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The Invictus overnight 'boyfriend experience'

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston

After sending out so many of my cards recently with my famous 'boyfriend experience' mentioned on it, I thought it might be easier if I explained the whole service here rather than by PM to the hordes of eager ladies who mail me every hour.

So here it is laid bare, the Invictus Boyfriend Experience:

The sevice begins by me blustering in the door, bellowing 'I'm home - get the tea on!' before slapping your arse and going 'honk honk' on your boobs. I will then grab a four pack of beers from the fridge and slump in the armchair in front of the TV while maintaining an air of cozy flatulence and guarding the remote with my life.

After you have brought me tea on a tray, for which I momentarily give you my attention with a grunt, I will finally find a channel with either football or a crap action film and proceed to shout at the TV occasionally through a mouthfull of food.

After several hours of watching TV, with the occasional demand that you fetch me crisps or more beer, you will begin to feel a little tired and go to bed. Firstly clearing up the pile of empty cans and crisp packets around the chair.

Just as you have finished all your feminine bedtime rituals and snuggled alone under the duvet and begin to doze off I will crash into the room switch on the brightest light and proceed to strip doen to my y-fronts, vest and socks before bouncing into bed.

No sooner will I be in bed than I will gently enquire 'how about it love?' and proceed to stick my tongue down your throat and molest your bum with my cold hands and ragged nails. After a brief period of beer flavoured tonsil wrestling I will then give each boob another 'honk honk' before slapping my hand unceremoniously between your legs and utterly failing to find your clitoris after a few minutes of frantic fiddling. Having skillfully acertained you are 'up for it' I will clamber aboard and ram inside you with a suitable film quote such as 'I'm going in, cover me!'

After three minutes of frantic banging away interspersed with grunts and the occasional attempt to twist your nipples off I will finally climax and roll off you proclaiming 'cheers love, I bet your sorted for a few weeks after that! Hur! Hur!' before elbowing you and laughing.

Having rolled over with most of the duvet and leaving you with the wet patch, I will fart, belch and quickly start to snore loudly.

The morning will see me crashing about again with bright lights and more farting and ball scratching before I proceed to leave the wet toilet seat down and skid marks in the pan. My beard hair will be artfully arranged around the sink and a sopping wet towel will be wedged under the bathroom door.

With a cheery 'see you later' and a slap on the arse I will crash down the stairs, slam the front door and be on my way leaving you longing for me to return...

So there we have it ladies. The famous Boyfriend Experience laid bare.

You know where I am, message me for a booking but be patient though, I've got a lot of you randy bints to work through

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How can we resist an offer like that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Omfg your my ex husband ! Wondered what the hell happened to you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh bollocks is that what I let myself in for when accepting the rose on Saturday?

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By *ensual temptressWoman
over a year ago

Southampton

pmsfl!!!!!!

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By *anSusieCouple
over a year ago

Midlothian

nothing like a morning pre-work giggle

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

ROFL!! have you had many takers?

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston

I do a delux service as well; lots of optional extras like biscuit crumbs in the bed, additional blokey pillow talk and random nipple tweaks, the 'banging headboard' doggy style surprise and the fall asleep on top service too

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By *antstoplaynowMan
over a year ago

uxbridge

Some lucky lady is in for a great time pmsl

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Oh bollocks is that what I let myself in for when accepting the rose on Saturday? "

You too. Lol I didn't get ruler though lol

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston


"Oh bollocks is that what I let myself in for when accepting the rose on Saturday?

You too. Lol I didn't get ruler though lol"

I think you've got enough rulers already

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Oh bollocks is that what I let myself in for when accepting the rose on Saturday?

You too. Lol I didn't get ruler though lol"

Haha the ruler came in handy at work as did the pencil sharpener! All for admiring a bum. I wonder if Funky Monkey does such an offer!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh Jesus I so know this!!

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston

See? Hundreds of them after it!

I'm done with all this seduction, romance and rose giving crap! I'm off out to buy some y-fronts and a string vest

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden


"Oh bollocks is that what I let myself in for when accepting the rose on Saturday?

You too. Lol I didn't get ruler though lol

Haha the ruler came in handy at work as did the pencil sharpener! All for admiring a bum. I wonder if Funky Monkey does such an offer!! "

Technically I am Invictus so yes I do!

BTW Invictus do we include a 30 second premature ejaculation service? I'm good at that one!

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden


"BTW Invictus do we include a 30 second premature ejaculation service? I'm good at that one! "

Ahem! Not sure why I said that please ignore it everyone!!!

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston


"Oh bollocks is that what I let myself in for when accepting the rose on Saturday?

You too. Lol I didn't get ruler though lol

Haha the ruler came in handy at work as did the pencil sharpener! All for admiring a bum. I wonder if Funky Monkey does such an offer!!

Technically I am Invictus so yes I do!

BTW Invictus do we include a 30 second premature ejaculation service? I'm good at that one! "

I don't see why not. We could offer it with the 'anal surprise' service as well, or maybe the 'tea bagging' wake up call...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't have it any other way

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am going to give it a miss thanks anyway!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am soooo glad that I wisely decided a 'man is for life & not for xmas' so I'll stay single and take my own bin out,

ps which option has the talking about the time machine, gliiter etc?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Oh bollocks is that what I let myself in for when accepting the rose on Saturday?

You too. Lol I didn't get ruler though lol

Haha the ruler came in handy at work as did the pencil sharpener! All for admiring a bum. I wonder if Funky Monkey does such an offer!!

Technically I am Invictus so yes I do!

BTW Invictus do we include a 30 second premature ejaculation service? I'm good at that one! "

Haha does that mean I'm automatically a lifelong member of the _unky monkey bum fan club as well?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I wouldn't have it any other way "

Surely M does not behave in such a manner!?

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston


"I am soooo glad that I wisely decided a 'man is for life & not for xmas' so I'll stay single and take my own bin out,

ps which option has the talking about the time machine, gliiter etc? "

That's my default setting, with the full sensual seduction, erotic foreplay and intimate yet tastefully lustful encounter

The boyfriend experience is designed for ladies who want reminding why they are still single

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston


"A full three minutes? That seems a bit long for a caveman"

...that includeds the two minute fumble to find the way in

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Three whole minutes and at least two nipple tweaks? I'll take it.

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden


"Oh bollocks is that what I let myself in for when accepting the rose on Saturday?

You too. Lol I didn't get ruler though lol

Haha the ruler came in handy at work as did the pencil sharpener! All for admiring a bum. I wonder if Funky Monkey does such an offer!!

Technically I am Invictus so yes I do!

BTW Invictus do we include a 30 second premature ejaculation service? I'm good at that one!

Haha does that mean I'm automatically a lifelong member of the _unky monkey bum fan club as well? "

Yes you don't even have to pay my subs. {------ lol @ subs - see what I did there. It was a play on words to do with club subs and the fact I have a hareem of subs! Oh shut up! It IS funny even if you have to explain it!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I wouldn't have it any other way

Surely M does not behave in such a manner!? "

Only in some ways

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston


"I wouldn't have it any other way

Surely M does not behave in such a manner!?

Only in some ways"

I bet he does the old trapping you under the duvet while he farts trick! That just never gets tired and we all know you ladies secretly love it!

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

I can't offer a service like that so

I'm fucked basically.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do you do the getting d*unk, staggering up, still mostly comatose, in the middle of the night and pissing in the wardrobe before going back to bed option?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I wouldn't have it any other way

Surely M does not behave in such a manner!?

Only in some ways

I bet he does the old trapping you under the duvet while he farts trick! That just never gets tired and we all know you ladies secretly love it! "

I'd be upset if he didn't

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Do you do the getting d*unk, staggering up, still mostly comatose, in the middle of the night and pissing in the wardrobe before going back to bed option?"

Or laying on the bed fully clothed, expecting someone else to take their clothes off and put them to bed

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"Do you do the getting d*unk, staggering up, still mostly comatose, in the middle of the night and pissing in the wardrobe before going back to bed option?"

I'd forgotten that one - an essential part of the boyfriend experience. Or the pissing out of the window!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Do you do the getting d*unk, staggering up, still mostly comatose, in the middle of the night and pissing in the wardrobe before going back to bed option?

I'd forgotten that one - an essential part of the boyfriend experience. Or the pissing out of the window!"

Or sink!

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden


"Do you do the getting d*unk, staggering up, still mostly comatose, in the middle of the night and pissing in the wardrobe before going back to bed option?"

I know someone who took a crap in his father in law's tie draw in the middle of the night pissed!

Is this something you might be interested in?

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston


"Do you do the getting d*unk, staggering up, still mostly comatose, in the middle of the night and pissing in the wardrobe before going back to bed option?

I'd forgotten that one - an essential part of the boyfriend experience. Or the pissing out of the window!"

I can do that. As long as yoy pay for the beer

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"Do you do the getting d*unk, staggering up, still mostly comatose, in the middle of the night and pissing in the wardrobe before going back to bed option?

I know someone who took a crap in his father in law's tie draw in the middle of the night pissed!

Is this something you might be interested in?"

When you say you 'know someone' how closely do you know them?

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden


"Do you do the getting d*unk, staggering up, still mostly comatose, in the middle of the night and pissing in the wardrobe before going back to bed option?

I know someone who took a crap in his father in law's tie draw in the middle of the night pissed!

Is this something you might be interested in?

When you say you 'know someone' how closely do you know them?"

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"Do you do the getting d*unk, staggering up, still mostly comatose, in the middle of the night and pissing in the wardrobe before going back to bed option?

I know someone who took a crap in his father in law's tie draw in the middle of the night pissed!

Is this something you might be interested in?

When you say you 'know someone' how closely do you know them?

"

I thought so! Take down that naughty botty avatar this instant.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"After sending out so many of my cards recently with my famous 'boyfriend experience' mentioned on it, I thought it might be easier if I explained the whole service here rather than by PM to the hordes of eager ladies who mail me every hour.

So here it is laid bare, the Invictus Boyfriend Experience:

The sevice begins by me blustering in the door, bellowing 'I'm home - get the tea on!' before slapping your arse and going 'honk honk' on your boobs. I will then grab a four pack of beers from the fridge and slump in the armchair in front of the TV while maintaining an air of cozy flatulence and guarding the remote with my life.

After you have brought me tea on a tray, for which I momentarily give you my attention with a grunt, I will finally find a channel with either football or a crap action film and proceed to shout at the TV occasionally through a mouthfull of food.

After several hours of watching TV, with the occasional demand that you fetch me crisps or more beer, you will begin to feel a little tired and go to bed. Firstly clearing up the pile of empty cans and crisp packets around the chair.

Just as you have finished all your feminine bedtime rituals and snuggled alone under the duvet and begin to doze off I will crash into the room switch on the brightest light and proceed to strip doen to my y-fronts, vest and socks before bouncing into bed.

No sooner will I be in bed than I will gently enquire 'how about it love?' and proceed to stick my tongue down your throat and molest your bum with my cold hands and ragged nails. After a brief period of beer flavoured tonsil wrestling I will then give each boob another 'honk honk' before slapping my hand unceremoniously between your legs and utterly failing to find your clitoris after a few minutes of frantic fiddling. Having skillfully acertained you are 'up for it' I will clamber aboard and ram inside you with a suitable film quote such as 'I'm going in, cover me!'

After three minutes of frantic banging away interspersed with grunts and the occasional attempt to twist your nipples off I will finally climax and roll off you proclaiming 'cheers love, I bet your sorted for a few weeks after that! Hur! Hur!' before elbowing you and laughing.

Having rolled over with most of the duvet and leaving you with the wet patch, I will fart, belch and quickly start to snore loudly.

The morning will see me crashing about again with bright lights and more farting and ball scratching before I proceed to leave the wet toilet seat down and skid marks in the pan. My beard hair will be artfully arranged around the sink and a sopping wet towel will be wedged under the bathroom door.

With a cheery 'see you later' and a slap on the arse I will crash down the stairs, slam the front door and be on my way leaving you longing for me to return...

So there we have it ladies. The famous Boyfriend Experience laid bare.

You know where I am, message me for a booking but be patient though, I've got a lot of you randy bints to work through

"

Have you lifted that out of my latest book, "How to keep a woman happy" and it's companion leaflet, "I suppose a shag's out of the question then?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"See? Hundreds of them after it!

I'm done with all this seduction, romance and rose giving crap! I'm off out to buy some y-fronts and a string vest "

All I can say is it should be called the Rab C Nesbitt experience lmao

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By *nfieldishCouple
over a year ago

Enfield

What an utterly charming young man....we must get one of those

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston


"What an utterly charming young man....we must get one of those

"

Young?

Thank you not often I get that

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By * starr -Woman
over a year ago

Burton on Trent.

haha, made me laugh.

i must find these blokes who do this, would make my day.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

lmao that was ace

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By *e ja vue 2Couple
over a year ago

MANCHESTER

really think you should offer the "spoons in bed position as you wet fart" as well as the "wipe your dick on the curtain on the way to the bog" options too.... you gotta look for improvements in service boys

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Do you do the getting d*unk, staggering up, still mostly comatose, in the middle of the night and pissing in the wardrobe before going back to bed option?"

Lmfao my ex did that too !

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston


"Do you do the getting d*unk, staggering up, still mostly comatose, in the middle of the night and pissing in the wardrobe before going back to bed option?

Lmfao my ex did that too !"

Hello dear, what a surprise meeting you on here!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Speechless..........

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By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter

That made me realise how lucky I am to sleep alone ..

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By *UNKIEMan
over a year ago

south east

I'll send temptress your way she could do with a wee break away ....it'd be like a bussmans holiday for her

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston


"Speechless.......... "

Is that a 'yes' then?

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston

Well I might have a booking set up here

...I'd best get some Y-fronts and a string vest!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Well I might have a booking set up here

...I'd best get some Y-fronts and a string vest! "

You mean clean ones this time surely

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston


"Well I might have a booking set up here

...I'd best get some Y-fronts and a string vest!

You mean clean ones this time surely "

Not for long...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bump Challenge! This thread made me howl with laughter!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Bump Challenge! This thread made me howl with laughter!"

Viccie-boi-boy always make's me howl with laughter........ top-bloke and a very funny thread,,,

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Bump Challenge! This thread made me howl with laughter!

Viccie-boi-boy always make's me howl with laughter........ top-bloke and a very funny thread,,, "

He did a few like this!

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden


"Bump Challenge! This thread made me howl with laughter!

Viccie-boi-boy always make's me howl with laughter........ top-bloke and a very funny thread,,, "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Bump Challenge! This thread made me howl with laughter!

Viccie-boi-boy always make's me howl with laughter........ top-bloke and a very funny thread,,, "

Where's he gone? I miss him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I assume OP in yr younger years you were an enormous admirer of Onslow from keeping up appearances?

Altho I have to add if u were any sort of man's man at some stage during the evening u would b tinkering with a greasy car part on the coffee table!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Loved it

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By *heScotandthegirlCouple
over a year ago

London & Edinburgh

Great thread, he gives us all a good name! Stick the kettle on doll honk honk!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Bump Challenge! This thread made me howl with laughter!

Viccie-boi-boy always make's me howl with laughter........ top-bloke and a very funny thread,,,

Where's he gone? I miss him."

Some say he is still among us . . .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Bump Challenge! This thread made me howl with laughter!

Viccie-boi-boy always make's me howl with laughter........ top-bloke and a very funny thread,,, "

great guy x and funny threads..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"After sending out so many of my cards recently with my famous 'boyfriend experience' mentioned on it, I thought it might be easier if I explained the whole service here rather than by PM to the hordes of eager ladies who mail me every hour.

So here it is laid bare, the Invictus Boyfriend Experience:

The sevice begins by me blustering in the door, bellowing 'I'm home - get the tea on!' before slapping your arse and going 'honk honk' on your boobs. I will then grab a four pack of beers from the fridge and slump in the armchair in front of the TV while maintaining an air of cozy flatulence and guarding the remote with my life.

After you have brought me tea on a tray, for which I momentarily give you my attention with a grunt, I will finally find a channel with either football or a crap action film and proceed to shout at the TV occasionally through a mouthfull of food.

After several hours of watching TV, with the occasional demand that you fetch me crisps or more beer, you will begin to feel a little tired and go to bed. Firstly clearing up the pile of empty cans and crisp packets around the chair.

Just as you have finished all your feminine bedtime rituals and snuggled alone under the duvet and begin to doze off I will crash into the room switch on the brightest light and proceed to strip doen to my y-fronts, vest and socks before bouncing into bed.

No sooner will I be in bed than I will gently enquire 'how about it love?' and proceed to stick my tongue down your throat and molest your bum with my cold hands and ragged nails. After a brief period of beer flavoured tonsil wrestling I will then give each boob another 'honk honk' before slapping my hand unceremoniously between your legs and utterly failing to find your clitoris after a few minutes of frantic fiddling. Having skillfully acertained you are 'up for it' I will clamber aboard and ram inside you with a suitable film quote such as 'I'm going in, cover me!'

After three minutes of frantic banging away interspersed with grunts and the occasional attempt to twist your nipples off I will finally climax and roll off you proclaiming 'cheers love, I bet your sorted for a few weeks after that! Hur! Hur!' before elbowing you and laughing.

Having rolled over with most of the duvet and leaving you with the wet patch, I will fart, belch and quickly start to snore loudly.

The morning will see me crashing about again with bright lights and more farting and ball scratching before I proceed to leave the wet toilet seat down and skid marks in the pan. My beard hair will be artfully arranged around the sink and a sopping wet towel will be wedged under the bathroom door.

With a cheery 'see you later' and a slap on the arse I will crash down the stairs, slam the front door and be on my way leaving you longing for me to return...

So there we have it ladies. The famous Boyfriend Experience laid bare.

You know where I am, message me for a booking but be patient though, I've

got a lot of you randy bints to work

through

_nvictus they made a film about mate its called

WHAT EVERY WOMAN WANTS

you have got it all my hero

"

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

The personalised boyfriend message that went with the thread was also hilarious. I miss his posts.

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By *ILLY aka SirslagWoman
over a year ago

Land of the Prince Bishops


"After sending out so many of my cards recently with my famous 'boyfriend experience' mentioned on it, I thought it might be easier if I explained the whole service here rather than by PM to the hordes of eager ladies who mail me every hour.

So here it is laid bare, the Invictus Boyfriend Experience:

The sevice begins by me blustering in the door, bellowing 'I'm home - get the tea on!' before slapping your arse and going 'honk honk' on your boobs. I will then grab a four pack of beers from the fridge and slump in the armchair in front of the TV while maintaining an air of cozy flatulence and guarding the remote with my life.

After you have brought me tea on a tray, for which I momentarily give you my attention with a grunt, I will finally find a channel with either football or a crap action film and proceed to shout at the TV occasionally through a mouthfull of food.

After several hours of watching TV, with the occasional demand that you fetch me crisps or more beer, you will begin to feel a little tired and go to bed. Firstly clearing up the pile of empty cans and crisp packets around the chair.

Just as you have finished all your feminine bedtime rituals and snuggled alone under the duvet and begin to doze off I will crash into the room switch on the brightest light and proceed to strip doen to my y-fronts, vest and socks before bouncing into bed.

No sooner will I be in bed than I will gently enquire 'how about it love?' and proceed to stick my tongue down your throat and molest your bum with my cold hands and ragged nails. After a brief period of beer flavoured tonsil wrestling I will then give each boob another 'honk honk' before slapping my hand unceremoniously between your legs and utterly failing to find your clitoris after a few minutes of frantic fiddling. Having skillfully acertained you are 'up for it' I will clamber aboard and ram inside you with a suitable film quote such as 'I'm going in, cover me!'

After three minutes of frantic banging away interspersed with grunts and the occasional attempt to twist your nipples off I will finally climax and roll off you proclaiming 'cheers love, I bet your sorted for a few weeks after that! Hur! Hur!' before elbowing you and laughing.

Having rolled over with most of the duvet and leaving you with the wet patch, I will fart, belch and quickly start to snore loudly.

The morning will see me crashing about again with bright lights and more farting and ball scratching before I proceed to leave the wet toilet seat down and skid marks in the pan. My beard hair will be artfully arranged around the sink and a sopping wet towel will be wedged under the bathroom door.

With a cheery 'see you later' and a slap on the arse I will crash down the stairs, slam the front door and be on my way leaving you longing for me to return...

So there we have it ladies. The famous Boyfriend Experience laid bare.

You know where I am, message me for a booking but be patient though, I've got a lot of you randy bints to work through

"

EEK hes got hidden cameras in my house....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Miss Invictus and his posts... anyone know where he's gone..????

ted.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!


"Miss Invictus and his posts... anyone know where he's gone..????

ted."

I haven't seen him for ages.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This was funny. first time ive read these posts

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By *heScotandthegirlCouple
over a year ago

London & Edinburgh

loved it... thanks for bumping.

Ruby x

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By *ser No Longer On SiteMan
over a year ago

Ghlaschu


"Miss Invictus and his posts... anyone know where he's gone..????

ted.

I haven't seen him for ages. "

My guess is he's settled down with someone that really couldnt pass up the experience.

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston


"Miss Invictus and his posts... anyone know where he's gone..????

ted."

I was only gone 5 minutes!!! What is wrong with you people?!?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i didnt know you had gone anywhere lol

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston


"i didnt know you had gone anywhere lol "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"After sending out so many of my cards recently with my famous 'boyfriend experience' mentioned on it, I thought it might be easier if I explained the whole service here rather than by PM to the hordes of eager ladies who mail me every hour.

So here it is laid bare, the Invictus Boyfriend Experience:

The sevice begins by me blustering in the door, bellowing 'I'm home - get the tea on!' before slapping your arse and going 'honk honk' on your boobs. I will then grab a four pack of beers from the fridge and slump in the armchair in front of the TV while maintaining an air of cozy flatulence and guarding the remote with my life.

After you have brought me tea on a tray, for which I momentarily give you my attention with a grunt, I will finally find a channel with either football or a crap action film and proceed to shout at the TV occasionally through a mouthfull of food.

After several hours of watching TV, with the occasional demand that you fetch me crisps or more beer, you will begin to feel a little tired and go to bed. Firstly clearing up the pile of empty cans and crisp packets around the chair.

Just as you have finished all your feminine bedtime rituals and snuggled alone under the duvet and begin to doze off I will crash into the room switch on the brightest light and proceed to strip doen to my y-fronts, vest and socks before bouncing into bed.

No sooner will I be in bed than I will gently enquire 'how about it love?' and proceed to stick my tongue down your throat and molest your bum with my cold hands and ragged nails. After a brief period of beer flavoured tonsil wrestling I will then give each boob another 'honk honk' before slapping my hand unceremoniously between your legs and utterly failing to find your clitoris after a few minutes of frantic fiddling. Having skillfully acertained you are 'up for it' I will clamber aboard and ram inside you with a suitable film quote such as 'I'm going in, cover me!'

After three minutes of frantic banging away interspersed with grunts and the occasional attempt to twist your nipples off I will finally climax and roll off you proclaiming 'cheers love, I bet your sorted for a few weeks after that! Hur! Hur!' before elbowing you and laughing.

Having rolled over with most of the duvet and leaving you with the wet patch, I will fart, belch and quickly start to snore loudly.

The morning will see me crashing about again with bright lights and more farting and ball scratching before I proceed to leave the wet toilet seat down and skid marks in the pan. My beard hair will be artfully arranged around the sink and a sopping wet towel will be wedged under the bathroom door.

With a cheery 'see you later' and a slap on the arse I will crash down the stairs, slam the front door and be on my way leaving you longing for me to return...

So there we have it ladies. The famous Boyfriend Experience laid bare.

You know where I am, message me for a booking but be patient though, I've got a lot of you randy bints to work through

"

Hahaha pmsl.

The good old days I do miss them lol

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"What is wrong with you people?!? "

Answering that one could take a while...

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston


"What is wrong with you people?!?

Answering that one could take a while..."

I've got all the time im my time-machine, baby

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By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

Well the Boy Friend experience seems like a win win situation

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By *nvictus OP   Man
over a year ago

Beeston


"Well the Boy Friend experience seems like a win win situation "

Guaranteed dissatisfaction every time...

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By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle


"Well the Boy Friend experience seems like a win win situation

Guaranteed dissatisfaction every time..."

Just like the real thing then

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Miss Invictus and his posts... anyone know where he's gone..????

ted.

I was only gone 5 minutes!!! What is wrong with you people?!? "

Time travelling again _nvictus?.

Have you run out of glitter power?

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By *ourbonKissMan
over a year ago

a land up north..... of leicester

Well I for one am glad that you're back _nvictus!! Funky monkey just wasn't the same person without you

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

Yeah go on then, I'm game for it

I'd need some kinda guarantee as well though if it all goes tits up

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"Yeah go on then, I'm game for it

I'd need some kinda guarantee as well though if it all goes tits up "

Beat me to it! I was just looking for this thread.

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

never had a boyfriend like that

if this is the 'norm'..i dont do the 'norm'..

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By *ittle missnaughtyWoman
over a year ago

Doncaster


"After sending out so many of my cards recently with my famous 'boyfriend experience' mentioned on it, I thought it might be easier if I explained the whole service here rather than by PM to the hordes of eager ladies who mail me every hour.

So here it is laid bare, the Invictus Boyfriend Experience:

The sevice begins by me blustering in the door, bellowing 'I'm home - get the tea on!' before slapping your arse and going 'honk honk' on your boobs. I will then grab a four pack of beers from the fridge and slump in the armchair in front of the TV while maintaining an air of cozy flatulence and guarding the remote with my life.

After you have brought me tea on a tray, for which I momentarily give you my attention with a grunt, I will finally find a channel with either football or a crap action film and proceed to shout at the TV occasionally through a mouthfull of food.

After several hours of watching TV, with the occasional demand that you fetch me crisps or more beer, you will begin to feel a little tired and go to bed. Firstly clearing up the pile of empty cans and crisp packets around the chair.

Just as you have finished all your feminine bedtime rituals and snuggled alone under the duvet and begin to doze off I will crash into the room switch on the brightest light and proceed to strip doen to my y-fronts, vest and socks before bouncing into bed.

No sooner will I be in bed than I will gently enquire 'how about it love?' and proceed to stick my tongue down your throat and molest your bum with my cold hands and ragged nails. After a brief period of beer flavoured tonsil wrestling I will then give each boob another 'honk honk' before slapping my hand unceremoniously between your legs and utterly failing to find your clitoris after a few minutes of frantic fiddling. Having skillfully acertained you are 'up for it' I will clamber aboard and ram inside you with a suitable film quote such as 'I'm going in, cover me!'

After three minutes of frantic banging away interspersed with grunts and the occasional attempt to twist your nipples off I will finally climax and roll off you proclaiming 'cheers love, I bet your sorted for a few weeks after that! Hur! Hur!' before elbowing you and laughing.

Having rolled over with most of the duvet and leaving you with the wet patch, I will fart, belch and quickly start to snore loudly.

The morning will see me crashing about again with bright lights and more farting and ball scratching before I proceed to leave the wet toilet seat down and skid marks in the pan. My beard hair will be artfully arranged around the sink and a sopping wet towel will be wedged under the bathroom door.

With a cheery 'see you later' and a slap on the arse I will crash down the stairs, slam the front door and be on my way leaving you longing for me to return...

So there we have it ladies. The famous Boyfriend Experience laid bare.

You know where I am, message me for a booking but be patient though, I've got a lot of you randy bints to work through

"

That's brill. My EX to a T

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fucking hell I've just been described down to a T haha

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ


"Yeah go on then, I'm game for it

I'd need some kinda guarantee as well though if it all goes tits up

Beat me to it! I was just looking for this thread. "

Ha ha, is it great minds, or fools seldom......

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"Yeah go on then, I'm game for it

I'd need some kinda guarantee as well though if it all goes tits up

Beat me to it! I was just looking for this thread.

Ha ha, is it great minds, or fools seldom...... "

More a case of, been here too long.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I thought of this thread too when I saw Sophie's thread earlier.

I wish old threads had date stamps on them.

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By *yldstyleWoman
over a year ago

A world of my own

This is something I need to read again the next time I get upset about just being the other woman!

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"I thought of this thread too when I saw Sophie's thread earlier.

I wish old threads had date stamps on them. "

I think it was 2013.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He missed out the bit where female pretends to be asleep, that's called the wife experience. XXX

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod

over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

Another oldie but goodie......

A

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By *opsy RogersWoman
over a year ago

London


"Another oldie but goodie......

A"

You are on fire tonight, I LOVE this! Vicci is a leg end.

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod

over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset


"Another oldie but goodie......

A

You are on fire tonight, I LOVE this! Vicci is a leg end. "

Or as Fox calls him......the one that got away.

There's an old Funky thread floating around in Swingers Chat.

A

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By *eymickeyursofineCouple
over a year ago

Wales

This is hilarious! Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Reminds me of the guy that posted to Nashville Craigslist casual encounters the following

“It’s Thanksgiving. Want to skip that long, insulting conversation about how youre still single? About how your parents really want more grand children? Well, look no further!

I am a 28 year old felon with no high school degree, and a dirty old van one year younger than me painted like Eddie Van Halen’s guitar. I can play anywhere between the ages of 20 and 29 depending on if i shave. I’m a line cook and work late nights at a bar. If you’d like to have me as your stictly platonic date for Thanksgiving, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you, to torment your family, I’m game.

I can do these things, at your request:

openly hit on other female guests while you act like you dont notice.

start instigative discussions about politics and/or religion.

propose to you in front of everyone.

pretend to be really d*unk as the evening goes on (sorry, i dont drink, but i used to. alot. too much in fact. i know the drill).

Start an actual, physical fight with a family member, either inside or on the front lawn for all the neighbors to see.

I require no pay but the free meal i will receive as a guest!”

The guy got loads of media attention from that.

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By *r.BlondeMan
over a year ago

Chester/Wirral

Brilliant OP.

Made me feel like Richard Gere in American Gigolo after reading this.

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By *hoenixAdAstraWoman
over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

OMFG....

I've just relived my marriage

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod

52 weeks ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

Bumpety bump.

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By *stellaWoman
52 weeks ago

London

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod

52 weeks ago

O o O oo

I miss his posts , him and Funky were a great double act.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
52 weeks ago

Reading

[Removed by poster at 29/01/24 12:03:38]

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By *ittlebirdWoman
52 weeks ago

The Big Smoke

Awesome thread resurrection

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By *abioMan
52 weeks ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

Better than mine….

Mine is “what time is the (insert sports here) on?”…. Followed by “do you wanna quickie at half time!”

If you want the super deluxe pack I’ll get you a McDonald’s afterwards……

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
52 weeks ago

Central

This is why so many of us want the boyfriend experience

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By *avinaTVTV/TS
52 weeks ago

Transsexual Transylvania


"

I miss his posts , him and Funky were a great double act. "

He has a hilarious profile - I'mjealous.

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod

52 weeks ago

Cheeseville, Somerset


"

I miss his posts , him and Funky were a great double act. "

And don't forget Soxy for the treble.

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