FabSwingers.com forum: passing of a loved one

By *ig jugs OP Woman
over a year ago

somewhere

My granpa has just passed away and a I dont really know what to think.He was terminally ill for a long time and I last saw him on new yrs eve when he got home from hosp.he was doing well but took a bad turn on sunday night and rushed into hosp.I was at the hosp today as my own appointment and stood outside icu for a good while wondering whether to go in and see him or not.I was terrified as he was in a bad way, and I remember being there to the end seeing my other granpa die 14 yrs ago.The image still haunts me.So I chose not to go see this granpa today and to remember him as the last time I saw him cheery and happy.I am not racked with guilt .Did I do right thing or was a selfish at being scared to say goodbye..I dread the days to come but at least he went quick and painlessly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What about what he wanted? He mat have wanted someone there like his family? Id have gone. Id have never walked away, sorry.

But thats me....

Sorry for your loss.

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By *ig jugs OP Woman
over a year ago

somewhere

You have to remember I am only the grandchild and that his 11 sons and daughters were al with him,I never walked away from him!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only you would of known what was right for you. I can understand fully wanting to remember him happy nd cheery. Dont pull yourself to pieces about it. You did see him at the start of the year.

I was with my dad when he died. And it wasn't very nice. Took a long while to push that image out of my head.

Such a sad time for you all.x

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By *ig jugs OP Woman
over a year ago

somewhere

"What about what he wanted? He mat have wanted someone there like his family? Id have gone. Id have never walked away, sorry.

But thats me....

Sorry for your loss. "

UNBELIEVABLE,JUDGEMENTAL,ASSUMPTIONS AND UNCALLED FOR!!!!!

Maybe try asking next time.Do you not think im upset enough.Do u think anyone would let someone die alone!!..Get a grip.Where did i say he dies alone? or that I walked away fron him? Or that I was his only family? You have just made me realsie He would not have wanted me haunted by the image layed there today.He was with his wife, sons,and daughters.it was me personally that wanted to see him but terified.I an glad now I didnt go see him and will have good memories with my adoring granpa who I loved very much

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What about what he wanted? He mat have wanted someone there like his family? Id have gone. Id have never walked away, sorry.

But thats me....

Sorry for your loss. "

Very harsh......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hi hun, very sorry for your loss, losing someone you love is never easy. I have never experienced a terminally ill relative so cannot comment on that. People deal with grief in different ways and this may or may not have been the right thing to do for you.. only time will tell. My biggest regret is not seeing my dad after he passed away, he died suddenly and I was so scared about seeing him dead and worried I wouldn't remember how I wanted to, however, I felt like I never said goodbye and have regretted it ever since, at the time I thought it was the right thing to do but in hindsight it wasn't.

You have your memories and he died with family by his side xx

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By *uddlesloves!Woman
over a year ago

Plymouth

Firstly, so sorry for the passing of your grandpa. Never easy at any age. I was 14 when I was staying at my grand parents house when my gran was taken away by ambulance. My last memory is of seeing her from the window going in the old fashioned metal chair. The last time of seeing her alive. Its an image I have never been able to delete, although have millions of fantastic memories to laugh about and enjoy. Also a close friend died aged 29yrs and I kissed his head when I saw him in the chapel and can still see his face now!!, so expected him to sit up as the joker he once was. It is something that I wish I had not of done now. Just kept my memories.

Each person is so different, no one can judge what is right or wrong for you and how you wish to remember your loved one and how you say goodbye. Just be glad that you had him in your life and to share those memories, to laugh to cry, to shout.

Thoughts are with you. x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

im realy sorry for your loss.. it must a very upsetting time for you, my thoughts are with your family and yourself.

i never went to see my grandad went he passed away cus just like yourself i wanted my last memories of him was happy and thats how i wanted to keep it :D. i know everyones different.

like i said just im really sorry for your loss

R.I.P mr grandad (sorry dont know his name) xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You have to remember I am only the grandchild and that his 11 sons and daughters were al with him,I never walked away from him!!

You did nothing wrong, everybody handles these things differently. Your grandfather died knowing you love him, you can say your goodbye at the funeral.

I recently suffered a bereavement, my sister found it comforting to write a letter to be placed in the coffin as she couldn't face being in the hospital at time of death.

My sympathies to you and your family

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You do what feels comfortable for you, it isn't nice seeing someone you love in death, I have seen someone in that state, was incredibly upsetting even though he was my kids friend so I don't think I would do it again. I did go with my kids to see their dad but more for support for them and wasn't upsetting for me at all. Maybe shock has something to do with it ie my kids friend was hit by a car whereas my kids dad was ill in hospital and we knew there was no hope, I cannot answer.

Hugs and kisses at this time for you and your family xx

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By *eryBigGirlWoman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

Sorry to hear about your loss and in my opinion I think you did the right thing. I did go see my grandad right at the very end and if I could go back I'd not do it again. Seeing him like he was still haunts me 9 years later and he had no idea i'd been as he was too far gone by that time!!

You enjoy your happy memories of him to get through this sad time x

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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

"What about what he wanted? He mat have wanted someone there like his family? Id have gone. Id have never walked away, sorry.

But thats me....

Sorry for your loss. "

I don't know if you have personally experienced this but I have, several times. I think your response was unnecessarily callous to someone grieving.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What about what he wanted? He mat have wanted someone there like his family? Id have gone. Id have never walked away, sorry.

But thats me....

Sorry for your loss. "

No need

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So sorry for your loss. From my experience as a nurse, people deal with things differently when a loved one passes, some want to be there, whilst others dont for the reasons you have given. From a personal point, I regret not being with my dad when he passed, I eas on route from wales to nottingham. I had the privelidge to be with daves mum,.as I had made a promise to her, which I kept. Take comfort grom the fact they are no longer suffering, treasure your memories. Hugs to you xx

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By *exyminxxWoman
over a year ago

sexyville

Sorry for your loss. Death is horrible but its a part of life we have to deal with. There's no right or wrong way in choosing whether to say goodbye or whether to remember people how they were in life. Its your personal choice huni. Just don't regret your decision and remember the love and good times. Good luck over the coming days weeks and months xxx

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By *urvyKattWoman
over a year ago

Dumfriesshire

I sat with my grandpa for days when it became obvious it was his final few days in hospital. I was his only grandchild and my mum had already passed away so I was his only direct relative. I had heard that if someone is unconcious then the last thing to go is the hearing so I sat and talked to him about all my childhood memories, I laughed and cried and called him a stubborn old bugger, which he was. I left on the Saturday night and told him that I knew he wanted to go (which he did, he was 89 and could hardly walk and he hated losing his independence and dignity) so it was ok with me. The hospital phoned me at 6.30am on Sunday and said if I wanted to be there then I had about an hour but I asked a nurse to be there instead as I had said my goodbyes to him already and I don't think I wanted my last memories of him to be like that.

So my heart goes out to you, I know exactly where you are coming from and I am so sorry for your loss xxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i lost a partner less than 3 yrs ago - i was with him solid for the last few days of his life- his daughter chose not to see him about 2 weeks earlier as she wanted to remember him at least looking asleep and none of the end things - and that was hard enough for those that way of dealing with it - no right or wrong just how you felt at the moment - your grandad wouldnt want you to spend time worrying about what if - he knew you loved him - is enough xxxxxxxxxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So sorry for your loss, and you do what's right for you. I lost my boyfriend over 4 years ago now he died very unexpectedly in my arms in my house and that will haunt me forever so will the fact I had to go to identify is body, another memory that haunts me at the time I was in total shock of all that had happened and it was nearly six months before it hit me and then I suffered a nervous breakdown. We all react differently and it was your choice and the right one for you, sending virtual hugs and thoughts are with all your family.xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think u did the right thing I lost my little boy aged 7 weeks to cotdeath I went to see him in hospital n the morgue but wished I hasn't as only pic of my son I got in my head is a image I hate so much

I thought it would help seeing him but now I know it was the wrong thing to do xxxxx sorry for your loss xxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My granpa has just passed away and a I dont really know what to think.He was terminally ill for a long time and I last saw him on new yrs eve when he got home from hosp.he was doing well but took a bad turn on sunday night and rushed into hosp.I was at the hosp today as my own appointment and stood outside icu for a good while wondering whether to go in and see him or not.I was terrified as he was in a bad way, and I remember being there to the end seeing my other granpa die 14 yrs ago.The image still haunts me.So I chose not to go see this granpa today and to remember him as the last time I saw him cheery and happy.I am not racked with guilt .Did I do right thing or was a selfish at being scared to say goodbye..I dread the days to come but at least he went quick and painlessly.

you could be describing my reaction to when I lost my last grandparent 20 years ago. My mum asked me if I wanted to go and see him in the chapel of rest but I said no, my last memory of him is sitting round our dining table telling me about his and nan's days in the kibutz in Israel back in the 50s. It still is my last memory of him so I know I made the right choice.

Be easy on yourself Jaqs, you made the right choice too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think u did the right thing I lost my little boy aged 7 weeks to cotdeath I went to see him in hospital n the morgue but wished I hasn't as only pic of my son I got in my head is a image I hate so much

I thought it would help seeing him but now I know it was the wrong thing to do xxxxx sorry for your loss xxxx"

Hugs and kisses to you xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thank u xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Firstly, condolences.

My nan was the most important person in my life. When she died, we had a full Irish wake with an open casket. I chose not to see her as I wanted my visual memory of her to be her laughing in her favourite chair. I have never regretted that decision.

Whatever you choose to do, I hope you find peace in a difficult time x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's your choice on what to do .... personally i would have gone in to see him no matter what images that left in my brain, i have had to face this many times and every time i have made sure i visit, especially when it's close to the end of the life of someone i love.

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By *cottishsexgoddessWoman
over a year ago

Glenrothes

I was 16 when my first grandfather died of a massive heart attack, but was in my 20s when my other papa died. He had been ill for some time and it was heartbreaking watching this lovely man fade away. My last memory of him was seeing a very frail, confused man and image that never leaves me. My mum passed away 6 years ago from lung cancer and I was with her when she went. Whilst I was glad I was with her, it was so hard to see. No one knows how we will deal with the passing of a loved one until it happens to us. My thoughts are with you at this time. There is nothing wrong with remembering him in a positive way.

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By *azzaahhWoman
over a year ago

north wales / chester

When dad died I couldn't bring myself to go see him in chapel of rest ..he had cancer but he died before anyone could get there..hospital was only 15mins away but we all say he died so quick as he didn't want any if us to go through it ..dad was like that ..

I didn't go chapel of rest as like many others here cos want to remember the good times..although I do always remeber him as really poorly in hospital day before he died..pleased I didn't go c.o.r

Rip grandad xx

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

"What about what he wanted? He mat have wanted someone there like his family? Id have gone. Id have never walked away, sorry.

But thats me....

Sorry for your loss. "

That is a terrible thing to say,not only to someone who has just lost a loved one, but in general. NOONE knows how they are going to react until the situation arises.

Big jugs, my deepest sympathies to you, i have just lost my father. He had a heartattack on the 23rd of december and remained in a coma until he died on the 2nd of december.

I went everyday to see him, hoping he would recover. On new years day we had to make the decision to withdraw medication and take him off the ventilater. I stayed with him but he looked terrible, he got to a point where he looked peaceful, thats when i made the decision to leave and come home, he passed away around 5 hours after i left. He had been made comfortable and as dignified as possible.

My sister, made the decision not to visit him at all in the hospital, she wanted to remember him exactly how he was before hand.

No decision is right or wrong, but what i know is, noone makes there decision lightly

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

oh and im going to see my dad today in the chapel of rest so that i dont have that last day as the last image i have of him

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What about what he wanted? He mat have wanted someone there like his family? Id have gone. Id have never walked away, sorry.

But thats me....

Sorry for your loss. "

Have you asked the OP if she was the only family member there when he passed? Does the OP seem that callous to you that she would let him die alone knowing she was standing outside the ICU? I think you've made some huge assumptions here and posted a knee-jerk reaction. Maybe it was due to sad events in your own life, maybe not, but somethings are best left unsaid.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My sister, made the decision not to visit him at all in the hospital, she wanted to remember him exactly how he was before hand.

No decision is right or wrong, but what i know is, noone makes there decision lightly"

I can understand why your sister felt the way she did. I am very close to my mum and even though I don't want a memory of her lying still and lifeless I know I will have that one last chance to see her and then I'll never see her again. I'd have to go. She's still alive and kicking and will be for a good few years to come yet, but I know already how hard it's going to hit me when it happens.

The way we handle the death of a loved one is very much down to the dynamics between the two people concerned and nobody should tell a grieving relative how they should handle things.

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By *els_BellsWoman
over a year ago

with the moon n stars somewhere in gtr manc

"What about what he wanted? He mat have wanted someone there like his family? Id have gone. Id have never walked away, sorry.

But thats me....

Sorry for your loss.

Well said. Not everyone can handle situations like the OP was in.

Personally, I dont think I could have gone in.

Condolances to you and your family OP x

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

"My sister, made the decision not to visit him at all in the hospital, she wanted to remember him exactly how he was before hand.

No decision is right or wrong, but what i know is, noone makes there decision lightly

The way we handle the death of a loved one is very much down to the dynamics between the two people concerned and nobody should tell a grieving relative how they should handle things."

If you had asked someone a few weeks ago how myself and my sister would react to what has just happened, people would have said we would both have reacted th oppisite, she is the one that has fell to peices and cant cope, im the one on overdrive and sorting everything. I havent really cried even, im sure after the funeral it will hit me, where as my sister may start to get back to normality. Emotions are very strange things

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Firstly OP - I'm so sorry for your loss; you did what you felt was right for you, and your grandad and family will respect and understand your decision.

Nobody can ever predict how they will respond to the passing of a loved one. I went to pieces when my lovely grandad left us, but when my brother passed away, it didn't hit me for a few months, probably because I kept it together for my mums sake. I didn't get to say goodbye at hospital as I lived away, but I did when I saw them in their caskets, kissed their head and held hands - my grandad looked like he was sleeping and by baby brother finally looked peaceful, I'm glad I did. My nan on the other hand, was very ill for over a year, she had cancer, there were complications with the op, and she went from a cuddly, gorgeous lady, who loved life, to a 4 stone bag of bones when she lost her battle. Although I watched her throughout the whole thing, my biggest regret is seeing her in the chapel of rest, but at the time it felt right - thankfully, 25 years later, I still remember her smile, her hugs and things we did together, but it took a long time to push away that image in her casket.

You do what is right for you at the time in my opinion

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By *oulou45Woman
over a year ago

Bucks

"You have to remember I am only the grandchild and that his 11 sons and daughters were al with him,I never walked away from him!!

The post was about my feelings and whether I did the right thing not seeing him on his death bed and remebering him of how he was not the carcas lying unconscious.Thanks for helping me make my mind uo that I did do the right thing."
you did what was right for you, when my mum passed away she had my dad,sister and myself with her. My 2 brothers couldn't cope bein there, but didn't mean they loved her any less. Sorry for your loss. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Many years ago a friend of mine lost his grandfather and being from a Scottish family he explained that it was customary (in his family at least) to have the deceased in the house and people visit there to pay their respects. He was very young at the time and he wouldn't go near the open coffin as it scared him, but his mother said to him that if he touched his grandfather's face everything would be ok. He later realised that what she'd done is to let him know that his grandfather was still his grandfather and not a dead body. He was glad he did touch him and he told me that all his memories of his grandad were still intact and that last day when he touched him was something he remembered without any feelings of morbidity.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So sorry for your loss. May your Grandfather RIP x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Many years ago a friend of mine lost his grandfather and being from a Scottish family he explained that it was customary (in his family at least) to have the deceased in the house and people visit there to pay their respects. He was very young at the time and he wouldn't go near the open coffin as it scared him, but his mother said to him that if he touched his grandfather's face everything would be ok. He later realised that what she'd done is to let him know that his grandfather was still his grandfather and not a dead body. He was glad he did touch him and he told me that all his memories of his grandad were still intact and that last day when he touched him was something he remembered without any feelings of morbidity."

Im from an Irish family and we exactly the same as yout Scottish friends family. And have seen many family members laid out at home and still have very fond memories of my departed family members.

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By *ogistical NightmaresCouple
over a year ago

Manchester Area

[Removed by poster at 15/01/13 11:01:09]

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By *etillanteWoman
over a year ago

People react differently to the death of a loved one and NO ONE can say what the correct reaction is.

When my Dad died after being ill for some time, I literally passed out on the floor at the hospital and broke my heart.

My Mum died of cancer after being diagnosed 6 and a half weeks earlier. I held her hand as they turned off the life support system, everyone round me was crying, but I couldn't. I organised everything, I didn't realise at the time like clockwork, 7 weeks later I got so d*unk, I cannot remember what I did, but I just broke down and if it hadn't have been for family members I was within an inch of being put into hospital. It took me almost 12 months to empty her house, because I couldn't let go. My Cousin and Aunt kicked me up the arse to finally part with it. They did a final clean for me, I never went back to that house.

You deal with things how YOU want to, how you feel you can cope, no one can tell you what is right for you, only you can.

My thoughts are with you and anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Only you would of known what was right for you. I can understand fully wanting to remember him happy nd cheery. Dont pull yourself to pieces about it. You did see him at the start of the year.

I was with my dad when he died. And it wasn't very nice. Took a long while to push that image out of my head.

Such a sad time for you all.x "

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By *hole Lotta RosieWoman
over a year ago

Deviant City

Sorry for your loss. You did what was right for you. Best wishes xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

its a hard things when someone passes

its going to hurt and be raw but remember the good memories the laughs and the good times

you will never forget but it will get easier x

best wishes x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP - sorry for you loss, and apologies for one of the comments in this thread which was uncalled for.

The lasting image we have when we lose someone who was such a large figure in our lives is, often, one of the last time we saw them.

I was the only person with my Dad when he died in 1979, due to it being a sudden and (for me and my Mum) unexpected death. It took me YEARS to get over re-running the image of seeing him like that and it took someone saying to me "What if the last time you had seen him was three hours before when you were laughing and joking with him??" and that made me think hard. I had a choice to remember his passing, or remember what made him my Dad.

I blamed myself for years for not being able to 'save' him (which was not going to happen as it was a massive heart attack) but it was when I learned to accept the two things: that I did all I could to help him at the end, and that my lasting image of him was NOT how he died, but how he brought me up, it made it a lot more easy to accept.

Your Grandpa didn't die alone - point 1. Your Grandad, I'm sure, had a lot of happy times with you as you were growing up - they are what matter - point 2.

And.... most importantly.... I am sure your Grandad would NEVER have thought any less of you because you had to face up to feelings which you couldn't overcome in not being able to go in the room - Point 3.

So why are you making yourself feel guilty..?????

Your Grandad will always be your Grandad, and remember him for the man he was.... and let any feelings of guilt go...

Good luck...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What about what he wanted? He mat have wanted someone there like his family? Id have gone. Id have never walked away, sorry.

But thats me....

Sorry for your loss.

UNBELIEVABLE,JUDGEMENTAL,ASSUMPTIONS AND UNCALLED FOR!!!!!

Although I could never Imagine what it is like to lose a Family member, I was a Orphan and never new a family!

But I do know that people deal with things in different ways, and I believe your grandpa would have been happy that you wished to remember him the way he was, and the happy times you shared.

for people to judge someone about their actions in such a traumatic and emotional time and state, is very short sighted.

I am sorry for your loss.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You have to do what is right for you. When Dad died in 2011 my brother decided he couldn't be there for his own reasons and we actually thought my dad was hanging on to see him again in the final stages. He wasn't, he was waiting for his mum and dad to go home. I have no hard feelings towards my brother for not being there, he did what he had to.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ruby Xx

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By *illycarrolCouple
over a year ago

n/cle on tyne

"
very sorry for your loss bigjugs, everybody handles grief different its upto you the main thing is your love for your grandpa comes through, he will not think any less of you he will be looking down smiling and be proud of YOU !!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry for your loss , only you can decide what is right and don't let anyone tell you differant .....

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