FabSwingers.com forum: Maintaining friendships

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

As we know friendships come and go and most need work to maintain.

Communication is a two way street but often one does more than the other.

So if you find it that you are constantly the one sending the message to keep the friendship going, how long do you give it before you say enough is enough and give up?

And not just talking about on here.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

On here I work by the one in one out messages. If they don't answer my last message I just leave it. I don't keep messaging.

In real life its different its swings and round abouts if a friend doesn't message me back I just assume they are busy and will message again same as they do to me

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

I think friendships are nuanced - there are times when one person may be more talkative, the other less so. Some people aren't great at chatting when it's not face to face. I like my friends messaging whenever they want to, even if I haven't immediately messaged back.

But if I feel like I'm the only one making an effort, with any desire to continue it in any relationship, platonic or not, I step back a bit. See if things naturally fizzle or not.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

People have things going on in their lives. I had a very hard time last year and some people would have called me a bad friend.

Fortunately, I had friends who understood that I was going through a hard time and not communicating didn’t mean I didn’t love them any more.

I don’t think we have to live in each other’s pockets to maintain friendships

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By *ose-tinted GlassesMan
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

"But if I feel like I'm the only one making an effort, with any desire to continue it in any relationship, platonic or not, I step back a bit. See if things naturally fizzle or not. "

Sometimes, just sometimes, it’s worth making a particular effort to prevent a fizzle. That little message saying “Hey you. It’s been a while.“ can move mountains.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

"Fortunately, I had friends who understood that I was going through a hard time and not communicating didn’t mean I didn’t love them any more.

I don’t think we have to live in each other’s pockets to maintain friendships "

That's true. Sometimes people have lows, it's not a reflection of how they feel. There's a difference between someone not wanting a friendship and someone not having the spoons to always give you the attention you might want.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think a sign of true friendship is that you can pick up where you left off however long the gap in communication has been.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

"But if I feel like I'm the only one making an effort, with any desire to continue it in any relationship, platonic or not, I step back a bit. See if things naturally fizzle or not.

Sometimes, just sometimes, it’s worth making a particular effort to prevent a fizzle. That little message saying “Hey you. It’s been a while.“ can move mountains."

Ha, really? I had no idea.

If I feel like I'm the only one making an effort - and believe me, I would categorise sending a message like the above as making an effort and it's still not reciprocated, I'm content for it to fizzle. I don't think friendships need to last for a millennial. It doesn't mean I value them any less but I also understand things are transient.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think the older you get your needs and expectations change for friendships. Life gets in the way for everyone, bad times can make you step back from people and sometimes we get trapped in a selfish bubble and genuinely forget to check in with people.

Whatever the circumstances, my friends now are the people that no matter how long its been, we still connect again like no time has passed at all. If a friendship is being considered not worth it, there's probably more to it than not checking in.

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By *evonrobMan
over a year ago

Kingsbridge

"I think a sign of true friendship is that you can pick up where you left off however long the gap in communication has been. "

I agree with that. True friendships pass the test of time!

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By *ainbows_can_be_metal_tooCouple
over a year ago

Darlington

I (mr) have very few friends left in the vanilla world. Just through growing apart or them developing into people that I don't feel comfortable being around. The 2 that I do have left I can just pick up a conversation with them at any time. They are generally busy, so am I but we all understand that and work with it. Sadly we probably won't be all hanging out together any time soon since they are both on opposing sides of a very serious incident involving a third former friend of mine

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I keep a small group of friends and we like across the UK and 1 moved to Denmark, we don't talk all the time but when we do it's like we've neve stopped talking, often life gets in the way if constant communication and we're all understanding about that.

Other than that there's people I'm friendly with from work but wouldn't necessarily call them friends more work colleagues who I have a preference to work with

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By *HaRiFMan
over a year ago

Beyond the shadows.

"On here I work by the one in one out messages. If they don't answer my last message I just leave it. I don't keep messaging.

In real life its different its swings and round abouts if a friend doesn't message me back I just assume they are busy and will message again same as they do to me"

I'd agree with that.

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By *ryandseeMan
over a year ago

Yorkshire

"I think a sign of true friendship is that you can pick up where you left off however long the gap in communication has been. "

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By *eroLondonMan
over a year ago

Mayfair

Without reciprocity I find it difficult to maintain friendships, because I thrive and place much value on mutual engagement or dialogue. That doesn't mean I expect my friends to sustain the momentum over hours or days or even weeks. It's "as and when".

When it becomes clear and apparent that the legwork to maintain that friendship is wholly on my side, I re-evaluate that friendship and decide its fate.

Friendships dwindle for all sorts of genuine reasons and I don't challenge them.

Recently two (separate) friends have invoked a fresh "reboot" for reasons that aren't clear to me. They have jettisoned all their previous contacts and started afresh. I've left them alone and respected their privacy.

The hard part is walking past them without receiving a nod. Now they are just somebody that I used to know.

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle

I never give up on my friends it can be difficult to keep up with the amount a person has yes you lose track with some but nothing stops anyone to drop them a message to see how their doing and apologize for drifting apart. Can be extremely difficult when a person continues to make many more new friends

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"As we know friendships come and go and most need work to maintain.

Communication is a two way street but often one does more than the other.

So if you find it that you are constantly the one sending the message to keep the friendship going, how long do you give it before you say enough is enough and give up?

And not just talking about on here. "

I’ll forgive them for anything if they buy me the next drink.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Too long probably.

I'm currently rethinking a long term friendship on the basis that they cancel on me regularly and minimise any issues I might have while expecting support from me.

I think you need to consider what a friendship means to *you* in the light of what they show you the friendship means to *them*

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By *ose-tinted GlassesMan
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

"Now they are just somebody that I used to know."

Hey, I know a song about that!

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

"Now they are just somebody that I used to know.

Hey, I know a song about that!"

I sang that in my head too.

Sometimes it's easy, sometimes not so much when you feel you're the one doing all the hard work.

Friendships can also run their course, like anything in life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Without reciprocity I find it difficult to maintain friendships, because I thrive and place much value on mutual engagement or dialogue. That doesn't mean I expect my friends to sustain the momentum over hours or days or even weeks. It's "as and when".

When it becomes clear and apparent that the legwork to maintain that friendship is wholly on my side, I re-evaluate that friendship and decide its fate.

Friendships dwindle for all sorts of genuine reasons and I don't challenge them.

The hard part is walking past them without receiving a nod. Now they are just somebody that I used to know."

Why did they abandon all there friends seems a bit extreme

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By *illloganMan
over a year ago

Essex

"I think a sign of true friendship is that you can pick up where you left off however long the gap in communication has been. "

This.

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By *hrista BellendWoman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

Currently is about 6 months. And that goes for my social friends.

My inner circle are family and we chat daily

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

I made a conscious decision in my late 20s to drop all my school friends because the friendship was one way.

I was always there when they were struggling financially or emotionally and when they lost family members.

Not one of them reciprocated.

I have former work colleagues that have never been more than that and even though I've known then for years I know very little about them outside the workplace.

From my late 20s until my late 40s I had no male friends whatsoever and it's only in the last 10 years or so that I have formed new and lasting friendships.

Some of those are people I've met through fab, both male and female and even though the majority of those are no longer on the site we are still in touch regularly and still very close.

My fab circle is tiny in comparison to some because I'm not interested in shallow friendships and some have used my friendship to feather their fab nests while attempting to undermine my fab journey.

I have an amazing FWB on here who I trust implicitly with all of me and that is very much reciprocated.

I usually refer to her as my fab bestie but that would actually do her an injustice because she is in truth my best friend and the couples profile we created together was on one hand because we hope to explore together but was also a way of sticking up two fingers to those shallow backstabbing users who's jealously determined that we should never be friends.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

A few years back I went through a rough patch where I wasn't feeling social or communicative. My friends didn't pull away because my responses were infrequent, they just kept talking to me without expectation until I was ready to talk back.

With my closest friends I tend not to notice who is initiating communication as it feels more like one long unbroken chat.

With acquaintenceships and online friendships I tend to match communication frequency. I don't want to impose myself where I'm not wanted, so if someone I'm talking with isn't responding I take that as a dismissal.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks for the interesting replies.

It varies with me esp depending on how good the friendship is. Most of my friends lead busier lives than I do so it's often easier for me to drop the message but also at times easier to let things drop.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
over a year ago

Carlisle usually

The people I'm closest to know that I need a lot of space. If I don't reach out for a while, they simply welcome me back when I'm ready to be a human again.

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By *adMerWoman
over a year ago

Sandwich

Within the last 18 months I have reassessed every relationship in my life. A few friends and some family have been cut from my life.

My childhood friend isn’t one of them though. We maybe see each other a handful of times a year. We both understand we have busy and separate lives. We just pick up where we left off whenever we see each other.

I fully intend to make more new friends, but I feel that they will all be fab friends from now on

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I don't lay down any hard and fast rules for friendships and I don't drop someone for not living up to some imaginary ideal I have created.

I have a friend who is not such a 'nice' person but is intelligent , opinionated, excellent company.

I have another who is a lovely individual but couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery and a nightmare where timing is concerned.

I have another who will voice their opinion ,loudly, regardless of where we are and I have often cringed...

I have religious friends and atheist friends and friends who hold different political opinions....

They are friends for their good points.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After about 3457 unread sent messages..... I will send another just to be sure. Then perhaps leave it for a while.

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