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"Welcome to life as a female! " To be fair, it's one of the effects of no longer having defined gender roles. Women and men are expected to help with the housework, cooking, the kids, having a stable and well paid job. We're expected to be superheroes. | |||
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"Welcome to life as a female! To be fair, it's one of the effects of no longer having defined gender roles. Women and men are expected to help with the housework, cooking, the kids, having a stable and well paid job. We're expected to be superheroes." I think it was easier when one income could support the house. But if the income input is shared then surely the running of the house and the duties also? | |||
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"Why would you want her to save the relationship with a man like that? Surely she'd be happier either on her own or with someone who has a healthier outlook? Relate, couples counselling. Needs a neutral setting and someone to mediate. If he's willing." You maybe right. Just not the first time I’ve seen a friend in similar circumstances. I don’t think they are a bad mix, but definitely an imbalance because of weak boundaries | |||
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"I wouldn't get involved. Are you doing so hoping for something in return? I've known plenty of women like this, and all I do is tell them straight that they are not their partners mother and that they should never settle for that type of shit in a relationship because that isn't what it is supposed to be like. I've known very few who have seen it as a dealbreaker unfortunately. You getting involved will not solve anything." Nothing in return in the slightest. It’s just heartbreaking to see people lose their souls or spirit for the benefits of another. Suppose I saw it happen with my own mother, and still do to a point. Just wished partners listened a little more to each other | |||
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"I wouldn't get involved. Are you doing so hoping for something in return? I've known plenty of women like this, and all I do is tell them straight that they are not their partners mother and that they should never settle for that type of shit in a relationship because that isn't what it is supposed to be like. I've known very few who have seen it as a dealbreaker unfortunately. You getting involved will not solve anything. Nothing in return in the slightest. It’s just heartbreaking to see people lose their souls or spirit for the benefits of another. Suppose I saw it happen with my own mother, and still do to a point. Just wished partners listened a little more to each other " Is she asking you for solutions or a listening ear? There's a big difference. | |||
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"I’ve had many conversations with female friends about this stuff. It happened with my Dad, when I was a kid, to the point where I took over from my Mum looking after my younger siblings when she went out to work because he was so woeful at looking after any of us. And my ex husband’s favourite excuse for doing absolutely Jack shit was - I don’t see when it gets dirty. So we sat down and agreed what time scale it takes for things to need cleaning, wrote them on a massive white board. Did things change….? No. They didn’t." I was hoping for a silver lining with the white board idea. Why don’t people listen to each other  | |||
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"I wouldn't get involved. Are you doing so hoping for something in return? I've known plenty of women like this, and all I do is tell them straight that they are not their partners mother and that they should never settle for that type of shit in a relationship because that isn't what it is supposed to be like. I've known very few who have seen it as a dealbreaker unfortunately. You getting involved will not solve anything. Nothing in return in the slightest. It’s just heartbreaking to see people lose their souls or spirit for the benefits of another. Suppose I saw it happen with my own mother, and still do to a point. Just wished partners listened a little more to each other " Yes it's shite. I'm always saddened to see what women will settle for. I'm on loads of mum groups and some of the posts and how frequent they pop up are heartbreaking. I'm so fortunate that I found a good one. All you can do is express your thoughts and hope she listens. But it's unlikely to happen. | |||
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"I’ve had many conversations with female friends about this stuff. It happened with my Dad, when I was a kid, to the point where I took over from my Mum looking after my younger siblings when she went out to work because he was so woeful at looking after any of us. And my ex husband’s favourite excuse for doing absolutely Jack shit was - I don’t see when it gets dirty. So we sat down and agreed what time scale it takes for things to need cleaning, wrote them on a massive white board. Did things change….? No. They didn’t. I was hoping for a silver lining with the white board idea. Why don’t people listen to each other "The govt is currently not listening to various sections of society. As a result they've withdrawn their labour. If your friend just does what she's able to comfortably do without inconveniencing or endangering the children it might become clear to him *and her* where the unfair division of labour is | |||
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"Unless she's willing to address it with her husband herself? Then all the suggestions in the world won't make a blind bit of difference " I believe she will, but she needs a hand to hold at the same time for strength | |||
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"Welcome to life as a female! " Try life as a man. By the way try reading a Book by Nora Vincent called. Self Made Man Might learn something. And by the way I have never relied on a woman to do.my cooking,cleaning. Because I sont want woman plying the martyr. | |||
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"Evening all, I’ve a lady friend who has a couple of kids. She does all the errands of dropping and collecting as well as working too. Yet her partner and father of both children expects her to do all the housework also, and have dinner and kids in bed for when he arrives home and belittles the difficulty in raising two kids She has a real sparkle about her, but you can see she is losing her identity. I see it as level of domestic abuse and want to support her rebalancing the responsibilities so she can find herself before anxiety will take over and ultimately save their relationship. Has any of you suffered? Know how you came to an agreement on housework without being accused of ‘just moaning’ Thank you x DM open if wanted to private chat " Face it OP your just looking to act like the big white knight so you can get in her knickers | |||
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"I wouldn't get involved. Are you doing so hoping for something in return? I've known plenty of women like this, and all I do is tell them straight that they are not their partners mother and that they should never settle for that type of shit in a relationship because that isn't what it is supposed to be like. I've known very few who have seen it as a dealbreaker unfortunately. You getting involved will not solve anything. Nothing in return in the slightest. It’s just heartbreaking to see people lose their souls or spirit for the benefits of another. Suppose I saw it happen with my own mother, and still do to a point. Just wished partners listened a little more to each other Is she asking you for solutions or a listening ear? There's a big difference. " A listening ear and a hand to hold I believe. There’s a flame inside of her still, just needs to know she can trust it to speak out | |||
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"Unless she's willing to address it with her husband herself? Then all the suggestions in the world won't make a blind bit of difference I believe she will, but she needs a hand to hold at the same time for strength " I'll be frank, if my husband was relying emotionally on a woman to deal with a perceived problem within our relationship I would not be happy. | |||
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"And by the way I have never relied on a woman to do.my cooking,cleaning. Because I sont want woman plying the martyr. "  | |||
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"I have not read all the posts so apologies if this has been said already: Is her partner even aware how she feels? And if so, do they both genuinely want a change? In my experience, if one wants a change (whatever change) and the other does not, there has to be a lot of listening on both sides as well as an agreed outcome which can be revisited if it does not work. Overall, my suggestion would be not to get involved but remain a sounding board to your friend. People often subconsciously "use" (in the lose sense of the word) sounding boards to arrive at their own long-term conclusions and actions." I know she wants a change, I don’t believe he understands how upset she is. I think a sounding board and hand holder is my key role at the moment | |||
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"I wouldn't get involved. Are you doing so hoping for something in return? I've known plenty of women like this, and all I do is tell them straight that they are not their partners mother and that they should never settle for that type of shit in a relationship because that isn't what it is supposed to be like. I've known very few who have seen it as a dealbreaker unfortunately. You getting involved will not solve anything. Nothing in return in the slightest. It’s just heartbreaking to see people lose their souls or spirit for the benefits of another. Suppose I saw it happen with my own mother, and still do to a point. Just wished partners listened a little more to each other Is she asking you for solutions or a listening ear? There's a big difference. A listening ear and a hand to hold I believe. There’s a flame inside of her still, just needs to know she can trust it to speak out " See my post above. I would advise you against getting involved | |||
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"Unless she's willing to address it with her husband herself? Then all the suggestions in the world won't make a blind bit of difference I believe she will, but she needs a hand to hold at the same time for strength " Its not easy. Is it your hand she needs, and how long can you hold it for? If she starts to rely on you then how long can you be there for? Are you ready for this responsibility or will you become someone else that may hurt her? Also, both sides have a different story. And, there's a connection between them two, its for then to change/notice/work out the dynamics... Be careful. Tho it's lovely that you're worried and wanting to help. | |||
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"I’ve had many conversations with female friends about this stuff. It happened with my Dad, when I was a kid, to the point where I took over from my Mum looking after my younger siblings when she went out to work because he was so woeful at looking after any of us. And my ex husband’s favourite excuse for doing absolutely Jack shit was - I don’t see when it gets dirty. So we sat down and agreed what time scale it takes for things to need cleaning, wrote them on a massive white board. Did things change….? No. They didn’t." I went out with a single mother who was useless at everything. I have cooked cleaned and done stuff better than any woman I have been with. Mainly because I dislike relying on anyone for anything. | |||
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"I’ve had many conversations with female friends about this stuff. It happened with my Dad, when I was a kid, to the point where I took over from my Mum looking after my younger siblings when she went out to work because he was so woeful at looking after any of us. And my ex husband’s favourite excuse for doing absolutely Jack shit was - I don’t see when it gets dirty. So we sat down and agreed what time scale it takes for things to need cleaning, wrote them on a massive white board. Did things change….? No. They didn’t. I was hoping for a silver lining with the white board idea. Why don’t people listen to each other
The govt is currently not listening to various sections of society. As a result they've withdrawn their labour. If your friend just does what she's able to comfortably do without inconveniencing or endangering the children it might become clear to him *and her* where the unfair division of labour is "Exactly.. stop doing all his washing/dinners/errands | |||
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"I have not read all the posts so apologies if this has been said already: Is her partner even aware how she feels? And if so, do they both genuinely want a change? In my experience, if one wants a change (whatever change) and the other does not, there has to be a lot of listening on both sides as well as an agreed outcome which can be revisited if it does not work. Overall, my suggestion would be not to get involved but remain a sounding board to your friend. People often subconsciously "use" (in the lose sense of the word) sounding boards to arrive at their own long-term conclusions and actions. I know she wants a change, I don’t believe he understands how upset she is. I think a sounding board and hand holder is my key role at the moment " I know she is your friend but how do you think her husband will react to another man metaphorically holding her hand while she’s questions their whole relationship? | |||
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"I’ve had many conversations with female friends about this stuff. It happened with my Dad, when I was a kid, to the point where I took over from my Mum looking after my younger siblings when she went out to work because he was so woeful at looking after any of us. And my ex husband’s favourite excuse for doing absolutely Jack shit was - I don’t see when it gets dirty. So we sat down and agreed what time scale it takes for things to need cleaning, wrote them on a massive white board. Did things change….? No. They didn’t. I went out with a single mother who was useless at everything. I have cooked cleaned and done stuff better than any woman I have been with. Mainly because I dislike relying on anyone for anything." Of course you have. Thank you so much for your input. | |||
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"I have not read all the posts so apologies if this has been said already: Is her partner even aware how she feels? And if so, do they both genuinely want a change? In my experience, if one wants a change (whatever change) and the other does not, there has to be a lot of listening on both sides as well as an agreed outcome which can be revisited if it does not work. Overall, my suggestion would be not to get involved but remain a sounding board to your friend. People often subconsciously "use" (in the lose sense of the word) sounding boards to arrive at their own long-term conclusions and actions. I know she wants a change, I don’t believe he understands how upset she is. I think a sounding board and hand holder is my key role at the moment I know she is your friend but how do you think her husband will react to another man metaphorically holding her hand while she’s questions their whole relationship? " Maybe the husband will circle round and fuck OPs wife  | |||
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"Evening all, I’ve a lady friend who has a couple of kids. She does all the errands of dropping and collecting as well as working too. Yet her partner and father of both children expects her to do all the housework also, and have dinner and kids in bed for when he arrives home and belittles the difficulty in raising two kids She has a real sparkle about her, but you can see she is losing her identity. I see it as level of domestic abuse and want to support her rebalancing the responsibilities so she can find herself before anxiety will take over and ultimately save their relationship. Has any of you suffered? Know how you came to an agreement on housework without being accused of ‘just moaning’ Thank you x DM open if wanted to private chat Face it OP your just looking to act like the big white knight so you can get in her knickers " Not at all. Come from a broken family with an autistic brother, so very much understand the upsets. Sorry if this hit a nerve for you | |||
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"I have not read all the posts so apologies if this has been said already: Is her partner even aware how she feels? And if so, do they both genuinely want a change? In my experience, if one wants a change (whatever change) and the other does not, there has to be a lot of listening on both sides as well as an agreed outcome which can be revisited if it does not work. Overall, my suggestion would be not to get involved but remain a sounding board to your friend. People often subconsciously "use" (in the lose sense of the word) sounding boards to arrive at their own long-term conclusions and actions. I know she wants a change, I don’t believe he understands how upset she is. I think a sounding board and hand holder is my key role at the moment I know she is your friend but how do you think her husband will react to another man metaphorically holding her hand while she’s questions their whole relationship? Maybe the husband will circle round and fuck OPs wife "I’ll have to remember this for when the next “how to convince my wife to swing” thread comes up  | |||
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"Is it chauvinistic to think she needs another man to save her from her current situation?" Is it condescending to say guys can't either be friends or give advice. | |||
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"Is it chauvinistic to think she needs another man to save her from her current situation?" She’s not, but reaching out to someone that may actually listen. | |||
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"Is it chauvinistic to think she needs another man to save her from her current situation? Is it condescending to say guys can't either be friends or give advice. " Not that I'm in deep here | |||
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"Is it chauvinistic to think she needs another man to save her from her current situation?" Probably And is it chauvinistic to assume that she needs or even wants to be saved? Unless she's explicitly said this could end their relationship there's a lot of assumption on the OPs part | |||
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"Is it chauvinistic to think she needs another man to save her from her current situation? She’s not, but reaching out to someone that may actually listen. "Ah. And that means she needs a strong person to hold her hand through it all? What a peach. | |||
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"Is it chauvinistic to think she needs another man to save her from her current situation? She’s not, but reaching out to someone that may actually listen. "And it's always nice to be supportive of friends. However,it's not actually going to change her situation. Unless you're planning on offering on popping round to do the cooking & cleaning for her to help ease the load | |||
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"Our relationship is a perfect synergy! She does the cooking - I do the eating I make the mess - she cleans it up I wear the clothes - she washes them She earns the money - I spend the money Its all give and take at the end of the day! "Now that’s pure chivalry | |||
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"There’s a lot of information on “mental load” which may be helpful to read in order to be supportive. " Thanks I may give that a read myself | |||
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"I think all you can do as a friend is be an ear and offer advice if wanted. Let her vent, but don't meddle. If you do suspect domestic abuse then you can encourage her to reach out to services. Hope it all works out OP for your friend " | |||
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