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By *iKent OP   Man
over a year ago

Kent

So I'm married and happy but missing the fun and intimacy of time spent with a woman. Complications after our second child meant sex was painful for my wife leading eventually to a hysterectomy. But she still doesn't like me getting too intimate, fear its still going to be painful. Now early menopause is in the mix too. After a long abstinence my mind has wandered and I found here.

Is it wrong to consider some discreet fun elsewhere to find what is missing, ease the frustration it gives me and indirectly my wife?

Just thought I'd pose the question I'm asking myself.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Talk to her about it

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By *he_Secret_GardenWoman
over a year ago

Naughty Lane


"So I'm married and happy but missing the fun and intimacy of time spent with a woman. Complications after our second child meant sex was painful for my wife leading eventually to a hysterectomy. But she still doesn't like me getting too intimate, fear its still going to be painful. Now early menopause is in the mix too. After a long abstinence my mind has wandered and I found here.

Is it wrong to consider some discreet fun elsewhere to find what is missing, ease the frustration it gives me and indirectly my wife?

Just thought I'd pose the question I'm asking myself."

How about talk to her and tell how it makes you feel?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Talk to her about it "

This

But also ask yourself the question, with all the problems she's had/having she will already be mentally scarred. What would finding out you're also cheating on her do to her mental state on top of everything else?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

There are so many ways to be intimate without penetration. Could you agree between you to remove that from the equation altogether and enjoy all the other ways of giving each other pleasure? If your wife knows that there's no pressure on her to have full sex she might relax more. I'm guessing she's missing the fun and intimacy just as much as you.

Good luck to you both

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By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8


"Talk to her about it

This

But also ask yourself the question, with all the problems she's had/having she will already be mentally scarred. What would finding out you're also cheating on her do to her mental state on top of everything else? "

I came here to say this.

Imagine the person you love most in the whole world, who you thought was your rock and partner - not least in supporting her through such incredibly difficult times - has thought (basically) “I still need to get me some. Stuff it, I’ll cheat on her and get some strange online”.

If that happened to me the bottom would drop out of my world. I’d feel more than devastated - abandoned and betrayed.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
over a year ago

Carlisle usually


"Talk to her about it

This

But also ask yourself the question, with all the problems she's had/having she will already be mentally scarred. What would finding out you're also cheating on her do to her mental state on top of everything else?

I came here to say this.

Imagine the person you love most in the whole world, who you thought was your rock and partner - not least in supporting her through such incredibly difficult times - has thought (basically) “I still need to get me some. Stuff it, I’ll cheat on her and get some strange online”.

If that happened to me the bottom would drop out of my world. I’d feel more than devastated - abandoned and betrayed. "

All of this.

Bringing it up to her is going to hurt her if shes not receptive to it. But it's better to be honest and try to find a way forward together than to hurt her so much more when she finds out later that you didn't even care enough to be honest and let her make an informed decision.

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By *hrista BellendWoman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

Have a look at soft play celebrating her and have a honest chat with your wife

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By *iKent OP   Man
over a year ago

Kent

Thanks all. Great advice.

Have tried bringing it up and to talk about it, gets shut down all the time. 'Not appropriate', 'too tired', 'let's talk about this another time'.

It's also not necessarily about sex, as someone said, there's other ways to be intimate. Just not finding it's happening at all. We might kiss and cuddle at times when out and about, snuggle on the sofa when watching tv/film as a family...but as soon as just the two of us...heads to bed/dozes off. Just feeling like am losing something, that we're great friends more than a couple, will keep going as am and hopefully it'll change one day. Just been a very long road so far and feel like I've run out of steam, need an outlet so to speak...so thanks for reading/listening.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Thanks all. Great advice.

Have tried bringing it up and to talk about it, gets shut down all the time. 'Not appropriate', 'too tired', 'let's talk about this another time'.

It's also not necessarily about sex, as someone said, there's other ways to be intimate. Just not finding it's happening at all. We might kiss and cuddle at times when out and about, snuggle on the sofa when watching tv/film as a family...but as soon as just the two of us...heads to bed/dozes off. Just feeling like am losing something, that we're great friends more than a couple, will keep going as am and hopefully it'll change one day. Just been a very long road so far and feel like I've run out of steam, need an outlet so to speak...so thanks for reading/listening. "

Can I just say that not being able to have full sex with the man you love is a bitter blow to one's femininity and confidence. It doesn't matter how hard you try to hide the fact that you're disappointed she will probably have picked up on it and feel that she's letting you down.

As I said earlier good luck to you both

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds


"Thanks all. Great advice.

Have tried bringing it up and to talk about it, gets shut down all the time. 'Not appropriate', 'too tired', 'let's talk about this another time'.

It's also not necessarily about sex, as someone said, there's other ways to be intimate. Just not finding it's happening at all. We might kiss and cuddle at times when out and about, snuggle on the sofa when watching tv/film as a family...but as soon as just the two of us...heads to bed/dozes off. Just feeling like am losing something, that we're great friends more than a couple, will keep going as am and hopefully it'll change one day. Just been a very long road so far and feel like I've run out of steam, need an outlet so to speak...so thanks for reading/listening.

Can I just say that not being able to have full sex with the man you love is a bitter blow to one's femininity and confidence. It doesn't matter how hard you try to hide the fact that you're disappointed she will probably have picked up on it and feel that she's letting you down.

As I said earlier good luck to you both "

I totally agree with this, it's hard on both sides, but if you care about her please just say I'm sorry but I need to look for sex elsewhere and hope you can accept it, don't lie and deceive, it's hard enough without noticing your attention is spent elsewhere.

You either agree a compromise or end it, either way honesty is always best.

Mrs

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"Thanks all. Great advice.

Have tried bringing it up and to talk about it, gets shut down all the time. 'Not appropriate', 'too tired', 'let's talk about this another time'.

It's also not necessarily about sex, as someone said, there's other ways to be intimate. Just not finding it's happening at all. We might kiss and cuddle at times when out and about, snuggle on the sofa when watching tv/film as a family...but as soon as just the two of us...heads to bed/dozes off. Just feeling like am losing something, that we're great friends more than a couple, will keep going as am and hopefully it'll change one day. Just been a very long road so far and feel like I've run out of steam, need an outlet so to speak...so thanks for reading/listening. "

Try to find a time for a serious conversation. Empathise with her, but also explain your needs. You need to engage.

Going behind her back will do nothing for the health of your relationship, even if it feels good in the short term.

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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago

Calderdale innit

Op sit and tell her how it's making you feel and ask if she will give you permission to seek sex elsewhere

It could be the end of the line if you cheat and she finds out,it's very soul destroying to be the one on the receiving end I imagine.

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By *ris GrayMan
over a year ago

Dorchester


"So I'm married and happy but missing the fun and intimacy of time spent with a woman. Complications after our second child meant sex was painful for my wife leading eventually to a hysterectomy. But she still doesn't like me getting too intimate, fear its still going to be painful. Now early menopause is in the mix too. After a long abstinence my mind has wandered and I found here.

Is it wrong to consider some discreet fun elsewhere to find what is missing, ease the frustration it gives me and indirectly my wife?

Just thought I'd pose the question I'm asking myself."
If you tell her you're here you're damned if you don't you're damned if you try and work it out you're damned.......... So basically you're damned, you can't win a tragic situation to be in, i think if you can talk to her to at least let her know how you feel she might understand

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