FabSwingers.com forum: Dad jokes

By *atthew78 OP Man
over a year ago

Winsford

Let's see if we can raise a few spirits,smiles and share a few laughs with the best and worst dad jokes

"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call bears with no ears?

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By *vilgasamWoman
over a year ago

The dot in the i

I used to tap dance but had to stop…kept falling off

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By *eeglos94Man
over a year ago

Gloucester

Did you know Ireland has the fastest-growing capital in Europe...

it's Dublin every day

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By *asper1987Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Knocking at a bastard’s door:

Knock Knock?

Who’s there?

Not your Dad!

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By *es_salopesCouple
over a year ago

Hampshire

Did you hear about the explosion at the French cheese factory?

The was da brie everywhere!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man drove past me in his BMW and threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought to myself "That's mature!"

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By *he_Secret_GardenWoman
over a year ago

Naughty Lane

"A man drove past me in his BMW and threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought to myself "That's mature!""

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Seaside Sussex

What do you get when you cross a member of the rabbit family with a steamroller?

Compressed Hare

What do you get if you pour boiling water into a rabbit hole?

Hot, cross bunnies

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two fish swam into a wall. Damn!

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By *es_salopesCouple
over a year ago

Hampshire

"A man drove past me in his BMW and threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought to myself "That's mature!""

How dairy!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to play the triangle in a musical band but had to leave.

It was just one ting after another.

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By *weet and SpiceCouple
over a year ago

Around the Midlands

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right

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By *rder66Man
over a year ago

Tatooine

Patient: "doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones"

Doctor: "Its not unusual"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?

Sofishticated

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't know what the best thing is about Switzerland, but the flag is a big plus

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you get a country girl’s attention?

A tractor.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?

Yellow

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Seaside Sussex

What is the anphibians' favourite hobby?

Frogtography

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By *r_PinkMan
over a year ago

london stratford

I say I say I say.............

whats the difference between the people of Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

Drum roll please **********

the people of Dubai do not like the Flintstone but the people of Abu Dhabi doooooooooooooooooooooo!

I thank qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq

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By *lueFireCouple
over a year ago

just somewhere around here

My dutch girlfriend had a inflatable shoe fetish, sadly she's dead now.

Popped her clogs

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By *inell1Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

My wife laughed when I said i would make a car from spaghetti...she stopped laughing when i drove pasta

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By *.T.Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "got any bread?"

No, he replies.

The duck goes on

"got any bread"

"Got any bread?"

this goes on for five minutes then the barman snaps

"If you ask if I have any bread one more time, I swear I'll nail that beak to the bar!"

The duck, somewhat taken aback,quietly supped his pint.

5 minutes past and the duck says:

"can I have a pint of lager and a packet of nails"

"Sorry" said the barman, "I'm fresh out of nails"

GOT ANY BREAD?

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By *nonymous95-2Woman
over a year ago

Northwich

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A labra-cadabra-dor.

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By *ts the taking part thatMan
over a year ago

southampton

"I used to tap dance but had to stop…kept falling off

"Kept falling into the sink".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I heard Cadburys is bringing out a new oriental themed chocolate bar it's a?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Where do you go to learn how to make a banana split?

Sundae school

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I heard Cadburys is bringing out a new oriental themed chocolate bar it's a? "

Chinese Wispa

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By *r_PinkMan
over a year ago

london stratford

why did George Micheal get chocolate on his shirt?

he was careless with his whisper

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By *ustafasinghMan
over a year ago

leicester

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where’s my tractor?!

Has me cracking up everytime without fail

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Seaside Sussex

It's the summer of 1953 and Edmund Hillary is about to set foot on the summit of Everest.....

Just as he's about to take his final step onto the top of the world, he feels he safety rope tighten and pull him back.

So he turns around to the Sherpa Guide who's him and says....

"STOP THAT Tenzing!"

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By *valanche1001Man
over a year ago

Leeds

Why did the punk cross the road?

He was stapled the chicken

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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago

Chinese Takeaway near you

Girl on tinder asked why I had an unlit cigarette in one of my pictures?

Told her I'm still looking for a match

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By *den-Valley-coupleCouple
over a year ago

Cumbria

Magic tractor turned into a field

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By *escourtesMan
over a year ago

hereford

Theres a squid lying on the sea bed feeling ill...a whale swims up and says you ok mate?squid says no im feeling poorly could you drag me up to the surface so I can get some oxygen?..whales towing squid up to the surface when he sees his mate Charlie..he yells oi Charlie heres that six quid I owe you...

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By *it-chrissyTV/TS
over a year ago

sw. london

whats the difference between an elephant and a plum ?

plums are purple

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By *it-chrissyTV/TS
over a year ago

sw. london

what did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill ?

here come the elephants

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By *it-chrissyTV/TS
over a year ago

sw. london

what did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill ?

here come the plums.

(she was colour-blind)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to tell dad jokes. …..

But he never laughed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You hear about the explosion in the cheese factory?

Nothing left but de brie

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By *issTinyWoman
over a year ago

omagh

My eldest said to my Dad one time “Where do you find a dead cow?”…”Exactly where you left it”

Poor man is still laughing

"What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where’s my tractor?!

Has me cracking up everytime without fail"

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By *arktightsMan
over a year ago

banchory

My wife says there are two things she doesn’t like about me

I never listen to what she says

and something else she was banging on about…

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By *ustmeatMan
over a year ago

coming or going?

What’s got 6 legs and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A snooker table.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I broke two of my dad’s records. Now I want to break three….

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

I've got a mate who's half Indian

I call him ian

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you know my penis was once in the Guinness book of records…

until the librarian asked me to take it out

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

A mate of mine told me,

‘Last night me and the missus watched two DVD’s back to back,’

He said,

‘Luckily I was the one facing the tv’

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By *hristopherd999Man
over a year ago

Brentwood

Two fish in a tank, one was driving and the other manned the guns

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A mate of mine told me,

‘Last night me and the missus watched two DVD’s back to back,’

He said,

‘Luckily I was the one facing the tv’"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I used to tell dad jokes. …..

But he never laughed. "

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Seaside Sussex

'just remembered an old favourite:

A horse goes into a bar. The barman takes one look at him and says " Why the long face?"

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By *hePerkyPumpkinTV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol

A dog limps in to a saloon

"I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw"

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By *amera man 25Man
over a year ago

Honley Huddersfield

“Politically incorrect” but …

Q. “How do you get a fat bird into bed?”

A. “Piece of cake!”

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By *olbornsubguyMan
over a year ago

london

"A man drove past me in his BMW and threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought to myself "That's mature!""

I’m dying to tweak that one: “I thought, ‘well, thats immature’ “

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By *ldFashionedGentMan
over a year ago

Chelmsford

I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.

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By *ldFashionedGentMan
over a year ago

Chelmsford

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a man standing in leaves? Russell.

Anytime its half two saying you need to go to the dentist...two thirty.

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By *nonymous95-2Woman
over a year ago

Northwich

What do you call a camel with 3 humps? Humpfrey.

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Seaside Sussex

A very regal looking fellow goes into a Pizza Hut in the middle of winter and says

I'll have a Good King Wencheslas Special please.- Deep pan crisp and even

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By *r_PinkMan
over a year ago

london stratford

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

.....................

wait for it

............................

Because if they flew over the bay,

They would be bagulls

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By *eatwaveMan
over a year ago

Barnet

What do you call a Judge with no thumbs........ just-his Fingers

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How does Moses make tea?

Hebrews it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A very regal looking fellow goes into a Pizza Hut in the middle of winter and says

I'll have a Good King Wencheslas Special please.- Deep pan crisp and even

Just made me think of another regal chap who visited pizza express and can't sweat

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

I tell a lot of dad jokes but I'm a woman and not even remotely a father. I guess I'm a...

Wait for it...

Faux pa.

Resurrected this thread to say that and I'm not even sorry.

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Seaside Sussex

"Two fish in a tank, one was driving and the other manned the guns"

'reminded me of :

Two parrots sitting side by side on a perch

First parrot says:

I can smell fish.

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

Diarrhoea is hereditary,

It runs in your jeans

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Had a date last week ...said I'd meet her at the children's play area in the local park.

Apparently that was not what she meant when she said she was into swinging

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By *tar80sWoman
over a year ago

Southampton

Everytime a bug would hit the windshield, my dad would say "he'll never have the guts to do that again."

Every. Single. Time.

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By *elpful and caringMan
over a year ago

Scarborough

Same start but the punch line is.

Turns out I’m a fat bastard.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Seen a dwarf climbing down a prison wall , I thought to myself ....that's a little condescending

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've just been diagnosed with a rare condition where I can't recognise 1980s bands.

Sadly there is no Cure.

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By *tar80sWoman
over a year ago

Southampton

It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

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By *iman2100Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

I was awakened this morning to a tap on my door.

Funny sense of humour has our plumber.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We dont have a garden and the wife bought one of those huge trampolines....i bloody hit the roof

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By *odgerMooreMan
over a year ago

Carlisle

The dr said my wife had shown signs of coming out of her coma and that maybe sexual stimulation might trigger her to come out of it - not full sex they said that was risky but maybe oral might work… within minutes there were alarms ringing and machines bleeping - I thought - this sounds like its working… the medical staff rushed in .. the Dr said - you bloody nearly ch@ked her there!!!

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

What should a woman say to a guy with whom she's just made love..?

Anything she wants he's sleeping

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

Why do Heinz sell beans, soup, spaghetti etc?

Because they can.

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By *adbod2godbodMan
over a year ago

Manchester

The man who invented the umbrella was just going to call it the Brella, but he hesitated.

That's a bit of a dry joke

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Bert an 82 year old goes to his GP for a check up..

Couple of days later the doctor spots him walking down the street happy as larry with really attractive young girl on

His arm...

When the girl goes into a shop the doctor approaches Bert and says you're looking good...

Bert says I'm doing what you said "get a hot mamma and be cheerful"

That's not what I said..I said "you've got a heart murmur be careful"

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By *lltheboostCouple
over a year ago

Shefford

I found I have a super power, I can cut down trees just by looking at them…

I saw it with my own two eyes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've just had a once in a lifetime holiday..... I won't be doing that again!

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By *hechairman18Man
over a year ago

Salford Quays , Manchester

I remember the last words, my Dad said, before he kicked the bucket.

How far do you think I can kick this Bucket ???

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his cousin in the woods?

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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

What's pink, wrinkly, and hangs out your underpants?

Your mum!

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

A swingers family joke

Young lad talking to his dad, "dad I think I'm in love I've got a girlfriend" "oh who's that that then son" enquires the father "Rachel across the road" " oh I'm sorry son you can't date her" "why not...?"

"Don't tell your ma but she's your sister"

Week or two later "dad I think I'm in love again I've got a new girlfriend" " oh who's that then"

"Claire who lives 5 doors down"

"Sorry son you can't date her, don't tell your ma but she's also your sister.."

Despondent the lad stomps off to seek his ma "mum I'm really peeved off, every time I get a new girlfriend and tell dad he tells me I can't date her as she's my sister"

"Ah don't you worry sweet heart you date whoever you want, he's not your real dad"

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By *odders88Man
over a year ago

Northampton

“Cor, you smell nice, what you got on?”

“We’ll I’ve got a hard on love but didn’t realise you could smell it”

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By *atthew78 OP Man
over a year ago

Winsford

My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push.

She gave it everything she had, until a fart, that from sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was mortified.

"Don't worry," i said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn't that right nurse?"

"Yes," said the nurse gagging, "But it's usually the mother not the father!"

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By *inister_SpinsterWoman
over a year ago

North West

2 fish in a tank.

1 turns to the other and says.

"Do you know how to drive this thing?".

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By *eard and TattsCouple
over a year ago

Cwmbran

The holy water joke always made me howl because it was so fucking sad

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By *irBummyFingerMan
over a year ago

Carmarthen

What has 8 wheels and flies - A bin lorry.

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By *iman2100Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?"

"A satisfactory"

***********************

Lady Smyth said to her butler Geeves

"Geeves - Take off my blouse"

"Geeves - Take off my Skirt"

"take off my bra!"

"Take off my knickers!"

"And don't you let me catch you wearing them again

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By *im RoyleCouple
over a year ago

chester

"Let's see if we can raise a few spirits,smiles and share a few laughs with the best and worst dad jokes

"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.""

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By *im RoyleCouple
over a year ago

chester

I met the man who invented window cills

What a ledge

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'll never forget my grandad's last words - 'Fuck me, a bus'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

'Mum, I'm 14 now, can I wear a bra?'

'No, John'.

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By *eliciousDiva69Woman
over a year ago

Schitts Creek

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I asked my girlfriend if I was the first man she ever slept with.

She said I would be if we went to sleep.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's green and smells of pork?

Kermits fingers!!

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

What does a 80 year old vagina and a pork pie have in common.

You have to break through the crust, lick out the jelly before you get to the meat.

The mr

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By *red and Wilma 75Couple
over a year ago

Staffordshire

Asked the old lady next door for a go on her stair lift if I wash her car.

I think she’s going to take me up on it

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Mrs said if I was bored I should make a bird table.

So I did, jeez she was pissed off when I put her 5th position.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What has 182 teeth and holds back a monster?

My zipper

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By *atthew78 OP Man
over a year ago

Winsford

I have a joke about IKEA but l'm still putting it together.

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By *atthew78 OP Man
over a year ago

Winsford

I'm beginning to think my best friend is having an affair with my wife

He has been so miserable lately

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What does a 80 year old vagina and a pork pie have in common.

You have to break through the crust, lick out the jelly before you get to the meat.

The mr "
gross but funny

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By *atthew78 OP Man
over a year ago

Winsford

Absolutely devastated. 7 years of medical training and hard work resulting in a friend being struck off for a minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients. He is no longer able to continue in the profession he loves. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet!

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By *ed969Man
over a year ago

leicester

A man walks up to a blonde in a bar and says I'll give you a million pounds if I can bit your nipple. She thinks about it for a minute and says go on then, after around half an hour of kicking and sucking she asks him why he hasn't bitten them yet, well he says I don't actually have a million pounds.

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By *ed969Man
over a year ago

leicester

Did you hear about the man who dipped his balls in glitter. Pretty nuts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Bert an 82 year old goes to his GP for a check up..

Couple of days later the doctor spots him walking down the street happy as larry with really attractive young girl on

His arm...

When the girl goes into a shop the doctor approaches Bert and says you're looking good...

Bert says I'm doing what you said "get a hot mamma and be cheerful"

That's not what I said..I said "you've got a heart murmur be careful"

Is this the same old fella who went to confession after he'd had a threesome with 21 year old twin sisters?

After he'd told the priest about his wild night the priest told him he needed to follow the usual post confession routines and God would forgive him.

"I don't know what that means. I've never been to a confession before"

"You're 82 years old and never been to confession before?", exclaimed the exasperated priest, "Why not?"

"Well, I'm not a Catholic", he replied.

"If you're not a Catholic why are you sat here telling me this?"

"I'm telling everyone"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mate has just bought two dobermans...he's called them Timex and Rolex

They are watchdogs

You're welcome

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Let's see if we can raise a few spirits,smiles and share a few laughs with the best and worst dad jokes

"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.""

This is a clothes thread ..it got too big

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By *escourtesMan
over a year ago

hereford

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?.....

Bugs bunny

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By *atthew78 OP Man
over a year ago

Winsford

A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked.

"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't say the people in my club are stupid, but we went on a mystery tour and there was a sweep for the person who guessed correctly where we were going.

The coach driver won £230.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What type of fish sleep most often? Kippers.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

What do we want?

LOW FLYING AIRPLANES

When do we want them?

NNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWW.

Works better spoken than written, granted.

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By *ixed MisterMan
over a year ago

London

I booked the last 4 seats in a row for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

When the wife sends me to the supermarket for cucumbers I always buy vaseline as well....don't want the cashier thinking I'm vegan

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By *atthew78 OP Man
over a year ago

Winsford

Whats pink, six inches

long and makes my wife moan all day ?

Her tongue...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's Jamaican hairstyle week next week.

I'm dreading it

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

I couldn't stand being in a wheelchair.

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By *erry bull1Man
over a year ago

doncaster

When I was at school I was interested in astrology and one topic was the eclipse ,

I asked my dad if he knew what a eclipse is

He replied , no son

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By *istyPeaksCouple
over a year ago

braintree

2 birds sitting on a perch, one says to the other one, can you smell fish??

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

You've got to hand it to blind sex workers........

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By *ornucopiaMan
over a year ago

Bexley

"Two fish in a tank, one was driving and the other manned the guns"

Was waiting for that. We've already had the dam.

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By *mo512Man
over a year ago

LONDON

Why did the jelly bean go to school?

She wanted to be a Smartie.

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By *heLad88Man
over a year ago

Falmouth

[Removed by poster at 21/04/23 23:26:47]

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By *heLad88Man
over a year ago

Falmouth

What do you call a bee that produces milk?

A BooBee (.)(.)

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By *rdimpsMan
over a year ago

Hull

Whats the difference between a penis and a chicken leg?

Dont know?

Would you like to come on a picnic?

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By *ravelling_WilburyMan
over a year ago

Beverley

"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right

I've just text this to my son

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By *iddlesticksMan
over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

[Removed by poster at 27/04/23 10:52:00]

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By *iddlesticksMan
over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

Two eggs in a frying pan.

One says it’s hot in here.

The other replies, fucking hell a talking egg.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mate says that his wife lets him eat jam out of her private parts … jammy cunt …..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An idiot put on a condom and went.

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