FabSwingers.com forum: Difficult conversations. By Meli.

By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

So, I've got to have a couple in the next few days. Whether they're awkward, upsetting, potentially closing a chapter, revealing some bad news. You get the idea.

How do you have them? Are you a texter? Prefer to do it face to face or will a call suffice? Do you think about it, preplan or just go straight into it saying exactly how you feel in that moment of time?

I'm going to book a kettlebells class so I can sweat out my thoughts and hopefully not waffle on during them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I preplan it all, sweat on it, see it from all angles...I think...and it usually goes pear shaped regardless.

How they respond is up to them, how you respond is up to you, as long as you get your points across without it descending into a screaming match, jobs a good un imo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I prefer avoidance. I know it doesn't help either party and only leaves things to bubble beneath the surface but I can never have those conversations in a way that involves diplomacy and can have the subtlety of a brick through a window and in addition to that, I don't want to be responsible forbl the fallout and how the other person feels as a result. It's something I'd love to be better at though as I know how important conflict management can be

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By *BootyfulDayWoman
over a year ago

…

Oh dear! Hope they go well! I do the classic avoiding and making it a thousand times worse by hiding from the situation and living with the guilt of not doing it…..so I don’t think I can give any advice but you’ve got this sunshine!

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By *ilktray manMan
over a year ago

hykeham

Clear, concise & not offensive and most people will understand, may take a little time, but the minute there is any hint of storytelling or poking fun at them the defensive mechanisms come into action.

Everyone’s different, but it’s a pretty open site, I think most people know how to take an honest opinion.

Other people may argue otherwise.

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By *ornyone30Man
over a year ago

ABERDEEN

Write it down and either give it to the person to read, or keep it to hand to keep you on track. That way you can think of exactly what you want to say and not get side tracked or say the wrong thing.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

I think having difficult conversations is a skill many should develop. It’s been a constant theme of mentoring over the years and as a mentee when younger one of the best things I learned.

Plan it. Have a strategy. Time it well especially if you want it to go a certain way. They get easier the more you exercise it. Good luck

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"Oh dear! Hope they go well! I do the classic avoiding and making it a thousand times worse by hiding from the situation and living with the guilt of not doing it…..so I don’t think I can give any advice but you’ve got this sunshine!

Thank you lovely. I'm waiting to be seen by the consultant for next steps, think I'll go home and have a good cry as exhausted.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Travelling

Different situations and subjects require different approaches.

Different people respond to different approaches better than others.

What may be the universal best approach for a subject may not be the best when dealing with a specific person.

I'm quite tactical with how I approach things. As I'd like to get as close to the best possible outcome.

I won't shy away from direct and blunt if that is what is that tactic needed to deal with it. But I can navigate the violent waters of a delicate situation fairly well too.

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By *G LanaTV/TS
over a year ago

Gosport

Had to do the big coming out, self declaring as trans one earlier this year several times to different people/groups.

Lots of planning, then several times of bottling out with the first group as I was still presenting mainly male at that point. Finally found the courage and did it, got up in front of the open plan office and babbled for a bit and then answered questions and then nearly cried in relief.

No real chance to chicken out with the second group as I turned up in my female presentation.

Face to face would always be my preference.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I always have the conversation in my head a few times first.

It's surprising how things can pop up that you might not have thought to say in a certain way or say at all.

Helps to think of ways to best phrase it without any misunderstanding or miscommunication.

Also lets you get the emotions out before you say it all live. Makes for a calmer you and hopefully a calmer them.

Good luck Meli x

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
over a year ago

Carlisle usually

Honestly, I'd prefer to do them by letter. But that's not fair on the other person.

So instead I spend a while stream of consciousnessing onto paper so I can see all my thoughts laid out and organise them in a way that can make sense to the other person. Then organise a time to see them somewhere private and talk through everything. If it's at home I'll put visual reminders of key points in my eyeline so I don't forget anything important.

Then I'll hermit and spiral for a while. Then put on my big girl pants and go have the adult conversation as calmly as possible.

Then I'll probably go cry and hermit for a few days.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Write it down and read it back and see if it really says what needs to be said or if it has to be said at all.

Depending on the background story will depend the means in which to go about it ie do you owe it to them or to yourself to say it in person.

Good luck and just breathe (Ms Fox)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I always have the conversation in my head a few times first.

It's surprising how things can pop up that you might not have thought to say in a certain way or say at all.

Helps to think of ways to best phrase it without any misunderstanding or miscommunication.

Also lets you get the emotions out before you say it all live. Makes for a calmer you and hopefully a calmer them.

Good luck Meli x"

Also, I'd either text or say in person. Depending on what it is and if they are accessible for meeting f2f.

I hate phonecalls

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By *ritIndianCoupleCouple
over a year ago

Midlands

These talks are never easy but got to be had and you feel much better once you’ve had them. The longer you leave them the harder I think they get as you keep playing it through in your mind how it will go. I find it easier sometimes to initially send a message highlighting what you need to discuss and why and then call them to explain further in detail. Good luck and hope it goes well. J

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I guess for me, I would communicate in the way I would usually with them so if its not unusual to be face to face, or to call, I'd go with that. Text/ email feels cold but depends on the relationship and distance I guess

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

Always face to face if it's someone I know own well, care for or have a close relationship with, whether personal, family or work.

For casual acquaintances and those I don't feel it necessary to be innfront of at the time then a call is fine.

Never a text, email or message.

Too impersonal.

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By *aekaeWoman
over a year ago

Between a cock and a soft place

Think carefully about what I have to say, and more importantly why.

Think about the language I'll use and how it might be perceived.

Think about how I may respond to any replies.

Basically, over think everything.....

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By *ickshawedCouple
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

I do it in person, having gone through in my head what needs saying. Not easy, and normally ends in me crying, but I feel it's the decent way to do things

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I'm pretty good at revealing bad news, I've had a fair bit of practice these last two years I use words that leave no room for ambiguity, false hope or doubt. Keep is short and answer questions. If possible I do it face to face, if not by any means possible.

Other difficult conversations I avoid until it's impossible to any longer or the issues go away. I know it's not a good way to be but here we are

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"I prefer avoidance. I know it doesn't help either party and only leaves things to bubble beneath the surface but I can never have those conversations in a way that involves diplomacy and can have the subtlety of a brick through a window and in addition to that, I don't want to be responsible forbl the fallout and how the other person feels as a result. It's something I'd love to be better at though as I know how important conflict management can be

Oh Joe. I could have guessed this would be your post without seeing your name. x

Avoidance doesn't help at all. It allows things to fester, to build, to become a Big Thing.

For me, I'm a bit nervous about talking to my mum. I love her but if she talks about reiki healing or guardian angels I'll have to turn around to eyeroll and remember the place it's coming from.

I can't control how people will respond but I can give them choice to do so and try and accept it with grace.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have them as soon as possible so I don't create a million different scenarios in my head. Always face to face though as over the phone is too impersonal for difficult situations. The only thing you can do is approach it in the best way you see fit and then respond the best way you can based on their reactions.

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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago

Gapping Fanny

This is what I aim to do:

Try not to over think them.

Do them in person, texting and even calling feels cold and impersonal to me.

Use a neutral location, nothing that can or has positive memories for either of you, or risks taking what is considered a safe space and rendering it unsafe.

Make sure you know what your goals are and stick to them. Don’t bend, break or show any wobble. Try and be as clear and impartial as you can be.

Depending on the situation and reason you can try and be unemotional.

Make sure you let the other person have their say.

Don’t feel you have to apologise or take shit if its not warranted.

Don’t give BS excuses that won’t hold up to any scrutiny.

Realise that you will be seen or viewed as the bad guy by people and own it.

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"Always face to face if it's someone I know own well, care for or have a close relationship with, whether personal, family or work.

For casual acquaintances and those I don't feel it necessary to be innfront of at the time then a call is fine.

Never a text, email or message.

Too impersonal.

Yes face to face is the ideal isn't it? If you care about someone and it's possible, I'll always favour face to face. Calling if not possible but texts etc feels so impersonal. Throwaway. I think I might have odd ideas about showing people respect though.

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By *entlemanrogueMan
over a year ago

Motherwell

Face to face if possible, pee planning these convos is almost pointless as you never know what the other parties are going to say, planning points you wish to make is better.

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By *ris GrayMan
over a year ago

Dorchester

"So, I've got to have a couple in the next few days. Whether they're awkward, upsetting, potentially closing a chapter, revealing some bad news. You get the idea.

I'm going to book a kettlebells class so I can sweat out my thoughts and hopefully not waffle on during them.

"
face to face no room for misinterpretation then and if they do misinterpret you can correct it there and then.

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By *hy_guy89Man
over a year ago

birmingham

I usually prefer face to face, no planning, as it allows for any follow up questions a person may have.

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By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Merton

Preplan your point and think about multiple angle to say theirs and your point.

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By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Merton

See*

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By *lik and PaulCouple
over a year ago

Flagrante

Always face to face, be honest, say what you need to say and take it from there. Don't be swayed unless you are open to being swayed. Good luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh Joe. I could have guessed this would be your post without seeing your name. x

Avoidance doesn't help at all. It allows things to fester, to build, to become a Big Thing.

For me, I'm a bit nervous about talking to my mum. I love her but if she talks about reiki healing or guardian angels I'll have to turn around to eyeroll and remember the place it's coming from.

I can't control how people will respond but I can give them choice to do so and try and accept it with grace. "

Look after yourself first. Sounds like it affects you primarily. Perhaps give her/ them the facts and allocate a limited period of time for comments and questions, then be able to escape. Let them think about it and visit them again in the future.

Hope you are ok Meli.

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By *empusMan
over a year ago

Poole

Don’t text, most people deserve more respect than that. I would spend a day or three really thinking about what I want to say and cutting out any BS that’s not necessary. Then, when I felt prepared, it’s gotta be face to face (call if not poss) and just say it straight. Gotta just rip the plaster off.

Good luck x

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Lots of good points on this thread and I really only want to add - be yourself, be authentic. Good luck!

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

My exact words.

Ay up mate. Got some bad news I’m afraid………

Gauge their reaction and go from there. But if anyone starts crying I’m off. Ain’t got time for that sort of behaviour.

The mr

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"Look after yourself first. Sounds like it affects you primarily. Perhaps give her/ them the facts and allocate a limited period of time for comments and questions, then be able to escape. Let them think about it and visit them again in the future.

Hope you are ok Meli.

Thank you Outsider.

I'm doing really well all considered. I'm quite lucky, I have some brilliant friends and a loving partner. I feel a lot better overall, a phone call helped a lot. Lighter if that makes sense?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hope you are ok Meli.

Thank you Outsider.

I'm doing really well all considered. I'm quite lucky, I have some brilliant friends and a loving partner. I feel a lot better overall, a phone call helped a lot. Lighter if that makes sense? "

It does make sense. Glad you could share it with them.

Sending you a virtual bunch of flowers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh Joe. I could have guessed this would be your post without seeing your name. x

Avoidance doesn't help at all. It allows things to fester, to build, to become a Big Thing.

For me, I'm a bit nervous about talking to my mum. I love her but if she talks about reiki healing or guardian angels I'll have to turn around to eyeroll and remember the place it's coming from.

I can't control how people will respond but I can give them choice to do so and try and accept it with grace. "

That's a great way to think and it can definitely be hard to keep your composure when these difficult conversations need to be had. I think some of my avoidance comes from thinking I don't want to make myself feel better by potentially making others feel worse but as you say, the more you let it fester, the worse it will eventually be. Good luck with your conversations in the near future, I really hope it goes well and the outcome is as smooth as possible

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By *asycouple1971Couple
over a year ago

midlands

Straight to the point.

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By *rolicUsCouple
over a year ago

Alluringly mysterious

Oh Meli my love

DMs open for you.

You’re right about what you can control - not how people react.

But also consider your needs. If this is about you then you also have the right to say how you deliver news - and what type of response you’re hoping for. And you deserve to receive that. So boundaries and how you chose to spend your energy are very much in your court.

Also I think not mithering over it too much- prolongs the discomfort.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Me? I run into the storm.

I just come out with what needs to be said, as tactfully as I can. Face to face.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thank you lovely. I'm waiting to be seen by the consultant for next steps, think I'll go home and have a good cry as exhausted.

Hope everything works out positively OP, sending virtual hugs

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By *hrista BellendWoman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

I work out whether I need them to know or not. Then avoid telling them until I really need to tell them. Then 9 times out of 10 I don't tell them and deal with it on my own.

Good Luck Meli

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By *enrietteandSamCouple
over a year ago

Staffordshire

I’m quite contradictory in the way I handle serious conversations.

If it’s something that is very personal about my own life, feelings, health or work problems I’ll do my best to handle it without seeking help which is probably the wrong way but it’s my way.

When it’s an issue that directly involves any one in my life I’m a ‘rip the plaster off’ kinda person, get the conversation done and sorted as soon as possible and don’t let stuff fester.

Always here for you op

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

I definitely run it over a few times in my mind so I can figure out what to say.

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By *ulieAndBeefCouple
over a year ago

Manchester-ish

Sending hugs Meli.

There's lots of good advice here so I've only got a small thing to add. While a lot of people have said to avoid texting/messaging, I'd like to say that on occasion it can be really useful for difficult conversations. It gives both parties time and space to think about their response.

J x

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