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Helper Syndrome

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By *ssex_tom OP   Man
over a year ago

Chelmsford

Tom has read that helper syndrome is where a person would rather look after someone else's needs before their own. Do any fabbers recognise this.?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yup. I destroyed myself trying to fix my ex

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm always helping other people eat their food. It's a curse.

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By *opinovMan
over a year ago

Point Nemo, Cumbria

Yes, it's a habit I'm trying to kick with limited success.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Tom has read that helper syndrome is where a person would rather look after someone else's needs before their own. Do any fabbers recognise this.?"

Yep, where to start with that one

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By *hePerkyPumpkinTV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol

100% this is me.

Hate dealing with my own shit.

Happy to help others with their shit.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
over a year ago

Carlisle usually

I'm working hard on being more selfish so I stop doing this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Yup. I destroyed myself trying to fix my ex "

I know this feeling all too well

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By *iscean_dreamMan
over a year ago

Llanelli

Yes, I've tried really hard to help people in the past

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Tom has read that helper syndrome is where a person would rather look after someone else's needs before their own. Do any fabbers recognise this.?"

Very much so I'm afraid...almost to the point of suicide...still recovering but I know I'll never be capable of a relationship because of it

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

Yep. Totally me

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

Is there an opposite to this?

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By *ayden_82Man
over a year ago

corby

Yep i put everyone others needs before mine. Trying my best to put myself first this year

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts


"Yep. Totally me

"

Although this is only people in my life who I care about, not just anyone. So not sure if that counts.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Yes I notice a lot of people have this trait. I tend to think that if you don't look after yourself you eventually become unable to look after anyone else. I don't believe it's a good trait to have at it's extreme

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By *r_North-EastMan
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

That sound very much like my mam. She doesn’t ever do anything for her own benefit yet won’t say no to anyone if they ask her for anything.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Yes I notice a lot of people have this trait. I tend to think that if you don't look after yourself you eventually become unable to look after anyone else. I don't believe it's a good trait to have at it's extreme "

its just another form of self abandonment really. Not good at all.

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

I don't recognise it in myself, no

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Yes I notice a lot of people have this trait. I tend to think that if you don't look after yourself you eventually become unable to look after anyone else. I don't believe it's a good trait to have at it's extreme

its just another form of self abandonment really. Not good at all. "

No. I'll help my family without question to the best of my ability but I recognise when I've reached my limit (I learned this the hard way)

I also think it's very easy to get caught up in the helping loop to the detriment of your main relationships

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By *ittleMissCaliWoman
over a year ago

all loved up


"Tom has read that helper syndrome is where a person would rather look after someone else's needs before their own. Do any fabbers recognise this.?"
yup... I have done this totally last year. This year I refuse ..I've run myself into the ground

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

I have heard of it but only recently. It was given as an example of a red flag.

This was in relation to a particular scenario though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I like to help people I don’t like. I help them to not be around me.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London


"Yes I notice a lot of people have this trait. I tend to think that if you don't look after yourself you eventually become unable to look after anyone else. I don't believe it's a good trait to have at it's extreme "

It can make you quite unwell.

I still try to help as much as possible, but it's getting harder and harder.

I let myself get to rock bottom and ended up very ill.

You don't realise until it's too late.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"Yes I notice a lot of people have this trait. I tend to think that if you don't look after yourself you eventually become unable to look after anyone else. I don't believe it's a good trait to have at it's extreme

its just another form of self abandonment really. Not good at all. "

And avoidance - if you always adopt a lose-win stance , you can guarantee you will lose and never be disappointed by it. It can be hard for people to recover from

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

I used to but it wasn't good for mu mental health. I still help others but keep a check on myself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't think it has to be a bad thing. We can all bear greater weights, mentally and physically. If I can help someone close to me more than they can help me then why not ? And maybe they will do the same one day when the roles are reversed.

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By *TG3Man
over a year ago

Dorchester

Yep i helped my ex and her daughter put them totally first and she actually accused me of using her for sex (i never used anyone in my life) i stopped having sex with her and relationship broke down

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"I don't think it has to be a bad thing. We can all bear greater weights, mentally and physically. If I can help someone close to me more than they can help me then why not ? And maybe they will do the same one day when the roles are reversed."

No it isn't bad to help people who can't reciprocate at the time of ever but not to the detriment of yourself or family.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

I've spent my life looking after others and trying to help them. When you're asked to do that from being a young child, it becomes part of your psyche and personality. It's very difficult to stop doing or pull away from, because the longer you are seen as the "fixer" or "do-er", the more people ask you to fix/do.

Leo says he'd hope people would reciprocate help they receive. My experience tells me that they most often do not and when someone known to help others requires help themselves, it is assumed they don't need any help and are left to manage by themselves.

It is very, very difficult to try and change what has become a fundamental part of your very existence. I speak from experience.

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By *onnie 90Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

My boyfriend fits the bill. Often skipping meals to make sure someone's OK. It got to the point where his life wasn't his own. He was living everyone else's for them. My BF had "helpers syndrome" and those he helped developed strong dependency issues. A match made in hell.

It took him a long time to get back to himself and not reach for the car keys ready to head out of the door everytime the phone rang. He's fine now thankfully but I still keep a sneaky eye on him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't think it has to be a bad thing. We can all bear greater weights, mentally and physically. If I can help someone close to me more than they can help me then why not ? And maybe they will do the same one day when the roles are reversed.

No it isn't bad to help people who can't reciprocate at the time of ever but not to the detriment of yourself or family."

But helping others always has a cost, in time and mental and physical energy. I've exhausted myself and spent large sums helping others I cared for and loved - it was to my detriment in many ways, but a price I was happy to pay.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

I wonder if when dug deeper into it comes from children who were shown love and affection when they were sacrificing parts of themselves and felt like they had to earn parental love instead of it being unconditional, and that being carried on into adulthood.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"I've spent my life looking after others and trying to help them. When you're asked to do that from being a young child, it becomes part of your psyche and personality. It's very difficult to stop doing or pull away from, because the longer you are seen as the "fixer" or "do-er", the more people ask you to fix/do.

Leo says he'd hope people would reciprocate help they receive. My experience tells me that they most often do not and when someone known to help others requires help themselves, it is assumed they don't need any help and are left to manage by themselves.

It is very, very difficult to try and change what has become a fundamental part of your very existence. I speak from experience. "

I very much agree with this.

My brother will call me to ask how our dad is, despite driving past his house morning and evening daily.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West


"I wonder if when dug deeper into it comes from children who were shown love and affection when they were sacrificing parts of themselves and felt like they had to earn parental love instead of it being unconditional, and that being carried on into adulthood.

"

I identify with this, in many ways.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've spent my life looking after others and trying to help them. When you're asked to do that from being a young child, it becomes part of your psyche and personality. It's very difficult to stop doing or pull away from, because the longer you are seen as the "fixer" or "do-er", the more people ask you to fix/do.

Leo says he'd hope people would reciprocate help they receive. My experience tells me that they most often do not and when someone known to help others requires help themselves, it is assumed they don't need any help and are left to manage by themselves.

It is very, very difficult to try and change what has become a fundamental part of your very existence. I speak from experience. "

I probably didn't phrase it well as I didn't mean I expected or wanted reciprocation. People who need a lot of help will usually remain that way. I guess I've always been seen as a doer or organiser but have never done so unwillingly. I do appreciate that the situation is often different for women who get allocated that role in families by default.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I could describe the exact moment mine originates from. Knowing the why or how doesn't change how it changed me though

I have learned many ways to manage it now over these last few years.

I'm teaching my children balance, hopefully it stops with me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"100% this is me.

Hate dealing with my own shit.

Happy to help others with their shit."

I’m exactly the same

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't think it has to be a bad thing. We can all bear greater weights, mentally and physically. If I can help someone close to me more than they can help me then why not ? And maybe they will do the same one day when the roles are reversed."

Absolutely yes mutual help is the ideal, but I think this more refers to it becoming detrimental to the helper, in that they abandon their own basic needs and well being.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West


"I've spent my life looking after others and trying to help them. When you're asked to do that from being a young child, it becomes part of your psyche and personality. It's very difficult to stop doing or pull away from, because the longer you are seen as the "fixer" or "do-er", the more people ask you to fix/do.

Leo says he'd hope people would reciprocate help they receive. My experience tells me that they most often do not and when someone known to help others requires help themselves, it is assumed they don't need any help and are left to manage by themselves.

It is very, very difficult to try and change what has become a fundamental part of your very existence. I speak from experience.

I probably didn't phrase it well as I didn't mean I expected or wanted reciprocation. People who need a lot of help will usually remain that way. I guess I've always been seen as a doer or organiser but have never done so unwillingly. I do appreciate that the situation is often different for women who get allocated that role in families by default."

There's definitely an assumption that women will automatically shoulder more of the caring/doing/organising, even when they are children. My comments don't only refer to family, but also to friends. I know that when my disability started, I did not receive the support I thought I might get from people I thought were good friends, and who had so often sought my help/advice/support etc.

I am trying to learn to be a bit more selfish, but in doing so, I experience feelings of horrific guilt.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I wonder if when dug deeper into it comes from children who were shown love and affection when they were sacrificing parts of themselves and felt like they had to earn parental love instead of it being unconditional, and that being carried on into adulthood.

"

Absolutely. Holding boundaries, even if I feel like the most selfish heel for doing it, is now my mantra. Otherwise people with conflicting needs just drain you. The sad part is some people who do it more easily, get away with it, and others who are usually expected to care, don't.

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By *rs322Woman
over a year ago

sandy


"Tom has read that helper syndrome is where a person would rather look after someone else's needs before their own. Do any fabbers recognise this.?"

Sounds like parenting to me

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By *ssex_tom OP   Man
over a year ago

Chelmsford

From the replies it's more than that and an incredible open thread ..

Tom feels humbled and respectful for those opening themselves on the thread..

HNY

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By *rs322Woman
over a year ago

sandy


"I wonder if when dug deeper into it comes from children who were shown love and affection when they were sacrificing parts of themselves and felt like they had to earn parental love instead of it being unconditional, and that being carried on into adulthood.

"

On a serious note,

I did agree with this!

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