FabSwingers.com forum: Imposter Syndrome

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Apologies for the deep and heavy post- feel free to skip by.

I watched the Lewis Capaldi documentary today and he talked about feeling this a lot . He's even written a song about it (which was actually beautiful)

I started to think about my own experiences of this. At work, questioning my skills, knowledge and experience, feeling inadequate in certain situations or like I don't belong, and in relationships when I quickly point out my flaws rather than my good points.

I suppose most people generally expect to have everything figured out by the time they get to a certain point in life but really are we all just winging it and hoping for the best?

Do you ever experience this?

Does it ever hold you back?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Aristotle said the more we know the more we realise we don’t know. Ironically imposter syndrome is a consequence of being good at something, as we instinctively focus on the new (what’s not known).

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By *cottish guy 555Man
over a year ago

London

I have suffered from this my entire life. Doing a job for 25 years and I still expect someone to come and tell me my qualifications were a mistake

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I think nearly everyone is just winging it. The biggest danger comes from people who think they know all there is to know because frequently they don't.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Aristotle said the more we know the more we realise we don’t know. Ironically imposter syndrome is a consequence of being good at something, as we instinctively focus on the new (what’s not known). "

I love this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's something I have dealt with and at times still do

When I did work I was good at my job no matter what my boss said. But his comments and treatment made me feel as if was a fraud and would be found out.

I also had nightmares about having failed my exams and not having the qualifications I earned.

It has affected me since as don't feel qualified or suitable for any job.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What I don’t know I don’t know. Happy to pick up new skills

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think nearly everyone is just winging it. The biggest danger comes from people who think they know all there is to know because frequently they don't.

Yes . My aunt always told me intelligent people question themselves to improve. It is only diots and fools who are always sure of themselves.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I have suffered from this my entire life. Doing a job for 25 years and I still expect someone to come and tell me my qualifications were a mistake

I can appreciate that I still worry when I'm expected to make decisions

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am killed with this at times, I'm literally at the top of my field of expertise, by a fair bit with over 20 years of experience and study put into it and still when i hear something new or someone does something even small a little better or differently than i do i question if im really as competent at all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

MrCurious.

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By *otsossieMan
over a year ago

local, but not too local

Really relate to this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've probably felt this in every job I've had. At the beginning where I fear I won't pick up the work and understand it quickly enough and people will think I'm not good at my job and whenever I've been given a pay rise or promotion as I've always felt I then needed to justify that pay rise or promotion rather than getting it because I deserved it.

I've definitely felt it on Fab too, especially going to clubs where I feel as though someone will realise that I don't belong and I'm not suitable for anyone there.

It's easy to tell yourself that you are enough, but putting into action is another thing entirely.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It's something I have dealt with and at times still do

When I did work I was good at my job no matter what my boss said. But his comments and treatment made me feel as if was a fraud and would be found out.

I also had nightmares about having failed my exams and not having the qualifications I earned.

It has affected me since as don't feel qualified or suitable for any job. "

I'm sorry to hear that. I think its so tricky trying to shut out doubts because often the negative stuff seems easier to believe.

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By *hePerkyPumpkinTV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol

So remarkably true.

I remember being about 15 years old and felt like I knew pretty much everything I needed to know about playing guitar/music

So naïve.

It wasn't until I learned a bit more and gained some understanding that I began to realise just how little I knew.

Every time you reach a new level of understanding you open up the door to new room filled with knowledge.

If you feel like you know it all, it probably means you're on the verge of realising you knew nothing

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I am killed with this at times, I'm literally at the top of my field of expertise, by a fair bit with over 20 years of experience and study put into it and still when i hear something new or someone does something even small a little better or differently than i do i question if im really as competent at all. "

It's scary how much it can impact on us and then it nips away if we don't catch it in time x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've probably felt this in every job I've had. At the beginning where I fear I won't pick up the work and understand it quickly enough and people will think I'm not good at my job and whenever I've been given a pay rise or promotion as I've always felt I then needed to justify that pay rise or promotion rather than getting it because I deserved it.

I've definitely felt it on Fab too, especially going to clubs where I feel as though someone will realise that I don't belong and I'm not suitable for anyone there.

It's easy to tell yourself that you are enough, but putting into action is another thing entirely."
can totally relate to all of that!

I'm always convinced my facade of capability will fall down

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By *.T.Man
over a year ago

Belfast

I've been guessing and making things work on the fly all my career. I'm either good at it (which I don't believe) or lucky.

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By *hekaiserMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Yes I do.....every damn day I walk into work with that feeling "today is the day they find out you lied about your experience/knowledge...be prepared to get sacked"

I spend the day with that thought lingering in thr back of my mind whilst trying to get on with my job.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life

The most interesting people I know

Didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives

Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't

The lines above from Wear Sunscreen by Baz Luhrmann spring to mind.

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By *avinaTVTV/TS
over a year ago

Transsexual Transylvania

It's terrible. I feel it all the time. I feel like I'm a novice in my field (I'm a senior software engineer with nearly 30 years' experience). I feel like people with kids are older than me and know more (my daughter is 21). I feel like an immature kid amongst people my own age. I feel like a redundant old fart amongst younger people. I felt like I was lucky to be married to my wife and always felt like I hadn't done enough for her, despite her support and reassurance.

In short, I feel like a fraud half the time.

The fact is, we're all just making it up as we go along. The older I get, the more I realise how much I don't know.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not so much work but definitely with friends and relationships. I’ve lost touch with so many friends because sometimes I can’t fathom why they’d want to be friends with me in the first place or I feel like I don’t fit in with them at all. I always feel like the odd one out in a room and it’s a horrible feeling.

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

I've felt it all my life, in work and in my personal life. Like I know im not good enough, I'm totally winging it, or I'm just waiting for my friends to realise that actually I'm bloody boring and not worth their time.

Some of it comes from me, but a lot of it comes from outside influences from a very young age.

It is horrendous having these feelings, and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. But sometimes it is nice to know that it isn't just you feeling that way. That actually some of the best people you know, some of the most seemingly "together" people you know, are actually feeling that way too.

That feeling these things is actually more normal than we feel it is

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hope you don't mind OP I messaged directly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

https://www.mentalhealthjournal.org/articles/commentary-prevalence-predictors-and-treatment-of-imposter-syndrome-a-systematic-review.html

^^ intresting read, I found during lv 4 of my degree

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By *ris GrayMan
over a year ago

Dorchester

"Apologies for the deep and heavy post- feel free to skip by.

I watched the Lewis Capaldi documentary today and he talked about feeling this a lot . He's even written a song about it (which was actually beautiful)

I suppose most people generally expect to have everything figured out by the time they get to a certain point in life but really are we all just winging it and hoping for the best?

Do you ever experience this?

Does it ever hold you back?

"
No i guess its down to confidence, confidence in your abilities but guess you are right about the winging it bit, i just try and be happy and move on to the next experience but i never doubt my ability some things don't work out as well as others mind

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By *cottish guy 555Man
over a year ago

London

"Not so much work but definitely with friends and relationships. I’ve lost touch with so many friends because sometimes I can’t fathom why they’d want to be friends with me in the first place or I feel like I don’t fit in with them at all. I always feel like the odd one out in a room and it’s a horrible feeling. "

Yep. That's the non work related aspect for me too

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've been guessing and making things work on the fly all my career. I'm either good at it (which I don't believe) or lucky. "

I've realised I can wing everything in my life except my eyeliner

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By *orphia2003Woman
over a year ago

Tonypandy.

Everyday in some way or another. The only way I found to come to terms with it, is just to tell myself everyone is winging it.

Then occasionally my expertise will raise its head, and I think,' actually, I'm bloody good at this'.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I understand this. I don't see my friends nearly enough so when I do I'm usually plagued with anxiety over things. However once I'm there I'm lucky they always make me feel better.

People i don't know as well though can be a really draining experience sometimes. Hugs lovely (hug)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As a (wannabe) landscape photographer, I have quite a bit of imposter syndrome. I get compliments but I don't take them well and I'm a million miles away from being 'good'. Rarely do I take a photo and think "yeah, this is ok".

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've felt it all my life, in work and in my personal life. Like I know im not good enough, I'm totally winging it, or I'm just waiting for my friends to realise that actually I'm bloody boring and not worth their time.

Some of it comes from me, but a lot of it comes from outside influences from a very young age.

That feeling these things is actually more normal than we feel it is

I think that's why I wanted to write this . So people know they aren't alone in feeling this way . I think it's something everyone experiences to some degree at points in their life .

It's also worth noting that someone probably looks at you and wishes they were like you .

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

Some of it comes from me, but a lot of it comes from outside influences from a very young age.

That feeling these things is actually more normal than we feel it is

I think that's why I wanted to write this . So people know they aren't alone in feeling this way . I think it's something everyone experiences to some degree at points in their life .

It's also worth noting that someone probably looks at you and wishes they were like you .

I think you're lovely for all sorts of reasons, and sharing this is simply the latest in that lust

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm still figuring out what I want from life. I reckon I pretty much wing it 95% of the time.

Sometimes I feel like people have a higher opinion of me than they really should.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It's terrible. I feel it all the time. I feel like I'm a novice in my field (I'm a senior software engineer with nearly 30 years' experience). I feel like people with kids are older than me and know more (my daughter is 21). I feel like an immature kid amongst people my own age. I feel like a redundant old fart amongst younger people. I felt like I was lucky to be married to my wife and always felt like I hadn't done enough for her, despite her support and reassurance.

In short, I feel like a fraud half the time.

The fact is, we're all just making it up as we go along. The older I get, the more I realise how much I don't know. "

The fact you question what you know could be seen as wisdom. A trait that not many actually have

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By *estarossa.Woman
over a year ago

Flagrante

I find this in large group situations, but not one to one

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm still figuring out what I want from life. I reckon I pretty much wing it 95% of the time.

Sometimes I feel like people have a higher opinion of me than they really should. "

I'm nearly 40 and still don't know what I want to do when I grow up.

I think that's OK.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm still figuring out what I want from life. I reckon I pretty much wing it 95% of the time.

Sometimes I feel like people have a higher opinion of me than they really should. "

I'm 48 and only just recently figured out what I want.

I find it easier to take a nihilistic view and remember that nothing matters so just do whatever it is you enjoy and don't worry so much.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"As a (wannabe) landscape photographer, I have quite a bit of imposter syndrome. I get compliments but I don't take them well and I'm a million miles away from being 'good'. Rarely do I take a photo and think "yeah, this is ok"."

Compliments are something I think lots struggle with. I know I certainly do .

We are always our own harshest critic

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By *edeWoman
over a year ago

the abyss

This is me in a nutshell. It's stops me with everything, going for jobs, messaging people I like, basically trying for anything that I think I don't deserve.

It's rubbish as I know there is experiences/jobs I have probably missed out on because of my own feelings of insecurity or not deserving it.

And I don't deal with it

Some days are better than others - I just try and make sure I make the most of the good days

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Compliments are something I think lots struggle with. I know I certainly do .

We are always our own harshest critic "

Always have to remember that beauty / talent is in the eye of the beholder! But I find it very hard to trust someone else's opinion PMSL

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By *4bimMan
over a year ago

Farnborough Hampshire

"This is me in a nutshell. It's stops me with everything, going for jobs, messaging people I like, basically trying for anything that I think I don't deserve.

It's rubbish as I know there is experiences/jobs I have probably missed out on because of my own feelings of insecurity or not deserving it.

And I don't deal with it

Some days are better than others - I just try and make sure I make the most of the good days

Fascinating

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is me in a nutshell. It's stops me with everything, going for jobs, messaging people I like, basically trying for anything that I think I don't deserve.

It's rubbish as I know there is experiences/jobs I have probably missed out on because of my own feelings of insecurity or not deserving it.

And I don't deal with it

Some days are better than others - I just try and make sure I make the most of the good days

Do it anyway, regardless of what "it" is. Seriously, whats the worse that can happen other than getting the outcome you were expecting anyway?

I have a problem with the word "deserve" as I'd like to think that nobody deserves anything which is kinda freeing in an odd way.

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By *edeWoman
over a year ago

the abyss

"This is me in a nutshell. It's stops me with everything, going for jobs, messaging people I like, basically trying for anything that I think I don't deserve.

It's rubbish as I know there is experiences/jobs I have probably missed out on because of my own feelings of insecurity or not deserving it.

And I don't deal with it

Some days are better than others - I just try and make sure I make the most of the good days

Do it anyway, regardless of what "it" is. Seriously, whats the worse that can happen other than getting the outcome you were expecting anyway?

I have a problem with the word "deserve" as I'd like to think that nobody deserves anything which is kinda freeing in an odd way."

I do agree with that to be fair and I am trying to do more of that on the good days. Not so easy on the not so good days.

Deserve may have been the wrong word choice but couldn't think. Maybe not good enough or 'worthy' is more suitable

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is me in a nutshell. It's stops me with everything, going for jobs, messaging people I like, basically trying for anything that I think I don't deserve.

It's rubbish as I know there is experiences/jobs I have probably missed out on because of my own feelings of insecurity or not deserving it.

And I don't deal with it

Some days are better than others - I just try and make sure I make the most of the good days

Do it anyway, regardless of what "it" is. Seriously, whats the worse that can happen other than getting the outcome you were expecting anyway?

I have a problem with the word "deserve" as I'd like to think that nobody deserves anything which is kinda freeing in an odd way.

I do agree with that to be fair and I am trying to do more of that on the good days. Not so easy on the not so good days.

Deserve may have been the wrong word choice but couldn't think. Maybe not good enough or 'worthy' is more suitable

Ah "worthy" the great humbler of us all and there's nothing wrong with being humble.

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By *edeWoman
over a year ago

the abyss

"This is me in a nutshell. It's stops me with everything, going for jobs, messaging people I like, basically trying for anything that I think I don't deserve.

It's rubbish as I know there is experiences/jobs I have probably missed out on because of my own feelings of insecurity or not deserving it.

And I don't deal with it

Some days are better than others - I just try and make sure I make the most of the good days

Do it anyway, regardless of what "it" is. Seriously, whats the worse that can happen other than getting the outcome you were expecting anyway?

I have a problem with the word "deserve" as I'd like to think that nobody deserves anything which is kinda freeing in an odd way.

I do agree with that to be fair and I am trying to do more of that on the good days. Not so easy on the not so good days.

Deserve may have been the wrong word choice but couldn't think. Maybe not good enough or 'worthy' is more suitable

Ah "worthy" the great humbler of us all and there's nothing wrong with being humble."

Again I agree. But sometimes it can stop you from doing things you really want to which is not so good. Work in progress

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Again I agree. But sometimes it can stop you from doing things you really want to which is not so good. Work in progress

Would I be being pushy if I asked what those things are?

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

All the time. I know an awful lot about a couple of things, and so I'm painfully aware of how little I know about the vast majority of things.

The amount of knowledge there is out there is staggering and humbling.

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By *ose-tinted GlassesMan
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

One of the moments I consider pivotal in life is that eye-opening revelation that - holy shit! Everybody’s just winging it! The people in charge are just people. Your parents? Winging it. Politicians? Winging it every day. The NASA technicians sending Apollo 11 to the moon? Fucking winging it on an epic scale.

Expertise is a thing. Skills are a thing. Experience is a thing. But nobody, anywhere, is really in charge and really in full control.

And that’s okay.

That’s the important part to really understand and internalise. That it’s okay for everyone everywhere to be winging it. It’s normal. And it’s because that means absolutely everything is built on *hope*.

Like Idlewild said: Hope is important.

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By *uicy 2020Woman
over a year ago

London

Thank you so much for this thread OP. I feel this so strongly, and always have. The job Ive been in for 13 years is coming to an end and I need to look for something new. I have no idea what I want to do, and feel that I wont be able to do any of the jobs I think of. I have plenty of qualifications, but have no idea how I managed to get them, and am always scared that I will be found out as a fraud. Im turning 40 soon but have no idea what I am doing in any aspect of life. I feel that all my peers are far more grown up than me and that they all know what they are doing.

It feels like I am the only person who feels this way. So it is wonderful to read that I am not alone. Thank you all who have shared x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"One of the moments I consider pivotal in life is that eye-opening revelation that - holy shit! Everybody’s just winging it! The people in charge are just people. Your parents? Winging it. Politicians? Winging it every day. The NASA technicians sending Apollo 11 to the moon? Fucking winging it on an epic scale.

Expertise is a thing. Skills are a thing. Experience is a thing. But nobody, anywhere, is really in charge and really in full control.

And that’s okay.

Like Idlewild said: Hope is important."

This ^^

ANd to know everyone is winging it, even when it looks like they're not, is both terrifying and liberating. We're all in this together!

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

I think to feel it on occasion is probably fairly normal.

But perhaps not so much if feeling it regularly in relation to different aspects of life.

That sounds exhausting and self limiting

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By *archelCouple
over a year ago

A field somewhere

This is exactly how I feel.

I've been in my current role just over a year. I gained my qualification for what I do now.

Initially I was looking for an assistant managerial position to be able to learn from someone more experienced, but I was thrown straight in to a senior manager role, and am now being given project management tasks on a daily basis.

There are plenty of things I can do, and want to learn, but at times it seems a bit overwhelming, but the directors must think I'm doing something right to push project management on to me.

Speaking of which, I have a completion and sequencing program to write tonight, so I had better knuckle down and get it written ready for morning!

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By *ife NinjaMan
over a year ago

Dunfermline

Oh here. Am I a swinger? Probably not, but I love female company, being cheeky and hot tubs

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By *otsossieMan
over a year ago

local, but not too local

There’s probably some AI big data deep mining robot psych profiler out there pointing at my posts and laughing.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

I have so much imposter syndrome.

I am very good at what I do for work, for example. I am diligent and knowledgeable, and have a natural talent for building the sorts of relationships that will allow me to succeed.

I've been headhunted and previous managers have created jobs for me when they've moved companies because they know what I can bring.

I also had to ask my manager in my current role not to message me anything vague like "I need 5 minutes with you" or "can I put 20 minutes in to catch up?" because I immediately go into a complete blind panic and think she's realised I don't know what I'm doing and I'm generally rubbish, and she'll turn up with HR to give me my marching orders. It panics me to the point of feeling nauseated, every single time.

Instead I've asked her to message "I need 5 minutes to discuss X", where it's obvious the purpose of the meeting and that it's nothing to do with my performance.

While rational me points to my achievements and all the evidence, emotional me has no idea how the hell I fell into this life, what the hell I'm doing and how the hell I'm going to blag it convincingly enough that nobody will question too closely.

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