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" For fucks sake....Please tell me that someone has checked Tesco's, 'cock-a-leeky-soup'! " wots in the ratatouille?? | |||
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"Duck walks into a bar, and says 'you got any bread?' Barman says 'no'. Duck says 'you got any bread?' Barman cocks his head at him, raises an eyebrow and says 'no'. Duck says 'you got any bread?' Barman sighs and says 'no.' Duck says 'you got any bread?' Barman says 'look, I don't know if you're trying to be funny, but stop it. No. I have no bread.' Duck says 'you got any bread?' Barman says 'mate, order a drink or piss off.' Duck says 'you got any bread?' Barman says 'LOOK! IF YOU ASK ME ABOUT BREAD AGAIN I'LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE F***ING BAR! NO F***ING BREAD!' Duck thinks for a moment, then says 'you got any nails? Barman just stares at it and says coolly, 'no'. Duck says 'you got any bread?'" excellent! | |||
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"A funny blonde joke , no offence to blondes .......I, m blonde lol A young blonde woman is out of work , so not being one to like doing nothing she decides to knock on house doors looking for odd jobs people need doing etc. She knocks on a door, a guy answers the door She says " any odd jobs need doing ?" He replies ..." How much to paint the porch?" £50 she says, He says " ok , paint and brushes are in the garage , knock on back door when you, re finished " About an hour later she knocks on back door and says " all done , gave it two coats of paint too " Guy says " wow that was quick " and duly pays her the money . As shes walking away after being paid she says ..... " by the way , its not a porch its an AUDI " " haha. | |||
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"Our neighbour's dog shit in our garden so my mum told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel " | |||
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"Duck walks into a bar, and says 'you got any bread?' Barman says 'no'. Duck says 'you got any bread?' Barman cocks his head at him, raises an eyebrow and says 'no'. Duck says 'you got any bread?' Barman sighs and says 'no.' Duck says 'you got any bread?' Barman says 'look, I don't know if you're trying to be funny, but stop it No. I have no bread.' Duck says 'you got any bread?' Barman says 'mate, order a drink or piss off.' Duck says 'you got any bread?' Barman says 'LOOK! IF YOU ASK ME ABOUT BREAD AGAIN I'LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE F***ING BAR! NO F***ING BREAD!' Duck thinks for a moment, then says 'you got any nails? Barman just stares at it and says coolly, 'no'. Duck says 'you got any bread?' excellent!" | |||
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"I ended up with an older woman at a club last night, she looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit (well more than a bit), we had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a "sportsman double"? "Whats that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. "Oh," I said as my mind began to embrace the idea. "No, I haven't." And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place and walked in hoping for the best night of my life. She puts on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?" " Lol Love it. | |||
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"Old lady goes to a dentist sits down, drops panties, and lifts legs, he says ," im not a gynecologist, she says,' i know, i need my husbands teeth back " I once knew a Dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking , she was known as, Oral High Jean..... | |||
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" For fucks sake....Please tell me that someone has checked Tesco's, 'cock-a-leeky-soup'! wots in the ratatouille?? " no Mousaka | |||
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"I took this of another website HILARIOUS! This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?' Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.' DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.' Contestant: 'Brian.' DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?' Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.' DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.' Brian: 'Sara.' DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?' Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.' DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?' Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.' DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?' Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.' DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.' Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...' DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?' Brian: 'About 10 minutes.' DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.' Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.' DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning? Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...' DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?' Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...' DJ: 'Uh huh...' Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.' DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.' Brian: 'On the kitchen table.' DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.' [3 minutes of commercials follow. ] DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....) Clerk: 'Kinkos.' DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?' Clerk: 'This is she.' DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.' Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?' DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give anyanswers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?' Sarah: 'No.' DJ: 'Good!' Brian: (laughing) Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?' Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.' DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us. Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.' DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?' Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.' DJ: 'What time?' Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.' DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?' Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.' DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?' Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.' DJ: 'Where did you have it?' Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?' Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.' DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?' Sarah: 'Well...' DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it? Sarah: 'Up the arse.....' They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions." omg sat here crying with laughter | |||
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"Am I the only person who is actually quite impressed with Lance Armstrong? Because when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike, let alone ride the fucking thing! " pmsl | |||
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""Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt." " | |||
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"i went to the doctor, he said i should watch what i eat...so ive got tickets for the grand national in april !!!!! " Went to the fridge to check my burgers, aaaaannndddd they're off.... | |||
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