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Don't tell anyone..

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable?

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By *esthetic21Man
over a year ago

Birmingham/Bristol

I'd only tell my spouse if it affected her in some way. If not I wouldnt tell anyone

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
over a year ago

Carlisle usually

Usually if someone starts off with don't tell anyone I tell them not to tell me.

I don't like to consent to keeping other people's secrets. Lying is something I actively try to avoid and if it's going to make me uncomfortable around people I usually enjoy is rather just not have that information.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I'd only tell my spouse if it affected her in some way. If not I wouldnt tell anyone"

But what if it affected you and you need to talk to someone about it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

no.

dont tell anyone means dont tell anyone.

you are at risk of betraying trust...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Usually if someone starts off with don't tell anyone I tell them not to tell me.

I don't like to consent to keeping other people's secrets. Lying is something I actively try to avoid and if it's going to make me uncomfortable around people I usually enjoy is rather just not have that information."

I agree with this and it does depend on who the person is.

If it's my best friend then I would literally hear anything from her And deal with any consequences or fall out later.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

I tell people not to tell me, I'm not good at keeping others secrets, it's not my burden to hold.

Mrs

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By * and R cple4Couple
over a year ago

swansea

We’ve been together 29 years so I think it would be naive of someone to assume I wouldn’t tell my husband..

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"no.

dont tell anyone means dont tell anyone.

you are at risk of betraying trust...

"

I think that's unreasonable though of the person asking.

You are being asked to agree to something when you have no idea what is about to be said and how that is going to impact you or others.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

I'd rather not know than create a potential rift between me and my partner

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"no.

dont tell anyone means dont tell anyone.

you are at risk of betraying trust...

I think that's unreasonable though of the person asking.

You are being asked to agree to something when you have no idea what is about to be said and how that is going to impact you or others."

then just say you dont want to know

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I think I possibly come of this from a slightly different angle to some others.

I've worked in child protection so whenever somebody when I've been at work has said "don't tell anyone" My response has always been I may not be able to keep that promise depending on what you tell me, Whatever you tell me I will have to discuss it with the team.

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By *lwaysonmymind!Man
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

Depends on the subject I suppose. I alaways want to be there for my friends and hope they feel that they can talk to me in confidence.

I don’t have a partner but I once did and I would share all sorts with her as she would respect that confidence also.

Does your friend need to know that you share things with your husband?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think I possibly come of this from a slightly different angle to some others.

I've worked in child protection so whenever somebody when I've been at work has said "don't tell anyone" My response has always been I may not be able to keep that promise depending on what you tell me, Whatever you tell me I will have to discuss it with the team. "

come on... thats work not a supportive chat with a friend..

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By *moothCriminal_xMan
over a year ago

Redditch


"I think I possibly come of this from a slightly different angle to some others.

I've worked in child protection so whenever somebody when I've been at work has said "don't tell anyone" My response has always been I may not be able to keep that promise depending on what you tell me, Whatever you tell me I will have to discuss it with the team. "

Absolutely this.

However, if someone tells you a secret and you know they wouldnt want anyone else to know then dont tell your partner etc... it's a betrayal if it isn't a safety issue

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

And what if your husband then shares the secret with his best friend ? It is never ending

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I think I possibly come of this from a slightly different angle to some others.

I've worked in child protection so whenever somebody when I've been at work has said "don't tell anyone" My response has always been I may not be able to keep that promise depending on what you tell me, Whatever you tell me I will have to discuss it with the team.

Absolutely this.

However, if someone tells you a secret and you know they wouldnt want anyone else to know then dont tell your partner etc... it's a betrayal if it isn't a safety issue"

I don't agree and I don't think a friend should not put anyone in a position where they are told to actively keep something from their partner.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd not tell anyone else if that was what was required of me before they told me.

If you felt you would have to discuss it with a partner after seeing them, then I'd tell them not to bother telling me in the first place.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"And what if your husband then shares the secret with his best friend ? It is never ending"

Well I for one trust my husband enough to know he wouldn't do that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would always expect someone to tell their partner, and only their partner.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I'd not tell anyone else if that was what was required of me before they told me.

If you felt you would have to discuss it with a partner after seeing them, then I'd tell them not to bother telling me in the first place. "

That's exactly what I have just said in my opening post!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I would always expect someone to tell their partner, and only their partner. "

This is my thinking anything I tell my friends I assume they're going to tell their husbands.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I find secrets can be very exciting and making new secrets, even more so x

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By *ritIndianCoupleCouple
over a year ago

Midlands

I would also tell them not to tell me if it’s something they are not comfortable with me sharing with hubby.

Mrs

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Depends on the subject I suppose. I alaways want to be there for my friends and hope they feel that they can talk to me in confidence.

I don’t have a partner but I once did and I would share all sorts with her as she would respect that confidence also.

Does your friend need to know that you share things with your husband?"

I guess I just assumed that everyone knew people tell their husbands or wives things. I was just surprised at my friend's response I mean she did end up telling me anyway and it wasn't something I felt the need to discuss with anyone as it wasn't anything big. I think the difficulty is you don't know what's about to be said.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable? "
I think one shouldn't, but I'd also assume they would, as that's what ppl often do. If I was sharing something I didn't want their OH to know I'd be super clear. I commend that you are up front you would share, as that avoids any doubt. And it's okay if yr friend isn't happy with this and chooses not to share. I would be miffed if they made out I was wrong to do so, if I'm open about it.

(although remember, they know what the secret is, so to them you are saying I will share xyz with my oh. Whereas you may just be reserving the right in case its ABC)

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By *ot-AshMan
over a year ago

London

Dont tell anyone that I really love Greggs sausage rolls.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m always going to tell my husband and I’d expect sharing a secret with one of my friends that they’d be doing the same.

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By *inda May SimmonsTV/TS
over a year ago

hexham

Simple!

Two rules.

1. Never ever tell anything to anyone that you do not want to become common knowledge. If you have a secret, keep it to yourself.

2. Never ever let anyone control you by allowing them to tell you something that they expect you to keep secret. Just tell them you will not guarantee your cooperation.

Oh by the way, I know loads of secrets but I am not telling

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By *inger_SnapWoman
over a year ago

Hampshire/Dorset

I might talk to someone else who has no connection with the person who told me their problem/situation. If it was worrying, if not I wouldn't say anything to anyone.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable? I think one shouldn't, but I'd also assume they would, as that's what ppl often do. If I was sharing something I didn't want their OH to know I'd be super clear. I commend that you are up front you would share, as that avoids any doubt. And it's okay if yr friend isn't happy with this and chooses not to share. I would be miffed if they made out I was wrong to do so, if I'm open about it.

(although remember, they know what the secret is, so to them you are saying I will share xyz with my oh. Whereas you may just be reserving the right in case its ABC)"

As I've said further up because I've worked in child protection I know there are some things I can't keep to myself. Most of my friends know me well enough to know if it was something where I thought somebody was in danger I would absolutely do something about it. I would tell the person if what they told me was something I felt I couldn't keep to myself. I wouldn't pretend to keep it a secret and then contact an appropriate agency. Thankfully I've never been in this situation where I have had to do that but it's always at the back of my mind. I have been in a situation where a friend told me something that really upset me about someone else and it played on my mind for weeks and the thought of not being able to discuss it with my husband would have made it unbearable.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable? "

I think you are right that your loyalty to your partner is higher so whatever you are told and how you process it may need them to be told. I think it’s wise to tell your partner things like this

I would never promise to keep a “secret” not knowing what it was. I don't like being part of other peoples mess, I keep confidence though and never talk about things people tell me. Butt if it affects mutual friends and will compromise my loyalty I don’t want to know or he put in that position. A real friend wouldn’t do that to me

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Dont tell anyone that I really love Greggs sausage rolls."

I think your wife already knows that.

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By *izandpaulCouple
over a year ago

merseyside

I'd always discuss with Paul.

If they said don't tell Paul, I'd say don't tell me.

We have had this situation with our friends who are now divorced.

Both Paul and I know each as equal friends so we have told them both, don't tell us anything you don't want us to tell the other partner.

It's far to hard to keep secrets.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable?

I think you are right that your loyalty to your partner is higher so whatever you are told and how you process it may need them to be told. I think it’s wise to tell your partner things like this

I would never promise to keep a “secret” not knowing what it was. I don't like being part of other peoples mess, I keep confidence though and never talk about things people tell me. Butt if it affects mutual friends and will compromise my loyalty I don’t want to know or he put in that position. A real friend wouldn’t do that to me "

This.

My relationship with my husband comes first. I am the kind of person that's deeply affected by things even if they seem quite trivial to others and I saw all my friends knew this and I think that's why I was just a bit taken aback.

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By *.L.0460.Woman
over a year ago

Bognor Regis

[Removed by poster at 04/12/22 12:03:55]

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"

2. Never ever let anyone control you by allowing them to tell you something that they expect you to keep secret. Just tell them you will not guarantee your cooperation.

"

Totally agree. It is control / manipulation. People who operate on the level of ‘secrets’ between friends are generally selfish & toxic. There are other ways to deal with things like consulting your trusted friends for confidential advice and owning your own actions and decisions without putting others in difficult situations

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By *eroLondonMan
over a year ago

Mayfair

There is no context or indeed subtext to the OP's post, nor anything to suggest anything untoward.

Information, if it's personal, is sacrosanct...and therefore I wouldn't tell anyone, unless there is acquiescence to share with a spouse/partner.

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By *ena AmourTV/TS
over a year ago

Chard

I have had this happen to me, trust no one. I didn't share anything and ask someone not to. The person just talked about me to others I knew. A confidence is a confidence in my mind.

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By *.L.0460.Woman
over a year ago

Bognor Regis


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable? "

Absolutely not!! If someone asks you not to tell anyone, you're breaking that trust by telling your husband.

I have told my 2 oldest friends some very private things about me recently and I know deep, dark secrets of theirs. If I thought they would tell their partners, I wouldn't have told them.

Trust is hard to find in someone nowadays & if someone trusts you, I think you should honour that trust & keep their secrets to yourself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable? I think one shouldn't, but I'd also assume they would, as that's what ppl often do. If I was sharing something I didn't want their OH to know I'd be super clear. I commend that you are up front you would share, as that avoids any doubt. And it's okay if yr friend isn't happy with this and chooses not to share. I would be miffed if they made out I was wrong to do so, if I'm open about it.

(although remember, they know what the secret is, so to them you are saying I will share xyz with my oh. Whereas you may just be reserving the right in case its ABC)

As I've said further up because I've worked in child protection I know there are some things I can't keep to myself. Most of my friends know me well enough to know if it was something where I thought somebody was in danger I would absolutely do something about it. I would tell the person if what they told me was something I felt I couldn't keep to myself. I wouldn't pretend to keep it a secret and then contact an appropriate agency. Thankfully I've never been in this situation where I have had to do that but it's always at the back of my mind. I have been in a situation where a friend told me something that really upset me about someone else and it played on my mind for weeks and the thought of not being able to discuss it with my husband would have made it unbearable. "
totally get that. And that's why imo you were right to give yourself this option. My take is I need to be able to choose to share something if I need to. I won't share everything, but need the option before taking on a secret as it could be anything from "I've met someone at work" to "I'm worried my kid has suicidal tendencies" say.

Yr friend may be reactiNg as they know it's the former (so see you as not needing to share that). And not appreciating you don't know this so need to also be thinking about the latter.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable?

Absolutely not!! If someone asks you not to tell anyone, you're breaking that trust by telling your husband.

I have told my 2 oldest friends some very private things about me recently and I know deep, dark secrets of theirs. If I thought they would tell their partners, I wouldn't have told them.

Trust is hard to find in someone nowadays & if someone trusts you, I think you should honour that trust & keep their secrets to yourself. "

How am I breaking their trust if I tell them prior that I probably will tell my husband? It's then their choice whether they tell me or not. I think it's unreasonable to ask someone to keep secrets from their partner.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I have had this happen to me, trust no one. I didn't share anything and ask someone not to. The person just talked about me to others I knew. A confidence is a confidence in my mind."

.... let me guess you are not friends anymore!

.. people need to confess sometimes... and thats what friends are for..

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By *lowercandyWoman
over a year ago

Lancashire


"And what if your husband then shares the secret with his best friend ? It is never ending

Well I for one trust my husband enough to know he wouldn't do that. "

But if your friend wanted your husband to know they could tell you both at the same time.

If you feel unable or uncomfortable not telling your husband everything then at least tell your friends so they can make an informed decision to share with you again or not

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By *.L.0460.Woman
over a year ago

Bognor Regis

[Removed by poster at 04/12/22 12:12:14]

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By *.L.0460.Woman
over a year ago

Bognor Regis


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable?

Absolutely not!! If someone asks you not to tell anyone, you're breaking that trust by telling your husband.

I have told my 2 oldest friends some very private things about me recently and I know deep, dark secrets of theirs. If I thought they would tell their partners, I wouldn't have told them.

Trust is hard to find in someone nowadays & if someone trusts you, I think you should honour that trust & keep their secrets to yourself.

How am I breaking their trust if I tell them prior that I probably will tell my husband? It's then their choice whether they tell me or not. I think it's unreasonable to ask someone to keep secrets from their partner. "

Yes, I missed the part where you said that, actually. If that's the case then you're doing nothing wrong, but it's a rare gift to find someone capable of keeping a secret. I'd never tell any of my stuff if I knew the husbands would find out.

Old friends know me & don't judge me, whatever I tell them. I wouldn't expect that from their husbands, who don't know me that well.

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

Everyone has someone they go to with things like this.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"And what if your husband then shares the secret with his best friend ? It is never ending

Well I for one trust my husband enough to know he wouldn't do that.

But if your friend wanted your husband to know they could tell you both at the same time.

If you feel unable or uncomfortable not telling your husband everything then at least tell your friends so they can make an informed decision to share with you again or not "

I very clearly stated in my opening post that is exactly what I said before she told me anything.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Everyone has someone they go to with things like this. "

That's what I thought but apparently not. Before my husband it was probably my sister I would tell things to.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'd not tell anyone else if that was what was required of me before they told me.

If you felt you would have to discuss it with a partner after seeing them, then I'd tell them not to bother telling me in the first place.

That's exactly what I have just said in my opening post! "

But you went on to say you'd probably end up having to tell your husband as it would no doubt play on your mind.

That breaks full trust to do that to your friend!!

Which itself is very wrong

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable?

Absolutely not!! If someone asks you not to tell anyone, you're breaking that trust by telling your husband.

I have told my 2 oldest friends some very private things about me recently and I know deep, dark secrets of theirs. If I thought they would tell their partners, I wouldn't have told them.

Trust is hard to find in someone nowadays & if someone trusts you, I think you should honour that trust & keep their secrets to yourself.

How am I breaking their trust if I tell them prior that I probably will tell my husband? It's then their choice whether they tell me or not. I think it's unreasonable to ask someone to keep secrets from their partner.

Yes, I missed the part where you said that, actually. If that's the case then you're doing nothing wrong, but it's a rare gift to find someone capable of keeping a secret. I'd never tell any of my stuff if I knew the husbands would find out.

Old friends know me & don't judge me, whatever I tell them. I wouldn't expect that from their husbands, who don't know me that well.

"

I have to say I think it's quite naive to think they don't tell their husbands.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I'd not tell anyone else if that was what was required of me before they told me.

If you felt you would have to discuss it with a partner after seeing them, then I'd tell them not to bother telling me in the first place.

That's exactly what I have just said in my opening post!

But you went on to say you'd probably end up having to tell your husband as it would no doubt play on your mind.

That breaks full trust to do that to your friend!!

Which itself is very wrong "

I suggest you read the opening post again! It very clearly States I always tell people I am going to tell my husband probably.

Tell me again how that's wrong please.

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By *inda May SimmonsTV/TS
over a year ago

hexham


"

2. Never ever let anyone control you by allowing them to tell you something that they expect you to keep secret. Just tell them you will not guarantee your cooperation.

Totally agree. It is control / manipulation. People who operate on the level of ‘secrets’ between friends are generally selfish & toxic. There are other ways to deal with things like consulting your trusted friends for confidential advice and owning your own actions and decisions without putting others in difficult situations "

Exactly!

Guaranteeing you will keep a secret is looney stuff!

Your friend asks you to keep secret he/she has booked a hotel for a weekend break with their partner, keep it a secret, easy!

Your friend tells you they have made a bomb and are on their way to blow up the local primary school, keep it a secret! Totally absurd!

I know that is extreme, but!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'd not tell anyone else if that was what was required of me before they told me.

If you felt you would have to discuss it with a partner after seeing them, then I'd tell them not to bother telling me in the first place.

That's exactly what I have just said in my opening post!

But you went on to say you'd probably end up having to tell your husband as it would no doubt play on your mind.

That breaks full trust to do that to your friend!!

Which itself is very wrong

I suggest you read the opening post again! It very clearly States I always tell people I am going to tell my husband probably.

Tell me again how that's wrong please. "

its fine

your friends can't confide with you..

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By *ena AmourTV/TS
over a year ago

Chard


"I have had this happen to me, trust no one. I didn't share anything and ask someone not to. The person just talked about me to others I knew. A confidence is a confidence in my mind.

.... let me guess you are not friends anymore!

.. people need to confess sometimes... and thats what friends are for..

"

This is at the heart of the matter i think, i agree with the OP that there shouldn't be a pre-arranged silence as it does depend on what is said.

I also think that most people when told a secret will tell someone else.

And in answer to your statement, It wasn't a friend who talked. But I lost other friends because of it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I'd not tell anyone else if that was what was required of me before they told me.

If you felt you would have to discuss it with a partner after seeing them, then I'd tell them not to bother telling me in the first place.

That's exactly what I have just said in my opening post!

But you went on to say you'd probably end up having to tell your husband as it would no doubt play on your mind.

That breaks full trust to do that to your friend!!

Which itself is very wrong

I suggest you read the opening post again! It very clearly States I always tell people I am going to tell my husband probably.

Tell me again how that's wrong please.

its fine

your friends can't confide with you.. "

OK.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable?

Absolutely not!! If someone asks you not to tell anyone, you're breaking that trust by telling your husband.

I have told my 2 oldest friends some very private things about me recently and I know deep, dark secrets of theirs. If I thought they would tell their partners, I wouldn't have told them.

Trust is hard to find in someone nowadays & if someone trusts you, I think you should honour that trust & keep their secrets to yourself. "

Exactly this..... they're not to be shared with anyone. Even if its your husband or wife!

Well worded

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

When I was dating my first love his father (who was a bit of a knob at the best of times) told myself and my friend a horrible secret when he was d*unk.

No idea if it was true so never mentioned it to anyone but it made me look at him through different eyes thereafter and not in a good way.

All because he wanted to feel better he told us a secret that could have caused uproar. I was very dissapointed in him.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I have had this happen to me, trust no one. I didn't share anything and ask someone not to. The person just talked about me to others I knew. A confidence is a confidence in my mind.

.... let me guess you are not friends anymore!

.. people need to confess sometimes... and thats what friends are for..

This is at the heart of the matter i think, i agree with the OP that there shouldn't be a pre-arranged silence as it does depend on what is said.

I also think that most people when told a secret will tell someone else.

And in answer to your statement, It wasn't a friend who talked. But I lost other friends because of it."

I'm sorry that happened and that really is horrible. I think it's about knowing the person you are telling. My friends know me well enough to know if I told my husband something it's because I felt the need to offload not simply to a gossip.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable?

Absolutely not!! If someone asks you not to tell anyone, you're breaking that trust by telling your husband.

I have told my 2 oldest friends some very private things about me recently and I know deep, dark secrets of theirs. If I thought they would tell their partners, I wouldn't have told them.

Trust is hard to find in someone nowadays & if someone trusts you, I think you should honour that trust & keep their secrets to yourself.

Exactly this..... they're not to be shared with anyone. Even if its your husband or wife!

Well worded "

It's not well worth it though is it because I very clearly have stated I tell people I'm going to tell my husband. To completely different situation if I promise not to tell anyone and then go telling my husband but that is not the scenario here I think you are getting the 2 situations confused.

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By *lephantisMan
over a year ago

Oxford

It's not an unusual interpretation of such things. I've known couples who ONLY have joint bank accounts, and so can never buy each other a surprise; who accept invitations or even burdens such as mowing a lawn or babysitting on behalf of their partner without asking first; and, yes, who would make a 'but obviously I'd tell my partner' exception in circumstances like the above.

Partners don't own our souls,and we don't stop being individuals when we are in a committed relationship. I have had friends I'd tell certain things to that I wouldn't have told my partner, and of course vice versa. That isn't deception. I just don't demand that a partner is everything to me.

Where I do completely agree with Lorna is the necessity of saying 'if it would harm vulnerable people, or those I love, if I don't tell, I can't make that promise'. And, as she says, she would always make the partner exception clear beforehand. There is nothing deceptive in any of that.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

It seems to be a bit of confusion so I just want to clarify.

I make sure I tell anyone who asks me not to say anything that I will probably tell my husband it is then their choice whether they continue to tell me knowing my husband will also know. This is not the same as promising to keep it to myself then telling him anyway.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"It's not an unusual interpretation of such things. I've known couples who ONLY have joint bank accounts, and so can never buy each other a surprise; who accept invitations or even burdens such as mowing a lawn or babysitting on behalf of their partner without asking first; and, yes, who would make a 'but obviously I'd tell my partner' exception in circumstances like the above.

Partners don't own our souls,and we don't stop being individuals when we are in a committed relationship. I have had friends I'd tell certain things to that I wouldn't have told my partner, and of course vice versa. That isn't deception. I just don't demand that a partner is everything to me.

Where I do completely agree with Lorna is the necessity of saying 'if it would harm vulnerable people, or those I love, if I don't tell, I can't make that promise'. And, as she says, she would always make the partner exception clear beforehand. There is nothing deceptive in any of that. "

Absolutely and I have said to a friend before things I haven't told my husband but it's normally because it's something as a surprise for him but I think that's completely different to what I'm talking about here.

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish


"I'd only tell my spouse if it affected her in some way. If not I wouldnt tell anyone

But what if it affected you and you need to talk to someone about it? "

Then I would talk to that person about it. It his her business to share with others so depending on the situation I would encourage her to seek medical advice or talk to others close to herself.

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By *ena AmourTV/TS
over a year ago

Chard


"I have had this happen to me, trust no one. I didn't share anything and ask someone not to. The person just talked about me to others I knew. A confidence is a confidence in my mind.

.... let me guess you are not friends anymore!

.. people need to confess sometimes... and thats what friends are for..

This is at the heart of the matter i think, i agree with the OP that there shouldn't be a pre-arranged silence as it does depend on what is said.

I also think that most people when told a secret will tell someone else.

And in answer to your statement, It wasn't a friend who talked. But I lost other friends because of it.

I'm sorry that happened and that really is horrible. I think it's about knowing the person you are telling. My friends know me well enough to know if I told my husband something it's because I felt the need to offload not simply to a gossip. "

I understand and hope you realise that I agree with your OP. I would assume that anyone male or female would probably tell their partner. As I read it you informed your friend first so there is no problem, they then can make the judgement as to how much they trust both of you.

I am personally terrible at keeping a secret and I tell everyone I know that. This is because I forget what I am not supposed to know.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Note to self never said anything to Lorna

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Note to self never said anything to Lorna "

You can tell me but you will also be telling Ash as well.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Note to self never said anything to Lorna

You can tell me but you will also be telling Ash as well. "

But whom Ash will tell ?! Where does it stop ffs !!

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By *lephantisMan
over a year ago

Oxford


"Note to self never said anything to Lorna

You can tell me but you will also be telling Ash as well.

But whom Ash will tell ?! Where does it stop ffs !! "

There is a clear rota. Ash tells Nero, Nero tells me, I tell Jason Momoa, he tells it on the mountain.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Note to self never said anything to Lorna

You can tell me but you will also be telling Ash as well.

But whom Ash will tell ?! Where does it stop ffs !!

There is a clear rota. Ash tells Nero, Nero tells me, I tell Jason Momoa, he tells it on the mountain."

what am I not even surprised that Nero got a mention in that malarkey !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If it isn't public knowledge then I don't want to know... whispering green grass and all that

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By *riar BelisseWoman
over a year ago

On Holibobs

My inner circle friends wouldn't tell their husband's. On fab I wouldn't share personal secrets like that

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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago

Gapping Fanny

I not only tell the Mrs, but everyone on my telegram list as well as random people in the street.

Assume anything you say to anyone else will be relayed to at least one other person and then you can decide if you want to share it.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

.

I don't assume it because I don't tell my fiancé everything. Namely because he'd be bored and listening politely but his eyes will glaze over thinking about what my mouth could be doing instead.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Note to self never said anything to Lorna

You can tell me but you will also be telling Ash as well.

But whom Ash will tell ?! Where does it stop ffs !! "

He would tell absolutely nobody. X

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I don't assume it because I don't tell my fiancé everything. Namely because he'd be bored and listening politely but his eyes will glaze over thinking about what my mouth could be doing instead."

Well this is the point as most things I tell my husband goes in one ear and out the other anyway so he wouldn't even remember to tell anybody else.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"no.

dont tell anyone means dont tell anyone.

you are at risk of betraying trust...

"

This, don’t tell anyone

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By *ot-AshMan
over a year ago

London


"I don't assume it because I don't tell my fiancé everything. Namely because he'd be bored and listening politely but his eyes will glaze over thinking about what my mouth could be doing instead.

Well this is the point as most things I tell my husband goes in one ear and out the other anyway so he wouldn't even remember to tell anybody else. "

Sorry were you saying something then?

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

.


"I don't assume it because I don't tell my fiancé everything. Namely because he'd be bored and listening politely but his eyes will glaze over thinking about what my mouth could be doing instead.

Well this is the point as most things I tell my husband goes in one ear and out the other anyway so he wouldn't even remember to tell anybody else. "

Yes, I get that about Ash. He gives off that vibe (I love him really).

But to address your thread in a less cock in cheek mouth. We've all shared things with people and hoped it wouldn't go further. Is that naive? Possibly. I think secrets are complicated things. Nuanced. Becoming involved through knowing isn't ideal because it's then in your mind. Sometimes it's best to be upfront and say I'd rather have no part of the conversation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My experience is if people tell one person they will tell others. I just tell everyone everything then people know not to bore me with their personal lives.

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity


"My experience is if people tell one person they will tell others. I just tell everyone everything then people know not to bore me with their personal lives. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No, if they told you, they just want you to know, you can always say you don't want to know if you feel it might impact you and you may need to talk

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's rather unfriendly behaviour making someone else a conspirator. I'm a grown up so I do realize that's there's stuff in everyone's lives that they wouldn't want being public knowledge and can respect people's requirements for discretion.

Does that stretch as far as keeping things from my partner that are causing me concern aka something I've been told that makes me uncomfortable? No because she can read me like a book and would know there's something wrong and would ask me directly what's wrong - at this point I'm not lying and any friend that expects me to do so knowing me and my fundamental dislike for lying isn't really much of a friend are they?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"It's rather unfriendly behaviour making someone else a conspirator. I'm a grown up so I do realize that's there's stuff in everyone's lives that they wouldn't want being public knowledge and can respect people's requirements for discretion.

Does that stretch as far as keeping things from my partner that are causing me concern aka something I've been told that makes me uncomfortable? No because she can read me like a book and would know there's something wrong and would ask me directly what's wrong - at this point I'm not lying and any friend that expects me to do so knowing me and my fundamental dislike for lying isn't really much of a friend are they?"

It's very interesting actually because those who have couple's profiles are very much answering in the same way you have. It's exactly my point as well my husband would know something was bothering me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would definitely tell my husband. I know I can trust him 100%.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I would definitely tell my husband. I know I can trust him 100%. "

I also understand that anyone I confide in would tell their partner and that's totally acceptable.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

If someone asked me to keep a secret I wouldn't tell anyone.

Being married to someone doesn't give you that privilege.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London


"I would definitely tell my husband. I know I can trust him 100%. "

It isn't about trust. It's about the person telling you they don't want you to tell anyone else. If you tell someone, then you can't be trusted.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

One reason I won't meet men on here with a wife's permission is I don't want them going home telling her everything I did with him.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"If someone asked me to keep a secret I wouldn't tell anyone.

Being married to someone doesn't give you that privilege.

"

It does if you tell them beforehand which is exactly what I have said in the OP.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I would definitely tell my husband. I know I can trust him 100%.

It isn't about trust. It's about the person telling you they don't want you to tell anyone else. If you tell someone, then you can't be trusted.

"

People keep mentioning trust, that you should be trusted not to tell your husband but what about if it is affecting you? If my husband asks me directly what's bothering me is it OK to lie to him to keep the other person's secret?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I would definitely tell my husband. I know I can trust him 100%.

It isn't about trust. It's about the person telling you they don't want you to tell anyone else. If you tell someone, then you can't be trusted.

"

If they expected me not to tell my husband then I would rather they didn't tell me. My relationship with my husband means more to me. We share everything.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's reasonable to say you would want to be able to tell your partner.

It's reasonable that the other person isn't happy with that. They don't have the same intimate knowledge of them as you do. They may simply not want them to know.

In such cases, they don't tell you.

Neither of you are wrong for you beliefs. You just have views that don't allign that means a secret can't be shared.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"One reason I won't meet men on here with a wife's permission is I don't want them going home telling her everything I did with him.

"

But surely half the fun is going home and telling them EXACTLY what you just did literally blow by blow

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I would definitely tell my husband. I know I can trust him 100%.

It isn't about trust. It's about the person telling you they don't want you to tell anyone else. If you tell someone, then you can't be trusted.

If they expected me not to tell my husband then I would rather they didn't tell me. My relationship with my husband means more to me. We share everything."

This.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 04/12/22 14:16:23]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd pretty much always tell my partner, unless it's something I don't think he'd be interested or care about. It's an unwritten rule surely?

I can completely understand why they wouldn't want someone else to know, but my partner isn't the type to go running his mouth. And if he was, I wouldn't be telling him in the first place. It would stay strictly between the two (or three) of us.

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By *olly_chromaticTV/TS
over a year ago

Stockport

If it's about where the bodies are buried, it depends on who's bodies, and whether I think they deserved it...

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By *.L.0460.Woman
over a year ago

Bognor Regis


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable?

Absolutely not!! If someone asks you not to tell anyone, you're breaking that trust by telling your husband.

I have told my 2 oldest friends some very private things about me recently and I know deep, dark secrets of theirs. If I thought they would tell their partners, I wouldn't have told them.

Trust is hard to find in someone nowadays & if someone trusts you, I think you should honour that trust & keep their secrets to yourself.

How am I breaking their trust if I tell them prior that I probably will tell my husband? It's then their choice whether they tell me or not. I think it's unreasonable to ask someone to keep secrets from their partner.

Yes, I missed the part where you said that, actually. If that's the case then you're doing nothing wrong, but it's a rare gift to find someone capable of keeping a secret. I'd never tell any of my stuff if I knew the husbands would find out.

Old friends know me & don't judge me, whatever I tell them. I wouldn't expect that from their husbands, who don't know me that well.

I have to say I think it's quite naive to think they don't tell their husbands. "

When you've know people for near on your entire life & they've trusted me with secrests which would be immensely damaging if divulged, I trust them to do the same for me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable? "

It's all about trust , if another person wanted you to tell another they would say it .

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable?

It's all about trust , if another person wanted you to tell another they would say it ."

What's all about trust? If I tell them I'm going to tell my partner but they choose to tell me anyway when they are clearly OK with that.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

The only person who ever tells me anything and asks me not to tell anyone else is our daughter and she's fully aware that if I know something so does her dad. She also knows that unless someone is in danger we will take what she's told us to the grave.

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

..

There’s only one way to keep a secret and that is not to tell anyone

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By *izandpaulCouple
over a year ago

merseyside


"I would definitely tell my husband. I know I can trust him 100%.

It isn't about trust. It's about the person telling you they don't want you to tell anyone else. If you tell someone, then you can't be trusted.

If they expected me not to tell my husband then I would rather they didn't tell me. My relationship with my husband means more to me. We share everything."

Sounds about right to me.

It also saves lots of drama, don't do drama, too messy.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"The only person who ever tells me anything and asks me not to tell anyone else is our daughter and she's fully aware that if I know something so does her dad. She also knows that unless someone is in danger we will take what she's told us to the grave. "

It's the same for me other than my husband I wouldn't tell a single soul it would literally just be us unless as you said someone was in danger.

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

No. If someone says don’t tell anyone I won’t tell anyone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It's reasonable to say you would want to be able to tell your partner.

It's reasonable that the other person isn't happy with that. They don't have the same intimate knowledge of them as you do. They may simply not want them to know.

In such cases, they don't tell you.

Neither of you are wrong for you beliefs. You just have views that don't allign that means a secret can't be shared.

"

I would assume a friend would keep a secret and not even tell their partner. I'd hope they would let me know that they wouldn't keep it secret so that I could decide whether or not to still tell them.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

I would never assume someone would tell their partner my secret, especially if it was an embarrassing one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No, i wouldn't tell a partner, BFF or family member

If it concerned their health (ie suucudal) I'd manipulate a situation where they were able to share /seek help

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet


"There’s only one way to keep a secret and that is not to tell anyone "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Dont tell anyone that I really love Greggs sausage rolls."

Put another roll in the oven baby

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It seems to be a bit of confusion so I just want to clarify.

I make sure I tell anyone who asks me not to say anything that I will probably tell my husband it is then their choice whether they continue to tell me knowing my husband will also know. This is not the same as promising to keep it to myself then telling him anyway. "

I think that is fine.. It's then for the other person to decide

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't assume it because I don't tell my fiancé everything. Namely because he'd be bored and listening politely but his eyes will glaze over thinking about what my mouth could be doing instead."

This is literally Task when i try and tell him anything fab related

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable? "

My late mum said a secret is something you give to someone else to keep for you.

If someone asks me to keep a secret, I keep it. End of.

Winston

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle

Depending upon the contents if serious even then I'd still like to respect they confided in telling me

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By *eroLondonMan
over a year ago

Mayfair


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable?

My late mum said a secret is something you give to someone else to keep for you.

If someone asks me to keep a secret, I keep it. End of.

Winston "

•

Dear Winston, I have amorous designs on Lady Astor. But please keep this to yourself, dear fellow.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable?

My late mum said a secret is something you give to someone else to keep for you.

If someone asks me to keep a secret, I keep it. End of.

Winston

•

Dear Winston, I have amorous designs on Lady Astor. But please keep this to yourself, dear fellow."

*taps nose.

Winston

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By *olly_chromaticTV/TS
over a year ago

Stockport


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable?

My late mum said a secret is something you give to someone else to keep for you.

If someone asks me to keep a secret, I keep it. End of.

Winston

•

Dear Winston, I have amorous designs on Lady Astor. But please keep this to yourself, dear fellow."

Dear Lady Astor, I have amorous designs on Winston. But please keep this to yourself, dear lady.

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By *olly_chromaticTV/TS
over a year ago

Stockport


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable?

My late mum said a secret is something you give to someone else to keep for you.

If someone asks me to keep a secret, I keep it. End of.

Winston

•

Dear Winston, I have amorous designs on Lady Astor. But please keep this to yourself, dear fellow.

*taps nose.

Winston "

Dear Winston, I have amorous tentacles on Nerö. But please keep this to yourself, dear fellow.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So most of us have been in a situation when a friend has said don't tell anyone What I'm about to tell you.

Whenever this is said to me I always say yes but depending what it is I probably will tell my husband.

I was in this situation a few weeks ago and the friend said that I'm not telling you then, why do you have to tell your husband?

My reply was well I might not but it depends what it is and whether I feel I need to talk to someone about it.

If I ever say to someone please don't tell anyone I kind of automatically assume they will tell their partner is this reasonable?

My late mum said a secret is something you give to someone else to keep for you.

If someone asks me to keep a secret, I keep it. End of.

Winston

•

Dear Winston, I have amorous designs on Lady Astor. But please keep this to yourself, dear fellow.

*taps nose.

Winston

Dear Winston, I have amorous tentacles on Nerö. But please keep this to yourself, dear fellow."

Your secrets safe, Nero never reads the forums.

Winston

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Each to their own, but if I were in a loving relationship with a partner, I'd not keep any secrets from her. Trust and unconditional love is the only way for a successful meaningful long term relationship. I most likely wouldn't be on fabs either unless mutual interest. All have own story to tell so not judging anyone here.

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By *eroLondonMan
over a year ago

Mayfair


"... ...If someone asks me to keep a secret, I keep it. End of.

Winston

•

Dear Winston, I have amorous designs on Lady Astor. But please keep this to yourself, dear fellow.

*taps nose.

Winston

Dear Winston, I have amorous tentacles on Nerö. But please keep this to yourself, dear fellow.

Your secrets safe, Nero never reads the forums.

Winston "

•

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well, when I say never.......

Winston

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