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"Hi Jennie Long time listener, first time caller. Sorry to hear you're poorly. My hardy bananas have drooped and gone all soft. Will they grow again? Thanks J" I find that most 'bananas' respond well to a good hoe. A decent hoe will have your bananas standing erect in no time. | |||
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"Owing to Covid (which ironically, she didn't see coming) Jennifer the omniscient is available fur online consultations. Ask her anything, and the answer shall be yours. Jennifer knows all. No subject too obscure (although her quantum physics is a bit rusty!)" Due to a poor diet over the course or a week, I appear to have a pimple from hell on my forehead, will I ever go back to normal, or should I accept my fate, treat it as a separate entity and create its own fab profile. Yours Sincerely, Jay (and Co) | |||
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Will I ever find true love; a good man who just wants to drink hot chocolate and take long walks in the countryside?
Yours
D | |||
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"Owing to Covid (which ironically, she didn't see coming) Jennifer the omniscient is available fur online consultations. Ask her anything, and the answer shall be yours. Jennifer knows all. No subject too obscure (although her quantum physics is a bit rusty!) Due to a poor diet over the course or a week, I appear to have a pimple from hell on my forehead, will I ever go back to normal, or should I accept my fate, treat it as a separate entity and create its own fab profile. Yours Sincerely, Jay (and Co)" Nurture it as you would a precious friend, and once it is straining like a volcano advertise a meet offering one lucky lady the chance to pop it. You will be inundated. And don't worry, the resulting crater will heal. Eventually. | |||
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"Owing to Covid (which ironically, she didn't see coming) Jennifer the omniscient is available fur online consultations. Ask her anything, and the answer shall be yours. Jennifer knows all. No subject too obscure (although her quantum physics is a bit rusty!) Due to a poor diet over the course or a week, I appear to have a pimple from hell on my forehead, will I ever go back to normal, or should I accept my fate, treat it as a separate entity and create its own fab profile. Yours Sincerely, Jay (and Co)" I scrolled up to see if you're near enough for me to pop over for a bit of pimple-popping. You're not | |||
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"Dear Jennie, I'm cursed with a body most supermodels would kill for! Because of this affliction, all my gentleman callers want to do is ravish me until the small hours.
Will I ever find true love; a good man who just wants to drink hot chocolate and take long walks in the countryside?
Yours
D"Not if you approach things in that order. It's long country walks THEN the hot chocolate. You skinny bitch!  | |||
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"Can you tell me why i'm currently sat in a sort of 'round boat' on the river?...also, i forgot my reading glasses " Aha .... very good. Gold star | |||
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"Dear Oracle I appear to have consented to undertake a meeting with a client on site in Hillingdon without sorting out a fee first. Is there any chance I can be recompensed for my time, or should I just post on Fab and see if there is anyone in the area between Uxbridge and my home in North Finchley that might fancy a drink and be able to listen to my never ending whinge? Yours Mr V Meldrew" Just add 10% to the final invoice for additional fees and disbursements. Everyone does that. | |||
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"Dear Jennie, this is a bit embarrassing but I really hope you can support me with an answer as well as with the shame of asking. What size drill should I use for a #4 woodscrew into pine? Do I need to lubricate the thread or is the squealing ok?" I find the squealing is a sign that the drilling is really good. As always, lube, lube and lube some more! | |||
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"Jen, why can I never tell whether to use worse or worst in a sentence?" Go with what feels comfortable ... no one else will know whether you got it right or wrong. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Maybe some low level literary criticism? Certainly nothing worse than that. | |||
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"Dear Jennie why did flop 2 flop when flop 1 didn't flop? Has all the floppiness gone from the forum and entered my husband? Though it didn't seem like it last night I await in anticipation for the oncoming week's and I will take a trip to boots for some Viagra just in case." 2 reasons mainly: 1. Wonko 2. Witchcraft. It is a scientific impossibility for the floppies to transfer to hubby, he has you lying next to him! Phwoarr | |||
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"Dear Jen When is it 'who' and when is it 'whom'? Thank you" Who functions as a subject, while whom functions as an object. Use who when the word is performing the action. Use whom when it is receiving the action. In other words, who is top and whom is bottom | |||
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"Dear Oracle This has troubled me since primary school. Could you please give me the answer? (but I am pretty confident it is not 42). "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck If a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Many thanks in anticipation. HKP" About as much as a wood chuck would chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood | |||
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"Dear Jennie, It occurred to me that you may well be able to furnish me with the answer to that age-old question, "How many boards would a Mongol hoard if a Mongol horde got bored?" I await enlightenment, finally. Yours Skinny B " Mongol hoards never got bored. Too busy with all that conquest stuff. | |||
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"Dear Oracle, I am turning 50 next week, and as we all know, this milestone marks the end of splendid fab journey for many. I would like to know please, what kind of hobby should I commit to next? I am kind of scared of knitting needles and gardening is not my forte. Thank you and looking forward to your response, Dee " Fire juggling or sword swallowing would work well for you. . Alternatively you could try collecting aging unconvincing transvestites | |||
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"Dear Jennie why did flop 2 flop when flop 1 didn't flop? Has all the floppiness gone from the forum and entered my husband? Though it didn't seem like it last night I await in anticipation for the oncoming week's and I will take a trip to boots for some Viagra just in case. 2 reasons mainly: 1. Wonko 2. Witchcraft. It is a scientific impossibility for the floppies to transfer to hubby, he has you lying next to him! Phwoarr" Thank you for putting my mind at ease hope you are feeling better soon.  | |||
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"Dear Jennie why did flop 2 flop when flop 1 didn't flop? Has all the floppiness gone from the forum and entered my husband? Though it didn't seem like it last night I await in anticipation for the oncoming week's and I will take a trip to boots for some Viagra just in case. 2 reasons mainly: 1. Wonko 2. Witchcraft. It is a scientific impossibility for the floppies to transfer to hubby, he has you lying next to him! Phwoarr Thank you for putting my mind at ease hope you are feeling better soon. "Here to serve x | |||
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The mr | |||
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"Jennie, Why is a right angle called a right angle…, or am I just being obtuse..??" That is acute question. It's right because if was a left angle it would be going the wrong way | |||
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"Does this mean you’ve vaccinated the bush. Is it safe to leave the house now.
The mr"Those bloody neighbours of yours gave it to me. I have booked an incinerator for the Bush. | |||
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"Dear Jennie, When I awake in the morning, I have a rather rigid gurly boybit to contend with. I used to be able to push it down with one hand. These days I'm finding I have to use two. So what I want to know is, am I getting stronger or weaker? Yours Skinny B" That very much depends on who's hands you are using | |||
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"Jennie, Why is a right angle called a right angle…, or am I just being obtuse..?? That is acute question. It's right because if was a left angle it would be going the wrong way" So it has to be a right angle or it would be a wrong angle..?? | |||
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"Jennie, Why is a right angle called a right angle…, or am I just being obtuse..?? That is acute question. It's right because if was a left angle it would be going the wrong way So it has to be a right angle or it would be a wrong angle..??" If I may point out here that the angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meat.  | |||
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"Jennie, Why is a right angle called a right angle…, or am I just being obtuse..?? That is acute question. It's right because if was a left angle it would be going the wrong way So it has to be a right angle or it would be a wrong angle..??" Well obvs. | |||
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"Jennie, Why is a right angle called a right angle…, or am I just being obtuse..?? That is acute question. It's right because if was a left angle it would be going the wrong way So it has to be a right angle or it would be a wrong angle..?? If I may point out here that the angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meat. "And also the lust of the thrust | |||
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"Jennie, Why is a right angle called a right angle…, or am I just being obtuse..?? That is acute question. It's right because if was a left angle it would be going the wrong way So it has to be a right angle or it would be a wrong angle..?? If I may point out here that the angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meat.
And also the lust of the thrust"Not to mention the class of the arse. | |||
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"Jennie, Why is a right angle called a right angle…, or am I just being obtuse..?? That is acute question. It's right because if was a left angle it would be going the wrong way So it has to be a right angle or it would be a wrong angle..?? If I may point out here that the angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meat.
And also the lust of the thrust
Not to mention the class of the arse."I am imagining that in a South African accent. It sounds good. The klaas of the aars | |||
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"Owing to Covid (which ironically, she didn't see coming) Jennifer the omniscient is available fur online consultations. Ask her anything, and the answer shall be yours. Jennifer knows all. No subject too obscure (although her quantum physics is a bit rusty!)" Is it illegal to smoke when you have sex? | |||
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"Jennie, Why is a right angle called a right angle…, or am I just being obtuse..?? That is acute question. It's right because if was a left angle it would be going the wrong way So it has to be a right angle or it would be a wrong angle..?? If I may point out here that the angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meat.
And also the lust of the thrust
Not to mention the class of the arse.
I am imagining that in a South African accent. It sounds good.
The klaas of the aars"
Agh no men! Yissis, yoove sussed me out hay? | |||
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"Owing to Covid (which ironically, she didn't see coming) Jennifer the omniscient is available fur online consultations. Ask her anything, and the answer shall be yours. Jennifer knows all. No subject too obscure (although her quantum physics is a bit rusty!)Is it illegal to smoke when you have sex? "Use more lube. This will reduce the friction related heat build up | |||
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"Get well soon, Jennie! I've got the afternoon off but am feeling indecisive - what (who?!) shall I do?" Well ... bang out a couple of hundred FAFs. That should decide it for you. | |||
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"Owing to Covid (which ironically, she didn't see coming) Jennifer the omniscient is available fur online consultations. Ask her anything, and the answer shall be yours. Jennifer knows all. No subject too obscure (although her quantum physics is a bit rusty!)Is it illegal to smoke when you have sex?
Use more lube.
This will reduce the friction related heat build up"i do try and use plenty of WD40 | |||
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"Dear Jennie If you’re being done up the bum, is a poop related accident inevitable or rare? Thanks, your biggest fan "A poo train departing the station can be avoided with thr correct preparation. | |||
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"Oh Jennie, how do I take pictures as sexy as yours? I feel quite inadequate "Take several thousand. One is bound to come out ok. . Make sure he is in the photos too ... that will be bound to up the horn factor. | |||
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"Will I ever find true love? Failing that - someone who will give me a good spanking? "Only once you have learned to love yourself my child. (Said in a mysterious, floaty voice) As for spanking... I'll meet you behind the old co-op. You know, the boarded up one on the high street | |||
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"Will my new fantasy forum story do well or will it flop?" Its actually very good Wonko. It deserves to fly but alas the fiction section is not well attended. | |||
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"Dear Oracle I have returned from my meeting which was with two lovely ladies. These two beauties had adequate protection but would not let me be underneath, consequently they appear to have stayed dry whilst I am soaked. This has to be one of my least enjoyable experiences. Could you please offer advice as to how I might get more pleasure in the future? Yours in expectation Damp squib" Carry an umbrella  | |||
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"Will I ever find true love? Failing that - someone who will give me a good spanking? "My knee is available Bend over when ready | |||
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"Dear Oracle I have returned from my meeting which was with two lovely ladies. These two beauties had adequate protection but would not let me be underneath, consequently they appear to have stayed dry whilst I am soaked. This has to be one of my least enjoyable experiences. Could you please offer advice as to how I might get more pleasure in the future? Yours in expectation Damp squib Carry an umbrella "Indeed. They both had umbrellas whereas mine was in the car. | |||
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"Will I ever find true love? Failing that - someone who will give me a good spanking?
Only once you have learned to love yourself my child. (Said in a mysterious, floaty voice)
As for spanking... I'll meet you behind the old co-op. You know, the boarded up one on the high street"Ah shit!!! Oh well I'll be there in 10 | |||
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"Dear Oracle I have returned from my meeting which was with two lovely ladies. These two beauties had adequate protection but would not let me be underneath, consequently they appear to have stayed dry whilst I am soaked. This has to be one of my least enjoyable experiences. Could you please offer advice as to how I might get more pleasure in the future? Yours in expectation Damp squib" Take an umberella | |||
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"Hello Jenny. I’m not one for blowing my own horn… but if I wanted to, how would I do it? "Get 2 ribs surgically removed and replace your top two vertebra with blue tack | |||
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"Dear Oracle Short time listener, long time waiting on hold caller. I accidentally put marmalade on a red onion and chive toasted bagel. Do I risk potentially the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had in my mouth and think of Cilian Murphy? Or try to pass it off to the neighbours as remnants of an ubereats they have to try cos it’s amazing? " Add some blue cheese and you'll never need Mr Murphy again. Your neighbours will worship you | |||
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"Will i be lonesome tonight? "No. My memory strays to a bright summer day I will kiss you and call you sweet heart | |||
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"Dear Oracle I have returned from my meeting which was with two lovely ladies. These two beauties had adequate protection but would not let me be underneath, consequently they appear to have stayed dry whilst I am soaked. This has to be one of my least enjoyable experiences. Could you please offer advice as to how I might get more pleasure in the future? Yours in expectation Damp squib Carry an umbrella
Indeed. They both had umbrellas whereas mine was in the car."Hence the earlier answer. In future be adequately prepared. Sheesh .... you needing oracle for that?  | |||
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"Dear Jennie I am currently strapping on my favourite fuck me shoes for a fabulous person coming over, but they are not an aging transvestite, nor keen on having their fart box tongue punched. How do I hide my disappointment at such facts during orgasms?" Just conjure up a mental image of any random unconvincing aging transvestite, and whisper (obviously very quietly) "Jennie, Jennie, Jennie"... ahem ... or any other name that may be appropriate. . Because, obvs, that's my name and I dont want to assume. . (But if you whisper Glowup Doll you will turn into a frog. True fact) | |||
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"Your neighbours will worship you" The fact they don’t already is disturbing me when I sit down to read What Rifle. Be right back | |||
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"Your neighbours will worship you The fact they don’t already is disturbing me when I sit down to read What Rifle. Be right back " Remember to hold your breath as you pull the trigger. Makes for a more stable firing platform | |||
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"Dear Jennie If you’re being done up the bum, is a poop related accident inevitable or rare? Thanks, your biggest fan
A poo train departing the station can be avoided with thr correct preparation."You forgot to mention training | |||
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"Will I ever find true love? Failing that - someone who will give me a good spanking?
Only once you have learned to love yourself my child. (Said in a mysterious, floaty voice)
As for spanking... I'll meet you behind the old co-op. You know, the boarded up one on the high street"OK know it all its bad enough amason taking everybody else business. But spanking should left to the professional here you got enough to do . | |||
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"Will I ever find true love? Failing that - someone who will give me a good spanking?
My knee is available
Bend over when ready "Don't you be getting on the act as well | |||
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"Dear Jennie If you’re being done up the bum, is a poop related accident inevitable or rare? Thanks, your biggest fan
A poo train departing the station can be avoided with thr correct preparation.
You forgot to mention training "Jennie forgot nothing. | |||
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"Owing to Covid (which ironically, she didn't see coming) Jennifer the omniscient is available fur online consultations. Ask her anything, and the answer shall be yours. Jennifer knows all. No subject too obscure (although her quantum physics is a bit rusty!)" Dear Auntie Jennie, I’m currently on my second cold in three weeks and it’s a bad one. It’s r0bbed me of my horn and the opportunity to meet dozens of foxy stoats. How do I get past this? Snotty from Didcot | |||
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"Why is cold roast beef so good, but cold roast lamb, not so much?" It's due to the relative fat content. For example... OxonDavina loves the cold cos she's a skinny bitch. Me ... hate it cos I am a porker! | |||
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"Owing to Covid (which ironically, she didn't see coming) Jennifer the omniscient is available fur online consultations. Ask her anything, and the answer shall be yours. Jennifer knows all. No subject too obscure (although her quantum physics is a bit rusty!) Dear Auntie Jennie, I’m currently on my second cold in three weeks and it’s a bad one. It’s r0bbed me of my horn and the opportunity to meet dozens of foxy stoats. How do I get past this? Snotty from Didcot" Try a kinky weasel instead | |||
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"Can I use an oven dish if a recipe calls for a skillet? " Probably better with a frying pan | |||
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"Owing to Covid (which ironically, she didn't see coming) Jennifer the omniscient is available fur online consultations. Ask her anything, and the answer shall be yours. Jennifer knows all. No subject too obscure (although her quantum physics is a bit rusty!) Dear Auntie Jennie, I’m currently on my second cold in three weeks and it’s a bad one. It’s r0bbed me of my horn and the opportunity to meet dozens of foxy stoats. How do I get past this? Snotty from Didcot Try a kinky weasel instead" | |||
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"Can I use an oven dish if a recipe calls for a skillet? Probably better with a frying pan" Yeah I think so too. I'll do first bit in frying pan then transfer to an oven dish for the oven | |||
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"Can I use an oven dish if a recipe calls for a skillet? Probably better with a frying pan Yeah I think so too. I'll do first bit in frying pan then transfer to an oven dish for the oven "Perfect | |||
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"Can I use an oven dish if a recipe calls for a skillet? Probably better with a frying pan Yeah I think so too. I'll do first bit in frying pan then transfer to an oven dish for the oven
Perfect"But remember to pre heat the oven dish | |||
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"Hello Jenny. I’m not one for blowing my own horn… but if I wanted to, how would I do it?
Get 2 ribs surgically removed and replace your top two vertebra with blue tack"I’ll stick to playing piano..  | |||
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"Hello Jenny. I’m not one for blowing my own horn… but if I wanted to, how would I do it?
Get 2 ribs surgically removed and replace your top two vertebra with blue tack
I’ll stick to playing piano.. "You'll need to train your fingers  | |||
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"I'm watching ninja warrior but how many ninjas watched me? "
It's best you don't know | |||
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"Why is cold roast beef so good, but cold roast lamb, not so much? It's due to the relative fat content. For example... OxonDavina loves the cold cos she's a skinny bitch. Me ... hate it cos I am a porker!" Now, I would have thought that, being a porker, Jennie would be well insulated against the cold. Whereas my delicate constitution is easily upset by a chill. This is the reason I need hot men at a times in inclement weather Also, cold lamb is delicious, silly thing a Yours Skinny B | |||
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"Why does my cat get offended by the word pussy?" Bloody militant felinists! | |||
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"Why is cold roast beef so good, but cold roast lamb, not so much? It's due to the relative fat content. For example... OxonDavina loves the cold cos she's a skinny bitch. Me ... hate it cos I am a porker! Now, I would have thought that, being a porker, Jennie would be well insulated against the cold. Whereas my delicate constitution is easily upset by a chill. This is the reason I need hot men at a times in inclement weather Also, cold lamb is delicious, silly thing a Yours Skinny B" I hate you | |||
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"Why is cold roast beef so good, but cold roast lamb, not so much? It's due to the relative fat content. For example... OxonDavina loves the cold cos she's a skinny bitch. Me ... hate it cos I am a porker! Now, I would have thought that, being a porker, Jennie would be well insulated against the cold. Whereas my delicate constitution is easily upset by a chill. This is the reason I need hot men at a times in inclement weather Also, cold lamb is delicious, silly thing a Yours Skinny B I hate you" | |||
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"I'm watching ninja warrior but how many ninjas watched me?
It's best you don't know"ahhhh but the thought of it, them people looking but in secrecy ogling my pics, copying my pics | |||
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"I'm watching ninja warrior but how many ninjas watched me?
It's best you don't knowahhhh but the thought of it, them people looking but in secrecy ogling my pics, copying my pics "Wanking over them whilst screaming Macky macky take it all you bitch. . . . Er. I would imagine  | |||
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"Will I ever find true love? Failing that - someone who will give me a good spanking?
Only once you have learned to love yourself my child. (Said in a mysterious, floaty voice)
As for spanking... I'll meet you behind the old co-op. You know, the boarded up one on the high street
OK know it all its bad enough amason taking everybody else business. But spanking should left to the professional here you got enough to do ."But Jennie knows all! | |||
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"Will I ever find true love? Failing that - someone who will give me a good spanking?
Only once you have learned to love yourself my child. (Said in a mysterious, floaty voice)
As for spanking... I'll meet you behind the old co-op. You know, the boarded up one on the high street
OK know it all its bad enough amason taking everybody else business. But spanking should left to the professional here you got enough to do .
But Jennie knows all!" | |||
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"I'm watching ninja warrior but how many ninjas watched me?
It's best you don't knowahhhh but the thought of it, them people looking but in secrecy ogling my pics, copying my pics
Wanking over them whilst screaming Macky macky take it all you bitch.
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Er. I would imagine "lol hey you can bet some people would be going ape shit at the thought........ Oh my pics they've copied my pics, they've downloaded them to pornhub | |||
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"I'm watching ninja warrior but how many ninjas watched me?
It's best you don't knowahhhh but the thought of it, them people looking but in secrecy ogling my pics, copying my pics
Wanking over them whilst screaming Macky macky take it all you bitch.
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Er. I would imagine lol hey you can bet some people would be going ape shit at the thought........ Oh my pics they've copied my pics, they've downloaded them to pornhub "I recommend people stick them on the mantlepiece to keep the pets away from the fire! | |||
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"Just conjure up a mental image of any random unconvincing aging transvestite, and whisper (obviously very quietly) "Jennie, Jennie, Jennie"... ahem ... or any other name that may be appropriate. . Because, obvs, that's my name and I dont want to assume. . (But if you whisper Glowup Doll you will turn into a frog. True fact)" I promise as I next edge myself into a coma I shall employ your recommended methods  | |||
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"I shall await the rumble of mystic connection" I hear the ticking of the clock Then I look across 5.30 it says Another early wake up day So i come here in but in vain To seek the wisdom of the Orical oh Oracle where oh where Could you be .then I remembered Your perchance for early morning Peepingtom foolery .squat I'm a bush no doublt covid my arse The neighbor's at number 23 say . | |||
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"I shall await the rumble of mystic connection I hear the ticking of the clock Then I look across 5.30 it says Another early wake up day So i come here in but in vain To seek the wisdom of the Orical oh Oracle where oh where Could you be .then I remembered Your perchance for early morning Peepingtom foolery .squat I'm a bush no doublt covid my arse The neighbor's at number 23 say ." Even the omniscient need to sleep! | |||
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"My pussy is constantly rimming himself, should I be jealous?? "Well if you could ... wouldn't you? Try smearing fishpaste on your rusty bullethole and maybe he'll rim you instead | |||
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"My pussy is constantly rimming himself, should I be jealous??
Well if you could ... wouldn't you?
Try smearing fishpaste on your rusty bullethole and maybe he'll rim you instead "I got tuna chunks | |||
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"My pussy is constantly rimming himself, should I be jealous??
Well if you could ... wouldn't you?
Try smearing fishpaste on your rusty bullethole and maybe he'll rim you instead
I got tuna chunks "Oooh kinky | |||
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