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How do you talk to someone that won’t listen?

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By *otdave75 OP   Man
over a year ago

Chandlers Ford

I live with my ex and kids which in itself is a nightmare. But she keeps doing stupid things and saying stupid things to alienate herself even more from the kids. Naturally it always ends up being my fault and when the kids react they are referred to as mini-me…… which isolates everyone even more. She won’t listen when I try to explain what she’s doing despite it being obvious. Before you say it, yes, I should have left but she refuses to sell the house. Any agony aunts or uncles out there?

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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago

Maidstone

I just binge watched the first series of Couple Therapy on BBC iPlayer.

There were couples there who've decided to split once the children have grown up. But until then, they wanted to function as good parents together.

I can't wait to binge watch the second series...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's hard only having one side of the story but if you're all gonna be living under the same roof, it'd obviously be way better to try do that amicably. Can you try call a new year truce and sit down to talk calmly, just you two, not the kids so it's not like ganging up? Even both write some things down if it gets too heated to try bring things up verbally. Maybe pieces of paper with 3 things you need to talk about and the other has to listen.

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By *otdave75 OP   Man
over a year ago

Chandlers Ford

Tried email, paper etc. I’m quite a calm person which I know pisses her off now, but not sure what I can do , I not gonna be suddenly reactive and an arse. Though she thinks I am an arse. Anyways, I know this is only one side, life’s shit eh!?

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By *iger4uWoman
over a year ago

In my happy place


"Tried email, paper etc. I’m quite a calm person which I know pisses her off now, but not sure what I can do , I not gonna be suddenly reactive and an arse. Though she thinks I am an arse. Anyways, I know this is only one side, life’s shit eh!?"

Things won't improve without action.

Leave. Apply for custody.

Put everything you can in your name.

Or continue as you are and do nothing.

Or what about her parents, siblings, any influence.

Legal advice maybe?

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By *otdave75 OP   Man
over a year ago

Chandlers Ford

Been to cab and lawyers, problem is we own the house 50/50, not that she has contributed anything. She has no immediate family.

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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago

Maidstone


"Anyways, I know this is only one side, life’s shit eh!?"

Exactly so as individuals we can be pretty fucked up. In combination all that shit manifests themselves in the most screwed up way.

I know I keep banging on about Couple Therapy, but that programme (well edited to keep you interested) brings out a lot of issues which I am sure we can all identify with and work on...

It's not going to be easy if you want to go to root of problems. Often we put up smoke-and-mirrors to entrench our positions.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

Would you/she consider some form of counselling or mediation? Clearly to facilitate living together and your children not being in the middle is important. Don't underestimate the impact on your children, by the way. Being used as pawns by parents (whoever is right/wrong) is horrible and I don't exaggerate to say I wholly resent being put in that position as a child myself.

When I split from my son's father, I allowed myself to be fully used as a doormat just so he didn't experience the same feeling of being pulled in different directions. That was a shit experience for me, but I was the one in the position of responsibility and I had to just put my big girl pants on and take it. I was only 17 when we split, by the way, so I wasn't exactly a fully fledged adult but I worked my socks off to minimise and mitigate the impact on my son.

Whatever you do or don't do, keep your kids interests firmly in front - they are innocent parties and have no control over the situation they find themselves in.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Been to cab and lawyers, problem is we own the house 50/50, not that she has contributed anything. She has no immediate family."

She doesn’t, but you do?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wave your arms like u trying to land a very big airplane …

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry hear that is very sad

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By *edstockings2Couple
over a year ago

Ilfracombe

The court can make an order for the matrimonial home to be put on the market as part of the divorce settlement, it's worth looking into.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I live with my ex and kids which in itself is a nightmare. But she keeps doing stupid things and saying stupid things to alienate herself even more from the kids. Naturally it always ends up being my fault and when the kids react they are referred to as mini-me…… which isolates everyone even more. She won’t listen when I try to explain what she’s doing despite it being obvious. Before you say it, yes, I should have left but she refuses to sell the house. Any agony aunts or uncles out there? "

Sounds like a solicitor would be more helpful

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like you're banging your head against a brick wall. I would move out for my own sanity, ensure I saw my kids as often as I could and seek legal advice.

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By *ubandsubCouple
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

Did the whole living together for 6 month after we split, for the sake of the children, it didnt work, it made matters worse, it hurt our children, my advice is get out, either take your children with you or leave them there. The house can be sorted later. Your childrens welfare is worth more than money.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I mean we are only getting one side of the story from your narrative so it's hard to advise. What I will say is that splitting up with someone and living together is going to cause tension. What you see as 'stupid' might be built up resentment and stress. If you can't live together in peace then you need to live apart. In terms of the kids, her relationship with them is none of your business and vice versa. Don't project your view of her onto them, let them decide for theirselves what relationship they have. It's a tough situation, you can't control others but you can change how you react to things and handle yourself.

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds


" problem is we own the house 50/50, not that she has contributed anything. "

Has she not contributed by bringing up the children, cooking, cleaning etc ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I live with my ex and kids which in itself is a nightmare. But she keeps doing stupid things and saying stupid things to alienate herself even more from the kids. Naturally it always ends up being my fault and when the kids react they are referred to as mini-me…… which isolates everyone even more. She won’t listen when I try to explain what she’s doing despite it being obvious. Before you say it, yes, I should have left but she refuses to sell the house. Any agony aunts or uncles out there? "

What does she say that's stupid?

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

How old are the kids ?

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By *TG3Man
over a year ago

Dorchester

You can say exactly what you want...... She's not listening anyway........ Just get out, in this situation you lose anyway whether you stay or not...... Kids take their mums side if sides are a feature and the house can be sold eventually, just go that's what I did it was rough for a couple of years but I'm on top of it now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good luck op. (I tried that) I found it couldn’t be done. Even when I get along fine with my ex, the arguments started to creep in. And they would have gotten worse.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I live with my ex and kids which in itself is a nightmare. But she keeps doing stupid things and saying stupid things to alienate herself even more from the kids. Naturally it always ends up being my fault and when the kids react they are referred to as mini-me…… which isolates everyone even more. She won’t listen when I try to explain what she’s doing despite it being obvious. Before you say it, yes, I should have left but she refuses to sell the house. Any agony aunts or uncles out there? "

If she's refusing to then you should leave. Living with someone you're no longer with and don't get on with is hell, so yeah she is going to act "stupidly". It's not good for her, you, and it's definitely not good for the kids.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Feel for you Op, shitty thing to go through as someone who has experienced this my advice is to get speaking to a solicitor first before anyone else, find out legally where you stand. Shit situation to be in and its took me a few years to recover from it and I thought nothing ever bothered me! Good luck and hope you can sort something out soon

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