FabSwingers.com forum: jokes?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

hi all, anybody know any decent jokes?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why is it when a woman is pregnant everyone rubs her belly and says congratulation? But no one rubs the guys nuts and says good job ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well," she said, "I've lost a stone. Can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone," I said. "Can you see a difference?"

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By *rodie53Man
over a year ago

Manchester

just cheaked the sell by date on my tesco burgers AND THEY ARE OFF

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My private pictures.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Tesco's burgers the affordable way to get your daughter the pony she always wanted....

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By *limBobStretchedPantsMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

Apologies!!

What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout?

The boy scout comes back from camp.

How do you cure a ginger?

Chemotherapy.

I didn't mind the Tesco horse burger, but I think I prefer My Lidl Pony.

Is it a coincidence that 'HAMBURGERS' is an anagram of 'SHERGAR BUM' ?

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

If the burgers at Tesco are putting you off try their meatballs instead, apparently there the dogs bollocks.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was sitting at work today with my feet on my desk, smoking a ciggie and watching porn on the computer, when suddenly my boss walked in.

He said, "Dave, put your coat on and fuck off home."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Of course I'm sure!" he replied.

Best first day ever!

I hope he's always this nice

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

For fucks sake....Please tell me that someone has checked Tesco's,

'cock-a-leeky-soup'!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't have any good jokes.

Loads of shit ones though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Duck walks into a bar, and says 'you got any bread?'

Barman says 'no'.

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

Barman cocks his head at him, raises an eyebrow and says 'no'.

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

Barman sighs and says 'no.'

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

Barman says 'look, I don't know if you're trying to be funny, but stop it. No. I have no bread.'

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

Barman says 'mate, order a drink or piss off.'

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

Barman says 'LOOK! IF YOU ASK ME ABOUT BREAD AGAIN I'LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE F***ING BAR! NO F***ING BREAD!'

Duck thinks for a moment, then says 'you got any nails?

Barman just stares at it and says coolly, 'no'.

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" For fucks sake....Please tell me that someone has checked Tesco's,

'cock-a-leeky-soup'!

wots in the ratatouille??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Duck walks into a bar, and says 'you got any bread?'

Barman says 'no'.

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

Barman cocks his head at him, raises an eyebrow and says 'no'.

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

Barman sighs and says 'no.'

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

Barman says 'look, I don't know if you're trying to be funny, but stop it. No. I have no bread.'

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

Barman says 'mate, order a drink or piss off.'

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

Barman says 'LOOK! IF YOU ASK ME ABOUT BREAD AGAIN I'LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE F***ING BAR! NO F***ING BREAD!'

Duck thinks for a moment, then says 'you got any nails?

Barman just stares at it and says coolly, 'no'.

Duck says 'you got any bread?'"

excellent!

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Apparently some horses were molested before being put into burgers.

Police are looking for anyone who knows Jimmy Saddle to come forward.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A funny blonde joke , no offence to blondes .......I, m blonde lol

A young blonde woman is out of work , so not being one to like doing nothing she decides to knock on house doors looking for odd jobs people need doing etc.

She knocks on a door,

a guy answers the door

She says " any odd jobs need doing ?"

He replies ..." How much to paint the porch?"

£50 she says,

He says " ok , paint and brushes are in the garage , knock on back door when you, re finished "

About an hour later she knocks on back door and says " all done , gave it two coats of paint too "

Guy says " wow that was quick " and duly pays her the money .

As shes walking away after being paid she says .....

" by the way , its not a porch its an AUDI "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well I thought it was funny lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thieves broke in warehouse stole all the airbeds police think thieves will li lo for a while

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to sex shop for inflatable doll they were none on display cost was 40 quid went back next day some on display cost was 50 quid i said why are those in box 40 and the blown up ones 50 he said its inflation

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two dyslexics were arrested last night for beating up Jimmy Sommerville !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes: Sex with your wife - Legal & General.Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.Sex with an OAP - Saga !Sex with a transvestite -confused.com !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards. .... Forwards then backwards. .... Back and forth... back and forth... In and out, in and out.... Her heart was now pounding faster, her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally exhausted she let out one almighty scream!!! "OK !... OK!... I CANT park the fucking car! You do it you SMUG SHIT !!!

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By *teve oneilMan
over a year ago

manchester

My mate was born with no eyelids so they used his foreskin..trouble is it made him cockeyed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stephen Hawking had a hot date last night. She stood him up...and he immediately fell on the floor.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My poor grandmother has had Alzheimer's for several years now; I guess I should be grateful for the £10 I get for my birthday every week.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was pulled over by the police last night doing a steady 70 mph down the M4.

The officer approached my window as I wind it down saying. " your near sidei rear lights are not working"

"Yes it is, I checked them before I set off"

"Well there not working now sunny Jim, you.better have a look?"

I duly got out of my car to inspect the lights when I broke down and started to cry with my hands covering my face. The officer put his hand on.my shoulder saying... " its okay mate, its most probably a bold or fuse blown! " for which my response was....

"WERE IS MY FREAKING CARAVAN"....

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads.

I looked a right cunt on the bus this morning.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A funny blonde joke , no offence to blondes .......I, m blonde lol

A young blonde woman is out of work , so not being one to like doing nothing she decides to knock on house doors looking for odd jobs people need doing etc.

She knocks on a door,

a guy answers the door

She says " any odd jobs need doing ?"

He replies ..." How much to paint the porch?"

£50 she says,

He says " ok , paint and brushes are in the garage , knock on back door when you, re finished "

About an hour later she knocks on back door and says " all done , gave it two coats of paint too "

Guy says " wow that was quick " and duly pays her the money .

As shes walking away after being paid she says .....

" by the way , its not a porch its an AUDI "

"
haha.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking it's me she's going to eat.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why can't a t-Rex clap??

Cos he's dead...

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By *ovelybumCouple
over a year ago

Tunbridge Wells

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says that she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $ 5,000.

The bank officer says that the bank should be a form of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checked out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank President and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $ 110,000 Benz as collateral for a loan of $ 5,000.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz in the underground garage of the bank and the parks there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, $ 5,000 and the interest, which comes to $ 15.41 repayment.

The loan officer says: "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit surprised. While you were away, we checked out and you found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $ 5,000? "

The blonde replies: "where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $ 15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

our profile on fab

* cReEpS rOunD cRyPt * -|-

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Our neighbour's dog shit in our garden so my mum told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Our neighbour's dog shit in our garden so my mum told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night, she looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit (well more than a bit), we had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a "sportsman double"? "Whats that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. "Oh," I said as my mind began to embrace the idea. "No, I haven't." And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place and walked in hoping for the best night of my life. She puts on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

married couple in a disco when they spot a bloke spinning jumping and generally enjoying himself on the dance floor

wife nudges husband " see him proposed to me 25 years ago i said no "

husband reply's " looks like hes still celebrating "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 23/01/13 00:10:09]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Duck walks into a bar, and says 'you got any bread?'

Barman says 'no'.

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

Barman cocks his head at him, raises an eyebrow and says 'no'.

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

Barman sighs and says 'no.'

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

Barman says 'look, I don't know if you're trying to be funny, but stop it No. I have no bread.'

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

Barman says 'mate, order a drink or piss off.'

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

Barman says 'LOOK! IF YOU ASK ME ABOUT BREAD AGAIN I'LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE F***ING BAR! NO F***ING BREAD!'

Duck thinks for a moment, then says 'you got any nails?

Barman just stares at it and says coolly, 'no'.

Duck says 'you got any bread?'

excellent!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 23/01/13 00:14:06]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Brilliant!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Am I the only person who is actually quite impressed with Lance Armstrong? Because when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike, let alone ride the fucking thing!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Saw this blonde smashing up and trying to get in her mouth thrm concrete ugly things u see on churches etc i said what you doing she said she had sore throat and was told to gargoyle twice a day

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I took this of another website

HILARIOUS!

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.

What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.'

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give anyanswers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

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By *eminiman61Man
over a year ago

mansfield

A guys fucking this fat bird and he says can we turn the light out please.

Why she asks are you shy or does looking at me turn you off?

Neither he says...... The lightbulbs burning my arse

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

"I ended up with an older woman at a club last night, she looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit (well more than a bit), we had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a "sportsman double"? "Whats that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. "Oh," I said as my mind began to embrace the idea. "No, I haven't." And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place and walked in hoping for the best night of my life. She puts on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"

Lol Love it.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tommorrow.

I rang them today to check the time.

Fucking ten to one.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

lol i forgot this was still going

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

An ambulance due to the fact that he has a rather serious head wound.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

She slapped my face and stormed off. I'm never taking anyone wine tasting again.

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By *ohnny4playMan
over a year ago

Kinross

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My brother did not take going to jail to well. He went on younger strike and smeared excrement all over the walls!

That's the last time Iam playing monopoly with him...!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Police are on the look out for two peadophiles disgusting themselves as workmen clearing snow outside local primary schools, parent have been warned to keep an eye out for jimmy shovel n Gary gritter

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I said to this train driver: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts". Well, YES. That's what I bought them for. You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

The Mrs bought home some KY jelly today and said "This is going to make you really happy tonight!"

Fuck me she was right, I put it all over the door handles and now the fat cow can't get in....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Old lady goes to a dentist sits down, drops panties, and lifts legs, he says ," im not a gynecologist, she says,' i know, i need my husbands teeth back

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

While the weather is getting colder, spare a thought for our feathered friends, they find food very scare this time of year, so when you are out shopping maybe consider getting a bag of nuts, on a cold winters day there is no finer sight than a pair of tits around your nutsack although it may be a little early to expect a swallow!

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

"Old lady goes to a dentist sits down, drops panties, and lifts legs, he says ," im not a gynecologist, she says,' i know, i need my husbands teeth back

I once knew a Dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking , she was known as,

Oral High Jean.....

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By *icky55Man
over a year ago

Warm an cosy cave. Brist

" For fucks sake....Please tell me that someone has checked Tesco's,

'cock-a-leeky-soup'!

wots in the ratatouille??

no Mousaka

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

liking the dentist ones lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a custom made scale replica of my wife's vagina. On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman. After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze.I thought they would've at least fucking wrapped it

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Tesco are giving Treble Points on your club card for all burgers and petrol, starting monday.

The deal is called,

Only Fuel and Horses.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Dear Deardrie, My boyfriends a right dick! He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat cock into my tiny little arsehole, He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck, deep into my bowels.

He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still

constipated. What should I do?

A. Blonde, Essex.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I often attend a secret sex club where we all meet up at a hotel and the guys put their mobile numbers into a hat and then go back to their rooms and wait for a call, while the ladies pick one out.

I was sitting waiting in anticipation to see which horny fuck buddy I'll be getting tonight when my phone finally rang.

"Hi there," I said in my sexiest voice, "If you want some fun I'm in room 101."

"What the fuck are you doing in room 101?" Cried my wife, "You only nipped out to get some milk."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yeah yeah lee evans!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to the chemist and bought three boxes of condoms.

The assistant asked if I needed a bag.

I said no thanks she ain't that ugly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've thought of a great money spinner. I'm going to open a chain of female sex change clinics. I'm calling it "Gashconverters"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

loving the effort peaches lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to be a candle maker but packed it in as it got on my wick

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

thats shite haha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How many mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb ??

Just Juan

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I took this of another website

HILARIOUS!

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.

What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.'

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give anyanswers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

dog walks into the job centre and says"got any jobs",the lady looks in amazement and says"did you just actually speak""yes of course" says the dog."good lord ive never seen anything like it in my life"the dog says"well,have you anything for me then".."come back in 10 minutes"says the woman"im sure i will find you something"the dog returns 10 minutes later and the woman says"ive got you an interview with Billy Smarts circus this afternoon at 2pm"Billy smarts circus"says the dog "what the fuck does he want a plasterer for"

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Asked my missus for a wank last night.

She started rubbing my cock with a keyring

Perhaps it's just me, but I felt like I was being fobbed off!?

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Did you hear about the gay guy who wears a nicotine patch on his penis?

He's down to about three butts a day!

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By *ucsparkMan
over a year ago

dudley

Richard the third holds the record for staying in a car park the longest, second place goes to Peter Odemwingie

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

The author of the book "Childish Retorts" died today.

RIP Ewan Whosarmy

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By *ugartitsandhimCouple
over a year ago

North West

I was going to bed last night as I noticed two people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up. A minute later I rang again. "Hello, I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them"

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the offers said " I thought you said you'd shot them"

To which I replied: I thought you said there was no one available"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I called in sick for work today and said, "Hey, boss! What's the difference between work and your daughter?" ... "I'm not coming into work this morning!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Police in Norfolk have confirmed that they have arrested the man who fell inside a combine harvester after trying to steal it - he is due to be bailed tomorrow....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Am I the only person who is actually quite impressed with Lance Armstrong? Because when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike, let alone ride the fucking thing!

"
pmsl

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

So the vicar fell on hard times and his wife went on the game. At the end of the night she came in with £52.50 who gave you the 50p says the vicar .they all did she answers .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i went to the doctor, he said i should watch what i eat...so ive got tickets for the grand national in april !!!!!

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Husband comes home to find his wife watching a cooking program.

He says "Why you watching that, you can't fucking cook."

to which she replies.... "Well you watch porn."

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By *hynewguy2012Man
over a year ago

dartford

Captain birds eye has a meeting with the pope.

Your holiness, he says

Ill donate 5million pounds for your cause if you change the lords prayer from " give us this day. Our holy bread " to " give us this day, our holy fish"

No no no, says the pope. That is the lords prayer. Its been passed down through the generations, we can't change that.

Ok. 8. Million. Says captian birds eye.

No. I'm sorry it just can not be changed. The pope replies

Ok name your price, says captain birds eye, I just want the one word changed to " give us this day, our daily fish "

After an hour of the meeting the pope returns to his subjects

Gentlemen. I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I have secured us 25 million pounds for our good cause.

One subject says, that's fantastic your holiness! But what's the bad news?

Oh that, replyies the pope,

We've just lost the hovis account! !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife said, "Can you explain why I've just found a pair of womens knickers in your coat pocket?"I said, "Yes I can.....it's because you're a nosey fucking cunt!" lol

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By *atcoupleCouple
over a year ago

Suffolk - East Anglia

""Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt." "

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

"i went to the doctor, he said i should watch what i eat...so ive got tickets for the grand national in april !!!!!

Went to the fridge to check my burgers,

aaaaannndddd they're off....

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

The Government has passed a new bill in parliament. Now Gay men looking for a partner are entitled to more money.

It's called 'Knobseekers Allowance!'

Just letting you know so you can backdate your claim.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

I met my wife on the Tesco Dating Site.

Ended up with a bag for life!

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