FabSwingers.com forum: Welcome to Heck

By *eviant Knight OP Man
over a year ago

Norton

Satan has opened up Heck, a lighter version of hell. What kind of torture are in it?

First up... Any time you are in a hurry there will always be a slow walking person in front of you that you can't get passed

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Someone at the checkout who keeps wandering off to add items.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ensuallover1000Man
over a year ago

Somewhere In The Ether…

Also supermarket related, a moron will have abandoned and left a half full shopping trolley right across the bloody aisle!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

When you're having a bad day and your pocket gets snagged on the door handle

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

Every single doorway has got someone standing in it checking their receipt

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ensuallover1000Man
over a year ago

Somewhere In The Ether…

"When you're having a bad day and your pocket gets snagged on the door handle"

And even worse - rips your trousers as a result

True story (on more than one occasion)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

"When you're having a bad day and your pocket gets snagged on the door handle

And even worse - rips your trousers as a result

True story (on more than one occasion)

I would probably cry

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

Going to the gym and every machine you want to use is taken

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

Every single delivery and tradesperson turns up 5 minutes before the end of their 8 hour 'window'

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Every little bit of food you eat is under seasoned .

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *loss aka Miss JonesWoman
over a year ago

south coast IOW

Car not starting after a 10 hour shift when it’s -5 degrees outside. Only thing to make me cry in many years.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ttentiveRabbitMan
over a year ago

Lymington

Any dick pictures you send has to be vetted by friends and family first

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

Every cola bottle you open ends up being flat

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ttentiveRabbitMan
over a year ago

Lymington

You can go on holiday but it’s a ‘The Sun’ package holiday

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

You always need a plop after getting in the bath

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eviant Knight OP Man
over a year ago

Norton

"When you're having a bad day and your pocket gets snagged on the door handle"

Every time haha

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eviant Knight OP Man
over a year ago

Norton

"Any dick pictures you send has to be vetted by friends and family first "

This would solve a lot of problems on here for some

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eviant Knight OP Man
over a year ago

Norton

"You always need a plop after getting in the bath"

Or every time you are in the bath someone comes in and does a poo next to your head

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eviant Knight OP Man
over a year ago

Norton

"Every little bit of food you eat is under seasoned . "

This is probably the worst one so far

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

Your only source of news comes from The Daily Mail

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

Every item you scan at the self service won’t scan properly and it’ll just keep telling you “ unexpected item in the bagging area” so you have to stand there and wait for the person every single time.

The mr

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *arkus1812Man
over a year ago

Lifes departure lounge NN9 Northamptonshire East not West MidlandsMidlands

Driving home at lunchtime having just paid to have my car washed and waxed find that the exit and road from a large construction site is a sea of mud and the road sweeper has broken down.Not happy

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There will always be a queue for the toilet when your bursting

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ormorantMan
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

When you wring it’s neck and shake it for dear life, pop it back in your pants and it dribbles..!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hePerkyPumpkinTV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol

"When you wring it’s neck and shake it for dear life, pop it back in your pants and it dribbles..!!"

The trick to this is twofold

Step 1. Use some toilet paper to dab the end of your knob a few times.

Step 2. Put your dick back in your pants so it thinks it's safe to start leaking, but then whip it back out and dab with more toilet paper

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

The airport gate in heck is always the furthest from security

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

"When you wring it’s neck and shake it for dear life, pop it back in your pants and it dribbles..!!

The trick to this is twofold

Step 1. Use some toilet paper to dab the end of your knob a few times.

Step 2. Put your dick back in your pants so it thinks it's safe to start leaking, but then whip it back out and dab with more toilet paper

Cock psychiatry

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

3 hours into a party when your social battery died 30 mins in, you’re the designated driver and everyone wants to stay to the end…

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

James Blunts album playing on a loop.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The lifts and escalators are allways out of order.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All toilets only have one sheet left on the roll.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

Everybody in heck pays for everything in loose change.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *.T.Man
over a year ago

Gloucester

You can always get a meet in Heck, but whenever you are about to blow your load, their phone goes off and they have to take the call as it is an emergency.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

You go to the chemist for your hemorrhoid cream to be told there's a nationwide shortage.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

Friday is cabaret night and there's only 1970's male stand up comedians and an Elvis impersonator.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ittlemiss Hal O weenCouple
over a year ago

Southampton

"You go to the chemist for your hemorrhoid cream to be told there's a nationwide shortage."

Yeah that's a pain in the arse

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The system you use for absolutely everything at work always gives you the ring of doom.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When your at a checkout with a trolley full of shopping and they ask "how many bags will you need"

Jeez i dont know susan how about just give me them until i dont need anymore lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

There’s no wifi, it’s just dial up

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *.T.Man
over a year ago

Gloucester

Everyone's perfume or aftershave is the decent stuff, but it is always a touch overpowering.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ittlemiss Hal O weenCouple
over a year ago

Southampton

"There’s no wifi, it’s just dial up"

And your mum always wants to use the phone... Oh wait that was the 90s lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

Everybody uses their phone on speaker, RIGHT next to you

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hePerkyPumpkinTV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol

Douching never quite gets it all

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *.T.Man
over a year ago

Gloucester

There's plenty of charging points for EV's but they are as fast as a 13 Amp socket.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ittlemiss Hal O weenCouple
over a year ago

Southampton

One sock inside your shoe perpetually being half off your foot

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

"Douching never quite gets it all

Yes, that’s just shit.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *orphia2003Woman
over a year ago

Tonypandy.

The heck bar doesn't serve craft beer.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *an4funMan
over a year ago

london

"You go to the chemist for your hemorrhoid cream to be told there's a nationwide shortage."

There is one tube left but the assistant doesn't know the price to charge you so they shout over to the manager, "how much is the hemorrhoid cream?" In a crowded shop with your favourite hunk queuing behind you

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ittlemiss Hal O weenCouple
over a year ago

Southampton

"You go to the chemist for your hemorrhoid cream to be told there's a nationwide shortage.

Hahahaha

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sausages.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

"You go to the chemist for your hemorrhoid cream to be told there's a nationwide shortage.

And, because there’s only one tube, it has to be shared. Sweaty Bert puts it on with his calloused sausage fingers in the village hall.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eviant Knight OP Man
over a year ago

Norton

"Every item you scan at the self service won’t scan properly and it’ll just keep telling you “ unexpected item in the bagging area” so you have to stand there and wait for the person every single time.

The mr "

Haha this is just cruel

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 15/02/23 15:57:01]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eviant Knight OP Man
over a year ago

Norton

"There’s no wifi, it’s just dial up"

This would be brutal

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eviant Knight OP Man
over a year ago

Norton

"You go to the chemist for your hemorrhoid cream to be told there's a nationwide shortage.

And, because there’s only one tube, it has to be shared. Sweaty Bert puts it on with his calloused sausage fingers in the village hall."

And it's got a hair in it when it's handed to you

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rAndMrsLilCouple
over a year ago

Barnsley

Petrol pumps always go over by a couple of pennies but you only have the cash for the amount you initially wanted, and your card is missing

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All the jars have their lids on slightly too tight

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Satan has opened up Heck, a lighter version of hell. What kind of torture are in it?

First up... Any time you are in a hurry there will always be a slow walking person in front of you that you can't get passed"

Having to shake out that half a baked bean that seems welded to the bottom of the tin.

Being forced to run your finger, with a hang-nail across a fabric surface.

Having an itch right in the centre of your back that you can't quite reach.

Getting sticky jam all over your fingers and not being allowed to clean it off.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rAndMrsLilCouple
over a year ago

Barnsley

The kettles in heck never quite fully boil water so you can only get lukewarm tea and coffee

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One

Flip flops breaks

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The kettles in heck never quite fully boil water so you can only get lukewarm tea and coffee "

I'd rather go to full hell than have a shit cuppa

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Having to watch only 1 TV channel showing non-stop reality shows like BB and Love Island.

Someone always looking over your shoulder all day, every day.

Visiting libraries where every single book is in the wrong section.

Having a kitchen where every tin of food has no labels on it and you have to make a meal with whatever one you open.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The kettles in heck never quite fully boil water so you can only get lukewarm tea and coffee

I'd rather go to full hell than have a shit cuppa

Not only that, the milk always curdles and produces a floating mass of lumpy milk on the surface.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only having one pen, but it's one of those ones that, when the top part of it breaks off or you lose a piece, you have to put your thumb over the top and try to write with it.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *lynJMan
over a year ago

Morden

"The heck bar doesn't serve craft beer."

There's positives in heck too then

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The remote control never works unless you’re stood right next to the tv

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *lynJMan
over a year ago

Morden

"Everybody in heck pays for everything in loose change."

To the precise amount but never counts it out until the last possible moment.

They also wait until they get to the ticket barrier to get their ticket or payment device out. Then they can't find it and hunt round every pocket three times until they find it in the first pocket they tried.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

Every single road in Heck has roadworks.

Always.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Every single road in Heck has roadworks.

Always."

With broken lights either end.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My cats shits always smell really bad. Not like the roses she usually does.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your mobile phone will only connect to the internet with 3g

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Heck included having to call Internet providers due to loss of service...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Every carton you take from the fridge will be empty

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The heck canteen only serves Angel delight

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The toilet paper is always just that little bit too thin

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *lik and PaulCouple
over a year ago

Flagrante

"You always need a plop after getting in the bath

Or every time you are in the bath someone comes in and does a poo next to your head "

I hope you don't mean they hang their arse over the side of the bath

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

Heck television has just two channels. One is all adverts only, the other is all your favourite programs.

But it’s stuck on adverts and the remote is always broken.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ittlemiss Hal O weenCouple
over a year ago

Southampton

"The heck canteen only serves Angel delight "

That would only be an issue for me if it was any flavour except butterscotch lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ittlemiss Hal O weenCouple
over a year ago

Southampton

"Your mobile phone will only connect to the internet with 3g "

Oh god I'm there already, lmao

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Always having itchy little hairs in the neck of your t-shirt after trimming your hair.

Having a tiny dribble of urine come out just after you zip up.

A mote of dust caught in your eye that no amount of rubbing will remove.

Cutting open your potatoes and always finding black in the middle.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The heck canteen only serves Angel delight

That would only be an issue for me if it was any flavour except butterscotch lol"

I would have an issue if it was only butterscotch

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"Going to the gym and every machine you want to use is taken"

Isn't that a line in an Alanis Morrisette song?!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Every time you stand up there’ll be a low shelf above you and a person that will point and laugh as you bang your head.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your in hospital waiting for your discharge papers and prescriptions...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *odgerMooreMan
over a year ago

Carlisle

Your satnav cant keep up With the road names on Crete so you end up going round the town 12 times before finding the main route out. True story but pissed myself laughing at the pronunciation of greek names

By satnav.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

Whenever you pour your cereal out, you find out that you only have a sliver of milk left

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Constantly waiting on the phone, listening to naff music interspersed with 'we are extremely busy, your call will be answered as soon as possible'.

And other calls where you have to 'please press 2 or please press 4' etc, for hours and hours.

Every time you go through the self check-out in the supermarket, every item recieves the 'please remove item from bagging area' warning.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Whenever you pour your cereal out, you find out that you only have a sliver of milk left"

Or you have enough milk but you can't quite be sure whether it's on the turn or not, and you're definitely not going to taste it to find out.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Going to the gym and every machine you want to use is taken

Isn't that a line in an Alanis Morrisette song?! "

People pointing out that they think what you say is from an Alanis Morrisette song.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

"Going to the gym and every machine you want to use is taken

Isn't that a line in an Alanis Morrisette song?! "

Who?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"Going to the gym and every machine you want to use is taken

Isn't that a line in an Alanis Morrisette song?!

Who?

Sorry was joking. I added a line to "Ironic" in my head....

"It's like 10,000 treadmills when all you need is a bench....."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pictures on your wall that you can never get to hang straight.

People questioning why you keep your DVD/Blue Ray collection in alphabetical order.

When walking towards someone, always having to do that side to side shuffle before nearly colliding with each other.

Wherever you go, always having to avoid or refuse charity collectors/big issue sellers on every road and street.

Every cafe having faulty or empty coffee machines, and always having no small spoons or wooden stirrers available, forcing you to use one of the metal knives or forks to stir your drink.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eviant Knight OP Man
over a year ago

Norton

There is a never ending supply of crumbs in your bed that you can't get rid of

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *REEPALESTINEMan
over a year ago

derby

What’s that

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

In Heck, whenever you’re getting towards the front of a queue, you suddenly need a massive fat wee.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My work Colleague following me about for all of eternity chattering about her bad leg, her bad back, her mother's heart attack and diagnosing me with heart failure (true story)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is Heck. Don't fool yourself. It can get worse and better doesn't look a whole lotta fun. We are all damned to heck!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is Heck. Don't fool yourself. It can get worse and better doesn't look a whole lotta fun. We are all damned to heck! "

Hecking hell! Motherheckers, we're doomed to heck!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ittlemiss Hal O weenCouple
over a year ago

Southampton

"Your in hospital waiting for your discharge papers and prescriptions..."

Ah... Yes and pharmacy waiting perpetually for the doctor to write the prescription and getting constantly blamed for the delay... Oh wait... That's actually true...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pens that run out of ink during the first word you write

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *.T.Man
over a year ago

Gloucester

Every site you sign up to has your username taken so you have to add increasing amounts of numbers to the end of it.

SelfishFucker3.1415927

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"Every site you sign up to has your username taken so you have to add increasing amounts of numbers to the end of it.

SelfishFucker3.1415927"

Mmmmmmmmmm pie

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *.T.Man
over a year ago

Gloucester

"Every site you sign up to has your username taken so you have to add increasing amounts of numbers to the end of it.

SelfishFucker3.1415927

Mmmmmmmmmm pie

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

In Heck, whenever you park your car in a totally empty row of spaces miles from the shops, you’ll always return to find some prick has parked right next to you.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *.T.Man
over a year ago

Gloucester

Every tea or coffee is not quite strong enough, no matter how long you leave the bag in or let.it brew for.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Every site you sign up to has your username taken so you have to add increasing amounts of numbers to the end of it.

SelfishFucker3.1415927"

Or, when signing up to a site, you get the message 'sorry, that username is already taken', over and over and over again.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sausages have too high a meat content, so they sound great on paper but have no lips and arseholes for flavour...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ornucopiaMan
over a year ago

Bexley

"Having to watch only 1 TV channel showing non-stop reality shows like BB and Love Island.

...

Having to watch TV

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can never catch up to the person you're after, no matter how hard you try.

You feel like you're running through treacle and when you see them turn corner, you think maybe you can get to them only to discover they are just the same distance ahead.

You shout after them and they turn their heads looking for who shouted, but shrug it off and carry on.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You're stuck in a lift that just keeps going up with someone who keeps farting like a trooper and who has been drinking nothing but Guinness for a week

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hGlobbitsMan
over a year ago

Leeds

"When you're having a bad day and your pocket gets snagged on the door handle

And even worse - rips your trousers as a result

True story (on more than one occasion)

I've lost so many belt loops off my jeans to door handles

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ornucopiaMan
over a year ago

Bexley

It's sounding like a lot of our contributors either need to lose width, open doors wider, stop going through doorways backwards or stop wearing their trousers back to front!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread