FabSwingers.com forum: Sexless marriage

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Hi fabs

Not sure if this is a question or moan but can someone please tell me what's the point in being married if there's no spark and absolutely no sex and I really mean (3 times in the last year)

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By *nnyMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Did something change or has it always been a sexless relationship?

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By *am123Man
over a year ago

essex chelmsford

"Hi fabs

Not sure if this is a question or moan but can someone please tell me what's the point in being married if there's no spark and absolutely no sex and I really mean (3 times in the last year)

"
no point bt know hw u feel

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you discussed this with your wife.

There could be a number of reasons.

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By *edonism44Man
over a year ago

oldham

We had the same, then it started getting nasty between us, then the rows, and now seperated going through divorce.

Sex is a very important part of ANY relationship , but you can fall out of emotion with each other...... Well the right emotions anyway..... Good luck chap , I thnk you need to have a really good heart to heart with her .... Maybe even a counsellor ..... Not conservative or lib dem though lol xxx no seriously good luck x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Is there anything else in the marriage, love for instance and I don't mean romantic love I mean deep respect and regard for each other. I don't know if this is you or someone else you're talking about but do you/they like each other there are so many things we don't know.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In my experience Its swings and roundabouts. A lot of couples stay together for financial reasons, and as you get older sex is less important anyway.

There are also couples who have a great sex life but nothing else!

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By *unloversCouple
over a year ago

rotherham

Why would anyone who is having problems with their sex lives want to broadcast it on here.....

I think its personaal between the two of you and wants sorting out

Thats if you want to sort it out

It will only end in tears where either one of you will go off playing in secret

Yes I know a lot already do that on here but I dont agree with it.....

each to their own and hope you get sorted

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By *ecky-booTV/TS
over a year ago

worthing

my marriage has been sexless for years but it is anything but pointless.. we are rsising two beautiful daughters and wd all live as a happy secure supportive nurturing family.. pointless ? i dont think so...

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By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire

"Have you discussed this with your wife.

There could be a number of reasons. "

that would be our thoughts also...

communication is key..

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By *iggamanMan
over a year ago

London

"Hi fabs

Not sure if this is a question or moan but can someone please tell me what's the point in being married if there's no spark and absolutely no sex and I really mean (3 times in the last year)

doesn't really help if your on here as a single male if you think about it

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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

Just read a very good article about this online - many women lose their sex drive, for various reasons, and it, inevitably, causes relationship breakdowns. Sometimes it is hormonal, other times it is stress. And it can happen to relatively young women too.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Men lose their sex drive too. I knew a woman whose husband only wanted sex about 3 or 4 times a year and it destroyed their relationship although they still live bitter and unhappy lives together. They never discussed possible solutions though only bitched at each other and she had affairs. Sex and the lack of it destroys relationships that's for sure.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw a post on an online forum specifically discussing sexless marriages and one guy explained his situation and he made the most pertinent statement l have ever seen on any forum. He said, "after ten years of living in a sexless marriage it hit me that my sexless marriage was not a case of her inadequately expressing her feelings towards me, it was her saying EXACTLY how she felt about me. At that realisation I knew my marriage was over. "

I know EXACTLY how he feels!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

there is an article on daily mail website today which says some women arent interested in sex because they have less testosterone.

it said women can start losing testosterone from the age of 20 to 45.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Hi fabs

Thanks for all the replies an so much to think about...

We're both in out 30s, two kids so time is always hard to find or make. When we do book a night away we end up going out for a meal and its pretty much straight to bed as she's tired. No doubt I'm going to get some stick from a few people because I'm moaning about sex, the wife is tired and we've two kids but let me please say that we both suffer sleepless nights etc taking it in turns with the little ones but surely the minute the house is quiet... You make time for each other

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You just have to look at the old yuk very rich men with the good looking younger woman thay married.... its not sex its money ... and the woman can do what ever she like 9 times out of 10 to keep her there . Sad but true .... so you get some never have sex .. but they have other things that make them happy.Some just wish to work have trophies to show .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

my hubby was quite strict, when my son was little if he woke us up he would tell him to go back to sleep and wouldnt let him in bed with us.

although when he was a baby he would get up in the night sometimes to feed and change him.

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By *xodussxMan
over a year ago

sheffield

If all this is true, i think i need to forget about finding someone i can marry to

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If all this is true, i think i need to forget about finding someone i can marry to"

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By *ll-Knight-longMan
over a year ago

Derby/Notts(Long Eaton)

"Just read a very good article about this online - many women lose their sex drive, for various reasons, and it, inevitably, causes relationship breakdowns. Sometimes it is hormonal, other times it is stress. And it can happen to relatively young women too."

I agree stress gyno. Problems or even prescription drugs can all effect a woman's emotions as well as sex drive

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We know one couple who cant afford to spit due to debt and living costs and its all pretty sad to see.

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By *iggamanMan
over a year ago

London

"my hubby was quite strict, when my son was little if he woke us up he would tell him to go back to sleep and wouldnt let him in bed with us.

although when he was a baby he would get up in the night sometimes to feed and change him."

ok so what's your point???

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By *xodussxMan
over a year ago

sheffield

"We know one couple who cant afford to spit due to debt and living costs and its all pretty sad to see. "
So they will stay like that for a very long time????

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

well some people say their kids are keeping them awake and they cant have sex because their kids are in their bed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sex is important in a marriage but not the all and end all.

firstly i think you both need to chat, and what are you doing to create a sexy mood, how about getting a baby sitter buy her some sexy underwear, run a scented bath with candles the works have the sexy set on the bed waiting for her cook a meal, then have a lovely sensual erotic massage, if that doesnt work get rid lol but being serious you both need to talk and you both need to make a effort and find time, like said if your both tired why not try to get family to look after kids for a long weekend that way first night you both can chill in bed and hopefully you,ll be both more refreshed for the remainding nights.

Any good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" how about getting a baby sitter buy her some sexy underwear, run a scented bath with candles the works have the sexy set on the bed waiting for her cook a meal, then have a lovely sensual erotic massage "

I'm not sure this will work ...unless your wife is into threesomes?

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By *reelove1969Couple
over a year ago

bristol

i wud imagine ur wife is probably feeling as down about this situation as u are. It is possible that she may have issues about body image or post natal depression or any amount of other things but i cant imagine that she is happy either.

In ur situation I would try making efforts to cuddle each other and complimenting her on how she looks etc. The crucial thing in my opinion is to keep comunication open .. best of luck and I wish u guys well

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sex should be a big part of marriage with that desire to be close to one another. Happened to me though.

The head spinner for me was during this 'lack of sex' I was in that she then suggested we see other people and was quite happy to sleep with a string of guys off here.(She suggested both signing up to fab as singles as well as other sites). Most of these guys turned out to be aresholes afterwards which she complained about like I cared...considering she chose to do it.

So in the mean time i've been doing fairly well and with other cracks in the relationship opening i've also pushed for divorce. No point in pushing on with something that isn't making me happy.

Tried to work through it through a couple of suggestions such as having a couples meet as a shared experience but she didn't want to make the effort.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Sorry for the short reply to you all but plz keep the ideas comming

Even Santa empties his sack once a year

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By *aGaGagging for itCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

When I was married and going through a 'dry spell', I asked my wife if sex was important in our marriage. When she said that it wasn't, I said 'well in that case it doesn't matter if I get it somewhere else then'. Her response was 'now that you put it like that, I supppose that it is', so I asked her why we didn't have sex more often She took me upstairs and shagged me senseless. (The marriage came to an end a few years later!)

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By *imal75Man
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

Hi Mate, i think you should treat her to a holiday if you can, pamper her and see if you can get some spark back with some quality time together and some sunshine... anywhere nice abroad mate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi Mate, i think you should treat her to a holiday if you can, pamper her and see if you can get some spark back with some quality time together and some sunshine... anywhere nice abroad mate. "

All a change of location does is to take one's favourite clothes and all one's troubles, and put them in a different place. Then you bring them back with you and you're back where you started.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe share some of the child care, housework ect?

I remember being stuck at home with 2 kids under 4 and a new born, was totally run ragged and shattered and to be honest sex was last thing on my mind. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think u have to think about the vows of marriage, in sickness and in health, for better or worse etc.. They say if u commit to this woman then its about sorting things out when times are hard.. Whether its financial, sexual or physical problems etc..

Its about committing to sticking together through the good and bad times.. A partnership.. No matter what.. If u can't live by the commitment then its time to leave

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think u have to think about the vows of marriage, in sickness and in health, for better or worse etc.. They say if u commit to this woman then its about sorting things out when times are hard.. Whether its financial, sexual or physical problems etc..

Its about committing to sticking together through the good and bad times.. A partnership.. No matter what.. If u can't live by the commitment then its time to leave"

Part of those marriage vows is 'with thy body I thee honour' and if one partner is witholding sex then that person has already broken the contract. Why should one partner be forced into a life of celibacy upholding a deal the other partner has broken?

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By *ukus 62Woman
over a year ago

Essex

Its about committing to sticking together through the good and bad times.. A partnership.. No matter what.. If u can't live by the commitment then its time to leave

well said

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My lovely used to say you have to woo each other every day.

You don't have to have sex to say "I love you" some women want a cuddle and told they are loved, showed they are appreciated, just that.

I'm not saying live without sex but a non-physical expression of love and appreciation can pave the way to sex.

It's not easy relaxing enough to have sex when you are tired, feel guilty at having no libido and feeling under pressure to 'perform'.

Many would rather say no altogether than have crap sex then feel disappointed after.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Many would rather say no altogether than have crap sex then feel disappointed after.

For year after year? It feels a lot like a cop out to me, an excuse. When I love someone I fancy them and when I fancy them I want to be close to them. It seems pure logic to me that if someone felt the same about me as I do them then we'd be fucking like rabbits all the time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Many would rather say no altogether than have crap sex then feel disappointed after.

It takes a long time for a libido to disappear, I expect it takes a long time for it to come back again.

With my ex I never lost my libido ...... just respect for him, unfortunately that never comes back in my book.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Many would rather say no altogether than have crap sex then feel disappointed after.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi Mate, i think you should treat her to a holiday if you can, pamper her and see if you can get some spark back with some quality time together and some sunshine... anywhere nice abroad mate.

All a change of location does is to take one's favourite clothes and all one's troubles, and put them in a different place. Then you bring them back with you and you're back where you started."

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By *ngieandMrManCouple
over a year ago

hereford

"Hi fabs

Not sure if this is a question or moan but can someone please tell me what's the point in being married if there's no spark and absolutely no sex and I really mean (3 times in the last year)

By virtue of the question you are asking it would seem the answer to your question is 'no point at all'.

Try taking a step back and read your own profile, based on that you would seem to be quite a 'catch' from a woman's prospective, professional, fit, active and an exploratory attitude towards sex.

Then at the same time you seem to be able to find the time to be a swinger as well! Perhaps you could readdress your work/life-style, or at the very least use the time you might otherwise find for swinging to relieve some of your wife's workload?

What's the point of a relationship/marriage? My _iew is, the two people concerned should both WANT to make the other persons life better, easier, more comfortable etc. if that isn't happening then maybe there is no point in continuing with it.

Have you considered chatting up your wife with the same enthusiasm that you might use chatting up prospective swingers?

We often hear/read 'my wife has gone off sex' and often words like hormones, stress etc. get added as a possible cause... or maybe she just doesn't 'fancy' her husband anymore and maybe that's because he doesn't bother to do anything to encourage her to fancy him?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"In my experience Its swings and roundabouts. A lot of couples stay together for financial reasons, and as you get older sex is less important anyway.

There are also couples who have a great sex life but nothing else!

Outside of swinging/ these kinds of sites I'd say the majority of married couples don't bother with sex after the first few years. Hence the tons of 'single' males on sites such as these.

Women get fed up for many different reasons. No-one wants to have sex with someone they don't like.

As for the wedding vows and saying they agreed to share their body for better for worse and all that... what man would try to co-erce his wife into having sex with him 'because she'd agreed to it in the wedding vows'??!!

(I know exactly the kind of man... makes me shudder....)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

(I know exactly the kind of man... makes me shudder....)

That's not the point I was trying to make. If I had to remind my wife of her wedding vows to get her to have sex with me then that alone would tell me the marriage is dead in the water. What I was trying t oconvey is that a deal made when two people are in love blah blah blah is supposed to mean something, else why say it, but it's also backed up with the promise of fidelity (let's take swinging out of the equation for the time being), so 'honouring thee with thy body' is a simplistic way of saying 'I agree to share my body with you if you agree not to share yours with anyone else'. Now, if one party to the bargain decides not to share his/her body with the other party - for whatever reason - then the bargain has been broken and to my mind that means both parties are free to find other sexual partners if they so wish. I won't have someone claim my body exclusively and then force me into a life of celibacy. I like sex and it's is reprehensible for my wife to deny me sex and yet insist I remain faithful. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

(I know exactly the kind of man... makes me shudder....)

I see what you're saying. But your first sentence kind of disagrees with your last sentence. 'If a man has to remind his wife to have sex with him then the marriage is dead in the water...'

Well.. if the wife is 'denying' her husband sex there must be a reason behind it. A happily married couple would not be 'denying' each other?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

(I know exactly the kind of man... makes me shudder....)

I see what you're saying. But your first sentence kind of disagrees with your last sentence. 'If a man has to remind his wife to have sex with him then the marriage is dead in the water...'

Well.. if the wife is 'denying' her husband sex there must be a reason behind it. A happily married couple would not be 'denying' each other? "

Wow no when I said about the vows I didn't mean u would make ur wife have sex!! Christ!

The vows mean if there is a problem u sort it out! Together as a partnership!

As for being forced into a life of celibacy.. Well if ur wife became a paraplegic then yh that's what the vows are saying is it not? That u remain faithful in sickness and in health?

I just don't think marriage vows are said anymore with the meaning they have..

I think society makes us believe we need to marry and have children etc.. Films make us think it will all be happy ever after if u find someone to love.. But that isn't reality.. Just the way I see it and I learnt I don't need a partner in life to survive and I don't care what society thinks..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its about committing to sticking together through the good and bad times.. A partnership.. No matter what.. If u can't live by the commitment then its time to leave

Cos the vows are more than just one line.. All the vows have to be taken into account in every situation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

(I know exactly the kind of man... makes me shudder....)

I see what you're saying. But your first sentence kind of disagrees with your last sentence. 'If a man has to remind his wife to have sex with him then the marriage is dead in the water...'

Well.. if the wife is 'denying' her husband sex there must be a reason behind it. A happily married couple would not be 'denying' each other?

Wow no when I said about the vows I didn't mean u would make ur wife have sex!! Christ!

The vows mean if there is a problem u sort it out! Together as a partnership!

As for being forced into a life of celibacy.. Well if ur wife became a paraplegic then yh that's what the vows are saying is it not? That u remain faithful in sickness and in health?

I just don't think marriage vows are said anymore with the meaning they have..

Why do people have to take everything to the extreme? We're not talking about whether someone becomes paraplegic or whatever are we. We talking about two people in full health who are no longer having sex, who have been to counselling, who have discussed what the problem might be, yet are still not having sex with each other. (Incidentally, my cousin fell off a horse and ended up paraplegic and she and her husband went on to have two children. It wasn't easy for them but they managed it, although she has since died from complications resulting from her initial injury but it took 8 years to kill her.)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Because he said why should he ever have to be celibute in his marriage and I gave an example.. There are other examples..

Good for ur cousin but I work with people who have been left with disabilities from accidents or illness and very few can still have a physical relationship.

So was just an example of why once u have taken those vows of in sickness and health etc and always forsaking others why u have made a vow of celibacy if it arose

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And if ur saying they have been for councilling, discussed it and the marriage still is an unhappy one for one of them then as I said earlier its over then and time to leave. Best to end it on a more amicable note than with the hurt and bitterness of the unhappy person living a lie.. Especially if there are kids involved

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sexless marriages are not new and happen for many reasons, as we get older it very hard to consider what to do for the best because to start again later in life is not always possible because of finances etc. It is also used an excuse for sympathy with the hope of getting sex wether str8 or bi, many times it is successful.

The reality is "what do you and can you do about it?" you know your partner better than most and the possible reasons or is that boredom has set in?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hands up all those living in a perfect marriage!

I bet there's not many, I've been married 27yrs and the sex has been crap for the last 16 of those yrs, we've fought like cat an dog in the past , we've split then got back togeather, we don't fight these days and very rarely argue .

I won't tell you to split or stay together only you can decide that, but don't base your marriage on sex alone ,for a start you have kids and I'm sure there are many other reasons you can list on why to stay togeather.

There are many on here who will mock an judge you , because in their eyes your a cheater !

If you left for sex I bet in a few years that new relationship would also fail.

The only people I class as swingers on here are the ones who are married and playing with each others full knowledge and consent ( and there in the minority ) .

I have FB to get round the problem , and it took a few years before I got comfatable with it, it takes practice.

Try to talk to her, that's talk not fighting or arguing , no one ever said being married is easy .

Goodluck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi fabs

Not sure if this is a question or moan but can someone please tell me what's the point in being married if there's no spark and absolutely no sex and I really mean (3 times in the last year)

Friendship? Financial reasons?

There's more to life than sex!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its when people are unhappy and sex is use as a bargaining tool things can get very nasty people can start to resent each other..But some think sex is very over rated and happy after years married, Its there friend there soul-mate and that's all thay care about as people change ,Some become like brother and sister and sex would not feel right .... so life is not about sex to some people at all .. They have lots of other things thay fill there life with.

Reading the op post i really think you should sit down and get this out in the open before it gets so out of hand .. she maybe missing sex and intimacy with you too xx Be brave and go for it if you love her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some prescription drugs can kill a sex drive to.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Some prescription drugs can kill a sex drive to."
your right and depression too ... is a big thing to kill sex drive ,

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

yet remember this is only one side of the story.

personally i would hat to be her and see all my private life on here for all to read

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi fabs

Not sure if this is a question or moan but can someone please tell me what's the point in being married if there's no spark and absolutely no sex and I really mean (3 times in the last year)

Friendship? Financial reasons?

There's more to life than sex!"

I don't think men think that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi fabs

Not sure if this is a question or moan but can someone please tell me what's the point in being married if there's no spark and absolutely no sex and I really mean (3 times in the last year)

As a recently divorced man i can sympathies to a large degree - sex in my marriage was ok but we just pure and simple fell out of love and i took decision to end it for both our sakes.

I know lots of men ans women who have suffered in a sexless marriage and its hard going when your highly sex driven

If you have talked it through and there is no other choice and sex is very important to you; then you have a tought decision to make as well - good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi fabs

Not sure if this is a question or moan but can someone please tell me what's the point in being married if there's no spark and absolutely no sex and I really mean (3 times in the last year)

If you need a sexual connection then no there isnt.

It isnt fair say if you wife needs emotional or financial etc connection but not a sexual one to expect her getting what she needs and withholding sex that you need

If the needs of one partner arnt being met by the other it isnt working. If you NEED te sex (which isnt a bad thing) and aint getting it and she refuses to change why should you make the effort to be emotionally supportive or what ever she needs?

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By *yson38GWoman
over a year ago

Tyne and Wear

I was in a sexless marriage even though I still loved my husband. The sex had slowly dwindled over a period of years, at the point I made the decision to leave I think we had had sex about 3 times in the last 7 years and all three had been unsuccessful attempts. The biggest problem was his pride as he wouldn't go and see the doctor about it. There were no kids at home to keep us up at night and I did everything possible to relax him and be sexy for him but to no avail. He would still give me compliments on how I looked etc and enjoyed getting the occasional sexy pose sent to his phone but still no sex. I joined here about 3 years ago after being on a couple of other sites. I started going out and enjoying life. I had no intention of ending the marriage as pretty much everything else in the relationship was fine. However, one weekend nearly 2 years ago, I did the one thing I hadn't expected - I fell in love.

After a couple of months, I went through the most difficult decision I have made - I told my husband I was going - there were tears but he understood why and we stayed in the same house for another year until I moved. He has met my new partner and gets on very well with him and has even asked for an invite to the wedding - the one thing he won't do is divorce me on the grounds of adultery. We are waiting for the 2 year separation so it goes through easier. Not all stories end as happily as mine but there is hope for some of those in what was my situation. Good luck to the OP in finding an amicable solution to the problem he is facing x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"yet remember this is only one side of the story.

personally i would hat to be her and see all my private life on here for all to read"

I agree I'd be beyond angry if I discovered something like this written about me BUT the guy has to get advice from somewhere and presumably he is suffering as much as she is from the problem.

The more of these threads I read the more I just don't know the answer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"yet remember this is only one side of the story.

personally i would hat to be her and see all my private life on here for all to read"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think youd do better talking to your wife and getting to the heart of the problem even if you being on a site like this as a single guy might be the problem sex is not the centre of the universe there are lots of layers to a good relationship

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"yet remember this is only one side of the story.

personally i would hat to be her and see all my private life on here for all to read

"
maybe he just needed to get it of his chest here and helped him to see things better ... At times its easyer to chat to people you dont know .

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By *empting Devil.Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

"I think youd do better talking to your wife and getting to the heart of the problem even if you being on a site like this as a single guy might be the problem sex is not the centre of the universe there are lots of layers to a good relationship "

But this can be very difficult to discuss, especially if the other person is determined to not see a problem.

In fact it is a very difficult subject to discuss full stop. Do men talk about things like this and offer each other support and constructive advice? So here is possibly one of the few places to talk about it.

May I congratulate all who have added to this thread for keeping it a calm and sensitive conversation and for not simply condemning the OP and others who have opened up about something which must be very personal and demoralising.

There was a recent edition of the guardian on Saturday which had a variety of articles about sex. One of them had an inter_iew with two couples who had decided to try to have sex daily for a year to see how it affected their relationships. One couple were British one American. I believe both wrote books.

They both discovered that more sex made them want more and it made them closer. If anyone can find a link it's definitely worth reading.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd wanna talk,nothing resolved?,walk

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

when the sparks gone the marrage is over, i didnt have sex with my ex for years before we split, when you get to that point theres no turning back, you cant fall back in love with someone you have grown apart from, its not something you do consciously, it just happens, a happy marrage shouldnt be hard work, i think if you have to fight to make yourself want to be with someone in reality you dont really want them your just forcing yourself to do what you dont really want

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

suppose I have to add, on a personal level...even if I was in such a relationship..I wouldnt be meeting other people..unless she was aware

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

[Removed by poster at 28/12/12 15:02:26]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There was a recent edition of the guardian on Saturday which had a variety of articles about sex. One of them had an inter_iew with two couples who had decided to try to have sex daily for a year to see how it affected their relationships. One couple were British one American. I believe both wrote books.

They both discovered that more sex made them want more and it made them closer. If anyone can find a link it's definitely worth reading."

I think that's a very interesting point you make there. Another study I read some time ago revealed that the more men have sex the more they want it, whereas with women, the less frequently they have sex the more likely they are to focus their attentions on other things.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 28/12/12 15:12:11]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I found that what put me off was the feeling of being pressured to have sex. There was never just affection and caring. Things as simple as making me a cuppa. Or a cuddle on the sofa. For me it was about the man I loved showing he cared. It was a quick kiss cuddle and come on lets get on with it. Really put me off. I wish that I has said something to him at the time but I was too tired looking after the 3 kids. Didn't feel particularly sexy because I never had any pamper time to myself. Try it. You never know making time for her to have a couple of hours a week for herself may improve how she feels about herself and you!!! I know it would have for me. Maybe plan a weekend for the 2 of you but let her know it is for relaxing and no pressure involved you might just be surprised.

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By *riendly foeWoman
over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814

Cant be bothered reading all the replies...

There is more to marriage than sex!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Cant be bothered reading all the replies...

There is more to marriage than sex!

Why bother replying then.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Cant be bothered reading all the replies...

There is more to marriage than sex!

thats fine if both parties feel the same, its when you get one that feels sex isnt important and the other who thinks it is that you have problems, you cant force someone not to want sex no more than you can force someone to want it

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

Why do people feel the need to justify their existence here - and always make out their cheating is down to the other parties lack of interest in sex?!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why do people feel the need to justify their existence here - and always make out their cheating is down to the other parties lack of interest in sex?!!

Probably for the same reason that others feel compelled to judge them.

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By *oe_Steve_NWestCouple
over a year ago

Bolton

There's no point - get divorced. Z

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why do people feel the need to justify their existence here - and always make out their cheating is down to the other parties lack of interest in sex?!!

I think the same. its not about judging what they do, its about judging their reasoning for why others should think its all OK

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why do people feel the need to justify their existence here - and always make out their cheating is down to the other parties lack of interest in sex?!!

I think the same. its not about judging what they do, its about judging their reasoning for why others should think its all OK"

The op asked a genuine question. If his wife has decided to shut up shop, pull the shutters down and go out of business then it's natural that he'd start shopping elsewhere.

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By *eeriseWoman
over a year ago

Manchester and that's all you need to know

"Hi fabs

Not sure if this is a question or moan but can someone please tell me what's the point in being married if there's no spark and absolutely no sex and I really mean (3 times in the last year)

Gosh OP that is a long time to wait, what was the answer from your wife when you asked her what's up?

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By *empting Devil.Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

"Why do people feel the need to justify their existence here - and always make out their cheating is down to the other parties lack of interest in sex?!!

I think the same. its not about judging what they do, its about judging their reasoning for why others should think its all OK"

He's not asking for us to tell him it's ok. He's asking for opinions and advice - best case scenario he gets constructive advice, acts on it, he and his wife move on to a better place and he waves us all farewell.

Worst case he ignores his wife, gets fed up with being judged on here and moves on to pof where he doesn't tell anyone he's married and behaves heartlessly and caddishly to single women looking for relationships not NSA sex.

The reality is probably somewhere inbetween.

Many of us reach out on here for support, comfort, advice and consolation. Why shouldn't the OP do the same?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why do people feel the need to justify their existence here - and always make out their cheating is down to the other parties lack of interest in sex?!!

I think the same. its not about judging what they do, its about judging their reasoning for why others should think its all OK

The reality is probably somewhere inbetween.

Many of us reach out on here for support, comfort, advice and consolation. Why shouldn't the OP do the same? "

and I think its being gullible not reading between the lines of the post....

I'm not anti-playing away people..but I dont see any reasoning to give it acceptability, as the option is clear to me. stay in or get out.

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By * n zCouple
over a year ago

leamington spa

"There's no point - get divorced. Z"

Agree ........ Sounds like you've grown apart in more ways than one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ok, let's try this one for size, hypothetically:

Married couple have grown apart, no sex. Their joint finances can barely support one home and most definately cannot support two once separated. There are two small children to provide a home for also.

If the man leaves, the woman has to put the children in full time nursery whilst working five days a week to pay for it. The man has limited income and can just about meet his own housing costs, let alone pay maintenance and assist with nursery fees.

If they stay together, for financial reasons as well as for the children, it is pretty much assured that there will be no sex at all in the marriage.

Should they split up?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok, let's try this one for size, hypothetically:

If they stay together, for financial reasons as well as for the children, it is pretty much assured that there will be no sex at all in the marriage.

Should they split up?"

possibly but it's no longer a marriage. Its a financial arrangement. marriage can sometimes also be a state of mind rather than a legal piece of paper

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By * n zCouple
over a year ago

leamington spa

It doesn't work like that, when you part if the woman works she'll get working families tax credit, and 70% of childcare paided for. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but not many couples would be trapped by a financial situation into not splitting up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It doesn't work like that, when you part if the woman works she'll get working families tax credit, and 70% of childcare paided for. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but not many couples would be trapped by a financial situation into not splitting up.

Not many? Really? I would say that most married people that are actually separated but living under the same roof are in this predicament. Life is expensive. Kids are expensive. Not many people can afford to move on and set up a new home in the blink of an eye.

The wife may well get extra benefits on her own, but the husband won't. He'll be stuck in a crappy bedsit, not seeing his kids, and absolutely skint from having to pay child maintenance plus for his new home. No man in his right mind would opt for that.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"Hi fabs

Not sure if this is a question or moan but can someone please tell me what's the point in being married if there's no spark and absolutely no sex and I really mean (3 times in the last year)

I have not read the entire thread, so apologies if I repeat what others may have suggested.

I would suggest you talk to your partner about how she sees the relationship and what she feels the future may hold. Then if you feel there is something between you worth holding on to I would advise you make an appointment with Relate. Relate counsellors will help you look at what is going on and if and how things can be rectified, or... if there is not enough "glue" in the relationship.

Even if you decide to split in the long term, relationship counselling can really help making things clearer.

Best wishes for you both.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Hi fabs

Looking at some of the replies it looks like I've caused a few of you to argue and didn't want that at all.

We all have our reasons for being on this site so will take more time to read and digest your comments.

Again sorry if its caused a few arguments

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By *oe_Steve_NWestCouple
over a year ago

Bolton

"Hi fabs

Looking at some of the replies it looks like I've caused a few of you to argue and didn't want that at all.

We all have our reasons for being on this site so will take more time to read and digest your comments.

Again sorry if its caused a few arguments "

You weren't looking for any answers - you were simply looking for vindication for your actions - you are a cheat - just think about this - how would you feel if you found out she was cheating on you and having kinky sex behind your back - feel nice? Z

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By * n zCouple
over a year ago

leamington spa

I'm afraid I don't know of anyone in that situation......I do however have several friends who split from their husbands, one of them has 5 children, none of them are rolling in money yet they manage very well.........

So in my experience the financial situation does not keep people together, and nor should it.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

So in my experience the financial situation does not keep people together, and nor should it."

And if people agree to stay together for a few more years for this reason then that would be their choice (rather then being forced) based on a number of things I guess.

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By * n zCouple
over a year ago

leamington spa

So in my experience the financial situation does not keep people together, and nor should it.

And if people agree to stay together for a few more years for this reason then that would be their choice (rather then being forced) based on a number of things I guess.

Absolutely, if that's what both partners agree on then fine. I personally don't think I'd be happy in that situation, and I don't think its great for the kids. I have friends who wish their parents split up sooner because of arguments and bad atmosphere in the house....but at the end of the day its a personal choice between two people.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

So in my experience the financial situation does not keep people together, and nor should it.

And if people agree to stay together for a few more years for this reason then that would be their choice (rather then being forced) based on a number of things I guess.

I agree - and I would not stay in an unhappy relationship for financial security either and I dont believe for one moment that the children would remain unaware, so not a brilliant idea but sometimes that is what people feel they want to do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So in my experience the financial situation does not keep people together, and nor should it.

And if people agree to stay together for a few more years for this reason then that would be their choice (rather then being forced) based on a number of things I guess.

I agree too, that kids know what's going on and can feel the atmosphere. Not a good life to live for them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi fabs

Looking at some of the replies it looks like I've caused a few of you to argue and didn't want that at all.

We all have our reasons for being on this site so will take more time to read and digest your comments.

Again sorry if its caused a few arguments "

It's just banter. Discussion. Differing opinions.

No need to apologise for anything.

(In my opinion)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So in my experience the financial situation does not keep people together, and nor should it.

And if people agree to stay together for a few more years for this reason then that would be their choice (rather then being forced) based on a number of things I guess.

I agree too, that kids know what's going on and can feel the atmosphere. Not a good life to live for them.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

So in my experience the financial situation does not keep people together, and nor should it.

And if people agree to stay together for a few more years for this reason then that would be their choice (rather then being forced) based on a number of things I guess.

I agree too, that kids know what's going on and can feel the atmosphere. Not a good life to live for them.

But I'm just trying to say that people don't always have a choice. I'm not talking about people staying together so they can be well off... I mean some people really don't have any choice as they just couldn't afford to live apart."
I can see where you are coming from. If splitting the household means financial hardship then that is not god for the kids either.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

So in my experience the financial situation does not keep people together, and nor should it.

And if people agree to stay together for a few more years for this reason then that would be their choice (rather then being forced) based on a number of things I guess.

I agree too, that kids know what's going on and can feel the atmosphere. Not a good life to live for them.

That was one of the things that stopped me from leaving my x , money. When I finally decided to leave him I left with 27p in my purse and my car. 4 years later I am just about out of debt and loving life. "
That must have been incredibly tough for you and I can only say "respect" for the courage you had and the stamina I guess for seeing it through.

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

Sit her down, tell her how you feel and suggest professional help.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So in my experience the financial situation does not keep people together, and nor should it.

And if people agree to stay together for a few more years for this reason then that would be their choice (rather then being forced) based on a number of things I guess.

I agree too, that kids know what's going on and can feel the atmosphere. Not a good life to live for them.

That was one of the things that stopped me from leaving my x , money. When I finally decided to leave him I left with 27p in my purse and my car. 4 years later I am just about out of debt and loving life. That must have been incredibly tough for you and I can only say "respect" for the courage you had and the stamina I guess for seeing it through.

Thank you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's very easy to sit there and tell someone else they shouldn't stay together for financial reasons but when faced with a bleak future in a lonely bedsit seeing the kids for 2 nights out of 14 while the ex keeps the house it doesn't feel like a very attractive prospect. I suggest that the OP starts making plans to extricate himself from his marriage so that he's financially independant from his wife when he does it.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"It's very easy to sit there and tell someone else they shouldn't stay together for financial reasons but when faced with a bleak future in a lonely bedsit seeing the kids for 2 nights out of 14 while the ex keeps the house it doesn't feel like a very attractive prospect. I suggest that the OP starts making plans to extricate himself from his marriage so that he's financially independant from his wife when he does it. "

Would you not agree, Wishy that they should seek some relationship counselling before to see if there is anything to salvage?

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

PS So glad the cock oic is back Thank you, much appreciated

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not every split is as acrimonious as yours was Wishy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Would you not agree, Wishy that they should seek some relationship counselling before to see if there is anything to salvage? "

Yes, they should, but there's no gaurantees it will be successful, and Relate won't tell you how to (re)structure your finances.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its very easy to say alsorts when your not faced with it

Some people have no idea how the real world works, if your happy with you life and you marrage is good its hard to have a real opinion about something and what you would do in a situation your not faced with or a choise you dont have to make

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Would you not agree, Wishy that they should seek some relationship counselling before to see if there is anything to salvage? "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not every split is as acrimonious as yours was Wishy."

I still had to put in a lot of miles every other weekend to keep it acrimonious. When I told my ex/w that Siren was expecting, her first reaction was how it would affect my eldest child and whether maintenance payments would reduce. The acrimonious part has only ever been surface deep, but I choose not to argue with her until she really oversteps the mark.

Hypothetically speaking, if the same thing were to happen now with me & Siren, I'd end up moving back down south (as I have no friends or family up here) and I'd be doing the same trip in reverse for the next 16 years at least. Finances *do* present barriers to separation, whether some people say otherwise or not.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Would you not agree, Wishy that they should seek some relationship counselling before to see if there is anything to salvage?

depends if saving your marrage is what you want, i wouldnt have gone for counselling because i had no interest at all in saving my marrage so it would have been a pointless exercise for me and i would have ben just going thro the motions"
Sure, and sometimes that is what needs to happen (for some people) to formalise/verbalise that their relationship is at an end. For some, however, things are not so clear at times and they may think their relationship is over but going through counselling they realise that over the years too much bad stuff, tkaing the other for granted etc has made them feel that way. In that case the counselling could be a way back to recovery. I guess it just depends on the individual case.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"Finances *do* present barriers to separation, whether some people say otherwise or not."
I totally hear and acknowledge that, Wishy - and it is easier to make judgments from an armchair. I can speak from experience that often all good intentions to keep things amicable are forgotten the moment finances are involved. I personally was/ am lucky in that respect but several of my friends have fought bitter battles.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"PS So glad the cock oic is back Thank you, much appreciated

I aim to please!

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By *acreadCouple
over a year ago

central scotland

Not sure if its only the sex that's an issue with the OP or if the marriage is dead/dying.

Me and my ex went through some very unhappy years in a dead marriage but due to circumstances which I don't wish to go into we stayed together but once the reason for us not being together was no longer there we split within weeks and I dare say we were both in happier relationships within a year.

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By *rank_SimoneCouple
over a year ago

Bideford

Most marriages are sexless ......... because we only make love.

But as the years go on the need to make love becomes less and less as one good session lasts a long time.

Thats why many many married couples start swinging ..... not because they are missing something in their lives but because they want sex.

Thats whats makes the difference being able to distinguish between love and sex.

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By *iggamanMan
over a year ago

London

"Hi fabs

Looking at some of the replies it looks like I've caused a few of you to argue and didn't want that at all.

We all have our reasons for being on this site so will take more time to read and digest your comments.

Again sorry if its caused a few arguments

wow just a bit OTT don't you think Z???

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi fabs

Looking at some of the replies it looks like I've caused a few of you to argue and didn't want that at all.

We all have our reasons for being on this site so will take more time to read and digest your comments.

Again sorry if its caused a few arguments

wow just a bit OTT don't you think Z??? "

A slightly abrasive post... But still a very good question..........

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You weren't looking for any answers - you were simply looking for vindication for your actions - you are a cheat - just think about this - how would you feel if you found out she was cheating on you and having kinky sex behind your back - feel nice? Z

In that situation I'd make the connection that is wasn't sex my wife had gone off, it was sex with me she no longer wanted, and I'd wish her well for the future and then go and pack.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think whats best for alot who find them self unhappy for some reason is to go to your local Relate group ... and chat to a counselor as that can help so much getting things and feelings out in the open .... x And not sure but think its free too.

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By *vanitchybumMan
over a year ago

Leeds

Sexless marriages (less than 10x a yr is the accepted qualification) are becoming more and more common. There are a number of considered reasons, but research at Oxford University Hospital are finding that many middle-aged women (30-50) are showing signs of decreased testosterone. Although many think oestrogen is the female sex hormone, women actually have 10x more testosterone that oestrogen under normal healthy circumstances. Recent studies show that possibly 30-50% of women may have significantly low levels, leading to a loss of libido. It is easily diagnosed with a blood test, and there are now very safe testosterone patches which give very low doses which ensure females don't gain body hair and masculine features as a result which used to happen with high concentration hormone injections, implants or tablets. Unfortunately, the NHS has decreed that these are not a necessary treatment and cost-cutting means they are mostly unavailable on prescription I am told. The other major hurdle is getting a partner to accept that maybe all is not well in that department, which is where I am right now. My partner is more keen on me see a depression therapist and ending up on anti-depressants which I think she hopes will lower my libido than accepting that she is possibly behaving outside of the perceived average behaviour patterns for a healthy middle aged loving couple with a friendly and stable relationship and family.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

why is it assumed that a sexless marriage is always down to the woman going off sex? Some are due to men going off sex or becoming impotent and refusing to seek help.

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By *edbagioMan
over a year ago

ripon

"why is it assumed that a sexless marriage is always down to the woman going off sex? Some are due to men going off sex or becoming impotent and refusing to seek help."
don't talk daft men having to work harder

so less energy to give it what for;

also ladies catch their pray.

then let their selves go stands to reason don't it

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By * n zCouple
over a year ago

leamington spa

"I think whats best for alot who find them self unhappy for some reason is to go to your local Relate group ... and chat to a counselor as that can help so much getting things and feelings out in the open .... x And not sure but think its free too."

Unfortunately Relate is not free......its around the £40 mark for an hours session, you can get it reduced to half price under certain financial situations.

Having said that, I'm glad my ex and I attended it, even though we are no longer together, it made him listen to me, something which he was very bad at doing, it made him realise there was nothing left for us after 24 years, I no longer loved or respected him.......

We are both happier and in New relationships after 2 years, and financialy I am no worse off than when we were together, as he was a tight git!!!!!

And I have 3 kids aged 14, 11 and 7 too.

Good luck to the OP xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ok here we go

Spa day, suite at the lace market hotel, Jamie Oliver and pink lanson all booked for next weekend so if the magic happens then great if not at least it will be a good night sleep

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"why is it assumed that a sexless marriage is always down to the woman going off sex? Some are due to men going off sex or becoming impotent and refusing to seek help.don't talk daft men having to work harder

so less energy to give it what for;

also ladies catch their pray.

then let their selves go stands to reason don't it

Oh of course...silly me

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

[Removed by poster at 30/12/12 19:45:56]

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

"Ok here we go

Spa day, suite at the lace market hotel, Jamie Oliver and pink lanson all booked for next weekend so if the magic happens then great if not at least it will be a good night sleep

good luck, have a nice time, if it doesn't go back to basics and grab a fish chips in paper and suggest a nice walk, hold hands and just enjoy each other rather than frills.....

she may miss the old you...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

1t might just be she doesn't love you anymore.

I found that out the hard way !!! married for 20 years loved her to bits thought she felt the same but !!!!

sex was a problem I wanted it she didn't, I put it down to, the kids, my job as I worked away, her job as lots of stress from it financial worries on her part but we always managed !!!

However it was none of the above it was down to the fact she no longer loved me and hadn't for years.

It took our first hoilday away together in nearly 20 years for me to find out that she was having an affair...

Broke my heart but she said there was no going back....

We where divorced 6 months later and tbh she turned into a bitch I haven't seen her or spoken to her in over 4 years.

For my part as hard as it all was it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

I landed a great job that lasted for 4 fantastic years met a girlfriend who was great for me and we stayed together for nearly 3 years, I have now met someone new and she hopefully is the one.

My ex has had more boyfriends than I care to think about is always complaining is never happy and has just introduced her latest to my sons !!!

The grass is always greener so they say !!

To the OP find out what the cause is don't leave it to late like I did.

I truly hope things work out for you....

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"1t might just be she doesn't love you anymore.

I found that out the hard way !!! married for 20 years loved her to bits thought she felt the same but !!!!

sex was a problem I wanted it she didn't, I put it down to, the kids, my job as I worked away, her job as lots of stress from it financial worries on her part but we always managed !!!

However it was none of the above it was down to the fact she no longer loved me and hadn't for years.

It took our first hoilday away together in nearly 20 years for me to find out that she was having an affair...

Broke my heart but she said there was no going back....

We where divorced 6 months later and tbh she turned into a bitch I haven't seen her or spoken to her in over 4 years.

For my part as hard as it all was it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

I landed a great job that lasted for 4 fantastic years met a girlfriend who was great for me and we stayed together for nearly 3 years, I have now met someone new and she hopefully is the one.

My ex has had more boyfriends than I care to think about is always complaining is never happy and has just introduced her latest to my sons !!!

The grass is always greener so they say !!

To the OP find out what the cause is don't leave it to late like I did.

I truly hope things work out for you....

"
cheers matey

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By *ayb1970Man
over a year ago

Somerset

Same here guys...sex became less and less and when it did happen ,i would get told hurry up or sorry stop i just cant do it!then told all her friends dont like it etc and this normally turned into a debate and then shouting etc which split us apart!

I need sex and want to be close also but its caused us to live separate lives,but due to money and children have too still live together.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I must be one of the lucky bar stewards... We have a great sex life.. there are times when we don't eg. Sickness, stress at work/family etc. But the one thing that has held true is our friendship and openness with each other.

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By *iggamanMan
over a year ago

London

"Ok here we go

Spa day, suite at the lace market hotel, Jamie Oliver and pink lanson all booked for next weekend so if the magic happens then great if not at least it will be a good night sleep

good luck to you hope it all works out for you and her if not at least you tried

but hey if it don't workout your all ready set up on here as a single male

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