haven't physically cheated, the other woman won't till I leave her, "

I so hope this is a joke. At the very least your wife deserves the truth and someone whom will respect her

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t get the ‘other woman’ in these situations. If the man can throw away his whole family, wife and children etc for them, why on earth would they think the same thing then couldn’t happen to them. I could never live with a guy that’s walked away from a family home for me. It would not feel right. I suppose these things happen though, but it’s heartbreaking for your wife and kids. Hope it works out for you all though

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My heart breaks for her and the kids

It will be tough, but she deserves to be with someone that truly wants to be with her. Let's hope the kids don't hold grudges.

Kids almost always hold grudges to some degree "

I'm glad I wasnt one of those "almost always" kids.

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By *lex46TV/TS
over a year ago

Near Wells

You need to think very carefully about the future relationship with your children.

It will go downhill very fast. I used to go everywhere with my dad, sporting events, family holidays etc always enjoyed them as kids. When my dad left our mum, me and my sister never forgave him, we were young teenagers. I've never been anywhere with my dad since 1984, except with other members of family.

His choice to leave us and for the last 20 years he's been living alone in a very small rented flat. My mother traveled the world and loved the independence it gave her once she'd gotten over it.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Hi I've met another woman, we have Been dating for ages , time has come to leave my wife, for her, we have young kids which makes it complicated, advice? How to tell her etc "

Ok here is my advice for what it's worth.

Ask someone to look after the children for the afternoon. Tell your wife clearly and without ambiguity that you are leaving her and why. Don't blame her or try and make excuses. I don't know if she'll be surprised or not, she might be relieved to find that her suspicions are correct, she'll probably be hurt, she might be glad. Answer any questions she has as honestly as possible again without blaming her. Be prepared for anger and hurt. Don't make idle promises and don't say things like "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

When you're both ready talk through what lead to this happening because she will have many questions she needs answering and if she has answers the process will still be difficult for her but knowing is better than wondering.

Whatever the outcome I hope everyone involved comes out of this with the least damage possible

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By * F 2018Couple
over a year ago

shropshire


"Hi I've met another woman, we have Been dating for ages , time has come to leave my wife, for her, we have young kids which makes it complicated, advice? How to tell her etc

Ok here is my advice for what it's worth.

Ask someone to look after the children for the afternoon. Tell your wife clearly and without ambiguity that you are leaving her and why. Don't blame her or try and make excuses. I don't know if she'll be surprised or not, she might be relieved to find that her suspicions are correct, she'll probably be hurt, she might be glad. Answer any questions she has as honestly as possible again without blaming her. Be prepared for anger and hurt. Don't make idle promises and don't say things like "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

When you're both ready talk through what lead to this happening because she will have many questions she needs answering and if she has answers the process will still be difficult for her but knowing is better than wondering.

Whatever the outcome I hope everyone involved comes out of this with the least damage possible "

Good advice

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West


"My heart breaks for her and the kids

It will be tough, but she deserves to be with someone that truly wants to be with her. Let's hope the kids don't hold grudges.

Kids almost always hold grudges to some degree

I'm glad I wasnt one of those "almost always" kids. "

I was. My parents (mother in particular) weaponised us children and I, being the eldest, took the brunt. I abhor her for it. My Dad was a prat but the way Mum dealt with it made everything a thousand times worse for everyone involved. Perhaps it's surprising that I do still see my Dad (who did the leaving) but have no contact with my mother.

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By *ecretRDZVMan
over a year ago

Glasgow


"I don’t get the ‘other woman’ in these situations. If the man can throw away his whole family, wife and children etc for them, why on earth would they think the same thing then couldn’t happen to them. I could never live with a guy that’s walked away from a family home for me. It would not feel right. I suppose these things happen though, but it’s heartbreaking for your wife and kids. Hope it works out for you all though "

I remember years ago a friend of mine was seeing a girl who was due to get married. She eventually left the guy to be with him and I said how do you know she won’t do the same to you, got the “she wouldn’t, he’s not a nice guy, we love each other etc etc” a few years later what happened?

Think carefully OP you can’t go back from this. None of us know your full situation and only you can make the decision, but I’d strongly consider what caused this and whether it can be resolved before you make any decisions.

Hope it works out for everyone involved. Especially the kids.

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By *iltsTSgirlTV/TS
over a year ago

chichester

Never understood how a person can truly trust another person if they are cheating on a wife / husband with kids. My brain would simply think logical statistics that the probability of them doing it again is higher than not .

If you have not physically cheated and only been out socially dating in essence , why not take a shot at some psychological work to see if there is a more root cause in yourself that has led to this and could maybe be fixed / resolved to keep you functioning as a family .

The other woman is putting you on a clock it seems though . I have friends that were in similar situation as you and they ended up getting dumped within months by the new partner as they couldn’t handle all the fall out / nastiness that comes later .

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By *erence IIMan
over a year ago

Irrelevant


"Hi I've met another woman, we have Been dating for ages , time has come to leave my wife, for her, we have young kids which makes it complicated, advice? How to tell her etc

Ok here is my advice for what it's worth.

Ask someone to look after the children for the afternoon. Tell your wife clearly and without ambiguity that you are leaving her and why. Don't blame her or try and make excuses. I don't know if she'll be surprised or not, she might be relieved to find that her suspicions are correct, she'll probably be hurt, she might be glad. Answer any questions she has as honestly as possible again without blaming her. Be prepared for anger and hurt. Don't make idle promises and don't say things like "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

When you're both ready talk through what lead to this happening because she will have many questions she needs answering and if she has answers the process will still be difficult for her but knowing is better than wondering.

Whatever the outcome I hope everyone involved comes out of this with the least damage possible "

Good advice but it assumes the wife will respond in a certain way. She could simply grab the nearest kitchen knife and attempt to stab him as soon as she's told. Not everyone is rational, thoughtful and kind.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Hi I've met another woman, we have Been dating for ages , time has come to leave my wife, for her, we have young kids which makes it complicated, advice? How to tell her etc

Ok here is my advice for what it's worth.

Ask someone to look after the children for the afternoon. Tell your wife clearly and without ambiguity that you are leaving her and why. Don't blame her or try and make excuses. I don't know if she'll be surprised or not, she might be relieved to find that her suspicions are correct, she'll probably be hurt, she might be glad. Answer any questions she has as honestly as possible again without blaming her. Be prepared for anger and hurt. Don't make idle promises and don't say things like "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

When you're both ready talk through what lead to this happening because she will have many questions she needs answering and if she has answers the process will still be difficult for her but knowing is better than wondering.

Whatever the outcome I hope everyone involved comes out of this with the least damage possible

Good advice but it assumes the wife will respond in a certain way. She could simply grab the nearest kitchen knife and attempt to stab him as soon as she's told. Not everyone is rational, thoughtful and kind."

Hence me saying be prepared for anger

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By *opman121Man
over a year ago

stoke on trent

Get ready for a stressful time financially aswell CSA been there got the t shirt

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

Be honest after all she deserves that at least.

Mrs

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By *arkus1812Man
over a year ago

Lifes departure lounge NN9 Northamptonshire East not West MidlandsMidlands

Something you should remember, Kids don,t want a dad, they NEED a dad especially in this present financial climate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Are you 100% sure that what you are walking away from, is worth walking away from?

Are you 100% sure what you are walking towards is actually worth walking towards?

If your marriage is over, then leave, but not for another woman. Be single. Concentrate on being a good single dad.

The sad truth is, so many men get flattered by the attention of another woman when they aren't getting attention at home. But in truth, a woman often stops giving her husband attention because she's tired, from kids, chores, work etc.

But as everyone else has said, if this is really what you want, be ready for the shit sandwich you will have to eat, from her, family, mutual friends etc. Your kids will work it out eventually you left mum for the new woman. I hope for your sake they don't hold it against you or her

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