FabSwingers.com forum: Skill swap

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Feels like it's been a bit heavy on here lately

Let's see how we can all help each other out...

I need someone to come and do a final clean of my house for Xmas as tbh I really can't be arsed doing it yet again.

In return, I am a dab hand at flat pack and make a mean martini.

What do you need?

What can you offer?

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By *lephantisMan
over a year ago

Oxford

I'm a slow cleaner, I'm afraid, Ms. Christmas, though thorough. But if anyone needs a poem analysed, or a bedtime story read to them, I'm your chap.

As for what I need...I've been wrapping presents for hours and am so very tired and bored. Any help on that would be deeply appreciated.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm a slow cleaner, I'm afraid, Ms. Christmas, though thorough. But if anyone needs a poem analysed, or a bedtime story read to them, I'm your chap.

As for what I need...I've been wrapping presents for hours and am so very tired and bored. Any help on that would be deeply appreciated.

I can wrap presents! I've been doing it all night. Not in desperate need of a poem or bedtime story though...hmmmm, can you sing? Play a musical instrument?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I get my maids outfit then shall I

I can teach you how to walk in 8-9 inch heels

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By *ax19862002Man
over a year ago

Ayrshire

I'm a pretty good Cook

Can't iron

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Here, this could work!

I can't cook, but can iron. And I can walk in stupid heels but I'll defo take up the maid offer Natalie

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By *lephantisMan
over a year ago

Oxford

"I'm a slow cleaner, I'm afraid, Ms. Christmas, though thorough. But if anyone needs a poem analysed, or a bedtime story read to them, I'm your chap.

As for what I need...I've been wrapping presents for hours and am so very tired and bored. Any help on that would be deeply appreciated.

I can wrap presents! I've been doing it all night. Not in desperate need of a poem or bedtime story though...hmmmm, can you sing? Play a musical instrument?

I can and do both - classical and flamenco guitar, but I've been in bands, too. Are you setting up a very late night gig?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm a slow cleaner, I'm afraid, Ms. Christmas, though thorough. But if anyone needs a poem analysed, or a bedtime story read to them, I'm your chap.

As for what I need...I've been wrapping presents for hours and am so very tired and bored. Any help on that would be deeply appreciated.

I can wrap presents! I've been doing it all night. Not in desperate need of a poem or bedtime story though...hmmmm, can you sing? Play a musical instrument?

I can and do both - classical and flamenco guitar, but I've been in bands, too. Are you setting up a very late night gig?

Sure, why not?! Everyone bring your unwrapped presents and ironing to mine! Party on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Here, this could work!

I can't cook, but can iron. And I can walk in stupid heels but I'll defo take up the maid offer Natalie

Ok done deal ha ha

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By *lephantisMan
over a year ago

Oxford

Sure, why not?! Everyone bring your unwrapped presents and ironing to mine! Party on

The "It's A Wrap" gig is on!

I can cook, too. Shall I start in the kitchen or in your minstrels' gallery?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Sure, why not?! Everyone bring your unwrapped presents and ironing to mine! Party on

The "It's A Wrap" gig is on!

I can cook, too. Shall I start in the kitchen or in your minstrels' gallery?"

My minstrels gallery is about 12ftx12ft and currently has a bike in it...so I'd go kitchen

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By *N4funCouple
over a year ago

Manchester

Can cook, clean and rap presents. Crap at music but the better half used to be in a local brass band

Broad shoulders so could be the roadie

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Can cook, clean and rap presents. Crap at music but the better half used to be in a local brass band

Broad shoulders so could be the roadie "

OK, you're both in

I feel like we're gonna need some drivers if everyone's heading to mine. And maybe a stripper or two

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can I come to your gathering and offer any skills?!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Can I come to your gathering and offer any skills?!!

We have a very strict vetting process...whatcha offering?

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By *lephantisMan
over a year ago

Oxford

I've just wrapped another four presents.

This party can't come soon enough. Meanwhile, anyone for salmon blini?

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By *N4funCouple
over a year ago

Manchester

"Can cook, clean and rap presents. Crap at music but the better half used to be in a local brass band

Broad shoulders so could be the roadie

OK, you're both in

I feel like we're gonna need some drivers if everyone's heading to mine. And maybe a stripper or two

Hope the stripper gives lessons, Mrs says I suck at doing strip tease, to impatient to get my cloths off

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By *N4funCouple
over a year ago

Manchester

A party of this calibre, needs to be caviar blinis

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Can cook, clean and rap presents. Crap at music but the better half used to be in a local brass band

Broad shoulders so could be the roadie

OK, you're both in

I feel like we're gonna need some drivers if everyone's heading to mine. And maybe a stripper or two

Hope the stripper gives lessons, Mrs says I suck at doing strip tease, to impatient to get my cloths off

Checked your pics...you guys are in. I never claimed this was a meritocracy

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've just wrapped another four presents.

This party can't come soon enough. Meanwhile, anyone for salmon blini?"

I'm going to bed now but if you could just wake me up with appetisers and music when you get here that would be lovely, thanks!

Can't wait to see all the new connections that've been made by the time I wake up

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By *lephantisMan
over a year ago

Oxford

"I've just wrapped another four presents.

This party can't come soon enough. Meanwhile, anyone for salmon blini?

I'm going to bed now but if you could just wake me up with appetisers and music when you get here that would be lovely, thanks!

Can't wait to see all the new connections that've been made by the time I wake up

Goodnight, and sleep well. Let me know when you want your alarm call.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Clean the house , then give you a massage after you helping me wrap my presents and ironing my clothes.

By that point hopefully we both will be needing something else from each other

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By *lephantisMan
over a year ago

Oxford

"I've just wrapped another four presents.

This party can't come soon enough. Meanwhile, anyone for salmon blini?

I'm going to bed now but if you could just wake me up with appetisers and music when you get here that would be lovely, thanks!

Can't wait to see all the new connections that've been made by the time I wake up

Coffee on the bedside table; breakfast/concert when you are ready.

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By *piderBunnyCouple
over a year ago

Back of Nowhere and Beyond

I love wrapping presents, I'm a decent baker and I give excellent snuggles.

And I'm in need of someone to be me for a couple hours so they can go into the out for me and complete my errands and I can stay in and wait for the front door to be fixed.

Thank you

Posh

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I can offer individual gift wrap, sewing, embroidery or crochet in return for sorting our bookshelves by category and author.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Brb

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We can come and clear all the unwanted/unhealthy alcohol from your house....

In return could somebody wrap all our presents please!

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By *lephantisMan
over a year ago

Oxford

"I can offer individual gift wrap, sewing, embroidery or crochet in return for sorting our bookshelves by category and author. "

I've finished my wrapping, but this is exactly the sort of task I'd love to do.

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By *piderBunnyCouple
over a year ago

Back of Nowhere and Beyond

"I can offer individual gift wrap, sewing, embroidery or crochet in return for sorting our bookshelves by category and author. "

Oooh... would you crochet me a cuddly penis toy? I saw them on etsy the other day and thought they were so cute.

And consider the bookshelves done

Posh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Feels like it's been a bit heavy on here lately

Let's see how we can all help each other out...

I need someone to come and do a final clean of my house for Xmas as tbh I really can't be arsed doing it yet again.

In return, I am a dab hand at flat pack and make a mean martini.

What do you need?

What can you offer? "

Naked Cleaning

Naked chef

Cooks and washes up after

Adds Security with body cam radios

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By *eartsmanMan
over a year ago

southeast , midlands, southern France

I'll do the washing up if someone cooks me Xmas dinner

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've just wrapped another four presents.

This party can't come soon enough. Meanwhile, anyone for salmon blini?

I'm going to bed now but if you could just wake me up with appetisers and music when you get here that would be lovely, thanks!

Can't wait to see all the new connections that've been made by the time I wake up

Coffee on the bedside table; breakfast/concert when you are ready.

I thought I had dreamed Kim Kardashian was delivering my coffee! That pic is funny

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By *lephantisMan
over a year ago

Oxford

"I've just wrapped another four presents.

This party can't come soon enough. Meanwhile, anyone for salmon blini?

I'm going to bed now but if you could just wake me up with appetisers and music when you get here that would be lovely, thanks!

Can't wait to see all the new connections that've been made by the time I wake up

Coffee on the bedside table; breakfast/concert when you are ready.

I thought I had dreamed Kim Kardashian was delivering my coffee! That pic is funny

It's a unique room service, certainly.

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By *ungle VIP 1Man
over a year ago

colchester

Im a ggod cook and wash up after myself, but i cant be arsed to work today if anyone can help

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By *rtyIanMan
over a year ago

Gateway to the Beacons

I can cook, write poems, do some art, I'm house trained and can do all chores.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would happily pop on the apron for a bit of cleaning xx

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I can offer individual gift wrap, sewing, embroidery or crochet in return for sorting our bookshelves by category and author.

I've finished my wrapping, but this is exactly the sort of task I'd love to do.

And the sort of task I really dislike

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I need someone to wrap the presents I bought all neatly and tidily. In return, I can clean and hoover (never miss out the skirting boards) and I can make a mean coffee

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

I can do an incredible sports massage, kneeding big muscles. I can offer wonderful sexual relief in exchange, as well as some great plant help

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I can do an incredible sports massage, kneeding big muscles. I can offer wonderful sexual relief in exchange, as well as some great plant help "

I bagsy that!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I need someone to wrap the presents I bought all neatly and tidily. In return, I can clean and hoover (never miss out the skirting boards) and I can make a mean coffee

I'll take him.

Thanks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Feels like it's been a bit heavy on here lately

Let's see how we can all help each other out...

I need someone to come and do a final clean of my house for Xmas as tbh I really can't be arsed doing it yet again.

In return, I am a dab hand at flat pack and make a mean martini.

What do you need?

What can you offer? "

I’ll do it In return for a wank

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By *ose-tinted GlassesMan
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

I’m still interested in Mary’s martinis. Mary, how about I do the cooking and you mix the drinks?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'll swap an actual massage, not a prelude to sex massage, for any DIY that requires a tool that I own.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

My garden needs tilling.

I'll provide tea, sandwiches and annoying "you missed a bit" dialogue.

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By *ocky82Man
over a year ago

Watford

I’m a plasterer Xx

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By *lowercandyWoman
over a year ago

Lancashire

"I'm a slow cleaner, I'm afraid, Ms. Christmas, though thorough. But if anyone needs a poem analysed, or a bedtime story read to them, I'm your chap.

As for what I need...I've been wrapping presents for hours and am so very tired and bored. Any help on that would be deeply appreciated.

Oh I used to love wrapping gifts, coordinating papers, ribbons and bits...

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By *ocky82Man
over a year ago

Watford

"I can do an incredible sports massage, kneeding big muscles. I can offer wonderful sexual relief in exchange, as well as some great plant help "

Oh why so far away !!!

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By *ocky82Man
over a year ago

Watford

"I’m a plasterer Xx"

So can help with anything that needs spreading

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’m a plasterer Xx"

My underpants have fell down

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I’m still interested in Mary’s martinis. Mary, how about I do the cooking and you mix the drinks?"

Deal! I just need to give Rex a wee wank first (shouldn't take long) but I'll wash my hands before I sort the drinks out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I need someone to wrap the presents I bought all neatly and tidily. In return, I can clean and hoover (never miss out the skirting boards) and I can make a mean coffee

I'll take him.

Thanks"

Yay! Do you know how to wrap a piano?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I can offer individual gift wrap, sewing, embroidery or crochet in return for sorting our bookshelves by category and author.

Oooh... would you crochet me a cuddly penis toy? I saw them on etsy the other day and thought they were so cute.

And consider the bookshelves done

Posh

That's entirely possible

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By *orphia2003Woman
over a year ago

Tonypandy.

I can cook, bake, make canapes, make excellent cocktails, do you a chocolate and porter pairing.

DS licenced security officer with cams.

Possibly get one of my sexy security mates to strip for you. He's done a few gigs in the past.

Body piercing, if anyone might like new adornments.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I can cook, bake, make canapes, make excellent cocktails, do you a chocolate and porter pairing.

DS licenced security officer with cams.

Possibly get one of my sexy security mates to strip for you. He's done a few gigs in the past.

Body piercing, if anyone might like new adornments."

Blimey you're very skilled!

I would like a belly button piercing and a chocolate and porter pairing please

I can embroider you something or make you a blanket of some description.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I get my maids outfit then shall I

I can teach you how to walk in 8-9 inch heels "

Please teach me! I look like a penguin in heels.

I can make you an apple crumble and a quirky handbag.

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By *uitednbooted2Man
over a year ago

Berkshire

I have a tight calve that needs massaging and in return I’m really good with tools so anything that needs fixing I can do

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By *ittlebirdWoman
over a year ago

The Big Smoke

I can make you smile. That and I fall over a lot, which might make you laugh

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By *ose-tinted GlassesMan
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

"I’m still interested in Mary’s martinis. Mary, how about I do the cooking and you mix the drinks?"

"Deal! I just need to give Rex a wee wank first (shouldn't take long) but I'll wash my hands before I sort the drinks out

I can work with avant-garde ingredients, no problem. I’m pretty sure the Internet can provide some salty cocktail recipes …

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By *piderBunnyCouple
over a year ago

Back of Nowhere and Beyond

"I can offer individual gift wrap, sewing, embroidery or crochet in return for sorting our bookshelves by category and author.

Oooh... would you crochet me a cuddly penis toy? I saw them on etsy the other day and thought they were so cute.

And consider the bookshelves done

Posh

That's entirely possible

I'll be round in a bit. Should only take about 6 hours to get there! Give you time to start on the penis (now I have typed it... that sounds not quite how I meant it to)

Posh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can cook, bake, make canapes, make excellent cocktails, do you a chocolate and porter pairing.

DS licenced security officer with cams.

Possibly get one of my sexy security mates to strip for you. He's done a few gigs in the past.

Body piercing, if anyone might like new adornments."

Me too and cctv license and first aid and fire warden

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By *lowercandyWoman
over a year ago

Lancashire

"I have a tight calve that needs massaging and in return I’m really good with tools so anything that needs fixing I can do "

Massage I can do and keep it professional.

Make a pretty good real foliage door wreath if you want to welcome the guests...

Guess we could use dried pineapple

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I can offer individual gift wrap, sewing, embroidery or crochet in return for sorting our bookshelves by category and author.

Oooh... would you crochet me a cuddly penis toy? I saw them on etsy the other day and thought they were so cute.

And consider the bookshelves done

Posh

That's entirely possible

I'll be round in a bit. Should only take about 6 hours to get there! Give you time to start on the penis (now I have typed it... that sounds not quite how I meant it to)

Posh

I have looked through my yarn. I can do you one in a rainbow striped mohair or a sort of turquoise wool and cashmere mix. It depends how big you want the testicles and whether you want curcumcised or not

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

*circumcised

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By *orphia2003Woman
over a year ago

Tonypandy.

"I can cook, bake, make canapes, make excellent cocktails, do you a chocolate and porter pairing.

DS licenced security officer with cams.

Possibly get one of my sexy security mates to strip for you. He's done a few gigs in the past.

Body piercing, if anyone might like new adornments.

Me too and cctv license and first aid and fire warden

Yeah got them too. Hopefully the party won't need first aid, no-one sets fire to anything and I dread to think that I'd catch on CCTV,so best not to watch

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can cook, bake, make canapes, make excellent cocktails, do you a chocolate and porter pairing.

DS licenced security officer with cams.

Possibly get one of my sexy security mates to strip for you. He's done a few gigs in the past.

Body piercing, if anyone might like new adornments.

Me too and cctv license and first aid and fire warden

Yeah got them too. Hopefully the party won't need first aid, no-one sets fire to anything and I dread to think that I'd catch on CCTV,so best not to watch

Think that’s best some of sights on rewiew begger belief have to upgrade my sg three months ago another £300

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By *eard and BoobsCouple
over a year ago

Portstewart

I can bake shortbread, mince pies and most things that involve meringue/pavlova. I’ll clean at a pinch but you’d probably regret it as I’d have your whole house reorganised you’d not find anything for weeks.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I think what I actually need is a very strict supervisor. I don't half procrastinate! I'm still plodding about organising house and Xmas stuff and could probably have been done in an hour if I didn't keep nipping on here, trying on clothes and makeup I forgot I had, making snacks...basically doing anything but the stuff I'm supposed to be!

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

"I can do an incredible sports massage, kneeding big muscles. I can offer wonderful sexual relief in exchange, as well as some great plant help

Oh why so far away !!!"

I do travel a fair bit

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