FabSwingers.com forum: Should you break a confidence??

By *eryBigGirl OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

Just looking for some ideas from people as I can't go to my vanilla friends cos they'd all know who I was talking about and there's some really sound people on here who talk a lot of sense!!

I have a friend who told got hammered at the works Xmas do last night and told everyone stuff about how shit her life is at the moment and she wants to end it all. Now I know that she wouldn't do that and it was the drink talking but when I finally got her to calm down and got her to bed she's told me stuff that no one else knows!!

Now my dilemma is do I need to tell anyone else as I am worried but then if I break that confidence she'll never trust me and right now I'm the one person she will be honest with and talk to!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *nfieldishCouple
over a year ago

Enfield

If u think a life is in danger...no other thing to do than get help.......recently watched a friend go......while everyone stood round thinking if you ignore it it will go away.....sometimes it doesn't

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you need to talk to her again when sober and express your concerns for her welfare.

Offer her your support in contacting professionals but be cautious about giving personal advice as you may be giving it badly

Unintentionally.

Knowing someone cares and will support means a lot.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Speak to her again when she is sober

. Break a confidence if person is a danger to themselves or others. This time of year is very challenging. Take time to talk to your friend she sounds very vunerable. I do hope all works out xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Depends on who you can tell. If she has someone close then maybe. Be her friend and keep an eye out for her. Make sure she knows you're there for her. Sometimes alcohol makes people be more truthful so she may really mean it. x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *empting Devil.Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

Try the Samaritans - they're there for anyone who is worried and distressed and has noone to talk to about it.

Good luck and big hugs.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That's a tough one

Maybe be best to talk to her once her head is straight and the dust has settled a bit from the original conversation, she what they say then

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you are worried about someone you would not be a true friend if you didn't tell. if you think that would help the friend in need. If by telling someone else the friend in need is not happy or does not talk to you again, are they really a friend?

True friends stay together no matter what happens in life. So step up be that true friend and to help tell who ever you need too. If you left it and something happened how would you feel??

Sorry not the best at writing down what I think, hope it helps x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Try the Samaritans - they're there for anyone who is worried and distressed and has noone to talk to about it.

Good luck and big hugs."

Took the words outta my mouth, the Samaritans are excellent, I've had first hand experience and helped me a lot.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

Definitely talk to her again sober before making a decision.

If after that you believe a life is at risk... Break the confidence if not then you'll have more information to make your up your mind.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

Now drink is a depressant and often when we feel low we feel lowest when we are d*unk. She maybe saying it as a cry for help and not actually wanting to go through with it.. When a persons ends their life there is often no signs or warnings that they are going to do it.. However there are some that has suicidlal ideas. my best advice is to speak to her when sober and have a chat about the conversation you had.. Preventing a suicicde is difficult...if you have concerns that she is really going to do it then contact the local mental health team who will carry out an assessment...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It sounds to me that whatever she told you, YOU need to offload.

You are concerned and as such it is more a matter of seeking some advice than it is about breaking a confidence.

Do you have any friends on here that you have the confidence in to chat with ?

By that, I mean people that will offer real advice and not just sympathy for your situation.

These people should ideally be impartial and have no involvement in your vanilla life - nor should they know or be aware of the lady in question.

I hope it works out positively for both yourself and your friend x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

"Now drink is a depressant and often when we feel low we feel lowest when we are d*unk. She maybe saying it as a cry for help and not actually wanting to go through with it.. When a persons ends their life there is often no signs or warnings that they are going to do it.. However there are some that has suicidlal ideas. my best advice is to speak to her when sober and have a chat about the conversation you had.. Preventing a suicicde is difficult...if you have concerns that she is really going to do it then contact the local mental health team who will carry out an assessment... "

Ask her if she wants you to speak to someone as the person can feel shameful at how they are feeling.. There is support out there.. Smaratains, MIND and other agencies who are trained in this.. I did an extensive training course in suicide prevention but try putting it into practise its difficult. Its not about confidence but when you know that someone is at risk of harming themselves or other people you have a duty of care to that person..

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Talk to her when she is sober and see what she wants to do, it's her life, make sure what she has said is true and not some d*unken ramble.

Playing the do-gooder could backfire on you.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eryBigGirl OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

"Ask her if she wants you to speak to someone as the person can feel shameful at how they are feeling.. There is support out there.. Smaratains, MIND and other agencies who are trained in this.. I did an extensive training course in suicide prevention but try putting it into practise its difficult. Its not about confidence but when you know that someone is at risk of harming themselves or other people you have a duty of care to that person.. "

Duty of care ... That's a big part of my dilemma my work head ( I'm a SW) is telling me one thing but my heart as a friend is telling me something else!! It's hard because if this was a case at work I'd know what to do but it's not its a friend who I love a lot and need to protect and either way whether I tell someone of not it could end badly. I truly don't believe she'd end things she has beautiful children who she wouldn't leave.

I tried talking to her this morning when shes sober but she's just put the walls up again refusing to let me in and left in a taxi not even allowing me to take her home!!!

It's frustrating cos I feel I should have the answers because of my profession but I'm too close to this to see things clearly

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

I tried talking to her this morning when shes sober but she's just put the walls up again refusing to let me in and left in a taxi not even allowing me to take her home!!!

It's frustrating cos I feel I should have the answers because of my profession but I'm too close to this to see things clearly"

That is what I mean about difficult to put into action when we are in the profession... PM me if you want to.. xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eryBigGirl OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

"Talk to her when she is sober and see what she wants to do, it's her life, make sure what she has said is true and not some d*unken ramble.

Playing the do-gooder could backfire on you.

Playing the do-gooder is far from what I'm doing!! And believe me I've tried talking to her sober and she just shuts down again but I know for a fact that the stuff she said is true!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Talk to her - or, more important, listen.....

Please don't let it pass. I once missed the chance to sit and talk to a friend, because I "didn't want to interfere in his worries" Later that night he killed himself with a shotgun... I don't know if I could have done anything, but 30 years later I'm still haunted by the thought that I could have tried and didn't....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eryBigGirl OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

"Talk to her - or, more important, listen.....

Believe me I've tried so many times and I tell her constantly that I'm there for her and I "interfere" all the time. Other people know a little of whats going on in her life but just carry in as if it isn't. I'm pretty much the only one that's got the balls to take her to one side and question her but she's so bloody stubborn and won't talk or listen when she's in this frame of mind

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Depending on how well I know or want to know and care about the person, if I believe he/she needs help, I would ask him/her if he/she would like me to help him/her when he/she is sober and alone, by doing something about the issue.

If he/she refuses help, then I shall leave it at that, if he/she is just an acquaintance.

If he/she is someone I care about, I would watch over him/her and offer my help and support if and when required.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eryBigGirl OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

"Depending on how well I know or want to know and care about the person, if I believe he/she needs help, I would ask him/her if he/she would like me to help him/her when he/she is sober and alone, by doing something about the issue.

If he/she refuses help, then I shall leave it at that, if he/she is just an acquaintance.

If he/she is someone I care about, I would watch over him/her and offer my help and support if and when required.

No she's not just an acquaintance she's a good friend who I love to bits despite her being stubborn, crabby and never let's people in!! I see the vulnerable underneath bit when she lets me which isn't very often!!

I've asked her but she refuses to even talk about it when she's sober as the walls go back up!! I tell her all the time I will help her in any way she wants and whenever she wants I've even offered for her and the kids to come live with me!!

I just feel a bit helpless I guess when she won't let me in or ask for help

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Personally, if the person refuses help after being offered, I would walk away, even if it means breaking up a friendship.

If children/pets are involved, if there is sufficient objective evidence that they are at serious risks of being harmed, or have already been harmed, then I would not hesitate to alert the relevant authorities.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

There are a few questions to ask yourself:

1. Who would you tell?

2. What practical purpose would it serve?

3. Would telling anyone make it worse?

4. Is there something else you can do?

I have a friend who keeps the walls up all the time. She has been through hell and is just emerging from that. Getting her to the point she could take action for herself took a lot of time. In the end it was making her feel that I needed her to look after me a bit that worked. Telling her that worrying about her was making me ill and getting her to agree to just send me a text once or twice a day to check in would help me.

It's not easy and this time of year makes the bad feel even worse.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eryBigGirl OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

Thanks for all the sensible advice

I would just like to clarify that I have do not have doubts about the children's safety and if I did I wouldn't think twice about acting upon it!!

I've actually had a breakthrough as i just fug my heels in and told her i was going round and I've just left her. I now know how I'm gonna handle things and feel better for her letting me in finally xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *issHottieBottieWoman
over a year ago

Kent

"Thanks for all the sensible advice

I would just like to clarify that I have do not have doubts about the children's safety and if I did I wouldn't think twice about acting upon it!!

I am pleased you feel you are making some progress in helping your friend. Having lost a friend on Monday to suicide I can safely say I wish he'd spoken to me or someone about his feelings, at least you know your friend is unhappy and can try to help if she keys you. Good luck xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eryBigGirl OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

"I am pleased you feel you are making some progress in helping your friend. Having lost a friend on Monday to suicide I can safely say I wish he'd spoken to me or someone about his feelings, at least you know your friend is unhappy and can try to help if she keys you. Good luck xx"

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and thank you xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread